Wednesday, December 28, 2016


There have been very few occasions when I've cried during an orgasm. A couple with the bf and a couple with Rob. 
Neither person has ever noticed as far as I know. It's not like I break down into a sobbing mess. 

I'm not sure how long it's been since the bf and I had sex. But I do know it's been over a week since I've had an orgasm, even on my own. I've been incredibly horny for days. My nights were spent dreaming of sex to the point I wasn't sure if I'd possibly had a nocturnal orgasm the night before Christmas. But with the bf here I hadn't ventured into masturbating in bed with him sleeping next to me, even if I've done it numerous times before. 

This morning, after he got up for a few hours to let me sleep in, he crawled back into bed with me and we had sex. 

The orgasm was self assisted and it was frustratingly difficult to reach but when it came I screamed into his pillow and cried. 

The tear factor always confuses me. I'm never quite sure what causes it. There's this momentary and very intense sadness that hits me and I have no idea what I'm sad about in that very precise instant. It's obviously not just sadness, there's happiness, joy and most definitely a fucking huge release. 

It's this intense rush of emotions, chemicals flood the brain and muscles go into a frenzy. Fuck is it ever good. 

Saturday, December 17, 2016


When I get myself off without any visual aid I live inside my brain. It's an odd thing to analyze, I know because I've tried before and I'm not sure I was very successful. I'd like to try again. 
When I think of sex, when I fantasize about sex, my brain tends to choose a perspective or two. One is my own perspective. I visualize things as if I'm seeing it myself. However this is not my brain's preferred perspective. My brain's preferred perspective is from the guy's point of view. To the point of imagining what he would feel. 
My brain will switch back and forth between the two depending on what is more appealing. 
From the man's perspective I can imagine what it would feel like to thrust a cock deep down a throat. I can imagine holding a woman's ass as she's being fucked from behind. To be honest the woman is always me. Yes, this seems weird even to me. I can picture my (man) self fucking my (woman) self. But my 'man self' is not actually me. It's just me seeing through my partner's perspective. 

I imagine that on reason for my empathy; this capacity to feel what he is feeling, comes from porn. The imagery we see is almost always from his perspective. It has been engrained into my fantasies. I have never seen a porn video eroticize men like most porn does with women. I would be curious to see that. The only types of videos that do are gay porn, which is probably why I don't mind (though I don't actively search for it) gay porn. 

Another reason comes from my innate need to please. I want to please my partner so much that I embody his person's perspective. How else will I know if it pleases him? 

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Crafty Christmas

The holidays are always a difficult time here. Normally bf works on the evening of the 24th so I'm home alone. It's a little depressing. I miss the family dinners with chicken, stuffing and cranberry sauce and Christmas pudding doused in liqueur and flambéed.

I'll be home alone on the 24th again this year this year though we are leaving on the 25th with his family to visit a nearby city.

Last year was lovely. It was the first (possibly second) time I've had a normal Christmas while living in this country. We went to Florence for a night, we left on the 24th and spent it having a nice dinner. Then on the 25th morning we woke up and opened some small gifts in pyjamas. It was homey even if we weren't at home, or anywhere near a Christmas tree.

The holidays are always the hardest as an ex-pat. For me it's mostly Halloween and Christmas that make me homesick. Easter wasn't a huge thing with my family, although I do miss Easter egg hunts.

I've been super busy these days though. I've barely had time to think about Christmas. I've been making gifts for people. Every free minute I have is spent crafting something or other. Crafting keeps my mind off everything. It's better than sex... at least, it is at the moment, since I'm not getting any.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016


So the art school where I work is winding down for the year. Last week was the last course until the new year. I'm sort of glad because I was/am exhausted and I needed an easier workload. At the same time though I won't see co-w for a while. 

While I was at work on Wednesday I got a message from co-worker. It was strange though because we were working together. When I took a peek I saw this:

He sent me a picture of my own ass. 
It obviously had me laughing. 

He also came up to the students while I was about to explain something and he asked them to pay attention because I was really 'delicious'.... Everyone just stared. My eyes grew wide, incredulous, I may have flushed and then I realized and corrected him 'delightful!'. 

Later that day I sent him a text saying 'how do you know I'm delicious if you've never tasted me?' 

His response was: I dream your flavour. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

After Oblivion

My last post Oblivion was written in a moment of high sexual tension mixed with anxiety. I needed to get out of my head. I needed something to distract me so entirely that the effects would last for the whole night and part of the next day. Rob is the only true cure for that. 

