Diary

Forgetting

2012-01-27T08:51:00.001+01:00

I don't actually remember the last time I french kissed the bf.

He tried to seduce me this morning. I was getting up for work at 7:30am.
It kinda annoyed me, I'm home every morning, I get up late, on every other morning and he chooses the morning I get up at 7:30?

Ugh....

New student

2012-01-24T12:01:00.000+01:00

I have a new student. He's in his 20s and he's kinda cute. Tall, blond, blue eyes, not the typical Italian. I had a dream about him already. He's been coming for lessons for a two weeks now, but he does three lessons of an hour and a half each. That's 4.5 hours of seeing this guy a week.
The dream was not exactly erotic, but it was close. It was foreplay and cheating. I was in my study/spare bedroom with him, where I normally teach, there's a bed in there of course for guests and we were on the bed cuddling. He had a winter hat on, who knows why... maybe because he's balding slightly and it was my unconscious way of not accepting him as balding at 25. Anyhow we didn't do anything sexual that I can remember, but I think there was some undressing. That was until bf came home in the dream and we got back to the lesson.
The teacher student scenario turns me on like crazy and I had a hard time keeping myself calm during the lesson. Plus yesterday I did a little sexting with Rob and I still haven't gotten off from that.

Just the thought of anything with a student, especially one like this guy just drives me crazy. Bf would never walk in, it would be sooo hot to play.....
better not think about that....

Ramblings

2012-01-18T12:16:00.000+01:00

I have not forgotten my Blogger account. Although I have been rather lazy and perhaps even a little reluctant to get back to Blogger.

I have been hibernating basically. Even from Internet a little. I've been on my usual normal life social network but apart from that I haven't been using internet much at all.

I have gotten addicted to a TV series my father got me for christmas. It's a Danish series called "The killing" and it is good. Along with that I've been streaming the BBC Sherlock series as well, an EXCELLENT series that you should watch if you haven't seen it yet.

What's new?.... Hm Nothing really. I've been fighting a really bad cold and what might be turning into sinus infection for the past week. I've been working privately, so not with Co-worker.

As Rob often asks, "how's your brain?" My brain is fine, nothing really going on with my brain at the moment, I'm not over-thinking things which is good. I haven't had contact with the people that get my brain in a whirr lately.

Speaking of Rob we met up online the other day and had a lovely 1 hour conversation. Just chit chat. It was nice. Really nice. It was the type of conversation that keeps me smiling when I think back on it. He's going on holiday in Feb and I've been lazy about booking my ticket to the UK but that is my plan for spring. I just haven't figured out when yet.

There are things going on with work that make it difficult to plan for spring, and there's the fact that my neighbours are tentatively planning on moving out into a new place in March. I think I mentioned it before. I want to rent their place, make it into a private lesson studio and art studio. If I can get extra students teach groups it would pay for itself. If not I could rent it out on occasion to tourists who come in spring and summer. I'm rather excited about the idea. I just hope it works out.

I haven't heard a word from Co-worker. I sent him a Merry Christmas text and a Happy New Year's text, neither of which he responded to. I guess he's just decided to cut all electronic ties with me. He used to show up on my gmail chat, but he doesn't anymore. He's never on facebook anymore either. So bleh.... whatever.

What else has been going on? Hm well my health hasn't been that great recently. Between this horrible cold and my kidneys with probable stones, I've lost some weight (which is never good for me).
I went to my doctor asking to go back to see a Rheumatologist about the Fibromyalgia diagnosis from all those years ago. She basically advised me not to go but gave me the request anyhow. So I'll book it.
I just want to understand a little more about it. My father thinks that if I think about it and worry about it it'll make things worse, that it'll become psychosomatic. He's probably right, but I do want to get another opinion in any case.
Problem is that I've found connections to kidneys on the fibro symptoms lists and I'd like to get some confirmation.... maybe I'm being a bit hypochondriac about all of this.... but I hate being ill all the time.

Men: I suggest you stop reading here. TMI WARNING

The last little bit of weird trivia about me is that I've started trying a Mooncup.
I was super gung-ho about it when I first started trying it. But at the moment I'm a little miffed. I can't get it to work, it leaks constantly. I have an inverted uterus and I'm wondering if that's the problem or whether it's because the pharmacy gave me the wrong size. They gave me the small rather than the larger I guess. I haven't had children and I'm only 33 so I figured it would work just the same. I tried it for three days but alas I haven't found a position yet. I've had some unfortunate accidents, some that made me laugh and some that made me cringe in pain. But generally the experience has been neutral. I'm neither hating it nor really liking it. I will try it more... If it didn't leak I'd be really pleased... and use it tons. I'd love to save money on "feminine products"... and even do my part for the environment. I just wish I could get the thing to work.... anyone around use it? any suggestions?

A new friend

2012-01-02T13:27:00.001+01:00

So bf has a new friend. He doesn't live in the same town as us but he comes to visit relatively often. He has a girlfriend and they've been together for about a year and a half. Oh and he's cute and... well, kinda flirty.

Just before New Year's the new friend and his gf stopped in for an afternoon and we got to talking. At one point his cell phone started ringing and he just looks at it then looks at his gf and says "its the crazy woman.", doesn't answer and proceeds to explain that he met this girl over the phone at work a while ago, and she started sending him pictures. (yeah right.... I know what's going on) Granted he wasn't in a relationship with his gf at the time of meeting this "phone woman" but he still receives pictures from her by email. And yes they are picture of her posing in all sorts of positions and clothes.

The point of this story is that I ended up defending him on why there were pictures of her on his computer still. He started explaining to his gf that when she sends him pictures he deletes the emails directly. But sometimes if he opens them the pictures get downloaded automatically.

He kept looking at me for confirmation, saying "Right? Right? you know what I mean" and I kept nodding and saying, "oh yeah, it depends on the format and email program...but yeah that can happen." And since neither bf nor this guy's gf know much about computers they both got sucked in...I'm assuming.

But to be honest, I doubt that's what's going on.

It was like he knew that he could rely on me. It was like he knew the stuff I get up to and was on my side... even if I know that's not the case. But there was definitely some sort of complicity going on there. He wasn't telling the truth, I could read it and I defended him, and he knew it.

Previous to that episode he stopped in on his own, just after Halloween, and he was in a rough patch with his gf. He's the same age as me and was, or perhaps is, going through a period where he's trying to figure out what he wants. We're going through the same things. We got to talking, bf was there too, but we could understand each other perfectly, reading between the lines of what the other was saying about partners. While bf was out of the room for a bit we talked more openly about relationships quite briefly there was no conclusion except that we're both in similar situations relationship wise and I gave him some rather basic advice.

Accepting myself in different ways.

2011-12-30T19:52:00.000+01:00

I haven't been on in ages due to the holidays. My dad came and went, it was nice to see him although unfortunately he and his wife caught the flu on the way here and were sick most of the time. It was pretty frustrating for everyone.

But what I'm really here to talk about is butch lesbian girls.
Ok so what got me on this topic was a character on a reality tv show.
Now to make things confusing she looks A LOT like a cute guy and with the dubbing into Italian I couldn't figure out whether she was a girl or a guy so I looked her up. But to be honest I found her hot, finding out that she is a girl almost turns me on more. It's enticing. I've never been totally attracted to women... I mean I love a woman's body, but I've never found a woman that turns me on just thinking about her. But this woman did and that surprised me.

I haven't had sex in ages. I've only

I have possibly found a solution to all my problems. My neighbours are moving away in March. I might take into consideration renting it and then subletting to tourists on occasion while using it as my own studio space.

hmmm

what else....

gah, I remember what it was I was thinking about....

I believe that I've never really liked my body. I probably have a hard time accepting myself for some reason. This is partially why I do what I do... why I'm constantly looking for approval or praise about it. It's something that I've known about myself or at least thought about myself but never wrote it out or admitted to it. So there it is.... in black and white I probably need to work on that.

Oh and I don't like skin... in general... Never look at it too closely it's pretty nasty.

Thoughts on Men, and Questions (at the end).

2011-12-20T02:49:00.002+01:00

I haven't written a post in a while. Life takes over, especially around Christmas time.
My father is getting here on Thursday, and I still haven't finished doing everything I need to do before he gets here. Plus I have a million people to make little gifts for. I made all my Christmas gifts for friends this year.
Yes I can be crafty as well as artsy. So I got busy and made all sorts of things. But it's time consuming and somewhat stressful.

I haven't had anything really substantial going on these days. This is another reason for not writing I guess. I tend to get distracted by little things and concentrate less on boys on occasion... it doesn't happen all that often buuut I guess it's that time of the year.

I'm totally addicted to a new photo app on my iphone (sounds off topic, but it's one of my distractions lately), I love taking pictures, editing them and posting them to see what others think. There are so many cool people out there taking great pictures on their phones or other cameras, and editing them, making them artistic, pieces of pure creativity. I just love it.

ROB
I talked to Rob today... tonight, in the dark, whispering, words gliding over me, my hands cold running over my body as he told me what to touch and how fast to go. His offenses, calling me a slut, turns me on so much. We don't talk a whole lot when we're getting off. We're both shy that way. We stare at each other a lot. He's got a little more guts than I do, and he talks more. I love to listen to his voice.
We didn't stay on to talk after either, although sometimes I'd love to, but he's just not the type to hang around. Is that what's called the "Alpha male " syndrome? lol... in for the chase and then gone after? ah well I don't mind we have our chats during the day.

Last week we had a great conversation that lasted probably 1.5 to 2 hours. It was just chit-chat about whatever. I'm not sure he realizes how much I love those, or how much they turn me on after I hang up the phone. Nothing sexual passes in the conversations except for the occasional, "when are you coming", "are you going to fuck me again?" type questions. But after we get off the phone I end up getting so worked up. Maybe it's like a Pavlov's reaction to his voice or accent or something.

Co-Worker
As for work, things have been ambiguous with Co-Worker as usual. I Honestly don't know what to make of him most of the time... and I've been ignoring him. A few of the instances that had me confused were:
-walking up to me within an inch of my face and staring me down, only to walk away in utter silence after I ask "what?" quietly. (same one as described last entry)
-Walking up to me after my other co-worker notices I'm wearing perfume and sniffs my neck within a distance that I can feel his breath on my shoulder.
-giving me little encouraging nudges and pats for a job well done.
-we even joked about kisses, and he asked me to plant one on his cheek, it was in front of our clients and I did not obey.
-we also had our first argument of sorts. It's a long story but in the end we were both right, and he basically got frustrated at me for having blamed him (in a roundabout way) for his forgetting to tell me something, he did tell me but not on time. He thinks that it wasn't his place to tell me in the first place.
Whatever... in any case he got over it pretty quickly.
-He helped me with my dad's Christmas present idea.

Ignoring means that I haven't been flirting at all. I've been joking around, the usual stuff, just none of the typical touchy or me making it obvious. I think that could be why he's started with his games again.

He's just a player. But I do plan to do a little experiment on him to see his reaction. I'm planning to try his walk up close and stare game. See what he does. I've never done it to him. Except we won't be working together until a while after Christmas... so it'll have to wait.

TO ALL MEN:
Women do little experiments on you.
Did you know that?
I'd love to hear a man's voice. I'd love to find out if men do the same.

Scheming

2011-12-06T17:39:00.001+01:00

Christmas is on it's way. My father is coming to visit for a week around the holidays. I'm really excited about it. I just wish I could be in India with him and my sister at the moment. I'd just love to have that opportunity again... will it arise? probably not.

BF
Things with bf have been going surprisingly well. I have "moments of quite desperation", that I'm not sure whether I surpress or overcome. I can't quite tell right now. I still feel the urge to get out.
We had some decent sex the other night. I've been suffering from kidney stones again so it wasn't anything spectacular, but I did get off.
I've learned that if I want to get off when we have sex the first time after a long dry spell, I really have to work at it. A lot of clitoral stimulation, but it works and it seems to turn him on.

I even tried getting him to talk to me. But it didn't really work. I guess I kinda put him on the spot, but I eased the tension immediately taking things (literally) into my own hands

Rob
I have been planning... and scheming, and yes I think I'll be heading over there again to see him. In March probably. We've talked about it quite a bit, and this has also stimulated more frequent contact, or maybe not, maybe it's just me, and I've had some extra free time.

I love the little things with him. We caught each other on Skype one day, it was a nice conversation, nothing sexual, just random thoughts and stuff like two old friends. But I later got an email simply stating how he enjoyed our conversation but that he was looking forward to getting some pussy. It made me smile.

I later decided to send him a pic of my town. I've never sent him anything of where I live. I felt a bit strange doing it. But he liked it.

Then last night we got each other off online. Every time we get off, he takes time to just watch me. He holds his phone up, horizontal to his body, over his face, and he just watches. I love love love the look on his face when he watches me.

Co-Worker
I haven't really been working much, things have been slow at work. I did go in the other day for an hour or so. When I arrived, Co-Worker blocked my path, stood square in front of me 2 inches from my face and stared me down. He just stood there, not a word. It's not the first time. He does this on occasion. At least once a week when I'm working my full hours there. I still can't understand what it means, if anything. But I re-read my offline diary entries from Greece and I've realized that I need to trust my gut instinct more.
I ignored it my whole trip with him. But I was right all along, so I need to stay true to the senses I get.

Hide N' Take

2011-12-01T11:44:00.001+01:00

I had a few free moments this morning while bf was out getting groceries. And Since I have some new photo apps on my iphone I figured I'd play around with those for HNT.
*And yes, there are three pictures to find again this week.*

Teasing

2011-11-27T20:17:00.001+01:00

I love a tease, a good one.
I love it when I watch a bunch of wonderfully erotic porn, I've recently come across a bunch from X-Art on youporn, they are so hot. All of them. The girls are gorgeous, the boys are too. And I've seen behind the scenes shots that are genuinely sexy. Perhaps I'll post a link. But not today. Today is about teasing.

I love getting myself so wet I want to touch. I won't touch though. I hold off. I get myself totally and utterly worked up that I could cum just brushing myself.

Today I talked to the Italian in Rome. The one that I suggested the threesome to last year ( I think).

Remind me that I need to blog about what we talked about in our last conversation.

He was such a tease today and we played on cam for the first time in AGES. It was yummy, very sexy.

First he teased me though. He talked about what he'd do to me licking my ass, letting saliva drip down to my pussy. Slipping his tongue inside my tight little hole, and then slipping his cock inside me.

Oh man, I'd love to feel his cock glide into my ass.

Then after a while of writing we finally got on camera. He was hard as stone. I was dripping, and we immediately got to it. I unzipped my hoodie to my bare skin, and bra underneath, I pulled my jeans down and showed him my ass. He groaned and laughed and said how hot I was... He was dripping pre-cum, he showed me, slipped his fingers into it and even brought it to his mouth.

Fingering, playing, licking... I still haven't cum. I watched him cum all over himself. We talked about meeting, about how explosive things are on line, and we look at each other with lust in our eyes.

Stealing glimpses

2011-11-22T16:53:00.001+01:00

We caught each other stealing a glimpse today.

I do it when I'm standing in doorways. I often stand in doorways at work, it looks less suspicious to my boss. I can relax there but move into another room, a room I should be working in, quickly.
It's also an excellent vantage point to see around the whole studio space. See what everyone is doing.

Today we were both standing in doorways. I was standing in one, and Co-Worker across the room in the other. We were both distracted, looking at people or things, and then I turned to look where he was looking, and right then he did the same. Our eyes caught, held for a moment and then I looked away.

I don't know why this stands out in my mind. We often look at each other, we often stare into each other's eyes for fun, doing it purposely (the staring contest type thing). But this was different, perhaps because we were both trying not to be noticed by the other.

Friday he asked me to have lunch with him, we went together but we were joined by two clients and so we were not alone.

Bf.
Today Bf did something that made me cry.
He's been telling me that he wanted me to listen to a song since the "break-up" and today he finally got up the courage to play it for me.
It's a song I know well, and I even knew what song he was going to play, it's an Italian song. It's extremely sweet. And yes, when he played it for me, I cried. He asked me not to make fun of him, and he told me to listen to the words. I knew the words, I've heard it a million times, but I wasn't really expecting to cry.

Rob
Last week while bf was constantly out of the house Rob had time and I had time to get on line, his internet was down. It was unfortunate, but not as frustrating as it could have been. I tend to keep my expectations low these days, otherwise I get worked up for nothing.
He wrote me today saying how quiet I've been. It's true I haven't sent him text messages or emails even in the past while. I've just been busy, and concentrated on other things I guess. I think about him constantly, I just don't act on my thoughts as much as I used to. I wonder if I've just recently come to terms with everything.... I mean emotionally. I'm not as anxious about him as I used to be. I like this feeling a lot. It's comforting.

Lollypop

2011-11-17T10:00:00.000+01:00

HAPPY HNT everyone!

*click*

So I decided to go with John's suggestion this week. Only because he managed to answer in time that afternoon for me to use his suggestion. I will be saving other suggestions for next time.

I've also played a little game of hide and seek to make up for my absence. Can anyone find me?

Artistic urges and other types of urges

2011-11-16T16:05:00.001+01:00

So an HNT is going up tomorrow (my thursday). I always get excited about HNT when I manage to find the time to get the pictures done.

I had the day free today, Bf was out all day. I woke up happy to be awake, which has been happening rather rarely these days. I've been having to get up too early and it's too cold and damp here to get out of bed. But today I woke up eagerly. I had dreamt about a large art project that I'm eager to start work on.

These artistic impulses are a funny thing though. If I don't act on them right away they wear off, the novelty wears off and I get tired of them. I really have a hard time getting back into a project I've started and left aside. And often I don't have the time or space to really concentrate on something till I finish it.

In any case I sat down and sketched it out. It is probably the third or fourth large size project that I have come up with in the past year. I haven't actually started work on any of them. But the ideas are all on paper so I won't forget them.

While I was working on that today I fondly thought about my mother who was an artist before she passed away prematurely from lung cancer (she never smoked a cigarette in her life).
I remembered how she used to mix her media together to create unique pieces of art. She had so many skills she didn't know how to put them all to use. I find that I have the same qualities as an artist. (without wanting to boast), I know a hundred different art techniques, and I love having had her influence to mix them together as most people wouldn't.
I wish she were alive so that I could tell her that.

Co-Worker
I have decided to really lay off Co-worker. I think it's for the best. I'm not sure whether he wants to flirt or not but I honestly don't really care anymore. He's so touch and go that I can't be bothered.... ok maybe I'm not that adamant on backing off, but I am trying to make a conscious effort.

I went to lunch with him and my other female co-worker and I asked them what they were up to this friday eve, there's a concert I want to go see. I know for sure that Co-worker likes the type of music the band plays. The girl co-worker said that she wasn't interested and he made some offhand comment about not liking them, but then he smiled and winked at me.

So who knows...

I give up.

I am going to the concert though, probably alone. We'll see how things roll that evening.

Rob
Rob and I were both home and horny yesterday afternoon (after I got the HNT pics done), except he had internet problems and he kept getting kicked off of Skype. It sucked the bucket... but I have to say It may well have been for the best because Bf got home very shortly after we tried talking.

BF
Bf surprised me the other day. I told him about the concert that I'd like to go see on Friday. He said, "let me know what you want to do, I'll come with you if you want me to, you can go on your own or with whoever you want to go with".
Before all of this happened he'd have reacted differently. He would have complained about me wanting to go. He'd have said that he didn't want to come and if I said I wanted to go on my own he'd have gotten huffy/angry even.

An Ex.
I have this weird urge to get in touch with my Ex.... I dated this guy before moving here, I was totally in love with him, we were engaged even, but then he cheated on me and I got angry and dumped him. He now lives in Norway, has a son and a wife, but he is having problems with his wife. I've heard he wants a divorce. What I've heard is all through a friend, so I don't actually know what's up. But he is an artist and I am curious about what he's doing and how he's doing it artistically. The urge has been strong, but I don't know if it would be a good idea.

Suggestions?

2011-11-15T14:33:00.001+01:00

Ok so I have some time this afternoon to get some pics for HNT done. Except I'm a little short of ideas. Any ideas of what I should do?
I'll take into consideration any "tasteful" ideas and easily achievable ideas.

Planes, Trains of Thought and Dresses?

2011-11-08T16:11:00.000+01:00

A quick note regarding the last post to begin with. The energies I was talking about were positive ones (this time) I wasn't clear in my post though. I just have a hard time harnessing all the sexual and amorous energy sometimes.... I realize that my need to get those out into the open with feedback are quite related to my own insecurities.

