Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Raoul's blog and more hot sex


Something came up with Raoul's blog. Remember the one I randomly came accross a while back? 

He actually mentioned me in his blog today. He know's I'm reading it. 

Here's what he wrote.

"in closing, i'd like to salute my reader based in xxx. you should really pick a new location to hide in because the only person i know in that country lives in xxxxxx... and she never leaves me notes on my blog. she is welcome to read it whenever she wants... you on the other hand; i don't really care. just keep your comments to yourself please. not interested in what you have to say. "

The second part... now that I read it again. Is not for me... from the "you on the other hand..." It's for his ex girlfriend. 

So It made me flush, smile and feel horribly stupid for not mentioning it to him.

I have now sent him an email to make up for not mentioning it.

Here's what I wrote:

heh. I was wondering when I'd get to read that... And I've been debating telling you. I figured if it made enough of an impact on you, you'd mention it. And I kinda figured you knew I was reading... I could tell you had a site tracker of some sort.

It came about rather randomly really. Something my mother used to call me and my sister before she passed away 5 years ago.
You happened to mention it on FB and I remembered my mother's comments. Never figured it out so I looked it up... With quotation marks. Guess what came up... the only thing that came up that day on Google, You guessed it... your blog.

Well there it is, there's the story. I can just go away if you like. I'm not bothered. I'll just lose the bookmark.

Shoulda told you earlier tho... my mistake.    

He wrote me back

Got all flustered... no, no, no, no. He was referring to his stalker like ex girlfriend with a roaming IP address to leave nasty comments on his blog. Heh.. anyhow he was sweet to say that he is happy that I read his blog. I've sent him an email back saying I may even comment now that he knows I'm officially following.

So that's it folks. He's figured me out. Wonder if he has found mine... I doubt it.


What else is up.

My cute co-worker has been making the usual sexual related comments and being somewhat touchy feely and it's driving me a bit loopy. I never know what to make of it. I think often what might have happened had we both been single. People that come to our studio think that we're a couple often, I guess it's the fact that we keep such a close proximity when we're near each other. 

I had another morning of amazing sex with bf the other day. It was of the slow building kind that I love so much. He spanked me good, which he has never actually done. This was the first time he just spanked without penetration. He usually spanks when we're already having sex. This time it was part of the foreplay which was amazing. I loved it. 

While he did that I went down on him, got his cock really supper slippy and used both my hands and my mouth, which I always do, but this time I think he really enjoyed it. I'm honestly still learning to give a good blow job, I've never really had anyone tell me I was good or bad... so I just judge it by the reaction. This time he was grunting and groaning and thrusting. In turn this made it somewhat of a deep throat thing and that was superbly enjoyable, if only he'd take hold of my hair and do a little more guiding... 

Then it was me on top sex, as usual, but he was getting too close to orgasm so we had to slow down, he had his finger in my ass, I was getting close and he wanted to pull out. I hadn't cum yet so I slipped him in the back door. This was only the second time we've done it where it felt so right. Where it was so easy, so painless. It was hot. I came, and he came inside me.... 

Saturday, May 15, 2010

comment answers

Thanks for all the comments on my last post. I have decided to answer them all in a new post. It would have been too long to answer in the comment box... so here goes. (comments are posted below)

First of all you are all absolutely right. I agree with every one of you. 

LH The matter is completely unresolved, nothing has been fixed, and that's where the panic came from on the night after the discussion. As Sage said it might be worth while to battle it out and see where it goes. But I'm afraid that battling it out would mean me saying what I want deep down, and that's to move out for a time to see what my feelings really are. And I'm not sure that's fair to the relationship. And that obviously ties into what CeCe said about it being easier to ignore emotions and difficulties when everything is going ok. Bf is evidently happy with the relationship as it is. But I can't ignore my feelings of needing to progress and needing to understand truly whether I'm in love with this guy. It has been on my mind forever.

Dog3oy said something that I have honestly known forever but have tended to ignore. Men are prone to having difficulty expressing themselves (I don't want to generalize too much but I think it's the general consensus, right?). I have always had the same problem too. So the two of us together just don't help the situation any. 

