Friday, April 30, 2010

The dream

I had a dream this morning. My alarm clock had already gone off but I kept dreaming.

I have this student, I must have mentioned him before. He's a kid, he's 18 now, but I've been teaching him since he was about 9. He was such a little brat when he was younger, I despised him. His mother is a bit of a freak. She is at his beck and call and always wants to know what is going on with him, she won't let him live. Typical Italian mother.

In the past few years I had been going to his house to help him study and help him with his homework twice a week. It's his mother that doesn't really think he's capable of doing anything on his own. Going twice a week every week for years does something. I grew pretty attached to the kid. It got to the point where I was missing him during the summer.

Of course as he was growing up our relationship started to change. We had more and more in common. I would start showing him stuff on internet, he would ask me for help setting up his computer or his first email address or his msn account. We talked about music, I found out we had similar tastes in music so I could send him stuff from my phone or from my mp3 player to his.

All this went on and on, and I noticed he started flirting with me. I hadn't noticed it until relatively recently. And I didn't really care. I just kinda thought he was a cool kid.

This year I haven't really been doing lessons with him. He has been busy with other subjects. Next year will be his last year in high school so I'll have to do a bit more with him next year. But I think in total I've seen him about 5 times this year. The last two times was yesterday and the day before. It was intense because we did two long lessons in two days. He was studying for a kind of final exam. And he was basically cramming.

Right so all of this to say that I had this dream. It was obviously brought on by seeing him for such a long time in two days. But I never expected it to be such an intense dream.

We were in a room, an attic. Let me say here that he doesn't live in an attic, he has a childish bedroom in an apartment with his parents. But this room was as if it were in the same house just a separate apartment from that of his parents. We were on his bed, and we were supposed to be studying. He was older, I'm pretty sure he was in university in the dream (I'm just guessing, seeing as he had his own apartment of sorts). And we were just taking a break and talking. I had laid back on the bed to rest my back, and he sat next to me. He then laid down facing me, on his side, propped up by his hand. He touched my stomach, lifting my shirt just to my ribs, and slid his hand slowly down into my jeans. My stomach jumped, ticklish I guess. Then my shirt was somehow higher (hey it's a dream) and my bra was down off one breast. He lowered his head and as he got further down into my jeans, he slid his finger inside me at the same moment as he took my nipple in his mouth. I gasped. And I woke up.

It was intense. Very intense. I didn't want it to end. I was actually late for work this morning because of this dream. I was drifting in and out of sleep repeating the images in my mind. It was the second half of another dream I'd had last night. I don't remember the other one. But I do remember thinking that it wasn't the whole dream, when I woke up from this one.

So I have a new student. He's 28, I'm going to try to concentrate on this guy or my cute co-worker. I can't be fantasizing about 18 yr olds. What's wrong with me? ugh.

Anyhow the 28 yr old is hot, he's nice, but he's a bit of an airhead, I'd say typical macho 28 yr old. He has already mentioned in passing that I'm cute. It was a seemingly innocent comment about getting a year pass at a gym. He asked if I worked out, and I said no, he said that if I wanted to, the gym where he goes gives discounts to pretty girls. That was that, I thought it was pretty tacky, the discotheques here do the same thing. It's a bit sleazy. It's to attract the men I guess.

Thursday, April 29, 2010


It has been a strange week for me. A lot of things going on.

I had a lot of work to do. Finishing up at a school and a full course and timetable on the other side as well.

This morning was the first time in weeks that I've had some time to myself with nothing planned. I went to work for just an hour which meant that I was home by 10:30. Bf had picked up a waffle iron that I found at a German supermarket here.

*I can't get certain foods here and it makes me sad at times. Bagels, waffles, bacon (now available, thank god), cheddar cheese, sour cream, and the list can go on for hours.

Anyhow back to the topic at hand. I finally found a waffle iron, which is a rarity here, I was so stoked, I got a friend to send me a recipe so I was excited to try it out. 5 years without waffles can make you a bit loopy. Anyhow I got home and immediately got to work. Bf was at the hospital with his brother (who is still doing chemo somewhat successfully). It was super sunny, I chose not to turn on the tv, or the computer or even the radio. Just me and my waffles.

