Confessing

So I told him. He kinda pried it out of me.
It was supposed to be a trade off.

My bf quit smoking about 5 years ago. On occasion I have found cigarettes hidden around the house or the car. And the other day I smelled it on his hands. I let it sit for a few days and today I asked him about it. It was a quick "funny" conversation. I kept laughing, trying to keep things light. and he kept swearing that he hadn't smoked. He got into being honest and he said that I was hiding things from him on the computer. So I said, "I'll tell you what I'm hiding on the computer if you tell me where you hid the cigarettes and if you smoked one".
At that point I couldn't pull out. He knew there was something in the computer that I was hiding. So when he swore that he had neither smoked or had cigarettes around I was forced to tell him what I was doing on the computer.
Sooooo I told him I had a diary.
Which is true.... kinda...
I didn't tell him it was a blog. But that might eventually come out of the woodwork. And he'll never find it on internet anyhow. He doesn't speak English.
Problem is if he wants to see it. If he wants me to prove that I write a diary.
I may have to change my profile pic to something less conspicuous.
Hmmm or just refuse to show him.
Hmmmm

Sex From the Past number.... um... nah there's no sex in this anyhow.

I caught up with another person on Facebook recently. He's a guy that I have often thought of in the past years. He was a guy I met because we just stared at each other a few times. When we finally got a chance to speak to each other he said to me "do you know me?".

He was the tortured artist type. The tall lanky guy who has long black hair, black leather jacket, and generally always wears black. He was an amazing artist and musician. He played guitar and sang in a band. I would go to every concert possible. I adored his guitar playing and his singing. He turned me on with every song he played. He lied to me about his name. I went for months thinking his name was Raoul. I actually invited him to my graduation as my date. We had spent so much time together. He was older than me by a few years and he was afraid of ruining me I think. But I wanted him to make a move. He never did. We got so very close a few times.
He turned down my invite to graduation and I was upset about it but found someone else to go. At the last minute he changed his mind and said yes, but it was too late. I had already asked that someone else.
He is honestly one of the main reasons I'm in Italy at the moment. He asked me if I would go to Italy with him to study art in Milan. I said yes and was so gung-ho that I actually started organizing it. Then destiny kicked in because various other events pulled together for me to come here. He backed out on me. He probably never really meant it in the first place. It was wishful thinking on his part.

Catching up with him on Facebook freaked me out a little. There's a picture of him and he's still entirely hot. His son must be 8 or 9, and he's cool looking. He will be hot when he gets older. He was married to a beautiful girl, I think they've separated because he results as "single" on Facebook.

Facebook is a bit of torture. It sometimes brings back those memories that were better left untouched.

Dilemma

I am having such a hard time getting any writing done. Every time I touch the keyboard my BF asks me who I'm writing. He is extremely suspicious recently, and I can totally understand why. I spend all my free time on internet.

I'm wondering whether I need to tell him a partial truth, like saying that I have an online diary, which would make him so curious he'd want to see it. Or start cutting back, even if my daily use really is quite limited already when he's around.

How frustrating.

HNTank on a monday

Since I didn't get an HNT last week. I'll post a poor example of an HNMonday. I don't have a lot of time to take a really artistic picture so you'll have to accept my more "natural" me in jeans and a tank.

Being Me

The week alone is over. The weeks together have started. The frustration is around the corner. Closer than I think.
He's already getting on my nerves, although I can deal with it. Rather, I should say, he knows how to keep me from getting annoyed. He calms me. It's the little things. Leaving things around. Leaving dishes.... you know. When you're on your own you deal with all your own stuff. I'd rather not deal with other people's things. But I'm selfish that way.

My week was a busy one. I had difficulty with my boss. I worked lots. I was busy with the bf. I wish I could have had time for HNT this week. It just means when I find time I'll be posting two to make up for it. My bf usually works on Saturdays giving me time on my own, but this week that isn't happening.

This evening I'm going out with two girls. It may in fact be the first time that I've ever really been out with girls like I used to do in Canada. Drinking and just plain having fun. Make overs, nail polish, pillow fights, passing out and all that stuff!

