Ahhh the trip.... back to the trip.
So we had a lot of good times together on the trip. It wasn't all pain and arguing. It was pleasant a lot of the time.
We did have some difficulties around sex, there wasn't a lot of it. And there are various reasons why:
We had sex in NY when we first arrived, a beautiful hotel room helped a lot I think. Then we had the dreaded argument and we stopped.
Then we were in Toronto sleeping in my cousin's living room and there was no personal space what-so-ever. So that was that.... 5 more days.
Then I got my period and well, he doesn't want to have sex with me while I'm on my period so blah... that went on waaaay too long probably 2 weeks. Travelling will do that to me.
Then when we finally had enough privacy to have more sex and I was off my period, we had another MASSIVE argument and I was in tears for a day and a half, partly due to the argument, partly due to the stress of going back to my home town where I grew up and where my mother died (and I hadn't been back there since she passed away 6 years ago), not to mention having seen and spent time with all my best friends and having to say goodbye to them.
Sooo Then we went to Vegas and had more sex there, and then I was back on my period and that was the end of the trip so to speak.
On our last night in the States, bf and I had been to a friend's birthday party, we both drank and smoked a little weed. We had a pretty good time, although we'd been arguing a fair amount during those days. When we got back to the apartment though he said that he needed to go to the washroom, and he went in with the computer as he sometimes does. After a good while... I was packing and wanted to show him something, so I went towards the bathroom calling out to him asking if he was alive, as a joke. He kept answering yes, but I guess he didn't expect me to just open the door. He stood up from the toilet, and looked at me and said "are you crazy??" and I said, "Oh! did I startle you?" and he said "yeah", as he started to sit down again, and as I was closing the door (because I didn't get it too far open in the first place), I noticed he was hard! AHHHH indeed, he was jerking off in the bathroom.
So I just continued to close the door, pretended not to see anything and went on with my business. He may have noticed that I saw, or not.... who knows. But it was definitely a first. I had no idea that he jerks off in the bathroom, or maybe it's a new thing, since he got a laptop. I also kinda felt sorry for him... It's also the kind of information I didn't want to know. I could use it against him in arguments now and I'm worried I'm going to say something if I get really angry at some point.
I walked in on another bf years ago who was jerking off and I got totally upset, and couldn't understand why he didn't just come to me for sex. But this time I'm half glad to have found out that he gets himself off when he needs to.... I just wonder what kind of porn he watches. The "history" is set to not remember anything on that little pc that we take travelling with us. So I can't even go see.
There are times when I honestly think that bf might be bi or at least interested in men. I can't put my finger on it, but there are little things that make me think this on occasion.
Even if I could be completely open with all my desires (which I'm not - not with husband, anyway), and even if I had a perfect sex life (which I don't - not with husband, anyway), I can't imagine never masturbating... to me, it beats most other kinds of alone time. So I'm fine with the fact that my husband masturbates quite a lot, and he accepts that I own a vibrator which he is not at all allowed access to (though he found out by mistake). I only wish we could talk openly about it, right now it's just a silent understanding that we both know, and accept. Oh, and I'd love to discover that my man was curious of other men... but that's me :-). I can see how it's a little bit threatening as well.
ReplyDeleteI don't find it threatening per sè... But I don't like people pretending to be one thing and then being another... I'd be totally fine if I knew up front. Or if he came out and told me. But that's not the case, and I'm not expecting that to ever happen. But I don't like people faking being something their not. That's what threatens me, I think.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if your annoyance with bf is just another manifestation of the decision you are going to have to make. I suspect that in an earlier and happier time you would have probably just laughed it off.
ReplyDeleteMike
I feel an odd urge to defend bf here... since I know how hard it is to tell your long time partner of secret desires. I dream of women, I have kinky fantasies... I don't tell my husband. It doesn't mean I'm not the same person I used to be - I'm simply more open now, more in touch with myself. And I don't tell him because I fear the consequences. These things were not an issue back when we met, many years ago; he didn't choose to be with someone who's bi or has strange urges in bed. What if he wouldn't understand?
ReplyDeleteTrip sex is romanticized to a great degree, but unless it's hotel sex, it's very difficult to get things just right.
ReplyDeleteAs for his attractions, it may be that he feel's like you do, a bit stuck, unsure of what to do next, not quite settled with you, but unsure who to turn to. I promise I haven't sent him any pictures....
As for using it in an argument, that would be a harsh move, but maybe you can use it as an invitation to more intimacy with you together, either watching porn as a couple, or at least getting him to open up.