What to say... what to say.
My birthday came and went during the whole fiasco with bf. He gave me a new bicycle, I really needed it. My old one was falling apart, literally. Plus it was all rusty. So a bright and shiny new bike from him and my favourite gift so far was a set of 216 tiny magnetic ball bearings that you can make stuff with, mostly geometrical stuff. It's very cool and very fun, and addictive. The ads are all over Youtube for these toys.
I even got some really nice body lotion, shea butter which is soooo lush, I just loovvve it.
But I didn't celebrate really, I just hung out at home with bf. We went to dinner, had japanese food. Then I met up with Rob on line late night. Except he wasn't in the best of moods, or perhaps he was busy with someone or something else, and in the end he took off at 3 am and left me kinda aching for at least a little more conversation than what was had.
That's when the Italian guy from Rome came on. I've mentioned him before I'm pretty sure, he's the one I said I was thinking of have a threesome with. Well without video or sound he told me a lovely little description that was very naughty and very nice. And it did't take me long to get off on that.
But Rob did make up for his lack the night after with 3 orgasms, this time no voice just typing. I really needed to let go I guess. I love it when he types all the things he'd do to me, it's a stream of consciousness of things, no interruptions, just images that flash through my mind.
Images of being bound, ass in the air, held, forced, legs spread, him making me do things to myself, him slipping my fingers inside me, licking, slipping his own along side them, dripping, spanking, slapping, gripping, spreading, preparing, fucking, no limits.... so nice.
I haven't heard from either co-worker or Andy except for birthday wishes.
And I've been thinking about the studio a lot. How I'd be able to have stuff sent there, if I decided to do the sex toy review. I just need to find the space.... space space space.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
the bf apartment conclusion.
I must apologize that I haven't updated since my last post things have been a little hectic as you may all have guessed.
I did not break it off with bf. But I did tell him that I wanted to move out. We sat down on Tuesday evening, we turned the TV off and we talked. I told him very simply that I thought I wanted to move out, while keeping it clear that I didn't want him to think that I wanted to break up with him. (This may have been a mistake, but I'm not sure.)
He said ok, but that we had to do it the right way, leave the apartment when our contract runs out, and get two apartments. He was all very logical about it and said that he had been expecting it for a while.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I honestly had to force myself not to smile at one point, but on the other hand I was crushed that he didn't try to stop me.
The conversation didn't stop there though. We talked about all sorts of things, and it's so hard to explain, because so many past things came up that I'm not going into here. But the gist of it was that he thought that if I moved out it meant that we were finished. I think at times like these he'd like to get out as badly as I would. I think he sees me flying really low and doesn't want me to get hurt and he thinks he is the cause of my angst.
So the end of the tale is that we are still opting for a studio space instead. And I do think that will help. I need a place I can go to get away from him... he's home way to often for me to be able to handle it.
So we're back into looking for a studio.
I just hope I can find something soon...
I did not break it off with bf. But I did tell him that I wanted to move out. We sat down on Tuesday evening, we turned the TV off and we talked. I told him very simply that I thought I wanted to move out, while keeping it clear that I didn't want him to think that I wanted to break up with him. (This may have been a mistake, but I'm not sure.)
He said ok, but that we had to do it the right way, leave the apartment when our contract runs out, and get two apartments. He was all very logical about it and said that he had been expecting it for a while.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I honestly had to force myself not to smile at one point, but on the other hand I was crushed that he didn't try to stop me.
The conversation didn't stop there though. We talked about all sorts of things, and it's so hard to explain, because so many past things came up that I'm not going into here. But the gist of it was that he thought that if I moved out it meant that we were finished. I think at times like these he'd like to get out as badly as I would. I think he sees me flying really low and doesn't want me to get hurt and he thinks he is the cause of my angst.
So the end of the tale is that we are still opting for a studio space instead. And I do think that will help. I need a place I can go to get away from him... he's home way to often for me to be able to handle it.
So we're back into looking for a studio.
I just hope I can find something soon...
Monday, April 25, 2011
Dear BF.