Bf
Last night I told bf that I had an appointment to see another apartment tomorrow. He calmly asked me if I was planning on pursuing that route, (this is the second apartment I'll be seeing on my own). When I said yes, he started to hum and haw and beat around the bush, but he said, quite nicely, that if I made that decision it wouldn't work for him, that he wouldn't be able to accept that.
The gist of the meaning (my version while reading between the lines) was that he would rather break up with me than live separately.
But then as the conversation wore on, (and he was the only one talking because of a welling up of emotion within him I imagine), he ultimately said that he wanted us to find an alternative, whether it be that we find a bigger apartment together where I have space to do what I need to do... or whatever else. He finished by saying that he will think about things and decide whether he can accept my terms as well.

My final comments were something along the lines of: me having to find my path. That I've taken on a daily routine that I don't really want to continue doing. Part of that is because I moved in with him when I was too young and therefore I didn't have my own rhythm to insert into the relationship. Or perhaps I should say that I have reached a routine with bf that I want to break and can't without something drastic.

I also told him that I haven't found the apartment and that I will not be making decisions tomorrow.
But I hope he has understood my determination... I'm terrible at being clear. But I really do think that this is the best solution. I can't see alternatives right now.

Rob
Rob cracks me up. After I got the song I put it on my ipod. I love it, it makes me smile and even laugh. And it irks him that I did that. heh... I love irking him, he now "regrets" having sent it to me, but it's just his own embarrassment talking.

Saturday night while I was having all those "energy problems" I ended up looking at flights for London. Yeah bad Cande... well prices were super low. They were like 50 Euros (if that) return trip between Feb and March. The sales for that airline end today so from tomorrow the prices will go up. I even found people willing to host me over in London, although I'm not sure how concrete those offers were, but still it made me jump at the bit.

I was really, really close to booking a flight. I even texted Rob asking him if he'd be willing to meet up with me. And he basically said "of course". Problem is it's best for the both of us to put it off to April, but prices are double for April. So I guess I'll just have to wait on it.

In the meantime Rob joked that he was going to quit cybering with me, and just wait til we can actually get together. But when I told him that it was a good substitute for him, he took it as a compliment and gave in to my begging. So we've set a play date for tomorrow. But who knows if it will happen...

Co-Worker
After my text to him I never did get an answer. But I did get a "happy halloween" text at 1am on Halloween night. It was written in English and it said "I will meet you into the night, happy halloween". The next morning I was tempted to just leave the text at that, not to write back, like he does with me. But I ended up giving in to my temptation and I wrote "did I bite you?".
I never got an answer from that either.

Monday I went in to work wearing a form fitting knit dress over leggings and boots. He asked/joked in front of everyone if I could please dress more appropriately for work. While my other co-worker woman defended me saying I looked nice, he just grumbled. He was kidding yet not. It's not the first time he's made a comment like that. These days it seems like my presence just bothers him in a certain sense. Like he gets angry at me for tempting him.

*Not me... looks like she's got shoulder problems or something.

but the outfit is similar to the one I was wearing*

Energy and Emotions.

2011-11-06T21:37:00.002+01:00

There aredays when the energy inside is so strong; the emotions are so intense that you need to focus them somewhere. They can't just sit inside you. They can't just stagnate. They need release, they need to interact, they need feedback, they need to evolve.

When I don't get that interaction, I often feel like I'm going to explode. Problem is that the energy and emotions seem to be people specific, I can't just aim that energy towards anyone or anything.

Maybe I need to learn to channel that energy into other things. Maybe I need to learn how to focus that energy in different ways.

But then, couldn't it be a mix of insecurities that need reassurance? And if so, then how is it possible to harness those emotions to channel them?

Heart Shaped Box

2011-11-03T20:27:00.000+01:00

I am in love with him.
I have no doubts.
Does that change anything?
No... and Yes... It just means that I'll be aware of what feelings I have and I'll be better able to cope with them.

Between our conversation yesterday, and another brief conversation today things have been amazing. The look on his face, was a sweet one. We were supposed to play but there was no time. As we were talking I could hear a guitar, he seemed to be bumping it with his fingers. I knew he played. I knew he sang a little too. He kept making noise with it, and when I asked him what it was, he kept saying it was the radio.

I got the feeling he wanted to play for me but either didn't have the time or perhaps the courage.

We had our conversation, but at the end my student arrived and as we were closing I asked him to send me a video of him playing. I was kidding but hoping he'd agree. And he said that he'd send me an audio file.

After my lesson I was busy organizing a DVD for a friend and I get a text message with two question marks "??" from him. Not understanding I texted him thinking that maybe he'd received one of my earlier messages late. So then I check my email and sure enough there was the file.

"Heart Shaped Box" by nirvana was in there, sung and played by him on the guitar. It was slow, sweet and only part of the song. He isn't a professional musician or singer, It's obvious, but he is in tune and does a pretty good job of it. It made me laugh simply because I know the song so well sung by Curt Cobain that it's strange to hear it sung with a british accent, and no-one has ever sung anything specifically for me before. It made me blush funnily.

I honestly loved it. The thought was all too sweet coming from him.

My head is in the clouds now... I keep grinning and can't stop.

What is Passion

2011-11-03T00:37:00.001+01:00

Everyone grows up and everyone falls in love with someone at a certain age. They love that person of course, but then people change. Both parties change, that doesn't mean that you don't love that person or can't be passionate with that person, it's just that they fill different needs. And our own needs change too.

So we go looking for things elsewhere....

That's when we click sexually with another person. You've gone looking, you've cheated, and "love" hits you on the head without you expecting it because the passion is so intense, because passion doesn't exist without the love and emotion. If you take sex, and take the passion out of it you have pure sex which isn't half as interesting as when there's a connection.

What exactly is passion though?

Dictionary.com states:

-any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

-strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.

-strong sexual desire; lust.

-an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.

-a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.

To be honest, I don't quite agree, although I understand why it has been worded this way. Passion is passion, Lust is lust. I wouldn't mix the two up. Lust in my opinion is a non amorous feeling of strong sexual desire towards someone similar to a drug addict's need for drugs, whereas passion is an amorous one.

How does this apply to me and what's going on?

ROB
Well I've recently talked to someone who said some things that have clarified what happened in Nottingham with Rob. I knew there were emotions involved, but I don't know how aware I was about what emotions were involved. And I think part of me was trying to avoid getting hurt and pushing those emotions aside to an extent. I didn't want to confront them

I have realized that there was lust and there still is. But passion definitely took over there. And I think too that love has a strong role in this. I was afraid to admit it. And by not admitting it, I risk being in an emotionally confused state over how I feel.

I talked to Rob about it this evening, it was a very very interesting conversation for me. I explained it to him, the understanding that I've come to. I asked him about his feelings on the situation and the first and most important thing that he said was that he isn't as emotionally involved as I am.

This did not scare me, it didn't even phase me really, although it was hard to know what to say in response. I did point out that it was important for me to understand that. He continued by specifying that what he meant was that he has "...more control over his emotions, and that doesn't mean that he feels less strongly...".

It is/was important for me to understand his position on things. I think I now have a better understanding of my feelings and a better understanding of his feelings.

I feel clearer and more at peace with things. I was in a constant state of turmoil (sometimes on the surface other times deeper down) about my feelings around him.

In and Out

2011-10-30T14:53:00.000+01:00

People come and go from a person's life, but recently I've had a lot of coming and going.

When I went back this summer to visit friends and family I reconnected with people who I've been in "contact" with via Facebook, but seeing them in person sparked more human interactions.

One is my best friend who is going through a period which we are enjoying sharing. She is going through a pretty intense affair. She is loving it and sharing almost every aspect with me. This has also given me a window to throw in everything that has been going on with me including the blog, Rob, Co-worker and everyone else in my "private" life. I love having her to talk to, share emotions with and basically just bare my soul to.

The other re-entry is my ex-boyfriend. We dated many years ago when I was in high school. I did mention him in a post, I even gave him a name, but god only knows what it was. I used to share just about everything with him before we started dating. We were very close friends and ultimately I broke up with him to save that friendship. I was glad that I did because I managed to save it. But at the same time I think he was terribly hurt.

We kept in touch through the years, I went to his wedding, he had two kids and recently went through a pretty terrible separation. He would get in touch with me when things got bad at home but recently (especially after seeing him back home this summer) he has become extremely needy.

I told him that I was going through tough times with the Bf and I even told him that we were going through a break up but then we got back together, but I don't think he understood. I think he just heard the part about breaking up.

He wants to be "part of my life" he wants to be actively involved in learning about who I have become. I have such a hard time letting him in again because I'm afraid he is going to get hurt again. He doesn't deserve to go through that right now.

I will have to be very careful about how I deal with this situation....

Co-Worker
Well Friday at work went ahead as per usual. The infamous text was never mentioned. And at this point I wonder whether he even received it...

So I was thinking of sending another one on Monday, saying
"choose the correct answer: A) you didn't receive the txt, B) you're ignoring it, C) you didn't understand or D) you didn't have the money to answer"

So much yet so little

2011-10-27T18:03:00.003+02:00

So much has been going on, yet so little.

BF
There has been no news on the apartment front, and I am planning on moving back into the guest room for a few nights. Just because I need bf to understand that I haven't changed my mind about moving out. I am afraid though that I've been lax on things at home, especially on his understanding, so I will have to sit down with him and talk to him about it again.

I have changed my ways slightly as he has been at school every day learning English, he leaves at 7 am and comes home at around 8pm, so last night I went grocery shopping and made him dinner with candles and everything. He appreciated it and thanked me. This is something I'd never have done in the past. But I felt compelled since he is out all day.

Co-Worker
Co-worker has been confusing, and there are days when I think that I've lost all interest or that he has lost all interest. That it would be totally WRONG to even tease because we're both in what seems to be a solid place.

But then, like yesterday, where he'd stare me down all morning, with eyes WIDE open, following my movements... being evident about it. I got flustered and smiled, I did try to ask him "What? What???" but he just stays quiet.

The touchy/feely flirting is coming back, and I'm just glad that things are back to normal with him.

I may have compromised that a bit though seeing as today I wrote him a text. It's complicated to explain. I used a common italian saying and translated it terribly into English, and sent it to him. The translated text said more or less "Dont' get mad but sometimes you tempt me". The translation into English (it made no sense in English but it made perfect sense if translated back into Italian) was so obviously wrong that it was funny and I was laughing at it as I wrote him the message. I even put a ;) face after the silly sentence.

Sadly though, he never wrote back. Poo on him.... I wonder if he's going to say something about it tomorrow. It annoys me when I text him and he doesn't write back. I don't get it. Last time I sent him a message with anything similar he got mad at me. So I admit I'm a little worried.

The rest (which isn't much)
I have a new friend. She's an american girl from New York and we went to Florence together last weekend. It was a weird day... very very weird. But I think I'll hold that story off for another day.

I have also received a few emails from the blogsphere that I have been terrible at answering, I promise as soon as I have an evening I'll sit down and answer those!! I feel terrible for procrastinating on those :( But as we all know around here, life gets in the way ;)

Work, Taxes and the Boys of course.

2011-10-21T14:57:00.001+02:00

I'm typing with a bandaid on a finger.... I just managed to slice my baby finger open.

Things have been UBER stressful and crazy the past week. Apart from the stress of breaking up, getting back together and trying to find apartments the week before last, this week has been exceptionally insane.

School started... I teach, so all of my evening classes started this week. On top of that the school has decided to integrate a new component into some of the regular courses making it very difficult for us teachers to manoever. In fact I think the school got ripped off. The "online" program they've decided to integrate sucks ass. The people who are running it are totally disorganized and well... I've been having to deal with all this at work considering I'm supposed to teach the students how to use the bloody thing.

Not only that but I've had semi personal problems with one of my teacher colleagues. I've been told by a friend that she is not doing her job the way she should. I've been stressing about how to tell this colleague to change the way she's doing things.

Then there's the Taxes. I got an email from back home saying that I owe 6000 dollars in taxes. The company who is dealing with some stuff back home scared the shit out of me saying that they could go out of business for errors like this. So I had to get on the computer to send them the money. For bureaucratic and technological problems it was really really complicated. Between having to raise the limit on my account for transfers, to banks being closed eastern time, to getting the wrong message on the internet banking site... I ended up sending the money twice... ARG... I was dealing with this while having an already stressful day between midnight and 2am because of the time difference. Joy...

On the positive side of things, strangely I'm in a relatively good mood.

ROB
I sent Rob a text yesterday asking him to cheer me up, because I was having a bad day. And he wrote back saying "I remember the groan you made when I kissed your neck before you undid my jeans to suck my cock".

That made my heart stop and yes I smiled, and I blushed even. I told him all of this and he simply wrote back: "Love you"

To which I responded "love you too"

Co-Worker
Yesterday I had the opportunity, for the first time in ages, to have lunch with Co-worker. It was mostly awkward.... neither of us knew what to say to each other most of the time.
There was one thing though that happened that probably should have been my cue to say something, but I missed out, I didn't take it. He pointed to a painting on the wall where we were eating and just started counting down from three. I immediately answered a name. And to explain briefly, the painting was an image from our trip to greece and I had three seconds to recognize it. We both think about greece on a pretty constant basis I think... considering the other day he mentioned a beach, and then yesterday the painting.

There was so much I'd have wanted to say. And I contemplate sending him a text just about every day, but then I never do.

Perspectives

2011-10-18T17:05:00.000+02:00

I have been actively looking for apartments in the past week. I've been to see a total of three. Two were really nice, but for different reasons neither would work. Also I think I have to reduce my original budget from 600 a month to 550 or 500.

Other than that there hasn't been much progress. I told two sets of friends of ours what was going on. I think that it helps a bit. When I told bf that I had told them, he wasn't terribly enthusiastic. But I think it's just a matter of him getting used to things.

At this point bf has been leechy caressing me and my face constantly whenever he's close to me. He's gotten a bit sappy, but I know that he's a bit too sweet at times.... I should appreciate it, but it's just not my style.

ROB
I heard from Rob a little: a brief meeting on line last week, where we talked about the "break up". Today he texted me asking me how I was and I told him that the break-up didn't go through completely but that I was moving out. He was obviously confused and it was difficult to explain through text messages. He told me to let him know when I wanted to talk about it and this afternoon we both managed to get on line.
It was a nice chat, he was in a really good mood, and he poked a little fun at me for not pulling the break-up off. But in the end he was sympathetic and understanding. It was really nice to talk and see him as usual. He texted me after saying that he wants to fuck me. I joked around saying it was because I'm not single, and he said it was because "you're you".

I had in the past week been backing off both him and Co-worker. Just to see their reactions. I have also been self absorbed recently and haven't had time really for either of them.

Co-Worker
Co-worker today was looking for attention. At one point he surprised me by saying the name of a greek beach that we visited together. One of the most beautiful places I've seen. And all these images and feelings came flowing back for a brief moment.

How am I feeling?
I'm still confused. I need to get out to get perspective.

Decisions...

2011-10-13T22:57:00.001+02:00

This is in part an answer to all of you who have commented as well as personal observations and thoughts on the situation.

I never follow my heart. My heart is often too passionate and impulsive. I also never follow my head, because my head rationalizes too much and often I get mislead.
I try to follow my gut. My gut instinct is what has always brought me to the right decisions, and it is something I've come to realize through many "wrong" decisions over the years and kicking myself for not having followed my gut sense.

I came to the decision (before reading your comments) that the best solution is that of moving out and keeping things on with bf. We both need the distance to understand where we are in life and what we need. It is a place that he will grow in, and where I will understand what I want.

As I read your comments on my last post I realized that you were mostly confirming what I already knew. Space and distance are important in this case.

There are things that I've come to realize that are more important to me than I thought.
The artistic side of things... for example. The space to create at any hour any time of day without having someone around is important for me. I can't create with someone around. It's impossible.

My best friend today said that if I want to move out, I'll need to concentrate the "new conversation" on the positive aspects of growth from a distance, to encourage him as best I can, (because I haven't done enough of that over the past few days) and to tell him how much I appreciate his efforts. Because otherwise he will easily fall into what could be called a depression or a laziness of sorts. But if I honestly want things to change I need to give him that input.

I am feeling better. I feel like I've reached an excellent compromise to the situation. I feel comfortable with the decision. It's the only decision I wasn't despairing over. That's how I came to this conclusion. At the thought of both of the other options I was in dire pain. So breaking it off completely or staying were both out of the question.

I bawled my eyes out this morning, hyperventilated and then went to work. By the time I came home my neighbour was here (the one I'd mentioned the eminent break up to just before it happened).

And while talking to him my inkling of thought grew into a formed decision which was reinforced at ever turn, between talking to my best friend, reading the comments on the blog and talking briefly to my father not 5 minutes ago.

I have yet to break the news to Bf... I fear it will be another painful step. I fear he will not take it as well as I feel it should go. I hope that by keeping a positive attitude he will follow. I have been warned, my neighbour (and Advizor for that matter) mentioned that he is from a part of the world where certain "ideas" and customs are ingrained into the people. He may not understand, or fathom the situation of living separately. But I/he will have to work on that.

Finding an apartment is the next step. I have seen one that is interesting and will be seeing another tomorrow. The one tomorrow sounds very interesting. I hope that it is.

confused

2011-10-13T01:52:00.000+02:00

This is a very difficult post for me. I am extremely confused (and that is an understatement), although I admit that my ideas may be getting clearer as I speak with friends and family.

Up until today things had gone relatively smoothly with very little "opposition" on Bf's part.

Today though, when I woke up this morning, he asked me if I'd be around in the afternoon so that we could talk. We weren't sure it was going to pan out seeing as we both had things to do, but we aimed for the afternoon.

When I got home from work in the late morning he was having a cigarette, he has been smoking a little, in front of me since the "conversation".

We sat down and he started to talk.
He explained that he hasn't been eating, that he doesn't think he can live without me, that he has understood more in the past 3 days than he has understood in last 14 years....

-He understands now that he has denied me the basic foundations of a relationship: communication and expressing one's love for another.

-He understands that he wasted time on so many useless things when he could have been making concrete steps towards a future together.

-He understands that he concentrated on the wrong things and put too much energy into the wrong things.

-He understands my perspective now.

(consider as well, that I said nothing of these things during the conversation, he came up with them on his own)

He cried as he explained this. It was the first time in 14 years I've actually seen him cry... and really cry.
He said that he wants to get involved in my artwork more (it is something that generally is heavy work and needs manual labour to make it possible). He wants to take courses (in this artform) so that in a future we could open a studio someplace like back in North America or another country.
He mentioned getting married next summer.

I didn't give him an answer. I cried though, I hugged him, and I told him that I needed time to think about things.

_________

This is what I was expecting 10 years ago... I was expecting him to open up, propose to me and become even minimally interested in what I do. It never came. I'm getting it now that I'm trying to break up with him.

*My sister suggested I keep an open mind. People change...
They do, I've seen it. Especially if there is a catalyst, and this is definitely a catalyst. In other words, she thinks I should give him another chance.

*My best friend says that he shouldn't be changing out of fear for losing me. She's not sure that he will change as much as I need him to and in what amount of time.
In other words, not close the door on him completely but see if he changes even after I've moved out. (which in my opinion may be difficult seeing as I won't be witnessing the changes if I'm not present).

*My view (which isn't concrete, mostly questions): I need to figure out whether I want to be in the relationship even if he does give me everything I've always asked for and wanted.
After 13 years of not (or very rarely) hearing someone say (or saying yourself) "I love you", it's difficult to know what you feel, because you've never expressed it. So even if he does start, will I feel comfortable saying "I love you" back? Do I love him? ... so much time has passed since I fell in love that I don't actually know what I feel. I think (but don't actually know) that if a couple uses the phrase from the start, the feeling is amplified or at least reinstated every time it is said.

His offer is tempting... very tempting. I'd love to give in to a safe and comfortable future with him. But there are so many uncertainties on either side of the decision I don't know what to think.

I need to talk to my father, see what he says. He gives good advice that has generally always been beneficial. But I basically already know where he stands.

Maybe I need to ask Bf what HE wants out of his life. I don't think that following me in my art endeavors is his ultimate life choice. What if I choose to move into my own apartment, and he goes and does courses in the art that I practice? What if I then decide not to "get back together"? I'd have wasted another chunk of his life.... Should I even be contemplating the complications that could arise?

To be honest, I don't want to cut him off completely, I wanted the separation to be gradual, leaving the door open to changes. I can't deny that I care for him... that's the problem.

2011-10-11T14:59:00.001+02:00

Things are just so weird. I don't know what to think. Bf has been really nice and considerate, he's even suggested various things for my future, and every time he does I just want to cry.

The one thing that really surprised me today was that he took the first step in telling a friend of ours.

This, to me, means that he's accepting the situation to an extent. I know, because he told me today, that he still hopes things will work out between us in the future but at least he's not fighting it.

