Tangible Desire

Over the past year my mind has gone through many phases for Rob. I'm not sure it was the same last time but I imagine it was similar.

Between meetings, the hardest part is getting used to the distance. Not so much the physical distance but the intermittent contact that's between us most of the time. I never really get used to it. I hate it to be honest. If I could, I'd have him on an IV drip. Don't ask me why. I don't know. He's my drug, always has been.

What happens though is that my mind starts to settle when I know I'm going to see him again. When I've booked my ticket and things are set. I feel more relaxed and sure of things. Up to that point, no matter how much reassurance I get, I still wonder (and often doubt) if he wants/needs/loves me.

The phase I'm in now is one of tangible desire for him. I often fantasize about him ravaging my body. But that's exactly what it is, a fantasy. I don't always have the images so defined in my mind.

These days I can clearly remember details, smells, sensations. And I crave the simplest of things. A kiss, a bite, a finger, the sensation of his hard cock under his jeans, undoing his belt, slipping a finger under the elastic of his boxers, his eyes watching me of course. It's all so clear.

Maybe I can conjure the images any time I want, maybe it's just a matter of letting myself....

Jobs, apartments and a Diet. (I wish this update were sexier)

Woot! I got a great job opportunity this week. It was really lucky and I thank my years of experience and hard work in my teaching. I got the job through word of mouth from two students so it makes me feel good that I got so highly recommended.

I got called into a fairly important local company, to teach a group of students.

Ok so it doesn't sound like much but to me it's huge. Most teachers here DREAM of having an opportunity like this because most of the time these companies call schools. The language schools then send out a teacher and the teacher gets paid peanuts compared to the percentage the school takes.

I got the job private so I could ask for whatever hourly rate I wanted. I didn't ask for an exaggerated amount mind you, but I did ask for 50 euros an hour. I have to pay taxes on that but in the end I pocket about 40. I'm definitely happy.

For now the course starts with 16.5 hours for an introduction and review of grammar, then there's a second part which will include a bunch of technical stuff. It's relatively complex stuff so I'll need to study to make things work. But I'm really proud of this... really happy.

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As for apartments I haven't found anything, though I've only been in to one place to ask. I have memorized an apartment I saw advertised that I need to check in on, but other than that I'm basically just trying to find time to do anything.

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The diet is going well. I spent the first few days craving anything sweet and breads. I had the fourth day where I started feeling awful. 5th and 6th days were hell, but then I realized that it was the meds I'm on that were making me so ill. I remedied that and feel pretty good today.  I'm sticking to my diet as best I can though on the 4th day I felt like I was going to pass out so I integrated whole rice and an apple. It was only later that I realized my symptoms were due to the meds. But I've kept the rice and apple in the diet. I feel better with them there.

I'm exhausted today. It's been a long day. I'm in a pretty good mood.... except I watched Arrow and cried.... Season Finale... I never cry during movies. But there was something about the last scenes that just got me. Next up is Game of Thrones... I'm just having a really quiet night in, it's only 8:40 and I'm ready for bed, I could easily crawl in and sleep. Maybe I will..... I need to eat first though. dinner.... the only problem with this diet is the cooking, it takes some planning.... not much mind you... but some.

Detox Diet and The Trip.

I'm thin... people make sure I remember that by constantly telling me how thin I am. I'm an eater though. I love food, good food, bad food, doesn't matter. I like to eat. I especially like pasta, breads, pastries, and chocolate.

I have recently decided to go on a detox diet for health reasons. It's a diet that eliminates all grains, glutens and well basically everything that isn't just greens and meat. No sugar, no honey, no fruit even. I'll be eating salads and white meat for 10 days and then I'll gradually reintegrate fruit. I started today and I'm already in withdrawal. I want bread. I want cookies. I want chocolate, I want anything sweet. It's incredible how addicted I am to sugar and wheat. I don't know how well I'll manage this diet. It's only day one.... I'm craving bad.

I need to be organized to manage this during my work week and not just on the weekend. The hardest part is snacking. I generally eat every two hours or so. I eat smaller amounts often and I don't know what to eat during those snack moments. Plain greek yoghurt is one thing that I can eat and veggies but they both aren't terribly transportable. I'll have to work something out.

