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Ok so I made it back to my birth town with bf. Forgive me for any typos as I am writing from my new iPhone. I did say I'd get one. Yay!
The trip has been going better than expected. Bf has been behaving mostly well. I got to see my grandma and my sister, bf is not my sister's biggest fan but he isn't causing too much difficulty. I just know that things could be easier with a native English speaker. Or at least if bf could speak English.
I will update again soon I hope. I am missing the blog world a lot.

New York

How long have we been away for? 4 days?.... yeah well we already got into a massive argument. Things started out ok, we even had sex on our first night in NY but heck... this is not good.

I don't get it. We were under some stress because we got off to a bad start here, the people who were supposed to host us backed out at the last minute... like 11pm on the night before we were leaving home. And luckily they got us a hotel but only for 3 nights and we had to find our own hotel for the rest. We got screwed over by an internet company for hotel bookings, and so there was a stupid, who's to blame game going on yesterday. I was right... bf recognized that afterwards, but in the meantime he told me that I was "completely crazy" and that I should be in a loonie bin. Which I got upset about because I didn't think it was necessary to use insults.

Then our friends took us out to do some sightseeng and were asking him questions about what he wanted to do and see, and he honestly hadn't looked into anything before coming here so he didn't really have any answers. But they kept suggesting things. I was translating everything of course, and they kept asking him questions about what he wanted to do and then he blew up at me saying that why don't I tell them what I want to do he obviously hadn't understood the situation... it was uncomfortable, because they were trying to be nice and it sounded like he was getting angry at them. So they ended up not saying much else on the topic after that.

On the up side I got an iPhone... but I don't have a sim card for it yet so sadly I can't use it.

We have another three days here, we'll see how it goes.

Puzzle solved?

I've had a little opportunity to think in the past day or so. And I may have figured the whole thing out. The whole story with Co-w is getting clearer by the day. I think that I probably knew what was going on, but I was trying to ignore it since I had just gotten back from London with Rob.

A few points first:

- What happened in Greece feels like an unfinished symphony to me. It was beautifully intense, possibly morally worse than sex and I regret not having sex with him to a degree... but not completely. It feels rather unresolved though.

- He has been dropping all sorts of strange questions on me for ages, I'm talking months now. The majority of them were in Greece though and I answered him according to my mental state at that time which was confused because of my time with Rob.

The facts: 

- He asked me if I was in love months ago (mentioned in a blog post... god only knows which one) and I said yes, but I wasn't referring to bf. He asked me again in Greece and I answered "sometimes" (referring specifically to bf this time).

- He told me about his dating mostly Tauruses and Virgos and hinting at the fact that I too am a Taurus.

- He kept insisting on the fact that we have such "a great energy together", within the same context as dating Tauruses and whether I was in love with my bf, same conversation.

- He asked me at least twice in greece (maybe another 2 times in Italy) why I had run my hands through his hair the night of the concert. Once I answered because I just wanted to, and the other because I wanted to tease him. At the second answer he got all reactive and said .... "oooh, now see, that's the kind of answer I was expecting". That second question was while we were in bed on the last night there. The first answer hadn't satisfied him.

- When talking about having sex while in Greece. He asked me quite seriously if we should, and I answered no because "it would be too easy" meaning that it was too obvious. His answer to that was "what? Would it be more challenging in the bathroom at work?" As if to say, better to do it here.

My conclusions:

I think I misread everything. I was totally convinced from the beginning that he didn't want to get into anything with me. There were two things he said that gave me that impression.

- One: at the airport when he said that he was in love with his girlfriend and that he didn't want to get into anything but adding that we were all adults and we are all capable of handling situations.

- Two: in Greece when he said that he's a bastard because he tends to lead people on without actually having a reason to.

Ok, so those are two huge statements against all the pros up top. But please tell me if I'm missing something, doesn't it sound like he's been trying to figure out whether I'd be interested enough in him to drop bf? See... all the puzzle pieces make sense to me now.

I feel like I should outright ask him. Tell him that I'm slow at understanding things. I won't of course go ask him something like that. But this feels kinda big to me. I think I knew it deep down in my gut while we were there. But I was afraid of getting more confused, making my situation worse. I probably was ignoring most signs. But I should have hashed it out directly with him there rather than ignore things and try to piece them together later.

