Poems from the Past

Hold me like a child once did,

arms spread apart like the legs of an old madam.

Teach me what you know of the world 

and comfort me with the thoughts of another human soul.

Take me into the oblivion that we once both knew 

and push me into the void as you've always wanted to do.

Pull me from the candy that I yearn for ever softly,

stretch me over your body when you need my warm interior.

Force me to speak in cadence as you suck and lick me quickly,

insert yourself between my legs opening up the sky within.

That cold piece of metal forced through your tongue 

like a hot knife through words,

cold and tightening against my nipples.

Bite and pull as you once did as another.

The one who taught me the tricks of the desert.

Pound me with my head against the wall.

I'm waiting ever so breathlessly for your subtle climax.

Jam it back as hard as you can

so that its warmth and bitterness seeps down my throat.

Swallowing gently, kiss me, taste yourself,

smell the sweetness in my words.

** This poem was written in 1998, I was 20. The year I arrived in this country. I had met an american guy named Dale... yeah I'll use his real name, no one knows this story but me. There are a few punctuation changes I  was also debating changing "child" to "companion" in the first line. I wasn't sure why I used it but analyzing it further I've decided to leave it. I think it's the naivety of a child that I was trying to contrast with the open legs of an old madam. 

I chose to post this poem because of how relevant I find it. Dale was someone who inspired raw sexuality in me. The fling lasted about 2 weeks without ever having sex. Just me sucking him off and him sucking me off. This poem compares him to my longest relationship till then. All before meeting bf. 

More than embarrassing.

Here's an embarrassing story. I went sailing with my friends again on thursday afternoon. I didn't really want to go, neither did bf, but we gave in to temptation and went anyhow.

The boat was sailing at about 2 knots and the wind was blowing at about 15 knots. The owner of the boat threw a rope with a buoy on the end into the water. His son and bf jumped in to hang on to the line to be dragged by the sailboat. It's not the first time I'd done it before. I'd done it quite a few times in fact. I usually jump off the back, land in the water and grab the rope. This time I wanted to see how cold the water was first so I sat down on the back of the boat to dip my feet in. From that position, my feet were wet and standing up to jump in the water might have been dangerous, I might have slipped. So I decided to push off from a seated position.

I was warned to be careful of the ladder that was bobbing in the water off the back of the boat. So I pushed off carefully trying to avoid the ladder. But alas the ladder bobbed up just as I was falling in and my ass landed on the edge of the ladder, sliding down the side of the ladder. The ladder wasn't smooth, it was like a small straw going into a big one. As I slid down the makeshift pain wagon into salt water I could feel it scraping my butt. My head went under water, I grabbed the rope and I came back up. The two men on the boat who watched me go in were looking worried as I looked back at them. They asked me if I was ok, I said no. I was in a lot of pain with a scrape on the ass with salt water in it. After a few minutes I wasn't in pain anymore, the cool water was acting like an ice-cube.

When I got back onto the boat, bf noticed right away a scrape on my thigh and the owner of the boat insisted on bending me over to have a look, but little did they know what was waiting under my bathing suit. I went to the head (the boat washroom) to check on the situation. All I could do was check with toilet paper. And yes I was bleeding between the cheeks.

From here the story gets nasty continue reading at your own peril, graphic details may ensue.

Since salt water from the sea is not clean and I was wearing a wet bathing suit for hours after I cut myself, the night brought me infection. The cut was worse than I thought, in that when I slid down the jagged edge of the ladder, it pulled my butt cheek far enough away from my body that I managed to cut myself inside too.

Needless to say I'm in pain. I had a fever yesterday, and I talked to a doctor who suggested hydrogen peroxide and an antibiotic cream. After a day and a half of using that the infection is under control. But I can't move without yelping. I went to work both this morning and yesterday morning. Strangely, standing and walking don't hurt too much. Sitting hurts like hell. Going to the washroom hurts even worse.
I must have hit my tailbone too, hence the pain when I sit.