The number one point that Cheshirecat brought up hit the nail on the head. I honestly don't know if I'm getting cold feet or if I would be with him if we weren't so dependent on each other. I mentioned it in one of my first entries, we were never "meant to be together", it was a forced situation that we both accepted at the time and learned to live with. Some of the arguments were so heated and horrible that I should have left. He betrayed my trust and when I found out I should have left. But now we have grown closer over the years, the arguments are less frequent and we get along. Like an arranged marriage. We have learned to love each other (or depend on each other).

(*answer to Cheshirecat's point number two: I'm so glad you noticed! I've seen it a few times, and it kinda creeps me out. You never know who the hell it could be. Ugh... And to think they use it with kids... nastiness)

DN: You are absolutely right. I probably scared him the first time he admitted it to me, but I think we've gone beyond that and we've established that that isn't the only cause for his lack of emotional communication with me. We have had the "communication" talk more than once and he is conscious of his problem. He knows that he has great difficulty telling me how much he loves me. He regrets it. But you are absolutely right. I should probably set the example. The problem is, that I really am not sure of my feelings for him. I still have my doubts. And I unfortunately need those doubts to be proved wrong by him. I would feel horrible telling him I love him constantly and then realize when he starts telling me that I don't love him. 

I'm not sure there is a fix all situation here. I think a big part of the problem is my lack of feeling "ready" for a relationship, the "cold feet" that CeCe mentioned is the crux of the matter. The other part is that I am missing the passion. I've mentioned it before, I'll probably mention it again. When you've got passion you don't have stability, when you have stability you lose the passion. I miss the passion more than I'm willing to admit.

And the other crux is that I feel like I was kinda forced into the situation.
So many people have told me "if your heart's not in it, get out". The difficulty is figuring out whether my heart is in it or not.

That's the one thing no-one can help me with. I have to figure that out for myself.


Leonhart said...
I don't know where you go from here, but the fact that you still feel like you need to go SOMEWHERE says a lot about how unresolved this all still is.

MAY 13, 2010 5:19 PM
R.R. said...
They say actions speak louder than words, but I'm with you here. It's nice to be shown love, but it's also important to hear it, too,

MAY 13, 2010 5:27 PM
Southern Sage said...
With LH here the fact that you are still unsure is telling it seems to me. What I would do is not let it go until I was satisfied. Beat it all the way to death or get some resolution. You only get one shot at life why comprise?

MAY 13, 2010 8:23 PM
CeCe Savage said...
I get really panicky about emotions too. I can understand your feeling and how much easier it is to ignore the anxiety when things are going well and kisses and hugs are being shared. Good luck with working this out in a way that makes you happy.

My Love Life

MAY 14, 2010 12:18 AM
DOG3OY said...
wow, a guy that doesn't express his feelings, didn't see that coming. after 12 years he still has issues communicating .................

MAY 14, 2010 3:06 AM
cheshirecat said...
This comment has two points:

1. Do you think that if you and your bf didn't have the same friends and weren't as dependent on each other you would still be together? Perhaps you're just having cold feet or feel like there's something missing from the relationship that is causing you to have doubts. For instance, the lack of verbal affection?

2. I was about to cam with this bisexual girl yesterday and I remembered your blog about pre-recordings and realised it was so fake because she kept winking and pouting at me. So I called her up on it and 'she' said 'Ask me to do anything' and I said 'Fine go smell those flowers behind you' and she was making excuses about them being plastic and then she cancelled the session. So I said 'Hah! Caught you out!' and 'she' said 'No offense but what you were asking was really degrading. I'm not wearing any panties or anything' and I said 'Dude you just squeezed your breats' then 'she' blocked me. I was pissing myself for hours afterwards.

MAY 14, 2010 6:00 AM
Diner Nighthawk said...
This is my own personal bit of crazy, but I know that if my wife has a viscerally bad reaction to something (for instance, my being too aggressive in bed, or anal sex), I'm wont to never do it again. Which is a shame, because I'm only now realizing that tastes change, and things that were inappropriate years ago might be outright desired now.

Another example: when I was dating Amy, she worked in a student newsroom in school. I wasn't a student there, so I wasn't allowed to just show up. But one day she was mad at me and wouldn't take my calls, so I made up a bunch of business cards and entered her school pretending I was a youth pastor who wanted to buy advertising space in their newspaper. They let me in to see her. And unfortunately, she ruined it by blowing up at me.

