There are moments when I think I might just implode. The pressure of everything that goes on around me is sometimes overwhelming.... in a good way, I think.
It could be any combination of things to trigger this feeling, from a video to music, to food, or a smell or a look in an eye or a comment made by someone I know or even a dialogue in a film or a sitcom. They can all throw me for a loop and my mind starts whirring, starts analysing and trying to dissect things.
Why does my mind have to work like this?
Do I like it?
yeah, I love it. I love the analytics. I love the anxiety caused by all the thinking. I love the drama, I'm addicted to it. It's probably one reason why I get myself into certain situations. I feel the need to keep my mind busy. I think I fear feeling like I've died if it all ends. I can't fathom having a life without some kind of drama in it. Some kind of guy that I'm interested in. What would I feel like without the anxiety, without the worry and the constant thoughts of wanting someone and especially the sensation of being wanted?
Want a cliché? Life is too short to pass this kind of sensation up. The constant adrenaline in your veins, your mind constantly playing a scene, a touch, a look, a thought, a text, a sentence a word even, over and over in your mind like an old video tape being rewound over and over again until it gets distorted and the audio gets warped.
Does this mean I'm selfish?
Probably. I don't really think I care enough about the person who is in my life trying to live their life next to mine. I am more worried about my 'drugs' than working on an actual relationship.
Some people need drama in their lives. It keeps them going. It's like the times when you work so hard to reach a goal. Then you reach it & realize that by reaching it, you've created a void & you need a new goal to work on. Nothing wrong with being selfish. Life's too short to not be selfish.
ReplyDeleteExactly... for me it comes in waves though, different needs for different times. A couple of years ago I suddenly found myself in such desperate need for adventure, or I guess, as you put it, drama. I was bored out of my mind, lacking challenges. But hey, look what happened ;)... we have a way of giving ourselves what we need, which I think is entirely a good thing. Call it selfish - or completely necessary. (Plus, I enjoy reading about your particular dramas... keep them coming, haha)
ReplyDeleteI dangerously sent this post to my best friend back home. And she has given me a plausible answer to my problem. I will be looking into it and perhaps even posting her answer. I have to think about it.
ReplyDeleteJohanna: Don't worry, as long as they continue happening I'll keep them coming!
We all need some kind of drama to feel alive and our imagination going, I think. Otherwise, we may die of boredom, life can be such a routine sometimes.
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