This....

THIS
is so great.

Co-W is even hotter.

Back at work last week I was looking forward to seeing Co-W but alas he was down with a nasty flu. Today, Monday I knew he'd be in though. Fact is I wasn't expecting to see what I saw.

He shaved.
After knowing him for what must be around 12 years with a beard he shaved it. He always had this scraggly blond thing, I've never seen him without it and I'm not a beard kinda girl, especially scraggly ones. I had no idea what he really looked like under it either.

Today... today ladies and gents, I finally saw and man oh man was it ever good. I had a hard time keeping a smile off my face today. Holy cow. He had his hair looking good too, a little wavy, a little suave... clean shaven.... and I could actually see his expressions, his mouth and his smile and the irony that I often miss.

The new girl who works with us was also smiling uncontrollably today, possibly for the same reason. He was looking damn hot.

Sometimes I wonder if good looking guys grow beards to tone down the attraction and attention they get. I kinda get that, if it were the case. I know a lot of really hot guys who grow beards and they end up looking average after. It makes sense. But I don't know that it's the case. It's like a really good looking girl dressing down all the time, because if she dresses up she gets way too much attention.

Anyhow.... needless to say I wanted to jump him even more. I hope it lasts. I might even ask him not to grow it back... though I'm sure he won't listen to me.

Connected

If it's connections we need in order to feel good and technology makes us feel connected we are going to continue to isolate ourselves more and more by getting closer to technology. Technology provides what we could consider a false sense of connection. However, I do believe there is a lot of room for discussion on whether or not we actually are "connected" in the correct (human) sense of the term.

Today's technology (social networks especially) makes us feel loved. We connect in a 90% positive way. There is very little negativity in the technology we consume and we can adapt our technology to meet our needs. We can create a self contained environment of self satisfaction that is as close as we're going to get to sex without actually having any. It's like chocolate without the calories and drugs without the cold sweats and the shakes. We decide who should be present and who less so. We can artificially control the levels of happiness, love, laughs, warmth, news and gossip we receive.

It's a very dangerous cocktail of false happiness that we are consuming. Real life feels less good: we have less control over it, less say in what happens and therefore we are less pleased with the results.

When we don't get the attention we need from our social networks then we turn to another source. When one of our online friends isn't present we turn to the next. We have backup plans for when one source is gone.

There are two sides to the coin, as usual. The connections are really there. They exist, they are real people that have real reactions and lives. They mean something to us and us to them. Moments and feelings are exchanged.

The risk is that we lose touch with what life is supposed to feel like; that life has it's downs, and it's only from the downs that you can figure out what is good. If everything is 'good', and adrenaline is the 'really good', then the 'good' is going to start feeling like 'bad' and the adrenaline won't be enough.

*My views on this are pretty mixed, I wrote this because it's a point of view that I can see. It feels like a premonition rather than a reality. It is a piece of semi-fictional writing, it is not my exact view of things right now but I can easily see it going there.... I guess what I'm trying to say is that many things are very true for me but it's not quite this dire... or maybe it is and I'm just a tech addict with a moment of clarity.*

Trust (or my lack thereof)

While spending time with my dad I came to realise a few things.
First of all I've mentioned I live away from my native country, so does my dad, so does my sister. Basically I have no-one left back at home except from some cousins and friends I would call family.
I don't see my dad very often, the last time I saw him was about 3 years ago, and we've gone 7 years without seeing each other except on skype.
During our recent time together he did things that were mildly annoying. Things that if the bf had done them I'd have had a hissy-fit. And they seemingly didn't bother me at all. I laughed about them.

Now I ask whether my non reaction was due to the fact that:
A) He's my father and I rarely see him?
B) Money is always the issue with bf and with my dad it was not an issue?
C) or perhaps, as I may suspect, that I have issues with trusting men and he seems to be the only one I really trust.
D) All of the above (most likely answer)

It's something that's been tickling the back of my mind since I got home. The bf constantly says it, he says that I never take what he says with any value and even I have noticed my aversion to his advice and his suggestions, whereas he says that if my dad tells me, it's like gold to me. It's precious and I'll be damned if someone says it's not true.

Is everyone like that with their parents? 

I had a bad experience with both an ex boyfriend cheating on me and the bf who was hiding a sim card with a bunch of telephone numbers on it of women, text messages and such. It was a very long time ago, but I never trusted the bf after that.

Does the fact that my mother cheated on my father make me project my fears onto my partner and have a lack of trust in the guys I see?

I imagine it's a combination of everything.

I wonder if this is what my main problem is in relationships. I wonder if I have any way of working on this. How do you get over a very general lack of trust in men??

Paris

So I'm sitting in Charles de Gaule airport leaving Paris after having spent 5 days with my dad here. A recurrent thought has been going through my head since I got here on Monday though. 

Rob and I were toying with the idea of meeting here on this trip. We talked about it at one point earlier this year, he was going to park and catch a train and I was going to stay a few extra days. 

