Written Saturday evening
I think I've come to a certain end in my promiscuous behaviour. I'm not sure it's just a winter thing, or if something has changed since the last few months of especially terrible organisational actions. Between actually organising and meeting up with the Italian guy, and organising and not meeting up with Rob, I think something kinda snapped.
For some reason I'm not in the least bit interested in seeing anyone on line, let alone getting naked or getting off with them.... It has lost its "charm".
Maybe it's just a break. Maybe I'm just not finding what I'm looking for. Maybe I just need the simplicity of someone who knows what I want.... I dunno.
Generally I do slow down in winter. Summer is a much easier season for me. Bf goes to the beach, and I have time alone.
I had time alone this evening, but I honestly just didn't feel like doing anything except watching a movie or reading a book.
I know if Rob were around, on line, I'd be up for chatting with him. I think talking is all that would happen. I wouldn't mind playing the old games we played way back... the word games, or even playing a video game together. We've done that a few times. We were both playing the Submachine series and poker for a while.
A good mind fuck would be good... but it's the time spent with him that I miss.
The excitement of the Internet, that feeling of share intimacy with stranger works best when there is a feeling of anticipation, of daring, of potential.
ReplyDeleteWhen our hearts have been shaken (Rob), when prospects look bleak (winter), and when life has pulled energy from us (everything else), on-line play, flirting, and seduction lose their appeal.
When the world warms up, when your heart lightens, when the BF stops lying about cigarettes, the mood will lift and you'll find an outlet for it. That might be play, it might be art, or maybe just a attitude of lightness as you walk through the Italian countryside.
No matter what the end result, your spark will return and the world will be brighter for it.
Just found your blog, and browsed through a good part of it.. heart racing... I have so many similar experiences (but I constantly regret not having written them down). And my online lover and I have only talked for a year. Reading your posts has been overwhelming, and worrying, and incredibly rewarding. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteAdvizor: I think that you understand and know me better than I know myself almost. Or maybe it's just your analysis of the situation that is always spot on.
ReplyDeleteThanks you always make me feel better
xoxo.
Anon: You have put a smile on my face and you make it all worthwhile. I sometimes wonder why I even keep up with the blog. But you have made it all totally worth it. All I can say is start writing if you have the possibility. I have realized that all of my experiences would be basically lost if I hadn't started. Emails are so rare and hand written letters don't exist anymore to testify our experiences.
Why not start a blog? If you ever want to talk email me I'd be happy to just chat about your worries or feelings in general.
I stopped writing my blog for various reasons, too. I think it's just a seasonal thing. We all go through phases. You'll definitely start to get the itch soon; probably the second the weather starts getting better. In the meantime, take comfort in good friends & enjoy life. As I've found out recently, life's too short to not have fun.
ReplyDeleteI'm in no position to comment on those who should or shouldn't be blogging, but I will say that I keep you page bookmarked and that I'd lose a certain amount of joy knowing I couldn't just click back here and see how you were doing.
ReplyDelete"For some reason I'm not in the least bit interested in seeing anyone on line, let alone getting naked or getting off with them.... It has lost its "charm"."
I go through ups and downs with this. Most days now it's unappealing... like I'm going through the motions of an overly complicated masturbatory ritual... then other days it sounds like the only thing in the world that'll get me off.