Office Guy is a Twat

Oh man. What a stupid mistake that was.

The guy's a bit of a jerk. I know it sounds harsh.... I barely know the guy.

So, those of you who missed it, I left him my email Sunday night. Monday morning at 9:30 I get an email stating name, age and saying that he knew who'd put the email there.

Things seemed relatively normal, though he did mention right away that he was strange. I mentioned right away that I wasn't single.

Luckily I was careful and used a different email than the one connected to this blog but the first thing he did was look up my email handle and found my Instagram account and told me he'd seen my pictures... who does that? who stalks you and then tells you? Plus I was paranoid he'd found the blog... ok, so it wasn't the greatest start.... I mean honestly, I might look you up, but I don't normally go and tell you I've done it.

It's hard to describe the back and forth of these emails, it went for the entire day of Monday and part of Tuesday mostly describing ourselves in terms of who we are and what we like.

This guy likes sports, traveling, he's single, he lives with his dad (he's 35... bad sign) in the country, he says he doesn't have many real friends (I think I know why). He says he has always wanted to open a country house for tourists as a B&B but "none of his ex girlfriends supported him with the idea".... he also has 9 rifles and 3 handguns (!?!?!)......... he likes to hunt. He even joked saying if he ever got disgruntled he could blow everyone up USA style... yeah... Ha Ha funny.... I'm laughing on the inside buddy.

He immediately asked me for naked pictures and has made jokes about starting his B&B breakfast with me and even marrying me. When I told him that I wasn't planning on leaving the boyfriend just yet he got kind of pissy and wanted to end the conversations. I was actually happy to, but then he came back saying that all he really wanted was to meet me in person and that he hadn't made "who knows what plans" about me n' him in his head.

I told him that it would be difficult to meet but that I might be able to manage something at some point but that I'm shy and I need time to process things.

His response?  "Don't worry about being shy, as soon as you say hi I'll stick my tongue in your mouth and that'll cure your shyness". It was followed by a smiley face. What makes it worse is that the stupid emoticons he uses look evil.

That's the one right there... evil looking after a sentence like that...

So now I'm kinda stuck. I'll probably have to meet the guy in person, but I'm trying to figure out how to do it in a public place like a cafe so that he can't stick his tongue down my throat. Maybe I can procrastinate enough and he'll let go of the idea.

Maybe I can piss him off and not meet him... hmmm

Problem is if I piss him off and it goes wrong, it could go really wrong and he could be knocking on my door or something. He works in front of my building. He more or less knows where I live.

I'll just have to play things out until they fizzle, which hopefully will happen sooner than later...

In other unfortunate news the apartment has definitively fallen through. I got a really nice email from the owner who I'd left a note for in his mailbox asking him to contact me. I wanted to make sure the news was true. He was super apologetic and said that if anything at all changed he'd let me know, but that it likely wouldn't happen.
The agency was equally nice and said that she was already in touch with other agencies that they work with to see if there's anything else that might suit my needs.

To be honest the whole thing has upset me a fair amount. I cried when I received the two emails and even now when I write this it gets me to the verge of tears. I was so close. It's the frustration that really gets me emotionally. Plus my mind does things it shouldn't do, like think, "what if I'd said yes right away", "what if I'd paid immediately, as soon as I'd seen it"... all this wouldn't have happened.

Back to the drawing board.

Getting off

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The Conversations and Office guy news.

It was a rough but bearable week.

Bf and I did a lot of talking. We talked about fidelity and we talked about our sex life. We talked about future plans and his ideas for the near future. It was interesting, and we've been getting along very well these days.

He has made up his mind that I need to do this, I need to live on my own. He also said that once I've gotten my bearings then maybe we can take steps forward again.

We talked about our minimal sex life and the reasons why there is some lack of energy on both our parts to make things work. He also talked about guys he knows who cheat on their wives, prostitutes or lovers, most guys seem to cheat, but he says he's of the old standard and would never do that to me. I did say though that if he had cheated on me that I wouldn't blame him, but that I'd probably be upset. He, on the other hand said he wouldn't be able to handle the news of me cheating on him.

