Sunday, July 31, 2011

Home 1

Ok so I made it back to my birth town with bf. Forgive me for any typos as I am writing from my new iPhone. I did say I'd get one. Yay!
The trip has been going better than expected. Bf has been behaving mostly well. I got to see my grandma and my sister, bf is not my sister's biggest fan but he isn't causing too much difficulty. I just know that things could be easier with a native English speaker. Or at least if bf could speak English.
I will update again soon I hope. I am missing the blog world a lot.

Monday, July 25, 2011

New York

How long have we been away for? 4 days?.... yeah well we already got into a massive argument. Things started out ok, we even had sex on our first night in NY but heck... this is not good.

I don't get it. We were under some stress because we got off to a bad start here, the people who were supposed to host us backed out at the last minute... like 11pm on the night before we were leaving home. And luckily they got us a hotel but only for 3 nights and we had to find our own hotel for the rest. We got screwed over by an internet company for hotel bookings, and so there was a stupid, who's to blame game going on yesterday. I was right... bf recognized that afterwards, but in the meantime he told me that I was "completely crazy" and that I should be in a loonie bin. Which I got upset about because I didn't think it was necessary to use insults.

Then our friends took us out to do some sightseeng and were asking him questions about what he wanted to do and see, and he honestly hadn't looked into anything before coming here so he didn't really have any answers. But they kept suggesting things. I was translating everything of course, and they kept asking him questions about what he wanted to do and then he blew up at me saying that why don't I tell them what I want to do he obviously hadn't understood the situation... it was uncomfortable, because they were trying to be nice and it sounded like he was getting angry at them. So they ended up not saying much else on the topic after that.

On the up side I got an iPhone... but I don't have a sim card for it yet so sadly I can't use it.

We have another three days here, we'll see how it goes.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Puzzle solved?

I've had a little opportunity to think in the past day or so. And I may have figured the whole thing out. The whole story with Co-w is getting clearer by the day. I think that I probably knew what was going on, but I was trying to ignore it since I had just gotten back from London with Rob.

A few points first:

- What happened in Greece feels like an unfinished symphony to me. It was beautifully intense, possibly morally worse than sex and I regret not having sex with him to a degree... but not completely. It feels rather unresolved though.

- He has been dropping all sorts of strange questions on me for ages, I'm talking months now. The majority of them were in Greece though and I answered him according to my mental state at that time which was confused because of my time with Rob.

The facts: 

- He asked me if I was in love months ago (mentioned in a blog post... god only knows which one) and I said yes, but I wasn't referring to bf. He asked me again in Greece and I answered "sometimes" (referring specifically to bf this time).

- He told me about his dating mostly Tauruses and Virgos and hinting at the fact that I too am a Taurus.

- He kept insisting on the fact that we have such "a great energy together", within the same context as dating Tauruses and whether I was in love with my bf, same conversation.

- He asked me at least twice in greece (maybe another 2 times in Italy) why I had run my hands through his hair the night of the concert. Once I answered because I just wanted to, and the other because I wanted to tease him. At the second answer he got all reactive and said .... "oooh, now see, that's the kind of answer I was expecting". That second question was while we were in bed on the last night there. The first answer hadn't satisfied him.

- When talking about having sex while in Greece. He asked me quite seriously if we should, and I answered no because "it would be too easy" meaning that it was too obvious. His answer to that was "what? Would it be more challenging in the bathroom at work?" As if to say, better to do it here.

My conclusions:

I think I misread everything. I was totally convinced from the beginning that he didn't want to get into anything with me. There were two things he said that gave me that impression.

- One: at the airport when he said that he was in love with his girlfriend and that he didn't want to get into anything but adding that we were all adults and we are all capable of handling situations.

- Two: in Greece when he said that he's a bastard because he tends to lead people on without actually having a reason to.

Ok, so those are two huge statements against all the pros up top. But please tell me if I'm missing something, doesn't it sound like he's been trying to figure out whether I'd be interested enough in him to drop bf? See... all the puzzle pieces make sense to me now.

I feel like I should outright ask him. Tell him that I'm slow at understanding things. I won't of course go ask him something like that. But this feels kinda big to me. I think I knew it deep down in my gut while we were there. But I was afraid of getting more confused, making my situation worse. I probably was ignoring most signs. But I should have hashed it out directly with him there rather than ignore things and try to piece them together later.

I think his last comment, the one about "going to hell" was that he now feels like I've been leading him on.
And my text saying that I miss him probably confused him, making him think that I'm in love with him. Which is why he told me not to send that kind of message anymore.