I want a banana split
I want to see Rob on skype
I want to eat bacon
I want a studio where I can work
I want, I want, I want.
How selfish can I be?

He's Baaack.

The BF is now back. He quietly slipped into bed this morning at 6:30 after taking a shower. His body was cool next to mine. Wet with invisible droplets of humidity, smelling like rosemary and mint. He spooned me from behind, I turned, half asleep, to plunge my legs between his to feel my burning skin cool with the touch of his. We slept entwined for hours. His presence strong and sure next to me.
When we woke up he kissed me, he pulled me towards him and suckled my neck and shoulder down to my nipples. He pulled my shorts off and pulled the covers away to reveal my bare legs. He spread me like a book and buried his face in my cunt. Licking like an animal, sucking on my clit, slipping a finger in and out and back in.

I pushed him onto his back, straddled his leg and went down on him. I licked his cock from base to tip while cupping his balls, massaging them delicately. I took just the tip into my mouth and swirled around it with my tongue, feeling the smooth skin of his head, before thrusting it deep into my throat. I pulled up, having almost gagged myself, to force it back down. I repeated these actions, licking , swirling, cupping and thrusting a few times before coming up to face him.

I usually have to guide his cock into me, but today we were very well coordinated. It slipped in easily, I was dripping wet and he was still covered in my saliva. He grabbed my ass and pulled me onto him harder, while I settled my head above his shoulder. He teased my ass hole with one hand, while he offered the other to my mouth, two fingers, that was unusual for him. It's usually one. He teases because it's taboo for him to put a finger in my ass. It would make him cum to put it in, so he rims. I needed more, I grabbed his finger and pushed it in. I moaned loudly with that and he pulled it out and slapped me twice on the ass making me gasp.

He was so close to cumming so he pulled out. I moved to one side on all fours and continued to finger myself while he got up behind me to watch. I fingered myself for him and he pushed his finger back into my ass, one finger in my pussy, all the while I kept moving on my clit. He pounded me like that for a while until he was ready to go back in. He slipped himself back in, never took his finger out of my ass and I never stopped rubbing my clit frantically. He came hard. Mostly on my ass, some of his cum hit my arm. The smell stung my nose.

I didn't cum. He did everything right. But after such a long time of not having sex it takes a while to synchronize. I'm sure we'll have another go this evening to make up for it.

Sex isn't just reaching orgasm. It's the pleasure of getting there. If you don't get there it's fun just the same.

Just a voice. It's reassuring, complimenting, helpful, easy, like an old friend an old lover. Like someone I've known for years. It's cheerful, and makes me laugh and smile. At the right time it's politely demanding, convincing and probing. It makes me hot, sexy, and free.

Just a face. Friendly eyes, staring, smiling, wanting, laughing. Like a quiet lover, taking everything in. Eyes eating, feasting and smiling. Games make light of the evening which is also morning. Giggling with no sound. Flashing skin, hands moving, rhythm is held and then release.

Just a mind. It's connected to the body. The body is giving, donating, urgent. The mind gives and gives, and the mind wants to take something just occasionally. The mind wants to take that freedom, that time to be empty, to avoid thoughts. the body gives so that the mind can take. The mind wants to be loved and seen so that the body can give release.

Just a heart. It's open and closed. The mind is ruling the heart. Teasing, testing, waiting. The heart is connected to the body, to the mind and gut. It is instinct and pheromones, smelling the desire and acting on it. Mind and fingers referring what the heart feels. Honesty and fire. Lust being the driving force.

Vampire Porn

There is something about Vampires that turns me on. Now, I've been attracted to vampire novels all my life. I love them. Ok so Twilight is the newest in the series, but the Anne Rice series is my all-time favourite. They can be age old and keep their beauty and youth. I mean, who wouldn't be turned on by a beautiful, hot, sexy, deadly man who wants to take control of you, possibly tie you up and lick and bite you? Wouldn't you want to be tied up by a hot vampire? Taken from behind, head pushed slowly to one side, hair brushed away and then bitten on the neck while his other hand is reaching between your legs? I'm sure you can just feel his strong compelling hand on your neck holding you in place while the other reaches, gropes for that wetness that was created as soon as he touched you.

