Awakenings

I'm not entirely conscious when I feel your fingers graze my pussy. A light touch over my clit, just enough pressure to send shivers down my legs, to ease me into consciousness and to make me stretch, open my legs and raise my hands over my head. You have filled me before, and you fill me again with your finger, taking up rhythm while your other hand takes hold of both of mine. Holding hands like children on the school ground. Your head leaning on your arm, watching me, following my eyes, interested in my reactions as I savour every sensation.

You work me until I'm almost ready, starting with one, easing a second one, I'm ready for a third but you stop.  Your hand moves to my mouth, shoving them in, I can taste myself on your fingers. The mix of different salts, my body and yours, dissected by my brain analyzing who is who. Your fingers dive in deep, the other hand tightens it's grip on my wrists as you sit up next to me.

No words, nothing is said. Your hand moves swiftly to my throat, my jaw, my hands held tight against my pillow, and your cock glides easily into my mouth. I can feel your pulse, I can feel you fill my passage, I can't breathe, but I don't need to, you are my air today. My brain recognizes this flavor as you and I want all of you, as deep as you can go. You move to a rhythm that I can hear in my mind, moving in and then pulling out, moving deeper and pulling out. Deeper and longer, letting me catch my breath, then deeper again.

I can feel you're ready, your hand shifts unconsciously to the back of my head and you force me down hard. I can feel you cum, hot, down the back of my throat, and you release me. You are not done though, there's more, on my lips, down my chin, over my cheeks. I am drenched.

Bf's Fb Rant (gotta love those acronyms I have)

I'm tired. No, exhausted

My blood pressure is at 96/58. When I got out of bed this morning I almost passed out. 96/58 was after lunch and after a cup of black tea.

I had a long involved relatively calm conversation with bf yesterday. I could be emotionally and mentally worn out I suppose. The conversation was relatively one sided for the first half while bf more or less went off on the facebook subject. He thinks I'm addicted and losing sight of reality. Fact is fb is my cover. I keep it up so that if I'm writing my blog entry or browsing blogs or my stat counter he can't see those. I've started keeping my headphones on and youtube up now too but he concentrates on fb.

The stupid television talks about fb addictions. What I tried to explain to him is that I go through periods when I'm not feeling social, when I'd rather not do things with other people, when I just want to climb into my shell and be a hermit crab. He doesn't understand that. He's an extremely social person and would love to have people in the house 24/7. I like being social, but I LOVE my space. I love spending time on my own, listening to music, hanging out on the internet, painting, reading a book, drawing or playing stupid video games. There are moments when I can't stand being in the house and other times when I can't stand being with people.

He went off on tangents about what fb is and what it does to you and well, fact is that he doesn't have a fb page and has no idea how it works. I patiently listened to him, told him that certain things that he'd said were right while others were wrong and I proceeded to show him my fb profile and whatever else was on the wall.

The point though is that he sees things from the wrong angle. He sees me engrossed in fb thinking that it's the fb that's keeping me there, rather than think that there's something wrong at home that pushes me to isolate myself.

I sort of told him that. I told him that he was looking at it from the wrong angle. I think, though, that I will try to explain that better to him.

I keep cycling through the same motions and thoughts and feelings. I don't see any solutions other than getting my own place. I can't keep cycling through like this. I need a solution. I need that push though to do it. Take the step, the leap of faith... get the courage or whatever other cliche you want to use. It's too bad bf isn't in favour of me getting my own place. He'd be the perfect motivator. He's good at convincing me to do things.

Angry and frustrated and Ugh... when will I stop complaining?

There are days where I have a million and one doubts about my relationship with rob.
Fact is that when I'm with him those doubts vanish. It's just anxious insecurities. But they are there, and since he doesn't talk much and because I'm not with him they heighten. They vanish when I can see his face, his eyes... they dissipate. His actions speak a world of information, but without that my anxieties take over much too easily.

The last time we hooked up online he kept telling me how beautiful I was, how radiant. It made me blush. I need to keep moments like that in mind when my insecurities take over. But it's really hard... really, really hard for me to do that while I feel like I'm being avoided (even though my logical mind and even facts tell me it's (probably) not the case.... see my mind what it does?! It puts doubts where there shouldn't be any).

I am in a constant state of anxiety these days. Today is one of those days where I feel really determined to get out of my situation with bf. I actually get angry and motivated. The anger pushes me in directions. The thoughts never really leave my mind ever, they just become more subdued when I'm not angry or anxious.

Right now though, my anxiety and anger are both high and I just don't want to have anything to do with living with someone, or have anything to do with men in general for that matter. I just feel like running around like a mad woman screaming her head off... I guess I'm also frustrated.

