Thursday, June 30, 2016

The package!

OMG, omg, omg.
Guess what came in the mail today? Squeeeeeee.
Ok so I was teaching from home this morning and when my student went to leave I opened the door to find the package standing in front of it. Not sure why the postwoman didn't buzz me, but YAY. I was so excited to see it sitting there.

I saw my student off and grabbed the package and sat it on my table. I took a picture of it and then proceeded to open it.

On opening, the first thing I saw was chips. Lol mini bags of Doritos tangy cheese chips. They're bright orange so yeah, pretty easy to spot. There, nestled in between, was also a package of Haribo sour gummies. It definitely made me laugh. He knows me so well.

The packaging was brown as well as there being brown paper wrapping the bowls so at first I didn't notice the beige object sitting next to the chips. Once I had the chips out I realized there were a couple objects in transparent plastic bags. The first one was a shirt. It was a beige Beasty Boys shirt that (I found out later) he gave me because the colour didn't suit him. I instinctively smelled the shirt. I tend to smell everything. I smelled the paper too lol. In any case the shirt, while it didn't smell like his deodorant, the smell still reminded me of him..... not sure why. I'll be wearing it as a pj, it's big on me, or if I can, I might try to size it down on my sewing machine.

Wedged down the side of the box there was another plastic bag containing a picture of him in a scenic mountain landscape. It was from a while back. His head was shaved. But I loved the fact that he put in a picture of himself. I immediately hid the picture with my hand written diary. By this point I was laughing (by myself) and giddy and shaking. I was beyond happy I guess.

Next were the bowls. They were both wrapped in the brown paper. I took the first one out and unwrapped it, admired it and looked for a place to put it. They are a beautiful shade of light blue that goes well with my decor. When I picked up the second one though I realized that there was something inside.

I guess I was emotional because when I opened the last bowl I started to laugh and cry all at once. In the bowl he'd stuffed a globe themed golf ball and a Scrabble key chain with his initial letter on it. That was it, the waterworks turned on.

Don't get me wrong. Most of the things he put in were not bought for me – with the exception of the Doritos and gummies. They were things he found around, which makes them perfect reminders of him. They are little pieces of his personality that I know so well. The golf ball did it for me I think. It's so him, plus the whole reason we meet up is because of his 'golf trips'. So that's in my bedside table for now.

The bowls are sitting in my living room. One is on a bookshelf up on a top shelf so the bf doesn't get suspicious with two blue bowls showing up out of the blue (oops, no pun intended). The other is sitting on a buffet cabinet where I have a little display of various objects I like. Above the cabinet there's some random art hanging, some is mine some is by my mother, there's a metal ram's head and I've hung the Scrabble keychain from his horn. It blends into the rest quite well. Actually it makes the display even better.

I obviously texted him to thank him and to tell him I'd received everything in good order. I told him I cried, he told me to quit being gay. I sent him a picture of one of the bowls in its new home on the buffet cabinet and wondered if he'd spot the key chain hanging on the ram on the wall (I had to hint at it).

Today.... Today totally made up for my crappy day Tuesday when my bike got stolen and then I got some sort of stomach flu the same evening. Tenfold.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

War Time Romantic Stories and Thoughts on My Love Affair

My cousin came to visit me a couple weeks ago. It was a fun time. I hadn't seen him in ages.

While he was here he told me a story that was intriguing to me. It was a story of a family member, a great uncle I think, who served during the 1st world war and was caught in Italy. He was sent to Sicily to work on farms as a prisoner of war. There, he fell in love with a Sicilian woman and she got pregnant. The prisoners of war were then sent on to a true prison camp in another country where they were eventually freed and sent home.

This man who was originally from Germany or Poland, (can't remember) was then married. It was an arranged marriage. He had various children with his wife yet he secretly kept in touch with the Sicilian lady and their son over the years. They sent letters back and forth. Later in life this man went on a trip with another man in the family (I believe my cousin's grandfather or great grandfather), they went to Sicily to meet the woman and their boy. Years later he died. His travel companion died shortly after but not before he got the chance to tell his grandchildren the story. The younger generations of the family are fascinated with the story, knowing that they have cousins in Italy somewhere. So they are researching it to see if they can find out where these people are.

The story fascinated me because it's, well, somewhat familiar. Obviously it has no similarities to my own story with the exception of distance and a love affair but I found it wonderfully romantic and tragic, or was it? There's something triumphant about it too. Maybe it's the fact that he manages to go back to see her or the fact that the story lives on in the family. It could be a book, though I'm sure there are many of it's kind out there.

It's one of those things that as a woman especially, watching, reading or hearing about these stories seems so romantic you almost wish you had one of your own. When you do, when you are in the middle of something like that there are definite surreal moments where things dawn on you and you think "I'm fucking lucky to be living this". Most of the time things just happen, life goes on, but there are times when I want to write it into a book, make it last forever pass it down to future generations.

And then I think: "What future generations?", I haven't got kids to pass this on to.

Friday, June 24, 2016

Grinning Girl

I've been grinning again.

It's all Rob's fault of course. It started earlier this week with him getting ideas of FFM scenarios, he sent me messages, then I wanted to know what videos he'd been watching and he sent me a few things that distracted me from the typing job I have on right now. I would type 5 pages then get myself off, type another 5 pages and get myself off again. It's also the heat. It's hot here all of a sudden. Hot enough to sit still and sweat and that's the yummiest kind of heat, the sexiest heat. It makes me so fucking horny.