I did ask him outright if he had someone else. I told him that, for a long time, I knew he hadn't had anyone else but that recently I thought that he might have found someone. He denied it. He didn't ask me outright if I had someone else.

He said that if I hadn't said anything about moving out he might have asked if I wanted to take a 6 month sabbatical to travel. He isn't convinced he wants to stay in this country, so by travelling he might find some place he likes more.

During the first conversation we had he even cried, though he tried not to let me notice. But he admitted that he had always been more worried about costs and saving money than our happiness together. He said that he realized how things may have been different had we had a bigger place where I could work and do my own thing in a separate part of the house. His fear of spending the extra cash kept us from that.

We went to an office the day I got told about the apartment possibly falling through. We talked to the lawyer about our contract and what we would have to do if one or the other moved out but bf also asked about this new system they have here. They have these construction co-ops that build and then rent or lease to own at very reasonable prices and since you don't directly deal with the banks the rates are much better than normal mortgages and rents. It's worth looking into, however I'm a little worried that bf is looking for alternatives to me moving out. I'm still sure I want to move out.

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OK so totally off topic. I left my email address for Office Guy... He'll see it tomorrow morning unless I get cold feet and take it down this evening.

falling through...

I am so tired of this country. I want to bury myself under the sand in some warm desert somewhere.

I cried yesterday. I got an email saying that the owner of the apartment had a family member interested, an aunt, they said. They'll know more by next week and let me know.

I have been advised, by a close friend to go knock on the guy's door to see if it's true. Maybe it's the agency that's really just taking me for a ride and fucking me over.

The worst part is that I was already thinking about how I'd decorate. The fact that I told bf doesn't help either. Now it feels like I'm forced to pull back from my decision.

I emailed them on Tuesday saying that I'd like the floor plans and once I had that I'd stop by to pay the down payment. She answered that there was no rush that they weren't going to show the apartment to anyone until I'd said a definitive yes or no. In my next email I said that I had decided for a yes.

Thursday I get the email saying that there's a chance he'll give it to his aunt.

In the meantime I've had two significant conversations with the bf but I'm just so tired that I can't be bothered to write about them. They were important, they were interesting, we even talked about cheating and stuff, but I can't write it out now. Maybe later this evening, maybe tomorrow.

I just feel so frustrated.

Maybe I should just put everything into storage and go travelling and never come back.

Thanks and Office Guy

Thanks everyone for such lovely comments in the last post. I rely on those comments. They make my day, they make me smile and they make me feel good for what I'm doing.

Things have been going well. Bf and I are getting along, no arguments, lots of laughing and joking. We're better than ever, you could say. We'll see how things pan out in the long run. We haven't really talked about practical stuff much so I'm a little concerned there may be some tension there.

The only time I've noticed tension was yesterday when he said he was going out for a smoke. He doesn't smoke, at least not in front of me. And when he does it in front of me it means he's having a hard time dealing with stuff. His smoking has always been a bone of contention between us. He was supposed to have quit years ago, but every once and a while I'll find out he's still smoking. Often it's around the time that things are rough between us.

This time though he came up to me and said, I'm going out to have a smoke because I'm feeling a bit nerve wracked. I asked him when he'd bought the pack of smokes and he said "last month". But this is the first time smokes were even mentioned since I tried to break up with him last winter. During that last episode he promised he would quit, (again), and he'd be honest with me about starting again.... all things that never happened apparently.

I'm ignoring that of course. I could care less right now.

On a brighter note he's gone into an office here that helps renters with understanding their contracts. He wants to understand ours and how it works for giving notice and such. This is somewhat big news. It means he's not pulling back, or in denial. He has accepted things fully.

We both seem to have lightened up a lot. We're quite at ease with each other these days. I can't tell what will happen with our relationship. I believe there's a 50/50 chance of things going either way.

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Office Guy

On a totally different note, there was a small event that happened last Friday just before the big news with bf. 

So I had to go by Office Guy's window twice that day, the first time he was standing somewhere towards the middle of his office, and he caught sight of me out of the corner of his eye I guess, because he walked over to the window and smiled. That made me turn my head and smile at him. The second time round he was sitting at his desk as usual but he waved which made me turn around and laugh.

I've told him.

