In and Out

People come and go from a person's life, but recently I've had a lot of coming and going.

When I went back this summer to visit friends and family I reconnected with people who I've been in "contact" with via Facebook, but seeing them in person sparked more human interactions.

One is my best friend who is going through a period which we are enjoying sharing. She is going through a pretty intense affair. She is loving it and sharing almost every aspect with me. This has also given me a window to throw in everything that has been going on with me including the blog, Rob, Co-worker and everyone else in my "private" life. I love having her to talk to, share emotions with and basically just bare my soul to.

The other re-entry is my ex-boyfriend. We dated many years ago when I was in high school. I did mention him in a post, I even gave him a name, but god only knows what it was. I used to share just about everything with him before we started dating. We were very close friends and ultimately I broke up with him to save that friendship. I was glad that I did because I managed to save it. But at the same time I think he was terribly hurt.

We kept in touch through the years, I went to his wedding, he had two kids and recently went through a pretty terrible separation. He would get in touch with me when things got bad at home but recently (especially after seeing him back home this summer) he has become extremely needy.

I told him that I was going through tough times with the Bf and I even told him that we were going through a break up but then we got back together, but I don't think he understood. I think he just heard the part about breaking up.

He wants to be "part of my life" he wants to be actively involved in learning about who I have become. I have such a hard time letting him in again because I'm afraid he is going to get hurt again. He doesn't deserve to go through that right now.

I will have to be very careful about how I deal with this situation....

Co-Worker
Well Friday at work went ahead as per usual. The infamous text was never mentioned. And at this point I wonder whether he even received it...

So I was thinking of sending another one on Monday, saying
"choose the correct answer: A) you didn't receive the txt, B) you're ignoring it, C) you didn't understand or D) you didn't have the money to answer"

So much yet so little

So much has been going on, yet so little.

BF
There has been no news on the apartment front, and I am planning on moving back into the guest room for a few nights. Just because I need bf to understand that I haven't changed my mind about moving out. I am afraid though that I've been lax on things at home, especially on his understanding, so I will have to sit down with him and talk to him about it again.

I have changed my ways slightly as he has been at school every day learning English, he leaves at 7 am and comes home at around 8pm, so last night I went grocery shopping and made him dinner with candles and everything. He appreciated it and thanked me. This is something I'd never have done in the past. But I felt compelled since he is out all day.

Co-Worker
Co-worker has been confusing, and there are days when I think that I've lost all interest or that he has lost all interest. That it would be totally WRONG to even tease because we're both in what seems to be a solid place.

But then, like yesterday, where he'd stare me down all morning, with eyes WIDE open, following my movements... being evident about it. I got flustered and smiled, I did try to ask him "What? What???" but he just stays quiet.

The touchy/feely flirting is coming back, and I'm just glad that things are back to normal with him.

I may have compromised that a bit though seeing as today I wrote him a text. It's complicated to explain. I used a common italian saying and translated it terribly into English, and sent it to him. The translated text said more or less "Dont' get mad but sometimes you tempt me". The translation into English (it made no sense in English but it made perfect sense if translated back into Italian) was so obviously wrong that it was funny and I was laughing at it as I wrote him the message. I even put a ;) face after the silly sentence.

Sadly though, he never wrote back. Poo on him.... I wonder if he's going to say something about it tomorrow. It annoys me when I text him and he doesn't write back. I don't get it. Last time I sent him a message with anything similar he got mad at me. So I admit I'm a little worried.

The rest (which isn't much)
I have a new friend. She's an american girl from New York and we went to Florence together last weekend. It was a weird day... very very weird. But I think I'll hold that story off for another day.

I have also received a few emails from the blogsphere that I have been terrible at answering, I promise as soon as I have an evening I'll sit down and answer those!! I feel terrible for procrastinating on those :( But as we all know around here, life gets in the way ;)

Work, Taxes and the Boys of course.

I'm typing with a bandaid on a finger.... I just managed to slice my baby finger open.

Things have been UBER stressful and crazy the past week. Apart from the stress of breaking up, getting back together and trying to find apartments the week before last, this week has been exceptionally insane.

