Sex Was Had

Oh yes... This morning. It felt like I was getting fucked by a monster cock... though bf is perfectly normal in size, if not a little on the small side. It had been way too long and I forgot what it felt like or something.

I didn't cum... I actually faked it for the first time ever I think... I'm not actually sure why, probably to give him the go ahead to cum. I could tell he was having a hard time holding off. I hate faking an orgasm, I generally think that I'm terrible at it or that he'll figure it out or something but he didn't seem to notice.

I'm wondering though whether it is possible to tell if a woman fakes it or not. I was thinking about it as it was happening, I paid attention to the muscles in my body and how they were different to a real orgasm. I think the legs would be the easiest giveaway. I think the muscles in our legs contract and tighten involuntarily. It's the whole "toe curling" thing... our toes don't necessarily curl, but our legs do go quite stiff, our feet probably point or pull up... in one direction or another.

One thing though that is incredible with bf is that he somehow just knows what I want and how... he's telepathic during sex. Today he put his hand around my throat and squeezed ever so slightly. He never does that. He may have done it once before, and if he did I was surprised the last time too. It's something that I realized I liked after seeing Rob... How on earth the bf just knows these things is beyond me.

<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> 

So bf and I watched the film 'Closer' the other night. It was frustrating because I was supposed to meet Rob online. Bf had gone out for a drink with a friend came home and joined me on the couch. I was hoping he'd head straight to bed, but he didn't. Then I hoped he'd fall asleep on the couch, but that didn't happen either. He was riveted by the film. 

It's a film with Julia Roberts, Clive Owen, Jude Law and Natalie Portman. It's this crazy love square between the four of them, that just gets worse and worse. It ends on a rather depressing note. Fact is that it was slightly uncomfortable to watch together. I kept wondering why he was so glued to it. He falls asleep during EVERY film we watch together and he didn't during this one. 

As a friend said, maybe it was just because he liked watching Natalie Portman as a stripper (yes she plays a stripper).

But it does make me wonder whether he has been having an affair. For the past 4 months or so, bf has been shaving, or at least trimming down there. This is totally new for him. We've been together for almost 15 years and he starts trimming when we're not having sex? hmm makes me wonder. Better late than never though... lol I prefer it trimmed, if I have to give head especially.

Anyhow, I'm not worried or jealous (at least not yet). I may even feel slightly relieved if it were the case. It would take the pressure off me later when I manage to find a place. I guess I'll understand better when things get moving in that direction.

                                   <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> 

I wanted to thank everyone for such kind words about the HNT pics, you guys are the best. I also wanted to welcome a couple new commenters. Thanks for stopping by! I had a lot of traffic yesterday, so it was also nice to see that there were a lot of lurkers. 

If you couldn't find the third pic it was in the last ! mark after the HNTversary in the text above the picture. 

HNT is back!!! (temporarily)

Happy HNTVERSARY!!!

Check out Osbasso's page to see who else is up for this anniversary! You'll find everyone in the comments of his last post.

**Oh yeah there are three pics ;) **

Merry Christmas....or something.

Co-Worker
I went into work today to give everyone they're little xmas gifts that I made. Co-worker was there of course and when he came in he barely said hi. He doesn't get along with one of the women I work with, and since I was talking to her I assumed it was for that reason.

We exchanged our gifts, got paid, and talked a little about our work situation for the new year and our boss decided to take us all to the cafe and to get pastries and coffee.

On our walk there Co-W came up right next to me hooked his arm around mine and proceeded to ask me how my dad was.

I can't even remember if I'd written it here or not but my dad has prostate cancer.

I'd mentioned it to Co-W briefly, months ago, and it was never brought up again. It was super sweet of him to ask though, or even remember for that matter. I told him that things were great, my dad's PSA levels are down more than the last test and are within the "low limit" now.

I asked him how his gf was getting on with the pregnancy, he was all enthusiastic about how they did a pre-partum course and got showed all sorts of cool stuff. He was so happy to talk about it. It was nice to see him so ecstatic.

I am really glad that we had the 4 minute conversation and contact. I feel really good about our friendship, I wouldn't want to lose it.

BF
I have left Bf's gift to the last minute. I couldn't figure out what to get. I finally opted for a couple rounds on a race track with a Ferrari or a Porsche. I'm not buying it but I will print it up and give it to him. If he doesn't like the idea we can pick something else. I'm hoping he'll say yes and we could make a sort of weekend of it and I'd pay for a night or two in a nice hotel, maybe with a spa, his birthday is in Jan too so I always have to double the gifts around this time of year....

I'm not really into the Christmas mood, yesterday was hellish... but I think things are looking up. I just need to remember to just relax and enjoy things, try not to stress myself out about everything.

Right.... As for everyone else MERRY CHRISTMAS or whatever other festivity you celebrate and if not enjoy the free time you'll have to yourself during the holidays, I know I will!

Hugs to all... and yes I'll be around during the festivities. Plus there's an HNT comeback so expect me to be up for that!

XOXOXO

A Smile

I actually burst into laughter yesterday as I passed by Office Guy's window. He moved a whole foot and a half to watch me pass and this time with a smile. His first one. He finally got his timing right. The only thing is that he closes his blinds too early in the afternoon so when I walk by after my lessons he's  hiding behind his blinds. Or maybe he doesn't work in the afternoons, maybe he only works part time.

I'm a little worried he's going to try to talk to me at some point.

Leading Him On.

Before I start the usual update, are there any strippers/prostitutes/escorts with a stable relationship reading this blog? I may have an email that could interest you. Do you know someone who fits this description, another blogger maybe? Could be a scam, but it seems there's a tv crew looking for candidates for a docu-series. They pay to film you in your relationship. They're looking for loving relationships that work even if one partner has a 'different' lifestyle.  If you're interested let me know I'll pass the info along.

It's funny how things go. The name of the my blog diary when I first started was "secret diary of an online stripper" and so I often get emails like this just because of the name. It's still the URL.

                                                <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>

So I walk past the Office guy every Wednesday morning and today, like every other wednesday he was sitting in his fish tank window. The window is quite big, but it also has a large blind covering it so I can't actually see into most of the window. He used to keep the blind shut, he started keeping it open about 2 months ago but only partially, only enough to see his chair and part of his desk.

This morning, when I walked by, I turned my head to look at him, smiled and kept walking and he moved his body to continue to watch me. He doesn't smile, he always looks kinda surprised, which is fair I guess. I know I'll be walking past him but he doesn't know when I'll be coming by.

On my way back home I walk past again, but by the time I do, he's either on lunch or in a meeting. He has never been at his desk when I walk past after my lesson but his blind had been opened twice as much as before.

It's fun but I admit that it's not exactly fair of me. I'm leading him on, poor guy. I'm making it look like I'm interested when I'm just having fun with it. Sure, he's cute, he's probably a bit younger than me too... I'm guessing a couple years younger than me, but if he ever gets it into his head that he wants to find out more about me, or if he decides that he wants to talk to me I'll end up in trouble. Especially this close to home.

Maybe I should lay off going past his window when I can avoid it. I have been making an effort to go past, but I could often avoid it....

<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> 

One of my student groups is a group of women in their 60s. We got to talking about a friend of mine who was in a terrible relationship here and ran back to her home country to get away from him.

We ended up talking about relationships in general and one of the women happened to mention that when she and her husband retired, they really had a rough time with it because being around each other 24/7 is frustrating. You see everything that person does and you nit pick about it. She said something wise, she said that both partners have to find their own space and time, and if you don't, you'll end up ruining the relationship. I knew this already, it's not the first time I've said it myself but hearing it from someone who has been with her husband for 40 years makes all the difference. When I talked about getting my own place all the ladies agreed that it was a good solution.

This was the last lesson before the holidays and as we left and said our goodbyes they paid me all sorts of compliments about my teaching abilities. It was sweet, to the point that I was moved.

When I got home though my happiness dissolved into frustration at seeing the bf glued to his computer, as he has been for the past 2 months. He's doing an English course online but to tell you the truth he spends 6 hours a day in front of it and when he's not doing that, he's watching something or doing other things on the computer. I can't complain. I'm not allowed because he has always nagged me about spending too much time on the computer. But it does frustrate me to no end. It seems like he doesn't do anything productive whatsoever. I don't see the progress because the English is all written and reading, he still can't speak and he doesn't try with me at all. To boot he actually finished the course and just recently started it again... yes people he's doing it over. Whatever... I can't say anything, I'm an English teacher, I'm the first one to say that everything counts but I just can't get my head around this.

Winded

Yesterday was pretty relaxed, spent on the couch making Christmas gifts while I watched movies.

I was just minding my own business when I heard a song on the movie The Big Chill that knocked the wind out of me. It wasn't the song that did it, it was the thoughts that followed it.