I was so excited I wanted to share my excitement with someone, but there was no-one around to share with. The first ones came out PERFECT and I scarfed them down with a few drops from a 7 Euro bottle of Maple Syrup. They were delicious. I made so many that I had a bunch left over, and knowing they're still good to heat up in a toaster, I left them for bf.

The rest of the day went from amazing to depressing.

He has such a knack for pulling me down. I can't figure out if it's me or it's him. I really honestly can't figure it out.

It wasn't anything in specific he said or did. He just managed to ruin my good mood immediately, as soon as he got in the door. Maybe it's his lack of enthusiasm. I mean, I was so excited about the fucking waffles, that I was hoping he'd be just as enthusiastic. When he wasn't at all enthusiastic about them, not even a compliment on how they came out. I was disappointed I guess.

Maybe I'm too sensitive.

Having been so busy has made it impossible for me to do anything apart from work. That means a lack of HNT this week, a lack of posts, a fall in my page views on Sitemeter, a lot of catching up to do on other blogs, lots of consequences. I'll have to make up for it.

Next week I'll have some more time off work, but that doesn't mean anything, bf is always home.

I need a vacation. I've been looking into doing a course in London. That will give me a good excuse to get away by myself.

Monday, April 26, 2010


The promised Rob post from the other day (before the fiasco).

Albeit  brief, I met up with Rob on line the other day. We had been in touch a few times via txt message. And I managed to find a hole in the day where bf had gone to the doctor's and to get groceries.

It was short. Very short. I would have liked to talk a little more. But I'll take what I can get. I even got to see him. (yay)

I can't hide that he confuses me.

He rambled about not answering my text messages over the past month because he didn't think it was necessary to answer texts about me being on line. Which I understand. Then again, I didn't just send him those. I sent a few other kinds of messages, some of which he answered, some he didn't.

He also mentioned something he had said during our last online meeting (the one where he came all over his keyboard). He said that he would get himself off then ditch me. At the time, I just figured he had meant that he'd just take off (after wanking) cause he didn't have time to hang around. But the other day he said it with a different inflected tone. Something to the effect of:
me: "I haven't heard from you in ages, I was getting paranoid"

him: "I told you I'd ditch you after cumming" *with a sly grin on his face*
me: "I didn't think you meant it that way"

(this conversation was immensely edited to save time and reader boredom)

He was probably kidding. I hope. But it has been a recurring theme. The using and then ditching theme. I don't mind the using, but I'm not a big fan of the ditching afterward. Strangely it would make me feel 'used'. Does that make sense? It is a bit of a contradiction. I want to be used, like an object, but it's not the 'using' that makes me feel used, it would be the ditching.

I think it's something that guys tend to do in general. It's the porn theme, isn't it? It's the whole point of porn. To use something just so that it can be thrown away afterward. I remember a few guys on msn or skype ask me what I get out of being used... I get a lot out of it. I like the idea that they get off watching me. But being ditched (without reason) makes me feel a bit lonely, that I wasn't appreciated.

There was this one fantasy that Rob had told me about, made up on the spot. It was one that got me going and then left me feeling odd.

It was in a dark alley. He said he'd take me into this alley tie up my arms, fuck me (I think) and then have me kneel and suck him off. Then he'd walk away. Leave me there without turning back.

See, that's the kind of 'using' I wouldn't be able to get used to. I'm not sure what made him say it. Perhaps he thought I'd like it. Or maybe it's something he fantasizes about. In any case, it was one episode. I won't judge based on that.

I guess it's possible to 'use' someone, but still have respect. Being used and ditched doesn't show much respect. I guess that's what I've been trying to get at.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Mess follow up

Here's where the situation stands. My friend hasn't thought to take my comment off by himself.

my limited profile is still there.

So I know for certain he hasn't been on my blog. He lives in Japan, I'd have noticed it on my Sitemeter. The only thing I may have gotten is a visit from a friend in common who also comments on his blog. Since he posted his blog on Facebook, I had a window of about an hour and a half where any of his friends could have seen it, so Canadians. I'm not sure if I really care. They're not close enough to mean anything really.

But the situation is still at a stand still. I think I will ask him to remove it, offhandedly. I'll mention it to him. I just have to figure out the right wording.

At least this way I can post my blog back on my profile.

Friday, April 23, 2010

What a mess

I did something really terribly stupid yesterday, and I'm trying to fix it... I'm a mess.... a total freaky mess.