Today he woke me up at 9 because yesterday I'd told him that we could go to one of the malls for the sales today.

Once I was up I was determined to just spit it out. When got to him, he was sitting at the computer, he turned immediately to ask me for help so I sat down and helped him with what he was trying to do.

I kept finding a moment that I could tell him but nothing would come out.

When I sat in the spare room with the cat that visits us, he came in and stroked my face saying that I had an odd look on my face this morning. He asked me what was wrong and I just spilled the beans.

The first thing he said was "you decided without me?", then he asked how long ago I'd seen the apartment. The truth came out, but it was an altered version of the truth.

I never got into how many apartments I'd seen. I just said that I'd stopped in with an agency ages ago and hadn't heard back from them until 2 weeks ago, which is the truth. I contacted the agency months ago, during the summer, and they only showed me one other apartment in september. So in effect I hadn't heard from them in ages.

I told him that I saw the apartment twice, that the first time I wasn't sure about it, and with the second viewing I'd made up my mind. I also told him that I hadn't told him about the first viewing because I wanted to be sure of myself before going to him with it. I openly told him that I didn't know how he was going to react, whether he was going to try to talk me out of it which is why I hadn't come to him with it before. He wasn't entirely hurt that I hadn't told him, he understood. I asked him if he was upset, and he said "goodness no", but he did say that he had hoped that we could have faced it together.

I asked him what he thought he might do, and he reminded me that he had only just found out so he needed to think about it. He mentioned he'd seen a place advertised that he could afford a while back. Which means he'd been looking too.

One of the first things he said was that he was expecting it. It wasn't much of a surprise. He also said that it was probably for the best, he said that he found things a little precarious considering I'd made my mind up a while back, he knew I wouldn't change my mind that easily.

We talked a little about the cost of the place and the layout, but he didn't ask a lot of questions. He just said that I'd have to work to maintain it. That if I set my mind on working that I'd be able to pull it off. I guess he was trying to be reassuring.

At this point I don't know whether he thinks we're splitting up or not. He pecked me on the cheek (I have a cold sore right now) before going to work so he's not upset, perhaps shaken, but not upset or angry. I'm shaken too. I feel like crying but I haven't cried. I don't think I will until perhaps I talk about it in person with someone... and even then maybe nothing will happen.

I won't get into relationship stuff with him right now. I don't want to know, I want to see how things proceed. I want to let things evolve naturally. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to leave it though, because people will ask questions once the news gets out.

I haven't abandoned the theory that he might have something on the side, I've even considered outright asking him, though I won't. I don't know if it's an outright affair, but possibly someone he has his eyes on. It could be another reason why he accepted things so easily.

Counsellor

I think she felt like she got it all wrong. The counsellor's hands went to her hair when I told her that I had kept bf in the dark about the apartment hunt.

We talked, it was semi-useful, but I didn't get what I went for really. Or maybe I did and I just don't see it yet.
I was expecting advice in how to proceed with the bf. She did give me a lot of advice but it was, in my humble opinion, all wrong. She told me to simulate my decision making process all over again but verbally with bf. So to tell him that I'm thinking about getting a place, then after a while tell him that I'm going to look at some places, then tell him that I've found a place after another while...

Doesn't make sense to me, I might have just as well done that from the beginning, I can't rightly simulate it all now.

No, I think I'll just have to out it plain and simple.

She did give me some good pointers though. She said it's important that I keep the conversation focused on me and my stuff, to keep blame out of it completely, if anything is said regarding bf it should be positive and praising. She was adamant that I tell him I have friends and family supporting me and helping me, so that he doesn't feel the urge or possibility to help. She said that his need to help me is a control tactic. I didn't realize that but now that she mentions it, it makes sense. (I give in to that a lot, I possibly (probably) put that out as well, in that I look for men who want to help).

She also said that I have unconsciously adapted to bf and the silent choices he has made for himself. I never really harped on him to get a better job or to get more financial stability to buy a house or anything like that (apparently most Italian women would have). I could use that to my favor and tell him that he will need to adapt to my needs right now. Or rather that I need to concentrate on what I want out of my life.