I'm scared, really scared, and I burst into tears at the thought of being alone. I am afraid of the void, I'm afraid of my future.
Everyone I've talked to about this has asked me what my plans are... I have no idea, I can't answer that now. I honestly don't want to hear the question again, but I know people will keep asking me.

I'm sad. It hurts like hell even if it's what I want.

How it went....

2011-10-10T20:55:00.001+02:00

I have been in tears most of the day since lunch.
The conversation was painful. I knew it would be, but I was hoping he'd be cold and just accept the facts. It wasn't that simple.

First he tried to convince me to stay, asking me questions about why I would put 14 years on the line and why I wanted to leave. He can't understand. He will never understand. He asked me if he had asked me to marry him 4 years ago if I'd have accepted. He asked me if we got married now if it would make a difference.

He didn't get angry, ever. He says he understands, but then hints of frustration and anger shine through his otherwise perfect behavior, saying that I am selfish for not thinking of him.

I feel selfish. I feel terrible. He cried during a hug, but it was a glimpse of red and wet tears... a single tear perhaps was shed. I feel sorry that he can't express his pain better. Because I'm sure he is in pain.

Once he understood that I wasn't going to change my mind he said, "Ok, so how do we do this? We have so much stuff...".

I've moved into the guest room... He was going to, but I need it for my private lessons. So I've moved in here.

He is practical, but I also think that he is hoping I will change my mind. We organized (he suggested) to pay rent together until March, and whoever finds the apartment first will move first. If not we will both move out at the same time in March.

Other than the conversation, the tears and my move into the guest room, he has been acting normally. We have been talking about normal things. And it seems like nothing happened....

The whole situation is strange. Now, I just need to find the apartment.

I have to get an MRI done on my foot, I have to go see an orthopedic doctor on Friday. I may have a fibroma in my foot... I'm not sure what that means. But I guess I'll find out.

Done

2011-10-10T15:12:00.001+02:00

I had the conversation. Now the next step.

Strong

2011-10-09T17:02:00.001+02:00

I have been calm, with moments of despair, but this evening or tomorrow the conversation will take place. I am hoping for tonight as I want to get it over with.
I still don't know what I will say or how I will say it. I have never had an experience like this with the language, I do not know what is tactful. I trust that my English reasoning will work though.

I feel sad, I feel ok about it, I am scared shitless, but I will go through with it.

I have realized another thing, another reason to leave. Within this relationship I have lost my strength. He makes me weak. When we travel it is the opposite, I am strong and he is weak because of the language and my experience as a traveller.
I want to be strong again.

I have been insatiable these days, getting myself off three four times a day. I'm guessing it's the stress. I wish Rob were around, sometimes I get to thinking he is the only one who can... fill the need.

Change of email

2011-10-08T20:50:00.002+02:00

Hello all,

Just letting you all know I've changed my email. You will find it on my profile page by clicking the email button.

Theories

2011-10-07T21:22:00.000+02:00

I caught my neighbor on skype today, the one that surprised me with that sentence while my sister was here. I asked him why he said "when cande leaves you..." instead of "if". We ended up chatting on skype a minute but then I realized it would be better to talk in person so I went up to his apartment and we talked.

His basic answer was that he sensed something was up, he sensed it around the time I went to greece. We talked openly about relationships and he has a few interesting theories.
One is that the body protests with illness when we don't do what we really want. And he has been dropping hints since I've met him that all my health problems are due to my inability to "grow" or move forward.

He formed two circles with his fingers and demonstrated two entities, moving together, moving forward, until one feels that it should move faster and the other circle gets left behind. The two circles are somewhat flexible, as if they have an elastic between them, but eventually if the lagging circle can't move forward, then the other ends up getting caught and stagnating.
It's exactly how I've been feeling.

He sees me as inhibited. He didn't say it clear and simple but he let on that he thinks I need to move on.
I told him that changes were coming and without saying it up front, I let on that I would leave bf.

I spent an hour there and I gained further confirmation that I'm doing the right thing.

He even told me the exact moment he felt that something was up... right around the trip to Corfu. So I explained the corfu mess and, things started to tumble out, I told him how things went, almost completely honestly, telling him that nothing had happened. But I did explain what Co-worker told me at the airport.... that he was in love with his girlfriend that he didn't want anything to happen, but that if something did happen we're both adults and we're capable of dealing with it".
Guess what my neighbour said?.... he said that it was a "diplomatic/tactful" way of saying that he liked me! hah.... I guess that's the Italian male mentality for you... I would never have caught on. And I told my neighbour that. I told him that I'd interpreted it as more of a "don't jump on me I don't want anything to happen" type statement.

In any case he assured me that he'd keep his mouth shut... he may not. I don't really care, things are moving quickly for me, and my mind is made up at this point. One more person knows... and it's just my way of making things more solid. He said that if I needed anything to let him know. I now have one person I can lean on HERE.... I needed that.

I Hobbled back down the stairs and burst into tears when I closed the door behind me.

I was at the hospital waiting for my CAT scan results as I was writing this, I'm now at home. I haven't spoken to my doctor yet about the diagnosis, I won't be able to talk to her until Monday or Tuesday, but it seems that there is a fibroma in my foot. I don't know if that's what's causing me the apin, but we'll see. Today the pain is almost gone. It disappeared as quickly as it came. I unfortunately got the CAT scan done when my foot wasn't swollen or inflamed so now I have to figure out what the cause was.

What's important is that the pain is almost gone.

Sweet nap

2011-10-06T19:19:00.000+02:00

I woke up this morning late, I managed to sleep in a little today, since I'm trying to rest my foot I haven't been going in to work as much as I normally do.
I was half sleeping, dreaming of Rob, I'd been thinking of him before going to sleep last night and woke up thinking about him. I was wet and all I wanted was for him to be there to watch me get off, maybe whisper something naughty into my headphones.
I texted Rob saying that I wanted help, I knew he was working though.
This afternoon I knew he was off work and decided to indulge myself in a little afternoon nap. I escaped the busy living room with family and I hid in the bedroom, stripped myself of my gym shorts, and my bra, and slid under the covers in just black panties and a white tank. I texted him that I was on and I waited. I knew it was unlikely that he'd join me, but I waited for an hour, teasing myself to pass the time, but eventually I couldn't resist.

Thoughts of him taking me from behind, head down on the bed, my wrists gripped firmly by his strong hands at my hips, making me utterly helpless, a feeling I love when I'm being fucked.
I imagined it slower than it actually went while in Nottingham. I imagined him slowly sliding in and back out, teasing me, not wanting to let me have his whole length. I would have to beg for it....
I came, needless to say... and then I fell asleep.

When I woke up the images were still in my mind. I wanted more, I was still dripping, so I turned to my phone. I pulled up some video on Youporn, something with a college girl blowing a college guy. The video was funny to begin with, it had humor to it. I giggled, then the fucking started, and she went down on him... his hands forcing her head down his shaft. Then him fucking her mouth, upside-down on the bed... I came again.

Doctors

2011-10-05T10:39:00.001+02:00

I wish I could let out one of those blood curdling cries of frustration. I went to hospital this morning for my foot, yeah I still can't walk, and the doctor was pissed off because of another patient and he went and took it out on me and my foot. Not only did I have to deal with him, but also a disgruntled nurse who basically told me I was lying when I told her that people generally accepted my care card even if it needed renewing (my wallet had been stollen and the new one got lost).

Pricks... I sometimes wish I were in my native country, people jut try to act nicer in general.

2011-10-04T11:47:00.000+02:00

The gaping hole in my chest slips between his fingers as my heart gushes with smoldering fantasies. My mind full of thoughts crowded, one on top of the other, silent to the outside world, heard only by me and that gushing hole left in my chest.
The air between us stings, sour with intentions, and meant to be's. I can almost taste his need for me, fleeting yet constant, like silk gliding over skin.
Trying to grip the substances, they elude him as he gropes for something he can't see.

Strange event, tears and Rob.

2011-10-02T12:34:00.000+02:00

Strange event I just remembered:

So while my sister was visiting we went up to see my neighbour's apartment. He's OCD and has this amazing apartment that looks like it's out of an architects digest. It's very spartan. This is not the point.

While we were there we were sitting up in his attic chatting, he, my sis, bf and I. And he turns to Bf and says "when Cande leaves you, you can come live here."
I laughed immediately... everyone did, but I stopped him and said "Hey! you said when, not if?"
And he just nodded and said "yeah, WHEN, not IF"

.... I mean what's up with that?!?

I haven't told anyone here about any of this. He shouldn't know. Maybe he just senses it.

Or maybe bf and he have talked.

__________________________________________________________

DAD
I talked to my dad today. I cried. I think it's because telling people that I'm going separate makes it more real, and it gives me the sensation that I can't go back on my words. I've told them that I want out and now if I don't get out they'll ask questions and I don't have answers to those questions.

This is the first time I've told anyone about breaking up, apart from the blog of course. Only one person is sad about it, the others are happy for me and think it's the right thing. My sister is the only one who expressed doubts. She likes bf. But to tell the truth if she knew what he thinks of her, she wouldn't like him as much.

ROB
I talked to Rob briefly yesterday. It was super short... ok... maybe not THAT short. It was a 30 minute call.
We just chatted about the break up, and my foot and lanolin.... yeah I was working with sheep's wool yesterday. Anyhow it was nice. When I don't see him for a long time, it's so nice to see and hear him. He was looking damn good too.
There are things I'm curious of. Things I wonder about him and his relationship. He rarely talks about it, unless I ask specific questions. I may have asked him before if he feels like he's in love with his gf. But I still wonder what level he is at with her.
I think he has kept on with me because I'm so different from his gf. Perhaps the artistic side of things, perhaps the fact that I validate or inspire his creative side at times.

He called me brave. Which I found sweet and made me emotional, but I didn't let on.

Nothing really sexual was exchanged, there was no time for it. Nonetheless yesterday, after that, I was horny as hell and got myself off three times.

Apartment

2011-10-01T13:36:00.000+02:00

I was busy getting things ready for bf's mum and sister this morning, rolling around on my wheelie chair to keep off my swollen foot, when I decided to text my friend about her apartment to see if it was still free.

It's strange how we (or maybe just I) tend to picture things for the future. I was so sure about that apartment that I was already picturing myself in it working, making art, being up late on projects.

She's rented it.

Just another complication in a sea of difficulties.

Now I have to figure out how to search for an apartment (in a very small town) without bf finding out for the time being...

My morale is a bit down now. I was banking on that so much, I was sure it would be free. She said it would be free until Christmas. *insert pouty face here*

I talked to my best friend yesterday who brought up different aspects of breaking up with bf, things to expect and things to think about. I was sort of feeling cold and distant from the problem to the point that I just wanted to get it over with, but now, when she tells me she just wants to hug me, I get tears in my eyes. I want to keep my distance. I don't want to feel emotional about this. I want to be able to be cool and calm and emotionally detached when I explain things to him, but at this rate, I won't be.

My best friend offered for me to stay in Canada where she is, take a 6 month sabbatical and just do art. It's so tempting.... The art community where she is is extremely supportive. I witnessed that when I went to visit her.

I could totally see myself living there and teaching art in one of the schools, teaching what I teach here even to adults. I could start importing materials. I'd miss the sea, the long summers, and I'd hate the long cold winters. It snows a lot there.

When I think about all that I want to cry. Tears well up and I wish I had her closer.

Enough of that....

I need to concentrate on now.

Boys boys boys

2011-09-30T15:05:00.001+02:00

What can I say has been going on... what interesting things?

Well, last week as I was having lunch alone, the travel agent got in touch with me. We got to talking about life in general, (his father recently passed away) but in reality he just wanted to talk dirty I think. We got to talking about latex somehow. And he ended up sending me the link to a video of three women in latex. I admit, I'd never wear latex. I think it would probably look terrible. But the idea turns me on... probably the fact that it's tight and shiny... and well... slutty...

Anyhow he ended up sending me a pic of his cock. That's how the conversation ended because then I had to go to work. Needless to say I was horny for the whole day.

Work with co-worker has been relatively normal. There's been less flirting than before Greece, I often get the feeling he's avoiding me. But then sometimes he'll just come right up to me and do something that he used to do a lot. Like stare me down as we walk past each other - eyes wide open like a zombie. Today he sat down next to me... really close, for no reason. He didn't even say anything to me. He doesn't touch me in the least bit as much as he used to. Every excuse was a good one, when we were walking past each other, no matter what, we'd touch, put a hand on an arm on the back, on the waist... now, that's gone. I miss that.

I have been wanting to tell him that he tempts me. I was almost going to send him a text today, but then didn't. Maybe next week. I've been fantasizing about sending him emails and texts telling him that I think about greece. Explaining what happened, why I was so distant. I feel like I need to explain things to him. But I don't want to ruin things for him, where he is now is a good place. I don't want to get in the way.

I miss Rob, I miss Rob, I miss Rob, I miss Rob, I miss Rob, I miss him, I miss him a lot... and he hasn't written me in so long I'm starting to worry. I need to lay off and see if he gets in touch with me at this point.

Answers to comments

2011-09-29T19:13:00.000+02:00

Wow, I'm kinda surprised all of this has created so much attention. I rarely get more than a comment on my posts unless it's HNT.

One answer at a time.

Johanna:
You and I are very similar in the head. We think in the same way and I basically agree with your whole comment. As for your questions about where home is and how I feel about it, it's all very complicated and I myself don't really know. I would like to stay here for a while longer. I feel quite at home in this town and I have a support group of friends which is excellent. I love my friends here. Sure, they are friends with bf as well, but that shouldn't be a problem if I do things right with the "separation". I do, though, think that eventually this is not the place for me. I think that moving to another country might make more sense for me. Italy is a pretty stagnant country and I want to get out before it's too late.

Cheshire:
I can't afford to stay in a hotel really, they are extremely expensive here. Remember that I'm not in an abusive relationship, I just don't feel happy enough in it. I don't feel the need to "run away". But I do realize that the sooner the better. I don't feel comfortable breeching the subject with bf while his family is here. I'd rather do it when we're on our own and can really talk without worrying about other people around.

Eden:
I beg to differ. I don't think that I'll stay. I think, and hope that I'll find the strength to leave. I am used to him being around, I have figured out how to balance things, online play has greatly reduced in the past two years, even with Rob. And it's not nearly as exciting as it used to be. Admittedly though if I were free... I'd have many more opportunities to travel, meet people and perhaps explore more sexually.

Michael:
Thanks, I would tend to agree with you, I do realise though that Cheshire and Eden both have very valid points. I will try to take your advice.

Advizor:
I hate it when Blogger does that!!
I will also take your advice. Being a gimp doesn't mean that I can't get things done. I will try to find out whether the apartment is still free. I'll try working out the logistics of moving. I don't have my own car so it will be complicated unless bf offers to lend me the car for the move. I don't want to ruin a friendship with bf, I do like him as a person. I'd rather though, not live with him. I need more space.

EVERYONE:
I am pretty confident that I will manage the break... but I will never promise anyone that I will leave him. I want to approach bf with it and see what happens from there. As my sister told me, even if he tries to convince me to stay, it's probably for the best that I let him go so that we can both benefit. But I'm not pretending to know my future, I'm not going to try to convince anyone that I'm actually going to manage in my endeavors. I'm just going to try my best and see how things go. I've never ever been totally sure of what to do. At the moment though, I feel more determined than ever, and therefore I feel comfortable saying that this is what I want. But that doesn't mean that I'll manage.

It's hard to make the jump from what I'd call an average relationship (because that's what I think it is) to the unknown. I sometimes wonder if my expectations in relationships are too high. My mother died a lonely woman, and I'd rather not end up in that situation. On the other hand, artists (as I sometimes manage to consider myself) are a bit moody and difficult and we need our spaces. So..... give me two weeks... not next week, the week after that is my free week. If by the 17th I haven't had the break-up conversation, then you can all judge the situation and drop the blog call me a coward or whatever you want to do, and I'll tell you that you are right and that I've failed. I will also not talk about leaving bf on the blog, but I will make honest efforts to be happy in the relationship.

Dear readers and commenters:

2011-09-29T11:43:00.001+02:00

Ahh how I love my readers (and commenters). I feel your frustration... actually I probably feel it more than you all do. But in all honesty I can't just pack up and leave without explanation after 14 years of what especially he (but also I) considers to be an important relationship.

I am in a tight spot too, I've strained my foot to the point that I can't walk. I'll be in this state for at least a week, probably more. And next week bf's mother and sister are coming because they've found a nodule in his mother's glands.

I understand that I need to get out. I have finally come to the conclusion that it is the right choice. But to be honest I still need to figure out WHERE I'm going to go. I technically have a friend whose house has been empty for a while and I could offer her part of the rent to stay there until they can switch the rental lease over to me. But I don't actually know if the house is still available I have to check with her.

It's not as easy as many of you make it out to be. The logistics are not simple here.

Week after next I am mostly free of work and anything else, Bf's mother will be gone too so that is what I am aiming for.

I will be updating as per usual about whatever crosses my mind.... mostly boys. Just hang in there.

How To?

2011-09-27T11:00:00.000+02:00

So right... um I'm in one of those states where nothing makes sense and I want to fix everything and make things better.

I think I may have to go see that counsellor. I want to end things with bf but I don't want to just sit down at dinner one evening and say "honey, I'm leaving you".

I need to figure out the right way to do it.

I do have that urge sometimes though... I just want to get it over with.... do it and cut it all short.... But then other times I know that he has feelings and would be devastated by the news. So I need to figure out the right way to do this. The language is also a problem. In that it's easy for me to forget about tact, my feelings are not appropriately attached to this language sometimes.

When I said that co-worker thinks I should leave the country it's not really like he wants me to leave, but he gets the feeling that I'm not settled and that I'd have better opportunities elsewhere.... which is probably true. He also says that he's getting the feeling that I won't be staying on at work for much longer.... I don't know if that's wishful thinking or what.

Men are confusing.

2011-09-26T21:52:00.001+02:00

I'm really confused. Men just don't make sense to me sometimes... Scratch that... Most of the time.
I had the best opportunity today to have lunch with co-worker and talk to him about stuff and he copped out. It kinda pissed me off, partially because I was in a pissy mood anyhow and partially because there's just so much I feel the need to clarify with him and never find the opportunity.
On the up side he did say a few things that hinted at more depth today. Most of which was centered on the fact that he doesn't think I should stay here, in this country. I'm not quite sure what he was really trying to get at. Half the time he asks me questions that I answer without really knowing what the hell he's talking about and then I kick myself for not asking him to clarify. Sometimes I feel like telling him to talk to me straight, but I never do.

He's moved into a new house with his gf. I don't know what to think about that.

On the other hand I saw Blackbeard today and slyly managed to get both his private and work email. I think he was a little surprised since he hesitated and then outright asked me if it was for work. I'll never use it, I did send him some work info this eve but haven't heard back yet.

As for Rob, I have heard very little from him. I've been dreaming about him and wanting him a lot these days. I miss him terribly. I ache for his contact, it's quite literally painful at times.

So much

2011-09-24T23:11:00.001+02:00

I've been wanting to get back to this blog for so long I don't even know where to start....

After getting back from the North America tour I worked intensely (without co-worker) for a week and then my sister came to visit for a whole week. Next week I will be working intensely again with co-worker...

I've had a great time with my sis, but I have also been aching for some contact from Rob. I have gotten back in touch with a my best friend from home and this time round we've been talking intensely about sex and online lovers. And she has recently started her own online affair of sorts and therefore we've been talking a lot about our sex lives in general. She even asked me specific questions about communication styles between Rob and I, so I ended up re-reading texts and emails and Skype conversations. I went over the stuff from London and with all that, I admit I was feeling a little high.

It's such a relief to have someone that I can actually talk to about this. It's been so long that I've actually had a physical person other than Rob to talk to about all of this.

Problem is that since I've been talking about it all for the past few days... well week I guess, I feel totally ready for some action... and it's just frustrating because there is none! Not from ANY angle... whether bf or Rob or Co-worker... so yeah, I'm a little horny to say the least.

On a completely separate note.....I am very very sad to say that it seems that Johanna has decided to leave us. I tried so very hard to convince her to stay. But she says her blog may have reached a natural conclusion... I am still hoping she doesn't leave completely.

It's so sad when I see the birth and death of blogs... I get attached to them, the people who write them and then I have to learn to let go.

I'm looking forward to Monday with co-worker.... hopefully I'll get to see him. They're doing construction at our workplace so we're working between two studios and yeah it's going to be kinda hectic, we might end up working in separate places. grr... that would suck.

Blackbeard's story

2011-09-15T22:51:00.000+02:00

I am, to put it lightly, exhausted. As soon as I got back from the great NA trip I started work. The day after I had lessons, the day after that I went in to work, and after the weekend I started working full time (I normally work part time) plus lessons after work.

