Trip Trip Trip

Me
I'm exhausted. I've been taking the fibro meds now for over two weeks and I feel worse than when I started. Maybe it's just one of those days. But today my mood is terrible and I just feel like I'm going to fall over if the wind blows me in the wrong direction.

I went to a public office to ask about funding for my (hypothetical) business and the whole thing got me in this mood. Or maybe it was Bf's participation that got me here. The meeting wasn't actually all that bad except that it confused me and I probably realized that the whole thing is much more complicated than I thought it was.
Whatever.... the funding exists but I have to go back in May, that's when they know how much money is available and for how many businesses.

Rob and a new Trip to LONDON
I'm booking my trip to London this week. I've been having a hard time with that too. Every time I try to book it, something comes up around the dates and I have to move the trip around. Whether it's BF complaining, my job, Rob going away or my friend in London going away or whatever... It's no-one's fault directly, it's just complicated.

So I've pretty much decided on the 17th of April. That's less than a month away. Rob and I will meet up for our 3rd time and possibly for a whole 2 days and nights this time. I smile every time I think about it. The fact that he was the one to suggest two days makes me swoon... ok maybe not swoon, but it makes me really happy. I'm really looking forward to it.

He said that we'll probably meet on the 22nd of April.

I have some mixed feelings about this trip. I'm not sure why. I haven't really dug down deep enough to understand why yet and I'm not sure I really want to. But the surface feeling that I keep pushing away is that perhaps (quite possibly) I'm getting into deeper waters, deeper than either of us might be able to handle. I don't want to think about it. I think, though, that the last meeting was also riddled with similar emotions, but the unknown was strongest. This time I know EXACTLY what I'm getting into so the mystery of "what's to come" isn't veiling all the other emotions.

Co-Worker
Co-W is one of the reasons my trip might have been moved. I talked to him today on the phone and it wasn't an easy conversation.
Let me start by saying that I wasn't calling him. I called the girl that I work with to ask her whether she would be around for those weeks. She was with Co-W and when she asked me where I was headed he piped up with "can I come?"... I shrugged off the comment without answering really. When I finally got him on the phone it turns out that he is heading off to do a job during the same period that I'll be away. That would leave the studio with 9 students to deal with possibly without me or him around. This could cause some difficulties.
In the end I got a bit frustrated with him because he couldn't pinpoint whether he would have to be away during that time or not and he ended up telling me to book it anyhow and he'll deal with things when they come round.
Truth be told I've been talking about this trip for over 6 months, and I have been saying it will be in Spring... so he acknowledged that and told me to do what I thought was best.

Moving forward?

Things are moving forward on all fronts. Although I don't know where they are going exactly. At least I feel like things are not stagnant.

BF

Bf is getting his exams done to get his new job on the go. I'm proud of him, but at the same time I don't know how easy it will be for him to get work. Without getting into too much detail due to the whole public blog problem I'll say that his career move is very tightly connected to my own work. To be clear I work a few different jobs one (where co-worker works) is with tourists and bf has hinged his career on ours. Except my boss is having to make cutbacks due to the world economy and both Co-worker and my other colleague are thinking of backing out. If they back out, I won't be staying and I think the business will then just peter out. I'm worried that bf relies on that a little too much.

Me and work

I love my jobs, especially the one where Co-worker works, I really do, but a lot of me is staying for the art, and part of me is staying for co-worker. 

Where I'm headed though is into a possible business venture. Opening my own business. Next week I go into a meeting to see about EU grants. If it goes as I think it does I may end up leaving my current job to do something of my own. I don't have my hopes too high, but I am relatively wound up about it. I like the idea to an extent.

As for my fibro and muscle relaxants I feel like the meds have settled a little bit, but at the same time the smallest slip up, like an afternoon nap has my blood pressure plummeting and me being jumpy, dizzy and on edge.

I will probably book my tickets to London this week. 

Rob
We had a wonderful little exchange yesterday. The whole little affair had me trembling, grinning and giddy. It wasn't anything that anyone might call incredible, but it was all mine and filled me with warm fuzzy. lol.

