Awakenings

I'm not entirely conscious when I feel your fingers graze my pussy. A light touch over my clit, just enough pressure to send shivers down my legs, to ease me into consciousness and to make me stretch, open my legs and raise my hands over my head. You have filled me before, and you fill me again with your finger, taking up rhythm while your other hand takes hold of both of mine. Holding hands like children on the school ground. Your head leaning on your arm, watching me, following my eyes, interested in my reactions as I savour every sensation.

You work me until I'm almost ready, starting with one, easing a second one, I'm ready for a third but you stop.  Your hand moves to my mouth, shoving them in, I can taste myself on your fingers. The mix of different salts, my body and yours, dissected by my brain analyzing who is who. Your fingers dive in deep, the other hand tightens it's grip on my wrists as you sit up next to me.

No words, nothing is said. Your hand moves swiftly to my throat, my jaw, my hands held tight against my pillow, and your cock glides easily into my mouth. I can feel your pulse, I can feel you fill my passage, I can't breathe, but I don't need to, you are my air today. My brain recognizes this flavor as you and I want all of you, as deep as you can go. You move to a rhythm that I can hear in my mind, moving in and then pulling out, moving deeper and pulling out. Deeper and longer, letting me catch my breath, then deeper again.

I can feel you're ready, your hand shifts unconsciously to the back of my head and you force me down hard. I can feel you cum, hot, down the back of my throat, and you release me. You are not done though, there's more, on my lips, down my chin, over my cheeks. I am drenched.

Bf's Fb Rant (gotta love those acronyms I have)

I'm tired. No, exhausted

My blood pressure is at 96/58. When I got out of bed this morning I almost passed out. 96/58 was after lunch and after a cup of black tea.

I had a long involved relatively calm conversation with bf yesterday. I could be emotionally and mentally worn out I suppose. The conversation was relatively one sided for the first half while bf more or less went off on the facebook subject. He thinks I'm addicted and losing sight of reality. Fact is fb is my cover. I keep it up so that if I'm writing my blog entry or browsing blogs or my stat counter he can't see those. I've started keeping my headphones on and youtube up now too but he concentrates on fb.

The stupid television talks about fb addictions. What I tried to explain to him is that I go through periods when I'm not feeling social, when I'd rather not do things with other people, when I just want to climb into my shell and be a hermit crab. He doesn't understand that. He's an extremely social person and would love to have people in the house 24/7. I like being social, but I LOVE my space. I love spending time on my own, listening to music, hanging out on the internet, painting, reading a book, drawing or playing stupid video games. There are moments when I can't stand being in the house and other times when I can't stand being with people.

He went off on tangents about what fb is and what it does to you and well, fact is that he doesn't have a fb page and has no idea how it works. I patiently listened to him, told him that certain things that he'd said were right while others were wrong and I proceeded to show him my fb profile and whatever else was on the wall.

The point though is that he sees things from the wrong angle. He sees me engrossed in fb thinking that it's the fb that's keeping me there, rather than think that there's something wrong at home that pushes me to isolate myself.

I sort of told him that. I told him that he was looking at it from the wrong angle. I think, though, that I will try to explain that better to him.

I keep cycling through the same motions and thoughts and feelings. I don't see any solutions other than getting my own place. I can't keep cycling through like this. I need a solution. I need that push though to do it. Take the step, the leap of faith... get the courage or whatever other cliche you want to use. It's too bad bf isn't in favour of me getting my own place. He'd be the perfect motivator. He's good at convincing me to do things.

Angry and frustrated and Ugh... when will I stop complaining?

There are days where I have a million and one doubts about my relationship with rob.
Fact is that when I'm with him those doubts vanish. It's just anxious insecurities. But they are there, and since he doesn't talk much and because I'm not with him they heighten. They vanish when I can see his face, his eyes... they dissipate. His actions speak a world of information, but without that my anxieties take over much too easily.