I had sent him a text hoping he'd be free but he wasn't. I was horny but wasn't in the mood for a solo release. So I wrote the post, and then tried to read for a while. It wasn't working though. 
I turned to redtube, it was a passionHD video or something similar, it was working but slowly. Halfway through Rob texted me asking if I'd sorted myself out, I hadn't, and he asked me if I wanted some help. 

It was amazing. It was intense. He whispered to me until I came twice. It had been a while since it was so intense. Damn was the release ever good. Oblivion was exactly what I'd call it. It worked. 

Monday, November 14, 2016


"Fuck me tonight". 
I need to get out of my head and into yours. I crave your brain, it turns me on. I want to hear all the taboo things you'd do to me and more. Show me. Paint a picture of words. I want to let the whispers wash away every scrap of my being and make it new. Tell me I'm a slut and make me repeat it. Don't let me think for myself. I'm begging you. 
Hands working fast, body following suit, brain incapable of coherent thought. Help me give in, give up. Let emotions, feelings, sensations give way to sexual oblivion. Sweet ecstasy, sweeter release. Breathe. Regain self. Repeat. 

Monday, November 7, 2016


"Wanna watch?"
I texted him the other morning. We'd had a brief chat the day before, there was some hint at me needing to get off and postponing it to morning. I woke up, and sent him a text from the warmth of my duvet and bed. 
For the most part he just sat and watched as he often does, he pitched in as I got closer. He brought me over the edge filling my ears with delicious naughty names and words. Things that get me wet the instant I hear them. 
I'd promised it would be short and sweet and it was. I want more tho. I always want more. At some point he said something that made me laugh and it was good. Laughing while having sex is one of my favourite things. It somehow makes things even better. 

This morning there was more short and sweet with the bf. We had sex for the first time in ages. It was good. It was short tho. I could use more. 

Im happy to say that the two events along with my feeling quite a bit better have reinstated my libido.

Oh and I was a vampire for Halloween, not the sexy kind either. I had an awesome Halloween mingling with zombies at a theme park. Good times. 

Sunday, October 23, 2016


Today I went to a craft fair, got a bunch of scrap fabric, including some stretch lace and made this little crop lace bralette. I'm pretty proud considering it took all of 10 minutes to make, and it cost me about 50 cents. 

I've been super busy and stressed this week, almost to the point of tears, today was a good distraction, but I need some good hard, rough fucking, I want bruises. 

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Craving Gratification

You are a constant thought, in the front of my mind today. Usually you reside in the back of my mind. It's an intense desire to know, to understand, to connect. I don't know why it's so urgent. There's no reason for it to be. I'm well and seemingly happy. Perhaps it's because I have too much time on my hands today, or maybe it's because I was talking about you yesterday. And then I look at the pics from our last encounter and they were exactly a year ago, give or take a day. 

I wouldn't attribute the intensity to that, but at least I'm comforted in knowing that it's been a year since we last met and my body and mind still crave you fiercely. I would be content just sitting next to you as you watch tv or play on your phone. I don't need much just a touch, the sparkle of your eyes as I straddle you to interrupt your show, begging for attention. The sensation of your hands as they take mine, leading me toward the bedroom. Your voice as you order me to bend over. 

If you vanished at this point, if the magic spell wore off, I'd still be gratified. 

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Feeling Better

Yes, my friends, I am starting to feel better. I finally got to see a specialist and got a diagnosis for gastritis. It's apparently a long process to fix it though. I have a couple months of medication plus some testing to make sure there isn't a more serious underlying problem like allergies.

On a somewhat different topic.... After getting fucked silly by Rob on our last encounter I had noticed some changes in my health, they were for the better and I had oddly posited that he/his very large cock may have straightened me out. Maybe this is TMI but my uterus was folded, I had ultrasounds and multiple doctors telling me so.
Last time I went for an ultrasound, trying to figure my latest health issues out, the gynecologist told me that my uterus was normal, the fold was somehow gone. So yeah, I guess I was right.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016


I can't seem to get better. I finally got some tests back and other than my usual kidney stones I don't seem to have anything, the H.pylori test came back negative. Typical. Story of my life. Maybe it's just the combination of kidney stones and my fibromyalgia that just don't mix. Hard to say. I thought I had gastritis, but my symptoms could be caused by the kidney stones, yet the ultrasound technician said it wasn't that. The stones aren't big enough. 
So then my hypothesis is that the food poisoning I got in Panama came back... 
I'll head to a gastroenterologist nest week if this doesn't clear up. 

So yeah fun stuff. 

Other than that no news.  

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

I'm not dead!

