friends?

I’ve been through some weird times recently. Most of the events revolve around men and dating... or even not dating. Just men. It’s been a rollercoaster. And I’ve come to realize two major things.

Men are attracted to me, yes, but there’s a drive that is incredibly strong and almost frantic. They become strongly infatuated and not in a healthy way. 

It’s like either they couldn’t care less, or it’s over the top insane. There’s no healthy middle ground of flirting and getting to know someone. 

And possession... wtf is up with that? Guys just want to own you. 

Anyhow, back to my two revelations, I have realized that birth control has an effect of dampening hormones. It makes women less fertile... obviously, but in doing so it also makes them less attractive as a mate. I believe a large number of women, if not the majority are on some kind of birth control. I haven’t been on birth control for over 20 years. I think it must drive men crazy. I know it affects the voice, skin, minor physical changes in the face, but also pheromones. It’s the only logical explanation. I’ve had a couple men just blurt out that they want me to have their children. 

This brings me to revelation number 2 And that is that I’ve always thought I get along better with men. Most of my friends are men. Now though, I have learned that they don’t really see me as a friend. They just want to fuck me. And so, I now understand I have very few actual friends. It sucks and makes me feel quite lonely. I have a handful female friends that I am eternally thankful for. They keep me sane. 

Slut

On our last encounter there was a moment when we were on the couch at the penthouse flat he had one hand under my ass filling my hole and the other from the top working my clit. His mouth was on my ear, licking, biting, kissing, and he whispered all sorts of filthy things to me. This is something that made me cum so fast and so hard that I barely knew what hit me.

"Slut". It's a word that he uses with me and for some reason I can't get enough of it. It's a word that feels unbelievably sexy with him. Maybe it's the way he says it, his accent or simply the feeling he infuses into it. It rolls off his tongue easily, comfortably, and without judgment. When he says it I feel like I belong to him, that I'm his. It counter intuitively makes me feel good because in reality it's a word that should incite filth. And it still does to a degree, but a private, secret filth that is just ours, and that makes me feel incredible. If anyone else used it with me it would sound strange. It would potentially feel uncomfortable.

If any of you are still keeping up, before I broke up with the BF, my sexual desire was below zero. I went from having daily orgasms, a few years ago to once a month, at most. Now, I'm back to daily and often more than once a day. I feel like me again. I'm back.
He has definitely awakened a beast. I just want more and more.

2018 trip to the UK with Rob

Hi
I guess this is what I've been reduced to... updating a couple times a year.

BF - breakup
Things have been going surprisingly well since the breakup. I can't say it has been easy. There were a lot of frustrating things and difficult situations. They still happen from time to time. The bf has been by a couple times, we've talked on the phone a bit. It's so familiar and easy that it's sometimes a little to easy to get caught in the trap of just falling back into routines. I try to keep my distance, he wants to be closer. He has mentioned that he wants to phone me more but I stayed away from the topic.

ROB
On a brighter note I went to see Rob in the UK. It was a great trip in some respects. Rob was the first part of a longer trip. I really enjoyed seeing him. It was one of our favourite trips I think. There was a lot of good sex. There was a lot of good head, at least that's what he says. I may have spent hours on his cock, specifically with it jammed down my throat. There was also some great socializing and wonderful moments out in the real world. We went to a small jazz concert in a pub near where we were staying. The evening was really special. I know that sounds cheesy but it was really an evening that I'll never forget. Great music, wonderful atmosphere.

The rest of the trip was good but unusual. I can't really put my finger on what it was that was weird about it either. I just know it didn't feel right, not that it felt wrong... it just felt different than it normally does when I travel to the UK by myself. Usually I feel comfortable and at ease with myself. This time I felt out of place. I felt like I didn't fit in. I wanted to go out and have fun but instead I stayed in my flat watching Netflix in the evenings. In the day I wandered aimlessly. 
I often felt lonely, really lonely. I wanted to meet people but I felt incapable of even that. Perhaps part of the issue was that I chose to stay in an Airbnb when I usually stay in hostels where it's so much easier to meet people. One moment stuck with me, it was unintentional flirting. I happened to make eye contact with an American guy on a bus in London. We would occasionally make eye contact throughout the ride, I even contemplated staying on the bus to see where they were going. In the end I got off at my stop but our gaze held even as I was off the bus. He craned his neck to see me walk away once off the bus. I looked back to see if he was looking. This whole interaction cheered me up to no end. I thought about it a lot and felt good about myself.

I guess after 20yrs with someone, I'm totally out of touch about how to flirt with guys. I haven't done it in so long, not in person. I've always resorted to doing whatever flirting online.

