The Saddest Truth.

I found this poem floating around on FB today. I tracked down the author because I was curious where it came from and I always want to give credit where it is due.

By Beau Taplin

I found it frighteningly true, somewhat sad and incredibly pertinent.
I've always told rob he ignited a fire that only he can quench.

So what is to be done? I truly believe it's a crime not to honour that fire. How is it possible that something so compelling is so taboo? Making that connection is something that can be infinitely good for us. It can make us happy. Why should something that makes us happy be so forbidden?
Making connections is just about the most important thing we can do in life. Why hold back?

The problem is explaining it to those who don't see it, understand it or have that opportunity.
The hardest thing is explaining it to the one we've been spending our lives with.

Office guy

So Office Guy got in touch. Yeah I think that we're giving each other space at this point.

I checked the email account where he writes me (side note: he uses an account separate from this blog, only he writes there) every day from when we kissed to the saturday afternoon after. It was a total of 6 days I think 'cause we met up on the Sunday. I checked my email more than once a day even. I didn't write him, as you all know because I didn't think it was the best idea. I stopped checking because I figured if he hadn't written in a week he wouldn't write. On Saturday evening at 11pm he wrote me and asked me if I was free Sunday evening but I didn't see the email until Monday afternoon. I let another few days go by until I wrote him back.

I wrote him that I was sorry for not answering and I told him exactly what I explained above about checking for a while and eventually giving up. I also explained that I didn't know what to write to him therefore I just didn't write him. Furthermore I said that I'd enjoyed talking, which is the truth.

He echoed my feelings about enjoying talking and he reiterated his offer to meet up but this time saying that we could just talk, have a beer, kiss or let whatever happen, happen, even sex. He was very blunt about it and there's something that I almost appreciate about it. I don't know too many guys that would just come out and say that. Anyhow I still haven't answered. I guess I still don't know what to say. And I think he's ok with that. I think he understands. He isn't pushing. He's waiting for me to come to him, and that's fine.

I'm sure I'll make a decision at some point. There's no rush. I'm not physically attracted to him to the point where I want to jump on him. Sure, I've toyed with the idea. I think he's good looking too, but he doesn't draw me like Rob or the Co-Worker do. Maybe it's the lack of game involved. It was too easy. I have my prey and now I'm just toying with it like a cat and a hurt mouse. The challenge is gone.

Breath

I've been working with Co-Worker a fair bit recently. On monday I had lunch with him. In reality we were with a huge group of students. I've probably mentioned it before we teach art to groups of adults.

Anyhow we were in this group having lunch and we were sitting together and he just nonchalantly said that he wanted to go on some kind of psycho stabilizing drug, and that he felt like he was going crazy sometimes. He also basically admitted that he didn't want to commit to his gf and kid but that he was in the situation and he has to face it.

He says he's constantly frustrated and just plain angry with everything and that he's depressed.

My opinion? He's angry at himself. No, he doesn't want to commit to her. He wants to be free and fuck whoever he wants. He wants out. She's being nutty so she's bringing him down with her. Her nuttiness is likely due to his non-commitment though so it's a nasty cycle.

Today though he made my heart stop on purpose. He came up to me as I was sitting at the computer talking to the boss. The boss gets up on a phone call and he leans over, gets really close to my face, mouth right next to my ear. So close I can feel his beard. He breathes out and then slowly whispers, "fuck you" in his language.

I get goosebumps and then I start giggling. He laughs and says "yep". He knows I wasn't expecting it. The boss finishes her call totally oblivious to what just went on and we get back to business.

So after work, as I was making myself lunch I text him this in English:

*°fuck you°*
    2
He laughs in his response and says "I was waiting for that".

He's driving me crazy. I mean seriously. I'd really like to know if I'm a contributing factor to his "anxiety" or depression or whatever it is he thinks he has. I'd like to confront him about it. I want to know if I should back off, if I should make myself scarce, flirt-wise, so that he isn't tempted. I don't want to make things worse. But with the way he is with me... sometimes I just feel prompted to be bad. Flirt hard. Have him. Take him for a mental ride. So instead I take these little chances. Like last week I texted him asking if he could feel the static electricity. He basically didn't answer... but he did... just with an emoticon of stars. Whatever that means.

What I'm wondering is whether just getting it out of our systems isn't the easiest/healthiest way of dealing with it. I know... don't laugh, it sounds like I'm justifying... I'm making excuses. But we work together! (more excuses). He's the type of person who could probably just do it and be over with it, and leave it at that. (more excuses) I'm not sure I could... but if it's just once I might. I'd dream about it, fantasize about it... but we'd be over it. We'll have done it.

no... I know, it doesn't work like that, does it?

Anyhow I can fantasize about it, him... in the back room sliding his hands down the front of my jeans, over my panties, slipping them to the side to slide a finger inside me while I breathe down his neck.

stop.

too much to handle.

Goings on

Office Guy
So a quick update on Office Guy. He hasn't emailed me. Now the question is whether I should be the "good" one and email him. That's what he's waiting for. He's testing to see how much I care. I might wait a bit longer, which is mean, but I probably should email him right? It's the 'right thing to do'....?

Co-Worker
I saw Co-Worker today. It was a random encounter. I went to have lunch in the usual group watering hole expecting to see just a couple friends and he shows up unexpectedly. As I walked next to him and another friend to go grab our trays he put his arm around my shoulder and side-hugged me. I leaned in.