School started... I teach, so all of my evening classes started this week. On top of that the school has decided to integrate a new component into some of the regular courses making it very difficult for us teachers to manoever. In fact I think the school got ripped off. The "online" program they've decided to integrate sucks ass. The people who are running it are totally disorganized and well... I've been having to deal with all this at work considering I'm supposed to teach the students how to use the bloody thing.

Not only that but I've had semi personal problems with one of my teacher colleagues. I've been told by a friend that she is not doing her job the way she should. I've been stressing about how to tell this colleague to change the way she's doing things.

Then there's the Taxes. I got an email from back home saying that I owe 6000 dollars in taxes. The company who is dealing with some stuff back home scared the shit out of me saying that they could go out of business for errors like this. So I had to get on the computer to send them the money. For bureaucratic and technological problems it was really really complicated. Between having to raise the limit on my account for transfers, to banks being closed eastern time, to getting the wrong message on the internet banking site... I ended up sending the money twice... ARG... I was dealing with this while having an already stressful day between midnight and 2am because of the time difference. Joy...

On the positive side of things, strangely I'm in a relatively good mood.

ROB
I sent Rob a text yesterday asking him to cheer me up, because I was having a bad day. And he wrote back saying "I remember the groan you made when I kissed your neck before you undid my jeans to suck my cock".

That made my heart stop and yes I smiled, and I blushed even. I told him all of this and he simply wrote back: "Love you"

To which I responded "love you too"

Co-Worker
Yesterday I had the opportunity, for the first time in ages, to have lunch with Co-worker. It was mostly awkward.... neither of us knew what to say to each other most of the time.
There was one thing though that happened that probably should have been my cue to say something, but I missed out, I didn't take it. He pointed to a painting on the wall where we were eating and just started counting down from three. I  immediately answered a name. And to explain briefly, the painting was an image from our trip to greece and I had three seconds to recognize it. We both think about greece on a pretty constant basis I think... considering the other day he mentioned a beach, and then yesterday the painting.

There was so much I'd have wanted to say. And I contemplate sending him a text just about every day, but then I never do.

Perspectives

I have been actively looking for apartments in the past week. I've been to see a total of three. Two were really nice, but for different reasons neither would work. Also I think I have to reduce my original budget from 600 a month to 550 or 500.

Other than that there hasn't been much progress. I told two sets of friends of ours what was going on. I think that it helps a bit. When I told bf that I had told them, he wasn't terribly enthusiastic. But I think it's just a matter of him getting used to things.

At this point bf has been leechy caressing me and my face constantly whenever he's close to me. He's gotten a bit sappy, but I know that he's a bit too sweet at times.... I should appreciate it, but it's just not my style.

ROB
I heard from Rob a little: a brief meeting on line last week, where we talked about the "break up". Today he texted me asking me how I was and I told him that the break-up didn't go through completely but that I was moving out. He was obviously confused and it was difficult to explain through text messages. He told me to let him know when I wanted to talk about it and this afternoon we both managed to get on line.
It was a nice chat, he was in a really good mood, and he poked a little fun at me for not pulling the break-up off. But in the end he was sympathetic and understanding. It was really nice to talk and see him as usual. He texted me after saying that he wants to fuck me. I joked around saying it was because I'm not single, and he said it was because "you're you".

I had in the past week been backing off both him and Co-worker. Just to see their reactions. I have also been self absorbed recently and haven't had time really for either of them.

Co-Worker
Co-worker today was looking for attention. At one point he surprised me by saying the name of a greek beach that we visited together. One of the most beautiful places I've seen. And all these images and feelings came flowing back for a brief moment.

How am I feeling?
I'm still confused. I need to get out to get perspective.

Decisions...

This is in part an answer to all of you who have commented as well as personal observations and thoughts on the situation.

I never follow my heart. My heart is often too passionate and impulsive. I also never follow my head, because my head rationalizes too much and often I get mislead.
I try to follow my gut. My gut instinct is what has always brought me to the right decisions, and it is something I've come to realize through many "wrong" decisions over the years and kicking myself for not having followed my gut sense.

I came to the decision (before reading your comments) that the best solution is that of moving out and keeping things on with bf. We both need the distance to understand where we are in life and what we need. It is a place that he will grow in, and where I will understand what I want.