I am slow at this kind of thing... I feel kinda dumb really in a certain sense... it seems rather obvious. But on the other I still have my doubts. Huge ones.


I leave for NY tomorrow. I haven't been feeling well, perhaps due to all this thinking. I've been getting minor panic attacks, a three day headache and an upset tummy.
I dreamt about co-w early this morning and woke up feeling unsettled, he had sent me three emails that I wanted to read. I woke up before I could see them. I was sure there would be a love letter among them, admitting all his love for me. I can't get him out of my head and I was tempted to text him today telling him to get out of my head. I still have 2.5 hours before he gets off work... I could still do that. But it's probably not such a good idea.

I will be travelling for 50 days and I don't know how often I'll be able to update. There are portions of our trip where we won't have internet, and other portions where we will have unlimited access. Please forgive my absence!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

random thoughts

I just realized that if I put my birth date in my profile I don't actually have to update it every year.

*brought to you by one sentence posts, like on Facebook*

Monday, July 18, 2011

Go to hell.... or something.

Something happened at work today that has me thinking. It's something that normally wouldn't have me thinking but after Greece things have changed.

The background you'll need is this:
While in Greece Co-worker would often tell me to "go to hell" (which translated correctly should be more like a "fuck you" in English, but the closest easiest translation is go to hell) in a nice friendly joking way. I think he used it when he would get frustrated or turned on by me in general. It generally went like this:  "Cande..... go to hell" followed by a smile, and then I would let some time pass and I would say "Co-Worker.... go to hell" and smile. One rather important episode was the night before we slept together when I was tempted to stay in his room, and he sent me to mine. I reluctantly left, came back for the bottle of water where he grabbed me and held me there and then let me go again. When back in my room, I called to him saying "co-worker" (wait for his "yeah")... "go to hell". And he laughed and said, "yeah, you're right".

Today at work he told me to go to hell (and it wasn't the first time since we got back that he has). And I said "thanks" with a smile. And then I answered, "you too though". And his response was "I've already been... I followed you".

Now what the heck is that supposed to mean?
I'm pretty sure it has a double meaning, because after certain things he'd told me while in Greece I learned that much of what he says has a double meaning or hidden meaning. But I can't tell if he meant it in a good way or negative way.

I'm having a hard time getting him out of my brain. A really hard time. I constantly want to email him or text him or anything at all, but I always resist. It's terrible. I want to ask him about music that he had on his ipod that I'd like to know more about, I want to borrow a cd of his to copy the music onto my ipod, but I never get the chance to ask him in person and I fear doing it via email, afraid that his gf might see it and flip.

ARG.... how frustrating.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Repost HNT


From 2009, Hold oN Tight
I really need to get back to actually TRYING to do nice HNT pics... I just have so little time.


The meeting with Rob today had me in a frenzy. Three orgasms and I could have gone on for 10 more. I only get like that with him. My body just doesn't want to let go of it or something. My clit gets hypersensitive and I reach a series of climaxes... It's not my usual sort of orgasm. I usually collapse and run out of steam after my quiet "alone" orgasms. These are different, they just build and keep me going.

We talked quite a bit before having any fun and he admitted that he has stopped reading my blog. He said that he didn't need to know what was going on in my head. I don't blame him. Especially since the co-worker stuff has been going on. I am a little disappointed though, I liked knowing he was reading and knowing what I thought.

He said he made a conscious decision to stop. I'm assuming it won't change, but I wouldn't put it past him to give it a peek while I'm off on my North Am trip.

When I don't see him for a while I forget what it's like getting off with him... I mean that I can almost do without it. But once I get a taste of it I just want more and more. I know I've said it a million times before, but I love the look he gets on his face when he watches me. I love watching his face after and during and the whole time. Today he got his cock out during my second round and came with me, he's on his iPhone so it's awkward for him to hold and the line went down by mistake just as he came. I continued onto my third orgasm and then he called back half way through that and just watched me, then he ordered me to stop touching, otherwise I'd have gone on for another 10 rounds.

I was looking through some old HNTs today too. I really need to get back into doing some good ones... Perhaps I should repost some for those who are new here... although I'm not sure how many "new" readers I have out there.... Anyhow I think I will repost. I have a favourite :)

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I don't get it...