Co-Worker

I saw him yesterday. When things happen they all happen at once. It was nothing special, except that we didn't really look each other in the eyes. He did stop in front of me to ask me the correct pronunciation of a word and blathered on about a song in the movie Juno. It was one of those scenes that you'd see in a movie where the guy goes on talking almost uncomfortably embarrassingly. It only strikes me now that I'm writing about it. 

Apart from that, there was absolutely nothing. All I wanted to do was send a text. But I didn't. 

The Italian

We never did hook up the weekend he was here. And I do want to meet him. I want to see him. But I needed a little more forewarning. I just needed to work out the details in advance.

Common musings

The days have been dragging on even if it's spring here. The weather has warmed up just enough to be able to enjoy being outdoors but I've been out very little compared to what I'd like. I tend to limit myself to my own patio, soaking up the warm rays of the sun. Recharging my batteries.

I talked to Rob for a little bit at the end of last week, around Thursday. And I thought I was going to see Co-worker on Friday but that didn't happen. I haven't seen Co-worker at all in ages. I did talk to him on the phone last Monday but it was purely work.

My doctor put me on some muscle relaxants. I started them Friday eve. Saturday my blood pressure crashed and burned in the afternoon. Possibly due to the meds, possibly due to overheating and oversleeping. I was barely able to move. Bf got me some black tea and some chocolate and that seemed to boost me a little.

There was a strange series of events yesterday. I got a chat from the Italian guy saying that he'd be in my area this weekend until Tuesday. We had a brief chat on Saturday evening and I honestly wanted to go to see him today (Sunday). We had it all worked out, except I hadn't had time to work any excuses out with BF. That evening I planned on telling BF there was an art show I wanted to see in a nearby town, but when push came to shove, BF insisted that we go to a different town to take a jacket back that he had bought for me.

End of the story is that we didn't go to take the jacket back. I was feeling too weak from the blood pressure collapse from yesterday and ended up taking it easy at home. It was frustrating knowing that I could have taken the day to go to see the Italian instead.

If only I'd had just a little more warning I'd have set up a day to go out of town without bf and this way bf wouldn't have insisted on going somewhere else. Technically I still have monday and tuesday to organize something, but I'm working on both those days.

Gah. So frustrating.

Highs and Lows. Sex description included.

Why does everything always end up happening all at once?

It's been a crazy couple of days. There have been a lot of highs and lows. Mostly lows.

The Highs
The highs were the texting with co-worker which still has me reeling and my mind whirrs and I love it so I can't complain about that. I'm frustrated that I have no way to communicate with him about how I feel though. I know he doesn't want to get into text chats about it. While we were in Corfu he was very clear that he was the one who made decisions in this. So I just wait on him I guess.

I emailed a few times with Rob sent him some pics. Although I haven't had the chance to talk to him since he got back from his holiday. I've been really yearning just to talk to him on the phone. Anything.

I had sex with bf twice in two days ... that's pretty rare. The 1st time was intense and I loved it and still get off on the thoughts and memories around it. I really can't complain about sex with the bf it's ALWAYS good and I almost always get off. He had me in a position yesterday that got me off so fast.... It'll be hard to explain and it was in all honesty a very strange position. But there was something about it that just... mmmmm.
We were fucking from a side position. So: facing each other lying on our sides, my leg over his hip. He started pushing fingers into my mouth, and eventually his thumb made its way in, all the way in, deep. Then he did something strange, something he's never done before. He pushed my head down, then my shoulders, until I was basically folded in half on my side, with my shoulders at the height of his belly. His thumb still deep in my throat and his other hand on the back of my neck. It was like he was pushing me to go down on him, but his cock was deep in my pussy. But it felt like he was expecting me to suck him off, and his thumb delved deeper into my mouth, limiting on my throat. He pushed in rhythm both his cock and thumb, and well I was stimulating my clit and... yeah, that did it.

The Lows
My best friend back home is leaving her abusive husband and I've been worried about her and it has been rough, especially for her, but strangely also for me. Let's just say our lives are very tightly intertwined. I think I've mentioned before that she married my Ex...