As I read your comments on my last post I realized that you were mostly confirming what I already knew. Space and distance are important in this case.

There are things that I've come to realize that are more important to me than I thought.
The artistic side of things... for example. The space to create at any hour any time of day without having someone around is important for me. I can't create with someone around. It's impossible.

My best friend today said that if I want to move out, I'll need to concentrate the "new conversation" on the positive aspects of growth from a distance, to encourage him as best I can, (because I haven't done enough of that over the past few days) and to tell him how much I appreciate his efforts. Because otherwise he will easily fall into what could be called a depression or a laziness of sorts. But if I honestly want things to change I need to give him that input.

I am feeling better. I feel like I've reached an excellent compromise to the situation. I feel comfortable with the decision. It's the only decision I wasn't despairing over. That's how I came to this conclusion. At the thought of both of the other options I was in dire pain. So breaking it off completely or staying were both out of the question.

I bawled my eyes out this morning, hyperventilated and then went to work. By the time I came home my neighbour was here (the one I'd mentioned the eminent break up to just before it happened).

And while talking to him my inkling of thought grew into a formed decision which was reinforced at ever turn, between talking to my best friend, reading the comments on the blog and talking briefly to my father not 5 minutes ago.

I have yet to break the news to Bf... I fear it will be another painful step. I fear he will not take it as well as I feel it should go. I hope that by keeping a positive attitude he will follow. I have been warned, my neighbour (and Advizor for that matter) mentioned that he is from a part of the world where certain "ideas" and customs are ingrained into the people. He may not understand, or fathom the situation of living separately. But I/he will have to work on that.

Finding an apartment is the next step. I have seen one that is interesting and will be seeing another tomorrow. The one tomorrow sounds very interesting. I hope that it is.

confused

This is a very difficult post for me. I am extremely confused (and that is an understatement), although I admit that my ideas may be getting clearer as I speak with friends and family.

Up until today things had gone relatively smoothly with very little "opposition" on Bf's part.

Today though, when I woke up this morning, he asked me if I'd be around in the afternoon so that we could talk. We weren't sure it was going to pan out seeing as we both had things to do, but we aimed for the afternoon.

When I got home from work in the late morning he was having a cigarette, he has been smoking a little, in front of me since the "conversation".

We sat down and he started to talk.
He explained that he hasn't been eating, that he doesn't think he can live without me, that he has understood more in the past 3 days than he has understood in last 14 years....

-He understands now that he has denied me the basic foundations of a relationship: communication and expressing one's love for another.

-He understands that he wasted time on so many useless things when he could have been making concrete steps towards a future together.

-He understands that he concentrated on the wrong things and put too much energy into the wrong things.

-He understands my perspective now.

(consider as well, that I said nothing of these things during the conversation, he came up with them on his own)

He cried as he explained this. It was the first time in 14 years I've actually seen him cry... and really cry.
He said that he wants to get involved in my artwork more (it is something that generally is heavy work and needs manual labour to make it possible). He wants to take courses (in this artform) so that in a future we could open a studio someplace like back in North America or another country.
He mentioned getting married next summer.

I didn't give him an answer. I cried though, I hugged him, and I told him that I needed time to think about things.

_________

This is what I was expecting 10 years ago... I was expecting him to open up, propose to me and become even minimally interested in what I do. It never came. I'm getting it now that I'm trying to break up with him.

*My sister suggested I keep an open mind. People change...
They do, I've seen it. Especially if there is a catalyst, and this is definitely a catalyst. In other words, she thinks I should give him another chance.

*My best friend says that he shouldn't be changing out of fear for losing me. She's not sure that he will change as much as I need him to and in what amount of time.
In other words, not close the door on him completely but see if he changes even after I've moved out. (which in my opinion may be difficult seeing as I won't be witnessing the changes if I'm not present).

*My view (which isn't concrete, mostly questions): I need to figure out whether I want to be in the relationship even if he does give me everything I've always asked for and wanted.
After 13 years of not (or very rarely) hearing someone say (or saying yourself) "I love you", it's difficult to know what you feel, because you've never expressed it. So even if he does start, will I feel comfortable saying "I love you" back? Do I love him? ... so much time has passed since I fell in love that I don't actually know what I feel. I think (but don't actually know) that if a couple uses the phrase from the start, the feeling is amplified or at least reinstated every time it is said.