I don't easily get winded like that. It was a good winded. Butterflies in my stomach winded... But my stomach jumped into my throat, like a roller-coaster ride or like some cat was going after the butterflies. It made me mutter 'fuck'. It wasn't really anything new too, it was something Rob said to me last time we met up online. But I've thought about it more than once and not had this reaction. This just caught me off guard or something.

<> <> <> <> <> <> <>

I still haven't had any sex with the bf, it's been months. I tried last night, but got anxious and dropped the idea after two hours of contemplating it. When it's been this long I get anxious if I have to initiate. My heart races and I feel weird.

This week will be busy, but I'm hoping to break the ice this week.... Who knows.

Free spirit.

Yesterday I had lunch with a good friend of mine. We sat for quite some time and chatted. We ended up talking about our relationships. He is going through a similar situation to mine, except his is much more complicated, involving a kid and a house. His is also worse, he doesn't love his partner anymore whereas I still need to find out.

My possible mistake was telling him I wanted to move out. He knows the bf and all our friends and he likes to talk.

In any case the nice thing is that he called me a free spirit. It was nice because it's how I often feel but didn't realize that I emit that energy, I didn't realize that others take notice. I think that people don't see it I guess. Anyway, it was a first. No-one has called me that before...

Office guy

So there's this guy.

I live in a condo complex that has a set of offices at the entrance and the same company has offices across the street.

When I leave for work I basically have two choices for directions, one is towards the city centre and I don't walk past the office windows, the other I walk towards the train station and I walk past the office windows.

The guy got stationed at the office at the entrance of the condos for a while this past summer but got moved back to the ones down the street. We've kept an eye on each other. It started in summer of course, but I now make a point of walking past his window when I can.

Yesterday it looked like he almost got up from his chair to watch me walk by. I started giggling and couldn't stop smiling about it.

It's silly but I love flirting. Even though I know it won't go anywhere.

<><><><><><><>

Salty and Sweet, the Balance.

I saw Rob the other evening. It was everything I could possibly have ever wanted from an evening with him online or even a live meeting for a few hours. It was the perfect combination of talk, giggles, letting each other in on personal aspects, sex and sexual innuendo.


There are times when we get together where he takes advantage of me, of the situation. He just uses me. And there are times, like the last one, where he is completely there; 100% concentrated on me. I must have some kind of sadistic need for that though. I enjoy being used, it turns me on to no end, I fantasize about it, but it doesn't necessarily satisfy me.... Being looked after does. He definitely looked after me the other night.


He dedicated the entire evening to me, he was a complete altruist and totally unselfish. I love both. I need both. I crave both, just like I need salty and sweet foods to balance each other out. Once I have a pack of chips, I need chocolate to balance it out. Balance is absolutely key.

_______________________________

I've been so exhausted these past days. I get repetitive. I'm sure that if anyone were to go back into my archives around this time of the year you'd find the exact same words repeated every year.

I teach evening classes and I've got more private students in the afternoons this winter. They seem to be intensifying too. I've got two new groups I teach privately. I've been working my ass off. I need a vacation and the only things I can think about are finding a new place and getting back to England to see Rob neither of which seem to be on the horizon anytime terribly soon.

I've done some more apartment hunting but nothing has come up. I find it increasingly hard to look because the bf is constantly home, it's cold out, and I can't make calls while the bf is home. I can't go out without him asking where I'm going so it's hard. Sometimes I wonder whether it might just be worth getting a decent but not perfect place and then continuing my search from there. I know it would be a pain in the ass though and would rather find the right thing immediately.

The bf has picked up on my frustrations to the point that he actually mentioned he wanted to be at work on the one night I'm home from courses. He works one week-night a week (apart from Sat and Sun) and it's always a toss up whether it'll be Wed or Thurs, I teach Wed. I'd obviously love if he worked on Thursdays, but I have no say in the matter, neither does he. But I found it interesting that he mentioned it.

Christmas is getting close and I haven't done anything in terms of christmas shopping. I was planning on making my gifts this year, but I've had so little time to do it that I'm not sure what I'll end up doing. The gifts I've been planning on making take time and I just don't have much. The time I do have I end up slumped on the couch unable to do anything. Teaching really does take a toll.

In hiding

Ive been hiding from my online life in general. Real life has been busy. Ive been busy making and creating objects. I need to get a move on for Christmas gifts. I'll be making them again this year. It's not to save money, I most likely spend more on the homemade gifts than store bought ones, but because I like making personal gifts.

I made waffles today and offered some to. Rob, he accepted, and I ate them.

Mother

Sometimes I wonder whether my mother's behaviour influenced me. Maybe it's genetic. Maybe I'm wired to live my life like hers.

My mother was an artist.
She was loved by men in general. She never had a shortage of them. She married my sister's dad, got involved with my dad, got pregnant, got a divorce and remarried to my father. Years later she got involved with a man and left my dad.
From that point on she was free to see who she wanted and she had two important relationships and a friendship I suspect bordered on a relationship.

Fact is that she was always involved with men who had problems. Nothing terribly serious, nothing abusive. The last one was very OCD, the first was partially schizophrenic, although he was a musical genius. Both were musical, one was more intellectual, the other was "dumber". Strangely the dumb one was the musical genius. Think the movie Shine... Just not as good looking lol.

She died relatively alone. She had just broken things off with Mr. OCD- Intellectual probably trying to save him some heartache.

Her last wishes were to do more art.

Sometimes I wish I had that life. I long for it... When I logically look at it though, it seems very lonely and I doubt my cravings for it. This whole logic brings me to fear my getting an apartment.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not chickening out. It's just what goes on in my brain.

Apartments and short term ex boyfriends.

Well I went to see that apartment, and yet again it was not what I was looking for. It was too small. The owner did mention that he knew of something larger, a neighbour of his, but I obviously won't know anything until they let me know. I'll probably make a couple of calls this week for places I saw advertised.

Over the past while bf has been acting a little funny. I think he's trying to exert his control or power over me in a sort of round about way. He jokes but I guess we all know that jokes don't really exist. He jokingly assaults me when I get home, asking me where I've been, even if he knows I've been teaching. He does it with a smile on his face, and I smile and say that I'm not going to tell him, but honestly he does it so often that I'm pretty sure he genuinely feels some kind of shift in me. It's slight, but it's there.

I've found some freedom, I don't tell him everything about where I go or how long I'm going to be and this is his reaction.

________________________________

On a totally different note I've been contacted by another ex bf on Facebook. This one is going through a divorce. He's got two kids. We dated during my year break from here after my first year of living here. I left bf, I'd decided to go back home, my visa and flight were up so I took them and went home. During that time I dated ooh somewhere around 4 guys in one year. Bf came out to visit which is what turned the table for me and I ended up coming back here.

Anyhow this guy was a very very short fling. He was a guy I was working with. I guess we had sex, but I don't actually remember the sex. He was an odd one though, constantly horny, constantly dry humping, even while asleep. He was nice enough, but just not my type. He found me on fb a few years back and I accepted his request. Now he's been saying hi... twice now, short conversations really... but I think he needs someone to talk to. It's funny how we get attached to our past like this. Even after a really short relationship this guy still places a certain amount of importance on that it.

It's a girl...

So I dropped by work on Thursday afternoon and co-worker was there. He was in a good mood. He found out the sex if the baby, it'll be a girl.

It was like he was a bit desperate or something though. In the 10 minutes I was there he was up to his usual trickery. He came up to my face real close without reason, kneed me in the back of my leg, blew me a kiss and as I was leaving stuck his tongue out as if he was going to doglick pussy.... Now honestly, I've never seen him do that before.
What is up with all that? Best not even ask. I ignored it politely, smiled and paid little attention.

NEW ME!

Yup I've done a little remodelling. I've added a couple pages that you can see above. One is about the blog in general, the other is for people who may stumble upon the blog and think they know me.

Let me know if you have any problems regarding commenting, loading the page (if it's too slow), if your eyes get tired due to wrong colour scheme for text or anything else.

Thanks

To my readers.

I think various people get confused with my blog.
I feel the need to clarify that I write these posts as if it were a diary, most of it is instinct. Scratch that, it is a diary, full stop.

I write things as I feel them, how I feel them and as a fairly emotional woman they come out sounding intense. Don't get me wrong, they are intense in that moment but part of the reason I write them down is to see them clearly and let them go.

I may go through periods of pseudo depression, where I'm feeling weathered and down, but it doesn't mean I'm spiraling out of control.

Sometimes I write that I wish I could do this or that, or that I'm scared of taking steps or whatever, but it's just a process I need to go through to get a clearer mind.