So yeah... fun fun with gauze between my cheeks. I'll be spending some healing time on the couch this weekend. I wanted to get some HNT shots for next week, but I may not be up to it. I could get shots of my bruises and scrapes I suppose. I'll think about that one.

Have a good weekend people.
xoxo

Words

His hands move over me, taking their time, carefully unbuttoning every button, unzipping every zipper, letting each strap fall. His fingers grazing my cool skin, electricity in his fingertips leaving a trail of goosebumps. His hands move lightly over me tracing patterns on my skin, moving up my thighs, tummy, back, arms, neck, up into my hair to gently guide my head back towards his shoulder. Cocking it to one side, I can feel his breath hot against my neck, the muscles and tendons of my neck straining with the position. His lips brush that sweet nook between the neck and the shoulders while his other hand wraps around my waist and pulls my body in closer to his behind me. Sweet, small kisses up my neck behind my ear, and then he whispers something to me. My lips part slightly with a gasp of air, my breathing quickens, I let a soft moan escape my lips. His lips are poised on the edge of my ear, he's talking to me quietly, saying things I've been dying to hear for years. Those words that I'd read so often become reality and yet are ephemeral and fleeting as they dissolve in the air like smoke. 

There are words that I have never been told intimately. Words that I long to hear whispered to me.

jealousy, holes and caring.

I've been sitting here for a half hour trying to figure out how to start this post. Since I talked to Rob the other night, there are a lot of things I'd like to communicate and keep for my own record. Things only stay on Skype for so long.

I didn't want this to be the usual post... I wanted to change things up a bit but I'm not sure how (and I didn't figure it out either).

It wasn't the usual conversation with Rob either. It was not sexual, it was purely an introspection on our so-called relationship.

I grilled him on his relationship with his gf. I always thought our situations were similar, I was wrong, he's happy in his relationship. I'm happy for him. I really truly am. But at the same time I'm terribly jealous. It's the absolutely first time I've felt jealousy towards his girlfriend. It's probably because I subconsciously think that he doesn't need me like I need him. 

The reason why we have this relationship is because we're filling holes. It's my typical theory about partners not fulfilling every need that an individual has. I fill a lack of creativity and a different intelligence in his life, and he fills the lack of words and confirmation in mine. 

He said a few things I won't be forgetting soon. One is that he doesn't want me to leave my boyfriend, for one reason only, and that's because he's afraid I'd find someone else who would take his place. 

The other is that he cares about me. I know, it kinda sounds obvious. But it was really nice to hear it confirmed and verbalized.

I think we tend to stay away from that kind of (open feeling) thing with each other. We are probably worried about attachment and having to let go at some point. (At least I am)

He also brought up a good point. Since I (think I've) realized what was lacking in my relationship I am now able to ask for what I need or start changing things. But his question was whether I'd stop looking for something externally since I've been looking for so long... years. 

I don't know the answer to that question. It depends on how strong my addiction is, and how connected it is to my relationship I guess. 

He thinks I'm looking to get caught, that I am (or have been) looking for a way out. 

That could also be true.

The last thing is something that I've had a knowledge of but haven't really vocalized until now, and that is that I'm terrified of having asked my bf to tell me he loves me. I'm scared I won't be able to answer. I have never had a clear idea of my feelings for him.

Once he starts (if he starts) vocalizing his feelings for me, I think I'll need some time to understand my own feelings.

THANK YOU

PARTY!!!!!

Ok so I've hit my 20,000th hit and I've posted 200 blog entries. So there's going to be a little internet blog partying going on (It's all imaginary of course... well apart from the stars).

So with this I want to thank all my followers. Yes, you folks, you're the ones who keep me coming back. Without you I'd be writing a private hand written diary that my bf would be trying to decipher or not writing anything and wallowing in my troubles. 

Over the past year I have gained such an amazing circle of blog friends who are attentive readers and commenters. They pick me up when I'm down and encourage me. They give me valid and extremely useful advice and are honest about what they think.