I have not had time to do anything except pass out at 9:30 in the evening if I make it that late, since I'm jet lagged, and wake up between 4:30 and 6:30 am, again due to jet lag.

There are two positive things that I get out of all of this. My work studio has moved temporarily to a location right in town which is closer to home, therefore a shorter bike ride to work in the morning (not that it was that long to begin with). And secondly I get to see someone that I've mentioned a few times in the past relatively often now. He is a guy who works in the same field as me and is super cute. He is married with one kid, and I just found out he has another on the way.

I mentioned him a while back because I would ride past him on my way to work on occasion and never recognize him, he always recognizes me since he is always changing his facial hair.

So anyhow, this guy, who we might as well name (although I'm sure I'll forget what I named him and I'll end up renaming him something completely different down the line) let's call him, Blackbeard, works near where my temporary studio is. And I've seen him and talked to him a couple times this week already. It's kinda since every time I see him he says hi. But he also has this habit of actually stopping to talk. So as I was coming back from the supermarket after lunch yesterday since I had a craving for Lindt 85% chocolate, and as I walked towards him I held the package out (with my mouth full) offering him some. He gladly took some (lots) approving greatly of my choice and asked if I wanted some rum.... ok so it was afternoon, but just barely, and the work day wasn't over yet. I kindly refused, but asked why he'd offered, and apparently rum and chocolate go well together.

After all of this, I must say that I get tongue tied in front of cute guys, I really can't function properly. And I ended up saying "I'll have to find that" rather than "I'll have to try that".... poor me. I wish I could be cool and calm and exude sexiness and confidence... but that's not the case.

That's the end of a pretty useless story.... I know. It's kinda boring. But I do have this to say in my defence: this is my blog and I can write what I want.... ok no, what I'd really like to say is that I wonder if he will become a more prominent figure in my daily life. I guess I'm hoping he will.

Dreams and reason(ing)

2011-09-14T22:50:00.002+02:00

So I had a dream the other night. It was the weirdest sexual dream I've had in a while. Keep in mind that I'm still jet lagged and therefore have these sort of waking dreams that turn into full dreams and then mutuate because I'm half awake again.

I was very turned on before going to bed and was hoping to sex bf up that eve but he fell asleep before I could get to him. But in the wee hours of the morning as I was drifting in and out of sleep I started circling my clit. I got this mental image of my clit getting erect and from there it grew into an almost full sized cock... ok to be honest it wasn't full sized, but it was long enough that I could actually hold it in my hand.

I have always wanted to know what it feels like to have a cock. And I think I know now. It was kinda cool. I think I have penis envy a bit... I don't have a brother, but my best friends as a child were always boys and I think I must still have some of that left.

I had some pretty passionate sex the next morning too, it was good of course, it always is when I start it... I feel horrible saying that, but bf just doesn't do foreplay very well. The rest works just fine.

I have however, come to the conclusion that I will be leaving him. I just have to do it. I've talked to way too many people who have talked me into it. And I've heard the same advice so many times now.... but one thing that stood out was this: "If you don't see things getting better in the future, get out now on your own terms, don't wait longer than you have to, it'll be better for you and him. The faster you move on, the faster he can move on and the better it will be for the both of you".

I know. I'm sure I've heard this before, I'm sure someone here has told me this or something along these lines, but this time it hit a chord.

I have a terrible schedule in the next few weeks. My sister is coming to visit next week while I have a week off work and the week after that I'll be working full time again. I'm not sure when I'll manage a break up and move, but I'll have to. I really feel like it's time to move on.

I've been getting back in touch with my best friend back home recently and she has started a sort of illicit correspondence with one of our huge high school crushes that we both had sex with before she got married and I moved out here. She has been sending me copies of both of their emails and I find it fascinating.

The thing that struck me the most was the fact that both he and she call their partners the sun and moon in their lives. I honestly don't feel that way about bf. And I wish I could. I honestly don't think that I love him as much as he deserves to be loved. And if I think about it enough, I may even feel a bit guilty about staying on so long.

On a completely different note, I'm liking the new interface for Blogger, have you guys tried it out yet?
It's something like what Wordpress has got. It does seem a little easier to get around and generally see everything.

Back to work

2011-09-10T23:43:00.000+02:00

On my last few nights in the States, while in bed and dozing, my mind would wander to co-worker and of course Rob. The whole situation seems strange to me now because the focus of this blog has been on Rob for so long that I've almost created a double personality in him... I mean it's like he's actually rob and his real self at the same time... does that make sense?

Anyhow I digress... I wanted to say that my thoughts tend more towards co-worker these days than Rob. I think it must be because Rob is sort of there... I know he's there and he won't go anywhere. I've finally understood that and I don't worry anymore about where we stand. I love this new level. It's reassuring and safe and sexy because I can still have my fun with him, he knows exactly what I like what I want and he gives it to me wholeheartedly.

On the other hand though he occupies less of my thoughts.

I was almost worried about going back to work, worried about seeing co-worker, excited I guess too. I missed him. He sent me one or perhaps even two texts throughout the whole trip. The last one said something to the effect of "how's it going? take your time to think. There's no rush"....And I still have no idea what it means. I must have mentioned to him that this trip was sort of a pivotal point for me, that it would be a decision breaker of sorts. But I don't remember telling him. Things get to be such a blur after a while with all this stuff going on. I wonder if I wrote about it in one of my posts about the trip to Greece.

Anyhow yeah, I went in to work Friday and had butterflies every time he came near me. It was frustrating because often I couldn't really function in that state. I would crack stupid jokes and I felt stupider. I have to keep my head on.

We got a chance to talk after work for 5 minutes, I wanted to go to lunch with him, but it wasn't possible. He is leaving for a holiday next week and the week after, so it'll be another 2 weeks before I get to see him... There are just so many things I want to talk to him about. Sooo many. It's frustrating with all this technology around that I don't feel comfortable contacting him on an email. I'm worried his gf will see it.

sex on the trip.... or lack thereof.

2011-09-09T14:56:00.000+02:00

Ahhh the trip.... back to the trip.

So we had a lot of good times together on the trip. It wasn't all pain and arguing. It was pleasant a lot of the time.

We did have some difficulties around sex, there wasn't a lot of it. And there are various reasons why:

We had sex in NY when we first arrived, a beautiful hotel room helped a lot I think. Then we had the dreaded argument and we stopped.

Then we were in Toronto sleeping in my cousin's living room and there was no personal space what-so-ever. So that was that.... 5 more days.

Then I got my period and well, he doesn't want to have sex with me while I'm on my period so blah... that went on waaaay too long probably 2 weeks. Travelling will do that to me.

Then when we finally had enough privacy to have more sex and I was off my period, we had another MASSIVE argument and I was in tears for a day and a half, partly due to the argument, partly due to the stress of going back to my home town where I grew up and where my mother died (and I hadn't been back there since she passed away 6 years ago), not to mention having seen and spent time with all my best friends and having to say goodbye to them.

Sooo Then we went to Vegas and had more sex there, and then I was back on my period and that was the end of the trip so to speak.

On our last night in the States, bf and I had been to a friend's birthday party, we both drank and smoked a little weed. We had a pretty good time, although we'd been arguing a fair amount during those days. When we got back to the apartment though he said that he needed to go to the washroom, and he went in with the computer as he sometimes does. After a good while... I was packing and wanted to show him something, so I went towards the bathroom calling out to him asking if he was alive, as a joke. He kept answering yes, but I guess he didn't expect me to just open the door. He stood up from the toilet, and looked at me and said "are you crazy??" and I said, "Oh! did I startle you?" and he said "yeah", as he started to sit down again, and as I was closing the door (because I didn't get it too far open in the first place), I noticed he was hard! AHHHH indeed, he was jerking off in the bathroom.

So I just continued to close the door, pretended not to see anything and went on with my business. He may have noticed that I saw, or not.... who knows. But it was definitely a first. I had no idea that he jerks off in the bathroom, or maybe it's a new thing, since he got a laptop. I also kinda felt sorry for him... It's also the kind of information I didn't want to know. I could use it against him in arguments now and I'm worried I'm going to say something if I get really angry at some point.

I walked in on another bf years ago who was jerking off and I got totally upset, and couldn't understand why he didn't just come to me for sex. But this time I'm half glad to have found out that he gets himself off when he needs to.... I just wonder what kind of porn he watches. The "history" is set to not remember anything on that little pc that we take travelling with us. So I can't even go see.

There are times when I honestly think that bf might be bi or at least interested in men. I can't put my finger on it, but there are little things that make me think this on occasion.

North America trip

2011-09-08T16:15:00.000+02:00

Hey everyone in blogger land!!

I'm back from my 7 weeks in North America!

It was crazy. In every respect, and I apologize for not writing. It was a busy trip.

We did a sweeping tour of the States and Canada. I went home to visit some remaining family and I went to visit many friends.

Bf and I didn't get along all the time. We had quite a few terrible arguments. I thought this trip would help me understand the relationship but so far I'm feeling the same as when I left. I hope that things will get clearer as I try to work through my feelings on the blog. I do feel a little more objective though and here is what I've understood:

I have understood that the massive arguments come under stress and fatigue. I understand that they accumulate when we can't talk about them or don't. While we were travelling we were with people almost 100% of the time so it was difficult to argue or to work out minor problems.

But the big arguments are horrible and I'm not sure it's worth staying with someone when we are so incompatible in terms of communication. During those arguments I threaten to leave him sometimes or vice versa he threatens to leave me, but I really do wish at those times that I could leave him at those times.
When we are on better terms, I feel like he is important to me, that he is an attractive man, but I am not attracted to him anymore.

The sex that we have is always good (I always reach orgasm), but I am not into it. His seduction techniques haven't changed in over a decade and are just not working on me anymore. Although his foreplay and sex style have changed a little and that is a good thing. He knows exactly what I like. We are in tune in terms of sex.

My friends and family tried their best to make him feel comfortable and at ease, they were constantly looking for things that he would enjoy doing. He didn't understand that most of the time. He didn't see it. When he did notice it was only in circumstances where the people were physically doing things for him, like laundry, driving, physically taking him places etc... He didn't notice if they were trying to cater to his restaurant tastes, or trying to understand what kinds of activities he was interested in, or what he might have liked to see on his holiday.

The trip was catered to him. I did very little of what I really wanted. I saw the MOMA in NY and that's about it. I dragged him to various museums that I thought HE might be interested in like the natural history museum in NY and my home town, the Exploratorium in Sand Fran and other such things. He did enjoy them, but he automatically thought that I wanted to see them, but he didn't understand until the end that I was taking him there for his own benefit.... not for mine.

Ok.... that's enough analysis for today.... I will be back with more soon.

Home 1

2011-07-31T06:12:00.000+02:00

Ok so I made it back to my birth town with bf. Forgive me for any typos as I am writing from my new iPhone. I did say I'd get one. Yay!
The trip has been going better than expected. Bf has been behaving mostly well. I got to see my grandma and my sister, bf is not my sister's biggest fan but he isn't causing too much difficulty. I just know that things could be easier with a native English speaker. Or at least if bf could speak English.
I will update again soon I hope. I am missing the blog world a lot.

New York

2011-07-25T03:38:00.000+02:00

How long have we been away for? 4 days?.... yeah well we already got into a massive argument. Things started out ok, we even had sex on our first night in NY but heck... this is not good.

I don't get it. We were under some stress because we got off to a bad start here, the people who were supposed to host us backed out at the last minute... like 11pm on the night before we were leaving home. And luckily they got us a hotel but only for 3 nights and we had to find our own hotel for the rest. We got screwed over by an internet company for hotel bookings, and so there was a stupid, who's to blame game going on yesterday. I was right... bf recognized that afterwards, but in the meantime he told me that I was "completely crazy" and that I should be in a loonie bin. Which I got upset about because I didn't think it was necessary to use insults.

Then our friends took us out to do some sightseeng and were asking him questions about what he wanted to do and see, and he honestly hadn't looked into anything before coming here so he didn't really have any answers. But they kept suggesting things. I was translating everything of course, and they kept asking him questions about what he wanted to do and then he blew up at me saying that why don't I tell them what I want to do he obviously hadn't understood the situation... it was uncomfortable, because they were trying to be nice and it sounded like he was getting angry at them. So they ended up not saying much else on the topic after that.

On the up side I got an iPhone... but I don't have a sim card for it yet so sadly I can't use it.

We have another three days here, we'll see how it goes.

Puzzle solved?

2011-07-20T15:41:00.001+02:00

I've had a little opportunity to think in the past day or so. And I may have figured the whole thing out. The whole story with Co-w is getting clearer by the day. I think that I probably knew what was going on, but I was trying to ignore it since I had just gotten back from London with Rob.

A few points first:

- What happened in Greece feels like an unfinished symphony to me. It was beautifully intense, possibly morally worse than sex and I regret not having sex with him to a degree... but not completely. It feels rather unresolved though.

- He has been dropping all sorts of strange questions on me for ages, I'm talking months now. The majority of them were in Greece though and I answered him according to my mental state at that time which was confused because of my time with Rob.

The facts:

- He asked me if I was in love months ago (mentioned in a blog post... god only knows which one) and I said yes, but I wasn't referring to bf. He asked me again in Greece and I answered "sometimes" (referring specifically to bf this time).

- He told me about his dating mostly Tauruses and Virgos and hinting at the fact that I too am a Taurus.

- He kept insisting on the fact that we have such "a great energy together", within the same context as dating Tauruses and whether I was in love with my bf, same conversation.

- He asked me at least twice in greece (maybe another 2 times in Italy) why I had run my hands through his hair the night of the concert. Once I answered because I just wanted to, and the other because I wanted to tease him. At the second answer he got all reactive and said .... "oooh, now see, that's the kind of answer I was expecting". That second question was while we were in bed on the last night there. The first answer hadn't satisfied him.

- When talking about having sex while in Greece. He asked me quite seriously if we should, and I answered no because "it would be too easy" meaning that it was too obvious. His answer to that was "what? Would it be more challenging in the bathroom at work?" As if to say, better to do it here.

My conclusions:

I think I misread everything. I was totally convinced from the beginning that he didn't want to get into anything with me. There were two things he said that gave me that impression.

- One: at the airport when he said that he was in love with his girlfriend and that he didn't want to get into anything but adding that we were all adults and we are all capable of handling situations.

- Two: in Greece when he said that he's a bastard because he tends to lead people on without actually having a reason to.

Ok, so those are two huge statements against all the pros up top. But please tell me if I'm missing something, doesn't it sound like he's been trying to figure out whether I'd be interested enough in him to drop bf? See... all the puzzle pieces make sense to me now.

I feel like I should outright ask him. Tell him that I'm slow at understanding things. I won't of course go ask him something like that. But this feels kinda big to me. I think I knew it deep down in my gut while we were there. But I was afraid of getting more confused, making my situation worse. I probably was ignoring most signs. But I should have hashed it out directly with him there rather than ignore things and try to piece them together later.

I think his last comment, the one about "going to hell" was that he now feels like I've been leading him on.
And my text saying that I miss him probably confused him, making him think that I'm in love with him. Which is why he told me not to send that kind of message anymore.

I am slow at this kind of thing... I feel kinda dumb really in a certain sense... it seems rather obvious. But on the other I still have my doubts. Huge ones.

____________________________________________

I leave for NY tomorrow. I haven't been feeling well, perhaps due to all this thinking. I've been getting minor panic attacks, a three day headache and an upset tummy.
I dreamt about co-w early this morning and woke up feeling unsettled, he had sent me three emails that I wanted to read. I woke up before I could see them. I was sure there would be a love letter among them, admitting all his love for me. I can't get him out of my head and I was tempted to text him today telling him to get out of my head. I still have 2.5 hours before he gets off work... I could still do that. But it's probably not such a good idea.

I will be travelling for 50 days and I don't know how often I'll be able to update. There are portions of our trip where we won't have internet, and other portions where we will have unlimited access. Please forgive my absence!

random thoughts

2011-07-19T18:57:00.000+02:00

I just realized that if I put my birth date in my profile I don't actually have to update it every year.

*brought to you by one sentence posts, like on Facebook*

Go to hell.... or something.

2011-07-18T20:16:00.000+02:00

Something happened at work today that has me thinking. It's something that normally wouldn't have me thinking but after Greece things have changed.

The background you'll need is this:
While in Greece Co-worker would often tell me to "go to hell" (which translated correctly should be more like a "fuck you" in English, but the closest easiest translation is go to hell) in a nice friendly joking way. I think he used it when he would get frustrated or turned on by me in general. It generally went like this: "Cande..... go to hell" followed by a smile, and then I would let some time pass and I would say "Co-Worker.... go to hell" and smile. One rather important episode was the night before we slept together when I was tempted to stay in his room, and he sent me to mine. I reluctantly left, came back for the bottle of water where he grabbed me and held me there and then let me go again. When back in my room, I called to him saying "co-worker" (wait for his "yeah")... "go to hell". And he laughed and said, "yeah, you're right".

Today at work he told me to go to hell (and it wasn't the first time since we got back that he has). And I said "thanks" with a smile. And then I answered, "you too though". And his response was "I've already been... I followed you".

Now what the heck is that supposed to mean?
I'm pretty sure it has a double meaning, because after certain things he'd told me while in Greece I learned that much of what he says has a double meaning or hidden meaning. But I can't tell if he meant it in a good way or negative way.

I'm having a hard time getting him out of my brain. A really hard time. I constantly want to email him or text him or anything at all, but I always resist. It's terrible. I want to ask him about music that he had on his ipod that I'd like to know more about, I want to borrow a cd of his to copy the music onto my ipod, but I never get the chance to ask him in person and I fear doing it via email, afraid that his gf might see it and flip.

ARG.... how frustrating.

Repost HNT

2011-07-15T00:16:00.000+02:00

From 2009, Hold oN Tight
I really need to get back to actually TRYING to do nice HNT pics... I just have so little time.

Frenzy

2011-07-15T00:12:00.000+02:00

The meeting with Rob today had me in a frenzy. Three orgasms and I could have gone on for 10 more. I only get like that with him. My body just doesn't want to let go of it or something. My clit gets hypersensitive and I reach a series of climaxes... It's not my usual sort of orgasm. I usually collapse and run out of steam after my quiet "alone" orgasms. These are different, they just build and keep me going.

We talked quite a bit before having any fun and he admitted that he has stopped reading my blog. He said that he didn't need to know what was going on in my head. I don't blame him. Especially since the co-worker stuff has been going on. I am a little disappointed though, I liked knowing he was reading and knowing what I thought.

He said he made a conscious decision to stop. I'm assuming it won't change, but I wouldn't put it past him to give it a peek while I'm off on my North Am trip.

When I don't see him for a while I forget what it's like getting off with him... I mean that I can almost do without it. But once I get a taste of it I just want more and more. I know I've said it a million times before, but I love the look he gets on his face when he watches me. I love watching his face after and during and the whole time. Today he got his cock out during my second round and came with me, he's on his iPhone so it's awkward for him to hold and the line went down by mistake just as he came. I continued onto my third orgasm and then he called back half way through that and just watched me, then he ordered me to stop touching, otherwise I'd have gone on for another 10 rounds.

I was looking through some old HNTs today too. I really need to get back into doing some good ones... Perhaps I should repost some for those who are new here... although I'm not sure how many "new" readers I have out there.... Anyhow I think I will repost. I have a favourite :)

I don't get it...

2011-07-13T15:03:00.000+02:00

I don't get it.... I really don't.
So today at work Co-worker said "don't send messages like that" and there was no smile on his face. I immediately smiled and said sorry, but I thought he was talking about the first one the one about having water in my ear, kinda poking fun at him. But he wasn't. He was talking about saying that I miss him...
I mean wtf?
He said that it was a bit heavy to say, making gestures towards his stomach, as if I had hit him or something. And I just answered that it wasn't meant like that, that it was just a general feeling, after 7 days of constant contact. He just said, "I know, but you don't say that you miss me, you say that you're thinking of me or something".
I mean really what is up with that??
I'm just assuming that it's a cultural thing. Maybe saying "I miss you" is more of an indication of being in love than saying "thinking of you".... I'd have said the opposite... But then again I'm not italian.
In any case no harm done, but I do feel like I got punched in the stomach today with that comment. It's frustrating, because I was feeling relieved to have gotten it off my shoulders, and then I get knocked for it.
Hopefully my trip will give me perspective on everything. We're leaving next thursday and time is just moving waaayyyy too fast for me. I can't keep up with work, people, blogs, and packing which I haven't started but have been thinking about for weeks....

back on track

2011-07-12T22:45:00.000+02:00

So while I was in Greece, that night I spent with Co-worker, the excuse for me to go to his bedroom was that he had water in his ear and he had heard me talking about a diving technique used for when you get a sore ear from the salt water. You can take a spoonful of very warm water mixed with half vinegar and pour it in. It dissolves the salt and dries out the ear and disinfects.
Well since we didn't have any vinegar in the bungalow where we were staying I had to make due with Gin. I figured it would work just the same.... it did work too.