Yesterday I was typing again and we started with iMessages back and forth. Slowly working up to pictures of me in summer attire, short shorts and crop tops, then on to my new bikinis. He was supposed to be cleaning out his garage. I was supposed to be typing.

I knew I wouldn't resist long after showing off bikinis. I knew I'd have to get myself off eventually and I told him so. He said he'd watch.
Shortly after, (a page and a half typed up later), I asked him what bikini I should wear for him. "You choose".

We met on Skype. I was wearing the bikini he picked out for me last year, (he helped me buy it). It's white with coloured puzzle pieces and candy like bobbles. The bottom came off fast, and I came shortly after that. I went on to number two as well and left it at that since I was dripping from the heat. Temperature as well as sexually. He simply talked into my ear, begged me to cum for him. It was perfect, as usual. He said it wasn't fair, and why wasn't I bent over his kitchen counter.

After we chatted about a few things. He mentioned he'd been cleaning out his garage and had found the bowls he'd made with me during our pottery class (2 years ago?!). He wants me to have them. I'd be happy to have them. He admitted that he was putting together a package for me. I could barely believe it. I didn't want to get my hopes up. I wasn't sure if he'd actually send it or not.

Today I got the text that it's been sent. Hence the grinning.
Of course that's mixed with some anxiety. Mostly around explaining the objects coming in the mail and why and who, etc, but I'm sure it'll be fine.

I love it when I can't keep myself from grinning. I know I shouldn't. Someone's going to notice, someone's going to look at me and figure me out. It's a grin that's so different from when you just find something funny. It's a whole facial expression, I can feel that the muscles are different than just looking at funny cat videos on FB, or at someone's sarcastic comment.

On a scarier note, it dawned on me, fairly recently that if Rob's wrist doesn't heal properly from the pin surgery then he won't have any more excuses to travel, which will be the end of us meeting up. I don't want to think about it, I prefer to live in ignorant bliss for now. I'm sure things will be fine, but yes, it's in the back of my mind. Very selfish of me, I do worry about his wrist healing in general for his sake, but I am also very selfish yes.

Also this happened...
The bf  bought his mother a smartphone. He's been using everyone else's phones to help her learn. Yesterday he insisted I unlock my phone for him so he could call his mother. Why he didn't ask me to call her I don't know. He seemed suspicious, but oddly enough I haven't done anything suspicious in his presence in ages. So he browsed my contact list, I was anxious the whole time, I used the excuse of showing him how to find his mother's name to see what he was doing. The problem isn't my contact list, that's safe, there are so many names and numbers there no-one would be able to decipher who is who. The problem is that I'd just finished texting Rob. There were texts about fucking and I hadn't deleted them... hypothetically, if he'd seen those texts and not understood but scrolled through he'd have found the pictures. I rarely delete texts these days because with the phone being fingerprint locked there's no real need. Now I'm thinking I should. I am a sentimental twat and want to hold on to everything so I can't just delete these things, first I need to save them, then I can delete them. For now I've moved my messages icon out of plain sight. I suppose that will work for now.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Girl on Girl

When I was a child I had very early sexual experiences. I've written about them before but something recently came up and I felt like I should approach them again.

When I was little, I was introduced to masturbation at about the age of 4 or 5. It was a girl, a child, a little older than myself who, without touching me, explained it. I believe that I had probably already known the sensation of release since infancy, I think infants, both boys and girls, go through it. However it isn't a conscious thing until someone brings it up.

I was happy to have learned this conscious and deliberate means to release. When I was a little older, my first year of school more or less, I met two sisters. They were twins. They also had a younger brother. I remember "playing" at their house and there were sexual themes. One of which involved their baby brother. I think we pretended to have sex with him, laying on top of him. It is a very vague memory. 

Some years later one of the two sisters confessed to me that, on occasion, she did something to her body to get a sensation of pleasure and we started doing it together, in each other's presence but without getting involved in the other's activities.

Then over time, all through elementary school we got more and more involved with each other. We made each other cum. She would make up fantasies about boys and I would play along. She loved trying different things inside me, she begged me to go down on her, I tried once because she insisted so much, but I couldn't do it. Not entirely true, I did it but only because she coated her pussy with honey first. Consider I was probably 10 or 11.

I never thought much of it, her twin sister suspected stuff was up but never said much. At some point things stopped. Not sure when, or why. 

Interestingly though, I was never attracted to her. I remember having massive crushes on boys even in my first year of school but never on any girls. I think with her, I simply went along with the sensation. I enjoyed the company. Enjoyed getting off, but that was it. 

Why has this come up now? On Fb the other day I saw that she got tagged in some photos, they were of her and another woman in very 'couple like' situations and I was relieved. I felt like she needed to come out. I think I suspected it in the back of my mind a few times. I wondered if she was gay, but now, I think/hope, I have confirmation.

Question now is, what is my sexual orientation. I've always wondered myself. I have only rarely been attracted to a woman as much as I am attracted to men. There has been the occasion where I've thought to myself, I could get into bed with her. I've even had instances where I got drunk enough to almost get myself into trouble with the wrong person. 

I would not be afraid of having a threesome with women, I would welcome it with the right woman/women... but I think all in all I prefer men. I've always liked boys. Funny though how my first basically full sexual experience was with a girl.