I have put A LOT of that advice into practice and have recently come to reach a better understanding with my bf (whether that lasts or not, we'll see). It was no coincidence that I had the conversation with my boyfriend the other day after a year of so much great advice and support.

I have come to reach an understanding about who I am and what I want in a relationship thanks to many of you. 

I also wanted to thank my invisible followers. Even if you don't leave comments you are motive for my continuing this blog. I keep a close eye on my stat counter, I've reached a yo-yo type effect over the year with my non constant posting but in the summer I've been hitting about 75 visits a day. I certainly have to admit that I adore knowing there are so many people who visit and return. 

I'm not going to drag this on, it sounds like an award speech, but yes I did want to thank everyone. 

THANK YOU!!!

HNT mirrors

*click*

Without realizing it, I've hit my 200th post. This is it folks, I guess it's appropriate that it's an HNT.  It's probably the most interesting kind of post for my viewers. I will however do some kind of sum up post in the next day or two. I really want to do a thank you viewer post lol, but will do so properly with a nice post. xoxo

"Happy Ending"

It has been a very long few days.

After working things out with bf things went downhill again. It didn't take long for me to explode with the smallest thing he did. Everything he does these days gets on my nerves. I can't help it. We discussed the event briefly until I came to the conclusion that I overreacted. I apologized fighting back tears and then went for a long walk.

When I got home, I was tired and I went to bed. This morning bf woke me at 7:30 with caresses and kisses.  It didn't bother me, I don't mind being woken like that. Even if it's too early. Then we started talking. We didn't stop until 10:00. I told him that the way he handles me sometimes bothers me (the grabbing), I told him that his putting me down when I'm getting dressed to go out bothers me (he always says "oh, you're wearing that??" or "go change" or "you dress like a gypsy" or something else to make me uncomfortable with myself),  I told him that I need to hear some kind of verbal confirmation of his love for me on occasion.

It was a bit of a battle he put up a fight for everything I said.

I also said that his lack of communication with me was not all his fault, that I do not do my part in the communication of my own feelings.

We finally finished the discussion when he asked a question that I couldn't answer. He said "so you think I should have to initiate expressing my feelings when you have never initiated yourself".

This sentence brought on a wave of guilt and unworthiness that was so strong I cried for the next hour.

I'm not sure what to do with myself at the moment. Maybe everything will clear up now that "the discussion" was had. Or maybe everything will continue as before.

Patterns

The patterns repeat themselves. I'm guessing it has something to do with the fibonacci sequence, but I can't be sure.

-One pattern is my arguments with bf: We've been having the same conversations for 12 years. How much longer is it possible to have the same conversation?
P.S. We finally hashed things out last night and are no longer in the cold shoulder phase.

-Another pattern is Rob: Once he gets off with me he stays away for a good long while. He hasn't answered any of my texts recently (perhaps a total of three). I've actually been looking into flights for August again... (yeah it's expensive for ryanair, but it's still within my budget range... tempting). I asked him what he thought, but there was no answer.

**post script note this afternoon. The pattern was broken... he texted me today. :)**


-Then there's my chatroulette pattern: I keep going back. It's too easy. I have started avoiding asking ages anymore, if they look old enough they are. No questions on either side usually. I've had a few interesting encounters. My most memorable was with a couple. She was sucking him off, and I guess they wanted an audience. Once he came in her mouth, he came down to the keyboard and thanked me. It was nice to just watch. I found another couple yesterday afternoon while bf was at the beach. It was a huge turn on, she had great tits, he was a bit overweight, but he was kneeling over her chest, cock between her tits and she was licking the tip of his cock as he thrust slowly. She nexted me... she looked at the screen at one point... who knows... maybe they wanted a man.
Yesterday I actually opted for a full face approach to Chatroulette, with large sunglasses to hide my eyes. It's funny how people just sit there waiting, staring at me, not talking. I'm not sure why. With so many fake chicks on there, I wonder if they think I'm a video. I remember on Camfrog that was a popular belief.

What do men want?

I'm trying to figure this out. It is obvious to me that without knowing I can't possibly make things work.

