Confirmation

I'm home. I got home yesterday afternoon. It's my birthday today and things are good and strange but I don't really care.

The trip was amazing. I'm not surprised that it went really well. I came back a different person.

There are so many things to say and tell, yet I'm not sure how to go about doing it because I still feel like I'm in the middle of it.
Things don't just stop when I leave, there is residue and whiplash and all sorts of things. But I'm surprisingly calm this time. I was a wreck last time when I got back. This time I'm taking everything rather well.
I get the impression though that Rob isn't taking things quite as well as me and I think I know why but I'm not going into that right now.

We had amazing sex and the connection was really strong, stronger than last time I think, at least for me.

I think that emotionally I'm more stable this time because I know exactly how I feel now and why. I was however so anxious in the days before meeting up that I could barely eat or function. During our meeting I was anxious about what would happen after. But now that "after" has come I feel calm and accepting of everything.

I still have doubts and worries but I know that in any case I will be able to accept them since I have accepted my feelings for him.

I posted a while back that I was in love with him. And having admitted that to myself has only just simplified things for me. The trip amplified and confirmed those feelings. Most of my anxiety around him is gone thankfully because of it.

I fear though that he has had a hard time with our meeting in the days after and perhaps even during... he also confessed that he was feeling down in an email to me this morning. In my response to him I said that I thought I was feeling calmer because I had come to terms with my feelings around him. So in a certain sense I've admitted it to him. We've talked about it before and I'm pretty certain he already had his suspicions.

I'm concerned that my feelings will worry him more though and cause things to get disrupted. Thing is, I don't think it should change anything. I stated it in the "Heart Shaped Box" post mentioned above. I don't plan on demanding anything more from him than what I already have and what we've had in the past. If he wants to change things I think I can live with whatever change he needs. I don't want to lose him, but I also feel calm enough (now) to say that I want what's best for him and would hate to see him suffer because of me. He asked me if we could make this meeting the last one. I said that I couldn't answer yet. I haven't answered yet but I think I'll leave that decision up to him.

I will probably post a few things I wrote while in London. Experiences together and yes sex. I will take the time to write them up this weekend.

Leaving for London!!

I leave tomorrow morning early.

My stomach is doing summersaults and we don't meet up for another 6 days.

I need distractions to keep me sane.

I'll post when I can.

Late night whispers

As my departure gets closer I seem to get hornier. I'm not sure if it's just because I halved the fibro medication which was making me so utterly tired and so tired I wasn't able to get aroused, or if it's because I haven't had sex in... 2 and a half months... wow now that I actually keep track of this stuff it's kinda scary. Crap... gotta do something about that pronto.

In two days I've had 4 orgasms. Only one was egged on by Rob last night. We were both heading to bed, but in the end we ended up with video and whispers late at night in the semi-darkness. His voice filtering through my headphones. The words "Jesus... that body" just sent me over the edge along with all the promises of kisses, neck biting, spanking, sucking... god I could easily go again.

The lights were out, the light of the television illuminating me. His face was perfectly framed by the iphone screen. I positioned the phone on the foot stool in front of me and I pulled my t-shirt over my head, ran my hand down into my pants twisted my nipples with the other and he groaned. I barely show him anything anymore. He rarely asks to see anything. He enjoys it when I do though, I can tell by the groans. But I think that the comment mentioned above got me so worked up because it was so absolutely genuine. Even after so long it surprises me that he still appreciates me the way he always has and he's not afraid to express it. There is something absolutely delectable about hearing him whisper into my ears.

I could see the expressions on his face as my breathing got faster. Maybe he was getting himself off, I have my suspicions, I love it though, I love it when he tries to hide it somehow, or at least he doesn't want to be obvious about it. I get to watch the expression on his face as he tries to hold off, tries to distract himself. If I'm not mistaken he came with me.

My mind wanders just to him, to scenarios when we meet. Two whole nights together will seem like a lifetime I think. I'm sure our connection will grow, will get stronger, will bind us together. The idea of it getting stronger makes me feel strange. On one hand it's what I want, I crave the connection more than just about anything else, on the other hand it scares me knowing that things will never be final and I'll still have a hole a void that will never be filled.

Studio progress.

I have such a terrible flu. Ugh. I'm just glad it's now and not while I'm in London.

However despite the flu and the lack of energy to get worked up, I am happy and really excited about going, the anticipation is building and even rob and I have found each other online a little more than usual these days. k... well twice. Once I got off and yesterday he got off. It was short and sweet yesterday as bf was on his way home. I just watched and talked. He would threaten to put it away if I didn't talk. It's a good teaching method.... very effective I'd say seeing as I'm quite shy about talking. I do admit though that I sound sexier now with my husky cold voice. Heh.

I've also looked into studio spaces. Strangely I have two apartments on either side of where I live which are both free or freeing up. I've talked to one owner who is willing to rent it to me for a pretty low price but he wants to "share" it as an office space. It would be totally under the table and it would be economically convenient for me, but I wouldn't be able to use it as an apartment at all, just a studio, just for my lessons and a place to spend some time alone on art. I wouldn't be as artistically free as I'd like since he wants to keep it an office. So I could have a drawing table set up, but the "artistic stuff" would have to be hidden somewhere. And that's basically the same thing I do at home which kinda sucks. I need a place where I can just keep stuff out, not have to put it away each time. He would never use the place himself, he's been into the apartment twice in 4 years, since he bought it. So I don't have to worry about being walked in on, but there is the fact that he'd be keeping his stuff in there.

The other apartment was a better alternative, it had a better set up for art in general, meaning tile floors in the front room, the other apt has wood flooring throughout. Whatever... it's out of the question now anyhow, as I was writing this the landlord let me know that it wouldn't be possible to rent it under the table.

I guess I'll talk to the other guy again and see what he says. It might be worth it just cause it's so cheap.

hmmmm things to think about.

My upstairs neighbour's sister died last night. It shouldn't influence me, I barely knew her, but it still gets to me. I have been hearing about her progress with her cancer for months. Cancer has been way too close to my family with my mother and aunt passing away young. And I've known too many people affected by it in some way or other. It hits close and shakes me a little when someone I know is going through what I've been through.