His offer is tempting... very tempting. I'd love to give in to a safe and comfortable future with him. But there are so many uncertainties on either side of the decision I don't know what to think.

I need to talk to my father, see what he says. He gives good advice that has generally always been beneficial. But I basically already know where he stands.

Maybe I need to ask Bf what HE wants out of his life. I don't think that following me in my art endeavors is his ultimate life choice. What if I choose to move into my own apartment, and he goes and does courses in the art that I practice? What if I then decide not to "get back together"?  I'd have wasted another chunk of his life.... Should I even be contemplating the complications that could arise?

To be honest, I don't want to cut him off completely, I wanted the separation to be gradual, leaving the door open to changes. I can't deny that I care for him... that's the problem.

Things are just so weird. I don't know what to think. Bf has been really nice and considerate, he's even suggested various things for my future, and every time he does I just want to cry.

The one thing that really surprised me today was that he took the first step in telling a friend of ours.

This, to me, means that he's accepting the situation to an extent. I know, because he told me today, that he still hopes things will work out between us in the future but at least he's not fighting it.

I'm scared, really scared, and I burst into tears at the thought of being alone. I am afraid of the void, I'm afraid of my future.
Everyone I've talked to about this has asked me what my plans are... I have no idea, I can't answer that now. I honestly don't want to hear the question again, but I know people will keep asking me.

I'm sad. It hurts like hell even if it's what I want.

How it went....

I have been in tears most of the day since lunch.
The conversation was painful. I knew it would be, but I was hoping he'd be cold and just accept the facts. It wasn't that simple.

First he tried to convince me to stay, asking me questions about why I would put 14 years on the line and why I wanted to leave. He can't understand. He will never understand. He asked me if he had asked me to marry him 4 years ago if I'd have accepted. He asked me if we got married now if it would make a difference.

He didn't get angry, ever. He says he understands, but then hints of frustration and anger shine through his otherwise perfect behavior, saying that I am selfish for not thinking of him.

I feel selfish. I feel terrible. He cried during a hug, but it was a glimpse of red and wet tears... a single tear perhaps was shed. I feel sorry that he can't express his pain better. Because I'm sure he is in pain.

Once he understood that I wasn't going to change my mind he said, "Ok, so how do we do this? We have so much stuff...".

I've moved into the guest room... He was going to, but I need it for my private lessons. So I've moved in here.

He is practical, but I also think that he is hoping I will change my mind. We organized (he suggested) to pay rent together until March, and whoever finds the apartment first will move first. If not we will both move out at the same time in March.

Other than the conversation, the tears and my move into the guest room, he has been acting normally. We have been talking about normal things. And it seems like nothing happened....

The whole situation is strange. Now, I just need to find the apartment.

I have to get an MRI done on my foot, I have to go see an orthopedic doctor on Friday. I may have a fibroma in my foot... I'm not sure what that means. But I guess I'll find out.

Done

I had the conversation. Now the next step.

Strong

I have been calm, with moments of despair, but this evening or tomorrow the conversation will take place. I am hoping for tonight as I want to get it over with.
I still don't know what I will say or how I will say it. I have never had an experience like this with the language, I do not know what is tactful. I trust that my English reasoning will work though.

I feel sad, I feel ok about it, I am scared shitless, but I will go through with it.

I have realized another thing, another reason to leave. Within this relationship I have lost my strength. He makes me weak. When we travel it is the opposite, I am strong and he is weak because of the language and my experience as a traveller.
I want to be strong again.

I have been insatiable these days, getting myself off three four times a day. I'm guessing it's the stress. I wish Rob were around, sometimes I get to thinking he is the only one who can... fill the need.

Change of email

Hello all,

Just letting you all know I've changed my email. You will find it on my profile page by clicking the email button.

Theories

I caught my neighbor on skype today, the one that surprised me with that sentence while my sister was here. I asked him why he said "when cande leaves you..." instead of "if". We ended up chatting on skype a minute but then I realized it would be better to talk in person so I went up to his apartment and we talked.