On my return home Rob and I have had an intense groove on. I guess there had been a lag in our connection before we met up... not a lag... rather a reduction (logical, since we hadn't met up for 4 years). When I got home we went through and perhaps still are going through a period of intense communication and sexual desire for each other. We have had some nights together on Facetime, and some really nice conversations about how we feel about each other. I melt for this type of interaction. It's where I get a lot of fuel. Internal, external, sexual, and artistic.

There is a 'BUT'.... and it's that I'm single and supposedly open to new relationships. I'm not consciously going to turn down opportunities. I'm currently not actively looking for anything but when I go out I find my eyes wandering. I haven't seen anyone that interests me in the least. It's actually hard to find people my age who are decent citizens. The guys I see that I'm physically attracted to look like they might be drug dealers. Rob is worried that I might sabotage my chances of finding someone because of him. I have thought about that a lot. I'm not sure that it will happen. I imagine it's possible but I hope to find someone that really blows me away. Someone that would distract me enough.... but distract me enough for what? Will I ever stop things with Rob? I don't think I'd be able to. I think there will always be a connection there. Things may dissipate but I don't think they'll ever go away.

Then there's the fact that I find myself trying to figure out guy's ages. I find that I'm rubbish at gauging age now. I find myself looking for someone that looks like Rob, but where I live that's pretty much impossible. So there's that unconscious issue there.

That's enough rambling for now. Hopefully it won't take me so long to update.... no promises.

It's Done. Broken. Over.

It's been two weeks I think. I've lost track. It was a Thursday that I finally told him. The conversation was simple. So, so simple. I told him that I thought it was time to let go and he simply said yes. We talked about it. We hypothesized alternatives but none of them were feasible.

We took the weekend to think things over and met up on Monday. He needed to talk. He needed to set some records straight. He got a lot of things off of his chest and it wasn't angry or anything. It was simply pent up things that he needed to get out: those feelings he never managed to express all came tumbling out in the form of excuses and regrets. There were moments I could have answered, given my side of the story but I didn't. I avoided any conflict. I didn't want to get into any of it. I didn't want to create an angry break up or feelings of guilt.
The only thing I got into was the stuff around kids. And that upset him. Hearing about his behaviour around that made him angry with himself. 

He mentioned a few times that maybe in the future things could change. I said that I doubted it but that in reality there's never any guarantee of anything so who knows. I know deep down that it's over though.

We are still in touch, we have been texting a once or twice a week. He has taken almost everything from my place. There really isn't much left here. I feel sad and am in mourning of course, but I feel isolated and alone. I feel scared because 20 years with someone is a long time and I don't know where to go from here.

The week we broke up sucked ass. The cat got sick on the Wednesday, he had an allergic reaction to the vaccine. I had to take him to the Vet three times in two days to get injections and various medications. It was scary as fuck and I thought he was going to die.

One of the harder things I've had to deal with is telling people about the break up. They ask why and I just look at them blankly. I don't know why after 20 years it fell apart. I mean I do, but I can't exactly tell them the whole story can I? I've come up with the phrase, it became routine, the relationship just ran out.

The other major issue I've had is that I told my boss, she told one of my good friends (lets call him John) and he told his wife (Jane) and another friend in common (Ted). Great! I'm actually happy about that, it saves me from telling people. But then they pretend not to know. WTF?! And yesterday I find myself telling people and they pretend to act surprised.
After seeing the whole group yesterday without any mention of it I texted Ted and said "You know right?" and he said yes but not to mention it to John because he'd get angry.
I told Jane in person last night (who pretended to be surprised) and instead John (her husband and the one who told Ted) texted me this morning saying that his wife broke the news to him and that if I needed anything etc.

What pisses me off about this whole thing is the pretending that they don't know. That and the fact that they couldn't just send a message saying "hey, we heard... blah blah, if you need anything or if you want to go out let me know."
Even after I told everyone not a single one asked how I was or how the BF was doing. We've known some of these people for 20 years.

His family on the other hand has been amazing. His sister called me and told me that I am still part of the family and always will be. His nieces who I love very much texted me and told me they love me and that I will always be their aunt. Losing them hurts a lot. I love their company and they're such great people.

Now I just try to keep busy. I am planning a few trips. One is to the UK. Yes I'll likely see Rob.
The weird thing is that things seem to have turned around. There's a weird domino effect that happened after the break up. Financially my investments turned around and I got noticed by a local gallery. I walked in as an translator (I do translation work for them) wearing one of my jewellery pieces and they ogled it and asked me to bring in more so they could put them on their website to sell in their online shop.

Positive things happening in all this.

How did it go?

