HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Yep... Another year has come and gone... I hope 2011 is better than 2010. I'm sure it will be. Good vibes have been going around.

This evening I made Profiteroles... yumminessssss They're puff pastry filled with whipped cream and covered with chocolate mousse. Very easy to make and sooooo yummy.

We've got a whole 6 people coming over this evening. We usually have at least 10-15 people here during the holidays. But this year everyone decided to take off and leave this sad little town to party somewhere else in the cold.

It should be nice though, quiet evening with friends gambling with blackjack and possibly some poker or bingo or something.... Haha

I hope everyone's New Year's is everything they hope it is.

X'*'O'*'X'*'O'*'X'*'O'*'X'*'O'*'X'*'O'*'X'*'O

It's almost Christmas. I'm sure everyone is on holiday and very few readers will be spending their time on internet in the next few days.

I have had very little time to myself lately. I've been home, but so has bf and it's been difficult to sit and write without him asking me what I'm doing.

ROB

I caught Rob on line the other day. It was interesting. He asked me lots of questions. I'm usually the one to ask questions. Perhaps he's actually been thinking about my request to know if he really wants to have sex.

He asked me about my "online goals", about whether I'd hit a peak.

There was a lot going on in that conversation. There were a lot of things going through my mind. I still have a lot of doubts and questions that I am scared to ask.

He said was that perhaps it would be easier to organize a threesome instead of dealing with him.

And then there was the brief interval of this conversation:

him-if we were single things would be too easy.
me-it would
-Maybe that's the attraction.
-that's a very good point
-it is.
-Yeah, it's normal that you are attracted to what you can't have
-good point, I'll be an old fat nag ugly soon so it don't matter.


CO-WORKER


I've had the opportunity to sit and talk to him on my own a few lunches and I have to admit it's a little awkward. I'm not sure if it's because underneath we're both quite shy or what. But we have a hard time figuring out what to say to each other. Things have slowed down at work so I'm not going as often as I'd like so I won't be seeing him as much.

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MERRY CHRISTMAS BLOGGERS AND READERS!!!

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Would you?

I just finished reading "The Time Traveler's Wife". There's a scene in the story, which I loved btw, that kinda weirded me out. Have any of you read the book? No? you should, it's good. It's like a drug.

The basic outline is a love story, between a time traveling guy and a girl who doesn't move in time.

Without giving away any of the plot, I'll just say that he tends to meet himself quite a bit, and he spends time with himself even as a teenager.

The scene that got me thinking and that was weird, was as a teenager meets himself, both of him are teenaged, and well, yeah, I think they have sex. And I'm pretty sure it's intended to be anal. Now It's not explicit, it's just mentioned.

But seriously... if you were used to the fact of seeing yourself, and you were the same age... and you spent a lot of time with yourself.... would you fuck yourself or even give yourself a bj or hand job?

I honestly had to think about it. Would I fuck myself with my hormones raging at the age of 16? I don't think I would. Or maybe the temptation would get to me. But while thinking about it rationally, I don't think I would....

Quitter?

Written Saturday evening

I think I've come to a certain end in my promiscuous behaviour. I'm not sure it's just a winter thing, or if something has changed since the last few months of especially terrible organisational actions. Between actually organising and meeting up with the Italian guy, and organising and not meeting up with Rob, I think something kinda snapped.

For some reason I'm not in the least bit interested in seeing anyone on line, let alone getting naked or getting off with them.... It has lost its "charm".

Maybe it's just a break. Maybe I'm just not finding what I'm looking for. Maybe I just need the simplicity of someone who knows what I want.... I dunno.

Generally I do slow down in winter. Summer is a much easier season for me. Bf goes to the beach, and I have time alone.

I had time alone this evening, but I honestly just didn't feel like doing anything except watching a movie or reading a book.

I know if Rob were around, on line, I'd be up for chatting with him. I think talking is all that would happen. I wouldn't mind playing the old games we played way back... the word games, or even playing a video game together. We've done that a few times. We were both playing the Submachine series and poker for a while.

A good mind fuck would be good... but it's the time spent with him that I miss.

drinks, lies and cigarettes...

I am having a hard time these days. Winter sucks. Summer is so much better. Much less depressing.

So yesterday bf and I were in a good mood we had planned to go to Ikea to pick up some things for the house, we've been doing a little re-furnishing.
He's driving and I'm in the passenger seat, stuck down in between the driver's seat and the handbreak is a receipt. I grab it to throw it out, but I have this stupid habit of reading things before I do that to make sure they aren't important.
It was a receipt for cigarettes.

For those of you who haven't been following long bf quit smoking about 10 or 11 years ago. I have known him to have the occasional cigarette, he has never admitted it though. I've never been happy about him smoking and I would never condone it even if it was occasional. To me if you quit you quit... you don't have an "occasional" smoke, the habit comes back all to easily.

So I show him the receipt dated the 28th of November, with Diana Blue 10 written clearly on it and he still tries to weasel his way out of it...

I let it drop, start reading my book and tell him that it is best that I just read. But he doesn't let it sit. He starts talking about it and we get into this discussion, because it wasn't a fight, no-one yelled or got angry really. But the idea was that he's been lying to me about smoking for years. He sometimes gets home smelling like cigarettes and I ask him if he's smoked a cigarette and he always says no.

I hate that he lied to me. I know this is going to sound strange and extremely hypocritical. But I consider myself to be a pretty honest person. Maybe I'm delusional... is it possible to be fucking around online and organising to meet guys and still consider yourself honest??

I don't lie on a regular basis is what I'm getting at I suppose. I don't lie if he asks me things outright. If he asked me if I was screwing around online, I would probably tell him the truth. I hate lying.

He doesn't consider his lies important. His reasoning is that if he told me the truth then he'd feel "free" to smoke anytime he wanted (because he can do what he wants) and he might end up getting back into the habit. So he'd prefer to keep lying to me... Does that make sense? Does that condone his lies?

I haven't decided yet. No matter I'm disappointed and sad. I'm a bit depressed and I might just help myself to a few gin lemons this evening while he's out to take the edge off of things.

FRUSTRATION

I'm in a pissy mood.

I've been home sick, and I'm getting sick of bf. I know it's a temporary feeling. It will go away. But I really can't stand him at the moment. So I'm going to bitch and whine here because it will make me feel better. Don't read further it will probably just annoy you.

We were supposed to go to an electronics fair together, but since I was sick I didn't go. He came back with: an alarm clock, and christmas lights.

Later that day he went to a grocery store and bought me a pair of dark blue gloves that he paid a Euro for.

I made fun of him for the alarm clock, because it was a cheap "made in china" alarm clock, that promised stuff on the box that it didn't do in real life.  And to boot it was a talking alarm clock, to turn the light on you had to listen to it... super useful at night when you're trying to sleep, or when your partner is trying to sleep... hint hint at the irony here.

The Christmas lights stopped working after a bit for some reason the button to change the flashing is sporadic.

And the gloves were dark blue, a colour which I hate and I had told him not to buy me gloves because I would buy them myself.

Right... I'm an ungrateful bitch (no he didn't say that). I should have said... oooh thank you, you're so sweet for buying me such lovely gifts.
I shouldn't have told him that they ripped him off for the clock that had false advertisement on the box. I shouldn't have told him that the christmas lights weren't working, or that the gloves were something I wanted to buy on my own.