I had a whole long post today about Rob but I have to update on the status of my profile and blog.

I was tired last night. I was on the couch, distracted, watching Skins and looking at facebook, keeping an eye on the blogs via igoogle/reader. A Facebook friend of mine (an old acquaintance) started a food blog with recipes and he published on Facebook that he had posted a new recipe. So off I go to read it, and I comment on it innocently. Little did I realize off the bat that my ID was set for my blogger and not my normal gmail account.

Off I went to bed and I wake up, bolt straight in bed (bf was sleeping soundly luckily) and I jumped out of bed, turned the computer back on and went into a frenzy seeing that my comment, with my FACE was on his blog. My profile taking him straight to my blog, with the first page visible my HNT from thursday!!!


ARg.. so I went to delete it, hoping he hadn't seen it. Damn damn damn.

Well I went to delete it, I was panicking, I was shaking, I couldn't see much, I was exhausted with to much adrenaline pumping through me. The little window came up with the "delete" or "cancel" button... but little did I notice there was a tiny check mark asking if I wanted to delete it FOREVER. I just clicked "cancel".

There it is folks. The message was canceled, but my PROFILE AND PICTURE stayed. I can't get rid of it. If I had only just clicked that STUPID box it wouldn't be there anymore.

So I immediately thought of erasing my blog. I thought of everything. I couldn't concentrate on anything.

Luckily a skype friend was awake over in the states and helped me figure out what to do. I blocked my profile, took my blog off the profile, changed my profile to France, eliminated anything written about me, Changed the picture (a few times), changed the name of my blog to DIARY (even if the blogger address is the same). And I have now reactivated my public profile.
Alas my face still remains on his site. Only that if he clicks on the profile it now says "Female, France" with a different picture and my stupid random question about dinner with Hannibal Lector. Nothing more. No more mention of a blog.

Now what to do. I can't really leave it like this forever right?

For the time being I'll have to leave it like this. I am apologizing also to anyone who commented on my hnt, I wish I could have kept those comments they were all very sweet. I really really appreciate them.

I also want to apologize for having fooled around with comments on other peoples blogs, I was trying to figure out how to eliminate the comment better, after eliminating it once, that's it... nothing else to do. Specifically... that I can remember Sage's HNT post. Sorry hun. I'll try putting it back up. Fact is I tried it on my own blog comments, but since I am moderator it still gives me the opportunity to erase it permanently. So I was forced to try it out on someone else's blog.

I hope my friend doesn't have google reader, with a subscription to his comments. It would mean that even if he didn't see the profile with my blog, he'll probably guess it was me. I actually WROTE his name at the end of the comment. Since there are only 2 people commenting on his blog at the moment, I'd say it's pretty obvious.

Should I write him and ask him to eliminate the deleted comment forever (which he can do since he is moderator). Making some excuse that I have a fake profile for other types of blogs???? Any ideas people??

I'm shaking again, just writing about the bloody experience... don't want to repeat that again!

Yours Truely Cande.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Sex from the past... there's too many to remember now

When I was single after getting back from Mexico. The guy I had gone to Mexico with cheated on me, I met a whole range of guys I went to bed with. some I was emotionally involved with, others I wasn't.

I was walking down the street in my hometown one day to find a group of buskers. They played C.C.R. Which is something I enjoy, but the best part was the lead singer. He was HOT. I overheard them talking about playing at a place with a strange name and memorized it so I could go watch them.

At the time I had been hired in a shop to help out around Chirstmas with a group of other girls. I asked them if they knew the place I had heard them talk about and one did, telling me where it was. This same girl, that same day had told us nonchalantly how she had been woken in the "best" of ways. Her boyf had gone down on her that morning.

That Friday evening I went to this pizza place to see the C.C.R. band play. The place was small, cozy and full of people my age. There was beer, good pizza and good music. I was concentrated on the singer. I tried flirting with him, he responded a bit. But nothing amazing.

They were booked to play there again the next Friday.

I went in to work, told my work colleagues about the group I had seen, leaving any details out about the singer unless they had asked me. Turns out the girl I was working with, the one who had been woken by her boyf was the lead singer's girlfriend. Hah. What a coincidence that was.

Well that didn't deter me, I had already organized to head there on the Friday anyhow.