I've been before. It was last year, on my last trip to see Rob. This time all I could notice were the lovers though. Hundreds of them. They say Paris is the most romantic city, the city of love. The first time I came I didn't see it, this time though it was all I could see. I wanted Rob there with me. I wanted to sit on the banks of the river Seine and kiss him, have champagne and crèpes Suzette with a view of Notre Dame at night together and visit the Musée D'Orsay and stand in front of my favourite paintings with him. (I know romantic/syrupy sweet overload... Sorry... I'm not usually this obviously sugary.)

Some part of me even wanted him to meet my dad. Fact is my dad and the bf can't really communicate as the bf doesn't speak English. It's something that doesn't bother anyone (except perhaps the bf), me included but sometimes I feel like it would be nice for my dad to interact properly with my partner. 

**On a seperate, side note re. my last post**

The evening ended well. Drinks with the co-w and his friend, old lover and myself all at the same table. They told stories of school together and old lover flirted incessantly with me while co-w less so, though he did sit next to me, keeping old lover at a more comfortable distance thankfully. 

We said our goodbyes and I walked home but soon after got many text messages from old lover insisting I come with him to another quieter bar for more drinks, when I told him I wasn't feeling up to it and that I was heading to bed he continued with more texts that I didn't receive because I had bid him a second good night and turned the phone off. 

Once awake, the next morning, I read them and one was asking for a hug. I imagine he wanted it that night but I pretended he just wanted a virtual one and sent a text saying 'hugs' back. I deleted the messages and haven't heard since... He's back home now mind you. 

So this is about to happen

I'm going to be at an art opening that I was invited to by my Ex-Lover who I met today for coffee (he now lives in N.America and is visiting). He HEAVILY hinted at wanting to get me in bed, asking if he could come back to mine or if I wanted to stop at his hotel. I politely declined. I have no feelings for the man whatsoever apart from friendship.

I got a text ten minutes ago from co-worker who knows Ex-Lover asking if I'd be going to the opening as he and his friend were going to be there.

it's at 9.... that's in 45 minutes.

**Ex-Lover story in brief for those who don't know... which is most, I'm sure.
When I first started working where I work he was my co-worker. We had a lot in common but I was living with the bf already at that point. He was single and we had a fling that lasted a short while. He eventually met an American girl and got swept off his feet to the States where he now lives with her and their two kids. I wasn't much into him after the first intense bit... he was pushy and I remember a couple unfortunate events. One in particular where I hadn't agreed to having sex and he went ahead with it anyhow. I did assert a couple nos and it wasn't fun. It was my only experience with a date rape situation... it wasn't as bad as you might think, I kinda gave up I guess. It felt rather horrible after, but I got over it very quickly. Despite that episode I still consider him a friend.

I'm curious to see how things will go this eve as I'm sure I'll be flirting with co-worker.

Savage

http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2014/08/28/the-price-of-admission-dan-savage/

It's a 5 minute video on relationships. It makes me rethink what's going on with me. It makes me wonder if I've got too many 'pet peeves' on my list. I don't get what the fundamentals are. I get that chewing with your mouth open is superficial... as is the bf's annoying singing or leaving all the cupboards and drawers open all the time. I ignored those, even if sometimes it was hard to ignore...  especially the singing. But when in a group conversation, and the bf isn't making himself clear I ask him to clarify and he turns to me and says "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to Jo"...  a group conversation where other people are participating, contributing and asking questions, he singles me out and excludes me from the conversation. It's not the first time he's done it either. 

We shouldn't be keeping score cards.... a common phrase I hear about relationships, but should I ignore it? should I say something in front of his friends? should I mention it after? I get that I'm not supposed to hold a grudge, but if something makes me angry and I can't talk about it right away what do I do, just pretend it didn't happen? Maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe he was right to single me out. Maybe my saying that we didn't understand which objects he was talking about was totally out of line. Fact is it pissed me off. I found it totally disrespectful, but hey we're not supposed to keep score cards. Can't hold a grudge.

Nowadays when we're together we have nothing to talk about. There's uncomfortable silences. I don't own a tv (tv is a distraction, tv is a conversation topic). When he comes here he just sits. It's the same when we're in the car together, nothing. On holiday it's different we were doing things, talking about what to do, where to go, what to see. Most of what we say, of any importance is said over the phone now. In person, nothing is left. We have next to nothing in common.... so did I choose the wrong guy or am I just not trying hard enough to make the myth work?

Have I been brought up too deeply on the false belief in a soulmate? My ideals too unrealistic. My standards too impossibly high?

Maybe my mother contributed to this, always disagreeing with my choice in guys to date, always saying, "he's not intelligent enough" or "he'll never have a decent job".... maybe that got engrained and now I have to live with the idea that I need a super intelligent wholesome guy with a good job. 

This talk made me wonder about Rob too. I know that I idealise him. I know that I've fallen in love with a myth. But how disillusioned am I? How far am I off the marker? It all comes down to images and what mask we put forward. How we see ourselves and how others see us. 

I really, honestly wonder if being with someone else would make any difference. Maybe I've been in this too long and I can't see past the end of my nose.

This went a bit further than I was expecting, apologies for the (incoherent) rant... it's late, I needed to get some ideas out... without over editing myself.