Does the home cooked meal and cleaning the house really make a man happy?? Why? Is it a reminder of Mom? Does he feel like he's being pampered?

I don't get it.

The other day we were out for a walk and I suggested we go to a cafe and have a snack for dinner then some ice-cream. It's the same old story, same as the last time I blogged about it. I can't convince him. He said, the grocery store is right there, why don't we grab something and go home?

It was a bit of a tug of war and I ended up losing interest all together and I bought myself some ice-cream and tater-tots and we went home.

When we had the discussion at home, his answer was that I only do what I "want" to do (that's code for the cleaning that I never do) so he'll keep refusing to go out with me, why should he do things he doesn't want to do if I'm not doing things I don't want to do.

I've been honest about the household situation on this blog. I have admitted that I do very little to help out around the house and there are lots of reasons/excuses for that: I work (he doesn't) so he has more time, I am slower at seeing what needs to be done so he does it before I get a chance to, he's better at it than I am, I get home from work exhausted and don't have the energy to clean.

We've been having this same conversation for 10 years. I'm getting a bit tired of it.

HNT comeback!

It has been a while since I posted an HNT so I thought I'd make up for it.  

*click*

Visitors!

I'm at my 19,184th visitor and I'm at 99 public followers.  I'll have a party at 20,000 visitors :-)

I know it's not much compared to some, but I do cherish every single one of my followers. Sooo as a little game I'd like to offer a very private gift to my next public follower, NUMBER 100!!! Whoever it is will have to leave me a comment because it is hard to tell who joins, they don't come up in order on my list for some reason. Or you can email me, you'll find my email on my profile page.

Good luck!

For my faithful readers I will think of something to do at the 20,000 mark. Please leave any ideas in the comments below as to what I should do. I haven't done any HNTs lately so perhaps that could be part of it.

Hot Cum.

My bf finally fucked me yesterday... and then again today.... it was good. He's been surprising me lately. Although he always surprises me.

Last night was impressive because it was a first for me.

I was laying on top of him on the couch just resting tummy down between his legs, my head on his chest. He started with a back rub. When I was ready he flipped me onto my side next to him. That's when he pulled my tank top down and my bikini along with it, and started sucking on my nipples.

He pulled my miniskirt up, bikini bottoms to one side and started stroking. I was wet instantly, he didn't really need to "prep" me much. That's when he slid his left hand under my ass and the other on top. With his left he grabbed my pussy, 2 or three fingers inside. With the other hand he fingered me, while the other fingers were holding me down basically. He shifted his weight forward and started flicking my clit with his tongue. It took about 1 minute. I came hard. I had to tell him not to stop. I've never cum with just fingers and tongue. it was a first.

I must be more in tune with my body. I listen to it more carefully. I'm confident that I know where my g-spot is, but I still haven't had an orgasm from just that. Today though Bf's cock was pounding my g-spot at one point. But an orgasm just from that is not happening, I've got to do more research on my own.

There was a lot going on the second time round. I think the thing that stood out the most was another rarity. I was laying on my back with my legs towards him, we were both just watching each other masturbate when he decided to kneel next to my tummy. He pulled my shirt out of the way and came all over me... alll over me. my tits my tummy my arms, it was everywhere. I can't be sure on this one, but I'm pretty sure we've never done that before. I mean he has cum on my tits before, but never from a kneeling position raining cum all over me. I never really noticed how hot it actually is when it lands. Perhaps it's the fact that it's 30 degrees here already, but it felt boiling.

performance anxiety

I had another late night with Rob recently. It was pretty amazing as usual.

The best part, the part that when I think back makes me smile and makes me happy is just how at ease we are with each other. He wanted to make me cum, so I let him. He didn't need to tell me a story, he talked a little dirty, telling me what he'd do to me. But he would smile and that would make me smile, I loved it. When he smiles while watching me I know that he likes it. I couldn't help but giggle in silence (bf was sleeping).
I returned the favour, I doubt that I was very good at it. I'm much better at just stripping and teasing than trying to get a guy off  by just writing words.