Dear Bf,
I've been contemplating it for a while. I've been wondering if I should move out. It has nothing to do with your recent decision of refusing to do anything for me anymore. It is simply based on my own need for some freedom. I am not cutting the relationship off, I just want to live on my own for a while to see what it's like. I don't feel independent enough right now, and I feel like I've been missing out on that aspect of life for a really long time. I probably should have taken the leap years ago, but unfortunately I was young and probably wasn't focusing on what was best for me.
Now that I'm older and more self aware, I have realized the importance of learning first how to live with myself and be happy on my own before I can live with someone else.
p.s. This letter has not been sent... but it's exactly what's on my mind. I'm still thinking.
~ Cande ~
I've been contemplating it for a while. I've been wondering if I should move out. It has nothing to do with your recent decision of refusing to do anything for me anymore. It is simply based on my own need for some freedom. I am not cutting the relationship off, I just want to live on my own for a while to see what it's like. I don't feel independent enough right now, and I feel like I've been missing out on that aspect of life for a really long time. I probably should have taken the leap years ago, but unfortunately I was young and probably wasn't focusing on what was best for me.
Now that I'm older and more self aware, I have realized the importance of learning first how to live with myself and be happy on my own before I can live with someone else.
p.s. This letter has not been sent... but it's exactly what's on my mind. I'm still thinking.
~ Cande ~
wanderings of the mind and body
Things with bf haven't ironed out completely... We went out the Friday night with some friends. I got really tipsy and tried to convince bf to come to another bar with me on our way home. We were laughing and joking, until I took the leap to head off on the road towards the pub, hoping that he'd follow, but he didn't. He went straight... I ended up walking full circle to meet back up with bf who was waiting for me at the next intersection. We didn't talk after that.
We've barely been talking since then.
On a separate note Andy seems to be a new character in the posts these days. He's now on my FB friends list. He sent me a message on Saturday asking me if I was going to a local(ish) club. When I answered that I couldn't, (I didn't want to cause any more probs with bf), he asked me if it was because I was busy or because I didn't have a ride.
This evening he posted a comment on one of my fb pictures, it said "the one..." in English.
From that we ended up sending a few emails back and forth. Nothing interesting really, except the explanation of his comment, which was that it was his favourite picture of me...
I talked to Rob on Friday as well. I've been working on a translation so I was able to chat with him while bf was around. And he had me all hot and bothered without being able to touch. It was, obviously the ultimate tease. I then caught him again on Saturday, this time with voice. We just talked. It's nice to talk and not worry about getting naked.... as much as I wanted to....there wasn't a lot of time.
I have been a bit on edge too, I've bought my train tickets to head out to see Rob. And I talked to my friend in London who was freaking me out about being able to get into London in time for the concert. She thinks that something "could happen" and that I should try to get in a day ahead (!?!) But I'm going to try to get into town for 2ish, the concert is at 8... she wants to be there by 7:30 at the latest... and I need to drop my bags at the hotel. I just don't want to have to rush the morning with Rob... if he comes.
We've barely been talking since then.
On a separate note Andy seems to be a new character in the posts these days. He's now on my FB friends list. He sent me a message on Saturday asking me if I was going to a local(ish) club. When I answered that I couldn't, (I didn't want to cause any more probs with bf), he asked me if it was because I was busy or because I didn't have a ride.
This evening he posted a comment on one of my fb pictures, it said "the one..." in English.
From that we ended up sending a few emails back and forth. Nothing interesting really, except the explanation of his comment, which was that it was his favourite picture of me...
I talked to Rob on Friday as well. I've been working on a translation so I was able to chat with him while bf was around. And he had me all hot and bothered without being able to touch. It was, obviously the ultimate tease. I then caught him again on Saturday, this time with voice. We just talked. It's nice to talk and not worry about getting naked.... as much as I wanted to....there wasn't a lot of time.
I have been a bit on edge too, I've bought my train tickets to head out to see Rob. And I talked to my friend in London who was freaking me out about being able to get into London in time for the concert. She thinks that something "could happen" and that I should try to get in a day ahead (!?!) But I'm going to try to get into town for 2ish, the concert is at 8... she wants to be there by 7:30 at the latest... and I need to drop my bags at the hotel. I just don't want to have to rush the morning with Rob... if he comes.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Hi-No-Time
Happy HNT Bloggies and Bloggers.