She was helpful regarding the agency too, she said that if I'm really interested in the apartment to call them and tell them that outright and tell them that I'll bring the money by soon.

So I guess that's the plan.
Call the agency and let them know without paying immediately.
Within the next couple of days I'll tell him.

It is going to take some time I think. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to manage it, but I will.

BF facts

Here are some facts about BF:

He's not an intellectual
-he has read one or two books in his life, and one was for school.
-he doesn't know the difference between Gaudì and Dalì though he may know who Picasso is.
-he doesn't know the difference between the doors and the Rolling Stones, though he knows almost every italian singer and songwriter from the 60's up to the mid 80s.

-he's a great cook
-he can cook just about anything.
-he doesn't bake, except pizza.
-he is extremely hospitable, as are most southern men.
-he will give you anything he has in the house to eat.
-he especially likes to show off his own skills in the kitchen but even more than that he loves sharing his mother's homemade products, salami, sun dried tomatoes, olives, pickled eggplant, hot sauce...

-he loves to eat
-he loves wine
-he drinks a couple glasses of wine at noon, but not always at dinner.
-his favourite thing is to have a sandwich around 10 am with a glass of beer, though he rarely does it.
(this goes back to when he grew up picking olives in the countryside. They would go early, 5am-ish and have lunch at 10 with sandwiches and wine or beer.)

-he cleans the house (except for dusting, the bathroom and the bedroom)
-washes the floor two or three times a week

-he sweeps and washes the floors in the mornings
-he goes grocery shopping late mornings
-he sleeps almost every afternoon

-he takes the garbage out
-does the laundry
-does most of the cooking
-does the grocery shopping
-cleans and feeds the parrot

-he sings constantly and he's often out of tune, but not always.
-he is capable of singing the same line of the same song for days.
-I got him singing lessons for christmas one year but they were useless, he didn't comprehend almost anything that he was told.

-up until fairly recently he refused to learn English.
-once he decided to try he also decided he didn't want my help.
-the only reason why he's learning now is because he feels uncomfortable with our friends who all speak English.

-he works out every other morning to keep his weight at bay
-his weight generally yo-yos
-he is in fairly good shape
-he has a nice body
-he has a great ass
-he is balding slightly at the crown
-he adores his hair
-he is going slightly grey at the temples
-he is otherwise jet black in winter that bleaches quite a bit in summer.
-he is always tanned
-he is darker than an egyptian in summer.

Inertia Creeps

Inertia Creeps is a song by Massive Attack, one of my all-time favourite bands. It's a song that makes me want to have sex with Rob. There's something about the drums at the beginning, the rhythm that could be either fast or slow, but it's sexy as hell. Even a simple strip tease would be hot to this music.
The influence isn't hard to recognize once you know where it's from, it was inspired by turkish belly dancing music.





I went and looked at the lyrics and they seem slightly erotic, but at the same time you realize there's something just... dark about them. I think it's the word 'creeps', it's not really a nice word.

I was curious about the meaning and came across this interview on a blog:

3D on the meaning behind Inertia Creeps – “It was just about a relationship I had been going through. It’s about being in a situation but knowing you should be out of it but you’re too fucking lazy or weak to leave. And you’re dishonest to yourself and dishonest to the other person. You’re betraying them everyday and the whole scene feels like it’s closing in on you. The idea is a combination of movements propelling yourself forward and pulling yourself back at the same time. That’s what the track’s, about—a fucked up relationship basically and there it is.” [Innerviews.org – September 1998]   (Blog where I found it: http://massiveattack.ie/wiki/inertia-creeps/)

Funny, isn't it?... synchronicity I guess. I can't say I feel the way he does, but it pretty much describes my situation.

As I was doing my research and watching the above video, I got distracted by this:



Yes it's the original grumpy cat.

Good News and not so Good News.

I went back to see the apartment yesterday. I froze my butt off in the process because I wanted to have a look around the area. I rode my bike up  but it was so cold that day not to mention it was drizzling.

The apartment was pretty much as I remembered it. This time I took more notice of the spaces and details. There are doors, for example, on all the rooms, except the wall that divides the living room and the office, which is good.

