Tuesday, April 19, 2016

What is Love?

What is love to you, personally, right in this moment?

I think for everyone it's different and it's never constant. I believe it fluctuates regularly to the point that it can change subtly many times over a very brief period. However the main concepts for any given person will probably stay relatively static over longer periods of time, but even those can change, especially with important events or game changers.

Over the years I've written about love more than once because it's a topic that confuses me and I struggle to understand it. I am just grasping now that it's ok for me to feel like it's not a constant. It is not one thing. It is many. And depending on your mood, state of mind, situation etc, it evolves.

Some of the aspects that surface for me are things like friendship, complicity, desire, communication, and mutual respect. But one of the most important factors I've recently pinpointed is altruism. That instinct to let go of your own needs and desires to benefit the other. The funny thing is I think the feeling of altruism is strongest at the beginning of a relationship. I say this based on personal experience (so I don't know if this is true for everyone). I used to feel more altruistic towards the bf but recently I've felt the need to think more about myself. And I think that is ok in a sense. I think that people should look after themselves before they look after others. Compromise is often the solution to excessive altruism, but the intense feeling that someone would be better off without you because you complicate their lives is one of the strongest point for love I think. This is obviously an extreme example. There are smaller acts of altruism but I just need to convey the principle and it so happens to be one of the most powerful instances of altruism I have ever felt.
I think where people mess up the most though, including myself, is confusing the concept of love with the chemical reaction in your brain. And they are definitely connected, the chemical reaction spurs reactions and those connect to decisions. Domino effect. The intense feeling of desire and lust and caring, I think, are often just spikes in chemicals whereas love is simply what you do with those spikes, the decisions you make. Not only that but the concept of love is also what is left over when the spikes lessen or disappear completely. The longer we are in a relationship the less those spikes appear so it all depends on how we proceed in the relationship when the spikes are gone. 

This was analytical. Possibly cold. It's how my brain processes information best I find. I get very confused when chemicals take over. I need to stop and process things. When chemicals are strong my brain doesn't seem to work. It breaks down, it loses all reason. It's hard to stop and think. I only manage after they wear off. I imagine it's the same for everyone.

Sunday, April 17, 2016


Words will never convey exactly what you mean, whether written or spoken. Communication is so utterly flawed. People will always read into things based on their own experiences and beliefs. They will never fully understand you. 

When I write I feel this desire to be as clear and precise as possible, choosing exact words to convey a very specific meaning or feeling but everyone perceives words differently. Everyone has a different perception, a different emotional experience with any given word. 
They will only understand what their emotional experiences let them. 

Concepts work much the same way, we read into a basic concept bearing with it so much personal emotional background. There's no way any individual will ever fully understand what's going on. 

Is it a waste to try? No, probably not. But it's immensely frustrating as a writer to have that epiphany. 

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

WTF day

Day 1, I went in to work after the Easter break, Co-W was fucking horny or something because he kept flirting, and hard. He slapped my ass. He grabbed my face by the chin and stared at me, he grabbed my arms, waist and ribs at various times. He came up to me from behind as I was bent over a table, he grabbed both my hips, and edged his way next to me to talk to me when I stood up. He smelled me, more than once, coming up to me to smell my neck. He blatantly asked me if he could lick all the way up my back and neck. The whole thing was intense and hard to ignore.

Day 2, he had obviously had a horrible discussion with our boss on day 1 after I left because he exploded at some random moment on day 2. We were outside and he just started blurting out all sorts of stuff about how tired he is of working there, that our boss is a bitch and horrible and all sorts of insults. He yelled at me saying that I was indulging her in her horrible habits by not speaking out against the bullshit she does. He blew right up. He even pounded the table next to us with his fist so loud and hard that I jumped.
I take him with a grain of salt a lot of the time when he goes off. He blows off steam but I don't often take it seriously. Today I was caught off guard. It was such a violent outburst, some of which was aimed at me, that I eventually walked away because I couldn't talk to him in a normal way. Once inside we didn't talk for a bit, apart from work related stuff and I was working on the computer so I had something to concentrate on. Later he came up to me and gave me a hug and apologized and said that I wasn't the problem.
When people apologize to me I tend to go soft and want to cry, it's a release of tension from the anger, fear, frustration I had buried and hidden inside. Tears welled in my eyes but I kept working. I concentrated on what I was doing and the sensation went away.
It really sucks being yelled at when you haven't done anything to deserve it.

