Changes

Every time I lose a piece of my family I feel less tethered to this planet, like a helium balloon tied down with a lot of strings that someone keeps cutting. 

I feel like I'm going to fly high into the atmosphere and off into the nothingness of space. I feel like I'm disappearing. 

My uncle passed away last weekend. Mother's Day to be specific. He was my mother's brother and died of the same (non-smoker's) lung cancer she had. My mother passed away 12 years ago. She died young. So did my uncle. My grandmother passed just three years ago. She was 94. All on the same side of my family. That side of the family is gone now. There's nothing left. Sure I have my grandmother's brothers and sisters. But close relatives are gone. 

I wasn't close to my uncle, but I'm still sad. The whole thing brings up a lot of issues and guilt but especially memories of my mother's death. 

It will also bring change. Huge change I think. There's an inheritance. In my great aunt's words I'll be "set for life". It feels like something so foreign to me I can't quite comprehend it. Since I was a kid I've always struggled for money. 

But this massive change also brings a lot of questions. What do I want? What do I want to do with my life? If I wanted a kid the bf wouldn't have the 'financial' card to play anymore. He always said that we didn't have enough financial stability for kids. 

Do I want to travel for a while? 

Do I want to concentrate on my art career? 

Should I take over the art school when my boss retires in two years? 

Should I buy a house?

WHERE do I want to live?

The one sure thing I think I've decided is that I'll be cutting down or eliminating my English teaching. It's the only thing I know I really want. That, and doing something big for my mom. For years I've wanted to put together a book of her art and I'd like to finalize it.