The last time we hooked up online he kept telling me how beautiful I was, how radiant. It made me blush. I need to keep moments like that in mind when my insecurities take over. But it's really hard... really, really hard for me to do that while I feel like I'm being avoided (even though my logical mind and even facts tell me it's (probably) not the case.... see my mind what it does?! It puts doubts where there shouldn't be any).

I am in a constant state of anxiety these days. Today is one of those days where I feel really determined to get out of my situation with bf. I actually get angry and motivated. The anger pushes me in directions. The thoughts never really leave my mind ever, they just become more subdued when I'm not angry or anxious.

Right now though, my anxiety and anger are both high and I just don't want to have anything to do with living with someone, or have anything to do with men in general for that matter. I just feel like running around like a mad woman screaming her head off... I guess I'm also frustrated.

Happenings and my brain:

-I've done more on my bubble painting.
-I've been on chatroulette
-A few days ago I met a cute guy (on chatroulette) in the process of direly trying to distract myself from going insane.
-We played games. Like I used to do. It was fun. We laughed a lot.
-My fucked up mind won't shut off.
-I regret not sleeping with Co-worker.
-I think about that more often than I should.
-I contemplate cutting internet off my phone on occasion.
-I feel like I'm going to lose it completely at times.

on a side note:

Two of the blogs I was following have shut down. I've taken them off my reading list. I don't have much left of the blog circle that I had when I started this blog. I'm used to that, things change quickly here and well, I guess I just need to let go and maybe find a new circle.... or let them find me.

Melancholia

It's strange how it seeps in. You don't expect it really. It just sort of makes its way into being, kind of like a sponge soaking up ink. The bubbles and holes slowly filling with that creeping insidious blackness.
Sometimes it's a song that triggers it. Sometimes it's just a blank page. Sometimes it's a voice or a lack thereof. Often it's a dangerous cocktail.
The soul then indulges, it delves deeper, soaking it up faster. A soul greedy for melancholy, feeding itself like a hot ember igniting with a light breeze.

Unfinished Insidious Bubbles.

I've been hiding in my art these days. Melancholia is prolific. I've painted three paintings and I'm working on another inspired by this post (pictured above). They are relatively large watercolours.

All I want to do is paint these days. I have ideas... lots of ideas, and to think that I didn't have any at all when I did my first painting. They came rushing at me like a tsunami in full force. The bubbles are possibly going to be a series... I want to play with different combinations of colours and textures, inside and outside of the bubbles. It's funny too, the bubbles painting came after I had started this post. I had a clear image in my head of that sponge sopping up ink and I went to look for an image on google, but didn't find one. It became a necessity to create that image. I quite like it as it is now, but I'm going to give some of the bubbles some texture, maybe even some colour.

Weaving dreams and weight issues?

I am in a weird headspace. It started after my nap today.
Maybe I'm just tired... I'm probably just tired. I went on a massive tour, taking some friends of mine who were here for the day yesterday, to every major monument in my home town in the morning then a 2 hour drive to one of the most famous cities in the world until 10pm and didn't get home until 1 am when I had a shower, said my goodbyes and then collapsed on my bed just to get up at 7 am to go to work.

I worked all morning and then had a 2 hour lesson this afternoon flopped back onto the bed in the scorching heat and fell asleep. I woke up sweaty and hot, horny, wanting cock in my mouth, not anyone's cock, no, just Rob's cock. I wearily got my phone and looked up blowjobs on youporn and promptly got myself off in a half slumber.

The weird thing is that my dreams were layered. They often are. My dreams don't seem to be linear. They layer one thing upon another. My brain seems to be computing more than one thing at once. So my thoughts of Rob and his cock were overlapped with thoughts of artwork, artspace, a studio, practical things.... both sets of images running through my mind at the same time, weaving in and out of each other.

Often I can distinguish a solid train of thought, other times they get terribly confused and interwoven.