I think his last comment, the one about "going to hell" was that he now feels like I've been leading him on.
And my text saying that I miss him probably confused him, making him think that I'm in love with him. Which is why he told me not to send that kind of message anymore.

I am slow at this kind of thing... I feel kinda dumb really in a certain sense... it seems rather obvious. But on the other I still have my doubts. Huge ones.

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I leave for NY tomorrow. I haven't been feeling well, perhaps due to all this thinking. I've been getting minor panic attacks, a three day headache and an upset tummy.
I dreamt about co-w early this morning and woke up feeling unsettled, he had sent me three emails that I wanted to read. I woke up before I could see them. I was sure there would be a love letter among them, admitting all his love for me. I can't get him out of my head and I was tempted to text him today telling him to get out of my head. I still have 2.5 hours before he gets off work... I could still do that. But it's probably not such a good idea.

I will be travelling for 50 days and I don't know how often I'll be able to update. There are portions of our trip where we won't have internet, and other portions where we will have unlimited access. Please forgive my absence!

random thoughts

I just realized that if I put my birth date in my profile I don't actually have to update it every year.

*brought to you by one sentence posts, like on Facebook*

Go to hell.... or something.

Something happened at work today that has me thinking. It's something that normally wouldn't have me thinking but after Greece things have changed.

The background you'll need is this:
While in Greece Co-worker would often tell me to "go to hell" (which translated correctly should be more like a "fuck you" in English, but the closest easiest translation is go to hell) in a nice friendly joking way. I think he used it when he would get frustrated or turned on by me in general. It generally went like this:  "Cande..... go to hell" followed by a smile, and then I would let some time pass and I would say "Co-Worker.... go to hell" and smile. One rather important episode was the night before we slept together when I was tempted to stay in his room, and he sent me to mine. I reluctantly left, came back for the bottle of water where he grabbed me and held me there and then let me go again. When back in my room, I called to him saying "co-worker" (wait for his "yeah")... "go to hell". And he laughed and said, "yeah, you're right".

Today at work he told me to go to hell (and it wasn't the first time since we got back that he has). And I said "thanks" with a smile. And then I answered, "you too though". And his response was "I've already been... I followed you".

Now what the heck is that supposed to mean?
I'm pretty sure it has a double meaning, because after certain things he'd told me while in Greece I learned that much of what he says has a double meaning or hidden meaning. But I can't tell if he meant it in a good way or negative way.

I'm having a hard time getting him out of my brain. A really hard time. I constantly want to email him or text him or anything at all, but I always resist. It's terrible. I want to ask him about music that he had on his ipod that I'd like to know more about, I want to borrow a cd of his to copy the music onto my ipod, but I never get the chance to ask him in person and I fear doing it via email, afraid that his gf might see it and flip.

ARG.... how frustrating.

Repost HNT

From 2009, Hold oN Tight
I really need to get back to actually TRYING to do nice HNT pics... I just have so little time.

Frenzy

The meeting with Rob today had me in a frenzy. Three orgasms and I could have gone on for 10 more. I only get like that with him. My body just doesn't want to let go of it or something. My clit gets hypersensitive and I reach a series of climaxes... It's not my usual sort of orgasm. I usually collapse and run out of steam after my quiet "alone" orgasms. These are different, they just build and keep me going.

We talked quite a bit before having any fun and he admitted that he has stopped reading my blog. He said that he didn't need to know what was going on in my head. I don't blame him. Especially since the co-worker stuff has been going on. I am a little disappointed though, I liked knowing he was reading and knowing what I thought.

He said he made a conscious decision to stop. I'm assuming it won't change, but I wouldn't put it past him to give it a peek while I'm off on my North Am trip.

When I don't see him for a while I forget what it's like getting off with him... I mean that I can almost do without it. But once I get a taste of it I just want more and more. I know I've said it a million times before, but I love the look he gets on his face when he watches me. I love watching his face after and during and the whole time. Today he got his cock out during my second round and came with me, he's on his iPhone so it's awkward for him to hold and the line went down by mistake just as he came. I continued onto my third orgasm and then he called back half way through that and just watched me, then he ordered me to stop touching, otherwise I'd have gone on for another 10 rounds.

I was looking through some old HNTs today too. I really need to get back into doing some good ones... Perhaps I should repost some for those who are new here... although I'm not sure how many "new" readers I have out there.... Anyhow I think I will repost. I have a favourite :)