What was the response? I asked him if he liked the christmas tree that I decorated. He said that he didn't like it. When I asked him why he said that he didn't have to give a reason. And that he had told me that he wanted to do it himself, which was a reference to the gloves if you hadn't noticed... I hadn't and I actually thought he wanted to decorate the tree himself. I had a sinking feeling that he was being facetious but I took the decorations off the tree anyhow (it's a pretty small tree luckily).

The next morning he said, "oh... you took the decorations off?"
And I mentioned what he had said the day before. And he admitted to "joking".
We had an argument and now we're at a standstill.

WTF???

So here's my reasoning:
EVERY FUCKING PRESENT I've ever bought the man has been totally unappreciated. He has NEVER EVER said thanks I really like it, even out of politeness. He puts the gift down, he tells you exactly what he hates about it, he sits it in the closet or drawer, then after YEARS he finally pulls it out and starts using it. He actually uses them to death... but noooo not right away.... after YEARS. He doesn't just do it with me. He does it with everyone. So I know it's not directed at me. But Christmas and his birthday become painful for me. I never have any idea what the hell to get him because I know he'll just hate it.

So in one day. I dissed 3 things he brought me.... is that REALLY that wrong?? I was telling the truth. He bought three cheap products... and that's another thing. He would rather spend a Euro and buy something that doesn't work over spending 5 to get something that actually works.

He would rather cut and burn something (specifically a curtain) and have it look bad than spend the money on something that is already finished. ARGGGGGGGG


Ok... I think I'm done... sorry, that was random.. props for whoever actually read all of this without laughing or shaking their head in the shame of my ramblings.

Possibly the best orgasm ever...

Sex.

Yep.

Got some sex last night. It was really good sex with bf. He made me yell last night... I'm pretty sure my neighbour heard. I was damn loud.

Foreplay was bf going down on me. He stripped me naked in 2 seconds and went down. I had just had a shower and shaved. He went down and got me close to climax. I'm thinking that he probably thought I reached orgasm at that point, but I didn't. I was happily moaning.

The position he found was perfect. Me on my back, him on his side, our legs intertwined. It gave me a great vantage point to stimulate my clit, and he had one hand free (he was up on one elbow) to probe and grope and feel.

I think my orgasm in that position lasted about 2 or 3 minutes, it felt like an eternity. I just didn't stop stimulating the clit. It was one of those orgasms that felt like it was at it's maximum... it wasn't ending... then BANG! the final fucking amazing climax that takes you over the edge. What did it? my constant stimulation of the clit and then bf plunging his two middle fingers into my mouth. For the very first time in my love life with bf I yelled "Oooooh SHIT". I never speak in English during sex, I try to speak in Italian, or often I don't speak at all.

The rest of the sex... didn't last very long. Bf was so close to climax himself, but he did try to get me to cum a second time. I imagine he thinks he got me off 3 times. He flipped me on top of him. He probed my b-side, fingers in my mouth again, and spanking... that would normally get me off fast. But I was pretty spent. He got me close again though, but I couldn't manage another orgasm.

When he started pulling out because he was close, I went down on him, licked him up and down, looked him in the eye and he came all over my mouth and chin...

HNT side A and B

A-side

B-side

Happy HNT people... and Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with them :)

Dreams

So I had this dream this morning. It was pretty strange.

This one started with me asking a friend if she'd ever seen Rocky Horror Picture Show. And then when I pop the DVD in the player I get catapulted onto the so-called set.

It's this MASSIVE place, something like an indoor theme park, just for, or mostly for, orgies and sex. I wander the rooms one by one and see people in dark rooms fucking. It's difficult for my eyes to adjust to the darkness of the rooms compared to the relative brightness in the hallways. But it's pretty easy to define what people are doing. I basically just poked my nose around in the dream. I didn't actually do anything for most of it. I think I was kind of put off by some of it to be honest. My reactions were pretty balanced. If I ever got thrown into a similar situation, I doubt much of it would turn me on. I'd have to go there with the knowledge of where I was going and what I'd be doing.

I remember certain scenes had a slight effect on me, turning me on temporarily but the sensation disappeared pretty quickly. It reminds me somewhat of "Eyes wide shut" and the grotesque feeling of those scenes.

There was one horrifying scene, towards the beginning of the dream, of a room with a man and a woman and another figure, There was a bunk bed, and the woman was on the bottom bunk with the third figure, the man was hanging from the top bunk, his cock forced into the mouth of the third figure, face fucking the figure. I couldn't see what was going on well enough. But then there was a scene cut and the next thing I saw was a child, with the same shirt as the third figure, curled up on the floor, while the man was having sex with the woman on the bed.

The dream continued until I was in a room full of people, just sitting socialising, nothing crazy going on, just a lot of flirting, well dressed women and men in the room. That's when I woke up and thought, I must be crazy! I should get naked and have some fun... so I went back to a waking sleep and got naked, in the dream. I spread on a bed and started masturbating. Men started to notice and one by one four men came over. The first went down on me, the second and third licking and sucking my nipples, and the fourth with his cock in my mouth.

I slipped my hands inside my pjs and quietly got myself off.

Back to regular transmission

I was hoping to write more this week since I'm kinda home from work but I've got a huge translating job to do and therefore I've been concentrating my energy on that. But I do have a couple posts lined up and hopefully an HNT... I have the pics I just have to post them!

ROB
I caught up briefly with Rob this morning. I've been trying to catch him on-line since I got back. I haven't been desperate to chat to him, but I did want to clear a few things up. I'm surprisingly pretty light-hearted about the whole situation. I honestly have moved along fine. I suspect that my "emotional breakdown" wasn't completely connected to him bailing on me. Or maybe I am subconsciously relieved that he bailed on me. In any case today I simply asked him to eventually (not today) decide if he wanted to go through with fucking me, and that if he didn't that was ok too. I just need to know if he thinks he can go through with it.

He logged off Skype pretty quickly and I'm now trying to concentrate on my translation again. After catching him on-line it isn't easy to concentrate. Just cause I have a million doubts running through my mind around him.

CO-WORKER
I got slapped on the ass again Friday morning, this time one of my colleagues was present. I was super horny after that for the whole day... I wanted to jump him.

I was pretty jealous all last week because we had a temp working with us, she was tall, blond, thin, blue eyes... yeah she kinda reminded me of me. And Co-worker boy flirted with her a bit.
Thursday I wore a mini skirt over leggings to work, and he caught me bent over at one point. He came in the door from behind me and I shifted my head to see him from beside my legs and I stuck out my tongue at him. He just said "I like it" and left... I don't think he was talking about my tongue.

I've also gotten into the habit of texting him a little about just anything. He's usually super cryptic when he answers, but I did get a couple of full sentence texts back and was happy about that even if it was nothing of note.

One thing I do think about on occasion though is if something ever did happen between us, it would be a mess. I mean it wouldn't be a problem on my side... in that I've somehow committed myself to the idea of cheating on bf at some point with someone. But I don't know if I could live with the guilt of tempting Co-worker into cheating on his gf. I like her, she doesn't deserve it.

SKYPE + CHATROULETTE
I haven't been on Skype or Chatroulette at all since I've been back from London, so that's over a month (including while I was there) of abstinence of online sex. I'm not sure why, I'm guessing it's the season and lack of time or energy. Once spring rolls round I'll probably be back on again.

All in all, everything is good. I'm fine with bf, I'm fine with Rob, I'm fine... perhaps extra-fine with Co-worker... so all's good.