I sat on my own, at the bar. I drank a beer, I had my notebook where I scribbled and doodled and the guy behind the bar started talking to me. I have no idea what he said. He gave me some kind of compliment or said something funny. But I was yet again, hooked. He was a good looking guy.

I started going there a lot... all the time. Day and night. I met other guys in there. I hung out with "the guys" I knew everyone that worked there. I went there for lunch for dinner and till 2 in the morning after going to the clubs. I went there alone and with friends. But it was my hangout.

DD (aka the guy behind the bar) would give the most amazing hugs, every time I walked in. He knew exactly how to hug, how to slooowly run his hands along the waist, under the ribs, up the back pressed gently yet firmly to his body, and he smelled sooooooooo good. I can still remember his smell. He was a bit of a heart-breaker. I wanted him. I wanted him bad. But he had someone else he was seeing so I was happy just hanging out with him. I got to know his group of friends. And one was Jessie.

Jessie worked at the movie theatre next door. He knew how to fuck. Shit... he was good in bed. He was super tall, really sweet, but he was like a ballroom dancer in the bedroom, swinging me around, flipping me here and there, hiking me up, fucking me while standing. He wanted me in thigh highs, and heels. He knew how I wanted to be fucked, in fact I screamed with him. I can be very vocal when I've got the right person.

I think DD got word of my having sex with Jessie because, well Jessie told me that he had mentioned it to him and he had been jealous.

Not long after, I ended up staying late. DD asked me to stay till closing. To keep him company as he closed. He did his rounds, finished everything up. This was normal, I kept him company often. But this time something different happened. He turned the lights of the pizzeria open and the radio was on, the light of the drinks fridge light us just enough. The song "I've just seen a face" by Holly Cole was playing. I'll never forget it. I was leaning up against the wall watching him. He walked up to me, pinned my shoulders against the wall and kissed me.

Nope I'll never forget that song, or that kiss.

He took me home that night. We slept in the same bed. I touched him... barely touched him. He had a premature ejaculation problem. But I wanted him so bad. I was willing to wait all night (by this time it was morning) to have him inside me. But he turned and went to sleep. He was distant for the next while. Months even.

I eventually had sex with him. It was a year later. After I'd been my first year in Italy. And I've had sex with him every single time I've been back home. And the sex was always good. Very good.
Every time I've been back home I've cheated on my bf with him. He's the only one I've really steadily had an affair with. I was in love with him... or I thought I was. I was in Italy though and he was hundreds of thousands of miles away.

We even played on skype a few times. I stripped for him while he jerked off for me. It was rather sad, but I liked his company.

When he told me he was getting married, I got angry with him. When he told me he was going to have a baby. I was happy for him. I miss his hugs, I miss him sometimes.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Wait a minute...

Alright... this has already happened once before. When I turned 30. I hit a terrible low.

Next week is my 32nd birthday. This could be the reason for my feeling so weird. Feeling so needy to change. Should I take the hint and make the changes or should I hang on to what is supposed to be a meaningful relationship? Perhaps I should talk to a counselor first before going down the wrong road...

I talked to rob today via sms. He texted me. I was relieved. He told me when he'd be on. He even made the effort to tell me he was on this afternoon. I'm hoping to get some time alone in the afternoons this week so we can talk.

I had a bad evening last night. I was full of dread, I wanted to talk to bf about how I was feeling, but when push came to shove, I couldn't get a word out. I also knew that today we had guests coming so I didn't want to change a relatively "happy" mood for something more somber.

I guess I will embark on that conversation at some point soon.

Part of that mood was brought on not only by some helpful comments but also a Chatroulette meeting with a really cute guy from Holland. I'll never see him again. Chatroulette kicked us off and we hadn't exchanged emails. He somehow saw that something was up. He saw it fast and told me that it wasn't worth wasting my time. It was so strange. I hadn't said anything about me or my relationship. He just kinda knew. He had come out of a similar situation, I found out afterward. I wish I had exchanged emails with him.

Next was a 22 yr old Spanish kid. He was fun. Nothing terribly serious, but he kept saying he wanted me to come to Spain. Probably lack of other English things to say seeing as his English wasn't great.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Avoid me why don't you?

I've been thinking about Rob a lot. I miss him terribly.