If I think back on it though it hurts. I'm in a slightly over emotional state/heightened emotional state right now so that certainly doesn't help either.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Made for Me.

Have you ever gotten off to a video of yourself getting off? 

Rob broke his wrist about a month ago. (Wow time flies. I had barely realised it's been that long.) A broken wrist means that he has a lot of time to spare. He's likely been a little down and out, hard to get much of anything done with your right hand in a cast, I'd personally go nuts. Not being able to do any craft or drawing or playing of instruments or even typing properly.

Anyhow I sent him a song that he made on my phone while we were together last. It was a rainy day and we spent the evening playing with Garage Band on my iPhone. He created a couple simple songs that took him forever. I helped him figure out the program a little.
Fast forward to the other day, I was in Garage Band playing around and I realised his songs were still there so I sent him one.

He promptly downloaded it and proceeded to make a great song, something that was way beyond what I'd have expected for his second try on the app. It was very trip hop cool. Just a great Massive Attack style song.

The next day, as I'm finishing up at work, I receive an email with another song. There's a warning that says explicit lyrics and I figure, maybe he's inserted some rap fragments into the song. I get to the car, turn my bluetooth on and decide I want to hear the song on a "real" stereo. Next thing I know I'm blushing, laughing and hiding my face in my hands. I was alone, but the song caught me so off guard that I couldn't help myself. It was a song, with a sort of slow techno beat, layered on top is my voice. It's an audio clip I sent him of me talking while I get myself off. I'm saying all sorts of random stuff that comes to mind, dirty, dirty slutty stuff I want him to do to me. He remixed it, added effects and basically had my voice layered and repeating. It was insane. Not only was I flushed with embarrassment from hearing my own voice, (something that I generally don't like hearing) but I was turned on. It was strange how my own voice could possibly turn me on.

Then there's the fact that he even thought of doing this in the first place. It just made me want him in front of me so I could fuck him right then and there.

He sent me another email, another version of the same audio clip with a different background music, just as good, this time with a funkier beat, not as slow, a little more porn movie style yet tasteful. Next thing I know he's asking me if he could use images and clips of me to make a little movie.

Bring it on. Of course.

Today after some fiddling with Dropbox he sent me the video. First time watching, my reaction was similar to my reaction to the song, embarrassment, flushing red, my hand over my mouth, laughing and not quite believing my eyes. He'd rummaged through old emails and found a bunch of old pics and clips of me getting myself off. He artfully blended them together in a seamless clip set to his background music of me whispering what I want him to do to me.

I was in the middle of having lunch the first time I watched it but as soon as I finished I moved to the couch to watch it again, and again and again. 4 times got me off hard. Admittedly it's strange getting off to scenes of yourself and your own voice. I've done it before, gotten off to basic simple clips of myself, but when it's remixed and essentially made by someone else there's something unique about that experience. It's a sort of melding of two brains.

Despite the horny, slutty effects of the video, I couldn't help get teary with happiness when I first watched the video. The titles and hidden gems in the video just made it that much better. It is by far the sweetest, most thoughtful thing anyone has ever made for me. Sure it's naughty and slutty but it was made just for me.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Ghosts from the past.

So ages ago when I first started this blog I told a series of stories about past boyfriends and lovers and today while I was in the shower, for some odd reason someone popped into my mind who I hadn't thought of in decades.

The story begins with an odd intro mind you, it's not a happy intro but it does explain some things and well it helps exorcise my demons a little.