This is not a click thru.... I just didn't have the time!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
co-worker today
Co-worker and I had moments alone today at work. We talked about how drunk I was, because he said that they were practically sober (I doubt it after 4 or 5 rounds of tequila and a beer, but who knows), and I said, that I had been fully lucid the whole evening and that I remembered everything. And he asked "so you were responsible for all of your actions?" and obviously I answered yes.
He is also very good at asking me offhanded and somewhat cryptic questions that are related to what's going on. He seems to be very observational. He asked if my mindset was any better today, and I said that it was. I said though that things may not be as they should be and he said the mysterious sentence: "don't drag anyone else into it". I'm guessing he's talking about himself... or perhaps Andy... but most likely himself.
but he's right, it wouldn't be fair.... I need to back off... although... he's the one who started it. (do I sound like I'm in kindergarten? lol)
Oh, and when I asked him if I could catch a ride to our lunch hole, he said "no you're dangerous". And I answered "not as dangerous as you" but he just said "what?" pretending not to understand.
When we got into his car to go to lunch, there was this stage prop of an arm in his back seat, and I said... "now what the heck is that?"... and he took it and said "I do this..." as he pretended to rub the back of my neck.
I made no further comments apart from my shying away from the horrid thing and laughing.
I think I got the hint though... in fact he has, over the past few days at work... not done any of the flirting he used to do. We'll see how things progress I suppose.
He is also very good at asking me offhanded and somewhat cryptic questions that are related to what's going on. He seems to be very observational. He asked if my mindset was any better today, and I said that it was. I said though that things may not be as they should be and he said the mysterious sentence: "don't drag anyone else into it". I'm guessing he's talking about himself... or perhaps Andy... but most likely himself.
but he's right, it wouldn't be fair.... I need to back off... although... he's the one who started it. (do I sound like I'm in kindergarten? lol)
Oh, and when I asked him if I could catch a ride to our lunch hole, he said "no you're dangerous". And I answered "not as dangerous as you" but he just said "what?" pretending not to understand.
When we got into his car to go to lunch, there was this stage prop of an arm in his back seat, and I said... "now what the heck is that?"... and he took it and said "I do this..." as he pretended to rub the back of my neck.
I made no further comments apart from my shying away from the horrid thing and laughing.
I think I got the hint though... in fact he has, over the past few days at work... not done any of the flirting he used to do. We'll see how things progress I suppose.
Recap thanks, and answers to comments
I think my last post was a a mirror of the chaos I felt during the argument. I need to be clearer.
I think it may be easily summed up in a few sentences.
Bf is a person I have always really cared for. He is not a terrible person, we are just very incompatible. We go months without arguing and then the big one hits and on occasion it's so bad I feel like things are falling apart and I even consider leaving him quite seriously. I probably should leave him on the one hand. But on the other we've been together for 13 years, we are generally happy together even if a lot of (but not all) my energy is spent on line with Rob.
When bf yesterday saw that the tension was wearing off towards the end of the argument he joked about buying a house and the fact that he even tried bringing it up made me genuinely laugh. He came over hugged me and told me he loves me, and that made me smile and tell him that he sometimes drives me crazy.
I appreciate all your comments and thoughts. Every one of you has given me something to think about and to consider. That is why I have the blog in the first place. I need that input to be able to understand things that are going on around me. I am not always objective enough to see everything.
I have not stopped considering moving out. I am still thinking about it, but obviously when things are "good" with bf it's harder to make that decision, but as Michael said in the comments, it's better to make those decisions with a clear mind.
Answers to your comments on my last post
John: thanks for the support, I have a wonderful support group here on line, and out in the real world as well. I have friends that always come out of the woodwork no matter what. So I am always thankful.
That Girl: Thanks hon, You got it exactly, I hate being in that state in a public place, I'm always afraid of losing it completely.
Anon #1: You're right. And this is why I'm still considering moving out, I don't think I've ever abandoned the possibility, it's often just easier to try to make things work than take that leap of faith so to speak.
Anon #2: I get the feeling you haven't been following for very long... or maybe you just got the wrong impression, or maybe I let the wrong impression slip through the cracks of my description of bf.