It has been a long while. He's probably regretting asking me to come over there. He's avoiding me.

I even sent him an email to see if he'd answer, he rarely looks at his emails. But he hasn't answered... who knows.

Today bf asked me if I wanted to know the prices of flights to London for June. HE asked me. I was awestruck. I'm not sure if he was including himself in the trip or not. But he was serious.

I'm not sure at this point if Rob still wants me to come. I'll just have to play it by ear.

I haven't had any sex in AGES. I'm not even sure how long it has been. I should try to figure it out. It must be a month. When was the last time I posted about it? Oh right on the 29th of March, so no, not a month, but long enough.

I've been busy and bf is ALWAYS home now. So I have NO time to myself. I need my space. I need my "alone" time. I don't know how long I'll be able to deal with this.

I had a discussion about banks and money and mortgages with bf. It was of course all brought on by my blogging and all of the questions my blog friends have been asking me.

He is quite obviously opposed to looking into it. Although he might soften up. He says that with the interest rates, we'd be paying would double the price of the house. Especially if we can't pay a down payment. He's right of course, I did say that he was street smart.

After that last post. I have been seriously contemplating talking to bf about my thoughts. Telling him that perhaps it's time for a break. It's not easy we're sharing a rented apartment. We've got a parrot, we have A LOT of friends we'd have to deal with. But perhaps it is for the best. I'll be thinking about it. I'm sure he'd convince me that it's not the best thing. That we need to stay together. I'm a bit afraid of telling him how I feel, I don't want to hurt him.

It's also strange this language thing. Things seem less real when you're saying things in a language that isn't the one you grew up with...

Thoughts, thoughts....

Saturday, April 17, 2010

It was something I said.

So today I said something really horrible to my bf. I shouldn't have. But he didn't seem to notice. I have been dropping some pretty heavy going hints recently.

Today he told me that I've been spending too much time on the computer. That I don't have any stimuli to do anything else. This is and isn't true. I have had stimuli, enough to go to an art show on my own and go out for drinks with friends.

I said that I couldn't possibly be stimulated with someone who was so un-stimulating.

It was the honest truth. But it was brutal of me to say it so bluntly.

I am an artistic person. I love everything from art, painting, music, film, nature, ANYTHING. He is almost the opposite. He hates museums. He refuses to come to an art show with me. He hates the music I listen to. He never stays awake during a movie and he rarely takes me to the movies. He likes the beach (perhaps the only thing we have in common) but he likes to harpoon things while I prefer to look at them through my snorkeling mask.

Sometimes I feel like I need an accomplice in crime.... he doesn't see that as his role at all.

I wouldn't mind having a mind to bounce artistic ideas off of, or talk to about music or movies that I love.

Don't get me wrong. I feel like I'm being terribly negative these days. We do have our moments. We play wrestle, we giggle together about life, and he can make me laugh. He often has good insight into my problems, he is ingenuous in how to resolve them. He is also street wise. He has a lot of great qualities.

I just think that there's someone else out there who is more compatible with me. Am I wrong for thinking that and looking for it?

Friday, April 16, 2010

My Blog, My Home

I've been spending a lot more time around my blog recently. I've realized that for the first time since I started it I really feel at home with it. It started out as something that I interacted with rarely, sort of from a distance. Recently there has been a flourishing of some of the blogs around me that I have become very attached to very quickly.  They keep me coming back for more. I wish there were more women that I relate to more. There are many female written blogs out there. But I haven't connected to as many as I'd like.

Here is a list of the blogs I keep a very close eye on. In no specific order. They don't get nearly enough following in my humble opinion:

Rachel-xx: because we are so similar, it's like looking into a mirror... so strange, and therapeutic for me in some way. She brings things up that I should have noticed ages ago.

The Relief Diary: because he is blatantly real, no beating around the bush, no censorship. Just life.

Confessions of a Bastard: intriguing insight into a "cheating man's" mind. There's nothing Bastard about him. Just a normal person. But when seen from the opposite side, things probably change.

Free Advice is What you Pay for it: This is an eclectic mix of everything. Poetry, fantasy, life, pictures... It's hot, harsh, sexy, and insightful.

The Cheat: Again, insight into a man's side of sexuality, with an fully open mind which is refreshing.... very refreshing.

So if you haven't checked them out already, get your butt's in gear and have a look. Open your horizons.

