Hi
I guess this is what I've been reduced to... updating a couple times a year.
BF - breakup
Things have been going surprisingly well since the breakup. I can't say it has been easy. There were a lot of frustrating things and difficult situations. They still happen from time to time. The bf has been by a couple times, we've talked on the phone a bit. It's so familiar and easy that it's sometimes a little to easy to get caught in the trap of just falling back into routines. I try to keep my distance, he wants to be closer. He has mentioned that he wants to phone me more but I stayed away from the topic.
ROB
On a brighter note I went to see Rob in the UK. It was a great trip in some respects. Rob was the first part of a longer trip. I really enjoyed seeing him. It was one of our favourite trips I think. There was a lot of good sex. There was a lot of good head, at least that's what he says. I may have spent hours on his cock, specifically with it jammed down my throat. There was also some great socializing and wonderful moments out in the real world. We went to a small jazz concert in a pub near where we were staying. The evening was really special. I know that sounds cheesy but it was really an evening that I'll never forget. Great music, wonderful atmosphere.
The rest of the trip was good but unusual. I can't really put my finger on what it was that was weird about it either. I just know it didn't feel right, not that it felt wrong... it just felt different than it normally does when I travel to the UK by myself. Usually I feel comfortable and at ease with myself. This time I felt out of place. I felt like I didn't fit in. I wanted to go out and have fun but instead I stayed in my flat watching Netflix in the evenings. In the day I wandered aimlessly.
I often felt lonely, really lonely. I wanted to meet people but I felt incapable of even that. Perhaps part of the issue was that I chose to stay in an Airbnb when I usually stay in hostels where it's so much easier to meet people. One moment stuck with me, it was unintentional flirting. I happened to make eye contact with an American guy on a bus in London. We would occasionally make eye contact throughout the ride, I even contemplated staying on the bus to see where they were going. In the end I got off at my stop but our gaze held even as I was off the bus. He craned his neck to see me walk away once off the bus. I looked back to see if he was looking. This whole interaction cheered me up to no end. I thought about it a lot and felt good about myself.
I guess after 20yrs with someone, I'm totally out of touch about how to flirt with guys. I haven't done it in so long, not in person. I've always resorted to doing whatever flirting online.
On my return home Rob and I have had an intense groove on. I guess there had been a lag in our connection before we met up... not a lag... rather a reduction (logical, since we hadn't met up for 4 years). When I got home we went through and perhaps still are going through a period of intense communication and sexual desire for each other. We have had some nights together on Facetime, and some really nice conversations about how we feel about each other. I melt for this type of interaction. It's where I get a lot of fuel. Internal, external, sexual, and artistic.
There is a 'BUT'.... and it's that I'm single and supposedly open to new relationships. I'm not consciously going to turn down opportunities. I'm currently not actively looking for anything but when I go out I find my eyes wandering. I haven't seen anyone that interests me in the least. It's actually hard to find people my age who are decent citizens. The guys I see that I'm physically attracted to look like they might be drug dealers. Rob is worried that I might sabotage my chances of finding someone because of him. I have thought about that a lot. I'm not sure that it will happen. I imagine it's possible but I hope to find someone that really blows me away. Someone that would distract me enough.... but distract me enough for what? Will I ever stop things with Rob? I don't think I'd be able to. I think there will always be a connection there. Things may dissipate but I don't think they'll ever go away.
Then there's the fact that I find myself trying to figure out guy's ages. I find that I'm rubbish at gauging age now. I find myself looking for someone that looks like Rob, but where I live that's pretty much impossible. So there's that unconscious issue there.
That's enough rambling for now. Hopefully it won't take me so long to update.... no promises.
For what it's worth, it sounds like you've had the most civil breakup one could ask for after 20 years together, at least as far I can tell. It may not be easy now, but I think time has a way of making these things easier, and starting at a point of mutual acceptance is kind of like skipping the whole first third of the "getting over it" story.
ReplyDeleteI've got shit at flirting in real life, but that's okay. In getting to a point in my life where I'm feeling too old for overly-complicated games anyways (and we're pretty close to the same age, so you may be feeling it too). I make the first approach, I be my most pleasant self, and if it doesn't click than it doesn't. I spent too much of my life twisting myself into pretzels so that people would like me... I refuse to do it just to get laid anymore :-)
On one hand I don't really know you, but on the other hand we've been sharing deep-dark secrets for 8 years, so I kind of do. At least, I know one side of you that you choose to share very well. And I think no matter how overwhelming the next guy is, you'll always have a spot in your heart for Rob, and that seeing himself as an obstacle to the next part of your life is a mistake. What is the polyamorous singles scene like in Italy? Could you possibly meet someone who would actually encourage you to also continue seeing Rob? I worry if you give up Rob for this next guy, you're already going to start off on the wrong foot of resentment.
Remind me though: why aren't you and Rob a more serious item now that you're single? Is it the distance? Or is he also involved elsewhere?
Ethan: OMG HI!!!! So good to see you here! I'm almost ecstatic to see you here in fact. It's a serious treat.
ReplyDeleteRe your response: Yes I agree we had the most civil and possibly easiest divorce in history. It is partly due to the fact that the breakup started when we separated living spaces. I think that was harder than what we've been through this time round.
You're right about not wanting to go out of my way for people to like me. I am consciously trying to pay attention to how I behave. I am less conscious of it than I'd like to be. But I also just really have a hard time meeting people. It used to be so easy for me but I'm finding it really hard.
As per your comments about Rob, I totally agree with you there too. I don't think that I can get him out of my system... ever. The polyamorous scene here is non existent as far as I know... but I haven't really looked into it, I suppose I could. Fact is I live in a very small town and that scene wouldn't be possible for most people. It might be in a larger town, and there's one fairly close by... so that might be an option. Plus Italy just isn't that big. I have given serious thought to just being open about it if I meet someone that interests me, but I'm not sure that would really go down. I guess it depends on who I meet.
Why isn't it possible for Rob and I to be more of an item? He's been in a relationship with his GF for over 18 years. He is dedicated to her and loves her and would never leave her. I would never want him to leave her for me either.
Wow, Ethan...it's been a very long time.
ReplyDeleteCandy. I am happy that things are going well with the break-up. I can't imagine having to flirt and date again after 27 years with the same person. I imagine it being an adventure sometimes, however whenever I talk to the divorced dads my age they say the same things.
Good to hear from you, even if it just once a year.
I am sort of an outsider but I keep up with your blog and find I enjoy reading what you have to say always. You seem to be an amazing woman. I am glad your break seems to going well and I loved hearing about your recent visit with Rob. I have to say that I would love to be able to be your current boyfriend and because I am a some what older gentleman, I would be completely okay with you continuing to see Rob on an occasional basis. I realize that you have needs and desires that one man may not be able to satisfy. You are very open in your comments and I find that very refreshing. I do understand after such a long time with the same boyfriend it is very difficult to find a new person to date. I do hope very much that you find someone and hope he is an open minded person as well. How ever often you updated, I will be here to see what is happening in your life. Good luck.
ReplyDelete