As much as I'd like to complain about how much I miss Rob I think I'll stay off that topic. It does contribute to my mood though. This weekend is going to be rough. I think I'll just try to get to the beach as much as possible... just to keep my mind off things. Take my book, sunscreen, beach towel, get on the bus, make eye contact with cute guys at the beach and flirt a little.

I think another part of my mood is based on the strange fact that I've actually gained weight.

I'm thin, I've always been thin. The heaviest I've been is 110 pounds when I was 16. For the past 14 years I've been under 106lbs and while that my seem like an anorexic weight, it's my natural balance.
Three weeks ago I went to put on a pair of trousers that I wore easily last year. When I tried them on, I fit into them but they were slightly tight in the hips. Yesterday I tried on the same pair (only three weeks later) and I couldn't get them on. People have told me that I look like I've gained a little weight and that usually makes me happy, but when I can't wear the clothes I've always worn it frustrates me.

I decided to weigh myself and sure enough I've gained a fair amount of weight for someone who rarely puts on or loses more than 2 pounds in a year. I now weigh 112 lbs. Ok, so that seems like nothing to most people and they are probably right, but when a person my size puts on 6 lbs and can't fit into their jeans it feels like a lot. I guess it is a lot if you think of it in terms of percentage compared to average body weight (don't ask me to do the math on that though... ).

So while I'm somewhat happy to have gained a little weight, I'm also a little worried that I'm going to continue to gain. I get the feeling it has something to do with my new meds so I may have to return to the specialist to see what he says.

My body type is generally lean and relatively thin, I highly doubt my body structure would be able to handle gaining much weight without complications. I'm already having circulation problems that I've rarely had in the past, like my feet, legs and hands swelling in the heat.

Who knows though. Maybe I'm just changing.... maybe it's just my age...

Internet Hibernation and Delectable Stories.

I've been terrible with internet lately...  I haven't been on much at all. I'm reading a pretty decent book. I can't say it's quite literature but it's an easy summer read. I'm reading Under the Dome by Stephen King. I have read a few of his things and I've almost always liked them, but my favourite book of his is the Four Seasons with the 'Shawshank Redemption' story and the 'Stand by Me' story.

I'll be heading on holiday for part of August. The summer seems to be just slipping by so fast. There are things that I'd like to get done for September but we're almost in August and I still haven't gotten them done... It's been so hot here that I've been hiding from the heat, and in the meantime I've missed summer.

I've only been to the beach once since summer started, yeah my tan is coming along anyhow because I ride my bike to work and never use any sunscreen for the 10 minute ride...

Rob
I haven't been in touch with almost anyone online in these past few weeks, even Rob. It feels like weeks since I saw him... I think it was actually just over a week ago that I saw him for a late night 'session' as he calls it.
I went through my diary yesterday, I read everything there and I almost burst into tears at certain parts. There are things that will be etched onto my brain forever. It was one of those mushy emotional moments us women have, where I was reading, almost in tears and then giggling with tears in my eyes over the funny things.
It was nice. It made me miss him even more and quite seriously it made me contemplate going to see him asap. But I can't, it's too soon and well... bf would get suspicious. Even thinking about it now makes me want to check flight prices, and think... maybe I could invent some trip to france and then take a train to the UK.... that would fool the bf... maybe....

The Italian
I have, just in the past few days, got back in touch with the Italian. He sent me an absolutely delectable story, he has sent me two parts so far. It's written in wonderful Italian and it was so beautiful and sensual that I will need to re-read it. I'm not a huge fan of reading in Italian but this made me love every word and I want to dissect it to understand and capture every subtlety, which there are many.

We caught up for a bit on Skype. It was nice to catch up, just to chat and it is true that there is a certain nonchalance with him. We are comfortable just chatting to each other about whatever. He worries me though sometimes. He rarely has enough work, he's constantly strapped for cash, he's got way too many problems at home (we rarely talk about those they seem to be too complicated and stressful to bring up), and he now seems to have some health issues that worry him and now me. I told him to get to a doctor the next time he had a chance... but who knows when that will be. He's lost a lot of weight since I first met him, which was probably 2 or maybe 3 years ago now... so I continue to worry.