When I was in Jr. High I was fund raising for a school trip, by jumping around on the side of the road advertising a car wash we were doing with a friend of mine. We were goofy kids doing a Can-Can but it got clients in. At some point that day a man came by and asked me if I could help him learn English, he was Asian, I imagined Chinese. I was flattered and somewhat uncertain of the whole thing but I told him that I would talk to my parents about it and he could leave me his phone number. Keen on making some extra cash I ran to my parents and asked them if I could tutor this guy and long story short they met him and decided it was ok. He was in his mid 40s I think and I was in Jr high so that would make me 14 or so.

The lessons took place at his apartment. The first lesson was fine. We talked and when he had difficulty with certain words I helped him out, spelling things and explaining their meaning.
The second lesson got weird. Very weird. He asked if he could send his family in China some pictures of us together. He set up a tripod and sat me on his couch, sat next to me with his arm around me and took our picture, then another, then another, each one getting stranger in positions. I don't remember the full sequence of pictures, I just remember the last one where he had me lay down on the couch and pulled my sweater off my shoulder, and then he came over and laid on top of me trying to kiss me. I got up at that point and told him I had to leave. I promptly left.

I was shaking, afraid and disgusted. I hated him for taking advantage of me. I told my friends but dared not tell my parents. The story pretty much ended there. There were attempts to get my attention again but I ignored them.

This put me in an odd state of hatred toward Asian men. I have never been racist but I had a distinct turn off for Asian men. There was no way in hell I'd ever be attracted to a random Asian guy. A friend possibly but not if someone walked up to me in a bar.

Years later, when I was 18 I worked for a souvenir shop downtown run by an older Asian man. My manager was a young guy though, maybe 5 years older than me with a steady girlfriend he had a love hate relationship with but eventually ended in an engagement.
Peter was Vietnamese, he was fairly good looking but he didn't have the greatest skin. When I first started working there I was not attracted to him due to my fear of Asian men. I slowly warmed up to his personality though, he had a good sense of humour and he was generally nice as a boss. He would occasionally flirt. It was generally very subtle flirting mind you and I didn't always catch on.

The shop was quite big with a total of 5 stores, some of which were connected and one that wasn't. I worked in the one that was detached from the others, It also happened to be the one that had his office just above the store. There was a door just in front of the cashier counter, a staircase behind it and at the top: a tiny cubicle of an office with a desk, a computer and a little tv where the CCTV played non stop.

I knew there were cameras in the place but it wasn't until I got called into Peter's office that I realized that he could watch his staff. The cameras were pointed at the counters where we stood.

One day we were alone. It was evening, just before closing. He was in his office and I was cashing out. The doors were locked. He was talking to me through the ceiling (very thin ceiling) as he sometimes did at the end of the day, just our regular banter when there was a pause in the conversation and then he said, quite out of the blue "Do you want to be my lover?"
I stopped dead, smiled, I probably laughed, and said "you've got a girlfriend Peter!" in something that probably sounded halfway between surprise and shock.

I knew he was watching me, I looked up at the camera. I was impressed by his courage / non courage of actually asking me, though doing it behind closed doors when I couldn't see him but he could see me was rather cheeky. It did turn me on immensely though and It was fuel for numerous fantasies of mine, and no doubt his. However nothing happened. We were both very professional and kept our distances.

Shortly before I left at the end of the summer he asked me on a sort of a date. We went for Vietnamese lunch and then a motorcycle ride. It was the first time I'd been on a motorcycle since I was a kid with my dad. This was a racing bike, very sporty, very fast. He gave me his Gf's helmet and told me to hug him very tight but to follow his movements and not to counteract on corners. He took me on a windy-curvy road through the nearby forest full of massive Sequoias and Douglas firs typical of the area I grew up in. It was exhilarating, freezing cold, but I kept very tight to his back. It was comfortable. He wore a sexy, tight leather racing jacket that was white, blue and green. There was no talking. We stopped briefly in  a lot in front of a building to rest. I don't remember exactly anything much, we eventually turned back and that was the end of it. I never saw him again. Not a single kiss. Just a day out on the bike. Neither of us had the courage I guess.

Still I'll never forget him. I kind of regret not having acted on the fantasies. Sometimes I wonder whether people think back the way I do on certain events.