This afternoon while I was at the beach, and Co-Worker was working, I got up the courage to text him saying "Help! I've got water in my ear, have you got any gin ;)"
He wrote back saying "Ehhhhhhhh..."
Now that's a really Italian sound and the meaning totally depends on the intonation. So I wrote back "Sorry, I'm at the beach and it just popped out, it won't happen again, delete everything". I was hoping he was doing a sarcastic "Ehhhhh" in which case my message would have been sarcastic as well...
Instead he thought I was being serious, and he wrote back saying, "no you misunderstood, that was meant in as a sigh of good."
So I wrote back, "and mine was sarcastic, but you know I kinda miss you, it's strange".

And that was the end of it. I didn't hear back from him... hah. Anyhow I'm glad I have it off my chest. That's all I wanted to hear from him to ease my anxiety... the "sigh of good" was exactly what I needed to hear. And I needed to tell him that I was missing him... that's it. I'm happy now.

Rob has been super busy, I got an email from him today saying as much and that also put me at ease. I hate not hearing from him, it puts me on edge every single time.

I'm back to loving men again as I always do.

On that note, I'll say that the construction worker lended me a lovely invisible hand one afternoon last week, it was a wonderful fantasy.
While I was in Greece they almost finished the road work they were doing here and I was afraid I'd never see him again. But the monday after I got back, as I was leaving for work, I searched the street to see if I could see him and alas he was no-where to be seen. But then I went past their truck and there he was. He wasn't wearing his usual green monkey suit, he was wearing a different one and I didn't recognize him right away. But he smiled at me kindly and said "morning" and I smiled back and said "Hi!" all excited, and then sped off on my bike. It was the first time I'd seen him smile, almost happy to see me I'd say. The other mornings it was more formal, no smiles, just courtesy saying hello.

I haven't seen him since unfortunately, that must have been the last morning. But when I see construction I look for him.

Going backwards

2011-07-11T18:58:00.000+02:00

So Today is Monday. I actually texted Co-worker yesterday at around sunset saying how much I'd like a Mythos (greek) beer and a pack of Doritos, because that was our staple afternoon food while in Greece. And he answered something like "no kidding"...

So Today I went in to work, everything is normal apart from the ridiculous heat. It's like 40 degrees here or something. But I didn't get up the courage to ask Co-worker how things were with the gf. I did however ask my other co-worker who knows him better than me, and they had had lunch together so I figured she knew. Turns out they're back together.

I think he wanted to tell me, but it didn't come out. I'm not sure why really. But he did ask me how I was at one point today and I said "good and you?" and he just said "good" I think he was expecting me to ask about his gf maybe, but I didn't.... I was shy, and I hate talking about stuff like that with people around.

Anyhow I feel like things are regressing. I was hoping that things would go back to normal since we're back at work, but I think the breakup set us both back and scared us into remission. So yeah we're at a stalemate or something.

As for other news. There isn't any really. I was hoping to meet up with Rob this past week, but I was busy, he was busy and then left his phone somewhere so no meeting up.

I am leaving on the 21st of July for New York and then a tour of North America. I'm not looking forward to it, I'm not sure why, but I'm not. I kinda wish bf weren't coming in some ways. But oh well, I'll manage. I have also been off on so many trips recently I can't bear the idea of packing again. I have no idea what to pack.

I'm slightly frustrated with everything and I just wish I could hide in a cool dry home with airconditioning and paint or something.

I'm frustrated with all men at the moment so yeah... that's how I'm feeling sorry boys!! xoxo

patience and excuses

2011-07-09T17:49:00.000+02:00

I have to learn to be patient.... I hate it though. I want to text co-worker. I want to ask him how things are with the gf... I want an excuse is what I want.

Dark room and Blue windows.

2011-07-08T16:59:00.000+02:00

In that dark room with blue beams, on a bed with boards that wouldn't hold. A pale blue light filtering in through the small, shiny blue framed window, open to let the sickeningly sweet evening air into the bedroom. A sheet to keep the chill off, after a day in the sun the temperature of my skin contrasting that of the evening air to the point of goosebumps. My skin heating the space under the sheet above us, letting off all the afternoon sun.

Mind wanderings to things said, trying to understand, trying to resolve as if they were pieces of a puzzle to put together. Wondering whether the resistance was worth it. I had said that no-one would believe us when we got back, I was right.

The early morning with just a tank top and a pair of turquoise panties, the sheets get thrown off dramatically, you admire from your pillow, caress, your cool hand on my skin causing me to shiver. Sliding it up my thigh, over my hip to my ribs. My arm tightening near my breast for fear of going too far, not letting you in, you slide back down.

You refuse to let me touch you, you whisper to me that you are in charge of caresses, pushing my hand gently away.

Your hand moves to my face, moving the hair from my forehead. My eyes open to find you staring into me, through me, it's too much to handle so I close them again. But I can feel them burning into me and I am tempted to open them again, but again I can't resist and I turn away. We speak, we talk about something, what was it? Maybe about what we're doing, I tell you that I don't want to cause trouble, and with a swift hand movement to your temple you tell me the trouble is in your mind.

HNT quickie

2011-07-07T15:56:00.000+02:00

I finally managed to get an HNT up! It's a quickie, nothing fancy, just me on a hot day :-D

feelings of guilt

2011-07-06T14:24:00.002+02:00

I had a long talk with bf last night. He started saying that he felt that I was being distant. HA! I wanted to laugh. But we discussed it quite seriously.
I told him that I didn't feel comfortable around him when he has accused me of breaking up co-worker's relationship.
I have tried my best to be good, to be happy and to ignore things. But last night I kind of broke down. I told him how I felt, I cried when I told him that I felt guilty for having accepted because that's what he has made me feel. And that feeling will not go away now. He apologized for having said that it was my fault, but the feeling remains.
I wanted to cry today. Co-worker looked a bit worried, he asked me if I was ok, I said I was tired. But when he said "you didn't get much sleep" I knew he knew that we'd had another discussion.

There is such a huge distance between co-worker and I that I'm also feeling the gap. We were skin close for a week, without being far from each other for more than a few hours at night and not being able to walk next to him or sit next to him with our arms touching is strange. Not to mention not being able to communicate freely with him. There are always people around and I don't feel comfortable sending emails or text messages.

Today he did seem happier though, still a little on edge but better than yesterday. His gf posted something on his fb wall today saying "so many memories", but he hasn't looked at his fb in ages... I don't know if they've started a mending process or not.

I talked to my father today and he said something that caught my ear that I hadn't thought of before. He told me not to look after bf while in North America. He said it was a lot of work. I didn't understand so I asked him to clarify. He said that when we went to visit my dad, my dad did his best to pull together all his Italian friends so that bf would feel comfortable. When I was back home last with bf (which was over 10 years ago now) bf behaved like a child refusing to do things or participate. I'm a little worried that things will be similar this time. So Dad is right... no looking after. Strangely people are already trying to find things for him to do, setting up outings and sports stuff to make him feel more involved....

Tearing.

2011-07-05T13:33:00.000+02:00

All hell has broken loose here. Co-W split up with his Gf on Sunday night. Bf has blamed me for it more or less, saying that I shouldn't have accepted going on the trip and by accepting I put everyone in a difficult position. Although we've talked things through, the guilt of their separation is on my head. I told Co-W this and he jokingly said, let's get a room, fuck our brains out, film it and sent it to everyone.
Co-W is angry at all our friends because everyone has had their say in things. He's furious with his Gf because she behaved immaturely saying that while he was "working (having fun)" in greece she was out partying and having "a lot of fun" on her own. So he went and broke things off with her. He smashed the gifts he had bought her on the floor in front of her and threw 200 Euros worth of earrings in a river.
When I asked him today if he had spoken to her he said no... But there seems to be a sort of refusal on his part to talk about it. I don't know the whole story so I can't judge what went on.

I feel like I should write her on fb and tell her that she's crazy to leave him, that he loves her, tell her how whenever we were in town looking for souvenirs all he did was look for something to bring back to her. She was his only thought at certain times, he missed her on the trip. He would tell me how he wanted to be with his girlfriend. But I don't want to get in the middle of this, it's not my place.

I feel terrible. It sucks...

2011-07-04T08:38:00.000+02:00

Well well well... Yes I'm back. My week in Corfu is now over. It was a rather interesting week. I apologize I did not have internet as much as I expected. I only had unlimited internet in the morning while I was working and therefore always had people around hanging over my shoulders.

I hand wrote two evenings while there. But didn't have time to continue later in the week. I don't know whether to post what I've written since It's already typed up or whether I should just post a summary of the events.

Maybe here for everyone's sake I should just post a "brief" summary. I know that people tend to be afraid of reading long posts. But I may post them for myself.

Co-Worker and I started our trip out by a lot of talking, from the car trip up to the airport all the way to greece. It was never awkward or strange but we joked around a lot and had a lot of fun.

There was a moment in Athens during our 4 hour wait where he started talking about how his girlfriend was angry and he went on a little tangent about how he didn't want to do anything because he was in love with his girlfriend and contradicting himself saying that if something happened we are adults and can take care of ourselves. And again saying things like if we really wanted to cheat we didn't need corfu to do it.

For practicality's sake we stayed in a little bungalow together which was obviously a secret for everyone else. We had separate bedrooms and we were very good at just keeping separate. But obviously the touching, constant contact between us was there. Apart from when we were sleeping or working our arms would always be touching. For some reason we both needed that.

We weren't alone very often either, we always had the two women who organized the course taking us places, to the beach or to dinner. But there was a day where we took off on our own and we talked again... talked lots.

Now the one thing that I have to say about Co-worker that kinda bothers me is the fact that he talks about himself a lot. I think it has to do with the fact that he gets nervous and just starts talking and he can go on for quite a while. It's never boring I must admit, but it can seem a bit conceited.

When we talked that day things were slightly different yet again. I asked him why he had told me in google chat (a while back now) that he was a bastard. He told me it was because he likes to lead people on without any real interest. Which confused me quite a bit because I couldn't understand why he would lead someone on if there was no attraction whatsoever. But then again that same day he was talking about how he liked me, how we have a "good energy" together, we get along well and so on. So I was obviously confused.

Come Wednesday morning he woke up with a migrane and I played nurse, I sat on his bed and gave him a forehead massage to see if we could at least turn the intensity down. As I did that he would caress my arms, my face my legs.... things had taken a slight turn. The contact was more intimate that evening we left our doors open, he started coming out of the shower with just his towel, the energy in the bungalow had changed. We were both hoping for something to happen... not sex, just a more intimate contact. By Friday night I spent some time on his bed in the evening, just talking and we talked about having sex, but neither of us wanted to do it, but we both admitted to wanting it. And he sent me to my room... although I didn't want to go, I was reluctant. I went back to grab a bottle of water and he grabbed my arm and held me there. But I left again...

Friday he had water in his ear from the beach in the evening and asked me to try a diving technique on him to get it out, by pouring warm water and vinegar in. It gave us (ok so I think it was his excuse not mine) another excuse to sit in his bed together in the evening.

I stayed that night... I didn't leave his bed. There was no sex, not even a kiss. At all. But we both wanted to. There were a lot of caresses, a lot of talking, we talked about sex a bit, having it. I tend to be really shy about that kind of thing, I keep my mouth shut, afraid of saying something stupid I guess. It's not my language. But sleeping with him was almost identical to sleeping with bf. Legs intertwined, subtle snoring. But in the morning his hands were all over me, caressing, gliding up and down my body. Over my thighs, my hips, my tummy... up to my ribs and then down again. He threw the sheets off of me in the morning to see me. I was in my panties and a tank top. He refused to let me touch him, he said that he was in control. He made the decisions.

I admit that my libido was low, I think my mind was working overtime to keep it that way. He was hard that morning, I could feel him, my legs on his, or from behind, or wherever. I tried to keep away, he tried to keep away, we were good. I wanted a kiss sooooo bad though. I love kisses... almost more than sex sometimes.

And I think he understands me.. I think he knows what I like, I'm not sure how he knows. I did hint at liking pain and pleasure at one point. He spanked me hard one day at the beach and left a big red mark. And on the flight home, I was leaning over him to look out the window at one point and he grabbed my head to push it into his lap.... jokingly... not right down... just part way. Both his hands on my head though... hmm. He kept telling me to stop provoking him.

So that's the story. Today it's monday, I'm back at work today and I'll be seeing him. Things haven't changed.... or at least we are going to try hard not to make the change visible.

I'd better stop this here. It's long enough as it is. I'll post more details and thoughts in the next few days.

Hot guys and my dad.

2011-06-23T19:00:00.000+02:00

Two good looking guys on my way to work in the morning just make my day.

One is doing construction on the road I take, he wears a green monkey suit and he's probably in his 20s he says good morning to me every time I go by, and yeah, I go past there even if I don't have to... ok it's not like I make my trip that much longer, maybe 2 minutes, but still...

The other one is a guy that I've mentioned before. He works in the same field as I do and he's the one that a while back stopped me in the street one evening. Every time I see him though he looks different. He had a beard for a bit, then he had stubble, then none, then he's got his hair long, then short, Then with mirrored Raybans and then without... He ALWAYS says hi to me first and I end up flustered saying that I didn't recognize him. This morning though, he was standing where I was expecting him to stand and He had no beard but his raybans on and I recognized him and said hi first. He was talking to a pretty girl that wasn't his wife.
Without the beard he is HOT I mean the kind of hot where once you're far enough away from earshot, you say DAMN to yourself and this morning, on my bike as I whizzed by I smiled, covered my mouth (as I tend to do sometimes when I do something I shouldn't) and I said "damn he's hot" under my breath.

Today is Thursday, I wish I had an HNT pic... I like HNT. But things have been so hectic that I haven't had time to think of much. In fact there are emails I should be answering which I haven't gotten round to either. Perhaps while in greece I'll get to those.

Greece is around the corner. I had another argument with Bf yesterday that just got me so on edge. It's becoming a nightmare. I really really wish things didn't have to be so complicated. Sometimes I wonder whether I should give him any information at all. Keeping my mouth shut might make things easier... But I'm generally an honest person and I like to keep things clear so I'm stupid and tell him everything even if it makes life harder for me. My boss's sister is coming with us, they were supposed to go together and so she didn't give up her ticket and is coming anyhow. I thought it would make bf more comfortable. But it just brought out another argument so...bleh.... whatever.

I think my dad may have caught on that there's someone else in my thoughts. He told me today that if things don't survive with bf that I should try not to get involved with anyone else until it's over. It would make things so much more complicated. But I know that from experience and I told him that I didn't have anyone else.... I wonder now whether I should have told him about Rob. I'm really open with my dad. I'm sure he'd understand or at least listen and give me insight or advice. But I didn't tell him. I'm not sure why yet. But I'll be thinking about it, I want to ask myself that.

*Edit: reading back on this for editing I think that I'm afraid he'd convince me that Rob is a bad idea. My father has an incredible power of influence on me. I'd be afraid that he'd try to talk me out of the online relationship. Not that it would waiver me much but I'd have constant doubt... better not tell him.

the best part

2011-06-22T21:34:00.000+02:00

There's something about that look on his face when he watches me cum that makes me want to cum again and again. Ok so the words he whispers into my headphones, the sight of his cock being rubbed slowly by his thumb and fingers, the pre-cum dripping over the head, the sight of his tongue over the edge of his lips all drive me completely crazy. But what really does it is that look in his eyes, that smile, the nod. That's what makes me want more.
Last night was so good, was so fucking good that I had to cum another 2 times this morning. It doesn't help that I'm really horny these days. The heat is what does it to me. I get horny as hell when it's hot out. The tight clothes and short skirts, bikinis and all that jazz just make my libido double.

He said he was surprised that I'd even want to get back into doing cyber with him after meeting up. I don't think I could give it up. I don't think I'd give it up for anything. I think that if we lived closer, and we managed to see each other more often it might dwindle. But this is the next best thing to actually having sex. And perhaps after the meeting the cyber is even better. I can actually picture, taste and almost feel what he's talking about. I've been through the sensations before with him. I can perfectly imagine the head of his cock gliding past my lips, I can remember the taste, remember the sensation of his fingers and his cock sliding into me, remember his cum showering on me.

I must be getting over my verbal shyness a little too. I never did have a problem doing things on cam, but my shyness was always when I have to speak. With him, last night, he asked me to talk. I admit I didn't go on for hours, but my words did make him cum and that just turned me on even more. Even this morning, thinking back on last night, I got off partially on thoughts of the words I'd said and the knowledge that it was at least a fraction of what made him cum.

Greek news and Nightmares.

2011-06-21T08:17:00.000+02:00

So I went in to work yesterday. My boss was around but not really working as she is still very very weak and can't breath deeply without being in pain. She asked me officially if I would take her place in Greece and I accepted although slightly reluctantly as I have a wedding I'd like to be at and the fact that I'd be going with co-worker alone. I at least wanted to show my difficulties so that she would understand the situation.

I really do have mixed feelings (I may just be trying to convince myself of that) but I think I do. I had an argument, although a very tame one, with bf last night about it. I do not blame him in the least. I understand his jealousy and I understand his uneasiness. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.
I did however ask him if he wanted to come with us more than once and he refused. Last night he "joked" (as he called it) about coming but me paying for it. And the problem was that if he had told me right away that he wanted to come but couldn't afford it then I probably would have offered. But since he refused right off the bat and then comes back "joking" about me paying for it saying things like "if you really wanted me to come you'd pay for my trip" I just got angry and annoyed instead.

The fact that he expects me to pay for it rather than telling me the truth about not being able to afford it and suggesting we split it or something is really frustrating.

Apart from all that he understands that it's for work, he just thinks that I REALLY REALLY want to go and that I'm jumping for joy when I'm not. He says that I didn't even try not going, telling my boss that I wouldn't go. That is true but I know that my boss doesn't really have any alternatives. I really am not that at ease with the situation. But as is expected my feelings are mixed. I get to go to a greek island for a week to work half days and go to the beach and get paid for it all....

Co-worker's gf is also in a bunch about this, I don't blame her either. I wonder if anyone is going to believe us that nothing happened when we're both good and keep our distances.

I am not only anxious about having to go with Co-worker, but I'm also anxious about everything else the whole trip entails. It's going to be a stressful trip, with a lot of responsibilities. Luckily co-worker and I work very well together and listen to each other, we communicate well for work and are respectful of the other's ideas. So I'm sure it will be fine.

On a completely different note I had the weirdest dream last night... possibly nightmare. First of all I have been having dreams about Rob relatively regularly these days they're good dreams, very good dreams. But last night was a strange exception.

It was about meeting up online. We had organized to meet on Skype and we were cybering, when he knocks some fruit from a bowl onto the floor and it rolls away from the couch where he's sitting. The camera pans over to follow the fruit and I can see the camera crane in the shadows, the video gets shaky and then suddenly I can see the cameraman and audio boom. That's when I freak and close the laptop. My mind goes into a flurry not understanding fully but understanding something, and I have a new cell phone that for some reason is tracking his car or what the phone thinks is his car, and I'm trying to run away from the situation, running through a big city and running trying to catch him at the same time. I am expecting him to text me to explain but my cellphone is constantly trying to give me information on where he might be and I can't see my texts. And I'm desperate to hear from him hoping that he has some explanation, but deep down I know that he won't text or call.

That was at 5:30 this morning. I kept waking up and finally got out of bed at 7:30 after bf had left.

Cooling off.... or getting hot.

2011-06-19T13:19:00.000+02:00

Aw man it has been hectic here. I'm totally beat. We had guests over the weekend that just left this morning. I've been running around getting laundry done, dishes washed, beds remade and am too tired to think about lunch but I'm hungry.

I talked to my boss yesterday who confirmed that she won't be around next week so I'm on my own again basically, and she mentioned the trip to Greece as well. It looks like I'll be going.

All I want to do is lie down in the cool bedroom strip down and think about Rob. Bf is out for another 45 mins... maybe that's just what I'll do.

Pneumonia and Greece???

2011-06-15T18:55:00.000+02:00

My boss has pneumonia.... I've been working non stop, had to cancel private lessons these days too... I've got guests showing up tomorrow afternoon, and I can't even muster the energy to clean the house. There's so much that I need to do.