Then there's my citizenship. I found out that I can request a citizenship this year (which was a high for me). But the Italian bureaucracy is so contorted that I need to prove that I make 8000 Euros a year when legally as a freelance worker I can't earn more than 5000 Euros. WTF is up with that?? ugh
It's the frustration that makes me want to cry. I couldn't care less about the actual citizenship (except for the fact that I could work in other parts of Europe.)

Then there's my medical check up with a Rheumatologist yesterday. I went back hoping to get some more clarification on my Fibromyalgia and basically was hoping he'd tell me that the doctor who diagnosed me was wrong. It didn't quite go that way. He confirmed it and basically confirmed that all the problems I've had are all connected to the FM, so kidney stones, kidney infections, colics, chronic cough, sinus problems... and the list goes on and on...
In a half hour I'm going to call my doctor to let her know. I'm hoping she can get me a certificate stating that I don't need to pay for my healthcare with this kind of "illness" but I basically already know that it won't be covered.

Bf doesn't really get the Fibro thing. I brought him along to the appointment in hopes that he'd "get it". But he doesn't. Maybe I'm jumping the gun. We only had one conversation about it today. We've been joking around a lot these days making a lot of jokes about one another and taking things generally very lightly. Sometimes I find it hard to figure out if he's being serious or not. Time will tell though I guess.
It's one problem I've had with him in the past though, just not accepting that I have any kind of illness. He thinks I make things up. He thinks they are psychosomatic or that I' a hypochondriac, and I often feel like one at times, there are just so many symptoms it sucks.

OMG! WTF? Co-Worker TXT... and the Mosuos

To major things happened yesterday afternoon/evening They may seem insignificant to an outside observer, but they made a huge impact on me.


Co-Worker
One was a text conversation with co-worker. It was a total of 6 messages but extremely revealing.

They went something like this (the conversation was held in a mix of Italian and English, mostly Italian for him, and mostly English for me but we did combine sentences of both):

Him: I've been dreaming about you recently :-/ (Italian)

Me: Good or bad dreams? I have to admit you've made an appearance in my head recently too. (Italian)

Him: Really sluuuurpy dreams! (here slurpy is an italian steal from comics, meaning yummy), I was tempting you, I'm in your thoughts, you came to Corfu, you work where I work, you made snow sculptures, Stop it. (Italian)

Me: I can't stop... part of me wants you... slurpy is good though. (English)

Him: While they are dreams.. reality is intriguing but we are good...right? Mmmm Slurpy, have a nice nite... because the night... ... (Italian)

Me: Hm good? I'm not sure I am... but yes the night....I'm definitely not good. Slurp. (English)

Ok, so it's just an OMG! WTF moment. After all the ignoring and trying to forget and no contact and his not answering me and total lack of electronic response to me he comes out with all this?? ok... so moving beyond the surprise he references both that 'famous' text that I sent him a while back basically saying 'you tempt me' as well as my pics on FB with my snow sculptures. So he's been internet stalking like the rest of us.

The whole episode has lifted a massive 1000 ton of bricks from my shoulders. I have been ruminating the whole Greece thing with confusion and some anguish for the past... what? 8 or 9 months? I thought he was angry at me, I irrationally thought he kinda hated me, I honestly thought he was avoiding me at all costs. But now it feels like things are back to normal. I don't have to act on anything, and I probably won't, but I feel better knowing that the attraction is still there for both of us. It's all I really wanted... a little closure, a little admittance, a little acknowledgement, that's all. Phew.

Mosuo
The other thing that might seem even more insignificant is my discovery of the existence of a tribe in the Chinese Himalayas called "Mosuo". They are probably one of the only Matriarchal tribes left in the world. What caught my attention most was what they call "Walking Marriages" where the women sleep with partners when they want and with whoever they want. If she becomes pregnant the child is hers and a family is not created around a mother-father union, rather the family is created through the mother line, everyone born from that mother lives with their mother and if the daughters have children the family gets bigger. The men live at home with their mothers the women live at their homes. Everyone is free.

One of the most important lines from the documentary was "when the love finishes it's time to move on". It's exactly how I'd live. Exactly how I think I'd be if society didn't force women into certain roles. What would society think if a woman just slept with different partners all her life so that she could feel in love all the time? She would be considered promiscuous. But with the Mosuos it's just the way it is, it's the natural evolution of things. The whole goal of the women in that tribe is to feel constantly in love. Isn't that just amazing?