Maybe he'd tie you up just to keep you as a snack. Biting and licking you every once and a while.
Mmmm Vampires, I certainly wouldn't put up a fight.

DP

Today I double penetrated myself for the first time.

It was to say the least insane. I didn't think I was capable. Mr New helped me with it on Skype today. It was his birthday so he had me dress up in knee high black leather boots and pigtails. I added the pink hot pants and matching pink panties and bra. First he had me spank myself with a hairbrush. Just a warm up. Which worked divinely to get me wet. Then he had me rub my clit with the handle. Oh my, that was yummy. Then he said " I should get you to fuck your ass with that". I paused, thought about it, I had washed the brush before the play so everything was cool... Aww hell why not? I reached up with my free hand and got my fingers good and wet, moved them back down to my basically virgin ass and got it as wet as I could, repeat twice and I was ready to go.
I closed my eyes, relaxed and slid it in. It went in easier than I thought. It's not too huge. It's pretty thin, but I could definitely feel it stretch me. I had it half way in when he said, get your toy.
I have a blue vibrator. It doesn't vibrate anymore and I unfortunately can't get a new one due to logistic problems. So I grabbed it. He told me to "suck it". Now I should have put my "fuck me" glasses on because from where the screen was I couldn't see too well and I misread, I thought it said "fuck it". So I Sucked it first to get it wet, although I was already dripping. In and out a few times and then down. Oh my. It was intense. Penetration hurt a little, I had to find the right angle. But once it was in, my heart pounded, I could feel my face flushing, and I broke into a sweat. I don't think I lasted long, I remember pounding with the hand on the dildo and lifting my hips to match the rhythm, I was afraid that moving my other hand would hurt. The orgasm was acute. Hot like a fire poker.

Mr New didn't have a lot of time unfortunately, he was getting ready for work, he was taking a shower and as soon as I came he showed me how much he enjoyed watching me. His technique is lovely, and slow I can see every movement so clearly.

It was.... yummmmm.... something to repeat :)

Hold oN Tight,

Did I dare? I did. HHNT :o)

Emotions

Advizor's post got me thinking.

Emotions are hard to block out especially when things get as seemingly intense as they have with Rob and I. I've written a tentative email about this to him. Despite me seeing him on cam and our playing resulting in the "Belt" post, I feel that things have changed. I haven't sent the email yet and I'm still not sure I will.

I think it's natural for things to change and evolve. I'm not one for stopping that. I think change can go in two directions, it can be enticing, beautiful and welcome, and other times horribly frightening. No matter which it is I think it often needs to happen otherwise things can stagnate. Life is like a river, it needs to keep moving. Can't force it to stay still, it has to run it's course.

I'm afraid of things falling apart with him. I'm afraid of losing what we have. He knows me better than anyone else, sexually speaking, and possibly beyond. There's no way I can substitute 8 years of knowing someone, of getting to know someone. I don't really want to.

I get the feeling sometimes that he has caught himself in some kind of an emotion with me, and that he's trying to push it away. Trying to separate himself from this situation. I don't blame him if that's the case.

I hope it doesn't push him too far away.

HNToo Early??

Oops did I post this too early? Oh, I think I got confused between HNTuesday and HNThursday.... which one is it? Oh well, Just means I'll have to do more on Thursday... Or maybe HNT could be either... right? they both start with 'T'.

I did promise the black set. The Blue one is one of my favourites, but I like how I can use nylons with the black set.

Shopping can be fun.

I'd like to walk into a shop, with a short skirt and a thong on, shirt, shoes and the rest. I want to be surprised in some secluded area of the store by some attractive young man putting his hand up my skirt and fingering me right there. First by rubbing me through the fabric of my panties, then he'd move them to one side with a quick flip of the thumb and dip into my wetness. Maybe it would escalate. Maybe he'd let me feel how hard he was through his jeans, pushing it against my ass. Maybe he'd whisper something into my ear about how much he wants to put it inside me. Or maybe I'd lean back into him, arching my back, turning my head slightly and I'd ask for it. I'd tell him how much I want it inside me. Who knows, perhaps he'd just give it to me without warning. He'd have one hand on my hips guiding me onto him, the other would be in my mouth, to keep me quiet.