Back on Track

I'm back in the thick of things, and I've only been back for 2 days. Re-entry was traumatic to say the least. I got in later than I was supposed to (or I thought I would) bf was frustrated with me because I told him the wrong arrival time. He told me in the car that my boss' father had died Sunday (the day before). He was a man that was always in the studio where I worked. I was devastated. Not only was an amazing person gone (age 90), but it was going to take a toll on my already stressed boss. My hours this week just doubled because of this too.

ROB

I started texting Rob on Sunday saying that I was sad to be leaving London especially without having seen him. He simply answered "Sorry for wasting your time".
I promptly answered that he hadn't wasted my time that I just needed to know whether this relationship was going to continue or not. When I didn't get a response by the time I got home, I wrote him an email.
Fact was, I was contemplating just waiting to see what he'd do if I didn't write him. But I couldn't just leave it. I needed some sort of resolution.

The email explained very simply that I'd known him for 9 years, that I considered him a good friend, and that I wanted to keep him a good friend, I said that I wasn't ready to give that up, but if he wanted to I needed to know so that I could come to terms with his decision.

He answered the same day. It was an email that almost made me cry, I might have cried had I not been at work when I read it. I got teary and had to answer quickly but I came home and read it again.

The basic gist of it is that he "wants to stay friends and he never wants that to change". He panicked about seeing me and his "cock was making the decisions for him and he shouldn't have said he was up for it".
He feels bad for wasting my time and money. (he didn't waste my time or money... although it might have been easier for me to make a decision had he told me earlier)
He doesn't answer my texts sometimes because he's busy or can't (and I already knew that, I don't hold that against him... almost ever ;-)

What made me get teary was that he said: "I hate hearing that you are upset about things i have said or done(I read your blog) the last thing I want to do is make your life more difficult than it already is,if you want me to dissapear from your life I will do reluctantly."

I am so far away from that at the moment it's crazy. On the one hand I know that I'm getting myself into a stickier situation, that my feelings are more and more likely to get hurt. But at this point, I'm going to try to separate the reality of this from the online factor. I don't want his presence to disappear. I want him "around". I don't really care if we meet up or not as long as I know he's there somehow, somewhere. When I need him he's there.

CO-WORKER


Things just get crazier with him. Right, so my boss' dad just died, and we're all in a bit of a funk at work, although no boss around means more relaxed workers. Co-worker boy gave me a huge hug when he saw me Monday, another one in the late afternoon Monday and another again today. I think these were pretty much the first real hugs we've given each other... the others were of the more distant sort. He said that I looked happier, that I looked prettier, there was something different in my eyes.

He told me that the next time I go to London I'll have to let him know so that we can get separate flights and meet up there...

I don't think I even reacted to that comment. But it should have made me stop in my tracks. I mean, is he serious? Meeting up there on separate flights??? WTF??

ITALIAN BOY


I have stopped answering his texts. Although he's insistent and texting me every day. I just don't want to deal with him anymore. He is an odd one. I told him bf's brother was in hospital for cancer (which wasn't totally a lie, it was just the timing was off ;) and he texts me every day, and not once did he ask how the therapy was going... I found that strange... maybe I'm just weird though.

FRIENDS


My guy friends at the cafeteria where I work asked me if I got any sex while in London. I promptly said, "I get sex at home why would I look for it in London?"... but then I forgot what I was actually trying to say when they interrupted me, and so my gay friend said "AHA! so she was after sex, otherwise that wouldn't have distracted her so much!!"
He was spot on.... strange that they'd notice. But as we all know, no sex was had unfortunately.
 

The end of London

It’s my last night in London. I’ve had a good time, although it could have been better in some aspects. I could have met more people I think.
I spent the first three days with friends of my family who were on vacation here. They were staying in a mansion in the countryside outside of London. They cooked me food and took me hiking in the forests and hills, it was beautiful.
I then came into London on Thursday morning and spent the day getting lost on the Thames. I went to the Tate Britain instead of the Tate Modern. I’d already seen the Tate Britain. I walked until it felt like my legs were going to fall off.
I visited another friend for dinner, and then yesterday I went to the science museum and the Tate Modern… finally. I saw paintings by the likes of Mirò, Picasso, Dalì, Magritte, Matisse, Alexander Calder (mobiles), De Chirico and so many more that I can’t remember the names. I saw an amazing installation of Sunflower Seeds, and when I say amazing… I mean AMAZING…. Incredible…. Insane almost.
I spent the night at a friend’s house and then back out into the world this morning to the Saatchi gallery, where there were some pretty impressive works. My favourite, or the one that has the most lasting impression on me was a piece with minute… I mean insect sized, skeletons riding insects. Totally intense. I can’t get over the work that went into constructing each little skeleton with insect parts or bits of plants…. Man…
I spent the afternoon today wandering, getting groceries, and just basically spending time on my own.

I did meet two guys Friday night. They were staying in the same dorm room as me. One was from Alaska, and the other was from Britain somewhere. The brit guy was 16... But he bought us beer! Ha! The other was a talkative cute guy in his late 20s I’d say, who might have flirted more had the 16 year old not been there. I should have asked him to come to the science museum with me. But I didn’t think of it in time. He would have come too… And I would have asked. He was funny. We did spend Friday night drinking beer and just chatting about random things.

All in all I can’t say that I preferred it over seeing Rob… but I did enjoy myself. I really appreciated the time on my own. I dread going back to work Monday. I have long days ahead and this wasn’t really a break. But anyhow it was a mental break from the bf and the small town I live in.

London

So here I am. I have been busy, but I'm fine... yes I'm fine. I got over all of this fairly quickly.

The day I left home to go to the airport I texted Rob asking if he was still talking to me. He said "yeah, I just needed some time to look at myself".

I was relieved to say the least.

I sent him another text message tonight to give him the brit mobile number that I purchased, and to tell him I was on skype. He won't come. It is also relatively late, it's 1am. I'll be surprised if I get an answer from him at all.

I think though that I have mourned enough for this "friendship". I'll let it be, let it go where it will. I just don't want to get hurt again. I need to set rules if it is destined to continue. Setting rules like: don't ask me when we're going to fuck. Don't tell me that you want to fuck me in real life. It's not going to happen.

I'm perfectly happy with the relationship online as is at this point. I am still convinced that I don't want to give him up. But if that's what has to happen, I'll deal with it when it comes. I don't think I'll be doing the mourning I did this last time. I have come to terms with the whole situation I'd say.

Thanks for the words of support... and the kind emails from those few who helped lend an open ear and heart.

Saturday.

It's Saturday.
If I text him he won't answer. That doesn't help the urge I have to text him.

I'm trying to keep my spirits up, I'll be seeing some good friends from home while in London. I'll be seeing 4 people I really miss and want to see.

I only get the urge to cry when I sit and think about it, so I'm keeping myself busy packing and listening to music.

I don't blame him. I admire him for his devotion to her. I wish I had the same strength he has. I feel pretty terrible for even wanting to organize this. I don't have an inkling of guilt in me about it. I know I should but I don't. I spent part of the Friday that Rob texted me to tell me he was bailing on the couch trying to overcome panic attacks. My heart was beating in my throat to the point that I was coughing. But absolutely no guilt. The need is so strong for Rob that I don't see the guilt. Maybe it's hiding somewhere under there.

I just have to wait until Monday to text him. I need to hear from him. I need to know he's still there... for some reason.

How I feel.

