Keeping up

I keep telling myself I need to keep things up to date on here and I think of interesting things to share and then I forget them. 

So here's a few.  

Co-worker is back to flirting. I thought he was done with that scene but I guess he wasn't quite. He started texting me the other day with a series of smileys. I answered with one back and we exchanged about 4 each. There was a heart on another text and the touching at work started up again. I even got a hug yesterday. I play along a little, but not giving in entirely as it can't go anywhere, I'd rather it not go anywhere. 

Bf has separated our bank account, took his portion of cash and separated the bills. I'm paying my own rent and everything as of the beginning of November, but he hasn't moved out. He has given me more closet space and helped cleaned stuff out a little, but I'm afraid to ask him to start living the the other apt. I think he plans on staying until I find something but I have no idea how long that will take and would rather he start living there part time at least. I just need to find the courage to break it to him. 

I did something moderately bad. I went through the bf's computer and phone the other day. He erases his text messages on a regular basis so there's really not a lot there. His computer on the other hand was more telling. He had a chat program in the trash, it's a French chat site. Not sure why there was some sort of download for it. His browser history was full of porn which didn't surprise me. 

I kinda giggled as the porn was mostly vintage 70's stuff. Lots of bush. The other stuff was searches for young anal stuff. No surprise there. I'm not sure why but I am almost surprised there wasn't any gay curious stuff. I've always suspected a little. There was only one page about tranny sex and I'm pretty sure it was a mistake. I think he'd just been going through all the popular pages of a porn site as there was a whole list of pages from the same site on the history. I think he tries looking stuff up in English but isn't too good at it since he doesn't speak English.

If he went through my computer he probably wouldn't find a whole lot, though he'd find blogger, I'm not sure he'd be able to figure out it was me writing. I have a locked folder with pictures of myself and a few things from rob. And a couple other secrets. He wouldn't be able to get into that though. 

"The Norm"

You know when you are in a conversation and it doesn't quite go the way you planned and how after the fact, even days later, you think back and the perfect responses come to mind?

I was talking to an acquaintance of mine about the bf moving out. When she asked about it I told her we weren't breaking up and that I just needed space. A whole lot of excuses came to mind. I explained that my parents divorced and that neither of them lives/lived with their partners. Her response was "so to you that's what feels normal". And I answered yes. 

Thinking back I kinda regret having explained myself. I think a much better response to her statement would have simply been 'it's the ideal situation for me, and the "norm" for society shouldn't be a limit for what feels right to me.'

She and her friend then went on to joke that it would work for her friend as well which showed they were trying to be accepting. 

I can't judge her reaction or comments, everyone comes to a conversation with their own background and experiences. But sometimes it's our responses that can make them think differently on a topic, which is why I regret not having thought of this that evening. 

Rampant gang bang.

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Away

I've been avoiding the blog. There are many reasons for my absence but the real reason is that I've just simply been avoiding it. 

Things are hectic as usual during fall. Courses are starting and taking up a lot of my energy and time not to mention private students. This fall has been dotted with difficulties though. My grandmother passed away. It was unexpected and harsh as I'd just seen her when I was back home visiting. She was in excellent health when I saw her and it came as a complete shock. Both my sister and I live disconnected from our extended family so people couldn't get in touch to let us know. We were devastated. Admittedly though she was very old and perhaps it's better that she went fast and painless at the age of 94. 

Bf is in the process of setting up his apartment. He has even freed up closet space in our place for me, but he isn't moving out yet. He spends a lot of time over there installing furniture and getting things set up. I went to pick him up the other day and used the washroom. It was a bit disconcerting to see a toothbrush and razor in there when he hasn't been sleeping there. It makes me nervous, but I try to ignore that feeling. 

He set up a whole display of photographs glued to the back of his front door from our various travels many of which are shots of me and him or just me. It's just something I found very sweet. 

He was also good when my grandma passed on and kept close. 

I will try to keep up with the blog more I promise. 

I'd like more anything please.

I've been having a hard time getting back to the internet. I've been launched full force into work since I got back and I haven't really been feeling the internet thing.

I haven't really had much time on my own either. The bf was on "holiday", meaning that the usual 3 afternoons he actually leaves the house to work were spent at home too.

He is in the process of furnishing the apartment he bought. He was going to move in September, then it was October, now it's looking like it won't be before the end of October possibly November.

We've been getting along though and so I guess it's ok. I've just been needing time alone. I really need time on my own.

I kinda feel like I have no men in my life right now. Apart from the bf... and even there it's just a friendship relationship atm, the others are all just kinda hanging on the sidelines. Rob has been in touch just in the last couple of days with a game but I haven't seen him or heard from him in months. Office guy sent me a virus that I thought was a genuine email and I responded so we started talking today, but he keeps insisting on meeting and I don't want to meet him. Co-Worker is around, we've been seeing each other more often, a couple times a week, but our interaction is very professional, and yeah there's the occasional friendly chat, nothing more, not even much flirting. So sad. I need more men.... more flirting, more anything....  I guess part of it is due to the fact that I've been staying away from the internet, but I just feel like I need "reality".

________________________________

Going back home to N. America was amazing. I've even been talking about moving back there. I'd love to spend more time with my friends back home.

I went to a wedding. It was my best friend marrying another of my best friends. 

It was the single most beautiful wedding I've been to, and I've seen quite a few. It was sweet, heartfelt, spontaneous, simple, fun, and family/friend oriented. 

When I think of weddings I normally think of the grand affairs with hundreds of people, caterers, photographers and dollars spent on everything.

This was the opposite. It focused on feelings, memories, family and love. 

I spent time with the people I grew up with, my second family and I cried when I left.

I've been toying with the idea of going back for years. I could set up a three year plan to go back too. If I work hard, make a bit of money and apply for citizenship here I could get a European passport and come and go as I please in Europe, working where I want. Who knows.... One thing at a time I guess.

Jet Lag

My trip was amazing. I have stories to tell, though only the more banal ones involve me directly. 

My best friend's wedding was beautiful. Probably the most wonderful event I've had the pleasure to attend. 

I saw family and friends and cried when I had to leave them. I wish I could stay. I really wish I could spend more time with my second family. I miss them and that part of the world a lot. 

I've been keeping my distance from the net a bit. Needing that space. 

Upon my return I went looking for a cable and instead came across an old fold-out Kodak camera and decided to get film for it. I've been playing with it and adore it, though I haven't seen any of the pictures yet. 

Work is getting busier. Things will really start to pick up next week. I have new students, new courses, get to see coworker a little more. 

Nothing much else is new. 

My dad went down on Kevin Bacon!?

So yeah, I had this dream where I was traveling with the bf, my dad, his wife and Kevin Bacon in a camper. My dad's wife went to sleep. Bf and I went for a walk and upon our return we find Kevin Bacon in the driver's seat in ecstasy while my dad gives him a bj. 

Where the fuck did that come from? Never mind the fact that the following events were no less disconcerting because I take the bf to our bed for sex as I seemed to be turned on by the whole thing. *shudder* not at KB mind you, but at my dad.... with another guy. Too much. So weird.