My boss has pneumonia and that's really a big thing for one massive reason. She organized a trip to Greece with Co-Worker to teach a mini 5 day course on one of the islands there. They were supposed to leave on the 26th to fly over. I'm pretty sure she can't fly that soon after pneumonia (if she recovers that quickly which is unlikely since she is an avid smoker), and this quite possibly will mean that I have to go with Co-worker instead.

Bf will not be happy if I end up going to a Greek island with Co-worker. And I am kinda afraid that the temptation will be strong... very strong. At the moment I don't really want anything to happen. I'm quite happy having kept my distance recently at work but the typical touching that we had in the past is slowly creeping back into our routine now that we're working so closely together these days.
I can't deny that I'm a little worried about it.

thanks

2011-06-14T14:17:00.000+02:00

Thanks everyone for such kind words. As much as you guys are reassuring, I know I was not really behaving properly. I do however have the possibility to blame my anxiety for some of it, which hits hard on occasion, and I have a hard time understanding when it's hitting and why. I don't recognize it when I should. I need to learn to figure that out and this last episode has helped me understand more. So next time, hopefully I'll be more aware.

Sunday eve things started to calm in my brain. Monday morning early my boss called up saying she was sick and I had to go in to work alone and do all the lessons she does with me by myself. It was hair-raising and difficult. I was exhausted by 5:30 having to deal with a group of 6 women all on my own from 9 to 5:30. At 6:30 I had a lesson until 7:30 and by evening I was so tired I didn't know what to do with myself.

I managed to crawl into the shower and crawl back to the couch to watch (the tail end of) Ethan Hawke play Hamlet dubbed into Italian, a very strange combination. But Ethan Hawke is cute so it was worth it.

My anxiety levels are much lower than the weekend luckily. I'm still really exhausted mentally and physically. Hopefully I'll catch up on rest a bit before my guests get here on Thursday, I want to be able to show them around a little.

coming down.

2011-06-13T00:03:00.000+02:00

The anxiety is wearing off. Whether that's because I got a much needed cyber smack in the back of the head from Rob telling me to pull myself together, or whether it's because I went out with friends for dinner (although I doubt it since they had me talking about london non stop). Or because I vented on here and got input or because the weekend is ending and work will take over my time again tomorrow. I'm also exhausted, anxiety and panic wears a person out. It's probably a combination of everything. Luckily, though, this type of crisis doesn't happen too often.

When they do take over, I feel like I'm going crazy, my mind starts working at an unstoppable rate. It's a horrible feeling. I just have to learn to ride it, figure out what I need to do in these situations. I painted today to see if it would pass, I finished the painting, but the feeling didn't pass. Probably getting out with friends would help more, but I don't have much of a selection that I can just call up at will. Today I was lucky.

I feel like I should apologize. I feel like a bit of a freak when I get overwhelmed like this. My reactions are all off, I can't think straight, I end up writing stupid things and risk doing stupid things. I really do need someone to give me a nice smack. I wish my best friend back home could have helped me today. She'd have been good at that but she had to work.

Anyhow, sorry for the freak show, and thanks for listening and helping.

You're right

2011-06-12T09:24:00.001+02:00

You are all right.

Johanna:
The problems were there from the beginning, and that's why I went online. I'm sure of that. But at the same time, I probably should have cut things off with bf long ago. Bf and I learned to live together, learned to love each other and have been through a lot together.
It is strange, there really hasn't been much of my real life relationship without Rob, so it feels like the two go hand in hand. Except in the past I knew how to deal with it better than now. I feel like things are getting out of control a little. No... I feel like I'm out of control.

I do need to be able to visualize a life where I feel that I am at ease and fulfilled, but at the moment I can't I don't know what I want and that's probably what I'm really feeling. It's probably just a total uncertainty.

I won't be taking Rob out of my life, I can't do that to myself or him, but I do need to get control of my actions and feelings.

Ebony:
You're right, I don't have a ring on my finger or any kind of real commitment except for bf's recent words. I have never felt guilty about anything I do online until I read that I may be the source of the lack of communication between us. I expect communication and honesty from bf while at the same time I have distanced myself from him. It has been like this since we got together, but at the beginning I was at least trying to communicate.

Lady Alexia:
That's exactly it. I need to pace things so I don't go loopy, I need to be ok with not getting things. I need to crave it less, expect it less and just be happy with what I get. It's like a roller coaster. Up and down and up and down... I feel like I need a little more control.

I feel like a freak a complete crazy freak. I'm not holding it together too well this weekend. Damn it.

confused

2011-06-11T20:14:00.000+02:00

This is a difficult post... I've written it and have been sitting wondering if I should post it... It feels wrong and right all at the same time.

I'm feeling really on edge today.
I went and read a few articles about online affairs and am now feeling confused.
My guilt may be setting in.... but it doesn't feel like guilt.
Online affairs are symptoms of a deeper relationship problem (and I already knew that). If I didn't have an affair would I manage things with bf better? probably.... (and I knew that too)

Here's a quick sum of things that I read:
Online affairs make you feel like your real relationship isn't enough.
It amplifies the negative qualities of your partner.
It forces you to withhold information, and therefore be deceitful and basically create a massive gap in communication with your partner.
The list goes on, and on...

Today I am feeling frustrated... really frustrated. So frustrated I feel like cutting all contacts. But I'm sure that won't happen. They make me feel too good. I find though that I'm seriously craving more and more contact. I think I need to back away. Because when I don't get the contact I need I get frustrated and anxious, it affects my mood more than it should... I really doubt this is healthy.

I need to concentrate on other things. I will make a serious effort to do so.... avoid email, avoid sitemeter... at least I'll try... for a while.

End of the week, with a priest, Rob and Studio searching.

2011-06-10T14:15:00.000+02:00

I'm exhausted.... it's been a really busy week. I haven't had time for much of anything. Next week should be slower, except that Thursday, Friday, Saturday I've got guests coming.

Things have progressed a little on the studio front. I've contacted a few places and found a couple studios at the price I'm looking for. The stupid real estate agent that quoted me the price before tax got back to me and told me that they'd be able to come down a little and managed to quote me 385 with tax. I said I'd think about it.
Today I even got called about bigger apartment freeing up. Bf and I have also been thinking of getting a bigger apartment instead of me getting a studio. So maybe we'll go see that next week.

As Johanna said in her comment, I probably need to think about this and wait until after my trip. I think the trip will help me sort things out in my mind. It will definitely be a test for bf and I.... definitely.

Bf has really been trying hard. I think he's paranoid of losing me. He hasn't said anything negative to me at all since our "talk". He seduces me whenever he gets the chance too. He calles me "my love" all the time now too... It's kind of out of character, and kinda strange. He spent 5 minutes just giving me little kisses this morning before going for his run. I was still sleeping, kinda and I wasn't really appreciating it. I didn't move away, but I wanted to. I knew it would hurt his feelings if I did, so I just stayed put.

He's even getting "creative in bed" which is ok, but it means that I'm not reaching orgasm as much these days.

I'm looking forward to the end of June because bf will be out all day. He's doing an intensive English course in a town nearby, he'll be taking the train out and will be out all day every day for 2 weeks. I'm so stoked about that, I will have my freedom. And I may even have a week off work during that time.... hopefully....

I'm probably getting boring and repetitive. I miss Rob. Although I've been busy during the mornings and have had very little time to think about anything. In the afternoons I find myself hoping to find an email or a hit on the sitemeter. I keep trying to find reasons to write him, and when I can't think of anything I just leave it be. We usually send about an email a day, just to say hi, and literally it's just a one word email. We've chatted briefly in the evenings via skype, no video, just a chat. He was exhausted one eve and I the other, so it was just to say hi.

On a completely separate note, I got called to teach a priest. I had to go to the chapel. It was awkward, I love churches, old ones, but this was an ugly new little chapel at the hospital here. And I felt like I was going to burst into flames or something lol. Anyhow the priest turned out to be a nice guy, friendly, and during my 2 hour lesson I even got the urge to confess all my sins to him... how weird is that? hah. Anyhow it's strange how minds work. I've never been a religious person, my parents didn't even baptize me. I am basically the epitome of the sinner I'd say.

2011-06-07T19:16:00.000+02:00

I honestly don't know what to think anymore.

I went to see that studio space/shop this afternoon. The place was nice. It's big enough to split into two parts, one for art stuff and one for lessons.
The stupid real-estate agent showed up and basically told me that the price she quoted me was before tax... that means an extra 20% to add to the price she originally quoted me. WTF? you tell me that once I'm there, four days after you've told me it costs 350?

I guess it's just not in the cards. Bf tells me to have faith in him and that he'll find something. But you know what, I'm still not really sure it makes much sense.

We're leaving for 45 days in July for North America, and won't be back until september. Then there's the fact that I'll be super busy this winter with all the extra courses I've been handed at the community college I work for. So I don't even know what I'd do with a studio that I'd just have to pay rent on, with so little time to actually use it.

It's a bit disconcerting. It feels like such a great thing to think about my own space.... but at the same time I don't know that it makes any sense.

I feel frustrated today. Even if things are going well with bf something tells me I need to move on.

Rob
I haven't really heard from Rob much today, I've sent him a few emails, but nothing terribly interesting. I still feel very strongly, I miss him intensely at times. Work has me busy so I have less time to think about him. But I get crazy turned on just thinking about him and other times I just want to hear from him, talk, hear his voice.
I think though that whether I like it or not, things are going back to normal, so to speak. The amount of contact we had is getting back to normal. As much as I don't want them to, the constant flow of emails and skype calls, that were constant while I had a week off, have subsided. I don't have much control over that so.....

How are things going?

2011-06-06T23:00:00.000+02:00

Well, I feel like things are back to normal to an extent. After painting (painting, especially watercolours, calms the soul) after a full day back at work, and after mouth-watering very sweaty, and extremely satisfying cyber with Rob last night I'm definitely less on edge than I have been in ages. I even have plans to see a little shop/studio tomorrow, and I already have ideas for a couple more paintings.

Bf has been making a real effort these days as well. He actually asked me questions about my mother and whether she taught me to paint, and how I learned to draw. He has never really been interested in that kind of thing. He even asked about the art show I went to see and has been showing interest in various things I like. We've been collaborating on cooking more too.

We organized some more details on the trip back home and even though we didn't agree on certain dates we didn't fight... we were even laughing at one point. He even wrote up a little calendar of dates of where we will be and when we move from one place to another.

Co-worker
Things with Co-worker were interesting today. He told me about a concert in July that he'll be going to. Prince will be playing a date and he asked me if I wanted to go. It's a birthday present to himself I think. And I pretty much know his gf will be going. He didn't tell me that, but I assume, and basically saw something on FB that confirmed it.

Co-worker also said something strange today, that struck me, but I didn't pursue it at all, not wanting to get back into the heavy flirting position I was in a few months ago. He said... ok, well I'm not sure he intended it as a question or an affirmation... he said something about me being humid. I'm pretty sure it was a question too, I think he asked if I was damp, but.. yeah I ignored it.

I was also distracted at one point today and he witnessed the result which was a simple mistake. And he came up and tapped me on the top of my head and said, "where are you today? Are you in love? tired? distracted?" And I answered "all of the above".

So that's how things are... I'd say it's ok for now.

Poppies

2011-06-05T23:39:00.000+02:00

It has been an interesting weekend.
Yesterday after talking with Rob for a bit and being sluggish and not very communicative his gf came home and I headed out to an art show opening that I had been invited to. I didn't really want to go at first, but I dragged my butt of the couch and went.
There were TONS of people there, but the show was amazing. It was absolutely spectacular. The woman is an amazing artist with just so much stuff. Water colours and mixed media. It was inspirational since I used to work a lot in watercolours. It was botanical stuff which I love.
Anyhow at the show I met up with a couple of friends and ended up at a culture festival where we had felafel and watched 2 and a half concerts. The music was excellent. And there were a lot of people there. I half flirted with a guy who wouldn't stop staring at me. Not because he was good looking, just because I could, he kept looking at my feet. lol... I guess he liked my new sandals.

Today on the other hand I painted all day. The show had my all worked up about painting again. So I did a little two piece painting of a poppy. Which I'll post a portion of below. I'm pretty pleased with it, It's been ages since I painted. probably 2 years or so.

Painting is a bit like having sex. I was thinking about it all day while I was painting. I may even write a little sensory description of it. It might be an interesting change from sex. heh.

I hate winning.... in this case.

2011-06-04T14:57:00.001+02:00

We didn't last long on that bet. I was aching to write him all day yesterday, but managed to stay away from the computer for most of the day. Between studio hunting with bf in the morning and forcing (I do not exaggerate) myself out of the house to an art show I wanted to see and then over to hang out with friends in the afternoon. I was in a terrible mood all day though, being really sulky for most of it but luckily he sent me an email later in the day that just said "you win", which I saw after dinner with friends. This morning we were right back at sending emails back and forth.

~~I think~~ he keeps me sane.
He makes things with bf bearable. That's probably not a good thing...

Today bf has been out of the house all morning doing the odd job that he does. And since he was up at 4:30 am he's back in bed for a nap before heading to his other odd job this evening. So I basically have the day and house to myself.

I happily finished my translation this morning with Rob's occasional emails to distract me. I cooked bf lunch and tidied the living room a little.
I played with a little spirograph I bought at a dollar store yesterday, I love spirographs. I'm thinking I should get another one, it had a different shape so it would make oval spirals. I might just walk back today and get it.

Studios

2011-06-03T18:47:00.000+02:00

I'm not having a good day. I'm probably in Rob withdrawal.....definitely in Rob withdrawal. But apart from that as much as bf thinks he's helping, he's not.

This morning we went out to try to look into a studio space for me. I wanted to go to one agency that I'd been to before about a place, but never got back to them. But bf convinced me to go to another one first. In this place the woman had a space that she wanted to show us, but halfway through talking, while she was distracted on a call, he told me that he didn't think it was the right place. She hadn't even told us what the place was like yet. I had to "politely" tell him that I wanted to finish the conversation before deciding and perhaps even see the place before making a decision.

He kept interrupting what I was saying to add his own comments about needing an extra room, about not having space at home and not wanting to spend a lot... It bugs me. Then he goes looking at empty shops on streets close to home that are HUGE and he says, let's call about this place. And I know it's going to cost an arm and a leg because big shops with windows on high traffic streets cost tons. And when I call about them because he insists, I'm always right and when the agency asks me how much I'm willing to spend they basically laugh in my face. ARRRGGGGG

He lectured me on how much money I could invest in this, on when I'd have to start rent from, on how much I could afford to spend per month, how I'd have to worry about parking, how I'd have to worry about neighbours and making noise if I'm doing noisy artsy things..... WTF?!? It's annoying.

I did see a small shop that might be within my range today. but I keep thinking how stupid I am to go spend 350 Euros per month on a studio plus my monthly rent to live which I'm paying 400 Euros per month into (that includes bills and stuff though). that 750 euros for everything. The place I was thinking of moving into if I left bf is 550 and I'd have room for everything............
This is why my dad told me that he thought my mind was made up.

The bet.

2011-06-03T10:06:00.000+02:00

We made a bet. Kinda... well we were in the middle of determining it when his gf came home. We were betting whether we could stay away from each other, emails, blogs, skype, texts until monday. I'll loose. I'm sure of it. I will try though, we probably need the break.

I'll probably end up posting every 5 minutes instead... I've already been posting basically twice a day already.

So Rob and I met up on line yesterday. It was..... HOT... yeah sweaty and sticky and dripping and just plain yummy.
I came three times, my arm and hand are still aching.

I had sex with bf last night too. It all started with me slipping bf's thumb between my lips and licking it lightly. It was residue from what I wanted to do to Rob. But this time with Bf apart from that I was able to concentrate on the sex with him. Only problem is that my orgasms are much less intense than they were. I'm sure it'll come back. But at the moment the physical memory, or rather my body's memory of Rob's cock inside me is too strong still. The way his cock filled me, how deep I could feel him, my body won't get over that too fast.

HNT sandals

2011-06-02T15:43:00.000+02:00

My new black sandals :-)

On a different note:
I'm going to start writing a compilation of the confirmation words I get on other peoples posts when I go to post a comment. I love them

Today I got SPERM on Johanna's blog.... I mean really! How the heck....?!? That was just awesome. I gasped in surprised and then laughed at myself.
SPITLERA was another worthy of note. It sounds like some saliva monster woman.

I think they should tailor them especially for the blogs that you're commenting on. Us sex bloggers could get all sorts of slutty words.

Catch 22

2011-06-02T00:35:00.000+02:00

Feel free to laugh and make fun of me. I am ridiculous.

Tonight I miss him like crazy. I wanted to send him an email but stopped myself. I'd already sent him god knows how many today. Writing it here lets me get it out, I know he'll read it and I haven't been so obviously obsessive.... except that now I've admitted it and I'm right back at square one.

I keep checking my email even if I know he's probably sleeping, I keep checking my sitemeter, and then something appears and I wonder if it's him that late. And if it is I feel like telling him to stop thinking about me, because it makes me think about him even more and miss him even more. But I don't really want to tell him that because then I wouldn't see his hits on the sitemeter and I'd be sad and miss him that way too. It's a catch 22 see.

Someone slap me... please.

Parents, lovers, regrets and understanding

2011-06-01T17:39:00.000+02:00

Lovers have a special bond I think. They open themselves and tell each other secrets that they wouldn't normally tell their partners. They are more intimate in many ways.

This sentence has very little to do with what I'm going to write about. But it did come to mind as I was thinking about this post, so it must have some connection.

I was talking with Floyd this morning and since he's going through a rough divorce with two kids he asked me about my parent's separation and how I felt about it.

It was a tough conversation for me. It was something that I haven't thought about in years and what made it more difficult was that the reason for their separation was that my mother cheated on my dad. I think I had blamed her for a long time and we were never close, possibly due to that, possibly because of other reasons. But my mother has since passed away (6 years ago) and I am only realizing now how she felt. And I am only now coming to terms with what went on. I have finally been able to put the puzzle pieces together. Between things that my father told me the other day about their relationship and what Floyd asked about today I have understood a lot.
The emotions connected to all of that are stronger than my body is willing to admit. I haven't cried yet, but I know I will explode at some point because of the pressure building inside.

I happened to read a passage in one of my mothers sketch books/ diaries after she passed away. She was not happy about getting pregnant with me. She was in another relationship (with my older half sister's father) and she had met my father. I was not a child that she wanted, but she stuck to the relationship anyhow. I think she felt that she was somewhat forced into the situation. (I wonder if she felt like I do with bf).

My father told me that people offset each other in different ways with different people, bringing different parts of their personalities to light depending on who they're with. My parents clashed. They were often arguing and I probably would have grown up in a healthier environment had they separated earlier.
And something that Rob has always said comes to mind as well: I'm looking to get caught.

All of this points me in one direction: I think that my mother was looking for a way out of the relationship with my father just as I may be doing now.

I have always sworn I wouldn't do as my mother did. I refused to be like her but I didn't know where to do the surgery. What I mean is I didn't know where the mistake was, I thought it was one mistake when in fact it was another. I blamed my mother for cheating on my dad, but that wasn't her biggest mistake. Her biggest mistake was getting into a relationship that wasn't healthy for her (and getting pregnant). As we get older I think we understand our parents, we understand their motivations and reactions to situations better. We go through similar situations and the only thing we can do is to hope to learn from them better than our parents did.

I have no way of telling my mother that I don't blame her. That's my only regret. I regret she didn't try to explain it to me. Maybe she didn't understand it herself. She used other excuses with me, but I was too angry to accept them, and they weren't sincere.

Maybe I am repeating what my mother did, but I can only hope that I understand it better than she did.

late night

2011-06-01T01:21:00.000+02:00

If I had a cock, it would be bulging and hard... I'm not a guy though, and I have a hole. It gets wet, and my clit often feels like it's going to explode, but apart from fluids, there really isn't much to show for being super horny.

Sometimes I wish I had more proof. There are times when I'm so worked up that I think I'll literally go insane. Today (basically yesterday now) was one of those days.

I had sex with bf that I mentioned in my post in the morning. Then I was supposed to be working on my translation and I was constantly distracted. By the time afternoon rolled by I had exchanged various emails with Rob and he had me so hot, so wet, so horny that I couldn't stand the feel of my jeans against my clit. Bf dragged me off to three shops and all I wanted to do was get on skype to have Rob fuck my mind silly.

I bought a pair of black strappy sandals with a little heel, very sexy...

Bf will not leave me alone. He's constantly nearby, constantly keeping close. We watched Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind"

Now that bf has gone to bed I want to get off, but I don't know how. I just want Rob's cock inside me.

I don't even want to watch porn. I feel like it might ruin the images I have seared onto my brain.