She was livid, and told me she had never been more embarrassed and couldn't believe I had the ego to do that. So I never did it again.

Years later, when we were breaking up, she asked me how come I stopped doing things like that, and how romantic I used to be. She used that as a specific example. And then it was my turn to get upset, because that was the kind of boyfriend I always wanted to be, and I wasn't because of her reaction and because I never got any signal from her that this kind of behavior was suddenly desired by her.

My suggestion would be that if you love him, and you need to hear him say it to you, make the first move. Tell him in private it, like it's the most important thing you've ever told him. Sure it would be great if he had the initiative to not need you to do so, but it's possible that he just doesn't want to risk rocking the boat by pointing it out too much. He might feel like he's doing great with the I Love You's because he mistook something that was wrong in the moment with something that was wrong altogether.

Sorry, that was rambling!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I had the talk with BF. It didn't go ...

I had the talk with BF. It didn't go as I had planned though.

It was mostly about the future, and it went as all the other conversations on this topic have ever gone. It was frustrating and perhaps even calming at the same time. I came away from it frustrated and panicky. The next day when things had settled in my brain, I was calmed.

Apart from the usual talk about money and houses and children (which are all difficult things for us to obtain) the main thing that came out of it was that he said the sentence he says to me only when we have these conversations: that he's sure of me. To translate for those of you who don't get the subtlety of this phrase, it means I love you.

He has only said "I love you" to me about two or three times in 12 years of relationship. The first time he said it I was 20, and we were in the middle of a huge argument, and I was crying, when he said "I think I love you" I started crying even harder. I was so angry with him (only god remembers why). Ever since, whether for fear or for pride, he has never really told me ever again. Except for during sex once after a wedding, and we were both drunk. 

Perhaps that has made an impact on our relationship more than I'd like to admit. 

It's difficult for me to understand the importance of this relationship for him if he doesn't vocalize it. Perhaps I have gone along thinking that it doesn't mean as much for him as it actually does and therefore I have put less importance on it than I should. He demonstrates his love for me everyday it's not like I don't see it. But I need to hear it.

I think I have held back in saying it myself because he doesn't say it to me, and because I'm afraid of abandonment due to bad experiences with other partners. 

Getting back to the conversation... I went to bed thinking... I don't feel the same way. I was panicking, thinking, "I don't love him...", "what am I doing...". when I woke up the next morning, between hugs and kisses and him telling me I was beautiful, I started melting. 

Yes I still have my doubts. They haven't just disappeared, but I'm calmer than I was. The talk was necessary. What's the next step? 

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Got Some... finally

Bf woke me up this morning, we were supposed to head to see some friends early, and so he crawled back into bed around a quarter to 9 (yeah,that's early for me...on a Sunday).

He started as he usually does. A little back rub, running his hand down my ass between my legs. He slid a finger in and slid the other hand down my front to rub my clit. It got me so wet, so fast... I honestly don't remember the whole thing. It lasted an hour. I refused to let him cum. I was having too much fun. First he fucked me from behind, spooning me, slow and easy, then I turned onto my back, never letting him pull out, and we were locked, knotted with our legs one over the other. His thigh resting on my tummy and my thigh over his hip. At a 90° angle to each other. In this position he hits my g-spot perfectly. As per usual though, it had been too long since we last had sex and there was no promise of an orgasm for me. But trying was a LOT of fun. 

From there I climbed on top of him, this is when he started saying that he wanted to cum. Since I refused to let him, I slowed things down. But he couldn't help play with my ass. 

As some of you may remember, it totally turns him on. Just the thought of sticking his finger in my ass makes him want to cum. 

This is why I pulled away from him and turned myself around. I wanted him to see me from behind. I straddled his chest, leaning my tits on his hard cock, and I fingered my pussy from below. This is when he started licking his finger and rubbing my ass to get it nice and wet. So with the other hand, from above, I slid a finger into my ass slowly. He was locked into position, he couldn't touch himself and my hands were too busy with myself, but my tits were sliding up and down on his cock while I fingered myself. He then decided to join in. He slid a finger in my ass, while I fingered myself, and he pumped me good, I almost couldn't control my movements. I ended up grinding on his chest while he did that.