The only reason that he managed to reach me in my internet hibernation period is because he contacts me through an old Youtube account I have... strangely... I'm not even sure how that happened. But the emails come to my regular mail for that and not my "second life" email account.

While I'm on holiday I will probably not be posting unless I manage to get some scheduled posts up... I can try... maybe I can write something.... maybe I could translate the Italian story if he agrees that I translate it. We'll see... I have a few ideas. No promising anything though as my week is hectic.

I Dream of Transexuals?

I've been having weird dreams lately... ok so I always have weird dreams.

Night before last was sex with a transexual. Is that the PC term for a guy with a boob job? She was beautiful, but she had a penis and yes we had sex. I'm not sure where it came from but it didn't and doesn't bother me one bit. I admit that it's odd, especially because I'm not attracted to transexuals, but I was neither put off by the dream nor turned on by it... it just happened.

Last night's dream was more symbolic and has quite a bit of emotional weight. I was organizing a secret week-long vacation with Co-Worker. When the importance of what I was doing hit me I decided that I needed to move out of the apartment with bf so I started packing all of my things. I think that Co-W persuaded me to do it, yet he was not doing the same himself.

In real life:
I needed to talk to Co-W the other day while he was in our little bathroom/supply room at work so I popped my head in and then slid in beside the door. I realized immediately how easy it would be to close the door and walk over to him and do something. My clit tingled a little to let me know it was there but I kept my concentration on work, the conversation ended and I was out again.

My thoughts wander there in the evening before I fall asleep though. I can't help it.

I have been a good girl these days, although I've been busy. I've had only brief emails with Rob and we haven't had time to meet up this week. I'm not sure next will be any easier but I do miss him and I think of him constantly. I check my emails a few times a day to see if he's written me anything... it's like the mail and waiting for the mailman to ring the bell, it's anticipation. It's Thursday today I doubt I'll hear from him before Monday next week. But I do have hopes....

Love and Anger

So today I talked to a Tibetan Buddhist monk. It was the most enlightening thing that has happened to me in the last 6 months... probably since the documentary on the Muoso women. 

The topics were simple. The first was on anger and how they control their anger. The second was about love. Luckily a friend of mine had her camera ready and she got it on video because I want to remember the precise words that he used. 

The part on anger was interesting and is something people need to learn I think. The example given was if I hit you with a stick you will get angry with me but you don't get angry at the stick. This is because the stick has no will of its own. Anger pushes me to hit you with a stick so you should get angry at my anger, not at me. When angry I have no will of my own, like the stick. And once you have realized that it is just an emotion that has caused your anger, it makes no logical sense to be angry at anger. We need to learn to let go of our anger, wait before it pulls and pushes us around. We need to be strong and wait during those moments when anger is in full force within us. 

The second topic of love. True love means loving everyone and being compassionate with everyone. What we perceive as love, that connection between partners who are in a relationship, is pure selfishness. Reality is that we want something beautiful for ourselves. Beauty and possessions are not eternal so when beauty deteriorates or when the money finishes we move on and want more, perhaps if we can't find them we get depressed. 

It all made perfect sense to me. But what does it all mean to me in my life?

I guess I will try to love everyone equally. I hope I will be able to see anger as he described it and perhaps with some practice I'll be able to get my negative emotions under some control. I am naturally cynical though. When I hear these explanations it feels like I see a glimpse of reality (the little lightbulb goes on), but then the sensation is lost and I'm back to being cynical (like now, re-reading my post).