Shame, such a shame
I think I kind of lost myself again
Day, yesterday
Really should be leaving but I stay

Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came

'Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
You are not my savior
But I still don't go

Feels like something
That I've done before
I could fake it
But I still want more

Fade, made to fade
Passion's overrated anyway
Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came

'Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
You are not my savior
But I still don't go, oh

I feel like something
That I've done before

I could fake it .......But I still want more, oh.

 

UNDONE

It hurts. No matter what I do or think or how angry I get it still hurts.

Rob texted a desperate message this afternoon that said "I can't do this!!!" 

He was so enthusiastic while organising this that I didn't imagine that it'd happen this time. But when yesterday evening he said he'd be on, and then he wasn't, he didn't answer my emails, and didn't answer one of my texts this morning I kinda knew that he was bailing.

Just like last time, except last time it was easier to convince him to see me. We met for the day. Nothing happened. But originally he sent me an email saying that he couldn't do it.

I asked him to talk to me, to explain on my way to a bank then a lesson and I was in the bank when he sent the second text explaining why.

"I feel awful, I haven't slept for 2 days, the guilt is killing me and I haven't done anything yet. I don't believe I'm mentally strong enough to cheat on my gf, she is lovely and I don't think she would ever do anything to hurt me, I just don't think I could live with myself. Sorry I have let you down"

I had to hold back the tears. I left the bank. Walked and tried not to think about it but it hurts. And I'm angry, there are so many things I'd like to tell him; He should have thought about this before getting me to book the flights, or that he can't be jealous of other guys I play with or hang out with online or meet if he can't meet me himself especially if I take the trouble buying flights to see him.

But it's not worth it. It's not worth getting angry. The anger doesn't make it less painful.

I'm glad that he managed to tell me. He didn't just ignore me or stop talking to me. He told me in time for me to change plans while there, I had a tight schedule between friends and Rob.

At this point I really wonder where things will go from here. I think what hurts most is that deep down I know I should let go. But I don't think I will be able to.

It's done.

I'm flying to London Monday.... Wednesday night with Rob in a hotel....

Woah, is it gonna happen??

ROB
I finally got my act together and (almost) decided to fly over. I need to get this over with. I mean honestly... Anyhow I have a week off next week and I asked Rob if it was a good idea for me to come over. He said he was up for it, but that he needed to let me know if it was feasible or not. So I gave him until Wednesday(today) or Thursday to let me know. I haven't heard from him yet. I'm a bit on edge to say the least. As soon as I get word from him I'll book my flights if he says yes. If not I'll just leave it until May when I go over for the Wall concert.

ITALIAN BOY
The Italian guy kinda managed to convince me for the second time to run away with him to Florence or Rome next week. When I realized that I'd be going away for a week with him rather than Rob I figured I should just fly out to see Rob. So yet again, I'm trying to figure out a way to let him down. I did have a long conversation with him on skype Sunday evening. I told him that I thought we were going too fast, that I was afraid of feelings (I didn't say this, but primarily his). He agreed to having to be careful about the feelings.

CO-WORKER
I've been working 10 hour days recently between the three jobs I have. I have been spending quite a bit of time at the job where Co-worker works, but unfortunately we haven't been working in close contact these days. There are two "new" girls that are working with us temporarily and he's been working with them for the past 2 weeks. I've been so busy that I haven't had time to noticed whether or not he behaves the same with me as he does with them.
He did bump me on the ass again last week, but other than that there hasn't been anything of note in terms of the physical contact.
Today we had a conversation about astrology and he's a Cancer. I said some generalisations about Cancers, and he asked what I was, and he said "Oh! Taurus... that's why... either I love them or I hate them." Ok, so it's nothing important... but something that I caught as interesting.

Banned

Ok I'm going to bitch a bit today.

I tried posting last week but for some reason blogger wasn't working the way it usually does. I couldn't upload pictures on Wednesday or copy and paste a post I had written previously. I even had an HNT pic to schedule for Thursday. And I didn't get either of them up.

I'm also getting tired of so many things... frustrated more than tired.

CHATROULETTE

I was on chatroulette last night, caught a cute guy, thought he might be american, he looked american, but he was Italian. So many f***ing Italians on chatroulette since they did that news report on it... Arrrgggg.
We played around, and we didn't exchange contact info because he had a gf and I don't need another Italian temptation. He was really super close to where I live too. I'm talking less than an hour by train. We did have fun though.

Then, the strange thing... I got banned from Chatroulette!!! I mean WTF? hmm perhaps it is for the best. Now I'm wondering if maybe my neighbours were on.... they're using my internet. I don't think I got reported...Anyhow I'm back on... I had to turn the modem off and voilà, I'm back on!

ITALIAN BOY

Italian boy is pushing hard to get together with me. I'm trying to figure out how to tell him no. Yesterday he said that he is stubborn... no kidding... He told me not to sleep and to think about what excuse to use with bf so that we could discuss it today... um... a little overboard??

Anyhow I think today I'll tell him that bf is getting suspicious or something. I am afraid that this guy is going to be tough to get rid of.

ROB


I wanted to take a bit of time and distance from him, but it's not working. He texted me, told me how much he was thinking about me, and I didn't resist answering back... and I've been thinking about him way too much, about his cock inside me. That's all I really want.

But today I go onto my hotmail account and he has changed the picture on the live MSN thing, and he has a new "friend" on there too. I shouldn't care but I noticed.

I remember a conversation we had years ago. He said to me that the friendship we had was different from others because he felt that he could be completely honest with me. Maybe it was at the time, I think  things have changed.

Tastes Change

Is your relationship lacking in the sex department? Is your wife/partner bored with the way you have sex? Do you initiate sex the same way every time? Is it time to spice things up in the bedroom?

Sexual tastes change over the years. Oh yes, I am the living proof. I'm sure that sexual tastes change for just about everyone. We come to a point in our lives where we have accomplished a certain sexual maturity and knowledge and the more immature needs turn into more 'sophisticated' needs. We are influenced throughout our lives by the people we meet and have relations with, people we talk to, things we see and read, movies we watch and even internet porn. It would be impossible not to change. 

Would it be totally wrong to ask your partner if their tastes have changed? would it be a mistake? is it better to try to fumble in the dark and figure it out?

I know that at the beginning of a relationship discovery is important and it's certainly better to have some mystery in the bedroom. But after 10 years (or more) of being with someone I think we tend to get ingrained into a certain style of having sex. It's hard to fathom that people change over the years. It's hard to see your partner as the 40 or 50 year old he/she is. We (at least me) often still imagine our partners as who they were when we met them or when our knowledge of them was concretised. 

So would it be wrong to ask our partners what they like in bed?

Music

The vibrating base can be felt from the feet up through the body to the head. The sound is deafening, it's the sensation that the world is in another dimension. It's there you just can't hear it. Like taking a painkiller. The pain is subdued, but you know it's still there. It's just your brain tricked into thinking it's not.


The music surrounds you and envelops you. It wraps its cold tentacles around you, the beat pounding as if you had a second heart. Your body gets confused, your breathing quickens to match the beat and the adrenaline hits you. 


Sweaty bodies everywhere, warm and humid, moving unanimously to the sneaky rhythm, jumping, pounding and swaying. Slithering together like a colony of ants on a drop of honey. They’ve got one mind, one soul, and the world is gone around them.