I then turned around, and slid back down onto his hard shaft and rode him, while he pinched my nipples. 

He came very shortly after that. I pulled off and I reached back and jerked him the rest of the way off. 

Now... I want more... I'll have more for sure. It was getting to be a bit too long.

Damn. Today I was so horny, since I didn't get an orgasm, that I managed to slide all but my thumb inside myself. I was dripping. I haven't ever tried that before. I'm proud of myself :-)

Friday, May 7, 2010

I talked to Rob today.

I talked to Rob today.


It has been forever since we had a normal conversation. He had the day off work because he had some stuff to do on his car. There was no mention of sex. Nothing sexual really except for a passing joke about tearing my jeans off (with his teeth). Apart from that it was just two friends having a chat. It was nice.

I talked about my relationship with bf. About how I've been toying with the idea of telling bf that I need some space, that I need to figure out what I want and need. That I don't want to leave him, but that I need to get away from the relationship to see it from a distance. 

Rob said that I didn't have the balls to do it... I'm not sure I do either. But anyhow we made a bet. We bet 5 euros that I wouldn't tell him before our next big argument. We haven't had a big argument in ages. Probably since we were travelling this winter. 

We talked briefly about lying. I'm not the lying kind. I'm pretty good at it if I have to, but I don't lie if I can avoid it. He said he lies when he wants to cover something up out of guilt. Specifically if he bought something that cost too much.

What else... He promised to make me some beads. He works with metal, and he's good with his hands. He made his gf a pendant in the shape of a heart. It was nice, in brushed brass (I think) I never found out if she wore it. Well I said that I had gotten addicted to making bracelets and he said he'd make me some to put on a bracelet. yay. That made my day.

I've been thinking. 

Is the society going back to it's origins? A kind of urban wilderness. Are we going back to the mentality of the Roman sexual and culinary indulgence? 

Meetings on chatroulette seem to be just that. They seem to be a liberal society of letting free. No judgements passed (unless your a child). No matter about age or race. Sexual freedom is the name of the game. And it's not generally dangerous. It's just liberating. 

I have also come to understand that I am a minority on there. I don't think young 20-30 yr old guys would be interested in me if I were in a bar full of 18 yr old girls. Strange how the world works.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

muffins anyone?

Right well I don't normally post random cooking videos but I came across this today and thought it was so full of sexually double meanings that I had to share.
First of all she sounds like Mrs. Doubtfire. But the first minute of the video had me laughing to myself.

Then there's the filling holes at the end which cracked me up too. I couldn't help it.

Thanks for bearing with me on this one... My mind must be wandering.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Alcohol = Sex. Why?

I was invited to a party on Saturday. It was a BBQ at a friend's place. 

This girlfriend of mine is Swedish and recently (in the last two years) introduced me to a british girl who works here, She's from London. Let's call the british girl Missy, and the Swedish girl, we'll call her Elaine. 

So I have this huge group of friends it's a fairly international group mostly people from out of town or out of the country like myself and Elaine. We meet up quite frequently for lunch. In that group there are people that I work with, others that I met through people I work with, and among them there is a man who is now my neighbour. Let's call him Saint for the sake of this story. 

I'd better write a list of characters for this story:

Swede girl: Elaine
British girl: Missy
Neighbour: Saint

Saint and Missy actually got together for almost a year at one point about a year ago. Missy arrived shortly after their breakup and got the brunt of Elaine's complaining, and she can't really stand the Swedish girl. Elaine and Saint are still friends and possibly fuck buddies, he is now "dating" a woman, it's a long distance relationship but he seems to be genuinely in love with her.

Anyhow let's get back to the story at hand. It was hard to go anywhere without any background to these people. Well I got to the party and Missy was there with a friend who was visiting from London. Elaine was making a cake and had refused to open any wine before finishing it. It was 12:00. These people drink themselves silly every day practically. Missy really didn't want to be there, she had been there since 9:00am and just kinda wanted to go home. When I got there I opened the wine and the "party" started... 

People arrived. My neighbour was there, some italian guys were invited, some other women too. One chick I taught at high school... ugh. But anyhow I proceeded to get trashed. It was the only thing to do. I was in great need of getting plastered too. Bf wasn't able to come (thank god) he was home with a cold.