I don't get it.... I really don't.
So today at work Co-worker said "don't send messages like that" and there was no smile on his face. I immediately smiled and said sorry, but I thought he was talking about the first one the one about having water in my ear, kinda poking fun at him. But he wasn't. He was talking about saying that I miss him...
I mean wtf?
He said that it was a bit heavy to say, making gestures towards his stomach, as if I had hit him or something. And I just answered that it wasn't meant like that, that it was just a general feeling, after 7 days of constant contact. He just said, "I know, but you don't say that you miss me, you say that you're thinking of me or something".
I mean really what is up with that??
I'm just assuming that it's a cultural thing. Maybe saying "I miss you" is more of an indication of being in love than saying "thinking of you".... I'd have said the opposite... But then again I'm not italian.
In any case no harm done, but I do feel like I got punched in the stomach today with that comment. It's frustrating, because I was feeling relieved to have gotten it off my shoulders, and then I get knocked for it.
Hopefully my trip will give me perspective on everything. We're leaving next thursday and time is just moving waaayyyy too fast for me. I can't keep up with work, people, blogs, and packing which I haven't started but have been thinking about for weeks....

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

back on track

So while I was in Greece, that night I spent with Co-worker, the excuse for me to go to his bedroom was that he had water in his ear and he had heard me talking about a diving technique used for when you get a sore ear from the salt water. You can take a spoonful of very warm water mixed with half vinegar and pour it in. It dissolves the salt and dries out the ear and disinfects.
Well since we didn't have any vinegar in the bungalow where we were staying I had to make due with Gin. I figured it would work just the same.... it did work too.

This afternoon while I was at the beach, and Co-Worker was working, I got up the courage to text him saying "Help! I've got water in my ear, have you got any gin ;)"
He wrote back saying "Ehhhhhhhh..."
Now that's a really Italian sound and the meaning totally depends on the intonation. So I wrote back "Sorry, I'm at the beach and it just popped out, it won't happen again, delete everything". I was hoping he was doing a sarcastic "Ehhhhh" in which case my message would have been sarcastic as well...
Instead he thought I was being serious, and he wrote back saying, "no you misunderstood, that was meant in as a sigh of good."
So I wrote back, "and mine was sarcastic, but you know I kinda miss you, it's strange".

And that was the end of it. I didn't hear back from him... hah. Anyhow I'm glad I have it off my chest. That's all I wanted to hear from him to ease my anxiety... the "sigh of good" was exactly what I needed to hear. And I needed to tell him that I was missing him... that's it. I'm happy now.

Rob has been super busy, I got an email from him today saying as much and that also put me at ease. I hate not hearing from him, it puts me on edge every single time.

I'm back to loving men again as I always do.

On that note, I'll say that the construction worker lended me a lovely invisible hand one afternoon last week, it was a wonderful fantasy.
While I was in Greece they almost finished the road work they were doing here and I was afraid I'd never see him again. But the monday after I got back, as I was leaving for work, I searched the street to see if I could see him and alas he was no-where to be seen. But then I went past their truck and there he was. He wasn't wearing his usual green monkey suit, he was wearing a different one and I didn't recognize him right away. But he smiled at me kindly and said "morning" and I smiled back and said "Hi!" all excited, and then sped off on my bike. It was the first time I'd seen him smile, almost happy to see me I'd say. The other mornings it was more formal, no smiles, just courtesy saying hello.

I haven't seen him since unfortunately, that must have been the last morning. But when I see construction I look for him.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Going backwards

So Today is Monday. I actually texted Co-worker yesterday at around sunset saying how much I'd like a Mythos (greek) beer and a pack of Doritos, because that was our staple afternoon food while in Greece. And he answered something like "no kidding"...

So Today I went in to work, everything is normal apart from the ridiculous heat. It's like 40 degrees here or something. But I didn't get up the courage to ask Co-worker how things were with the gf. I did however ask my other co-worker who knows him better than me, and they had had lunch together so I figured she knew. Turns out they're back together.

I think he wanted to tell me, but it didn't come out. I'm not sure why really. But he did ask me how I was at one point today and I said "good and you?" and he just said "good" I think he was expecting me to ask about his gf maybe, but I didn't.... I was shy, and I hate talking about stuff like that with people around.

Anyhow I feel like things are regressing. I was hoping that things would go back to normal since we're back at work, but I think the breakup set us both back and scared us into remission. So yeah we're at a stalemate or something.

As for other news. There isn't any really. I was hoping to meet up with Rob this past week, but I was busy, he was busy and then left his phone somewhere so no meeting up.

I am leaving on the 21st of July for New York and then a tour of North America. I'm not looking forward to it, I'm not sure why, but I'm not. I kinda wish bf weren't coming in some ways. But oh well, I'll manage. I have also been off on so many trips recently I can't bear the idea of packing again. I have no idea what to pack.

I'm slightly frustrated with everything and I just wish I could hide in a cool dry home with airconditioning and paint or something.