I got confronted by Rob last night about my relationship with bf and something I'd written about wanting to understand Rob more. I guess I'd written about them in more or less the same post, but the two weren't connected.

I now wonder whether others make the same mistake of thinking that my relationship with the bf depends on the relationship with Rob. They aren't connected. My relationship with the bf would be the same with or without Rob in my life.

I need out regardless of how I feel for Rob. My relationship with Rob is a diversion to keep my mind off things at home, it's not the other way round. The situation with the bf wasn't created by the situation with Rob.

I guess Rob was worried that he was part of the problem, when in fact he's more a catalyst for my solution. He keeps my mind off things, a distraction, but at the same time he pushes me to find what is best for me, he challenges my decisions and calls me out when I try to convince myself of something that is bullshit.

As much as I am in love with Rob, I know full well there is no future in the relationship, just like I love the bf but know there is no future there unless i have my own space.

At times I find myself dreaming. I trick myself into thinking that I could move to the UK and somehow have a relationship with him, but I am fully aware that it's impossible. It's just my mind exploring the 'what ifs'. Just like my mind has explored the what ifs of having a long term relationship with Co-worker or owning/running the business I work for, all of which will never happen.

People tend to read into things more than necessary. We all hear what we want to hear and often we hear what confirms our fears or desires.
And frequently we invent fairy tales where there aren't any. Humans are strange creatures, we have difficulty seeing things for what they are.

Sex, plain and simple.

I got myself off to another x-art vid today. I liked the simplicity of this sex-line of the story. There were no fancy over-thought situations. No elaborate positions. Just sex, plain and simple. I'm not sure what to say about the movie-like beginning and ending, but to be honest it's not bad. I even felt a pang of sadness mixed with an "aww" moment for the ending. Though perhaps it plays quite a bit into the whole fact these videos are so polished. They're like little movie productions.

I like that she's not completely shaved. It gives her a more 'real' persona, more grown-up than she looks, in fact. Her breathing reminds me of myself. I often hyperventilate during sex... only kissing or something in my mouth will stop me.

I want to go home.

I haven't had sex in a couple months, maybe 3... and since I came down with the cold I've moved into the guest room. I've never moved in here. It's the first time, with the exception of when we broke up briefly. It's strange, and good at the same time. I think I'll move back into the bedroom tomorrow. But I don't really want to. It just feels right to sleep in separate rooms. I'm not sure he'd agree though.

I moved because I couldn't sleep between being stuffed up, not being able to breathe, having to blow my nose every 3 minutes and him snoring. I was so angry and frustrated that first night I just picked my pillow and blanket up and left. I had stacks of stuff on the guest bed so I had to shovel everything off but I slept soundly and very well.
I've been moving the stuff off and onto the bed every day because of my lessons, I have them in the guest room.

I got word on another apartment, which reminds me I have to answer the agency about seeing it. I'm hoping to see it next week. The hunt is still on, whether I'll find something is unknown, but I may buckle and get something sooner rather than wait for something that I really want. I'm just tired of waiting. I need space.

I often wonder if getting a place is actually going to change anything. Maybe I'll feel trapped just the same. And if I do? then what? do I keep running and get out of the country? And if I still feel funny? Which I'm sure I will since I haven't been home in 15 years, then what?
I kinda feel out of place. Lost. Like I felt when I was 10 and my parents took me away from where I'd grown up. All I wanted was to go home. I constantly have that feeling, I don't think I'll ever get rid of it though.

Mondays suck more than usual...

And not in a good way either.

I've come down with a nasty cold and yet I still had to work. *insert whining noises here* I went in to work this morning, and usually I see co-worker on Monday afternoons but alas I wasn't well enough to work this afternoon and so I shuffled home and tried to rest before working again this evening teaching English.

In my last post I said that I earned 5000 euros a month... My bad, I actually earn 5000 a year (I've corrected it now), I wish it were a year!! Lol I'd be pretty happy earning 5000 a month.
Having said that, since I am a freelance worker I don't get sick days or holiday pay either... Which is why I still go in to work in my piteous state. *insert more whining noises here*

Rob sent me a wonderful email and pic on Thursday finally fulfilling his first pic challenge. It was such a bad day Thursday and such a great thing to receive I had to take a minute to appreciate it. I sent him a nice pic and his next challenge. I'm sure it will take him a little while to sit and send me the next one, but I honestly don't mind. It's nice getting a surprise when you're least expecting it.

Did I mention that I need a holiday? someplace warm and dry would be nice. any suggestions? can't be expensive.... something dirt cheap, no rain, bonus if there's a beach and good diving/snorkeling.

Fucking Taxes

Winter is here and I already want to leave. I need a vacation. I've been stressed to the max over the last couple of weeks and I'm just not looking forward to my future here.

I opened my business number at the revenue office on Monday. That should make me happy but The day I went I had an appointment with an accountant to see whether I'd need to pay into this new tax the stupid country I live in has decided to lay on its residents.

The new law is this: Anyone living in the country who owns property outside the country must pay tax on that property as if it were in the country. The tax is 0.76% based on the value of the property.

When my mother died she left me and my sister a house. It's in a beautiful part of the country I grew up in and is worth a fair amount on the market because of the land it sits on. The cottage itself is worth somewhere around 17,000 dollars.... nothing. The land on the other hand is worth over 550,000.

Let's get this straight. I pay over 3,000 dollars in property tax back home. The country where I live now is asking me to pay 0,76% on the value and deduct the 3,000 dollars a month, leaving me with around 800 Euros to pay a year here, divide that in half (because I own half the house) and I have to pay between 400/500 dollars a year in taxes to this stupid government, a government I can't even vote in... (granted the guy at the office had his calculations right and I remember them correctly). It's not admittedly a ton of money, I can deal with it, it's the principle that pisses me off.

Let's get something else straight. I can legally make a maximum of 5000 Euros a year because of the type contracts people dish out for English teaching here.

Please tell me how I'm supposed to survive on that amount after rent, food and bills. It's lucky, so to speak, that I have my private students.

It all makes me want to go home. Today, for the first time ever I seriously contemplated moving back home. I contemplated looking at rent prices and jobs. I haven't yet, but the temptation is huge.

Frustractions

Things got crazy sooner than I thought they would. Monday was traumatic enough to leave me in a crying heap on my bed trying to cheer myself up watching old Sherlock episodes.

Things have partially been sorted, so I'm feeling happier, even though my general mood is on edge.

I've avoided telling the bf what's been up because this way I avoid heated discussions about it.

I was hoping to go see a viewing of the Led Zeppelin movie/concert. Bf and I had tentative plans to have dinner with friends but I figured since they were tentative I could simply move the appointment. So, I asked bf if he wanted to go and he got all huffy and frustrated.

Just one more frustration to add to my already dire week. When I find something I want to do to brighten my week I'm often confronted with his frustration... At least it seems that way.

I ended up going on my own and thoroughly enjoying it. Too bad the guys next to me were all tobacco and popcorn smelling older men with greying/balding ponytails and beer bellies who were loud talkers.

By the time I'd made up my mind to move it was over.

Experiencing Orgasms

This is what got me off today. I brought myself close, for as long as I could. I'm not usually one for getting close and then backing off, and getting close again and backing off... But today I teased myself throughout almost the whole little video. I love the beginning, it reminds me of playing online, where each person can see the other but can't touch.

When I couldn't hold back any longer I let the orgasm wash over me in waves and spasms. They weren't the usual violent spasms, they were more like rolling waves.

I find that my orgasms change depending on the situation, depending on how I get myself off, whether I penetrate or not and how I feel emotionally. I think my most common orgasm is relatively violent, strong spasms. They are short and debilitating. They often bend me almost in half.

On occasion though I've experienced a type that starts like a fire in my belly and I can feel it creeping through my veins, through my muscles like lava and it burns from the inside out, down my legs and up into my arms.
Today was different yet again. It was more relaxed. It felt like a calm sea and its waves lapping at the shore, rolling over me one after the other over and over and over. It was long, it made me gasp and groan but it didn't cause my body to double. It was a series of slow spasms that just kept coming as I lie on the couch. It made me want to stretch out like a cat and smile. The spasms continued for ages getting less intense as they came until I could barely feel them.

Maybe I should take more time with my orgasms... letting myself get close, backing off and building myself up again.... I definitely think I should experiment more... see how many different types I can find.

A bit of everything

DAD
The best news I've got is that my dad sent me a very brief email saying his PSA levels have gone down (which is a good thing.... I had to look it up). I'm not sure how long he has been on his new homeopathic diet and regime but it seems to be helping. I hope that it continues like this. I'm quite confident that it will. He's such a positive person that I believe he could will away any illness.

