Physiotherapist

I was told to do physio for my wrist. Lucky for me the physiotherapist is this young and very handsom guy of 28. Even though he's 10 years younger than me I can't help thinking he occasionally flirts with me. It's hard to tell though. He's extremely quiet and rather shy. 

I've had a hard time relating anything sexual to my physiotherapy apart from him acting as eye candy because the therapy has me in tears almost every session. 

The first day I went in he said that he thought we could get through the pain and regain movement without surgery. On day three an intern came in and took a look at my file and we were all dubious about how I should proceed. They both suggested I go to a specialist at the hand surgery clinic in another city.

Today he started a phrase with "I thought of you last night..." And me, slightly surprised said "Oh, really?" I was a little disappointed when he said that he thought I should avoid sugery at all costs. I was half expecting him to just leave me hanging.... Leave me wondering what he'd been thinking about me... at night.

He also mentioned reading some stuff about my country of origin. It was mildly flattering. Sometimes I'll catch him stealing peeks at me while he thinks I'm not looking. We both keep our heads down while he flexes my wrist but still I catch glimpses out of the corner of my eye. 

As for my wrist I'm not sure how I'm doing. It's very hard to gage. I have some bad days and some good ones. After physio everything hurts and swells. But then I have more range of movement in my wrist. The morning I'm stiff as hell and everything is in agony, not to mention the swelling pulsing and aching at night. I was up at 4:30 am today from the pain. 

I'm reserving the possibility of getting myself off to thoughts of him taking me on the massage table. It's a fantasy that I'll make use of at some point I'm sure. 

Health Rambling Again. Apologies.

I had a mild panic attack yesterday. I'm guessing it was brought on by the fact that a woman came to take an art course at the school where I teach and she asked about my brace. Turns out she had fallen twice and was operated on, her hands and elbows. All sorts of damage. When I asked her about her hand injuries she basically described what I have, or may have (I go to see the doctor tomorrow). 

The ligaments in her hands were hyperextended. 

I know I have a torn ligament and often with these injuries hyperextended ligaments is the most common damage. She could barely hold the tools we use and her right hand had a bad shake. 

I'm terrified. There is a high level of detail I do in my work, with all of the art I do. I can't fathom losing the dexterity in my right hand. 

I am frustrated with the system here because if I want to use the healthcare system I need to wait over a month for an appointment with a specialist. The laws are that if it's 'urgent' they are supposed to guarantee an appointment within 7 days... But they can't keep up with the demand. So I have to pay for a specialist, which leaves me trying to find one that is good and available relatively soon. Plus it's expensive. 

Scared

I finally got my MRI done. I got the results and things aren't looking great. Oddly, I've got what I had initially diagnosed myself with. When I first heard the sounds my wrist was making I thought I had something called a TFCC injury. It involves damaged ligaments and cartilage of the wrist. 

When I got the second set of x-rays they found a pit on my pisiform bone and so I though that it was a fracture. 

After the MRI, it turns out that I was right. But I almost wish it were a fracture. This type of injury is not easy to fix and it likely needs surgery. 

I'm trying to stay positive. This kind of surgery is done with little incisions and cameras. It's not hugely invasive. But I don't think you can regain 100% of the hand strength. From what I have now it feels like an impossible jump. 

This sucks 

Narcissism

Today I had a lesson with a student who has been coming for years now. He's a psychoanalyst. He'll be teaching sex ed to a group of middle school students in the next month. Here, where I live, they don't have sex ed as part of the program. This is a one-off thing that he got called to do. The parents of these students actually had to request it. On a side note, I find this entirely ridiculous. It should be part of the program. 

This morning we started talking about selfies and yes, it's all related, let me explain. 

So, in his opinion, selfies are something we do because we see ourselves seeing ourselves. It's not just a simple factor of seeing a picture of ourselves to try to understand how someone sees us from the outside. He believes it mimics motherly love. 

When a mother looks at her baby, there is a period in the baby's life when it can see its reflection in her eyes, he/she sees the affection the mother has for him/her. A selfie replaces that figure. We see ourselves looking lovingly at ourselves. 

This also means, that there's no distance between the viewer and the viewee which, is one and the same. 

What this does is it generates narcissism, we become self involved and lose connection with others. This bleeds over into sex. Nowadays we're all using the web for personal pleasure, porn is available all too easily. In the past magazines were used. Magazines left things to the imagination, it left the possibility of connection. Videos don't. There's no connection between participants in the video nor between the viewer and the video. And the viewer has no need to use imagination. 

In real life this leaves people feeling like the only thing that satisfies them is themselves. It is a completely introverted and narcissistic behaviour that doesn't allow for a partner. The partner could never, and will never reach that same level. She/he could never compete with self satisfaction and the ideals of porn.

It was an interesting topic. Something I've thought about quite a lot and it was cool to be able to talk to someone who 'gets it' and who has professional insight. 

Rampant Incompetence

So remember that wrist story? I fell at Christmas and a month later went to hospital, well that was a month ago now and I've still got a brace on. I had to go back to the hospital last week to get more x-rays, they found a small irregularity that could be a fracture but they won't know until I get an MRI. The whole situation was a pain in the ass because one of the doctors yelled at me and made fun of me in front of other doctors or nurses, which was rather humiliating. He yelled that I had just been at the hospital not 10 days before, that I was fine and there was absolutely nothing wrong with my wrist... And this was after the x-rays. 

It was such a frustrating experience that I burst into tears right there. Plus I was already frustrated with the bf because he came with me to the hospital and then got angry at me for wanting to go through with the ER doctors that evening, even if it was my GP who sent me. He then refused to come in to see the doctor with me. I was so angry when I left, with both the doctor for yelling and humiliating me, and at the bf for not putting aside his fucking pride to come in with me. I'm sure I'd have avoided the situation or it would have been more manageable. 

I'm pretty sure my wrist is fractured, and I have a feeling it's fractured in a couple places. On the 10th of March I have the MRI and then I'll have to wait for the results for a week. Then I'll have another appointment with an orthopaedic doctor. So it will be a slow process. 

Meanwhile I sent a letter to the hospital about the jerk at the ER. 

The healthcare system here can be good but it can also be a nightmare. Not only did I get the jerk at the ER that evening, I also got an incompetent woman take the orthopaedic appointment. She put it in February instead of March. I was lucky that someone from the hospital called me asking to move my appointment to an earlier time that day and she caught he mistake, otherwise I'd have had to pay for the missed appointment plus I wouldn't have been able to see a doctor after the MRI. I'd have had to wait another month. 

It all makes me so angry. Grr. 

Not only that but I've had no real help regarding my wrist. The first doctor I saw said it was a sprain, the second said I had nothing. The only one who confirmed anything was a radiologist...

I've still got the brace on and it still hurts when I move it in certain directions. 

I'm worried about work, I've got a group of 5 students in mid April, that are coming for a specialized course that is MY specialization and without my right hand I can't teach it.