It was a little smaller than I remembered it. Though I think appearances can be deceiving because they are furnished spaces and most of the furnishings will be going. They will be sending me the floor plans soon.

I'm only aware of a couple negative things. One is that the building is on the corner of a very quiet street and a fairly busy street. The busy one is supposed to get quiet in the evening, but talking to a man who lived down the road he said that daredevil drivers will drive down at ungodly speeds during the night, he said around one every 2 hours. Now, I may not need to worry much, 1) because the bedroom window isn't on that street, it's on the side of the building one of the furthest rooms from the street, and 2) because the place is airconditioned so there will be little need to keep the windows open at night. However I do like to sleep with a bit of a breeze in summer.

The other thing is that I had imagined the garage would be a good storage space. But upon better inspection, two of the walls are unusable, one because there's a sliding garage door that runs along the wall. And the other of course is the garage door. The back wall is almost useless seeing as it is the walkway between the garage and the "laundry room".

So I basically have only a wall and a half to be able to get shelving systems for. Either that or I set something up in the middle of the room... since I don't have a car to put in there. There is no place for storage upstairs either.

The good news is that the agent told me I have priority on the place. The owner wants me in there. She said that if anyone is interested I'll be the first one to know. They'll ask me what I want to do. So I have some time.

I'll be going to see my counselor this friday to get a game plan in mind, that should help me figure out how to go about breaking the news to bf and what order to do things in.

The bad news is financial news of course. So the cost of the place will be €6800 a year just for rent, including condo fees. Legally I am only allowed to make €5000 a year. I can't rightly explain how I can afford an apartment and bills that amount to €7000 a year. The only thing I can try to do is make up the rest of the cost by selling art (which I can now do because I technically opened a business). If I can manage to sell stuff for at least the remainder, then I'll be ok.

I guess this will be the deciding factor on whether I'll be able to make some money from my art.

The financial stuff will not be a deciding factor right now. I have some money saved up, so I'm not really worried about it. But I am aware that it may become a problem in the near future.

"This is What you Do to Me"

A morning last week I got an email:

'Woke up horny thinking about plunging my cock into you.' 

I was working sporadically that day so I had time to check my emails between lessons.

I don't even have to read the email; just the sight of the new message in his special folder turns me on. Granted it's not always something as sexy as this. Sometimes it's just a hi but I always get wet seeing it. It's an automatic reaction.

'mmmmmmmm which part of me?'

'Your tight pussy xxx'

'Excellent xxx'

'I can't believe how horny I am I just want to wank my cock really hard'

'So why don't you? I thought you'd have it taken care of by now.'

'I'm at work Hun lol'

'So can I sneak into your work station and get my mouth around you then?'

'Yeah I might send you a pic of the aftermath this afternoon!!!'

'Mmm yum!'

'I'm going to get home take a shower, then shave the hair on my cock and balls. The vibrations of the electric shaver will get me super hard then I'll lie back watch some porn on my phone whilst I stroke my big throbbing hard cock. When I cum I'll put my finger over the end so I spray cum all down the shaft and over my hand, I'll take a couple of pics and send you the best one'

'ohhfuckthat'sHot. That will cause a chain reaction, and I'll be wet and in a state until I can get myself off this evening.'

'I can't remember the last time I was this horny'

By this point I was dripping, I was expecting a student any moment. I was hidden in the spare room where I teach, on the bed with the computer on my thighs and one had pressing my clit to ease the tension. The next email had an attachment.

I opened it to find exactly what he'd described. His rock hard cock in his hand with the gorgeous definition of his veins and smooth head, perfectly drizzled with his milky white cum. It literally looked like melting ice-cream covered with vanilla syrup.

'This is what you do to me'   It read.

'Ooooh fuck, I could lick that like an ice-cream. Looks soooo goood!'

I got lucky that afternoon. My last student cancelled and bf headed off to work. Needless to say as soon as I had a moment I used his lovely picture to finish myself off. I didn't need any extra stimuli. I slipped my hand into my leggings, under my sweater-dress and circled my clit before delving in.