His basic answer was that he sensed something was up, he sensed it around the time I went to greece. We talked openly about relationships and he has a few interesting theories.
One is that the body protests with illness when we don't do what we really want. And he has been dropping hints since I've met him that all my health problems are due to my inability to "grow" or move forward.

He formed two circles with his fingers and demonstrated two entities, moving together, moving forward, until one feels that it should move faster and the other circle gets left behind. The two circles are somewhat flexible, as if they have an elastic between them, but eventually if the lagging circle can't move forward, then the other ends up getting caught and stagnating.
It's exactly how I've been feeling.

He sees me as inhibited. He didn't say it clear and simple but he let on that he thinks I need to move on.
I told him that changes were coming and without saying it up front, I let on that I would leave bf.

I spent an hour there and I gained further confirmation that I'm doing the right thing.

He even told me the exact moment he felt that something was up... right around the trip to Corfu. So I explained the corfu mess and, things started to tumble out, I told him how things went, almost completely honestly, telling him that nothing had happened. But I did explain what Co-worker told me at the airport.... that he was in love with his girlfriend that he didn't want anything to happen, but that if something did happen we're both adults and we're capable of dealing with it".
Guess what my neighbour said?.... he said that it was a "diplomatic/tactful" way of saying that he liked me! hah.... I guess that's the Italian male mentality for you... I would never have caught on. And I told my neighbour that. I told him that I'd interpreted it as more of a "don't jump on me I don't want anything to happen" type statement.

In any case he assured me that he'd keep his mouth shut... he may not. I don't really care, things are moving quickly for me, and my mind is made up at this point. One more person knows... and it's just my way of making things more solid. He said that if I needed anything to let him know. I now have one person I can lean on HERE.... I needed that.

I Hobbled back down the stairs and burst into tears when I closed the door behind me.

I was at the hospital waiting for my CAT scan results as I was writing this, I'm now at home. I haven't spoken to my doctor yet about the diagnosis, I won't be able to talk to her until Monday or Tuesday, but it seems that there is a fibroma in my foot. I don't know if that's what's causing me the apin, but we'll see. Today the pain is almost gone. It disappeared as quickly as it came. I unfortunately got the CAT scan done when my foot wasn't swollen or inflamed so now I have to figure out what the cause was.

What's important is that the pain is almost gone.

Sweet nap

I woke up this morning late, I managed to sleep in a little today, since I'm trying to rest my foot I haven't been going in to work as much as I normally do.
I was half sleeping, dreaming of Rob, I'd been thinking of him before going to sleep last night and woke up thinking about him. I was wet and all I wanted was for him to be there to watch me get off, maybe whisper something naughty into my headphones.
I texted Rob saying that I wanted help, I knew he was working though.
This afternoon I knew he was off work and decided to indulge myself in a little afternoon nap. I escaped the busy living room with family and I hid in the bedroom, stripped myself of my gym shorts, and my bra, and slid under the covers in just black panties and a white tank. I texted him that I was on and I waited. I knew it was unlikely that he'd join me, but I waited for an hour, teasing myself to pass the time, but eventually I couldn't resist.

Thoughts of him taking me from behind, head down on the bed, my wrists gripped firmly by his strong hands at my hips, making me utterly helpless, a feeling I love when I'm being fucked.
I imagined it slower than it actually went while in Nottingham. I imagined him slowly sliding in and back out, teasing me, not wanting to let me have his whole length. I would have to beg for it....
I came, needless to say... and then I fell asleep.

When I woke up the images were still in my mind. I wanted more, I was still dripping, so I turned to my phone. I pulled up some video on Youporn, something with a college girl blowing a college guy. The video was funny to begin with, it had humor to it. I giggled, then the fucking started, and she went down on him... his hands forcing her head down his shaft. Then him fucking her mouth, upside-down on the bed... I came again.

Doctors

I wish I could let out one of those blood curdling cries of frustration. I went to hospital this morning for my foot, yeah I still can't walk, and the doctor was pissed off because of another patient and he went and took it out on me and my foot. Not only did I have to deal with him, but also a disgruntled nurse who basically told me I was lying when I told her that people generally accepted my care card even if it needed renewing (my wallet had been stollen and the new one got lost).