Hands reach around your waist, slipping easily over your skin leaving a trail of warmth on your belly. A gravitational strength pulls you closer. The music has taken over your mind you can’t comprehend so you just go with the flow. Your sensations are impeded, but you can feel his breath on your neck, it’s different from the rest of the humidity in the air, it’s sweeter, it’s warmer, it’s closer. His lips graze that perfect curve between your neck and your shoulder. Your head lolls to the side while your eyes roll back into your head and you forget the music altogether.

All sound is gone. It’s there, just like the world is still there, you know it is. You just can’t see it or hear it anymore. Your world has centred onto that moment, that sensation of him. His breath, his hands, his strength, his warmth. 

Oh yeah!

Co-Worker


How could I possibly forget about this episode???
I was sitting on the couch one evening, I had bf and another group friend sitting across from me. They both know Co-worker. I was writing an email to a friend of mine on my Gmail account and as you probably know there's a chat option. I saw Co-worker on so I sent him a little note saying hi. We chatted a moment and then he asked if I had a cam. I was confused. He was obviously speaking in Italian but he used the word cam instead of Telecamera, the Italian word.

In any case he wanted me to help him set it up so that he could video chat with Gmail.
After a bunch of installations and updates on his side, he finally got it worked out. And we turned the cams on, and used voice. Our friend by that time had already gone home. I told bf what was going on.. obviously, he would have been somewhat suspicious had I started talking to some invisible person on internet....

He had slow internet which cut us off a couple of times. And eventually I told him that I had to go.

I've been hoping to see him online while bf is out at some point. I don't have any idea what I'd do or if anything but friendly chatting would happen, but I still look forward to it.

So much going on, yet so little...

ROB

Things are up and down as usual. Rob and I had a rough little chat the other day. It was my fault entirely. I asked him if he would come to Rome for a few days if I booked a hotel there. I was thinking that it'd be relatively easy for me to get down there for a weekend. 

I sent the text in the morning and got no answer. Then I caught him on FB chat in the afternoon (which is unusual), and I asked him if he got my message, he said "yeah, I'll be on tonight we'll talk about it then". 

Then we met up on skype, he didn't want to turn on the cam (hence no visuals... always makes things difficult to understand what the other person is inflecting or feeling). And he asked me if I had anything I wanted to ask him... I said that I had already asked him, and he said he'd never be able to pull it off.

I guess throughout the day, I had gotten my hopes up too high. When I saw him on FB I figured there'd actually be something to talk about. But then those hopes went crashing and burning to the ground. I was left feeling disappointed, and generally pissy... He could tell from the way I was writing and he told me to go to bed. 

If he had told me no straight away after my first text, it would have been easier for me. I was expecting him to say no. It was the FB thing that put me on the wrong track.

At that point I told Rob the truth, I needed to get it off my chest. I told him that a 22 yr old Italian guy asked me if I'd go to Rome with him. Italian Guy had made it sound so easy, (and he was jumping at the idea). I didn't/don't want to go with the Italian guy, I'd rather go with Rob. So I figured I'd ask him. When he declined I felt like he wasn't making an effort... but it's not the case. It was pretty unreasonable and unrealistic of me to expect him to fly out to Rome. He's right, he'd never be able to explain that to his girlfriend.

Since then I caught him on line this morning for 15 minutes. The conversation was lacking in general. I need to get some distance for a bit I think. I haven't heard or seen him much online in the past while (apart these two episodes), it had been a month or so since we really had time to chat, but I think I just need to get some distance after this.

I'm wondering if Rob is taking his distances too at times. I feel a bit strange, I've always been 100% honest with him, I've never lied to him or even withheld information from him really... unless I know he doesn't want to hear something. But I get the feeling sometimes that I'm not getting the same treatment. Simple things, perhaps stupid things like the fact that he knows my real full name and I don't know his. I wonder what he's afraid of and that he chats or doesn't with other people. Argh... whatever, I shouldn't think about shit like that. It'll just mess with my head.

ITALIAN GUY

The Italian guy has not let up his quest. I have tentatively said that I'd like to go... because when I talk to him, see him on Skype I honestly feel like I do. When he's gone my mind starts working again and I don't want to go anymore.... So I told him I might get away after Halloween, which will keep him happy for a while... then I'll figure out how to tell him no. 

CO-WORKER

I had an interesting event with the Co-Worker the other day. Let me start by saying that our contact has been reduced a little, he doesn't come to eat at the cafeteria with me and the others anymore, I'm assuming he's trying to save money because he brings his lunch from home. The physical contact has reduced too... although when there is contact it is different... a little more lingering. He grabbed my hands twice yesterday to see if they were cold. I plunged my freezing hands down the back of his shirt to see his reaction, and he didn't blink. 

The event of note was at the end of Wednesday afternoon I said I was going to go home and jump into a boiling hot shower to warm up and get clean. He mumbled something that I didn't quite catch and I asked him what he'd said. He got a slightly embarrassed look on his face and said jokingly"don't suppose you need someone to scrub your back for you?" I laughed and said yes. And he got all flustered and said "what? wait, no... you can't..." and then I walked out of the room grinning. No-one was around so no-one noticed the episode. 

I had the worst urge to write him a text after my shower telling him that I had missed his company. But I refrained. I was afraid his girlfriend would read it by mistake or something. That would have gotten me and him into a ton of trouble. 

CHATROULETTE

I was on chatroulette the other day while bf was out. I stumbled upon two Finnish men who were drinking wine and eating sausages. It was hilarious. One was really hot, the other was sort of a roley poley bearish guy with a great sense of humor. I asked them if they were eating bratwurst, and they answered Moose. I started laughing and the conversation got surreal from there. The showed me their wine, they asked me if I had any, and I decided to open a bottle of white that I had in the fridge. I got tipsy chatting with them. They absolutely cracked me up. It was the most I'd laughed in ages. Bf then got home and I typed in my skype address, but I didn't get any request. I think one was married with kids. He was filling a baby bottle with milk at one point, while the other took me on a tour of the house. 

*I've decided that I'd format my updates in little mini chapters... that way people can skip parts they don't like... heheh I think it's easier than doing separate posts for each topic. I just don't have time. Once I sit down to write I might as well write it all down.*

What do you want to hear?

I have this urge to write, but I don't know what to write. 

Should I talk about what I want you to do to me? What I want to feel right now? What I'd be willing to do for you right now?

I'd be willing to get down on my knees and suck you off. I'd be willing to just submit to you, I'd be willing have you fuck me on my new shag carpet (and there was a pun intended there, although it was unavoidable). 

 I got this fantastic rug at IKEA yesterday, it's all soft and fuzzy and I've been fantasizing about having sex on it. I'm somehow sure I'd get carpet-burn though.

I'd be willing to have you fuck me from behind with a hand pulling hair and head around to make me watch, or in front of a mirror so I could watch everything. I would taste myself on you, lap up all the juices and ask for more. I want to hear your words, sighs, grunts and groans. I want to feel the warmth of your body next to mine and the cold of the air on my naked skin while you do what you want with me. 

I want to feel your fingers in my mouth, probing me and wandering across my body. 

I want to discover you, find out what makes you tick, feel every part of you, feel the skin stretch across your muscles. I want to memorize your smell, ingrain it into my brain. And I want to learn every inch of your body.

Let's Rationalise.

It's funny how our minds rationalise things.

I can justify cheating on bf if it's something that I've been wanting to do for a long time, like to fuck Rob. I can rationalise cheating on bf if it's a threesome because it's something that I don't want to miss out on in my lifetime.

But I can't rationalise just having random sex with a good looking 22 yr old.

