The dream

I had a dream this morning. My alarm clock had already gone off but I kept dreaming.

I have this student, I must have mentioned him before. He's a kid, he's 18 now, but I've been teaching him since he was about 9. He was such a little brat when he was younger, I despised him. His mother is a bit of a freak. She is at his beck and call and always wants to know what is going on with him, she won't let him live. Typical Italian mother.

In the past few years I had been going to his house to help him study and help him with his homework twice a week. It's his mother that doesn't really think he's capable of doing anything on his own. Going twice a week every week for years does something. I grew pretty attached to the kid. It got to the point where I was missing him during the summer.

Of course as he was growing up our relationship started to change. We had more and more in common. I would start showing him stuff on internet, he would ask me for help setting up his computer or his first email address or his msn account. We talked about music, I found out we had similar tastes in music so I could send him stuff from my phone or from my mp3 player to his.

All this went on and on, and I noticed he started flirting with me. I hadn't noticed it until relatively recently. And I didn't really care. I just kinda thought he was a cool kid.

This year I haven't really been doing lessons with him. He has been busy with other subjects. Next year will be his last year in high school so I'll have to do a bit more with him next year. But I think in total I've seen him about 5 times this year. The last two times was yesterday and the day before. It was intense because we did two long lessons in two days. He was studying for a kind of final exam. And he was basically cramming.

Right so all of this to say that I had this dream. It was obviously brought on by seeing him for such a long time in two days. But I never expected it to be such an intense dream.

We were in a room, an attic. Let me say here that he doesn't live in an attic, he has a childish bedroom in an apartment with his parents. But this room was as if it were in the same house just a separate apartment from that of his parents. We were on his bed, and we were supposed to be studying. He was older, I'm pretty sure he was in university in the dream (I'm just guessing, seeing as he had his own apartment of sorts). And we were just taking a break and talking. I had laid back on the bed to rest my back, and he sat next to me. He then laid down facing me, on his side, propped up by his hand. He touched my stomach, lifting my shirt just to my ribs, and slid his hand slowly down into my jeans. My stomach jumped, ticklish I guess. Then my shirt was somehow higher (hey it's a dream) and my bra was down off one breast. He lowered his head and as he got further down into my jeans, he slid his finger inside me at the same moment as he took my nipple in his mouth. I gasped. And I woke up.

It was intense. Very intense. I didn't want it to end. I was actually late for work this morning because of this dream. I was drifting in and out of sleep repeating the images in my mind. It was the second half of another dream I'd had last night. I don't remember the other one. But I do remember thinking that it wasn't the whole dream, when I woke up from this one.

So I have a new student. He's 28, I'm going to try to concentrate on this guy or my cute co-worker. I can't be fantasizing about 18 yr olds. What's wrong with me? ugh.

Anyhow the 28 yr old is hot, he's nice, but he's a bit of an airhead, I'd say typical macho 28 yr old. He has already mentioned in passing that I'm cute. It was a seemingly innocent comment about getting a year pass at a gym. He asked if I worked out, and I said no, he said that if I wanted to, the gym where he goes gives discounts to pretty girls. That was that, I thought it was pretty tacky, the discotheques here do the same thing. It's a bit sleazy. It's to attract the men I guess.

Waffles

It has been a strange week for me. A lot of things going on.

I had a lot of work to do. Finishing up at a school and a full course and timetable on the other side as well.

This morning was the first time in weeks that I've had some time to myself with nothing planned. I went to work for just an hour which meant that I was home by 10:30. Bf had picked up a waffle iron that I found at a German supermarket here.

*I can't get certain foods here and it makes me sad at times. Bagels, waffles, bacon (now available, thank god), cheddar cheese, sour cream, and the list can go on for hours.

Anyhow back to the topic at hand. I finally found a waffle iron, which is a rarity here, I was so stoked, I got a friend to send me a recipe so I was excited to try it out. 5 years without waffles can make you a bit loopy. Anyhow I got home and immediately got to work. Bf was at the hospital with his brother (who is still doing chemo somewhat successfully). It was super sunny, I chose not to turn on the tv, or the computer or even the radio. Just me and my waffles.