I'm frustrated with all men at the moment so yeah... that's how I'm feeling sorry boys!! xoxo

Saturday, July 9, 2011

patience and excuses

I have to learn to be patient.... I hate it though. I want to text co-worker. I want to ask him how things are with the gf... I want an excuse is what I want.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Dark room and Blue windows.

In that dark room with blue beams, on a bed with boards that wouldn't hold. A pale blue light filtering in through the small, shiny blue framed window, open to let the sickeningly sweet evening air into the bedroom. A sheet to keep the chill off, after a day in the sun the temperature of my skin contrasting that of the evening air to the point of goosebumps. My skin heating the space under the sheet above us, letting off all the afternoon sun.

Mind wanderings to things said, trying to understand, trying to resolve as if they were pieces of a puzzle to put together. Wondering whether the resistance was worth it. I had said that no-one would believe us when we got back, I was right.

The early morning with just a tank top and a pair of turquoise panties, the sheets get thrown off dramatically, you admire from your pillow, caress, your cool hand on my skin causing me to shiver. Sliding it up my thigh, over my hip to my ribs. My arm tightening near my breast for fear of going too far, not letting you in, you slide back down.

You refuse to let me touch you, you whisper to me that you are in charge of caresses, pushing my hand gently away.

Your hand moves to my face, moving the hair from my forehead. My eyes open to find you staring into me, through me, it's too much to handle so I close them again. But I can feel them burning into me and I am tempted to open them again, but again I can't resist and I turn away. We speak, we talk about something, what was it? Maybe about what we're doing, I tell you that I don't want to cause trouble, and with a swift gesture to your temple you tell me the trouble is in your mind.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

HNT quickie

I finally managed to get an HNT up! It's a quickie, nothing fancy, just me on a hot day :-D

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

feelings of guilt

I had a long talk with bf last night. He started saying that he felt that I was being distant. HA! I wanted to laugh. But we discussed it quite seriously.
I told him that I didn't feel comfortable around him when he has accused me of breaking up co-worker's relationship.
I have tried my best to be good, to be happy and to ignore things. But last night I kind of broke down. I told him how I felt, I cried when I told him that I felt guilty for having accepted because that's what he has made me feel. And that feeling will not go away now. He apologized for having said that it was my fault, but the feeling remains.
I wanted to cry today. Co-worker looked a bit worried, he asked me if I was ok, I said I was tired. But when he said "you didn't get much sleep" I knew he knew that we'd had another discussion.

There is such a huge distance between co-worker and I that I'm also feeling the gap. We were skin close for a week, without being far from each other for more than a few hours at night and not being able to walk next to him or sit next to him with our arms touching is strange. Not to mention not being able to communicate freely with him. There are always people around and I don't feel comfortable sending emails or text messages.

Today he did seem happier though, still a little on edge but better than yesterday. His gf posted something on his fb wall today saying "so many memories", but he hasn't looked at his fb in ages... I don't know if they've started a mending process or not.

I talked to my father today and he said something that caught my ear that I hadn't thought of before. He told me not to look after bf while in North America. He said it was a lot of work. I didn't understand so I asked him to clarify. He said that when we went to visit my dad, my dad did his best to pull together all his Italian friends so that bf would feel comfortable. When I was back home last with bf (which was over 10 years ago now) bf behaved like a child refusing to do things or participate. I'm a little worried that things will be similar this time. So Dad is right... no looking after. Strangely people are already trying to find things for him to do, setting up outings and sports stuff to make him feel more involved....

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


All hell has broken loose here. Co-W split up with his Gf on Sunday night. Bf has blamed me for it more or less, saying that I shouldn't have accepted going on the trip and by accepting I put everyone in a difficult position. Although we've talked things through, the guilt of their separation is on my head. I told Co-W this and he jokingly said, let's get a room, fuck our brains out, film it and sent it to everyone.
Co-W is angry at all our friends because everyone has had their say in things. He's furious with his Gf because she behaved immaturely saying that while he was "working (having fun)" in greece she was out partying and having "a lot of fun" on her own. So he went and broke things off with her. He smashed the gifts he had bought her on the floor in front of her and threw 200 Euros worth of earrings in a river.
When I asked him today if he had spoken to her he said no... But there seems to be a sort of refusal on his part to talk about it. I don't know the whole story so I can't judge what went on.

I feel like I should write her on fb and tell her that she's crazy to leave him, that he loves her, tell her how whenever we were in town looking for souvenirs all he did was look for something to bring back to her. She was his only thought at certain times, he missed her on the trip. He would tell me how he wanted to be with his girlfriend. But I don't want to get in the middle of this, it's not my place.