Why can't I rationalise that? It's just as bad as the others....

What's keeping me from doing it? I have the opportunity... I can organise it relatively easily.

My body wants to, but my mind says that I'd be "cheating". My rationalisation isn't rational, is it?  I think I'll have smoke coming out of my ears in a few minutes. My mind is going into overload trying to figure this out.

Maybe I should give in to all temptation.

Two people have mentioned this quote in two days:

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it - Oscar Wilde


All I can say here is that it is absolutely true, then again this came from a man who died destitute at the age of 46, and was imprisoned for sodomy and gross indecency.

At the time, gay relations were illegal and he gave into temptation only to be caught and sent to jail.

The Urge

The urge to flirt and conquest is so strong at times it almost takes over my physical actions.
While riding my bike today I happened to look down a side street that had the patio of a coffee bar. There was a guy sitting with friends there and we made eye contact. I had sunglasses on, mirrored ones, so I'm not sure how all this went down, but I'm positive he was looking me straight in the eyes.

He was talking to his friends and staring straight at me. And I just kept watching. I didn't take my eyes off him. He wasn't particularly attractive to me, although he wasn't by any means ugly. He just wasn't my type. I don't know what cam over me but I just wanted to go back to see what he'd do, I wanted to get off my bike and walk past and smile, I wanted to gain his trust, I wanted to go out on the prowl and claim my prize....

a kiss

They were saying goodbye. He was running for a train. They had spent the afternoon together and they were both on edge the whole time, almost to the point that they were both feeling queasy. She was "taken" and they had basically been wandering around the town where she lived. They could run into someone she knew too easily. 

They were both shy and no one would take the first step, but time was running out, they only had 15 minutes before his train was in. 

He stammered sentences; something about having a good time, something about meeting up again. She wasn't concentrating on what he was saying. She just stared at him and started giggling nervously. She stopped him, told him that it was awkward and said "what should we do... should we..." She pointed at him then at herself and he understood. 

It was a matter of seconds, the gravitational pull forced them together, his hand reached for the nape of her neck, hair tangling between his fingers,  and the other slid slowly down her back to her ass. They were locked into an intense kiss, they had both wanted it so badly. She was utterly aware of every sensation, yet her mind was clouded. Her actions were not connected to her thoughts. It felt like some sort of organised confusion.

His lips soft against hers contrasting with the grazing abrasion of their teeth which was so similar to the sensation she felt below; the metal of their belts knocked together when he pulled her in closer. She could taste his sweet minty breath from the gum she had offered him and her hand automatically reached for his jaw pulling him in even closer, wanting only to feel the sensations of his skin in her hand. 

It only lasted two short minutes that seemed to make time stand still, then he backed away from her and started talking again. 

That was it. It was over. He was walking away. She started to turn, started to wave, but he came back towards her. His hand reached out for her head a second time and that magnetic connection was made yet again. This time tasting more, her tongue slipped in between his lips, gliding under his teeth parted just enough to let her in. The tips of their tongues met for an instant and then pulled away. Her lips moved down to his bottom lip to take it between hers to feel its suppleness.

The second kiss lasted less than the first. And they parted this time walking away immediately, only glancing back to see if the other was moving away. A wave and he was gone. As he moved further into the lights that lit the front of the train station, she melted into the darkness of the street ahead of her.

Bad Judgement.

I think I've been making mistakes in judgement.

I thought that everyone behaved the same on internet. I figured everyone just got naked and played around... I don't think that's always the case. I now honestly believe that there are people, even with the opportunities, that don't think of it. It doesn't come to mind. Or maybe it does, but they don't do it for one reason or another.

I'm going to have to review my own behaviour I think.

The best part

The best part of sex is that initial penetration. That moment when it's slippery and wet, but not enough to get a good hard cock in smoothly.
I like that little leap of faith that has to be made to penetrate a wet but tight pussy.
That initial tightness and then slip into bliss. That feeling of pressure, of force to make it into the depths of the moist cavern where it will slide and slip and bring the internal juices outward.
It really is taking a chance, pushing in beyond the initial sensation of tension. It's like a relationship; getting past the emotional tension, the warmth and love is to be found beyond.
That success is what makes me moan; that penetration of one body almost forced into the other while obviously accepted.

Another week goes by

I knew that I'd have difficulty keeping up once work got more intense, but I'm also going through a bit of a writing low recently. I've got a post on dildos lined up, but other than that I just wish I had more time to write.

Today something of some note happened with co-worker which got me thinking. He walked up behind me and was talking to people over my shoulder and he directed some of what he was saying towards me, I turned to look at him and saw him so close and I instinctively leaned back (my shoulders to his chest) onto him. Later in the morning I was leaning over to clean up an area on a desk and he backhanded my ass. And to be honest I wasn't wearing anything provocative, Jeans, black coop neck shirt and a tweed jacket, very low kitty heel square toed shoes. My hair was pulled up tight in a messy bun and a shiny black headband. (I wonder if it's the hair pulled up like that. It's weird, guys tend to flirt more when my hair is pulled up like that.)

It is not the first time he has done that. It's the second. The first was last year, it was a flick. This time was a full on backhanded bump, not quite a slap, he had something in his hand. It was fully intentional though. It made me smile. I'm not sure anyone noticed... Although I wouldn't be surprised if my grin was noticed.

*****

At the lunch cafeteria today we got back onto the topic of hair grooming below the waist, luckily I was not the only girl present this time, but we somehow came right back to my own hair maintenance habits. What ultimately came out of the conversation was that in summer it's basically easy to tell what a woman does with her hair (I've been on a boat in bikini with these men).

I had no idea. I didn't think men even looked at that kind of thing. I hadn't realised that they paid attention to it. 

It will make me self conscious from now on. 

*****

I screwed up kinda bad the other day while texting Rob. It was even funny... I'd say it was a totally random set of events. 

Here's the deal, to hide Rob in my phone I've memorised his number under a London girl's name. So let's say my friend's name was Ronda, I memorised her name as Ronda and Rob's name as RONDA. She lived in Italy but they both live in GB now so if he texts me it'll be in English and bf won't suspect who it is. He'll think it's her. It's perfect. Except for the fact that I could get confused. 

Well I was texting Rob yesterday, I told him I was on line, he said he was at work, and then I actually tried (for the first time ever ) to call him. There was no answer. I sent him a message saying "I tried calling you... bla bla bla"

I got a text saying "How're you doing? I've got a new job..."

And I answered "Woah, where'd that come from? are you still working shifts? I want to catch up!...blah blah blah"

I ran out of space and didn't put the usual x's I put on every text, and I didn't say miss you or anything naughty.

The text came back saying "I got the job while I was still in Italy". And I looked at the name better and freaked. It was my girl friend! phew..... man, I'm glad I didn't say something like, I really want to suck your cock or something worse!

Hah... I did however apologise to her saying that I thought someone else had written me. I doubt she even blinked.

I'll just have to pay better attention. But it was random that she happened to text me in the midst of texting Rob. 

memory lane.

Hello my bloggies!

It has been a while. Here's what I've been up to: working, working, working, flirting, working, sleeping, working, working, flirting, eating, sleeping, working.

That's about it.

One interesting thing I did do though was pick up some boxes that my dad sent me 9 years ago after he sold the house back home. I then left these boxes at a friend's house because I didn't have space for them and 9 years later I went to pick them up.

