Down and out

This evening... I feel really lonely. I don't have any real reason to. I've got so many cool friends in my real life, and in my online life that I really should feel grateful.

I appreciated the various emails and comments on the last post. I went to see the doctor today but the health care system here is a bit slow. So I'll be getting an ultrasound done next Friday, and I've got an appointment to see a gastrointerologist next week too. I need to book an appointment to get an endoscopy done, a gyno appointment and another ultrasound on the ovaries but those will be harder, the earliest appointments are available sometime between April and May.

I'm feeling a bit down and out, not just because of the health stuff. I was in pretty good spirits up to this afternoon when I got home from the doctor's appointment. I found more ash on the stove top along with a glass with a few millimetres of water in the bottom with more ash in it. So bf smoked again. I asked him what the glass with ash in it was, and he got all flustered and said there was ash on the counter top and that he had wiped it into the glass. He changed where it was twice and a half hour later he got up and told me the story again, changing the information yet again. He kept sustaining that it was incense ash. I haven't burned incense in over a month. He knows I didn't believe him. I kept thinking "choose my battles, choose them" and I let the whole thing drop.

Over dinner he told me that he thought my health problems were not, as I had often sustained, due to work stress, but due to problems between us. That I tend to build up anger and unsaid problems towards him.
Strange thing is that I don't really have any pent up anger with him at the moment... or I didn't until the smoking incident today.

Co-worker is going away for three weeks. He leaves Monday. That also makes me feel lonely. And I haven't really heard from Rob lately. We caught up on line a few days ago, but it was a really short. I told him that I was down with the flu, which is what I thought it was. But I haven't heard from him since. He hasn't texted even to say hi or see how I am. I'm sure he's busy but nonetheless it hasn't helped my mood either.

Another reason for my mood is food. I'm such a huge food person, especially chocolate and bread. And I can't eat either of those. I made brownies for a dinner Thursday and practically they're all just sitting there waiting to be eaten. I'm thinking I should just forget the "diet" and pig out on brownies so that I end up in hospital and get the tests and ultrasounds done basically for free....