I was so excited I wanted to share my excitement with someone, but there was no-one around to share with. The first ones came out PERFECT and I scarfed them down with a few drops from a 7 Euro bottle of Maple Syrup. They were delicious. I made so many that I had a bunch left over, and knowing they're still good to heat up in a toaster, I left them for bf.

The rest of the day went from amazing to depressing.

He has such a knack for pulling me down. I can't figure out if it's me or it's him. I really honestly can't figure it out.

It wasn't anything in specific he said or did. He just managed to ruin my good mood immediately, as soon as he got in the door. Maybe it's his lack of enthusiasm. I mean, I was so excited about the fucking waffles, that I was hoping he'd be just as enthusiastic. When he wasn't at all enthusiastic about them, not even a compliment on how they came out. I was disappointed I guess.

Maybe I'm too sensitive.

Having been so busy has made it impossible for me to do anything apart from work. That means a lack of HNT this week, a lack of posts, a fall in my page views on Sitemeter, a lot of catching up to do on other blogs, lots of consequences. I'll have to make up for it.

Next week I'll have some more time off work, but that doesn't mean anything, bf is always home.

I need a vacation. I've been looking into doing a course in London. That will give me a good excuse to get away by myself.

Finally

The promised Rob post from the other day (before the fiasco).

---

Albeit  brief, I met up with Rob on line the other day. We had been in touch a few times via txt message. And I managed to find a hole in the day where bf had gone to the doctor's and to get groceries.

It was short. Very short. I would have liked to talk a little more. But I'll take what I can get. I even got to see him. (yay)

I can't hide that he confuses me.

He rambled about not answering my text messages over the past month because he didn't think it was necessary to answer texts about me being on line. Which I understand. Then again, I didn't just send him those. I sent a few other kinds of messages, some of which he answered, some he didn't.

He also mentioned something he had said during our last online meeting (the one where he came all over his keyboard). He said that he would get himself off then ditch me. At the time, I just figured he had meant that he'd just take off (after wanking) cause he didn't have time to hang around. But the other day he said it with a different inflected tone. Something to the effect of:
me: "I haven't heard from you in ages, I was getting paranoid"

him: "I told you I'd ditch you after cumming" *with a sly grin on his face*
 
me: "I didn't think you meant it that way"

(this conversation was immensely edited to save time and reader boredom)

He was probably kidding. I hope. But it has been a recurring theme. The using and then ditching theme. I don't mind the using, but I'm not a big fan of the ditching afterward. Strangely it would make me feel 'used'. Does that make sense? It is a bit of a contradiction. I want to be used, like an object, but it's not the 'using' that makes me feel used, it would be the ditching.

I think it's something that guys tend to do in general. It's the porn theme, isn't it? It's the whole point of porn. To use something just so that it can be thrown away afterward. I remember a few guys on msn or skype ask me what I get out of being used... I get a lot out of it. I like the idea that they get off watching me. But being ditched (without reason) makes me feel a bit lonely, that I wasn't appreciated.

There was this one fantasy that Rob had told me about, made up on the spot. It was one that got me going and then left me feeling odd.

It was in a dark alley. He said he'd take me into this alley tie up my arms, fuck me (I think) and then have me kneel and suck him off. Then he'd walk away. Leave me there without turning back.

See, that's the kind of 'using' I wouldn't be able to get used to. I'm not sure what made him say it. Perhaps he thought I'd like it. Or maybe it's something he fantasizes about. In any case, it was one episode. I won't judge based on that.

I guess it's possible to 'use' someone, but still have respect. Being used and ditched doesn't show much respect. I guess that's what I've been trying to get at.

Mess follow up

Here's where the situation stands. My friend hasn't thought to take my comment off by himself.

my limited profile is still there.

So I know for certain he hasn't been on my blog. He lives in Japan, I'd have noticed it on my Sitemeter. The only thing I may have gotten is a visit from a friend in common who also comments on his blog. Since he posted his blog on Facebook, I had a window of about an hour and a half where any of his friends could have seen it, so Canadians. I'm not sure if I really care. They're not close enough to mean anything really.

But the situation is still at a stand still. I think I will ask him to remove it, offhandedly. I'll mention it to him. I just have to figure out the right wording.

At least this way I can post my blog back on my profile.

What a mess

I did something really terribly stupid yesterday, and I'm trying to fix it... I'm a mess.... a total freaky mess.