He has never treated me like crap. He has always treated me like gold, although there are communication problems between us that may never be sorted and we are extremely incompatible. We would probably be happier with other people in our lives, we are exact polar opposites.
I think though that you are right on one thing. I am rationalising my staying, but not because he treats me bad, but because I'd probably or possibly be happier on my own.
Advizor: you are right, crying helps, I have done a fair amount of that. Bf is being very cuddly and warm after the storm and yes I am lapping it up.
Panther: You know... you guys are just amazing. I have said it before, to john above, I am often amazed at the amount of support I get when times are tough. I really should be kissing the ground that you guys all walk on!!
Johanna: The foooood!! you have no idea... they can spend HOURS and HOURS just eating!!! I'm glad to be moving away from that importance unless of course it's a party ;-) Cooking my own stuff is a great solution.
Malcom: You are absolutely right... I always thought I was a strong independent woman, but in reality I just want to have someone decisive... I think you have me squared right down!
I totally understand about not being able to follow things, so don't worry about this blog, It's a mess!! I doubt you have any problems though, you've got the gist of the situation down perfectly. In fact your last "paragraph" about not lacking men in my life and needing to be swept off... is exactly how I feel. I guess we'll just have to see what happens.
I think it may be easily summed up in a few sentences.
Bf is a person I have always really cared for. He is not a terrible person, we are just very incompatible. We go months without arguing and then the big one hits and on occasion it's so bad I feel like things are falling apart and I even consider leaving him quite seriously. I probably should leave him on the one hand. But on the other we've been together for 13 years, we are generally happy together even if a lot of (but not all) my energy is spent on line with Rob.
When bf yesterday saw that the tension was wearing off towards the end of the argument he joked about buying a house and the fact that he even tried bringing it up made me genuinely laugh. He came over hugged me and told me he loves me, and that made me smile and tell him that he sometimes drives me crazy.
I appreciate all your comments and thoughts. Every one of you has given me something to think about and to consider. That is why I have the blog in the first place. I need that input to be able to understand things that are going on around me. I am not always objective enough to see everything.
I have not stopped considering moving out. I am still thinking about it, but obviously when things are "good" with bf it's harder to make that decision, but as Michael said in the comments, it's better to make those decisions with a clear mind.
__________________________________________________________
John: thanks for the support, I have a wonderful support group here on line, and out in the real world as well. I have friends that always come out of the woodwork no matter what. So I am always thankful.
That Girl: Thanks hon, You got it exactly, I hate being in that state in a public place, I'm always afraid of losing it completely.
Anon #1: You're right. And this is why I'm still considering moving out, I don't think I've ever abandoned the possibility, it's often just easier to try to make things work than take that leap of faith so to speak.
Anon #2: I get the feeling you haven't been following for very long... or maybe you just got the wrong impression, or maybe I let the wrong impression slip through the cracks of my description of bf.
He has never treated me like crap. He has always treated me like gold, although there are communication problems between us that may never be sorted and we are extremely incompatible. We would probably be happier with other people in our lives, we are exact polar opposites.
I think though that you are right on one thing. I am rationalising my staying, but not because he treats me bad, but because I'd probably or possibly be happier on my own.
Advizor: you are right, crying helps, I have done a fair amount of that. Bf is being very cuddly and warm after the storm and yes I am lapping it up.
Panther: You know... you guys are just amazing. I have said it before, to john above, I am often amazed at the amount of support I get when times are tough. I really should be kissing the ground that you guys all walk on!!
Johanna: The foooood!! you have no idea... they can spend HOURS and HOURS just eating!!! I'm glad to be moving away from that importance unless of course it's a party ;-) Cooking my own stuff is a great solution.
Malcom: You are absolutely right... I always thought I was a strong independent woman, but in reality I just want to have someone decisive... I think you have me squared right down!
I totally understand about not being able to follow things, so don't worry about this blog, It's a mess!! I doubt you have any problems though, you've got the gist of the situation down perfectly. In fact your last "paragraph" about not lacking men in my life and needing to be swept off... is exactly how I feel. I guess we'll just have to see what happens.
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