ME
I'll be starting my crazy winter schedule the week after next. It'll be pretty slow between now and the 22nd more or less.
I'm not looking forward to the winter months. I'm still hunting for an apartment, and I'm wondering whether what I'm looking for is even possible to find.

I've been thinking of making a few changes on the blog. Maybe add a set page or two. Not sure yet though. I like to keep things simple. I think people appreciate simplicity. If you have any suggestions/advice please leave me a comment or drop me an email. One question I have is whether the pink on white is legible and easy on the eyes. I find it's ok but might look into changing. Let me know if there are adverse effects I am unaware of! I will definitely stay away from white on black and black on white.... one to save eyes, the other is just too boring.

DD
One of my "Sex from the Past" partners just re-surfaced, DD. He's the one I regularly had sex with when I headed back home. This was before Rob of course. He got married and had a kid so that story ended quite abruptly. We're friends on FB, we used to keep in touch more... that is before he got married. We would say hi on occasion.... just small talk mostly, but I stopped hearing from him definitively after he had his kid. That was over 3 years ago.

Today.... yes, just this morning, I got a private message from him about a concert in my area. It simply says: "you should go to Florence on Thursday night to see Wilco, I bet you'd love it."

Wow. I'm kinda blown away. There was no "hi, how are ya". No "what have you been up to?". What I do know, is that I posted some stuff from the Radiohead concert I went to and I'm assuming it got him thinking about me connected to music. A lot of our original connection was around music, we used to go to see live bands together, go dancing and talk about music, he even had a little radio job. It's nice to hear from him though. I'll write a nice friendly answer, asking how he's doing. But I won't be surprised if he doesn't answer.
Come to think about it though, he probably will answer, he's a super polite guy, I doubt he'd ignore my email, unless his wife had access to his account or something.

ROB
I haven't really been in touch with Rob much lately. I'm hoping to catch up with him this evening. I've tentatively set up to meet him online tonight. I do get nostalgic and go through old emails and stuff on when I don't see him on Skype for a while. It's never a good sign, but luckily this bout was mild.... I just hope I catch him online today because if not I'll be right back reminiscing on the weekend and if I delve too far, I get sad. I'll just try to keep myself busy this weekend.

My neighbour (the one who knows about my move) asked me, while the bf was out, if he should ask the bf and I if we wanted to go to London with him and his Gf. I told him not to because I wanted to go on my own at some point. I asked him to leave me the option to get away alone to visit my friends there. He had imagined as much. I wonder if he suspects my going over for other reasons. I'm guessing he does, he reads me like a book.  I didn't bring this up to talk about his suspicions, it was more to say that going over to see Rob is still high on my list of places to visit and things to do in 2013. I'm not sure when I'll go... but I will go if Rob still wants me to. I think though that I need to visit some other regions of the UK so that bf has less reason to be suspicious.

A gift for Rob

I want to play...

*click*

with you.

Will you play with me?

I technically can't send him pics until he does his task, which he still hasn't done, hence my posting some new ones here. I'm hoping he'll stop by. It's a long shot. I can't tell when or if he comes on anymore. I used to be able to, now there are others that come on with the same broadband company and it's hard to tell. 

*let me know if you see them hon*

Thanks and Co-Worker

First of all I want to thank everyone for all the kind wonderful words you've all left for me either in comments or in emails. I haven't gotten back to anyone but believe me I appreciated every single word and they have helped me cope with my fears and anxieties. I wanted to get back to each one of you personally, but I didn't. There are reasons for that but each one would be an excuse and most likely I was lazy and possibly wanting to avoid having to think about things too much. I guess there's a part of me that wants to ignore the situation.

Co-Worker

I've been working with him a lot again, Monday and Tuesday especially. Monday was odd. He was in a terrible mood I'm not sure what was up, but he was angry and moody. I think he'd had a falling out with one of the women we work with.
We had lunch together on Monday. I told him about the concert I'd seen last week. He was really friendly and talkative, we got into discussions about the band, the opening band, radio shows, and my feeling a little out of the loop in terms of music here. We joked around and were back to our friendly playful selves together.

It was a while since we were able to talk and enjoy each other's company. It was nice... really nice. I think it really improved his mood for the afternoon too.

Tuesday was much of the same. There was no flirting which was nice, it was just that friendship that I don't want to lose and that I miss often.

Tuesday I mentioned my father's cancer to him. I had to fight not to cry when I told him. He was positive about it and I was left feeling good as well. Problem is that my brain searches for the distractions. If I don't want to think about something my instinct is to find something sexual to keep my mind busy. It's the same thing that happened when my mother died, it's the same thing that happens when I'm not in a good head space.... It's always been that way. I guess I'm just coming to terms with it and understanding it better now.

So the rest of Tuesday my mind kept wandering to his body next to mine in bed that morning. The warmth of the night, his touch on my side. It's like an epileptic seizure (I've no idea what they're like, I  just imagine them like this), my mind is engulfed in this memory, the emotions, sensations, smells and sounds all come flooding back and take over for a brief moment. It's debilitating.

Scared, Worried and Exhausted.

This week was absolutely INSANE... know what I mean? It's the "running around like a chicken with your head cut off" type of work week. I worked 8 or 9 hours every day. I had a concert in another town on Tuesday and didn't get home until 1:00am and a dinner on Wednesday after work. I had an online meeting with my sister last night and private lessons after work on two evenings as well. To boot, I have to work Saturday morning this week.

I really haven't even looked at my computer except to talk to my sister last night while I tried to relax on the couch and watch inception (again).
I need to catch up on a million things including emails and reading blogs. I will do that this weekend.

Last Sunday was a massively huge blow to me. I spent the day in tears and I haven't had much time to think about what I was told until yesterday when I was supposed to talk to my (half) sister about it.

My father lives in a far away country, about a 24 hour flight from where I am now. We talk almost weekly on Skype, but I hadn't heard from him since before my holidays in Croatia. He'd had some minor health issues when he'd come to visit me this winter here and I was pretty sure he was busy with getting tests done and such to figure things out.

On Sunday he told me he has prostate cancer.

I told bf of course and I sent Rob an email. I decided not to post here until now. One because I just haven't had the time, and two because I felt like I needed to let the information settle a little.

I lost my mother to cancer 6/7 years ago, I lost my aunt (my father's sister) to cancer 5/6 years ago,  and I am deathly afraid of losing my father. I have always been very close to him, much closer than I ever was to my mother.

Needless to say I'm scared shitless, but at the same time, in this case I'm confident that things will go for the best.

It's funny how things work though isn't it? How I just posted that entry on my mother's death and all...

I think I'll leave this here. But next week should be a little less hectic.

Why Not to Get Involved with Married Men.

Yesterday as a total fluke I caught Rob online. Bf is now working one weekday per week apart from the usual weekends. I'd caught Rob on Sunday and wasn't expecting to catch him online again so soon. I was just getting some stuff done on the computer and was finishing a telephone call. I was literally going to hang up and text him to let him know I was on when I got his IM.

The conversation lasted quite a while. It was, yet again, a mix of random things, including another question as to when I'd be coming over. Just the thought of it, even now, makes me wet. I told him quite honestly that I didn't know but probably in 2013. We joked about the impossibility of him ever coming here, although as he said he'd like to.

One other thing in the conversation stood out for me (apart from his hard cock at the end). He asked me if we should set a cut off date for our "relationship". When I asked why, he simply said "we need to grow up". Then he suggested 40, so I said "but that's just 5 years from now!". He's 38, it would only be 2 years for him as he quickly pointed out.
Whether he was joking or not is still a mystery to me. I don't think that he meant it seriously, but I think part of him does want to get over me. That's not the right term though. He wants to forget about me might be better. It's not the first time he's brought it up. He brought it up in Birmingham even. The first day we were together there.

There is a part of me that agrees with him, I doubt this thing can go on forever. I'd hate to have to set a cut off date though. It's too.... terminal, too traumatic... too difficult.
I was going to say (but didn't) that we'll cut it off if things don't work out with bf and I after I move, or if I ever get a new bf, but that would be rather selfish of me.

When I sit to think about it I just want to whine and say I don't want it to end.... ever, but that's not practical, is it? Then again love generally isn't practical in its own right.

There is a stupid devil that sits on my shoulder and makes a minor part of me want him to break up with his gf so that I could have him for myself. I know that's not going to happen. I have always promised myself (and him) that I'd never expect that from him. I'm not like that. I want what's best for him as well as myself, but that doesn't stop some part of my heart from wanting it.

It's a bit like something he told me a while back; that there was a part of him that didn't want me to break with my bf because it would mean me finding someone better and then he'd lose me.

I've always said to myself that I'd never get involved with a married man, and here I am basically in that position. And I know, only rarely do they ever leave their wives. I guess this is why women fall for married men.
There never really is that definite no in your heart.