Images of him standing above me, like the first time we had sex in Nottingham, stroking himself while looking down upon my naked body. My head tilting back in expectation asking him to cum for me; waiting for the shower of boiling hot cum to spray over my tits and neck, a second wave across my lips and chin. My hands rubbing over my breasts feeling them slip over my nipples wet with cum.
Waves of spasms gripped my body as the images of that scene faded.

*having written it out has gotten me right back into that state... and I may well have pull that picture up  again*

Addressing Reality

So I guess I wanted to answer some of the comments from the last post.

Johanna:
You are exactly right and I am following this same frame of mind for now. My father and my best friend all agree with this perspective. It's very backwards thinking for this very catholic country, but it is, as you say, the only way I can be happy and figure out what I really want.

Advizor: Yes, just as with Johanna, I am taking things seriously and I think that this move will also jump start the bf into action as well. I think.... it could be useful to him. Though as my neighbour told me today, maybe bf doesn't want action. Maybe he's happy where he is. To me it's unfathomable to sit and just live a life without a goal, but our neighbour thinks that it could very well be the case.

Malcom: The dynamic has been going on for a long time and I have written about it over the years, but I understand that it would be impossible to figure it all out. I tried breaking up with the bf a year ago and I got talked out of finding my own place. I fear it may happen again and so I have decided not to discuss it with him. I hate it. I hate not being able to tell him, but it's the only way to go about it. I will just have to figure out the best way to break it to him. That is going to be the most difficult part.

Tom: The apartment was found through an agency and I believe it's them looking for the downpayment to block the apartment so that they don't show it to others. I will try to talk to the agent once again about lowering the price, I may have some leverage but it's unlikely. Fact is, it's not that big of a difference and I am getting to the point that I doubt I will find exactly what I need. When I saw the place it was like getting punched in the stomach. It was that "gut" feeling my dad is always telling me about. I need to follow it.

I talked to my neighbour about it today too. I wanted to get his opinion and any important factor I may have overlooked. His biggest concern is of course my telling the bf and I think the fact that I haven't told him in advance is going to be the hardest obstacle to overcome.

He's going to be angry that I didn't tell him about it. He may pretend not to be angry about my getting a place. I need to prepare for him to say I was dishonest with him. I have some ideas, but I doubt they will count much, when push comes to shove. I think I'll just have to come out with it and bear the consequences.

Apartment news

I emailed the agent about the apartment today. I had some questions regarding doors on the rooms and some other minor things. I also asked her if she thought the owner would come down with the price a bit and she basically said that there was no room for negotiation. I may have the opportunity to ask again though so I might do that when I see her next.

The apartment doesn't free up until April or May and they want a downpayment if I'm interested. I asked her what percentage I'd lose if something happened between now and April and she said 100%.
A lot can happen between now and April, it's 4 months away.

I don't know what could possibly happen between now and April that might deter me wanting to get my own place. I am afraid of something coming up around the bf of course, like him asking me to marry him or realizing how much I mean to him and deciding that he suddenly wants to get down and start a family, but even then, would those be reason enough to compromise my own sanity/happiness? I don't think it will happen and I don't think it would deter me from wanting my own place. I also don't think it would be fair of him to drop that kind of thing when I make the decision to move out, not to mention dumb of me to accept.

I think more than anything the down payment scares me because it is forcing me into a decision right away; and while I see all these reasons why it could be a problem, I also realize that it's just me feeling scared and not so much the downpayment that's the problem. The down payment is just what I need to force me into the decision.

I'll be seeing the apartment again on Monday, and I think at that point I'll ask her how much time I have to think about it.

An Apartment!

I just saw an apartment I liked. The first and only one I've liked out of many. It would be perfect. The price is good and I might be able to make an offer. The only downside is that it's slightly further away from the town centre than I'd like.... but not so far that I'm not considering it. I'd say it's about a 15 minute bike ride into town compared to my current 3 minute walk. On the upside it's almost next door to my good friends who used to live next door to us here, so I'd have company really close by.

The place is semi furnished. It has a small but workable kitchen with a table and tiny balcony. The kitchen unit is new as are the appliances plus there's a dishwasher (yay).
There's a large living room and a joining room that can be used as an extra bedroom, a workroom or an office. The apartment has airconditioning and central heating as well as heating from the airconditioning unit.