Happenings and my brain:

-I've done more on my bubble painting.
-I've been on chatroulette
-A few days ago I met a cute guy (on chatroulette) in the process of direly trying to distract myself from going insane.
-We played games. Like I used to do. It was fun. We laughed a lot.
-My fucked up mind won't shut off.
-I regret not sleeping with Co-worker.
-I think about that more often than I should.
-I contemplate cutting internet off my phone on occasion.
-I feel like I'm going to lose it completely at times.

on a side note:

Two of the blogs I was following have shut down. I've taken them off my reading list. I don't have much left of the blog circle that I had when I started this blog. I'm used to that, things change quickly here and well, I guess I just need to let go and maybe find a new circle.... or let them find me.

Melancholia

It's strange how it seeps in. You don't expect it really. It just sort of makes its way into being, kind of like a sponge soaking up ink. The bubbles and holes slowly filling with that creeping insidious blackness.
Sometimes it's a song that triggers it. Sometimes it's just a blank page. Sometimes it's a voice or a lack thereof. Often it's a dangerous cocktail.
The soul then indulges, it delves deeper, soaking it up faster. A soul greedy for melancholy, feeding itself like a hot ember igniting with a light breeze.

Unfinished Insidious Bubbles.

I've been hiding in my art these days. Melancholia is prolific. I've painted three paintings and I'm working on another inspired by this post (pictured above). They are relatively large watercolours.

All I want to do is paint these days. I have ideas... lots of ideas, and to think that I didn't have any at all when I did my first painting. They came rushing at me like a tsunami in full force. The bubbles are possibly going to be a series... I want to play with different combinations of colours and textures, inside and outside of the bubbles. It's funny too, the bubbles painting came after I had started this post. I had a clear image in my head of that sponge sopping up ink and I went to look for an image on google, but didn't find one. It became a necessity to create that image. I quite like it as it is now, but I'm going to give some of the bubbles some texture, maybe even some colour.

Weaving dreams and weight issues?

I am in a weird headspace. It started after my nap today.
Maybe I'm just tired... I'm probably just tired. I went on a massive tour, taking some friends of mine who were here for the day yesterday, to every major monument in my home town in the morning then a 2 hour drive to one of the most famous cities in the world until 10pm and didn't get home until 1 am when I had a shower, said my goodbyes and then collapsed on my bed just to get up at 7 am to go to work.

I worked all morning and then had a 2 hour lesson this afternoon flopped back onto the bed in the scorching heat and fell asleep. I woke up sweaty and hot, horny, wanting cock in my mouth, not anyone's cock, no, just Rob's cock. I wearily got my phone and looked up blowjobs on youporn and promptly got myself off in a half slumber.

The weird thing is that my dreams were layered. They often are. My dreams don't seem to be linear. They layer one thing upon another. My brain seems to be computing more than one thing at once. So my thoughts of Rob and his cock were overlapped with thoughts of artwork, artspace, a studio, practical things.... both sets of images running through my mind at the same time, weaving in and out of each other.

Often I can distinguish a solid train of thought, other times they get terribly confused and interwoven.

As much as I'd like to complain about how much I miss Rob I think I'll stay off that topic. It does contribute to my mood though. This weekend is going to be rough. I think I'll just try to get to the beach as much as possible... just to keep my mind off things. Take my book, sunscreen, beach towel, get on the bus, make eye contact with cute guys at the beach and flirt a little.

I think another part of my mood is based on the strange fact that I've actually gained weight.

I'm thin, I've always been thin. The heaviest I've been is 110 pounds when I was 16. For the past 14 years I've been under 106lbs and while that my seem like an anorexic weight, it's my natural balance.
Three weeks ago I went to put on a pair of trousers that I wore easily last year. When I tried them on, I fit into them but they were slightly tight in the hips. Yesterday I tried on the same pair (only three weeks later) and I couldn't get them on. People have told me that I look like I've gained a little weight and that usually makes me happy, but when I can't wear the clothes I've always worn it frustrates me.

I decided to weigh myself and sure enough I've gained a fair amount of weight for someone who rarely puts on or loses more than 2 pounds in a year. I now weigh 112 lbs. Ok, so that seems like nothing to most people and they are probably right, but when a person my size puts on 6 lbs and can't fit into their jeans it feels like a lot. I guess it is a lot if you think of it in terms of percentage compared to average body weight (don't ask me to do the math on that though... ).

So while I'm somewhat happy to have gained a little weight, I'm also a little worried that I'm going to continue to gain. I get the feeling it has something to do with my new meds so I may have to return to the specialist to see what he says.