So the trip to Istanbul.... It was amazing to see my sister obviously. It had been a year. The bf was aloof the whole trip. It was like a teenager that doesn't want to spend time with his parents on holiday so he sits in a corner on his phone or wanders off on his own to see things without us while we're in a cafe having a drink.

He didn't behave badly per se. In fact I was expecting it to go much worse. I was expecting arguments, big ones. That didn't happen. He left a day and a half before me. This was planned. I wanted an extra couple of days with my sister. He had to get back for work.

My sister and I had the opportunity to talk alone one day. She knows the bf and she has always defended him and tried to convince me to hang onto the relationship. This time however she was different. She mentioned that she could be biased because of what I told her about my paranoia before coming out to Istanbul but she thought that it was basically time for a change. She told me that his behaviour on the trip seemed strange to her. He was acting weird. She had asked him what he wanted to do on his last day in the city and he answered that he didn't know, he hand't researched anything because he didn't want to come. Basically saying that I'd forced him into coming.
On another occasion while my sister and I were in a shop that the boys (hers and mine) weren't interested in, he took off for a pub next door. He didn't mention it to anyone, and when my sister's bf went and found him with his beer, he sat down and ordered one too. My bf got up and walked off to go see some shops. Sure there's a communication problem, the bf doesn't speak much English so they wouldn't be able to communicate much, but really?? he got up and walked away from a guy who sits down with you to have a beer?

I have talked about it with my best friend and I've gone over the options and I've thought about it long and hard. There have been a chain of hints lately that have brought me to the conclusion that it's time to break it off. I keep trying hard not to say the phrase "try to break it off". I am fairly determined this time. I don't know how it will go. I fear it will be very difficult. I can't see any way of breaking a 20 year relationship off easily. I haven't been crying but I did next to nothing today, I just sat on my bed or couch sulking. I have been close to tears. The bf made a surprise visit to my place today and saw that I was lackluster. He kept asking me questions about why I was so down. I couldn't answer. I wanted to tell him right then, I couldn't find my words, it's like I couldn't think of any way to breach the subject. It was also just a mere hour before a lesson and I didn't want to get into it really. I sort of did, but I couldn't find the words.

I'm not sure when I'll do this. I don't know when the best time is, for me or him.  I just want to get it over with and start moving forward.

Trip to Istanbul

Hey, I'm actually managing to keep this up... for now.

So I live far, far away from the rest of my family. Not just because I myself am an expat, but because all my close family are expats too. We all live in completely different corners of the world. My sister lives in Asia and will be coming to Europe (or close to it) to see me. She decided on Istanbul so I'm meeting her there.

Every time she comes to visit she comes somewhere close, but not to my home town since she's already been here so many times. This way I can meet up with her easily and have a quick vacation while we're at it. Every time she comes to the area she asks if BF will be able to join us and every time I ask him he hems and haws about it. Every time he says he doesn't know if he'll make it, doesn't know what his work schedule will be like. He says that if he goes on a holiday now he won't be able to afford our regular holiday in August. Since he's vague about whether he can come or not, it means that as my sister's trip gets closer she asks me the dates that WE're available, how many rooms in the apartment we should rent etc. Details that we need to settle before we travel and EVERY time bf stays vague and ultimately says he can't come at the last minute or only if I press him for an answer.
This has been three years now.

This year I got angry, I said that if it was an issue with money I'd pay for it, and lo and behold he accepted to come. I am regretting it now. I think it's going to be a nightmare, I may be wrong, but it's a gut feeling.

In the meantime I am seriously contemplating breaking it off again. If things go badly in Istanbul it'll be easier to do.

This Secondary Life I Am Leading is Fading.

Hi, It's Been a While.
Why am I coming back now? I've basically left this blog for dead. There are a number of factors as to why. Most of them being simply related to my waning desire to keep up with things on here. They trickle down into the fact that blogger pulled their app from Apple products so I couldn't update from my phone anymore, making it that much harder to keep up.

I wonder if anyone is still out there, if I'm on anyone's radar anymore. Don't suppose it matters much. I have a total of three friends from Blogger that keep in touch on occasion via email but I'm even bad at getting back to them. This secondary life I am leading is fading.

It's fading. I've lost interest. Or maybe I'm just growing up. I've lost my desire somehow. It disappeared a long time ago. Not even sure when. It's my desire to feel sexy, to be sexy, to want guys to notice me. I ignore it all now.

How are things going with Rob?
Well Rob is still on the scene, but in a somewhat distant manner. I saw him for a flashing instant online in a crazy kick to try getting off while bf was taking a nap the other day. Bf woke up and I had to hang up the video call. But before that, it had been over a year since I'd seen him I think... I may be wrong, it may be 9 months.... I honestly can't remember the last time I saw him in a video call. We may have talked in a normal phone call between then.
He asks me regularly when I'll come see him, and I regularly try to sort it out. I even look at flights, but then life gets in the way and I can't seem to sort it out. It's also hard to justify going to see him when I've already got another 3 trips planned for this year.

