Breath

I've been working with Co-Worker a fair bit recently. On monday I had lunch with him. In reality we were with a huge group of students. I've probably mentioned it before we teach art to groups of adults.

Anyhow we were in this group having lunch and we were sitting together and he just nonchalantly said that he wanted to go on some kind of psycho stabilizing drug, and that he felt like he was going crazy sometimes. He also basically admitted that he didn't want to commit to his gf and kid but that he was in the situation and he has to face it.

He says he's constantly frustrated and just plain angry with everything and that he's depressed.

My opinion? He's angry at himself. No, he doesn't want to commit to her. He wants to be free and fuck whoever he wants. He wants out. She's being nutty so she's bringing him down with her. Her nuttiness is likely due to his non-commitment though so it's a nasty cycle.

Today though he made my heart stop on purpose. He came up to me as I was sitting at the computer talking to the boss. The boss gets up on a phone call and he leans over, gets really close to my face, mouth right next to my ear. So close I can feel his beard. He breathes out and then slowly whispers, "fuck you" in his language.

I get goosebumps and then I start giggling. He laughs and says "yep". He knows I wasn't expecting it. The boss finishes her call totally oblivious to what just went on and we get back to business.

So after work, as I was making myself lunch I text him this in English:

*°fuck you°*
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He laughs in his response and says "I was waiting for that".

He's driving me crazy. I mean seriously. I'd really like to know if I'm a contributing factor to his "anxiety" or depression or whatever it is he thinks he has. I'd like to confront him about it. I want to know if I should back off, if I should make myself scarce, flirt-wise, so that he isn't tempted. I don't want to make things worse. But with the way he is with me... sometimes I just feel prompted to be bad. Flirt hard. Have him. Take him for a mental ride. So instead I take these little chances. Like last week I texted him asking if he could feel the static electricity. He basically didn't answer... but he did... just with an emoticon of stars. Whatever that means.

What I'm wondering is whether just getting it out of our systems isn't the easiest/healthiest way of dealing with it. I know... don't laugh, it sounds like I'm justifying... I'm making excuses. But we work together! (more excuses). He's the type of person who could probably just do it and be over with it, and leave it at that. (more excuses) I'm not sure I could... but if it's just once I might. I'd dream about it, fantasize about it... but we'd be over it. We'll have done it.

no... I know, it doesn't work like that, does it?

Anyhow I can fantasize about it, him... in the back room sliding his hands down the front of my jeans, over my panties, slipping them to the side to slide a finger inside me while I breathe down his neck.

stop.

too much to handle.