So here's what I do:
I pull up the pic of his cock... the one he sent me this afternoon. I can see his perfect head, the ridges and veins, his hand gripping the base, and the drop of precum barely visible on the tip.
I lay back on the couch and I undo my jeans, slip my hand in over my panties, but my jeans are tight. Pushing my jeans down to my thighs, I can open my legs just enough, my fingers work circles around my clit over the cotton. With my other hand, my fingers feel the wetness, the dip, the cave, pushing the fabric in, feeling it give. My fingers work faster, circles, my other hand sneaks in beside my panties, moving them barely to the side, to slip the tip of my finger in. The lips of my pussy part, ever so slightly. I can feel everything, in the most minute detail. I'm so sensitive it won't take long for me to cum. My fingers move from my clit to slip under, to touch myself directly on my skin, I'm ready, the contrast will be drastic. First to my mouth, I wet my fingers, then back to my clit. I gasp, all I need is the tip of my finger inside me at first, but then the picture reminds me of how he filled me, and another finger creeps in beside the first, and then another. My other hand working frantically on my clit, my mouth widens, my breathing quickens, gasping, trying desperately not to make noise, I moan softly, and my body convulses, head back, eyes closed, I try to calm my breathing, my fingers slide out of me, keeping my fingers on my clit I can't stop, the orgasm hasn't subsided, I can make it last longer if I move carefully.

I could easily go again...

Distractions

2011-05-31T12:10:00.001+02:00

Arg I'm supposed to be working on a translation, but I can't concentrate. My mind keeps wandering. I keep checking my email to see if he's written me back, I keep checking my sitemeter to see if he's been on the blog. Damn him for taking over my brain.... ok... no I love it... I can't do without it now.

Bf and I had sex again this morning. It was better, well more similar to what we've always done. And this time I got off. It wasn't a mind blowing orgasm or anything. It was nice though. I do feel a little guilty. When I have sex with bf I've always only thought of him fucking me. I've never ever voluntarily thought of anyone else. I find thinking about someone else during sex a bit low. I think that it can happen without you really wanting it, flashes of memory and such. But actually thinking of someone else to get off is not a nice thing to do. Today though, I did.

I was on top, bf was slowly easing in and out of me from below, it was sweet and soft, he was touching me all over when I grabbed his hand and placed it on my ass. He knows what that means. He eased a finger in slowly, and as I got closer, I didn't want to lose the possibility of having an orgasm. bf would have been worried if I didn't cum this time. I was going to loose it if I couldn't wrap my mind around it. So I pictured Rob forcing my head down onto his cock, that time when I was kneeling on the floor and he came all over me.

That was it, I came, that's all I needed. I wanted to grab bf's other hand to take his fingers into my mouth to help me, but when I grabbed his arm it ended up in the wrong place and I ended up drooling all over his forearm instead lol...

_________________________________________________

I wanted to thank my commenters John, Frenchy, Advizor, Johanna, and Ebony (Mike on occasion). You guys and any others who have commented on previous posts have really helped me. Each one of you has a pinch of advice or knowledge or insight that brings me a step closer to understanding. You guys are just as good as my dad, my best friend or any counsellor. The mix of you is perfect, it's a perfect balance. I don't know what I'd do without you guys. I don't think this blog would be much use to me without you. Forgive me if I don't answer you all individually every time though. Believe me I take everything you guys say and I store it, I use it, I process it.

Today I do want to answer you all though, because each of you has said something important:

John- Thank you for that insight. I've never been in that situation or conscious of being there so your experience really does help me understand what bf is doing. The situation has lightened in the past few days, but it doesn't mean that things don't need to change. We are moving along as if nothing happened instead.

Frenchy- Yes my dad is an amazing person, I should probably be bold and tell him that some day soon. I will try to go for it!

Advizor- You are right, sex is an easy area to change. He feels more comfortable showing emotions when he is having sex with me as well. But it's in the day to day things that things need to change. And I'm still not sure I feel comfortable forcing change on him. I need to figure that out.

Johanna- So much insight and so spot on (as usual) you and I see things in such similar ways it scares me sometimes. You're right, I will never be 100% sure of what I'm doing. You're right, I need to take the leap. You're right, I'll probably look back and wonder, and I'll never be sure if I made the right decision. Thank you for telling me that I don't owe it to bf to really give it my best, because that 's hard to hear and I think I needed to hear it and hear it said logically. I don't know what I want, I have no idea what I want. I think at the moment I just need to figure out whether bf is going to be part of that unknown future or not. That's why I need a counsellor, I need help figuring that out.

Ebony- I think you and my dad are both right, I have made up my mind, I just worry that it's not the right decision... I need to figure that out... I don't know where my guts are at the moment, sometimes they feel too close to my heart and other times they feel like their in my brain, I need to separate all of that and figure it all out.

Thank you all, thank you thank you thank you!

And I have new (and of course old) followers who are lurking, Thanks for reading, I love watching my daily views go up on my sitemeter. If I didn't have readers and followers this would be a pretty depressing place for me. I can actually come to my blog no matter how dire things are, and I can smile because of you all. So THANKS!

The Saga...

2011-05-31T00:47:00.000+02:00

Will it or won't it continue??

Ahh the questions of life...

I have been talking to my best friend back home and my dad and I even talked to Floyd on Skype today. My dad is the one that I can relate to the easiest, he has been telling me the same thing for years. "Follow your gut. If you feel like something needs to change, then that's what needs to happen, it doesn't matter whether you know what you want or not, that part will come naturally later".
He says to be true to myself. I answer, I'll try, he says, there's no trying... you just do it.
My guru father says that I don't have an internet addiction, "that's just bullshit" was his answer. But then again if I did have an addiction, his would be worse than mine.

I told bf that I wanted to go see a counsellor. It's not really part of the culture here, but I did go after my mother passed away years ago. And I went through a crisis and came out of it with her help. She said things that bf didn't like though. He asked me not to go. He asked me to wait to see how things go, try to find a studio space first. But I want to go now before getting a studio space. I don't know that I want a studio. If I do leave bf I want to have my own apartment and not a studio. I think he's afraid of what she might say.

My father said that he thinks I've made up my mind. He can see a certain decisiveness in me, in my choice of phrasing things. But at the same time I've told bf that I'd give it time.

Things with bf are ok. We laugh and joke and took a walk together today. But as my father said we'll probably go through an ok period, then we'll be tiptoeing around each other so we don't set each other off, and then we'll set each other off and we'll be back at square one.

He said that a person in my position doesn't really make it forward. Once you've started realizing that change is needed you can't really go back and fix what's wrong and be happy with it.

We had sex again today. Bf has been trying too hard. I don't think we've ever had sex like this before. He's got so much more confidence than he usually has. Today while I was on top, he grabbed my wrists and held them behind my back while he fucked me. I would normally thrive on that, I'd love it. I did like it, I just didn't get off on it. He didn't make me cum again. I just think he's been trying too hard. I even have a bruised pelvis... He let me make him cum again though, and as I said last time, it's sort of a first.
I get the sensation that all this is because he has, on some level, caught on to something... maybe he suspects I've been cheating... but I think it's somewhat subconscious. Why would his approach change so drastically otherwise? Or maybe he's just afraid of losing me and he thinks this is one way to keep me. I've always begged him to fuck me harder and to "take advantage" of me a little, and he has always refused.
Except now, I can't get off on it. I'm too preoccupied with other things, with whether I really want to be with him.

Crazy Days

2011-05-30T13:57:00.000+02:00

Wow things have really become crazy.

Bf and I had various problems this weekend and they finally came to a halt Sunday morning. We'd been arguing or on terrible terms up to then. But Sunday was the epitome of everything. We started fighting, and bf came out with a sentence he shouldn't have said I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore and walked away in tears. He came running behind me and that's when the dialogue started.

To be completely honest things are still a blur. I repeated the same things I had said in the previous discussion. I thought they had meant something to him that first time but he made me repeat them, he couldn't remember what I had said. I calmly and unbegrudgingly told him again. This time I'm assuming he heard me and understood because he asked me to forgive him, that he had made so many mistakes in the relationship, that he could change, that he would change. He asked me if I'd be willing to give him time. We could set a date and see how things have gone up to that point.

I don't really know what to think or feel. I felt terrible at first. Feeling mostly guilt for making it seem like he was the only one responsible for our situation. He's not. We are both responsible. But at the same time I think that he needed to hear those things and to come to terms with them without me giving him the loophole that I am also responsible. It would be my duty at this point to really give it my best and to really give it a chance. But I also realize that I may not have realistic views of what it should be. I've really had my true needs clouded for so long that I think they have become distorted.

We had sex after the discussion. I wasn't really feeling up to it, but I went along. He was passionate and very emotional. He kept telling me he loved me. The sex was different. It was him fucking me. That rarely happens, especially with that amount of force. He was on top, held my wrists to the bed, kissing me, but I wasn't feeling anything. I was crying. I have never cried so much during sex. The tears were streaming down my face. I don't think he noticed. Despite the fact he was on top of me, he didn't really look at me much. I ended up taking him in my mouth and I cried. The tears were from the argument, the fact that I was feeling uncertain about everything, and to boot images of Rob running through my mind. He let me guide his orgasm, it may have been the first time. He started to come in my mouth, but then he pulled out, and I don't have any idea why.

After lunch I fell asleep. I was exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally.

I woke up wanting to talk to someone so I started an email to Rob and half way through I received one from him. We ended up on Skype. We talked for more or less an hour. I obviously explained what had happened. But all in all he just kept my mind off things, made me feel better and kept me smiling. We talked about emotions, the past, meeting up again and how things have evolved.

I think that we have realized that perhaps we've been getting into this partially because we know it can't really go anywhere. Yet at the same time there has been a very drastic evolution between us over the years. I don't want it to end.

Saturday orgasms

2011-05-30T01:38:00.000+02:00

Rob was supposed to ignore me all weekend. He was supposed to play golf and forget about me for Saturday and Sunday. I found myself pouring my thoughts out to both Floyd and my best friend through emails about both bf and Rob. Without work to distract me I've been thinking about him constantly again. I got myself off twice Saturday morning thinking about him. I wake up and I've had dreams about it, I'm wet when I wake up. I tried to find my g-spot and couldn't and it was frustrating but I came anyhow. I just wanted to feel what he made me feel so badly I guess. But I wasn't getting it. Maybe I can't reach it.

The second time I didn't even try to find it. I just had to get myself off again.

Then this afternoon as I was emailing Floyd and my best friend, I got an email from Rob. He was just saying hi. We exchanged about 10 emails before I admitted to wanting to get off again. And he told me to go on skype so that he could help.

On Skype we couldn't cam so it was just him typing words, I was on the bed watching the words flow on the screen, his typical amazing one word after another list, bringing bright blinding flashes of images, memories into my mind this time. It was the first time he had gotten me off since we met up. It was crazy strong, so strong I was in tears by the end. I'm not sure what brought them on. They didn't last, but it was an overall outpouring of emotion probably.

He asked me when we could fuck again. It's too early to think about that. I can't think about that now. But I can't help it. I'd leave tomorrow if I could.

I had yet another orgasm while in bed next to bf. I was still hot from Rob's writing I guess. That makes 4 in one day.

Weird, Weirder, Weirdest

2011-05-29T09:28:00.002+02:00

Wow, when things get weird they really get weird.

I got an email today from an ex-boyfriend.

I'm not sure I've ever mentioned him. If I have, it was ages ago and no-one here will remember.

I have this best friend back home, when we were growing up she had this boyfriend who lived in another city about 4 hours from where we lived. I was dating a guy at the time who wasn't quite right in the head and to make a long story short, I broke up with him, my best friend broke up with her boyfriend and we swapped. I started dating the guy from out of town and she started dating the guy who wasn't quite right in the head. She ended up marrying the guy. And I stayed with this outatowner for about a year and then I called it quits.

Let's call him Floyd. While Floyd was dating my best friend he and I were actually corresponding hand written letters at the time, we had a lot in common. We would write these 10 page letters back and forth. They were strictly friendship based though. Then when we started dating the letters became love letters. But our relationship slowly degraded and I couldn't see our friendship anymore. That's when I realized that I thought it was more important to save our friendship than to continue a relationship so I broke it off with him.

He later married a woman and had two girls. The woman he married ended up going off the deep end and almost tried to kill herself. Floyd has been in touch over the years off and on, especially when things aren't well with the wife.

Today he said that he missed me, that he was tired of pushing people away because of his wife, especially people he cared about like me. He basically said that he regretted that things hadn't gone differently between us. I emailed him back and said all sorts of things, mostly telling him why I had broken things off, but also saying that his email had reached me in a period of my life that was somewhat on the rocks.

He emailed me back saying that he wanted to know what was going on.

Floyd is a person that I've always been very close to. We've told each other everything, but when he got married our friendship was cut off. My email back to him was a total and complete spew of things that have been going on including Rob and bf. By the end of this correspondence he will probably know more than my best friend does. She just knows about Rob, she doesn't know about the blog or about my "past" online. I don't know that I'll tell Floyd about the blog... but I've already hinted at my past online.

The morning

2011-05-28T19:18:00.000+02:00

As time goes by things get put on the back burner.... kinda... I find myself thinking about Rob less, although still very often, just less than every second like while I was in London. It's more like every 5 minutes now. Work does keep me mostly busy.

On occasion I find myself stopping in mid sentence while explaining something to my students, because something caught my attention and reminded me. The strangest things will come to mind and make me laugh, like salt and vinegar chips. Rob went out late on Monday night at the hotel to have a smoke. I stayed up in the room but he asked if I wanted anything to munch on. He brought back two bags of salt and vinegar chips and a bag of cheese chips. We sat quietly and ate them while watching tv.

There were times in that room that we weren't having sex where we'd just sit and watch tv. He'd sit on the chair at the desk, I'd be sprawled on the bed. In other words we weren't constantly all over each other.

It was during those times that I'd observe him, watch him. I wasn't interested in the tv. I just wanted to watch him while he wouldn't notice.

Those were times when I felt like I should make moves, go to him and touch him, just drag him close to me. But I knew that it wasn't the right thing to do. I don't know how I knew, but I did. I think that we probably needed to contrast the constant touching, sex and just overstimulation with that void. Perhaps it had to do with my fear of ruining the situation with overdoing things. Maybe I was just afraid of getting too close.

The void of not touching, not getting too close eased us into sleep as well. We slept close. But to be able to actually get any sleep I can't be touching a person I've never slept with. So I kept my distance, I needed to sleep at least a little. I don't remember who made the first move in the morning, it could have just been a random rolling over or something, but we ended up spooning. It was an amazing sensation, after not having touched for those few hours at night. I remember pulling his arm around me, around my waist. I could feel his body behind me, every move, every muscle, his slow breathing, his warmth. The sensation of his stiffening cock had me wet immediately. All I knew is that I didn't want to leave that day without having more of him. I'd have never forgiven myself if I hadn't taken full advantage of the situation.

We moved, perhaps he moved onto his back, I moved close to him, one leg over his, but I could feel him stiffen through his boxers. My hand slid under the covers, I caressed, and rubbed him through his boxers, until he opened one eye to look at me, to ask me what I was doing. I just smiled, didn't answer. Then I moved under the covers, straddling his legs, going down. I slipped his boxers off, and the question came again, "what are you doing?" in that accent I love. "Nothing, what do you think I'm doing?" I joked. And proceeded to take him in my mouth.

Just the simple sensation of the head of his cock moving past my lips was enough to make me cum. All I needed was a little stimulation really. I could suck him off for hours without ever getting bored... although he might. But he wanted to be inside me that morning, and I wasn't going to complain about that. I came up to face him, and straddling him I grabbed him from behind myself, slipped him in slowly, easily, all the way down the shaft, and I gasped, he groaned, and the sensation made me collapse towards him. He fucked me slowly in that position and then told me to ride him. I did, I rode him, upright, cowgirl, but I'm a weak girl with no muscles and ended up getting tired fast. He lifted me by my thighs, I kept my hands on the bedboard to ease the weight a little and he fucked me from below. There was a moment when his cock hit my g-spot and I just yelped. It was a sensation I'd never felt before meeting Rob. Bf has never hit it, I've never hit it on my own either. Rob is the only one who has ever found it, and his cock hits it perfectly.

I was basically incapable of moving after that, Rob moved his hand swiftly to my clit, pressing hard, flicking his thumb back and forth, pushing from inside me with his cock, I would go limp at each pulse. The next thing I knew he was joking around, and I was trying to get over what felt like three orgasms in a row. He said "look, watch this!", he put two fingers to his left temple, closed his eyes and made his cock pulse inside me, making me weak in rapid succession, I was laughing and in a state of ecstasy all at once.
He then asked me if I'd had enough. But my answer was "I'll never have enough". He lifted me off him. He moved around behind me, telling me quietly what to do, put your head down, guiding me with his hands. He slid himself back inside me from behind, my face planted flat on the bed. His hands gripping my wrists and my hips all at once. He pounded me hard and I had yet another orgasm, I collapsed helplessly on the bed, I didn't have an inkling of strength, I lay there, eyes closed, panting, arms beneath me now. Feeling the bed vibrate as he moved around to my side, he was caressing my back, up and down, his nails just barely grazing my cool skin. I opened my eyes to see a calm, serene look on his face, relaxed, smiling, caring.

I rolled onto my side, propped myself up and after he may have told me to take it easy, I went back down to taste myself on him. Making myself gag on him, his hands pushing my head down as they'd done numerous times before. I went down, sucked his balls lightly into my mouth, something I'd never done before, so delicate, soft, fragile, yet resistent. Such an amazing sensation. He was getting close. This time it took minutely less than the other times. He warned me that he was going to cum, and he pressed my head down onto him, his hot cum filling the back of my throat. I haven't swallowed in years, and it was so much easier than I'd remembered. It was warm and tasted slightly bitter. I could taste him for ages after that. Right through to the next morning.

The rest of the morning consisted in us having breakfast and just lounging, perhaps both dreading the departure. I wrote about our departure before, but it was a fairly long wait, or it felt long. We went down and had a breakfast that made us both laugh, he managed to fill a teapot with a teabag and coffee and almost insisted on drinking it. We talked about what had happened, we talked about how we felt. He is so easy for me to talk to, he makes everything easy.

The rest of this story is somewhat of a repeat, I've mentioned it before but I can't finish this post without it.

When we returned to the room, we didn't know what to do. I finished packing my bag while he lay face down on the bed looking at the newspaper on the floor. I flopped myself onto the bed to look over his shoulder, reading and not reading, occasionally commenting. But soon we stopped. He just lay there, his face buried in the nook in his arm. I wasn't sure what to do or say. I got the feeling he was dreading going home, or maybe dreading waiting. I wanted to tell him to go when he wanted, that he didn't have to wait for me. He looked up at me, his eyes were shiny, but partially hidden behind his mass of blond eyelashes, he looked at me through them and said that he was worried he'd make himself sick with guilt in the following days.

I told him to hate me if it would be easier, but had to turn away, lay on my back to wipe the tears away.

We checked out of the hotel and headed to the train station. We hugged, half kissed, it was awkward, neither of us knew what to say or do, so we just went our separate ways. Neither of us looked back. But the train ride into London was hard.

Current views

2011-05-27T17:06:00.000+02:00

Bf
Ahh things have been surreal the past few days. I've been home less than a week but I feel like I've gone back in time.
Things before I left for London seemed to be going relatively well with bf our new arrangement was working fairly well I thought. I was happy with it. But when I got home bf was obviously on edge about something and I knew it wasn't the trip that was getting to him. I think it was my enthusiasm in general. Perhaps jealousy of going off on my own. I'm not sure.
After blowing up about the concert I kept my distance a bit. I just couldn't get over the reaction I guess, I wasn't helping the situation any, but I didn't think it was my place. He stormed into where I was sitting yesterday evening and ranted about something that I hadn't done, that he was expecting me to do. And then he went on about how addicted to the internet I am.

Side note. I don't know that I'm terribly addicted to the internet. I do spend time on it. But what "bothers" him is the fact that I check things in the morning, around lunch when I get home and then again before I go to bed. And to me.... that's not an addiction, but I'm not a doctor and I'm no expert on internet addictions.

So he has recently taken this tangent. He said all sorts of strange things to me yesterday. One was just strange, he said that if I was going to use internet in the house he was going to start smoking in the house. How logical is that?

We had a 3 hour argument with tears and yelling and the whole song and dance. And by the end I spilled the beans about how he had been rather cold with me from the moment I got home from London, through the pictures and through the concert frenzy and I told him how I'd felt.

I told him that I often feel like he doesn't share my interests at all, that I have to drag him to things that I know he'd enjoy, he generally refuses to come unless I insist on paying.
I told him that I felt like we didn't have anything in common. I told him that I didn't want to live my life regretting things. I told him that I felt like I didn't have a future in general. I basically implied that I didn't see a future with him. I told him that in other relationships I've seen guys more involved in making decisions about the future and talking openly about what to do, and with him that has never happened, even if I've pushed for it.

