There was a time, however, when we would see each other on a weekly basis. And during that time he used to call me when he had tickets to classical music concerts, because he knew I loved music. He was an older gay man who I'm sure I've written about before. I remember writing about how people would look at us at concerts. Upon telling the bf how uncomfortable it made me he almost got angry and argued that I shouldn't go with him anymore. The last time my friend called me to ask me to go to a concert with him I declined, this is something I now regret. Fuck other people's shitty judgement. I shouldn't have cared.
As to why his death hit me so hard, I finally figured it was because there were so many similarities between his death and my mother's. He passed away from cancer, like my mother. He also passed away at the same age as my mother. I don't know how I knew this, my math skills are absolutely horrible, but I innately knew that he was the same age. When I finally broke down and used my calculator to figure it out, I found out I was right. Not only that but my mother died a day or two before her birthday in April (a week before my birthday), my friend died just a week before his birthday. Joy, that happens to be just after my birthday.
These are all things I can't help thinking about. My mind automatically finds patterns. Maybe my brain is working too hard, maybe a normal person's brain wouldn't have seen them. Is it better or worse this way? Dealing with loved one's deaths is something that has to be dealt with forever. It doesn't go away. No matter how long ago it was, it will come back to haunt you. The only thing that can be done is to let the emotions wash over, deal with them as they come, and let go again.
Last time I saw my friend was at the hospital just before Christmas. We were leaving for our trip to Central America. He seemed in good spirits and joked around, possibly to make us feel more comfortable with his illness. I will remember him like that though, always smiling, suave and cultured. Connoisseur of music and food. A closet gay, not so closet when with the right friends.
I'm sure he found your last visit a comfort and that he thought of you as a friend who shared his love of music and art, and that thoughts of you made him smile.
ReplyDeleteWe grieve at the loss of future time together, for laughter shared, and the connections that make our life more meaningful.
Do not grieve when the emotions come, think of his favorite song, a oft-repeated joke, and make them yours, a part of him that stays with you, that he never has to really leave.
I have no idea if this is true, but my father used to say that our Polish ancestors did not grieve at funerals but celebrated the life and memory of those that passes. I like to do that. Some see it a morbid when I joke about my friends or families death. However, we all enjoyed jokes like that when we were alive and laughed our asses off. When I make those "inappropriate" jokes, I can feel them next to me laughing...I feel their joy in being remembered. They do not want me to be sad with their death...they always wanted bring me joy. Remember the dead often and with a smile, eat for them, drink for them, love for them, that is what they want.
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