My Saint and Missy were about the only two people that I could really lean on, and joke around with, they were the only ones I really knew very well. 

Things got pretty blurry at one point. I had had a bunch of wine and had started on some other heavier stuff. I remember one of the Italian guys feeling my arm up... (strange thing to feel up), but his hands moved over my arm and then my waist and headed south from there as I bent over to put something in the garbage. He never got out of hand though (pardon the pun).

Another Italian guy made interesting comments about going downstairs to take a nap, and that there wouldn't be any sex... I had washed my feet a few times since I had been walking around barefoot for some time, and he said that they were clean enough to suck on.

Saint and I ended up sprawled on the couch together, my head on his tummy we were close to passing out. His arm was wrapped under me, hand on my belly, and he kept tapping me and asking me about a girl who was at the party and how long I thought it had been since she last fucked.

The party was seriously charged sexually. Everyone seemed to be making sexual comments, groping a bit, All I wanted to do was get laid by two guys. God, I'm sure if I had been single I would have brought the two italians back to my place, they were up for it for sure.

Missy on the other hand is a girl that I like a lot, she's pretty hot. She has a nice body. She's just always drunk. She's always hanging around with guys and flirting tons. I've always wondered about where she disappears sometimes with guys when we've been out drinking together. Anyhow I'd sleep with her while drunk for sure. 

What I don't get though, is why everyone gets so bloody charged sexually when they've been drinking. 

Sunday, May 2, 2010

a Woman's Wet Dream

I woke up in the middle of the night out of breath. I was hyperventilating to catch it. The dream was so real, so absolutely real. I was being taken by two guys. One from behind and one had his hand in my hair and was fucking my mouth. I was dripping wet in the dream, I had my hand between my legs on my clit. I was running my thumb up and down between my lips. In reality, in bed, I hadn't touched myself. Not once. Not until I was semi conscious.

I could hear their thoughts. And I could barely understand my own. I was off in another world. All I know is that I was having multiple orgasms and thinking, "oh, that's what it's like... Now I get it". They were thinking or maybe they were saying... I'm not sure, "She's having multiple orgasms". That was their goal, that's all they wanted.

It was the first time ever that I've reached orgasm without touching myself. I was in the middle of it when I woke. I then simply put a little pressure on my clit when I woke, to complete the climax.

I guess that's what a wet dream feels like (minus the mess). I had no idea it was possible for a woman to cum without being touched.

I must be really sexually frustrated at the moment.

After this dream I fell back asleep immediately, I never really woke up fully. As I was hyperventilating, I concentrated for a minute to see if I could hear bf snoring. Before that I was totally oblivious to anything. The last thing I wanted to do is wake him, he'd have thought I was having a nightmare.

I woke up this morning still turned on. But since I had had such a strong orgasm during the night it took me forever to reach another one. I actually broke a sweat to reach the hand induced one this morning. The fantasy was the same.

I did some research. Hunh. I had no idea. 40% of women have a "wet dream" by the age of 40.... Why is this the first time for me?!? I want more!!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Bridging a Gap

When growing up we meet people, these people become part of us and are important for our growth. They influence us in our mannerisms, the way we speak, a word we say or the way we laugh or sneeze. The people we meet while growing up become so important, even if it was only a few weeks or months that when that person goes away you feel the need to fill that space.

A person is a bit like Swiss cheese. You come round to the age of thirty full of holes. The people you met who aren't there anymore, be it a best friend, a boyfriend or an acquaintance who meant a lot to you, often leave gaping spaces that need to be filled with something else.

I moved to the opposite side of the country when I was 10, I moved out of my country to go half way round the world when I was 20 and I have come to realize that I've been trying to fill all these holes.

Facebook is a temporary hole filler. You find out what happened to all those people you left behind. But it brings the hole to the surface. These holes are buried or forgotten and Facebook makes them re-emerge.

Raoul, the crazy dark artist/singer/guitarist (with a blog) was one of those people who left a big hole. I have to figure out how to bridge that gap without actually trying to replace him.

I need to feel complete before I can really be happy. All these holes are no good, they make us weak.