Things with the BF?
I'm at a point where I can't stand the BF. This is likely temporary though. I go through periods, as we all know. There have been a number of episodes that could warrant a post each but I'm not sure I want to get into all that detail. I'll break them down  briefly:

His Trip to Romania and Prostitutes: After a trip with a friend to Romania he received a phone call from (a different) friend while I was in the room. I could clearly hear the friend asking about the women in Romania. The bf got flustered and started talking loudly over him to try to shut him up. I got suspicious and wanted to look into his phone (he has a recording app that records all his phone calls). Didn't manage that until the next day and the call was gone. He'd deleted it. I confronted him about the phone call (not mentioning that I tried to find it on his phone) and he even offered to play me the recording so I accepted. When I did, he started to refuse to play it "why should I play it for you? Why should I give up my privacy because of you?"... suspicion rising... finally I confessed that I'd gone looking for it and it wasn't there. He was "surprised" and proceeded to spend 15 minutes looking for it. A long discussion about prostitutes followed where the final result was that he can't understand why I have anything against them (which I don't as people). But I do have an issue with the men who fuck them. He got really worked up about it and kept repeating "they're just people too!"".  My take on this is that there is a possibility he slept with a prostitute while on his trip or that he has used them in general. Something that I do not condone. He acted suspicious.

My Paranoia: I can't shake the paranoia. I honestly don't know if it's a part of my mood swings or what but I get to the point where I feel like I'm close to insanity. There are things that trigger me and I will go on a rampage through the bf's stuff, through his phone and wallet, I'll break into his apartment (which I never go to, even when he's there, but I have keys) and I go through everything in his house. The most recent event was triggered by an ejector tool for SIM cards that I found on the passenger seat of his car. He generally keeps it behind his phone under the silicone cover but oddly it was sitting on the passenger seat. When I started thinking he must have a second SIM card somewhere I searched his car, found another ejector tool in the cup holder where he keeps change. And yet another ejector tool in his wallet. However I found no secret SIM card. It got to the point that at 4:00am when the bf was sleeping at my house, I sneaked out of the house and rode my bike to his to see if I could find anything. Again, I found nothing. I'm still not convinced though.

The Cat: The latest issue is a birthday present. It was my 40th birthday this year. The bf got me a simple diamond infinity type ring. His relatives (nieces, brothers and sisters) were all asking him what they could get me and he convinced them to get me a kitten. This was his decision, not theirs. He went and looked for one online, did all the leg work and brought it home. Don't get me wrong, I love cats, I've always had them, and I've recently been contemplating the possibility of having one, but not a kitten. I would have got myself a shelter cat most likely a grown one.
Since the arrival of the kitten the bf spends more time at my house, uses his keys to get in when I'm not here, doesn't buzz me to open for him, just lets himself in and I feel guilty saying anything about it. He is really attached to the kitten, to the point that he calls it "his cat" jokingly. He distracts it constantly even when he's sleeping with me or playing with me, trying to call its attention away from me. The kitten was really attached to me when I first got it. It would follow me around and only sleep with me. I get the impression the bf has made it his mission to take that away from me. Spending as much time as he can with the fucking thing. I have gotten to the point where I want to tell him to take it to his place. I try really hard to not be possessive and jealous over this. However it's a very distinct impression that I get but I can't prove it so I don't know if I'm insanely jealous and imagining things or if there is some basis to my sensation. I know that if I point it out he would deny it he would call me crazy and get really offended. It would be a constant bone of contention after that.

 Sex, or Celibacy?
I don't remember the last time I had sex. It was a long time ago and it may have been a year ago... Maybe longer, maybe less.... it's really hard to say. I have no record of it. No wait... it just donned on me. I had a pregnancy scare. That was July last year.
What the fuck am I still doing in this relationship? Is sex this important or does a 20 year marriage to someone mean more than staying sexually active?
I mentioned this to Rob. He had three things to say: one was that bf must be getting it elsewhere. He asked surprised why he isn't fucking me. And he wants to be the first to fuck me in over a year.
Part of me is turned on by that and part of me is just sad. I've lost 90% of my libido. I don't really get horny anymore and if I get myself off it's something like a few times a month at most.

Why am I back?
Not sure. I felt like I just needed some space I guess. I needed a place to get this down, get it out, see it in a physical form. Try to get my head around whether I'm nuts, whether it's worth me holding on to something that seems to be non existent (my relationship with the bf). I don't know if it's worth it... How many times have I said this?