I feel terrible. It sucks...

Monday, July 4, 2011

Well well well... Yes I'm back. My week in Corfu is now over. It was a rather interesting week. I apologize I did not have internet as much as I expected. I only had unlimited internet in the morning while I was working and therefore always had people around hanging over my shoulders.

I hand wrote two evenings while there. But didn't have time to continue later in the week. I don't know whether to post what I've written since It's already typed up or whether I should just post a summary of the events.

Maybe here for everyone's sake I should just post a "brief" summary. I know that people tend to be afraid of reading long posts. But I may post them for myself.

Co-Worker and I started our trip out by a lot of talking, from the car trip up to the airport all the way to greece. It was never awkward or strange but we joked around a lot and had a lot of fun.

There was a moment in Athens during our 4 hour wait where he started talking about how his girlfriend was angry and he went on a little tangent about how he didn't want to do anything because he was in love with his girlfriend and contradicting himself saying that if something happened we are adults and can take care of ourselves. And again saying things like if we really wanted to cheat we didn't need corfu to do it.

For practicality's sake we stayed in a little bungalow together which was obviously a secret for everyone else. We had separate bedrooms and we were very good at just keeping separate. But obviously the touching, constant contact between us was there. Apart from when we were sleeping or working our arms would always be touching. For some reason we both needed that.

We weren't alone very often either, we always had the two women who organized the course taking us places, to the beach or to dinner. But there was a day where we took off on our own and we talked again... talked lots.

Now the one thing that I have to say about Co-worker that kinda bothers me is the fact that he talks about himself a lot. I think it has to do with the fact that he gets nervous and just starts talking and he can go on for quite a while. It's never boring I must admit, but it can seem a bit conceited.

When we talked that day things were slightly different yet again. I asked him why he had told me in google chat (a while back now) that he was a bastard. He told me it was because he likes to lead people on without any real interest. Which confused me quite a bit because I couldn't understand why he would lead someone on if there was no attraction whatsoever. But then again that same day he was talking about how he liked me, how we have a "good energy" together, we get along well and so on. So I was obviously confused.

Come Wednesday morning he woke up with a migrane and I played nurse, I sat on his bed and gave him a forehead massage to see if we could at least turn the intensity down. As I did that he would caress my arms, my face my legs.... things had taken a slight turn. The contact was more intimate that evening we left our doors open, he started coming out of the shower with just his towel, the energy in the bungalow had changed. We were both hoping for something to happen... not sex, just a more intimate contact. By Friday night I spent some time on his bed in the evening, just talking and we talked about having sex, but neither of us wanted to do it, but we both admitted to wanting it. And he sent me to my room... although I didn't want to go, I was reluctant. I went back to grab a bottle of water and he grabbed my arm and held me there. But I left again...

Friday he had water in his ear from the beach in the evening and asked me to try a diving technique on him to get it out, by pouring warm water and vinegar in. It gave us (ok so I think it was his excuse not mine) another excuse to sit in his bed together in the evening.

I stayed that night... I didn't leave his bed. There was no sex, not even a kiss. At all. But we both wanted to. There were a lot of caresses, a lot of talking, we talked about sex a bit, having it. I tend to be really shy about that kind of thing, I keep my mouth shut, afraid of saying something stupid I guess. It's not my language. But sleeping with him was almost identical to sleeping with bf. Legs intertwined, subtle snoring. But in the morning his hands were all over me, caressing, gliding up and down my body. Over my thighs, my hips, my tummy... up to my ribs and then down again. He threw the sheets off of me in the morning to see me. I was in my panties and a tank top. He refused to let me touch him, he said that he was in control. He made the decisions.

I admit that my libido was low, I think my mind was working overtime to keep it that way. He was hard that morning, I could feel him, my legs on his, or from behind, or wherever. I tried to keep away, he tried to keep away, we were good. I wanted a kiss sooooo bad though. I love kisses... almost more than sex sometimes.

And I think he understands me.. I think he knows what I like, I'm not sure how he knows. I did hint at liking pain and pleasure at one point. He spanked me hard one day at the beach and left a big red mark. And on the flight home, I was leaning over him to look out the window at one point and he grabbed my head to push it into his lap.... jokingly... not right down... just part way. Both his hands on my head though... hmm. He kept telling me to stop provoking him.

So that's the story. Today it's monday, I'm back at work today and I'll be seeing him. Things haven't changed.... or at least we are going to try hard not to make the change visible.

I'd better stop this here. It's long enough as it is. I'll post more details and thoughts in the next few days.