As for the love discussion, I do believe that this could very well be true. What does that change though? Am I ready to sacrifice my selfishness for a higher enlightenment? I'm not sure I am. I want, I want, I want, I want. But it does, if you think about it, tie into why I feel like I'm not cut out to be in any relationship. It ties into the fact that I don't think I could be truly happy in a relationship and that I constantly feel something missing. So maybe it does make sense.... but how do I turn around and use that information without giving up the person I want? heh funny question.... I am selfish. I have always admitted that to myself and to others... especially here on this blog. I will never get tired of saying it either. I just never realized that it could be/is my selfishness to create the "void" I have. Definitely food for thought.

What's on my Nerves?

People are weird. That's something I repeat often. I don't know how else to see things these days.

Remember the suicide freak out I had with that guy's blog? Well after the scare was over I decided to let him know subtly through FB that I was reading it by liking the post where he publicly mentioned he was writing there again. (I think he forgot I had the address, and no-one else he knows has it as far as I can tell).

After a while he came out with a post asking a question on his future and what to do. I wrote a simple three or four worded answer.

A few days later I noticed an answer, an affirmative one, acknowledging the answer as correct. But then after a few more days the blog disappeared. Actually it got converted for some more fluff stuff of his. I felt kind of ridiculous. I felt rather embarrassed. What's done is done though.

He hasn't blocked me from FB he has two accounts on there and they are both still active and I'm still receiving info on them both.

I'm not really sure what to think, but I try not to think about it.

__________________________________________

BF

Today was a normal day. bf and I were on good terms until this afternoon. I probably exaggerated with a comment to him, it was meant as a joke but he took it a little too seriously. Then he went and said a couple phrases that just pissed me off. They were (in my opinion) unreasonably harsh, ok so maybe they weren't harsh but they were mildly insulting and said with such a mean tone that something in me just snapped.  I avoided saying any more right then apart from mumbling to myself. 

I know this state, it's not going to go away. I'm going to end up giving him the cold shoulder for the next while until he asks me what's wrong. 

Even now I barely remember what he said to me.... the only sentence I remember was a sort of idiomatic phrase which alluded to me being an idiot. My remembering his words would be crucial in explaining things later.

The conversation is always the same when we do discuss these situations. He'll say that he was just responding to what I had said, defending himself, I'll say that he exaggerated. He'll say that I was already stressed so I took it harder than I should have. But the subtle insults that were uttered wouldn't have gone unnoticed even had I been in a good mood... which I happened to be. 

It's annoying how much it affects me. I wish I could just ignore it, move past it, forgive and forget. It just doesn't work with me though, my mind just keeps ruminating I guess. 

____________________________________________

Co-W

I had to text him last night around 11:30pm to ask him something about work. He made a joke about something one of the women we worked with had said and answered my question. The conversation lasted a few passages, including one where he asked me what I was up to. 

The texts were long and relatively elaborate. It was the first "social" interaction we've had outside work. He was not with his girlfriend, he was working late on a project. 

His texts were extremely friendly but nothing I'd call flirty. Nothing like our last interaction via txt. But it struck me as odd considering when I usually text him he is very brief in his answers, if he answers (because often he doesn't) and rarely asks about me or chats. 

It was somewhat a relief, it proves that he still considers me at least a friend.

I have been feeling quite frustrated lately because I find it difficult to maintain friendships with men. I have always been the type of woman who prefers men to women for friends. And lately I can't seem to do that. Bf seems to get irked if I talk about guys that I get along with. 

One more reason to get more space.

Skype Induced Silence: SIS (I think I'll make this an official term!)

Rob
When I get to spend time with him on Skype the emotions well up inside me to the point of almost overflowing. They leak into the days that follow. Snippets of conversation or memories of looks that creep into my thoughts randomly. Thoughts of seeing him again  in person make my stomach jump into my throat.

Last night we spent a while together getting off. It was a slow build up, I was in my pjs it was late and bf was sleeping. It's so hot I don't wear much to bed, just a pair of skimpy cotton shorts and a tank top.