As I go, I'll update on here if I manage it. I'm hoping the blog will keep me on track.

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On a separate note, I've been booking all my hotels, trains and stuff for my trip over to Paris and the UK. It's incredible how fast this trip is creeping up on me. It's already May and I leave at the end of June. I'm meeting Rob on the 7th of July so just under two months off.

I've talked to him a couple times fairly recently. We hadn't been in touch much over the past few months, we've both been busy and I think there must be a component of distance but I can't figure out the mechanism behind it or the reason why. I'm not sure if it comes from both of us or just one of us. Though I'm pretty sure it's both.

Getting back in touch was obviously really nice. I missed him a lot, I missed that connection with him. I really enjoyed our last chat. It was on Skype but it was typing only. It was just like old times (which is something that makes me feel old!) when we didn't have video or voice. We played silly word games and made stupid jokes and talked about all sorts of fun facts. We got into topics like Kids in the Hall and Moon Unit Zappa. I really enjoy that kind of talk with him. There was nothing or next to nothing sexual about it. It was very tame, like two good friends just having a good time.

fuck it.

This day has sucked the primordial bucket so bad....

They didn't accept the offer I put in on the apartment. After a day of arguing with the bf, this is how the day ends.

I hope tomorrow is better.

Maybe it'll even be sunny...

Birthdays and Arguments.

It was my birthday last Saturday. I had an amazing day. Bf took me to a nearby town to wander during the day. He let me choose what to do the whole day, no complaints. We went to a museum I've been dying to get to for years and we ate at a little greek takeaway place... mmm love greek food.

That evening he had to work but he said he'd be home by 9 (an hour early) to take me out to dinner. Before he left he told me that a friend of ours was going to stop by at 8 to drop something off. I worked an hour and then jumped into the shower at 7 just before 8 I was still in my housecoat with a towel on my head so I jumped into some clothes and waited for this friend to stop by.

At just after 8 the buzzer rings and I see 10 people on the little video screen, I pick up and they all start singing (yelling) happy birthday to me over the intercom.

They'd all brought stuff for dinner, took over the apartment while I dried my hair, tripped the breaker with a hair dryer, oven and microwave going and basically gave me the best birthday I've had in ages.

People mostly brought small simple gifts. I'd have preferred no gifts at all since they all prepared amazing food.

Bf got me a ukulele and a new wallet. I love my uke. I've already learned 2.5 songs, I still need to work on one.

Today though, I got into a big argument with bf. I feel like he's really upset with me because I'm booking two longish trips this summer, the one to Paris and the UK and then I have to go back home in N. America for a friend's wedding.

I did ask him if he wanted to come with me for the wedding. He knows that I have mixed feeling about having him along, but when I asked him if he wants to come he says that he can't afford it.

So now, as far as I can tell, part of the reason he's angry is because I'm considering taking a bit longer to travel to visit my sister in asia too (It's super unlikely it would be so expensive).

I don't get it. I don't understand what makes him angry, I don't understand if he's jealous of my trip, I don't understand if he wants to come... and when I tried talking to him about it, it's like going in circles and talking nonsense. At one point he even tried saying that my sister hadn't invited him and that he was offended. It's complete bullshit she did invite him and I told him that too... I clearly remember telling him that if we went together we'd get a bungalow at a cheap rate and if I went on my own I could stay with her in her bungalow (she works in a resort).

Half an hour ago he sort of apologized, as he does, he came in and gave me a hug and kiss. Didn't say I'm sorry or anything though, never does. But I'm still frustrated and upset because I feel like he's blaming me for stuff that I've really tried to be fair about.

An Interview.

Hey Cande! How are things?

Things are crazy right now. I'm working like a maniac and I haven't had time to do anything for myself really.

How's that apartment thing going?

Oh that... Well today I went to the agency and gave them a written offer for the place. I asked for 550 Euros completely furnished.

Why did you decide to ask for that?

Well my original plan was to ask for the place at 500 Euros with just a kitchen (yeah rental places here don't have ANY furnishings, including kitchens), but in the end if I have to furnish the place myself it would be more expensive. I'd rather have them do it and I don't have to worry about how to get the furniture to the apt.

And when will you know the answer? Do you think the owner will accept?