There are fantasies which I need to put into practice somehow. I read Advizor's post about his haircut and was reminded, so to speak, of this one.

Maybe I should organize it somehow. I mean I could, if I were in London or something, organize to be in a certain place at a certain time, and have someone I've only seen in photograph come and surprise me. Or maybe Rob would be up for it. Hmmm lot's to think about.

The Belt, part II

He asked me if I wanted to do "The Belt" part two. How could I possibly resist.

I was turned on the minute Rob sent me a text this morning saying that he was rock hard in bed wanting to push his cock into my pussy.
We talked nicely for the first while, I kept hinting that I wanted something more. He played and teased me until his suggestion came. We were looking for something different, fingers weren't going to be enough today.

I grabbed the belt and organized myself. And I watched him closely. He told me exactly what he wanted me to do.

-Slap yourself with it.
-put it between your legs over your panties, and pull on it, long and slow strokes.

Each link bumping slowly against my clit, dragging my panties with it, pulling them tighter into my ass and then back again, tightening them on my clit. Back and forth, it was almost unbearable.

-Spit on your fingers, rub it on your pussy then slip the belt through the sides of your panties.

I did as he said. I was already wet, but this made me downright slick and I shivered slightly with the cold metal on my skin, feeling the links against my freshly shaved pussy.

-Pull your top down so your nipples are showing. Pull on them. Wrap the belt around them.

I wrapped the belt around my chest. The cold buckle on my nipple. It was rough and cold, but it made my nipples hard. It felt good. I like anything tight.

-Pull it tighter, hurt yourself a little.

I pulled it tight, feeding the buckle more and more length, pulling my breasts closer together. It was almost hard to breathe, but it felt so good to be back in his hands.

-Ok, enough take it off.

It was enough to make my breasts slightly red, I looked down and laughed at myself. He smiled.

-Back to your pussy, put the belt through front to back, under your panties, spread wide. Now push some of it in.

It hurt a little, the links pinching, I had to find the right combination of movements to get some of it in. I bunched it up, the cold metal warming to my skin.

-Hold it there. Now rub your clit with the other part.

The belt was ever so slightly inside me, and I took the top half and rubbed it against my clit. The belt was now wet, sliding easily over my skin as I took the top section of chain mail and rubbed it quickly across the most sensitive area. It was getting me to the brink, just the thrill of pushing metal into myself on his orders.

The belt was eventually abandoned. I resorted in my fingers. He had me spanking myself and pushing my fingers in, banging myself and calling me a slut, his slut, until I came. I was dizzy from breathing so hard. I love that feeling of getting dizzy on sex. Getting drunk on it.

He was eager, watching, smiling, and resisting. He didn't touch himself but he was hard. He showed me like a good boy when I was done. He was huge, as usual. I asked him if I could watch him get off.

He had just shaved his marvelous cock, his balls were smooth and obviously nice to play with because he started there. God how I wanted to take them into my mouth, lick them, and get them totally drenched. I wanted his cock in my mouth. I wanted it against the back of my throat. It's a massive piece of work, I'm not sure I could handle it all. But I do want to try.

He asked me where I wanted him to cum. I asked him to cum on my tits first, making my nipples wet and slick, so I could rub it all in. Then on my lips and chin, so I could lick it up.

He came hard. All over his dining room table, he tilted the camera to show me. Holy shit, that was a lot of cum. I wasn't expecting it. But it was so hot I wanted more. I always want more from him.

It's crazy, I have to control myself.

Looking for Me.

I would describe myself as a modest girl. A simple girl. As much as I like my body I don't exaggerate in clothes or makeup. I don't go out of my way to attract attention. A simple pair of jeans and a tank top or sweater is all I really need for everyday life. I find it sexy and above all easy.