The things he usually says make me wet, they make me cum, but last night he said a series of things that just made me blush. He was absolutely sweet and wonderful, paying me all sorts of compliments. It's not usual for him. I guess it makes me appreciate it even more when it's uncommon. I'm better at taking compliments than I used to be, I said thank you and that it was very sweet, and I also told him that it was making me blush. I blush fairly easily, but compliments are probably the fastest way to make me blush. Oh and yes, he did make me cum too... those words came later.

I have to restrain from sending all sorts of mushy emails the day after a meeting like this. There's a definite pattern to the recent months. It generally consists of one or two skype events. The first, if there is one, is a chat just to see how things are. Then there is the event where we get off, it could be one, the other, or both of us. Then there's silence, almost total silence until early the next week, somewhere between Monday afternoon and Tuesday. That's when the emails or texts start.

I think he needs to get away from me after the meeting though. That's why there's the silence after.
I don't mind, I just crave him constantly. The craving is constantly strong too. There are times when I am busy and can manage to keep him off my mind, but when I'm not busy he's in the forefront. After a meeting the craving is a bit stronger than usual. It's not a craving for him to get me off either, it's an emotional craving, it's a craving of some kind of confirmation I think. Maybe a confirmation of what he feels for me.... I know what he feels, he's told me.... but I guess I feel a necessity for my own feelings to be mirrored by his. Sometimes I send him an email in that period, but I rarely get the response I expect or want.

I wonder if the silence for him, apart from the weekend when he is always quiet, is possibly a way to balance things. It would be understandable. It's like after we met up, he needed to "come down from a high" (his words). Like I said, I don't mind. I just like to get my head around things.

He jokingly, lovingly, calls me messed up in the head. I am. I over-think things... it's just the way I am. I know that it can sometimes screw things up and I try to avoid that kind of over-thinking. Somehow this type of over-thinking helps me understand things.... That's ok right? heh

Chatroulette and Mutual Electricity

I've been hiding at home taking time to paint. It's been super hot here and it's barely possible to get outside even to get to the beach I have nearby.

I have been so horny lately. I know it's the heat, but I've been getting myself off like crazy these days.

I have to sadly admit that I've been bad. I went onto chatroulette the other day. They've really improved it. You can now choose whether you want to receive "adult content" or not. You can also choose whether you want people without cams on your stream.

Apart from that it's still got the same amount of cock vs face shots although admittedly there is less spam. Fact is there are good moments and bad moments. I had a few good encounters in a short time and a series of terrible encounters in a 3 hour span.

It can also be a little scary. I met a couple who wanted to play. They were cute and we used the IM to chat a little first, I asked them to wave and they held up 2 fingers and asked me to do the same... But after a while I freaked out and nexted them. I couldn't help but think that there might be technology that allows you to run a seamless video where you can type in a command and have segments insert into the stream.
I've seen it before, I doubt though that this couple was a video now that I think back on it, but their video was so choppy and snippets seemed identical so I freaked and nexted.

I think I'm done with it. It was interesting to try again... but it is, in the end, a huge waste of time.

______________________________________

Have you ever noticed that "electricity" in the air when something is "up" between you and another person?

It can be with your partner or on occasion with a friend or even a co-worker. For me it's almost a burning sensation, often if we're touching it starts from where our skin meets and it runs up my body as if I were blushing. It could be about anything. It's this silent, invisible electricity surrounding something unsaid. It's like all the hairs on your body stand on end. I get it on occasion with the bf. It's generally around something we see on television or something someone says. 

The other evening it happened twice while the bf and I were watching tv. Once during a commercial about having kids. The other was a scene with two guys kissing.

Now I totally understand where the electricity came from with the "kid/family" scene, we've had this issue around that subject for a while. But I don't understand where the tension came from around the gay kiss. I wonder if it was coming from me or from him. I have often wondered whether the bf was at least bi curious.