With Rob, since it's relatively rare that I actually get to make him cum, I feel a bit of performance anxiety. I hope it was ok.

I was looking into flights over to London for July/August. They are quite expensive, I'm not sure I'll manage to get over. I'm hoping, but I doubt it somehow.

Wearing a dress

The desperation takes over sometimes. I feel like I'm wasting my youth. I mean, Fuck, I look good, and I can't even get a dress on for any reason?

I can't get a nice evening out with bf, I can't even suggest we go to dinner, I can't suggest we go out to get ice-cream, I can't suggest going to a concert or out for a drink for a snack, for breakfast out, to a movie, I can't suggest doing anything without him saying... "no, we've got that at home", "we can do that at home", "it's expensive", "nooo, I'll cook at home"... and so on.
I can't even offer to pay for it myself knowing he has less work at the moment.

The only reasons I can find to put on a nice dress is to go to a concert with my gay 50 yr old friend so that people stare at us as if I'm a call girl.

And he doesn't get it. I've tried talking to him about it.

What frustration.

talk and touch.

I sometimes love the fact that Rob and I don't have audio. It means that I have a pretty permanent record of what we say. But there are times that I wish we could talk to each other. I feel the need to get used to his voice a bit, I'd like to get used to telling him naughty things that come to mind. I'd like to be completely uninhibited the next time we get together. Not having any practice will make me nervous to speak. I don't speak during sex at all at the moment. I'm afraid of making stupid mistakes in Italian. (I actually don't know a lot of the terms because no-one has really taught me). 

But in English I used to talk a little... whispering things to my lovers out of the blue. Don't get me wrong. I've always been relatively vocal when it comes to moans and groans. Especially during orgasm, my bf had to cover my mouth once hah... but speaking... that's a bit different. I've never really gotten used to that.

*****

So my coworker and I are becoming closer. We've been talking quite a lot. He complains if I decide to go home for lunch instead of spending my lunch hour with him and the rest of our friends.

He actually asked me if I wanted to go to Barcelona to see Placebo in concert.... hah- Then I asked him if his girlfriend was going and he said yes. Her and another friend of theirs.

Whatever....

Every time I walk past him I have to contain the urge to touch him. He pretty much touches me every time he walks past me. And we are walking around in a pretty confined space all morning.... Between the two of us, we might touch each other 10 times in a morning. Some of it is pokes, some is a caress on the arm, a pat on the head, a light pinch on the side, just a touch on the arm or small of the back when we want to get by. I'm not sure if it's just me, or if it is unusual to touch someone so much in such a short amount of time.

I'll have to watch him and my other co-worker. Maybe he does it with her too... not sure. I'll keep my eyes open.

Today I was sitting low to the ground on a step, he was standing in front of me, turned to the side, I got this huge urge to rub his legs, feel the hair between my fingers (he was wearing shorts). I keep imagining the two of us close, so close we can smell each other's skin, we can feel each other's breath, our lips brush....
I'm hoping that it will happen... and I'm hoping it won't... it would complicate things.

Fire, fire burning bright

I was on a boat all morning with three macho italian guys and one other woman.
I was in my silver bikini, sunglasses and straw cowboy style hat. I got hot, sticky, sweaty and salty. And all I can think of is Rob's cock. I'd get both my hands wrapped snugly around the shaft and let them slide slowly up and down, teasing the tip with my tongue and lips. He'd want more, and start thrusting, holding my head with his hands, forcing it further into my mouth. I wouldn't be able to breathe, saliva running down my chin and onto my chest. I'd pull back gasping for air, just to lunge myself back onto it forcing it even further into my throat.
I'm wet just thinking about it. I've "forgotten" to put my panties on after my shower. Freshly shaved pussy is always soft and smooth. I've dipped in a few times just to see how wet I really am, but I haven't gone past that. The fire is burning and he's the only one that can put it out. I've tried to quench that fire myself. It goes dull, but the embers remain, they ignite at the slightest thought.