I've been going through them. It's kinda scary. It's all stuff that I had when I was 10. I've been reading my diaries from when I was in elementary school. They're hilarious. I was totally obsessed with boys. On every single entry, which was almost every day, I wrote I love David, a kid that was in my class. Yep, I was interested in sex at the age of 10. Ok, maybe not sex, but I did mention how good it felt when they touched me, in ANY way, even if they grabbed me or touched my hair.
I would go looking for guys on the street. I would chase them on my bike. I was a depraved little girl.

Aahh the memories.

I think the best part though is the notes I passed in Jr. High school with friends. I almost cried laughing reading some of them. Me and a friend of mine used to make fun of one teacher in specific. We thought he was a total loser. Actually I'm pretty sure he was a total loser. But we drew the funniest pictures of him. We were actually really morbid about it too, cutting him into pieces and hanging him out to dry. It was insane.

I'm going to have to sit and read all that stuff at some point.

Right, so that's how I'm spending my weekend. Sorting through all the boxes. There's so much stuff I have to get rid of, it's kind of sad. I just don't have space for it all.

*****

On a different note. I spent yesterday cringing at the lunch table. I was the only woman again with three guys. Luckily my co-worker wasn't there, I'd have been even more embarrassed. My guy friends started talking about hair removal. One of my friends owns a beauty salon and he had the hair on his arm waxed and he started suggesting the other guys do the same. Then the topic moved to the lower parts of the body and I wasn't really involved in this conversation, I was obviously interested, but I wasn't participating. He kept suggesting one of our hairier friends to groom his pubic hair, not wax it... which would undoubtedly be painful (apparently some guys do it), but to groom it with a hair trimmer.

Somehow my friends managed to embarrass one of the waitresses that works there by asking her if she liked hairy men or not. And then the conversation turned to women and what women do. There are now shapes that can be obtained in the female aesthetics of hair grooming: stars, arrows, a strip et.
My friend turned to me and said, "you have a very short groomed strip or at most slight triangle". And I just wanted to slip under the table and hide. These are guys are always joking about sex and I'm right along with it. But how I groom my hair is just not something I really want these men to be thinking about when I see them. Two are married the other is heavily involved. Anyhow I didn't confirm nor deny what he had suggested, although he is very close. My other married friend said "that's what you want to think, not the reality" Heh.
Too funny.

So my realisation from this conversation is that given the opportunity, since one had a huge crush on me when I met him years ago, the other is flirting with me like crazy (the one that owns a beauty salon), and the other who would screw anything he could get his hands on, they'd all fuck me. It's kinda scary, they're all such good friends. I wouldn't give them up for anything. But the reality is they're men. They'd probably even gang-bang me if I suddenly came out with it. They might have some moral problems with the it at first, but they'd do it.

This is all pure fantasy people. There's no way in hell that this would ever come close to happening unless we all got incredibly drunk one evening in some abandoned place without my boyfriend around. And even then I doubt it would happen.

But the knowledge that they'd do it kinda weirds me out.

*****

Salut friends, I'll hopefully get more writing in the next while. I probably won't be as busy with stuff as I was this week, and I'll try to take some HNT pictures this weekend.

One strange thing is that I haven't written in over a week and I've gained 4 followers. Strange eh...

I want my Co-worker... bad

I've discovered something interesting. I was invited to the inauguration of a couple art shows two weeks ago. My cute co-worker was going and so was my boss and other pseudo friends so I decided to tag along. Free food, free alcohol, why not? oh yeah and art ;-)

I went on my own hoping that my co-worker would be there alone too. He wasn't, he brought his girlfriend along. I was not disappointed much because it was enlightening and interesting. I found that he isn't touchy feely with me when his girlfriend is around. I kinda figured he was like that with everyone all the time. But he's not. His girlfriend looked at me funny when I touched his elbow to get his attention at one point. He didn't socialise with me much at all.

All in all I like her, she's a little shy, almost aloof, but when I got talking to her I found that she has the same sense of humour I do.

It was unfortunate that she was there though in a certain sense because I was half hoping to get drunk with him and have some flirty fun. But that was obviously not on the agenda with her there.

At work comments continue and he often tempts me and I tempt him. It's becoming something of a bad habit. Sooner or later someone is going to say something.

When we go to lunch together he always sits next to me now. Today though I noticed that he kept his arm touching mine. I don't normally notice things like this, I feel like a teenager saying this, but there was a lot of intention in that placing. We both kept our arms on the table touching, but just barely brushing. Neither of us moved. When he would move away to get his phone or a pen, he would move his arm right back where it was. We weren't in the least crowded or cramped into the space either, we had a lot of space around us to move but we both kept our arms there intentionally. We both need the physical contact.

If we keep going down this road, we're going to end up regretting something... or not, but it will get messy.

I think I might tell him that one of these days I'm going to jump on him if he keeps tempting me. It'll be one of those jokes non joke. Like the one I said today: "I've had too much garlic people, no kisses please!"
And he yelled out: "Nooooo, darned it."

The whole thing, especially thinking about his arm touching mine, makes my tummy jump.

Convincing myself

He knows exactly which buttons to press to turn me on

He knows how to mind fuck me. The mind fucking isn't always sexual, it can be games, or words.

We don't need to see each other or get naked to get turned on.

We don't use audio so it's not the voice that does it.

It's the words.

It's like a safe, you have to put in the right combination. With voice and video it's easier (in my opinion) to turn someone on. But it's not as easy with single words. Sentences aren't necessary. He can do it through a text message on my phone or through msn or through Skype.

Should I talk about love?

Well the deal is this. I've been asked by him and a few others if I'm in love with him. My answer is a constant NO for one main reason. I don't know him. Despite 9 years (or more) of chatting on internet, seeing each other on video and even meeting once in real life. There is no way that I could possibly know who he is without interacting with him in a social environment more than once. Internet is like a desert island, it's just the two of us. No outside factors to deal with no interactions with others. How could I possibly be in love with someone without truly understanding who he is.

What is it then?

I've done some research and I've finally decided upon infatuation. Now I used this word with him once and I may have repeated it here, but I was never really sure if it was the correct term and now I've been convinced by This article.

Funky funk.

Yes... the HNT this week is missing. I'm in a bit of a funk. Sorry.

I talked to Rob yesterday. I've spoken to him three times this week. The first was mentioned in my last post about him. The second was brief and rather sad because he was in a mood and was very untalkative. But he did promise to get me off that same evening. I tried staying up late that night to wait for him, but I got tired and went to bed. He apologised the next morning because he had also fallen asleep. We caught up that same morning on Skype bf happened to go out for 30 minutes so Rob had a quick opportunity to try to get me off.

It was a list of one words again, and it's insane how fast it gets me wet. Orders and commands and descriptions and sensations. It's an overload of mind fucking. I came twice... that is rare.

He was hard and wanted to get himself off, he said he was feeling naughty so I told him to cum for me.
Then bf came home... I told him to continue. I've never done that before... I mean watching Rob cum with bf coming through the front door. It was hot as hell. I want more, I want him.

I'm so horny that I fantasise about bf fingering me, or fucking me and I get wet, but when bf comes close I move away. I don't want it. It's probably not healthy. I need to get a grip on my(sexual)self I think. Or I just need to fuck Rob and get it over with.

I'm working on that too. I checked flights over to London and they're dirt cheap these days. I just need to figure out if I can get away with it for work.