I had a whole long post today about Rob but I have to update on the status of my profile and blog.

I was tired last night. I was on the couch, distracted, watching Skins and looking at facebook, keeping an eye on the blogs via igoogle/reader. A Facebook friend of mine (an old acquaintance) started a food blog with recipes and he published on Facebook that he had posted a new recipe. So off I go to read it, and I comment on it innocently. Little did I realize off the bat that my ID was set for my blogger and not my normal gmail account.

Off I went to bed and I wake up, bolt straight in bed (bf was sleeping soundly luckily) and I jumped out of bed, turned the computer back on and went into a frenzy seeing that my comment, with my FACE was on his blog. My profile taking him straight to my blog, with the first page visible my HNT from thursday!!!

HOLYFUCKINGSHITGODDAMNEDMOTHERFUCKER.

ARg.. so I went to delete it, hoping he hadn't seen it. Damn damn damn.

Well I went to delete it, I was panicking, I was shaking, I couldn't see much, I was exhausted with to much adrenaline pumping through me. The little window came up with the "delete" or "cancel" button... but little did I notice there was a tiny check mark asking if I wanted to delete it FOREVER. I just clicked "cancel".

There it is folks. The message was canceled, but my PROFILE AND PICTURE stayed. I can't get rid of it. If I had only just clicked that STUPID box it wouldn't be there anymore.

So I immediately thought of erasing my blog. I thought of everything. I couldn't concentrate on anything.

Luckily a skype friend was awake over in the states and helped me figure out what to do. I blocked my profile, took my blog off the profile, changed my profile to France, eliminated anything written about me, Changed the picture (a few times), changed the name of my blog to DIARY (even if the blogger address is the same). And I have now reactivated my public profile.
Alas my face still remains on his site. Only that if he clicks on the profile it now says "Female, France" with a different picture and my stupid random question about dinner with Hannibal Lector. Nothing more. No more mention of a blog.

Now what to do. I can't really leave it like this forever right?

For the time being I'll have to leave it like this. I am apologizing also to anyone who commented on my hnt, I wish I could have kept those comments they were all very sweet. I really really appreciate them.

I also want to apologize for having fooled around with comments on other peoples blogs, I was trying to figure out how to eliminate the comment better, after eliminating it once, that's it... nothing else to do. Specifically... that I can remember Sage's HNT post. Sorry hun. I'll try putting it back up. Fact is I tried it on my own blog comments, but since I am moderator it still gives me the opportunity to erase it permanently. So I was forced to try it out on someone else's blog.

I hope my friend doesn't have google reader, with a subscription to his comments. It would mean that even if he didn't see the profile with my blog, he'll probably guess it was me. I actually WROTE his name at the end of the comment. Since there are only 2 people commenting on his blog at the moment, I'd say it's pretty obvious.

Should I write him and ask him to eliminate the deleted comment forever (which he can do since he is moderator). Making some excuse that I have a fake profile for other types of blogs???? Any ideas people??

I'm shaking again, just writing about the bloody experience... don't want to repeat that again!


Yours Truely Cande.

Sex from the past... there's too many to remember now

When I was single after getting back from Mexico. The guy I had gone to Mexico with cheated on me, I met a whole range of guys I went to bed with. some I was emotionally involved with, others I wasn't.

I was walking down the street in my hometown one day to find a group of buskers. They played C.C.R. Which is something I enjoy, but the best part was the lead singer. He was HOT. I overheard them talking about playing at a place with a strange name and memorized it so I could go watch them.

At the time I had been hired in a shop to help out around Chirstmas with a group of other girls. I asked them if they knew the place I had heard them talk about and one did, telling me where it was. This same girl, that same day had told us nonchalantly how she had been woken in the "best" of ways. Her boyf had gone down on her that morning.

That Friday evening I went to this pizza place to see the C.C.R. band play. The place was small, cozy and full of people my age. There was beer, good pizza and good music. I was concentrated on the singer. I tried flirting with him, he responded a bit. But nothing amazing.

They were booked to play there again the next Friday.

I went in to work, told my work colleagues about the group I had seen, leaving any details out about the singer unless they had asked me. Turns out the girl I was working with, the one who had been woken by her boyf was the lead singer's girlfriend. Hah. What a coincidence that was.