I like skirts, short, long... it depends on if I have to ride my bike or not.

I don't run around in vertiginous high heels, I prefer a low kitty heel. Don't get me wrong, I'll wear high heels for the right occasion or work event. I have a pair of boots with higher heels which I wear on a regular basis in winter with skirts.

Being as shy as I am in person (on internet I am an exhibitionist, but in person I seem the opposite often) I sometimes (not always) avoid the stares of men. I try not to wear red, that would make me stand out too much. The men in Italy are not afraid to stare and even call out when a pretty girl walks by.

All this to say that I have a split personality. With the right person the "other half" could come out and play in real life, not just on internet, on Skype or on Blogger. Sometimes I feel like I need to find that person. The person who can bring me out of my shell, help me truely understand who I am.

Bad Poetry by me.

Up and down and
in and out and
all around and round and round
fill your ears full of sound
bite my lips and pound and pound

speak to me softly
searing your breath
onto my neck
seeking my skin
under your tongue
sliding it up,
sliding it down
breaking me in
this is not sin
where have you been
making me spin
all my life
like a knife
cutting me free
making me see
that I'm not yours
to make me want you so much.
and I'm starting to resent it.

Strange Dreams and Needs

At work today I was taking a quick rest on a step there were various people walking around including my one and only male co-worker who's hot and sexy and I'd have sex with in a second if I didn't have a boyfriend and if I weren't in such a small town. He must have walked past me at least three times. I had this irresistible urge to just pull him by the legs, undo his zipper and take his cock in my mouth. Damn. Not such a good idea in a studio full of people, right? Then I contemplated staying there with him for lunch, just the two of us alone. But I avoided it. It probably just would have been uncomfortable.


I had the strangest dream last night.

I was destined to marry a girlfriend of mine that I haven't seen in about 10 years. must have something to do with the fact that she got married (to a man) and she posted the news on facebook recently. Then during the dream a gay Italian singer wanted to have sex with me. I was horny and would have, he's a lot older than me and he's not my type, but I kept telling him that I couldn't because I was getting married.
I don't think I'll even try to analyze that dream.

(A recent picture of him above, and an older gayer one below)

HNT Colours

I love colours. And I decided to get a little more nekkid with all you readers today. I think the nudity creates wonderful colours I may even have to make a painting of this image. It's very artistic don't you think?

The Shower

His eyes were on her, they didn't look away for a second. He absentmindedly popped food into his mouth as if he were at the movies.
The screen lit his face and reflected in his glasses as he watched her undress. She thought she saw a hint of nervousness, fidgety even. She smiled and continued to take off her bra and panties.
She adjusted the angle of the computer so that the shower was visible, made sure that the height was just right so that he could see her from the thighs up at least.
She never promised him anything. Just a shower.

It had been a hot day, she was sticky and sweaty from a day at work, a shower is just what she needed to relax, get clean and cool off.

As he munched on his snack, he was attentive, watching every move. She started with a rinse, getting everything wet, running her hands through her hair and feeling the water on her face.

Her nipples hardened and perked from the temperature difference of the water.
She reached for a bottle and started with her hair. Washing and scrubbing it thoroughly but quickly. She didn't know when her boyfriend would be home. When she turned to rinse, he could see the shampoo suds make their way down her long back and along the crack between her cheeks.

Next she reached for the shower gel. She abundantly poured it on her sponge and teased by pouring some on her chest, rubbing her hands over her breasts to make it foam. She passed the sponge over her entire body, from her neck and shoulders over her breasts, working her way down to that special place between her legs. The soap making everything slippery and smooth. the foam slipping into the most intimate areas of her body. She touched herself longingly knowing that there wasn't time for any real play, just time for a tease.

Grabbing another pretzel he noticed she had reached for something different. It wasn't another bottle. She had little blue razor in her hand, she used it quickly under her arms before moving down between her legs again, lifting her leg just enough to slip the razor under. She seemed satisfied by the smoothness, running her hand back and forth slowly, obviously aroused by the situation.