The bathroom is small, and only has a shower, but I'm going to have to make a compromise somewhere. I'd love to have a place with a bathtub. The bathroom was recently redone and has a window which is a huge plus in this country.

The bedroom is relatively small, but it's ok. I mean it fits a double bed and a wardrobe unit which takes up the wall behind the bed. The wall in front of the bed is covered in a giant mirror which I hope they'll leave, it makes me wet just looking at it, and there's a matching mirror in the nook behind the bed under the wall unit.

The best part of this whole thing is that the apartment sits above a ground level garage and laundry room. The garage is small and would fit one small car, I'd use it as storage space. The laundry room is about the same size but has a fireplace (!) a large sink and a washing machine. It would be the perfect place to set up workroom. The ceiling is low, but it could definitely work. Plus the water boiler is down there so it seems to heat the little space a bit.

The condo has a huge garden out back, which is accessible by the main entrance hallway and by the garage door.

Now the question is what's the next step. It won't free up until April or May... but I do think I'll make an offer on it. The price is €550 a month plus €200 a year in condo fees... it's a tiny condo with four units, one of which is empty. I may ask if they can give it to me for €500. There's no harm trying.

I think I'll talk to my upstairs neighbour to see what he thinks... Maybe I'll even make an appointment with my counsellor see what she thinks I should do first.

The whole thing kinda scares me. I had a couple of minor panic attacks this morning just after I saw the place. The thought that this is becoming realer scares the living daylights out of me but in a good way. It's the prospects of new beginnings.

tempting.... so tempting.....

Office Guy
I've been thinking about contacting Office Guy. That doesn't mean I will. I've just been fantasizing about it.... there would be a stupid but fun way to leave him a small note.

In front of his window there's a metal guardrail of sorts. It would be fairly easy to tape something there. He'd probably notice it right away and it would be hidden from public view.

Sometimes I think of leaving him my email, but I don't want to start things off with him in the local language, and him contacting me would automatically set the tone. I'd rather start off in English. It's a bit of a power trip on my part I guess. I could leave him the name of a song or something though instead, then maybe he'd get the idea and leave me his email address.

Like I said, it's all conjecture. It's just random stuff I make up in my brain when it goes into overdrive. It's highly unlikely I'll do anything of the sort. On the other hand I realize that if I do leave him an email it would probably be safer in the long run. I won't have to worry about him coming running out of his office to talk to me, and I can warn him right away that I have a bf.

I walked past Friday early afternoon and he kinda caught me off guard. I wasn't really expecting to see him, I see him in the mornings, rarely in the afternoons, but he caught me right away. He had a silly smile on his face. It had me laughing and grinning for the rest of the day.

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BF - Apartment hunt
Bf and I had a stupid problem turn into a fiasco this weekend. We think we may have a leak behind our bathroom wall. Our bedroom wall shares the bathroom wall, and to boot it's the wall that our wardrobe unit is on. It's an wardrobe that we bought relatively cheap when we moved into this place. But all our stuff towards bf's end of the thing has all gone mildewy.

All of this means that we've had to move ALL of our stuff out of the wardrobe. I've been going through it all, throwing stuff away... I feel like I'm moving, and I'm using that perspective as I go through stuff. I've even thrown out my old black leather jacket... yeah I used to wear one.... the kind with all the zippers and pins and stuff. Very 90's. Throwing stuff away is a bit traumatic. I hate doing it. I feel like I need company. I need a good friend to come keep me company as I do it, I need her to remind me that I don't need that stuff and that it's ok to throw it out. My best friend and I used to do that together all the time. Go through each other's wardrobes and just do a good cleaning out. It's so much easier with company. I miss it.

Monday I have an appointment to see another apartment. Here's to hoping it's nice and not too far from where I work. I'm really getting antsy to move. I get close to telling bf about my plans. I mistakingly let out a phrase that possibly went unnoticed the other day, but it was something like "when I get my own place I'll have the heating on all the time and I won't invite any of you". It was referring to the fact that bf tends to want to keep the heating on low and I'm always cold, a friend of ours was here that day and they were joking about it. My comment didn't get any response at all. But I do think that bf has started to wonder if I'm up to something.