This is another blog that I wanted to post. When I wrote this post I hadn't really come across it. There's so much out there and so little time... but this is another female blog that I will continue following with a passion!
Confessions of a Good Mom and Wife

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

HNT Black corset 2

Oh yes... This is a favourite of mine.
It was done in a series for hnt a while back with the corset. I forwarded a few on to Rob with my face. I now have photoshop back and can crop them as I please.

Enjoy :)

Just to clarify.

There's some confusion here. I may have written about this when I started my blog but I honestly can't remember if I did or not, and I can't be bothered to check so I'm going to explain it anyhow.

My bf was a pipe-fitter in a chemical plant for about 13 years. I'm actually not sure how long it was, but it was since before I met him. He was unhappily working when one day he had an accident. Actually two. I'm not going to go into detail, just in case someone I know is reading and wondering if it's me or not... (which I'm sure is super evident at this point). Anyhow he had these two accidents. The first was an injury, an important one that left him with a minor disability (which has luckily almost completely recovered) and the other was a massive accident on the work site where he risked losing his life. After these two incidents, he got a pay out  from the company insurance (obviously) and he quit working. Partially due to my pushing him to quit.

My bf has many other abilities, among which cooking, as you all know. And he manages to support himself with the sum from the insurance and the odd jobs he does on weekends or whatever he can pick up. He's fully self sufficient.

I think it came across that I was supporting him while he just did the cooking and cleaning. It's not the case. And to be clearer, I do the dishes every day basically twice a day. That's about all I do to help out. Apart from the occasional meal that I cook, or clean the bathroom on occasion and I dust occasionally (when it gets bad, because he doesn't do it). I make the bed in the morning too, but I certainly can't say I help out because he does all the big things. He does the laundry, washing and sweeping the floors, cooking, looks after feeding and cleaning our parrot. He does it all.

Right. now that that's cleared up... any questions? hah

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

No contract, No credit

I was talking to my best friend back home. She has been through a bunch of crap recently. Her husband (my ex) is bi-polar and has always had a lot of problems. He hasn't had a job in about 11 years. After yet another horrible event in her life, with him as the protagonist I started asking her if it was worth it. And once I forced her to analyze her situation, I felt compelled to analyze my own.

I came back to her a few weeks later telling her about how things were going with Rob, seeing as she's the only one that knows about him. And I started telling her that I really couldn't understand why it is that I keep looking for something external when in reality there's nothing wrong with my relationship.

From the outside everything seems perfect. If any of our friends had to comment on our relationship they'd say that it's ideal really. What I don't understand is why I feel like I should give up on it if there's nothing wrong with it.. I wouldn't even have a "reason" to break up with my bf.

What would I tell him?

"Oh sorry, I just don't think it's working."
"Ummm because you don't slap me around enough when we have sex..."
"Oh... ok"

I just don't see that happening. Or maybe it would go something more like this:

"I'm not happy in this relationship"
"How could YOU not be happy in this relationship?? I do all the cooking, cleaning and grocery shopping!!"

Yeah. He'd be right too. I don't do anything to help out. Then again he doesn't work and I do. But that's not an excuse.
I don't seem to have any footholds here. I mean I'd be skating on thin ice to try to break up without motive. And people would shoot me for giving up a guy who cooks amazing Italian food and cleans for me.

Sometimes I feel like it's the only way out though, the only way to keep moving. I feel like things are getting stagnant. There's no real motivation to move forward.
No marriage in sight, no house, no children... Not that I've decided I want children mind you. But I wouldn't mind seeing some kind of progress in the direction of a normal relationship.

After 11 years, you'd think there'd be some progress.

The excuses on his part? (And I totally understand this but it's not emotionally enough to satisfy me)
No money.
We don't have the money to buy a house. Or to get married. Or to have kids.
Since he doesn't work he doesn't have a long term contract to be able to trade in for a mortgage. I have never had a long term contract. I'm a freelancer, so I officially don't have credit. No contract in Italy, no credit.