Pricks... I sometimes wish I were in my native country, people jut try to act nicer in general.

The gaping hole in my chest slips between his fingers as my heart gushes with smoldering fantasies. My mind full of thoughts crowded, one on top of the other, silent to the outside world, heard only by me and that gushing hole left in my chest.
The air between us stings, sour with intentions, and meant to be's. I can almost taste his need for me, fleeting yet constant, like silk gliding over skin.
Trying to grip the substances, they elude him as he gropes for something he can't see.

Strange event, tears and Rob.

Strange event I just remembered:

So while my sister was visiting we went up to see my neighbour's apartment. He's OCD and has this amazing apartment that looks like it's out of an architects digest. It's very spartan. This is not the point.

While we were there we were sitting up in his attic chatting, he, my sis, bf and I. And he turns to Bf and says "when Cande leaves you,  you can come live here."
I laughed immediately... everyone did, but I stopped him and said "Hey! you said when, not if?"
And he just nodded and said "yeah, WHEN, not IF"

.... I mean what's up with that?!?

I haven't told anyone here about any of this. He shouldn't know. Maybe he just senses it.

Or maybe bf and he have talked.

__________________________________________________________

DAD
I talked to my dad today. I cried. I think it's because telling people that I'm going separate makes it more real, and it gives me the sensation that I can't go back on my words. I've told them that I want out and now if I don't get out they'll ask questions and I don't have answers to those questions.

This is the first time I've told anyone about breaking up, apart from the blog of course. Only one person is sad about it, the others are happy for me and think it's the right thing. My sister is the only one who expressed doubts. She likes bf. But to tell the truth if she knew what he thinks of her, she wouldn't like him as much.

ROB
I talked to Rob briefly yesterday. It was super short... ok... maybe not THAT short. It was a 30 minute call.
We just chatted about the break up, and my foot and lanolin.... yeah I was working with sheep's wool yesterday. Anyhow it was nice. When I don't see him for a long time, it's so nice to see and hear him. He was looking damn good too.
There are things I'm curious of. Things I wonder about him and his relationship. He rarely talks about it, unless I ask specific questions. I may have asked him before if he feels like he's in love with his gf. But I still wonder what level he is at with her.
I think he has kept on with me because I'm so different from his gf. Perhaps the artistic side of things, perhaps the fact that I validate or inspire his creative side at times.

He called me brave. Which I found sweet and made me emotional, but I didn't let on.

Nothing really sexual was exchanged, there was no time for it. Nonetheless yesterday, after that, I was horny as hell and got myself off three times.

Apartment

I was busy getting things ready for bf's mum and sister this morning, rolling around on my wheelie chair to keep off my swollen foot, when I decided to text my friend about her apartment to see if it was still free.

It's strange how we (or maybe just I) tend to picture things for the future. I was so sure about that apartment that I was already picturing myself in it working, making art, being up late on projects.

She's rented it.

Just another complication in a sea of difficulties.

Now I have to figure out how to search for an apartment (in a very small town) without bf finding out for the time being...

My morale is a bit down now. I was banking on that so much, I was sure it would be free. She said it would be free until Christmas.  *insert pouty face here*

I talked to my best friend yesterday who brought up different aspects of breaking up with bf, things to expect and things to think about. I was sort of feeling cold and distant from the problem to the point that I just wanted to get it over with, but now, when she tells me she just wants to hug me, I get tears in my eyes. I want to keep my distance. I don't want to feel emotional about this. I want to be able to be cool and calm and emotionally detached when I explain things to him, but at this rate, I won't be.

My best friend offered for me to stay in Canada where she is, take a 6 month sabbatical and just do art. It's so tempting.... The art community where she is is extremely supportive. I witnessed that when I went to visit her.

I could totally see myself living there and teaching art in one of the schools, teaching what I teach here even to adults. I could start importing materials. I'd miss the sea, the long summers, and I'd hate the long cold winters. It snows a lot there.

When I think about all that I want to cry. Tears well up and I wish I had her closer.

Enough of that....

I need to concentrate on now.