Society today is based on an antique Patriarchal system where men owned their women, daughters were sold into marriage. Maybe it's time to start changing things.
To boot, the tribe doesn't even have a word for war or conflict.

So the impact of this on me was simply a huge sigh of relief, understanding that what I feel would be right for me is actually just part of my nature. I'm not crazy to want to be in love all the time. I'm not crazy to not want a lifelong partner. Serial Monogamy is the 'technical' anthropological term. This is how I could definitely live.

Midnight Ramblings

Rob and Co-Worker
I have been thinking about Rob a lot. Ok that's nothing new really is it.
He was on holiday here in the country where I live but he was not answering his texts, only communicating via email for a week. It didn't change much, but there was no chance that I'd see him online that week. We go weeks without seeing each other online but at least we make an attempt, send texts seeing if the other is online.
It was a week where he was sort of out of sight out of mind. I did think about him considering the quantity of snow that has fallen on this part of Europe, wondering if he'd get out of the country ok, flights and such. But other than that I wasn't really thinking about him. That is until yesterday. He texted me in the afternoon with his usual "On" text, meaning that he was on Skype. Bf was home and there was no hope of me getting on.
But it put a HUGE smile on my face. Just the knowledge that he wanted to see me the day after he got back. It meant a lot to me, even if it may seem insignificant.

When I go to bed my mind starts to whirr, it's the anxiety that I have to live with in the evenings. My mind seems to go on a thinking rampage just about every evening. Some nights are worse than others. Last night was bad. It was all reasoning on Rob and Co-worker. I realized last night that I hadn't thought of Co-worker at all in the past few months, not sexually anyhow. I have thought about him in terms of wondering what he's up to, and trying to figure things out but I hadn't really thought of the trip to Corfu. But just as I was thinking about how I hadn't thought of all of that for months, the memories came flooding back. It was somewhat agonizing.

my mind wandered to thoughts of us in bed, that morning, my leg grazing his hard cock, him in just his red boxer-briefs, me in my panties and tank top. His groan as my leg grazed him, my groan and moving my leg away to another position.
But then I pushed the idea out of my head. Trying to concentrate on Rob, something more understandable, comfortable happier.

I had an odd dream about Rob the night before last. We were having sex here in my own apartment, when a girl that I barely know, a girl I worked with briefly, came crawling through my window. It was awkward and I didn't know how to explain the situation to her. I woke up though with images of a naked Rob running through my mind :)

Fetishes and TV series.
We have been snowed in here during the past week. I have been working very little. Many of my students cancelled on me since the schools are closed and streets too icy to drive on. But I managed to get a little filler work helping a guy translate some psychology papers. They were interesting, Freudian analysis on fetishes. Unfortunately the guy who I was helping was a little creepy. 3 hours a day he'd come and we'd translate these papers. Then he'd stop at every new concept and explain it to me. Too bad he was a 75yr old man with greasy yellow hair and yellow teeth.

Some of the concepts were really interesting though and I might come back to them at some point.

On a totally different note, I have become completely and utterly addicted to the British Sherlock series. IT IS AMAZING. If you haven't seen it, find it and watch it now.

I don't want to go into all the details about it, that would be boring, but it is based in modern-day London. Sherlock is a handsom young (mid 30s) eccentric sociopath, Watson is a handsom young (late 30s?) ex-soldier, and then there's Moriarty, my FAVOURITE character. Yeah he's just yummy. I'm not sure whether it's his accent or what. But hmmmm yeah, yum.... I think I could dare just about anyone to watch it and not like it. It's just not possible. The sets are amazing, dialogue is brilliant, it's often funny, always intriguing, they use technology to carry out the original stories with great taste and intelligence.... and the list goes on.

Forgetting

I don't actually remember the last time I french kissed the bf.

He tried to seduce me this morning. I was getting up for work at 7:30am.
It kinda annoyed me, I'm home every morning, I get up late, on every other morning and he chooses the morning I get up at 7:30?

Ugh....