Monday, April 12, 2010


I've been waiting. It has been way too long. Rob hasn't been on line for ages. The last time was when I posted about him asking me to come to London. That was over a month ago. I've texted him a few times, and I've gotten a few answers but nothing really concrete. This has happened before, I shouldn't be surprised. But each time I tend to think that he's afraid of me or I make him afraid of himself. Who knows which. I'll let it is, as per usual, hoping that he'll come round eventually

On a lighter note I've been back in touch with the Italian guy. He's cool. He told me that some guy walked up to him on the street offering him 500 Euros to fuck his 26 yr old wife while he watched. Why don't things like that happen to me??? No fair! Anyhow he said that he didn't say no. He took down the guy's number and said he'd think about it. I bet you're all asking yourselves WTF?? He didn't say yes right away??? Well honestly I don't blame him. Who's to know that he wouldn't have arrived at a house full of gay men wanting to gang bang a young good looking guy. So I told him to call the number and organize a meeting over coffee with this guy and his wife. That way he knows who is gotten into stuff with and what the wife looks like.

On a completely different topic... back to the google topic (that I love so much). I actually subscribed to my own blog, so that I can tell if my posts are going up ok from google docs. And I found out that I have 121 subscribers! I mean woah buddy. Who knew? So I guess that's it... you'd only know if there are subscribers by subscribing to your own posts. I wonder if Raoul subscribes to his own posts. Not likely eh....

The only drawback to this google docs posting thing is that I can't schedule posts as far as I can tell. Which was really useful. But perhaps I won't need it now seeing as I can get on to google docs pretty much every day. It's just the time that I preferred that I may not be able to post at. The posting times will be more random.

I do also admit that I miss seeing my blogger page. Seeing the number of comments grow, and being able to see the profile pics of people on other people's blog comments. I will not be able to access certain information unless I go there directly, like the number of my followers, and certain blog comments which I can't "subscribe" to for some reason. I'm not sure how to do it if there's no button. Maybe I'll just have to convince those people who don't have it to get the button on there so I can follow better.

Oh and there's also the fact that igoogle or reader, I'm not sure which, is slow at forwarding new posts and comments... but I'll survive.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I Love igoogle

I'm so stoked about this whole google thing I can't begin to explain how relieved I'm feeling. I generally have igoogle set up on my real-life google account. I've got a nice skin, I've got my weather, my gmail and facebook on there. I rarely use it anymore, I generally just go straight to facebook.

Here's what I've done: I've set up an almost identical igoogle page with my alter-ego account. I've got Reader, Hotmail and Weather. I've got it set up so that reader is on top, and hotmail is below. This way Hotmail can't be seen unless I scroll down. This means I can spend all the time I want on reader looking at all my favourite blogs and I can keep an eye on my Hotmail messages.

This way bf has no idea what I'm doing. But it is all much more anonymous. it's all just text, not as many sexy pictures... which I enjoy, but I can always have a peek at those when bf isn't around.

And I am now updating directly from google docs. Which means I, yet again, have the anonymity of a blank document compared to my blogger page with "Secret Diary of an Online Stripper" in bold on the top of the page. There was no way to hide that. On the new post page you can't even scroll down.

Right, I'm satisfied. I didn't even have to open a "fake" diary YAY!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Google reader!

Google reader!!

I am completely fascinated by the whole google thing. I have figured out how to use google reader, how to connect to all the blogs I follow, and I may have even found a way to post directly from google docs. This will make things easier for me. Less suspicious to bf and I may be able to work things a bit better.

Now the problem is whether Raoul will notice that I'm following him. When I went to his blog and clicked subscribe, a message came out saying "Raoul has 0 subscriptions" and on the line below there's the "subscribe" button. At this point I'm assume it'll come up that I'm following. so I guess I'll just have to stick with stopping by occasionally.

Thanks to a handful of people who helped me get this idea rolling! Love you guys :-D

The other blog.

Right... he knows
I went back to his blog to see if I could find a way to put it into a reader of sorts, so that it would come to me by email. But nooo there's not button. There's just a Blogger follow button, which doesn't help me any because I have to follow as my own alter ego and he'll figure out who I am, or I have to follow anonymously, and be the FIRST follower on his site.

No matter. I went back, and there was a post wondering who one of his followers was. It went something like this: Who are the followers on my blog? I don't really care. If it is who I think it is, it's a bit of a surprise.

He must have a tracker that I can't see. I can't decide whether to tell him I found it. I think it would be the most honest thing to do. Or just ignore that it exists and never go back.

Dilemma, dilemma.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The world is getting smaller.