No matter what, you'll always hope.

Death

It haunts me when I close my eyes to try to get to sleep. I've never told anyone. Ever. It's too painful. Recently though I've decided that I need to purge.

I arrived that morning, she had an oncologist appointment that I wanted to be present at. The nurses at hospice told me she was still sleeping. One of the nurses confessed that she had been gulping for air when she checked on her, so she had put a humidifier in the room. The nurse asked me if I wanted to go in and see her. I said no, "I'll let her sleep".

I sat patiently waiting for her to wake up, there was no rush, it was early. The appointment was later.

I was reading a book I think. People started rushing. I remember the thought that something had happened. Someone had died. It was a hospice after all.

I remember something about people asking other people what room to use.
I don't remember the exact moment someone approached me but I remember knowing what was going on, it came as no surprise. I know it was a woman and she asked me to follow her into a room. It was a small room, similar to an office, but it only had two armchairs and a side table with a phone. We stood in there and I already knew what she was going to tell me. I knew why they were running around, I knew why they took me to that room.

I don't remember how she told me.

I remember my reaction. I didn't have one. I was expecting it. I knew that she had died. I didn't cry. I just nodded. The woman asked me if I wanted to see her. I didn't answer right away. I didn't want to see her. I'd never seen a dead body before. I did think that it was probably the best thing to do though. It was the "respectful" thing to do. So I nodded yes.

She escorted me in and left me there. My mother was lying in the bed. Blanket still on her, she had been sleeping, her eyes were closed. Her lips were blue and open. I had seen them do it in movies, close a person's eyes, and mouth after death. I tried... Her jaw was rigid, it didn't move. It was cold.

I moved to the window and cried. I don't know how long I was there for. My sister was on her way. When she came, I tried to hug her, but she walked straight to my mother.

Days, weeks, months, even years later, I thought about it. She was sleeping, but she was gulping for breath. The nurse was lacking, she should have known she was dying. I should have gone in to see her when she asked me to.
Why were her lips blue? Did she suffocate to death? What was she dreaming about? Did she wake up gasping for air, did she dream about gasping for air or did she pass out first?

__________________________________

I wrote this a year ago or so. I've never had the courage to re-read it and actually post it but I think it's time. After I wrote it, it stopped haunting me. I don't think that publishing it will bring back the hauntings, I think that they'll stay put where they are. I'm glad I wrote it when I did, I'm also glad I didn't publish it. There is a time fore everything. Time to get over my fears. ~My mother died of lung cancer in 2006. She was never a smoker. I still miss her.

Preface to Death

So I've been contemplating whether to post something I wrote a while ago now. It was about a year ago. It was a purge about my mother's death. It helped me get over some things. I wrote it and left it as a draft. I never went back to read it. It sat there, a silent reminder of what I was trying to forget I guess. I wrote it to see if it would get rid of the anxious visions I had before falling asleep at night. I had them for over 5 years. It worked. After I wrote it they stopped. The best thing I've possibly ever used this blog for.
It was written to eventually get posted publicly. I never did get up the courage to post it. I actually never got up the courage to re-read it, but I read Rachel's last post and it made me think of my post. I went back to it and corrected the spelling. It's technically ready to be posted. It's now sitting at the top of my blog post list, still in draft, waiting to be public.

I guess it's time to post it. It's scheduled for tomorrow.

looking for a tip.

Can anyone give me a hand with something?
I want to start answering comments by email. Is there a setting I can use to do that automatically? or do I have to enter each person's profile and do it from there?


***Solution found***

Thanks to everyone for your help, I finally found a solution an old blogger friend told me about.

If you subscribe by email to your own comments (you can find this option in your emailing settings) then you get emails of the comments. If the person has an email attached to their profile you can simply reply to the email. If not there is a "noreply-comment" in the "to" box.

Friendly Confrontation

The search for my own place has not stopped. I am still looking, it's just slow going. I've left my name, number and the details of the kind of place I want at various different agencies but nothing so far has turned up.

I don't have a ton to say in terms of anything much going on with me. Work is busy and will proceed to get busier.

Rob
I have talked to Rob a couple times recently. I guess it was the first two times since my holidays in Croatia. He mentioned he might be on during the weekend but he ended up being busy. He was super sweet and sent me an email on Monday apologizing for not being around and letting me know when he was free this week.
Just as a joke, I wanted to say "marry me" in an email as thanks, and to show my appreciation. I didn't it was a little much. I'm not sure why I liked that particular email so much, but I did. To be honest there was nothing that special about it except, I suppose, his thoughtfulness.

He admitted to having stopped by the blog a few times "just to see what's going on in my head" as he puts it. It's nice to know he's curious about my head, I wish I had some sort of insight into his too.

I have difficulty understanding feelings and the way they work though. People do nice things for me all the time, especially bf. He's constantly doing nice things. Other guy friends too. What is it with our brains that don't really SEE that kindness, they don't appreciate it. When a person we are in love with or have a crush on does something minor it brightens up our day, gives us a warm happy feeling... Why is that?? Why can't we appreciate all kind acts in the same way?

He confronted me nicely during our talk, half-jokingly about why I'm getting my own place. He was sure I just don't have the guts to break up with him. I defended myself immediately, asking him to hear me out. Later, when thinking about what he'd said I decided that I partially agree with him. But I know for sure that it's not the reason why I've decided to move out. I really do need to get some distance between myself and this relationship to understand what it is I want. Maybe I do want to break up with him deep down. But I can't know that without the distance and space.
I managed to convince him of my reasons. But it was nice to have him confront me, get me thinking and even hear myself explain it logically. I even reassured myself.

On a completely different note I want to introduce you to a singer that I've discovered and quite enjoy. She's got a sweet sweet voice and I find her extremely sexy. I'm going to post an original song of hers that I'm addicted to at the moment. I love the fact that it's a mythological story but the song is extremely catchy. This is not her sexiest video by far, but I enjoy the song so much that I figured it was the best choice.

My Own Private Mind Fuck.

In a hotel room, first day, first few minutes in the room. My side of the conversation:

"I'm not undressing you this time. I'm not going down on your first. You're gonna have to work for it this time."

*leaning over the desk, in front of the mirror* "Spank me.... Harder. Go on."

*laughing* "is that all you've got?"
*gasping* "you can do better than that."
*panting* "fuck that's good. More please, don't stop... both sides... make me red."

*dripping* "Go down boy, now... slow.... slower" *pushing and pulling away, teasing, creating diversions, kissing, moving, turning, standing, sitting*

"Do you want me?"
"Do you want to fuck me?"
"Am I your little slut?
"Are you going to fuck me like your personal slut?"
"I've been waiting for this for months."
"Fuck me"
"Fuck me"
"Please, please, fuck me"
"Fuck me like the little slut I am"
"I want to feel you deep inside me"
"Use me"
"Hurt me"
"Make me cum"

*whispered in your ear as I cum, almost a whiney beg.* "Make me suck your cock now. I want to taste myself on you"
"I want to lick you clean"
"Make me gag on your cock please."

*coming up for air* "I can't get enough of your cock. I adore your cock." *Diving down for more*
*coming up for air again* "Watch me make you cum. I want you to cum on my face, my tits, my tummy"
*just as you're filling my mouth again* "Cum for me."
*hand on my clit, hand on my nipple, staring up at you from the floor* "Cum on me. You're going to cum on me 'cause I'm your little slut right?"

*licking my fingers clean* "Thank you. That was yummy."

___________________________________

When I have a shower I often meditate. It's my space. A space where I can't hear anything, see anything or really emotionally feel anything. I just have the sensation of warm water running over my body, over my hair, my ears and I think. My mind wanders and I allow myself to get completely lost in thought.

Yesterday I had a shower and my mind went on it's usual rampage, from one topic to the next. Mostly it lingered on a conversation I'd love to have during sex with Rob. I dream of being as good with spoken words as I am writing them. My voice cracks with the slightest hint of emotion, whether that be embarrassment, sadness, anger, heat... whatever, it cracks and I hate it. It somehow externalizes emotions I'd rather hide. I want to overcome those emotions by letting the words out, but they crack under the weight of that emotion and I fear saying them for how they will sound. Weak.  I could whisper at first. That would keep things more solid I think, at least to start... then I think it would ease up.

Lemon-ginger and Honey

It's creeping back in. That darkness between the bubbles... Remember? Like the painting. Speaking of which I should post another picture of, I did some more work in it a while back.

No matter what, I'll still go through these phases of darkness. Even when I have my own place. I'm writing this to remind myself... I'm capable of trying to convince myself that it'll be all sun and fun when I get an apartment.
When winter rolls round and the weather turns, i turn too. Work helps. Keeping busy helps.