Hopefully by next week. I'm not sure if he'll accept, I'm just keeping my fingers crossed. If he doesn't accept I might make another offer, or I might just leave it. The floor plan isn't the greatest solution for my needs so we'll see.

How has the Bf been dealing with it all?

It's been kinda strange really. He's been really good. I have been having a hard time understanding how much to involve him in this process. I asked him if he wanted to come to the appointment with the agency today. I wasn't sure I wanted him there but then I started asking him questions about what was going to happen so he suggested he come along. I was somewhat relieved that he did.

Once there he wouldn't stop talking again, like he does when he's nervous. But at one point he went on a long monologue to the agent about how I'm so innocent and "good" and I don't give money any importance and that I don't have a bad bone in my body. He was trying to convince her not to take advantage of me. The whole talk made me cry. I was bawling inside but I managed to hide the tears and keep a straight face. I kept smiling and shaking my head at both the agent and at him to say it wasn't exactly true. It was rather rough though. I told him, when we left, that he'd made me want to cry I explained that he'd said some really nice things about me that weren't true (I can't take compliments) and he said it was the only way anyone could describe me.

So when do you move in?

If the owner accepts the offer I think August more or less.

Have you talked to Rob recently?

Rob, rob, rob... I spoke with him directly in a Skype conversation last week. It only lasted 20 minutes and I think we needed more than that. We seem to need a preliminary awkward chat and then we settle back into each other's comfort zone and we ease up. We're both so shy that it takes a bit before we get comfortable with each other's voices.

I have been quiet lately, I haven't been getting in touch with him much because we decided to leave that up to him.

I got in touch with him on Thursday evening though, when I got news of Storm Thorgerson's death. We'd been in a music art gallery together and could have bought his prints. We've sent a few emails back and forth but it's the weekend and I won't likely hear from him until next week.

Our meeting is constantly in the back of my mind. His voice, or rather memories of him telling me naughty things under his breath creep into my mind at unexpected times. English people on tv will remind me and I'll just go catatonic for a few moments until I can gather my wits again.

I don't remember the last time we got off together or vice versa he got me off or I him, so I miss that. I miss him in general but that can't be quenched so I can't really complain.

How are YOU feeling about all the change?

It's scary but at the same time I'm happy. I'm happier than I've been in a long time, though I'm not sure if that's just because it's spring, sunny and maybe because I don't have time to think, I'm working like a dog. Bf is getting out more now too, he's found some stuff that he enjoys doing in the evenings. So we're getting along very well. I think my peace of mind means a lot for the relationship. I feel like I'm taking a big step. Both in terms of my work, with my new business number finally coming together in a way that I can use it, and with the mental move from living with bf to him getting his place and me getting mine.

Another Apartment?

Thanks all for the well wishes. It's hard to lose a pet, but as many of you said, it's worth having them around. They're company is priceless.

I went to check out a new apartment the other day. I told bf I was going and since we've been doing a lot together in the past few days we decided to go together. It was a little strange, he did say that if I didn't want him to go he wouldn't get offended, but I said, hey why not, come along.

I half regretted it but at the same time it was useful to have him there. The owner was there and he seems like a genuinely nice person. Bf tends to talk too much when he's a little nervous so he rambled and rambled and rambled and I just wanted to do the talking myself. I even told bf before we left, let me talk. But he didn't.

Whatever, no harm was done I imagine. The place is interesting, it's the right size, but the set-up is terrible. It's on two floors, and I'd have to have the "living room/guest room" in the basement along with my work studio/laundry room. Upstairs I'd have the bedroom, kitchen and an entrance/large room where I'd teach and paint. It could work, but it would take a little organizing. I'd also be going up and down the stairs a lot with a living room downstairs and a bedroom upstairs.

The price is high though. They want a €100 more than the first place I'd found, so €660 but I'm going to see if I can get them down to €550.

The good thing is that it's closer to where I work and the centre of town. It's only a 5 minute walk from town instead of the 20-30 minute walk from the other apartment I'd found. PLUS it's on a super quiet street. I've got a large garden/patio almost all to myself. The owner lives upstairs but only part of the year since he travels a lot and has a second house in another part of the country. I'd say it's ideal....
Totally renovated, new tiles, two large bathrooms. One with a gorgeous shower with a built in seat.

We'll see how that goes.