My body type is generally lean and relatively thin, I highly doubt my body structure would be able to handle gaining much weight without complications. I'm already having circulation problems that I've rarely had in the past, like my feet, legs and hands swelling in the heat.

Who knows though. Maybe I'm just changing.... maybe it's just my age...

Internet Hibernation and Delectable Stories.

I've been terrible with internet lately...  I haven't been on much at all. I'm reading a pretty decent book. I can't say it's quite literature but it's an easy summer read. I'm reading Under the Dome by Stephen King. I have read a few of his things and I've almost always liked them, but my favourite book of his is the Four Seasons with the 'Shawshank Redemption' story and the 'Stand by Me' story.

I'll be heading on holiday for part of August. The summer seems to be just slipping by so fast. There are things that I'd like to get done for September but we're almost in August and I still haven't gotten them done... It's been so hot here that I've been hiding from the heat, and in the meantime I've missed summer.

I've only been to the beach once since summer started, yeah my tan is coming along anyhow because I ride my bike to work and never use any sunscreen for the 10 minute ride...

Rob
I haven't been in touch with almost anyone online in these past few weeks, even Rob. It feels like weeks since I saw him... I think it was actually just over a week ago that I saw him for a late night 'session' as he calls it.
I went through my diary yesterday, I read everything there and I almost burst into tears at certain parts. There are things that will be etched onto my brain forever. It was one of those mushy emotional moments us women have, where I was reading, almost in tears and then giggling with tears in my eyes over the funny things.
It was nice. It made me miss him even more and quite seriously it made me contemplate going to see him asap. But I can't, it's too soon and well... bf would get suspicious. Even thinking about it now makes me want to check flight prices, and think... maybe I could invent some trip to france and then take a train to the UK.... that would fool the bf... maybe....

The Italian
I have, just in the past few days, got back in touch with the Italian. He sent me an absolutely delectable story, he has sent me two parts so far. It's written in wonderful Italian and it was so beautiful and sensual that I will need to re-read it. I'm not a huge fan of reading in Italian but this made me love every word and I want to dissect it to understand and capture every subtlety, which there are many.

We caught up for a bit on Skype. It was nice to catch up, just to chat and it is true that there is a certain nonchalance with him. We are comfortable just chatting to each other about whatever. He worries me though sometimes. He rarely has enough work, he's constantly strapped for cash, he's got way too many problems at home (we rarely talk about those they seem to be too complicated and stressful to bring up), and he now seems to have some health issues that worry him and now me. I told him to get to a doctor the next time he had a chance... but who knows when that will be. He's lost a lot of weight since I first met him, which was probably 2 or maybe 3 years ago now... so I continue to worry.

The only reason that he managed to reach me in my internet hibernation period is because he contacts me through an old Youtube account I have... strangely... I'm not even sure how that happened. But the emails come to my regular mail for that and not my "second life" email account.

While I'm on holiday I will probably not be posting unless I manage to get some scheduled posts up... I can try... maybe I can write something.... maybe I could translate the Italian story if he agrees that I translate it. We'll see... I have a few ideas. No promising anything though as my week is hectic.

I Dream of Transexuals?

I've been having weird dreams lately... ok so I always have weird dreams.

Night before last was sex with a transexual. Is that the PC term for a guy with a boob job? She was beautiful, but she had a penis and yes we had sex. I'm not sure where it came from but it didn't and doesn't bother me one bit. I admit that it's odd, especially because I'm not attracted to transexuals, but I was neither put off by the dream nor turned on by it... it just happened.

Last night's dream was more symbolic and has quite a bit of emotional weight. I was organizing a secret week-long vacation with Co-Worker. When the importance of what I was doing hit me I decided that I needed to move out of the apartment with bf so I started packing all of my things. I think that Co-W persuaded me to do it, yet he was not doing the same himself.

In real life:
I needed to talk to Co-W the other day while he was in our little bathroom/supply room at work so I popped my head in and then slid in beside the door. I realized immediately how easy it would be to close the door and walk over to him and do something. My clit tingled a little to let me know it was there but I kept my concentration on work, the conversation ended and I was out again.

My thoughts wander there in the evening before I fall asleep though. I can't help it.

I have been a good girl these days, although I've been busy. I've had only brief emails with Rob and we haven't had time to meet up this week. I'm not sure next will be any easier but I do miss him and I think of him constantly. I check my emails a few times a day to see if he's written me anything... it's like the mail and waiting for the mailman to ring the bell, it's anticipation. It's Thursday today I doubt I'll hear from him before Monday next week. But I do have hopes....