Today reminds me of the day in that cafe in Camden town. It was pouring and I was sipping lemon ginger tea with honey while writing in my journal. I wrote him a letter that I never sent. It got used though, portions of it were stitched together to write the email I finally sent him. It was my realization that I loved him. For the first time I decided that it was ok to admit it to myself, and therefore also to him.

Today, a dreary rainy day, I sit and sip the same ginger lemon tea with honey and it brings back memories.

The tea is somewhat symbolic of this relationship if you think about it. Ginger being spicy, lemon being fragrant and sour, honey is of course smooth, thick and sweet.
Spice = sex
Lemon = distance
Honey = love

It's the perfect concoction for those cool rainy days.

In the Country (Written by Rob)

The light zephyr of wind blows while the warm sun beats gently down.

Wearing sunglasses shorts and a tee shirt, with the smell of freshly cut lawns, I walk across a deserted village street, over the fence and down a tree-lined avenue of hanging willow trees. A cobbled path uneven under foot, the sound of bird song, green grass brushing on my legs.

The avenue ends, another fence to climb.

I hop over the fence with 2 steps, spring down onto my feet with no care in the world into a field of golden barley swaying gently in the breeze.

I look into the distance, about 400 yards away I see the outline of beauty walking away from me, the silhouette of a dark figure against the golden background: Long flowing hair, shorts and a tied up top.

I think nothing of it and keep walking.

One field passes into another.

This one is filled with thick tall maize about 8 foot high. It smells wonderful, the corn has flowered and is ready to ripen.

The pathway gets narrower and the sunlight gets dimmer as the tall corn stretches competing with each other for the sun’s rays.

The surroundings look all the same it’s getting darker and quieter.

A chink of light appears in the distance so I head for that.

Some 10 minutes pass...

I appear on the other side, somehow touched by the spiritual sensation gained from being in an alien environment back into the warm sunlight and wondering where the girl I saw had disappeared to.

I look around, there was no sign, so I kept on walking.

Tall trees and wild flowers are my world now. Then down a winding path over a fence and onto the small one-track road that looks like it hadn’t been used for some time. With every footstep a puff of dust comes up making my sneakers dusty.

My throat now dry and beads of sweat starting to show on my brow, I make my way down the small winding road where signs of life start to emerge.

A road sign, a stray dog barks at me and then the road opens up onto a small village green. A bench sits alone on the green where a small brass plaque screwed onto it reads:

in loving memory of Cyril Smith 1935-1994

I wonder who he was and what he did.

I make my way into the village still wondering about Mr. Smith

I pass an old blacksmith’s forge where the old man stokes the fire, heating the shoes for an old shire horse that pulls his wagon up and down the local town.

He collects scrap iron for extra income.

Past the forge there is a butcher’s shop where locals buy their fresh meat.

The fat butcher is sitting out in the sun with his faithful jack russell by his side.

I walk on and spot the village pub. So to quench my thirst I walk towards the pub and push hard on the heavy solid oak door that must have been there for over 200 years.

The smell of fresh hops and old wood meet me as I slide the door shut. A friendly landlord greets me at the bar.

“What shall it be?” he says.

“I’ll have a pint of your coldest larger”, which he greets with a frown because this is one of those real ale pubs where old men drink and compare warm flat ales. They usually have beards and wear sandals. (Of course I think this to myself).

He serves me anyway, and I hand over the money, grab a menu and sit down in the corner on an old wooden leather backed comfy chair.

After a couple of swallows of the cold drink fizzing on my tongue, the landlord comes over to me and asks if I would like to order from the menu.

I answer him: “yes I’ll have the fish”

He goes away.

I look around at the ancient walls, white with black timbers; old guns and shooting paraphernalia adorn the walls, old drinking tankards, and horse brasses: A typical English country pub that hadn’t changed for a hundred years, straight out of a period drama.

I sit back reach into my pocket pull out the paper and raise it to my eyes, shades on top of my head. I read about a woman who put a cat into a dustbin. She had been caught on cctv by a man across the street. After national outcry and death threats, the woman was on 24hr police guard.

I thought it was ironic

Under my paper I see a small pair of what I think would be size 6 feet wrapped in gladiator sandals. The feet come towards me and I hear the words “you ordered the fish?”

I say yes, look up and it's the smiling face of the beautiful girl I saw in the field.

Well I think it is. She has shorts and a tied up shirt. She smiles and lays down my food.

I pull up may chair as she walks away. I glance across as she leaves and I'm convinced it was her. She looks over her shoulder and catches me checking out her ass. She winks and disappears into the kitchen.

I ate my food, which was ok I guess. My review in the local paper would reflect the quality and price of the food but it would never mention the girl I saw in the fields. She was mine and I have held her close to my heart ever since.

THE END

Preface to Monday's post.

I hooked up an external hard drive the other day to figure out whether it worked. I'd had problems with it in the past, but today it worked.

It's an old HDD that I used to use with my old macbook white and I did all my backups on there.

When the disk mounted I was surprised but happy that I could get back into my old files.

I went searching for my old "documents" file. It's my hidden, locked file that I keep with all my blog pics but also excerpts from communication with Rob too.
There's even a wonky pic of him I took on the fly the first time we met. There are a few things I copied from skype conversations, one was a story about him and I in an elevator which was hot. Another was just some random conversation. My favourite though was a story he wrote to me on skype just a few words at a time. It took forever for him to write it since it was just snippets.
It was a story about a walk in the countryside near where he lives. It was full of little typos and there were no real sentences but I loved the story, it was capable of conjuring the images and even smells of that walk.

With his permission I wrote it up making it into a real story with sentences and paragraphs. I wanted to  post it here but I don't think I ever did.

So I'm going to post it... It's fairly long, so sorry for the length, but it's worth reading to the end. The end made me cry when I read it today, he admitted to me that I am the girl in the story.

I miss Rob. I haven't seen him on skype or talked to him in months now. We've texted a couple times, and I sent him some pics but no "real" interaction. So this is how I get by... reading old stuff and going through pictures.

*update since I wrote this (yesterday) I talked to Rob today on Skype, there's not much to say except that I'm still hooked.*

Father Daughter Relationship

I've been thinking a little.... ok.... a lot. I always think a lot. I've been ruminating the story with bf, and the relationship a bit too.

I can't really do much else at the moment because all the real-estate agents are on holiday until Monday, so I'm stuck thinking.

Bf and I have what you might consider a father daughter type relationship as the therapist said. But how does that really work?

When I first arrived in this country I was working for a family, they gave me room and board. I had organized a place to stay for September and put a down payment on the apartment I was going to rent with students.

When September rolled round the apartment was completely empty, there was no toilet, no shower, no kitchen... nothing.

Since bf had driven me to the apartment that day, he suggested that I go stay with him. So I did.
I never left.

He took me in and paid for everything (since I didn't have much money). I cooked, cleaned and ironed in return. I eventually found work and started paying my own rent, and half the bills. I kept up with the cooking and everything else, but I was always afraid of bf's reaction if I didn't do it, he was a little more volatile than he is now.

Eventually we moved, he quit his job and I got more work. Our roles reversed and he started doing all the cooking and cleaning. That's how it's been ever since.

A while back now, I asked bf if he wanted kids and after an argument and some tears he came to me and said " it's not that I don't want kids with you... I just wouldn't want a girl because she'd be like you". For ages I was trying to figure that out. But now it makes sense. He doesn't need anyone else to take care of. I'm enough.

I don't want to live with a father figure. I'm afraid that I've never really "grown up". I need this new space to find myself.

It isn't fair for him to have to "look after" someone all the time, but that's what's going on. I'd rather come to the relationship as a grown woman capable of taking care of herself. At the same time though, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't want me with a different perspective. I'm pretty sure he'll get scared away by my new found independence. I think he's always been comfortable with the way things are. He probably has never wanted me to get a studio on a subconscious level. He is afraid of that change in me. He believes that I can obtain any goal I put my mind to and he probably thinks that those goals will push me away from him.

Therapist talk

So I went.

I went to see the therapist.

It was not a revelation. It was encouragement to do what I've been wanting to do for ages. I paid an arm and a leg, but it was worth my feeling confident.

A lot of things were said. The meeting was 1.5 hours long so we went through a lot of stuff. In the end there were a few conclusions. Getting my own place is the easiest best way to figure out whether I want to try to concentrate on art and to figure out whether I want to continue the relationship with bf.

She suggested I not say anything to bf about looking into apartments until I was ready to commit to something. That way I could stay out of discussions and avoid being talked out of it.

We came to the conclusion that my relationship with bf is very much like a father daughter one. He does most everything for me.... She also said that it works for many couples.