Well that didn't deter me, I had already organized to head there on the Friday anyhow.

I sat on my own, at the bar. I drank a beer, I had my notebook where I scribbled and doodled and the guy behind the bar started talking to me. I have no idea what he said. He gave me some kind of compliment or said something funny. But I was yet again, hooked. He was a good looking guy.

I started going there a lot... all the time. Day and night. I met other guys in there. I hung out with "the guys" I knew everyone that worked there. I went there for lunch for dinner and till 2 in the morning after going to the clubs. I went there alone and with friends. But it was my hangout.

DD (aka the guy behind the bar) would give the most amazing hugs, every time I walked in. He knew exactly how to hug, how to slooowly run his hands along the waist, under the ribs, up the back pressed gently yet firmly to his body, and he smelled sooooooooo good. I can still remember his smell. He was a bit of a heart-breaker. I wanted him. I wanted him bad. But he had someone else he was seeing so I was happy just hanging out with him. I got to know his group of friends. And one was Jessie.

Jessie worked at the movie theatre next door. He knew how to fuck. Shit... he was good in bed. He was super tall, really sweet, but he was like a ballroom dancer in the bedroom, swinging me around, flipping me here and there, hiking me up, fucking me while standing. He wanted me in thigh highs, and heels. He knew how I wanted to be fucked, in fact I screamed with him. I can be very vocal when I've got the right person.

I think DD got word of my having sex with Jessie because, well Jessie told me that he had mentioned it to him and he had been jealous.

Not long after, I ended up staying late. DD asked me to stay till closing. To keep him company as he closed. He did his rounds, finished everything up. This was normal, I kept him company often. But this time something different happened. He turned the lights of the pizzeria open and the radio was on, the light of the drinks fridge light us just enough. The song "I've just seen a face" by Holly Cole was playing. I'll never forget it. I was leaning up against the wall watching him. He walked up to me, pinned my shoulders against the wall and kissed me.

Nope I'll never forget that song, or that kiss.

He took me home that night. We slept in the same bed. I touched him... barely touched him. He had a premature ejaculation problem. But I wanted him so bad. I was willing to wait all night (by this time it was morning) to have him inside me. But he turned and went to sleep. He was distant for the next while. Months even.

I eventually had sex with him. It was a year later. After I'd been my first year in Italy. And I've had sex with him every single time I've been back home. And the sex was always good. Very good.
Every time I've been back home I've cheated on my bf with him. He's the only one I've really steadily had an affair with. I was in love with him... or I thought I was. I was in Italy though and he was hundreds of thousands of miles away.

We even played on skype a few times. I stripped for him while he jerked off for me. It was rather sad, but I liked his company.

When he told me he was getting married, I got angry with him. When he told me he was going to have a baby. I was happy for him. I miss his hugs, I miss him sometimes.

Wait a minute...

Alright... this has already happened once before. When I turned 30. I hit a terrible low.

Next week is my 32nd birthday. This could be the reason for my feeling so weird. Feeling so needy to change. Should I take the hint and make the changes or should I hang on to what is supposed to be a meaningful relationship? Perhaps I should talk to a counselor first before going down the wrong road...

---

I talked to rob today via sms. He texted me. I was relieved. He told me when he'd be on. He even made the effort to tell me he was on this afternoon. I'm hoping to get some time alone in the afternoons this week so we can talk.

---

I had a bad evening last night. I was full of dread, I wanted to talk to bf about how I was feeling, but when push came to shove, I couldn't get a word out. I also knew that today we had guests coming so I didn't want to change a relatively "happy" mood for something more somber.

I guess I will embark on that conversation at some point soon.

Part of that mood was brought on not only by some helpful comments but also a Chatroulette meeting with a really cute guy from Holland. I'll never see him again. Chatroulette kicked us off and we hadn't exchanged emails. He somehow saw that something was up. He saw it fast and told me that it wasn't worth wasting my time. It was so strange. I hadn't said anything about me or my relationship. He just kinda knew. He had come out of a similar situation, I found out afterward. I wish I had exchanged emails with him.

Next was a 22 yr old Spanish kid. He was fun. Nothing terribly serious, but he kept saying he wanted me to come to Spain. Probably lack of other English things to say seeing as his English wasn't great.