We were talking about oil on bike chains and how it's best to use a liquid oil rather than a paste and I said "yeah like Wd40 or something". And he looks at me all surprised and says "how do you know Wd40?" I'm from North America so Wd40 is probably the most common lubricating machinery oil you can come across while here it's not common at all. I didn't realize that as I was answering and just said "It's just something I know". Then out of the blue he asked me to marry him. Now this must be the 4th or 5th time he's jokingly asked me to marry him. This time I didn't hesitate and said yes.

The nice part of lunch was when a bunch of people showed up to join our table and we all had to squeeze in together. I ended up getting moved next to him and was riiiight up against him for half an hour. I've mentioned it before in a post long ago, before the corfu trip with him, but there's this physical energy between us. It's like static. Both our arms' hair stands on end.

He kept saying he had to go, but wouldn't get up. Eventually the other colleague stood up to leave so they left together.

Rob
Mmmm I had the most wonderful little jaunt with Rob today. I happened to have an hour free this afternoon so I asked if he was around. He teased me a little and we just texted back and forth for a while until we got into the sexting. He eventually told me to turn on Skype and proceeded to get me off, three times. I was so utterly wet, hovering over my phone panting, hands completely covered. So damn good. All sorts of sexy imagery... I will never get tired of that.

The text conversation we had beforehand was fun too. It was a bit of back and forth about odds and ends I'd been meaning to ask him and never got round to. But I also asked him to record me another song. Funny thing is he asked me how many songs and which songs he'd sent me. I found it surprising he couldn't remember. It's one of those things I guess, there's no way I'd forget what he's sent me. I suppose if I had to remember what I've sent him though it might be difficult.

I enjoyed his comment that I just like his songs because I'm "madly in love with him". I guess it's true. I mean he's good. He's a pretty good guitar player, much better than I am on my uke and his singing is above average. He's not a professional singer, no, and he's not perfect, but I do love his songs because of him too.

Can of worms

Max may be right. It may well be a can of worms. 

Admittedly though he hasn't emailed since.

And the night while writing my last post he emailed me a few times. 

In one of the emails I said that I enjoyed talking but that I was full of reservations. So he knows my feelings. He also knows I'm not leaving the bf because he asked me directly. 

We will see how things proceed. There was also a comment from him about not meeting up for another year. He said "we didn't meet for coffee in over a year so what's another one before we talk again. I doubt he expects much really. But I could very well be wrong. 

If I were to base my prediction on what I knew of his character before I met him I'd have said he'd be a jerk and start being creepy stalkerish, but after meeting him I don't see that happening. 

He's a good guy, sweet even. 

we will see. 

What did I get myself into?

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I'm a Lost Sexy Secretary

I had an odd conversation with Co-W the other day. It was one of those conversations that keeps me thinking. I can't get it out of my head.
Then there's the stuff he said to me today... and that made me wet...


Conversation 1
I went to work on Monday and my female coworker asked me how my new place was. She also asked how the bf was doing. I said, great we're spending a little time here and a little time there. She insisted on saying that the relationship was over and he was on his way out. I ignored her.

Shortly after that I went to say hi to Co-W, as I hadn't seen him yet. I asked how he was since he'd been in a major car accident (though luckily for him without major consequences). He hummed and hawed saying that he had lots of thoughts, lots of problems... but I could tell he wasn't talking about the accident. He added right after though, "I'm better than you though. You're lost."

When I asked for clarification he said that he and my ex-coworker had been talking and they decided that I was completely confused. I then turned to a woman who was standing nearby listening to the conversation and explained to her that I'd recently moved out of a situation where I was living with my boyf and she piped up saying that she thought it was the best way to keep things, "everyone at their own place. That's what I tell my children. They can get married if they want to but each one has their own place."

With that, I turned to Co-W and said, "I'm really happy" smiling at her, and he came back with a genuine "good.". There was some fumbling before that though. There was a "what are you doing here? you should be somewhere where you're more appreciated" or something to that effect, he's been telling me to get out of this country for years.

Fact is, It makes me wonder whether I am lost. Am I lost? Or have I finally figured out what I want? I mean I agonized over this decision for a year or more. When I finally make the decision I feel happy and at ease with things and I get told that I'm lost. I shouldn't pay attention to what people say, but I'm the type of person that respects other's opinions to the point that I get pulled in.

Conversation 2
So the other conversation, the one that made me wet. It was short and nothing special, but it did get me thinking. And yes I was flirting quite a bit today. I was working on the computer, which I rarely do at work, but I had to write up some invoices for the boss. I was frustrated, and somewhat overwhelmed with the sheer number of things I had to do so when he came in to ask me some things, I put my hands in my hair and growled at him.

I was concentrated on what I was doing so I don't know how he brought it up but he said something to the effect of "oh, right, that makes you even sexier, the sexy secretary." My response was, "should I get my glasses?" And his answer? "yeah and bright red lipstick."

I was sure he was going to ask me to follow him into a back room today too. It was this weird flash that happened when he was coming out of the back rooms, while I was at the computer. He came out, closing the door behind him and he started talking to me, but it was a phrase that was almost calling for me... it wasn't literally, it was just an impression I got.

Anyhow the whole thing had me wet in seconds... When Co-W sat down at the computer to do something after I'd finished, I stood up to let him sit and knocked a pencil off the desk, as he sat down I went down to pick the pencil up. The pencil was way on the other side though, which meant I had to lean across his lap to pick it up, but I'd already started bending when he sat down so it was this weird combination because I couldn't pick up the pencil from that angle as easily as if he hadn't been there.

I fumbled for it, and he just sat there watching.... Damn I regret not wearing a skirt to work today.