She came to the conclusion that since he's happy where he is, he doesn't want things to change and therefore he's not bringing anything really to the relationship, if not marriage, if not kids.... then what? just slide on into old age like this? It's not what I want. I want more.

So I need to go out and get it for myself. If he doesn't like it he'll cut himself loose. If he can maybe we'll stay together.

I'm pretty sure I've come to some of these conclusions on my own (others have also commented and emailed me these conclusions as well), but it was really helpful to have someone tell me to my face. It was encouraging. It was also nice to hear that I didn't have to tell bf everything that is going on with me. I felt that if I didn't I was being disrespectful or something when in reality at this point it's just having to get something done and that's it. I'm at an age where I need to look after what I want.

I talked to an agency about an apartment yesterday. They're more or less on holiday but she said she'd get back to me. The apartment sounds really good except that it's totally empty. I'd need to get a kitchen fridge the whole 9 yards. But the price is good. We'll see. I'd have to make adjustments to my budget but I think I could manage.

Anyhow that's that....

Next step, finding a place.... (again)

I changed my mind

I didn't bring it up with him. But I did book an appointment with my counsellor for Tuesday eve.... something I probably should have done ages ago. I may find an opportunity and the right moment (between now and then) to bring it all up with bf in any case... we'll see.

Croatian After-Math

Croatian sea is gorgeous but COLD. 

I've been back for two days. Bf and I were supposed to head down to his mother's house and I'd have been away for another week but we decided against it and, well here I am back in the blogworld.

The trip to Croatia was nice and not so nice. I'm not sure how to describe it because it was a holiday in the true sense of the word, and I don't get many of those. I read 4 books in 8 days and tanned, swam and took a hike on my own.

I left home with a dread and sort of apathy towards the holiday. All I wanted was to tell bf I didn't want to be with him anymore, that I wanted to move out and have my own place. That's all I could think for about half the trip.

I let him do what he wanted most of the time. I just kept saying "whatever you want to do", "if you want", "sure", "ok". I was fine with it. I didn't have anything I really wanted so I let him take over. But soon enough I realized he was sort of at a loss. He really didn't know what to do with himself often especially while I was reading. He doesn't even try to strike up conversation with me like say, about what I'm reading. He brought his new "toy", a little boat with a motor and he was quite content to use it but the sea water was too cold to snorkel in which is what he really wanted to do.

I'm happy to say that I got by great without internet. It was a welcome get-away from that too. I buried my nose in books. And I caught bf mumbling something about me hiding in a fantasy world of books rather than on internet as if it were the same thing.

We didn't have sex. I just wasn't up for it. I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him if I knew I just wanted to tell him that I was leaving him. But then he sort of half convinced me (it's hard to explain, I think I felt guilty) and we did have sex once. It was pretty horrible for me. I cried, luckily he took me from behind so he couldn't see my face.

On our way back home though something eased up inside of me and I started relaxing towards him. The ice around my mood sort of melted. Once we got back I was relatively happy... until today. Things are right back where they were.

During the time I was in Croatia I read a book that really got me thinking about relationships. It was a book by Murakami called "South of the Border, West of the Sun". There are passages that describe perfectly the draw I feel towards certain people. And there are pages of description of what happens if one might follow those urges and they aren't positive for anyone involved.

I'm going to bring up wanting to get out of here again with bf. It's just a matter of when to do it. It will be soon. Since we've been through the conversation already it should really have a different, hopefully more effective, consequence. I'm planning on telling him that the feeling does ebb. It's not constant. But that it always returns. If it returns it means that I need to act on it. I can't continue with this ebb. It just doesn't make sense.

I'm hoping to bring it up tomorrow. That's my tentative plan. But don't hold me to it.... please. I know that reading me say this each time must be frustrating but it is my place to vent so I apologize for the frustration but it's just the way it goes.

Enjoy the pic. No click-thru or tricks today.

Pre-Vacation Babble

It's almost time. We're leaving at 3am to head to Croatia for 10 days. I will not have internet unless I find an open wifi signal. Luckily we'll be in a relatively large town and there should be wifi somewhere.

I'm rather happy to be taking a holiday from it to be honest. It will be a true detox. I've got my kindle loaded with books to read so I'll be keeping myself busy that way. I've got some Murakami and some Philip k Dick as well as a book called Black Swan Green by David Mitchell that I was recently told to read. I've also got Just Kids by Patti Smith... I'm thinking that I'll finish reading (I started it but never finished) "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" seeing as I've just watched Blade-Runner again after so many years.

BF
Things here are pretty calm. I've been having strage thoughts. Nothing serious, just unlike me. We have a new neighbour. She is a woman in her mid to late 30s (I think).
I had a kidney stone attack and was unable to move most of Friday. After having dinner bf was outside on our patio overlooking hers and they ended up chatting until quite late. I'm guessing they were out there for about an hour and a half.
I was somewhat annoyed... but it was mild. I'm generally quite jealous. Over the past few days though I have caught myself thinking that I hope he falls in love with her, making it easier for me to move away. I don't know if I actually believe those thoughts or if they are forced... Women's brains are wired funny.

I'm not looking forward to this holiday much. I'm not really gung-ho about it. I'm looking forward to laying on the beach, working on my tan, detoxing from internet and eating good food. I hope bf finds people to go fishing with.... I'd rather be left alone. Maybe I'll change my mind once we're there though.

ROB
I haven't let Rob know that I'll be away. I'm thinking I'll text him from Croatia at some point or wait for him to text me. He's busy with all that's going on over there. I hope he's feeling better though, he was in bad sorts when I last checked. I've opened my mail account probably 20 times today either hoping to see an email from him or contemplating writing one to him. I try not to overdo the contact these days. I figure he's busy and doesn't need the extra stuff. Hence my decision to text him from Croatia if he texts me. I might change my mind on that yet. We'll be in Italy and I'll have internet service to the border. I may give in to the temptation...

I admit though, he has been better at letting me know if he will be around and stuff. We tentatively set up to meet on Thursday eve (I think it was). He said he'd text me to let me know if he couldn't come. And sure enough he did. I was thankful for it, yet disappointed he couldn't make it.

Woah Co-W = Dad?

So I went in to work today just to say hi. So I get there say hi to everyone, Co-Worker is in another room, doing something so I don't see him right away. I stop to talk to some people and then he walks in and waves at me. He looks different. He looks good. Blue shirt, khaki shorts, a new haircut and shaved.
I comment on the cut. He replies that he looks better, trendier this way and walks away.
When I walk into the room where he is, he stops in front of me... his usual extra close distance and he says, quietly, "you know why I cut my hair?" I respond no, and he says "I'm going to be a daddy."

I think my jaw dropped right about then. I wasn't sure he was serious so I asked him two or three times if he was joking. He said, "I joke a lot, but I'm definitely not joking about this."

I congratulated him, told him I was happy for him. And then the conversation changed topics and life went on as usual.

The girl I work with asked me what I thought. I honestly said that he would be a fantastic father. I told her that it was weird, but that I was really happy for him.

On my way home, I'm not sure if it was a song I was listening to or what, but I almost burst into tears. Now I'm not sad because he's having a kid per-sé but it definitely gives this whole thing a sense of closure... and I guess I didn't want to close it. I'll survive though of course. It only lasted about 30 seconds.

A few of you were voicing your opinions of Co-W, and well I think that for probably the past 3 months or more, this is what has been going on.

Strange things crossed my mind with all this. Questions like  'what's keeping me here'... and 'I'm feeling jealous'... but at the same time 'why would I be jealous'.

I guess my heart and brain need to work out what they feel and just work through the emotional info.

I think the jealousy is for the fact that they managed, after just three years to have clear ideas on what they wanted and where they wanted to go. After 14 years with the bf I still don't have that. I admit that I doubt this child was terribly planned. They are renting and neither of them have super well paying jobs. Nonetheless I am envious of their decisions in a way.

Fact is.... bf has never asked me if I want kids. It's always been me asking him. To be fair though. I'm not even sure what I'd answer right now. Perhaps in our 5th or 6th year of being together (because year 1-4 were rough) I'd have been clearer. But right now... I have no idea.

Awakenings

I'm not entirely conscious when I feel your fingers graze my pussy. A light touch over my clit, just enough pressure to send shivers down my legs, to ease me into consciousness and to make me stretch, open my legs and raise my hands over my head. You have filled me before, and you fill me again with your finger, taking up rhythm while your other hand takes hold of both of mine. Holding hands like children on the school ground. Your head leaning on your arm, watching me, following my eyes, interested in my reactions as I savour every sensation.

You work me until I'm almost ready, starting with one, easing a second one, I'm ready for a third but you stop.  Your hand moves to my mouth, shoving them in, I can taste myself on your fingers. The mix of different salts, my body and yours, dissected by my brain analyzing who is who. Your fingers dive in deep, the other hand tightens it's grip on my wrists as you sit up next to me.