After all of that he finally got the picture and shut up and thought about what was going on. By 1:00 am he came over to me and told me he loved me, and told me that for our future, he's more than "sure" about wanting to spend his future with me. As for practical future he thinks it would be easier to get me on track than to get him on track, all I need is space really... (although I'm not sure that just space is going to resolve anything, but I suppose it's worth a try).

I am getting tired of having the same argument, having the same outcome, and then things just repeating themselves. I'm also not sure that my "future" means anything with him, if I'm the only one getting on track then what's the point?

Rob
I know deep down that the evolution with Rob is just a consequence of my situation with bf. But I am also aware that I'm probably getting in deeper than I expected. I'm probably falling for him harder than I anticipated.
Rob and I talked for a bit today, even talked a bit about our feelings. He asked me if I was in love with him and I sort of shied away from the question. I hummed and smiled, and blushed and said maybe.
I get shy about that sort of thing and as much as I'd like to be open, I'm a little afraid of it. Afraid of getting hurt I suppose.
He did say that if I make the decision to leave bf just to not do it because of him. I think he knows that I wouldn't do that. I've been thinking about a break up for ages before meeting up with him. And he also should know that I'm not expecting anything from him whatsoever, apart from perhaps meeting up again at some point.

I texted him after we got off line, just because sometimes I find it easier to text him, to write than to express with my own voice. I asked him if he thought he was falling for me, but he didn't answer, ok well he sent a silly text telling me to "go away"... I took it as silly anyhow. I take it all quite lightly. We're probably both struggling a little with our feelings and I'm not the type to push things. If he wants to tell me what he's feeling he will in time.

He asked if he should back off writing emails and texts, I think he's feeling overwhelmed by constantly thinking about things, and he wants me to tell him to back off. But I told him that I didn't want him to, but that the decision was ultimately his. He did half joke about wanting me to take some of the responsibility off of his hands though. Making that decision for him would have helped probably. But I don't want it to stop.

I myself have contemplated backing off, taking a breather. But sometimes I feel like I'd probably regret it. Other times I know that it'll hurt if we continue at this pace.

Electricity

2011-05-26T08:37:00.002+02:00

I'm really happy with the order of things. Having met up with Rob at the beginning of this trip means that I have time to savour all my thoughts and feelings without worrying about being around Bf, without him asking me why I'm grinning or crying or writing.

The initial meeting with Rob at the station was very simple, smiles and hugs and then straight to the hotel. Check in was at 2:00pm and it was only 11am but I needed to drop my bag. We were lucky though, they managed to check us in immediately.

Once up in the room, Rob dropped onto the bed. After a few moments of indecision I lay down beside him, we talked for a second and then he pulled me close and kissed me. It was a kiss that was not really frantic, but we certainly didn't know what to do with each other. We were just pulling at one another wanting everything. We went for my neck, biting and sucking, just the thought makes my clit pulse. The sensation of him biting my neck sent waves of electricity through my body, neck to toes. He whispered that I tasted good, that my hair smelled nice, I must have mumbled something but honestly I was groaning.

What I wouldn't give to feel that again.

Reactions

2011-05-25T18:56:00.001+02:00

So I was having a good day with bf yesterday. He crawled into bed next to me in the morning with kisses and caresses. After I got home from work I was tired, but we went for a walk together and laughed and had a good time.

When I got home I noticed that the concert I went to in England will be coming here and tickets aren't too expensive so I hinted at seeing it again. I even offered to buy tickets for the both of us. It's not close to home, but I think it'd be worth it, and the tickets aren't half as expensive as they were in London.

Bf joked about me going with someone else at first, but when I probed further to see if he'd be willing to come he flipped out. He went on a stupid rant about me just getting back, to lay off the concert hype and to take a week to appreciate being back, to quit talking about going away.

When I was left with my mouth hanging open in surprise at his reaction, he angrily asked if I thought he was wrong. When I said that he wasn't necessarily wrong but that his reaction was exaggerated, he didn't say anything.

Which is why I sat in the guest room catching up on my blog posting last night.

Since then he has given me hugs and has been trying to be forgiven. But I am having a hard time.

I feel like telling him that he's losing me. I want to try to explain to him what it feels like to really feel enthusiastic about something, because I don't think that he has ever really felt a strong emotion towards an event like a concert or even a sports event.

Thin Ice

by Roger Waters

If you should go skating

On the thin ice of modern life

Dragging behind you the silent reproach

Of a million tear-stained eyes

Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice

Appears under your feet

You slip out of your depth and out of your mind

With your fear flowing out behind you

As you claw thin ice.

The Wall is the concert that I went to see, I'm not sure I mentioned it, but I have recently realized that it has been a fall back album since I was a kid for when I've been going through times of crisis. It was the album I played when I was 6, when I heard my parents arguing to drown out their voices I would blare the trial in my room. At the time I was obviously not aware of the significance of the album. But today as I was writing this post and listening to Thin Ice, it dawned on me how relevant it is during this time of my life.

Thoughts from Camden.

2011-05-24T20:22:00.000+02:00

This was written a few days after meeting up from Camden Town market. There may be a few concepts that I've already written about but it's mostly new stuff.

________________________________________________________

I'm sitting on a bench in Camden Town. It's huge here. I had no idea. I walked around a fair amount but my mind keeps wandering back to... well it's probably obvious.

Rob and I have talked a few times in the past few days both on the phone and on chat through Skype. Some of the texts he has sent have had me crying or close to it. They're not really tears of sadness either. It's always a combination of things. Relief that he is thinking about things and the knowledge that it's not just me. But also the beauty of hearing things like "I can still smell you on my skin" (the day after), that he'll never forget it, and that I'm an amazing person.

In the market though, wandering the stalls and shops, my mind slips back to scenes of Rob telling me to kneel on the floor.
We had been at it for over an hour, a hundred different positions, from the bed to the desk (where the mirror was), two orgasms of my own, then the polite order to kneel on the floor, almost whispered. Down on the floor I went, his cock gliding in and out of my mouth. He would grab my head lightly but firmly, carefully even, and force himself in further, setting my gag reflex off. I knew it would. No matter, I wanted it.
Then he asked if I was ready. He was going to cum, it was time. I was on my knees on the floor completely naked in front of him, staring up at him, waiting, watching, yearning.
It was an amazing sensation. The feeling of his hot cum covering my body. I've never, ever, experienced anything like it. There was so much I was drenched. It dripped down over my tits, down my front. It was on my neck and shoulders. He even managed to get the desk beside us. As I rubbed it in, I was completely slick, shiny and wet, from my shoulders down to my belly. It was so much I laughed, we laughed, I hadn't been expecting that much, he had warned me, but I had no way of understanding. It was amazing.

Home

2011-05-23T08:28:00.000+02:00

I'm back. The trip back was an exhausting journey both mentally and physically. I was supposed to get a ride from the airport but bf couldn't pick me up so I ended up taking the train. But there was a train strike yesterday and it was total chaos.

I got home and bf was working, I was glad because I received a lovely email from Rob saying that he had tried to call me that morning, but that I was already flying or in Italy, that he had realized that we were thousands of miles apart now and he thanked me again for one of the most incredible moments of his life.
I burst into tears reading it, luckily my best friend from home was on line and being the only one who knows about all of this, I told her my feelings. She said that feelings come in waves, let them wash over you and they will go just as they come. she suggested I concentrate on all the good feelings the meeting brought and try not to concentrate on how much I miss him. All very wise suggestions I will try to follow.

I've written a few things over the past few days and I'll be posting them. I just haven't had time to get them into the computer. They're all hand written so far. Hopefully this evening.

What I find slightly frustrating about my return home is bf's total indifference to so many things. I kissed him when he came home, but he commented on it, asking why I had.
I wanted to show him the things I had bought, an antique and even the pictures from my trip, but he sat there watching the soccer games and was only half listening to me. He was so indifferent to my enthusiasm about the concert. I hate indifference.

I even said something like "you don't really care about this stuff do you?" He just said, "you decide". With an indifferent tone, it wasn't said in a mean way... it was just total and complete indifference.

Nottingham I

2011-05-19T11:28:00.000+02:00

This is the first thing I wrote on a random piece of paper while on the train to London. I wrote it quickly, a stream of consciousness type of thing. I wasn't sure I'd post it here. It's relatively intense for me even now to re-read it. I cried on the train back after writing this, they weren't tears of sadness completely either, it was a mix of feelings I think. Then I fell asleep and almost missed my stop. I sent this to Rob yesterday and I added a little changed a little, and I'll be reviewing it again now. But it's essentially the first impressions...Rob liked it, so I'm posting it. There will be more I'm sure, as things come I'll post them.

_____________________________________________

I feel so overwhelmed that I can't really express myself.
I'm sitting on the train to London from Nottingham writing this and there's this guy on the phone in front of me talking, babbling and it's distracting. All I want to do is remember everything, not let go. Scenes of him keep flashing through my mind. scenes of him inside me, in so deep that everything I had imagined was real, splitting me in half, not just physically either. The smiling, staring, laughing, fucking. My guilt, not for what what we'd done, but for the guilt he was feeling. The feeling makes me want to cry.

All that's left is a few bruises and sore muscles, I wish I could have taken something a little more permanent. A mark, a sign, a stigmata to remind me. Something I could just look at, touch even, remember. Flashes of conversations in dingy bars with drunks, castles and castle food, sharing dishes never shared, and the sex... how could I have possibly thought that I could keep my feelings separate? Certain sensations I've never felt. The ease, so easy... relaxed, not awkward, just the goodbye was awkward.... that's all. He kept trying to keep his distance. But it wasn't working, was it?
Laying on the bed I'll never forget the look in his eyes, sad, worried, not regretful, but sad. He said he'd have a tough few days, hoping not to make himself sick with guilt. Would it be easier to let him hate me than to see that look on his face again... yeah...it would.

From behind, face planted on the bed, shoulders too. Him gripping my hands and my hips, pounding me. Collapsing on the bed. The look on his face, caressing my back, up and down.

Mirrors, reflections of us, me looking at him, him looking at me but from different angles different perspectives.

The sensation of the tip of his cock, so smooth, so perfect sliding past my lips, grazing my teeth, so hot, salty. I will never forget that sensation. The memory of him holding my head next to his waist, holding my mouth open for him to cum in. The memory of him nodding, smiling when he knew he was getting me close. The memory of him making me writhe without moving a muscle, the strength of his cock inside me pulsing, pressing what I imagine has to be my gspot, a spot I never found on my own.

Being forced down, onto his cock, only barely coming up for air to be pushed back down again. I wonder, I wonder if he would take control more given the chance. It was our first encounter, he didn't know my limits... I didn't know my limits.

I almost ripped the tendon in his leg out. Wat was he doing? It felt so good. I wanted him, as much of him inside me as possible.
It was a perfect mix. Soft, gentle, rough, forcing, restraining. I couldn't have invented it better in my mind.

There would have been so much more I think. We've only broken the surface of what was there. We've only revealed ourselves partially, but getting any deeper might have hurt too much.

Before I start

2011-05-18T23:58:00.000+02:00

I don't actually really know what to say or how to start this. I've tried sitting down more than once to get this post written and each and every time I get to a point where I just can't write.

It's not just one reason either. There are many. My hand starts to shake (I've been trying to write in a notebook), my mind wanders and I can't concentrate, I start crying, or I get horny. No matter what, I think I just need time to work things through before putting black onto white.

The meeting with Rob was incredible. It was more than I could have possibly imagined or dreamed. It was better than perfect. It was easy, we were totally at ease with each other. There was nothing awkward about anything except perhaps the goodbye at the train station.

There was a lot of sex and it was perfect sex. He was perfect. I don't know how else to describe it. I feel as though I've been in a dream or a daze, that it never actually happened. He hit spots that I honestly had no idea existed. He played my body like I was his favourite instrument. He knows me well, knows what I like. At the same time I felt like I had so much to discover about him. Secrets to unlock.

I think that we were both afraid of getting too close. We acted like good friends when we weren't having sex. We didn't really do the hand holding thing. Sleeping, we slept in the same bed but we didn't touch much until early morning. Neither of us slept much. I think we fell asleep at around midnight and woke up around 4:30am. We spooned in the early hours. That's also when I got a nosebleed, which I never get. I think that was caused by all my hyperventilating... I tend to breath a lot when having sex.

After I got back into London, after we went our separate ways, he texted me saying that he was looking forward to reading the blog, he also told me not to hold back on detail.

I will at some point post more detail than today, or I hope to. But everything is a blur at the moment. The order of things got completely lost in my mind. It's probably a good thing, it means that I was lost in the moment. But it's frustrating at the same time because I wish I could remember it clearly to burn it onto my brain.

There are things that stand out in my memory, things that I'll never forget. Sensations, sights and feelings that were so intense that I may have a hard time putting them into words.
The memories come back to me in vivid flashes, they're so strong they distract me from everything around me, sometimes bringing me close to tears, others close to orgasm, and again others a huge smile on my face.

I had two orgasms today, just because I'm in a hostel and it would be difficult to have more than that with all the people around. But it's just to say how worked up I still am.

I even tried writing a moment by moment recount of the events, after 4 hand written pages I gave up. It was too blurry, some things are so absolutely crystal clear, and others aren't. It was more damaging that good I think.

I'm going to leave this here now. But I will be trying to figure how to put things into words. I want to post more, but I can't figure out how to do it rationally and well. And this will be for me. Written specifically as a diary entry, not written to please my trusty readers. This meeting was the whole point of this blog in the first place. But I don't want a rambling piece of writing either. So I need to weigh it out a bit and figure out the best way to do it.

quick note

2011-05-18T00:52:00.001+02:00

All is well and went better than well....... Will update soon!

Soooooo welll :)

Before I leave.

2011-05-11T00:41:00.000+02:00

He's on my nerves.. Bf... I can't stand him these days. I know I always go through these periods. But recently it's been really really annoying. I can't say anything without him jumping on my back.

The trip to North America is becoming a nightmare because of him. He finds all sorts of stupid excuses for not doing things or he just makes situations really complicated when they're not. On occasion he says that he doesn't want to come and that he's just spending money to do whatever the hell I want. I know he'd rather be off on some tropical island swimming than visiting my home country and seeing my family. I don't really blame him. But my grandmother is over 90 and I'd like to see her before she passes away. And I really need to see some friends.

Andy
Well andy is getting his own paragraph now... He caught me on Facebook last night and asked how I was. He invited me to a "reggae night" at a club in a town about an hour away. He and Co-worker are going tomorrow night. I said I'd think about it but I already know I won't be going. I wish... And I kinda told him that.
He was kidding around saying "always with the bf, we need to do more tequila drinking!"

I wonder.... I wonder what he thinks...

Co-Worker

I can't say he has been ignoring me, but it's been pretty close. He did pat me on the head today while I was on the computer today. But there was definitely no flirting.

He did say something about the girls he loves, brown hair green eyes (his gf) and blond with blue eyes... (me)

London/Rob
I've been running around like a chicken with her head cut off the past few days, getting a whole slew of stuff done, including 2 translations, picking up stuff for a friend over in London, got to dye my hair again, picking up some Pounds for when I get there... checking with the bank to make sure I have money on my card.

I haven't even had time to think about anything let alone have things take over my brain and command me not to do something... Plus with the way I feel with bf these days I just really need OUT.

Righto... I hope to get another post in before Saturday... but if I don't I'll post from the UK....oooohhhh ahhhhh... man....

how hard?

2011-05-08T22:26:00.000+02:00

Sometimes I wonder if I'm falling and how hard.

I talked to Rob today for what must have been over an hour and a half. Just talk, nothing more. We talked about us, our future meeting, our past meeting, our thoughts and feelings. He's apprehensive (but still coming)... I'm still gung-ho but it may not have hit me yet.

work and week

2011-05-04T21:54:00.000+02:00

I had a week off this week, but was called to do a job at the last minute. I am constantly high on adrenaline with this job, and exhausted at the same time. I work for a few hours interpreting in the afternoon, while in the morning I've been working frantically to finish a translation I have due next monday.

In the meantime I talked to Co-worker and even Andy a bit last weekend. I caught Co-worker on Gmail chat and chatted him up on some business from the previous week together at work. But at a certain point we got on the topic of being "good" and he said something about being a little bastard. When I asked him why he said that we should talk about it in person... whatever that means.

Andy on the other hand was involved in a little music conversation on FB, and something about age came out... I don't really even remember what it was, it probably wasn't very important. But I found out that he's 38... I honestly thought he was younger than that...

I then thought that maybe Co-worker said something to Andy. I wonder....

I don't know if I'll see Co-worker this week... I had an opportunity on Tuesday, but he couldn't make it to lunch. Sooo we'll see him monday.

As for Rob, I've only really heard from him via txt message or email so nothing much new there.

Sex... well yeah I got some more that day... It was a good day for sex :)

Make up sex.

2011-05-01T18:02:00.000+02:00

I crawled into bed this afternoon while bf was supposedly trying to nap, and as soon as I got under the covers, he pulled me close, then rolled me on top of him.

His cock was hard, and I was wet from an interrupted play session with myself this morning so we were both more than ready to go.

He pulled my t-shirt up to reveal my black bikini top (since I had been outside sunbathing) he pulled the triangle off and sucked hard on my nipple, then moved over to the other one and did the same.

I was so horny my back arched, and I swear I almost came just from that. He pulled my shorts and panties off and licked his fingers and carefully wet my clit and started rubbing. I was squirming, I couldn't hold still, I knew it wouldn't take me long to cum. He propped himself onto one arm and gave my clit the occasional lick, pressing his finger inside me. I took over on my clit, rubbing little circles, and I was so close to cumming like that. I was constantly on edge.

We went through various different positions we barely had sex... I mean there was very little penetration. We have both learned that I don't cum on penetration the first time after a dry spell. But this is the perfect way to overcome that. No penetration.

The final blow.... was so damn strong. I'm starting to wonder whether I'm just getting better at making myself cum, therefore my orgasms with bf are getting stronger too.

I was on my back, bf was kneeling this time in between my legs. He had one hand under my ass, and one on my tits, I was working my clit, while he watched me. As I got closer to climaxing, he licked a finger, and slid it into my ass. I was not expecting that at all, because he usually just teases. He slipped it all the way in, then with the other hand he slipped another finger into my mouth, and that took me wayy over the edge. It was so intense, so strong, and he wouldn't stop pumping my ass the whole time, that it felt like it was lasting forever. I would have screamed so loud if there hadn't been anything in my mouth.

He then moved above me, straddling my chest, as he grabbed my tits, I jerked him off till he came all over them.

I was so spent, that I fell asleep for 20 minutes and when I woke up, bf left for work, and I came again. I worked my clit just as I had done with him. But this time I slipped one finger into my dripping pussy, and one back into my ass. I came just as hard as the first time too. Back arching, head reaching back, mouth gaping and gasping for air.

Damn.... I could go again even...

Birthdays, gifts, orgasms, and space.

2011-04-29T17:15:00.000+02:00

What to say... what to say.

My birthday came and went during the whole fiasco with bf. He gave me a new bicycle, I really needed it. My old one was falling apart, literally. Plus it was all rusty. So a bright and shiny new bike from him and my favourite gift so far was a set of 216 tiny magnetic ball bearings that you can make stuff with, mostly geometrical stuff. It's very cool and very fun, and addictive. The ads are all over Youtube for these toys.

I even got some really nice body lotion, shea butter which is soooo lush, I just loovvve it.

But I didn't celebrate really, I just hung out at home with bf. We went to dinner, had japanese food. Then I met up with Rob on line late night. Except he wasn't in the best of moods, or perhaps he was busy with someone or something else, and in the end he took off at 3 am and left me kinda aching for at least a little more conversation than what was had.
That's when the Italian guy from Rome came on. I've mentioned him before I'm pretty sure, he's the one I said I was thinking of have a threesome with. Well without video or sound he told me a lovely little description that was very naughty and very nice. And it did't take me long to get off on that.

But Rob did make up for his lack the night after with 3 orgasms, this time no voice just typing. I really needed to let go I guess. I love it when he types all the things he'd do to me, it's a stream of consciousness of things, no interruptions, just images that flash through my mind.
Images of being bound, ass in the air, held, forced, legs spread, him making me do things to myself, him slipping my fingers inside me, licking, slipping his own along side them, dripping, spanking, slapping, gripping, spreading, preparing, fucking, no limits.... so nice.

I haven't heard from either co-worker or Andy except for birthday wishes.

And I've been thinking about the studio a lot. How I'd be able to have stuff sent there, if I decided to do the sex toy review. I just need to find the space.... space space space.