I'm exhausted.... it's been a really busy week. I haven't had time for much of anything. Next week should be slower, except that Thursday, Friday, Saturday I've got guests coming.
Things have progressed a little on the studio front. I've contacted a few places and found a couple studios at the price I'm looking for. The stupid real estate agent that quoted me the price before tax got back to me and told me that they'd be able to come down a little and managed to quote me 385 with tax. I said I'd think about it.
Today I even got called about bigger apartment freeing up. Bf and I have also been thinking of getting a bigger apartment instead of me getting a studio. So maybe we'll go see that next week.
As Johanna said in her comment, I probably need to think about this and wait until after my trip. I think the trip will help me sort things out in my mind. It will definitely be a test for bf and I.... definitely.
Bf has really been trying hard. I think he's paranoid of losing me. He hasn't said anything negative to me at all since our "talk". He seduces me whenever he gets the chance too. He calles me "my love" all the time now too... It's kind of out of character, and kinda strange. He spent 5 minutes just giving me little kisses this morning before going for his run. I was still sleeping, kinda and I wasn't really appreciating it. I didn't move away, but I wanted to. I knew it would hurt his feelings if I did, so I just stayed put.
He's even getting "creative in bed" which is ok, but it means that I'm not reaching orgasm as much these days.
I'm looking forward to the end of June because bf will be out all day. He's doing an intensive English course in a town nearby, he'll be taking the train out and will be out all day every day for 2 weeks. I'm so stoked about that, I will have my freedom. And I may even have a week off work during that time.... hopefully....
I'm probably getting boring and repetitive. I miss Rob. Although I've been busy during the mornings and have had very little time to think about anything. In the afternoons I find myself hoping to find an email or a hit on the sitemeter. I keep trying to find reasons to write him, and when I can't think of anything I just leave it be. We usually send about an email a day, just to say hi, and literally it's just a one word email. We've chatted briefly in the evenings via skype, no video, just a chat. He was exhausted one eve and I the other, so it was just to say hi.
On a completely separate note, I got called to teach a priest. I had to go to the chapel. It was awkward, I love churches, old ones, but this was an ugly new little chapel at the hospital here. And I felt like I was going to burst into flames or something lol. Anyhow the priest turned out to be a nice guy, friendly, and during my 2 hour lesson I even got the urge to confess all my sins to him... how weird is that? hah. Anyhow it's strange how minds work. I've never been a religious person, my parents didn't even baptize me. I am basically the epitome of the sinner I'd say.
I wonder what advice he'd have given you if you did follow him to a confessional booth.
ReplyDeleteYou're not getting repetitive or boring, everything's just in a holding pattern until "the test of the big trip" is administered.
I'd love to see you teaching the priest and knowing what you were thinking about. It sounds like a set-up for one of my Sunday posts.
ReplyDeleteI think your blog is still interesting because you are being more and more honest even if you might be trying to hide some things.
"I didn't move away, but I wanted to. " This one is a telling sign that things are over, or near to over, since you said this, you said his creativity wasn't helping you cum, and that you "will have your freedom" for one day while BF is gone. This isn't the language of a woman looking to the future with her partner. You are only supposed to feel that way after being married a long time, not right now.
I hope you weekend goes well and that you find time to be creative for a bit. Your art deserves attention.
Ethan: Probably a couple of Hail Mary's and an Our father....
ReplyDeleteBut yeah the test will be the tell all I hope at least... maybe it'll come to nothing.
Advizor: We have been married a long time. But yeah, things for me feel mostly like they're over...
I'd say it's normal to want time of your own, at least this far in into a relationship... honestly, couldn't that be the source of your problems? After 15+ years I still love spending time with my husband, we have fun - but I would seriously hate never having time on my own on a regular basis. Even at the end of a short holiday I tend to go nuts.
ReplyDeleteThe "not wanting to hurt his feelings" part is worse, if you ask me... I think that's why my husband and I have drifted apart sexually. I so wish I had been courageous enough to risk hurting his feelings, actually right from the start, but especially when I realized I wanted something out of our sex life that I wasn't getting. Instead I went off exploring on my own... I did it in order to not hurt his feelings, but the result is a) that I'm not satisfied sexually with him, which is a growing problem, and b) we don't have the intimacy today that I think we need.
But again... the hen and the egg... there was more to it than not wanting to hurt his feelings, it was also about not desiring him... so perhaps nothing could have "cured" that. But we have kids so the situation is different, I can't think too much about it as long as the rest of the relationship is ok. You can though...
Sorry for talking so much about myself here, this should probably have been a blog post. oh well.