She was finishing, a last rinse. Stepping out of the shower, dripping, goosebumps, and a shiver. Wrapping herself in a plush housecoat, and a towel in her hair. She dried her hands quickly and grabbed the computer, carrying it into the other room. She closed the curtains on the window and proceeded to grab yet another bottle. This one was moisturizer. She smiled at him, while she watched his reaction as she dripped it onto her breasts obviously imitating what he called liquid pearl. It created something of a mess. It looked like he had just cum all over her. She started rubbing it in slowly, enjoying every second of the slippery smoothness. She worked it into her breasts, tummy, legs and thighs, each time dripping it teasingly on the various parts of her body.

She looked up to see his reaction. He was concentrated smiling, but not making direct eye contact. He wanted to show her what she had done to him. She ran to get clothes jumped into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, just in case her boyfriend got home. She was eager to see what he had in store for her.

Still kicking

Yes I'm still alive. I have not been able to get onto Blogger recently due to a mix of work, bf and art time for me. I've started on a largish project which will be eating my time up for the next while. However I do plan on catching up on all my reading and posting. So alas hang in there.

A few notes:

I'm writing a post on Mr. New (I need to find an appropriate name). It's the shower scene ;) so It should be fun to read.

I spoke with Rob recently, and things seem to be lacking. Again it could be my imagination, since it was him who texted me, and we had a nice yet brief conversation. When I asked him if he would be around next week he said he didn't know.

Bf will be going away for a week. (did I already mention this?) In any case it means that I'll have time for Rob (if he wants the attention), Mr. New and Blogger, not to mention my art project.

I have had no sexual behavior in the past few weeks due to various things. Nothing serious. Just tail ends of stuff. But I will be back on track next week. I'm excited. wooot!

Tetsuo - Iron Man.

I can tell you that I don't think I'll be dreaming about this kind of sex anytime soon ;)

Maybe some of you can get an idea of how strange I really am though. Here's a movie I came across on T.V. last night. I unfortunately didn't see the whole thing, nor did I watch it to the end. It was pretty late. Nonetheless it is possibly the strangest cult film I've ever seen. This a scene I did see. And it is possibly the strangest in the movie.

On My Own

I have been having been finding it hard to find the time to write anything recently. Partially due to my intense work schedule recently, and partially due to my mood. I've been feeling rather low.

I had an unfortunate conversation with Rob. It was my fault honestly I was in a bad mood and I was being a brat because I never get to see him online. So I was whiny. I should apologize.

I have recently been feeling like I need some time and space of my own. I really think I need time alone from my bf. Since he quit at his job 2.8 years ago he's been home and always around. As much as I enjoy his company, I cherish my time alone and in fact feel much more creative when I'm on my own.

I've been contemplating renting a garage/studio to work in. I'm an artist among other things and I do need the space. unfortunately my schedule often does not allow for entire half days for myself but I would like to try to organize it in such a way that I do have that time.

I think I would be happier in general, both at home and at work.

I have also learned that my bf has been thinking about heading home for a week to visit his mother. I am obviously invited, but I may have to politely decline the invitation due to work obligations so that I can have some true alone time at home.

HNT Normality

All within a normal day in front of the computer ;) nothing contrived, no dressing up. Just me.

The Urge

I have this urge.
To walk up to a complete stranger seeing some passing reaction in their eyes, approval, hunger, lust and just acting on it. No words should be uttered. I would walk over, semi confident, not looking the man in the face, but looking down. I would smile to myself as I walked over knowing what was coming. Getting closer I would look up at him and smile. I would back him onto a wall and wrap my hand around his neck at the base of his skull. Pull his head down towards mine and kiss him passionately. Running my tongue lightly over his lips as if I were licking an ice-cream, taking his bottom lip between my teeth lightly, teasing him, and then plunging my tongue into his mouth to explore its depths.
I think it would last a minute or two. He would remain awed, in shock, not knowing what hit him. And I would walk away licking my whiskers, turning my head to see his reaction.

This town is too small for something like that. If I ever visit a larger town on my own, I'll be on the prowl for the right person.