No words, nothing is said. Your hand moves swiftly to my throat, my jaw, my hands held tight against my pillow, and your cock glides easily into my mouth. I can feel your pulse, I can feel you fill my passage, I can't breathe, but I don't need to, you are my air today. My brain recognizes this flavor as you and I want all of you, as deep as you can go. You move to a rhythm that I can hear in my mind, moving in and then pulling out, moving deeper and pulling out. Deeper and longer, letting me catch my breath, then deeper again.

I can feel you're ready, your hand shifts unconsciously to the back of my head and you force me down hard. I can feel you cum, hot, down the back of my throat, and you release me. You are not done though, there's more, on my lips, down my chin, over my cheeks. I am drenched.

Bf's Fb Rant (gotta love those acronyms I have)

I'm tired. No, exhausted

My blood pressure is at 96/58. When I got out of bed this morning I almost passed out. 96/58 was after lunch and after a cup of black tea.

I had a long involved relatively calm conversation with bf yesterday. I could be emotionally and mentally worn out I suppose. The conversation was relatively one sided for the first half while bf more or less went off on the facebook subject. He thinks I'm addicted and losing sight of reality. Fact is fb is my cover. I keep it up so that if I'm writing my blog entry or browsing blogs or my stat counter he can't see those. I've started keeping my headphones on and youtube up now too but he concentrates on fb.

The stupid television talks about fb addictions. What I tried to explain to him is that I go through periods when I'm not feeling social, when I'd rather not do things with other people, when I just want to climb into my shell and be a hermit crab. He doesn't understand that. He's an extremely social person and would love to have people in the house 24/7. I like being social, but I LOVE my space. I love spending time on my own, listening to music, hanging out on the internet, painting, reading a book, drawing or playing stupid video games. There are moments when I can't stand being in the house and other times when I can't stand being with people.

He went off on tangents about what fb is and what it does to you and well, fact is that he doesn't have a fb page and has no idea how it works. I patiently listened to him, told him that certain things that he'd said were right while others were wrong and I proceeded to show him my fb profile and whatever else was on the wall.

The point though is that he sees things from the wrong angle. He sees me engrossed in fb thinking that it's the fb that's keeping me there, rather than think that there's something wrong at home that pushes me to isolate myself.

I sort of told him that. I told him that he was looking at it from the wrong angle. I think, though, that I will try to explain that better to him.

I keep cycling through the same motions and thoughts and feelings. I don't see any solutions other than getting my own place. I can't keep cycling through like this. I need a solution. I need that push though to do it. Take the step, the leap of faith... get the courage or whatever other cliche you want to use. It's too bad bf isn't in favour of me getting my own place. He'd be the perfect motivator. He's good at convincing me to do things.

Angry and frustrated and Ugh... when will I stop complaining?

There are days where I have a million and one doubts about my relationship with rob.
Fact is that when I'm with him those doubts vanish. It's just anxious insecurities. But they are there, and since he doesn't talk much and because I'm not with him they heighten. They vanish when I can see his face, his eyes... they dissipate. His actions speak a world of information, but without that my anxieties take over much too easily.

The last time we hooked up online he kept telling me how beautiful I was, how radiant. It made me blush. I need to keep moments like that in mind when my insecurities take over. But it's really hard... really, really hard for me to do that while I feel like I'm being avoided (even though my logical mind and even facts tell me it's (probably) not the case.... see my mind what it does?! It puts doubts where there shouldn't be any).

I am in a constant state of anxiety these days. Today is one of those days where I feel really determined to get out of my situation with bf. I actually get angry and motivated. The anger pushes me in directions. The thoughts never really leave my mind ever, they just become more subdued when I'm not angry or anxious.

Right now though, my anxiety and anger are both high and I just don't want to have anything to do with living with someone, or have anything to do with men in general for that matter. I just feel like running around like a mad woman screaming her head off... I guess I'm also frustrated.

Happenings and my brain:

-I've done more on my bubble painting.
-I've been on chatroulette
-A few days ago I met a cute guy (on chatroulette) in the process of direly trying to distract myself from going insane.
-We played games. Like I used to do. It was fun. We laughed a lot.
-My fucked up mind won't shut off.
-I regret not sleeping with Co-worker.
-I think about that more often than I should.
-I contemplate cutting internet off my phone on occasion.
-I feel like I'm going to lose it completely at times.

on a side note:

Two of the blogs I was following have shut down. I've taken them off my reading list. I don't have much left of the blog circle that I had when I started this blog. I'm used to that, things change quickly here and well, I guess I just need to let go and maybe find a new circle.... or let them find me.

Melancholia

It's strange how it seeps in. You don't expect it really. It just sort of makes its way into being, kind of like a sponge soaking up ink. The bubbles and holes slowly filling with that creeping insidious blackness.
Sometimes it's a song that triggers it. Sometimes it's just a blank page. Sometimes it's a voice or a lack thereof. Often it's a dangerous cocktail.
The soul then indulges, it delves deeper, soaking it up faster. A soul greedy for melancholy, feeding itself like a hot ember igniting with a light breeze.

Unfinished Insidious Bubbles.

I've been hiding in my art these days. Melancholia is prolific. I've painted three paintings and I'm working on another inspired by this post (pictured above). They are relatively large watercolours.

All I want to do is paint these days. I have ideas... lots of ideas, and to think that I didn't have any at all when I did my first painting. They came rushing at me like a tsunami in full force. The bubbles are possibly going to be a series... I want to play with different combinations of colours and textures, inside and outside of the bubbles. It's funny too, the bubbles painting came after I had started this post. I had a clear image in my head of that sponge sopping up ink and I went to look for an image on google, but didn't find one. It became a necessity to create that image. I quite like it as it is now, but I'm going to give some of the bubbles some texture, maybe even some colour.

Weaving dreams and weight issues?

I am in a weird headspace. It started after my nap today.
Maybe I'm just tired... I'm probably just tired. I went on a massive tour, taking some friends of mine who were here for the day yesterday, to every major monument in my home town in the morning then a 2 hour drive to one of the most famous cities in the world until 10pm and didn't get home until 1 am when I had a shower, said my goodbyes and then collapsed on my bed just to get up at 7 am to go to work.

I worked all morning and then had a 2 hour lesson this afternoon flopped back onto the bed in the scorching heat and fell asleep. I woke up sweaty and hot, horny, wanting cock in my mouth, not anyone's cock, no, just Rob's cock. I wearily got my phone and looked up blowjobs on youporn and promptly got myself off in a half slumber.

The weird thing is that my dreams were layered. They often are. My dreams don't seem to be linear. They layer one thing upon another. My brain seems to be computing more than one thing at once. So my thoughts of Rob and his cock were overlapped with thoughts of artwork, artspace, a studio, practical things.... both sets of images running through my mind at the same time, weaving in and out of each other.

Often I can distinguish a solid train of thought, other times they get terribly confused and interwoven.

As much as I'd like to complain about how much I miss Rob I think I'll stay off that topic. It does contribute to my mood though. This weekend is going to be rough. I think I'll just try to get to the beach as much as possible... just to keep my mind off things. Take my book, sunscreen, beach towel, get on the bus, make eye contact with cute guys at the beach and flirt a little.

I think another part of my mood is based on the strange fact that I've actually gained weight.

I'm thin, I've always been thin. The heaviest I've been is 110 pounds when I was 16. For the past 14 years I've been under 106lbs and while that my seem like an anorexic weight, it's my natural balance.
Three weeks ago I went to put on a pair of trousers that I wore easily last year. When I tried them on, I fit into them but they were slightly tight in the hips. Yesterday I tried on the same pair (only three weeks later) and I couldn't get them on. People have told me that I look like I've gained a little weight and that usually makes me happy, but when I can't wear the clothes I've always worn it frustrates me.

I decided to weigh myself and sure enough I've gained a fair amount of weight for someone who rarely puts on or loses more than 2 pounds in a year. I now weigh 112 lbs. Ok, so that seems like nothing to most people and they are probably right, but when a person my size puts on 6 lbs and can't fit into their jeans it feels like a lot. I guess it is a lot if you think of it in terms of percentage compared to average body weight (don't ask me to do the math on that though... ).

So while I'm somewhat happy to have gained a little weight, I'm also a little worried that I'm going to continue to gain. I get the feeling it has something to do with my new meds so I may have to return to the specialist to see what he says.

My body type is generally lean and relatively thin, I highly doubt my body structure would be able to handle gaining much weight without complications. I'm already having circulation problems that I've rarely had in the past, like my feet, legs and hands swelling in the heat.

Who knows though. Maybe I'm just changing.... maybe it's just my age...