Inferno

I happened across a new art exhibition today in an old church. It's Dante Alighieri month and it is an exhibit on the Divine Comedy. Well The church has the front door and a big painting on a wall in front of you when you walk in. Then you need to decide whether to go right or left past the wall. I chose left. Who knows why.

As you may already know Dante's Divine Comedy is divided into four parts. Heaven, Purgatory, Limbo and Hell.

Well I just happened to enter into the Hell side. I walked all the way round the back of the church and back down the other side which was Purgatory then Heaven.

I can't help but think that somehow it all means something that I did it all in that order. Ok so the book was written in that order, but still... Why did I have to go left?

In any case a funny thing happened. At the exit there was a table with postcards on it depicting some of the paintings in the exhibit. Each visitor could take a postcard each. I studied them all and chose the one I liked best, but I couldn't remember having seen the painting so I asked the guard. He took me back to where the paintings were and said that it must be there somewhere because he had seen it. I looked at each painting closely but could not find mine. Then, from a dark curtained room in the middle of the church, that I thought was off limits, the guard reappeared saying "It's in Limbo!". I cracked up. I thought it was pretty ironic that the "missing" painting would be in limbo.

It was a spectacular painting. I might have to go back and study it some more.

Conversation with Rob

The conversation was good for a few reasons: one is that I never get tired of the conversations (unless he's in the non-talkative mood). Two, I got pictures of his cock. He trimmed his hair so I told him to take pictures for me... it was a turn on to say the least.... I love pics of his cock. I now have a collection.
Three because we played a word game we used to play often. It starts with one word, and you have to find all the possible combinations that have the same endings. This time it started with a typo "nop"and went through, bop, mop, top, cop, sop... you get the idea, until someone can't think of something or comes up with a word that doesn't exist. Lastly because of a portion of conversation that stuck in my mind.
It went like this:

rob: i should be doing stuff
me: me too. we're bad.
rob: we are. whens it going to end
me: which? being bad?
rob: yeah
me: never I hope....
rob: me too
me: are you getting tired?
rob: nope. just older
me: me too

Candlelight hopes

I came home yesterday afternoon after a lunch with bf and friends to find myself strangely taken over by someone else's brain.

I actually started tidying and cleaning the whole house. Something inside me must have snapped. It has something to do with the fact that my londoner girlfriend gave me a bunch of towels, bedding and placemats since she decided to go back home. I wanted to make the house neat and find space for all these things.

I spent the whole evening, while bf was at work, cleaning and tidying instead of playing on skype or perving on internet. I'm proud of myself. Not only that but I decided to surprise him too.

I drew arrows on printer paper, they went to the washroom first, where I wrote he should brush his teeth and wash his hands. Then they went to the bedroom.

I set little tea candles along the arrow signs, and more candles in the bedroom. I have berry tea candles, so I used those for the bedroom.

I got myself dressed in my black corset, black lace panties and stay up nylons. I pulled back the covers on the bed and lay waiting till he got home. I read until he got back from work and as soon as I heard his key in the lock I turned off my light.

He laughed and called out to me, saying that he didn't think anyone was home. He kept laughing from the hallway saying how much of a dork I am. He said (from the hallway still) that he wasn't going to tie me up (I've been begging him forever) and he refused to wash his hands and brush his teeth. He came directly into the bedroom praying that I hadn't tied myself up. And when he saw me all dressed up he giggled and said, you didn't tie yourself up did you?

He then stood in the doorway and said he wasn't feeling well. When I didn't answer he went off to the washroom and washed his hands, cock and brushed his teeth.

Nothing really went as I had planned.

He came in, sat down on the bed and proceeded to say he had to call his mother. So then a 15 minute telephone call ensued where he just left me on the bed. I can't blame him for the telephone call, it was important. But he could have come into the bedroom to keep me company at least.

He finally came back in and got undressed on his own. That was something I wanted to do for him, and give him a little head before starting on the sexcapades. The rest went as it was supposed to. It was more normal than I had wanted, but it was nice none the less.

My climax was good, I was upright on top facing him ( as usual ) and he had pulled my corset down to expose my breasts. He unusually stuffed 2 fingers in my mouth deep. He normally just probes a little with one. But with two almost in my throat it was hot. I tilted my head back, and the saliva ran onto his fingers and he pulled them out to lubricate my nipple. As soon as he did that I came.

We laid there after his small climax... I'm guessing it had something to do with the fact that he wasn't feeling well... quietly on the bed, me laying on his thighs, we talked a little and then he asked me if I'd be offended if he got up.

He went and caught football/soccer on the tv and I stayed in the bedroom to read.

All in all, I had my hopes up too high probably. I was hoping it would be a little more romantic.

He did say that it was a relief that I was around because I could liven up the relationship a bit (it's a pretty bad translation, but it's the closest I can get).

Dildo

So I've had some interesting evenings recently and I thought I'd tell the tales.
The first was a birthday party. It was a fairly dressy dinner thing with a mixed group of people from different places. 3 Americans (two women and a gay man), a gay Swiss man, a gay Argentinean man, a man from Nigeria (if I'm not mistaken), and a handful of Italians. Most were men.

My end of the table had the two American women one of which was from a town she nicknamed Mildew. Which brought to mind where my grandparents are from. Dildo. Yes folks, there's a town in Canada called Dildo. It's in Newfoundland.

Oh yes it was a good laugh indeed when I explained this. It always is. And I love that this town is in my history. The Americans then asked the Italians how to say dildo in Italian. And we realised that there is no such word to translate this object. There's the word vibrator, but not dildo. So then we started wondering the etymology of the word dildo. ( I have decided to do further research on the subject and will post about it at some point).

Then that friend of mine, the british girl that I would go out and get occasionally drunk with decided to go back to London. She decided to have a last girls day with me and the friend we have in common. It was an evening of drinking vodka, wine and cleaning her apartment so that she didn't have to do it alone. I diligently washed her fridge. I mentioned the evening out at the birthday party and brought up the dildo conversation. And the conversation went way further than I would have possibly imagined. 

Let me give you a rundown on the two girls. The Londoner is a 28 yr old girl who flirts tons, probably sleeps around a little, but overall is a good and pretty normal girl. Then there's our friend in common who is usually really pretty uptight and shy, although she has these strange outbursts of flirtiness when guys are around. She's a huntress and wants her prey. She's pretty, blond, nice tits but the general consensus on her personality is that she's odd and somewhat annoying. 

Let's get back to the conversation. Right, so the Londoner joked saying she had three vibrators, I asked what colours. And then our blond friend admitted that one of the guys that works with her bought her three vibrators. Among which one that was black and studded with rhinestones. hunh.... who'dve guessed? 

Since we were cleaning out the Londoner's apartment and taking anything she wasn't going to take back with her I asked her what was in her top dresser drawer. She squealed and refused to let me see what was inside. I jumped to the obvious conclusion that her vibrator was in there. 

I caught a glimpse of what was in there while the other two were off dumping garbage. Yep it was a bright pink rabbit.

It looked something like this.... not exactly but I was drunk and didn't want to pull it out of her drawer to get a good look at it.

So I have to make one confession. I flirted with the Londoner. If there was any girl I'd get into bed with, it'd be her I think, while I was really drunk though. I don't know if she caught on, she might have just assumed I was being playful or over zealous. In any case, I found her trying to sleep on the bed at one point, she was pretty drunk, and I practically jumped on her. But all's good (so to speak), nothing happened... darn eh?

She's gone now, I'm sad, and I'll miss her, but I'll see her in London next time I go. So that is ok.