Ohh my goodness... What I just stumbled upon while looking for something completely innocent.

It was my Facebook friend Raoul. He posted something that I was curious about finding a picture of. when I didn't find anything that matched the search on google images, I went and checked on the web, and his blog came up! I mean WTF?? He has a blog?!? It was the ONLY thing that came up with that sentence in quotation marks! I mean how random is that?

There are no followers, so I bookmarked it.

He rambles, it's a diary. It's serious stuff too. He talks about Facebook, and how it caused him heartache. He talks about an ex. But it's not me, we were never "together". He talks about disappearing, he blocks people, doesn't respond. I guess I'm part of all of that.

I just hope he doesn't have a tracker ( I couldn't find one) but he'll think I'm stalking him. It was pure chance... though. Maybe I should tell him that I found it. It's just so easy to recognize me, Italy... why would Italy visit his blog?? I'm about the only reason.

I probably shouldn't go back anytime soon... I'll be tempted to death though.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

something is up...

BF asked me if I had found a boyfriend in London. If that was why I wanted to go on my own, without him. He was half joking. I answered a very dry, "no" and that was that.

I imagine he has a gut feeling that something is up.

I don't know if it's just a phase, the melancholy phase, that brings out these worries in me. I tend to notice a lot of negative things though. He asked me in the car who got the short end of the stick in our relationship. He said it with a smile on his face, he had had some wine. But my answer was that we are pretty equal. He didn't agree, he said that he got the short end. That I had trapped him into this relationship. I asked him three times, while smiling, if that meant that he wanted to be let go. And he changed the subject.

That can't be right.... Something is amiss.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Use me

I am a receptacle. I need to be filled. I have different openings where you can put things. All my openings are moist and warm. The one in the top is wide. It needs to be filled, choked, stuffed, stifled, forced, full of You. The tongue inside will wrap around You, envelop You, and You will force yourself in until You can't go any further.

There are two openings below.  One is small and tight. It is taboo to fill that opening. But that is why I want it filled. I want You to fill it with yourself. I want You to make that opening wider. I want to feel my opening stretch. I want to feel the pain, the pleasure of that opening being used. I want to break that taboo. That opening will envelop You. It will conform to You. And therefore You will always want more.

The other is softer, wetter, warmer, inviting.  It's slippery and You slide in easily . This is the opening that is used the most. It is the opening that needs to be used the most. This opening needs more, it can never get enough, it is bottomless. It needs to feel. It needs to be jammed to to its maximum capacity. It needs to be banged, filled, satisfied, pumped until You are finished, but no earlier.

It is easy. I am a receptacle, I am here to be used. Why don't you use me?


I sometimes wonder if what I have is what is best for me. I wonder that relatively often. Is that an indicator that things aren't going well?

I often wonder if "soul mates" exist.

This time my wondering has been brought on by little things that get on my nerves. The lack of appreciation that I find myself confronted with sometimes, just gets to me. There's no appreciation for anything. Even simple things like food. They get scarfed down without the smallest pause to understand what it is he's eating. Or even the appreciation of a gift, that it took time and thought to get it. There really is nothing that he stops to appreciate.

The best example was used once in "Dawson's Creek". I'll never forget it. It was about ice-cream in summer. It's melting, you're really hungry, and hot. What do you do? Scarf it all down or lick it slowly to appreciate the flavours and to tease yourself?
You really want to just push the whole thing down your throat, but it's much more seductive to lick it slowly and appreciate that you even have the ice-cream. A woman is the same, she needs to be savoured.

There's also the missing knowledge of how to seduce that gets to me. I am really missing that passion. Sure there's sex, and it's good sex, it's passionate once it has been started. But getting started is such a sad event. I doubt it should be like that. I doubt I should be turned off by the initiation.

Saturday, April 3, 2010


I made a mistake. I went on to chatroulette the other day and started chatting with a guy. I found out he is from a town near mine, 26, and cute. He lives in Rome.
He's a little too close to home.

We get along well. I talked to him for about 2 hours this evening, and I didn't take anything off. Just talked.

Not sure where this might go, but it feels a bit dangerous... not physically dangerous. Mentally.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

HNT de milo style.

Yep, I decided to go for a full frontal today.... it was a request a while back. And I happened to have a nice pic that would work.