So yeah I've been neglecting the blog and I apologize for that.
I have a series of excuses but in reality there is no excuse. I should be trying to post more often.

1) I have been crazy busy. Co-W was away for one of our busiest weeks at the art school, my boss was a nightmare to work with.

2) It's September and I teach English so I have a buttload of new and old kids (and adults) who are starting lessons right now.

3) I have not been well at all. I haven't been well for somewhere around 3 months. At the moment I think it's kidney stones but there are other issues I'm desperately trying to sort out as well. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for an ultrasound and I have test results coming in next week to see if I have helicobacter and peptic ulcers (dread dread).

4) I have been spending all my free time with the bf or working on art rather than on the computer.

Rob asked me to create something artistic for him which I did and thoroughly enjoyed. I had to use quill pens and fountain pens and calligraphy which I haven't done in years. Plus I got to buy shiny new art supplies, so I have been sucked into the vortex of a new technique and have been entirely too enthralled by that. When I'm feeling well enough I sit and draw or paint or whatever you want to call this technique with a quill pen and beautiful gold ink. Good fun.

5) I haven't had much to say over the past while. But this is not a valid excuse, writing begets writing so I should simply do more of it.

6) when I do find some time to write I'm feeling lazy and would rather watch a TV show (also not a valid excuse).

So there it is, my valiant return to the blogworld. I hope all 4 of my readers are well.

I will be back sooner this time.

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Hi! Hello! Hey!

Yep, I'm back.... here on the blog I mean. I got back from holidays a while ago now but I've been busy. That's not to say that I haven't had time to blog, I probably have, I've just been using that time in other ways.Work, beach, boyfriend.

First things first. How did the holiday go?
It started off terribly. We had a massive argument on day two. I think It was a combination of things, a lot of which was me still being really angry at him and not able to let things go. Every little thing seemed personal. If he ignored my street directions while he was driving I just automatically assumed it was because he didn't think my map was good enough, or that my directions were correct... There was some of that I think, I mean after I mentioned it to him, after the argument, he got much better at taking directions from me.TBH I can't even remember the rest of the argument but it lasted 2 full days. I remember one thing though that really made me angry and the reason why it lasted 2 days instead of just one and a half. On day two I came up to him and said, "do you want to talk?" and he refused. This was after a full day of cold shoulder. I personally have never sent him away if he wanted to talk. I have asked to put off a conversation because I had to work in 20 minutes and didn't want to get into anything, but I have never downright refused to talk to him if he came up to me.

So that day, I left, I went on a tour of the city we were staying in, alone, and had a lovely time. I took pictures and shared them on social media, I visited a castle and its herb garden, I had expensive iced coffee in a fancy café that he'd never have done with me (he's cheap, I don't mind most times but sometimes I like to treat myself), I had a grand time.

The rest of the holiday went really well. It is a beautiful part of the world and the beaches are especially spectacular, and I've seen some amazing beaches, Thailand, Philippines, Indonesia, but these were right up there with the best of them for beauty.


So what else is up... 
I haven't been well. Even while on holiday I was not well. I have been slightly unwell for about 3 months now. I don't know what's going on, I had blood tests done and nothing much showed up, so now I have to get a couple other things checked to see what's going on. I think that's another reason why I've been so quiet recently. If I am home alone, which has been rare recently, I have been nursing a sore stomach or something. So a lot of laying around watching movies, laying on the beach, hanging with friends and yeah quite a bit of work too. 

Today is the first weekend since we got back where the bf is working so I'm home alone. I got a couple texts off Rob today. But apart from that nothing else is going on. It's really super tame around here.

Last week at work, on Friday morning I wore shorts to work, I wear shorts to work often, it's not a new thing, but Co-W must have been horny because he looked at me from behind and growled "tight", (it wasn't a reference to my shorts being tight either (they weren't), but the word is used only in connection to muscle and tone). He then made huffing/grunting noises like an animal and mumbled something about my legs.

So yeah, that's my post holiday update! I hope everyone out in cyber-stalking-space is good.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Addressing the Issues

The bf and I had a talk.
I wasn't sure how it was going to go. I was so nervous before the conversation that I felt sick. He just texted me and said that he'd be coming over at 2:30. I had some fear that he was going to outright break up with me. I had my own doubts whether I'd break up with him. I knew that if our conversation was ugly I would be the one to say it was over.

The conversation, however, was not what I expected. There was more arguing, more discussion, more explaining but no tears or explosive anger from the previous conversation.

In the end he did not apologize and I accepted this fact. We are still together.

There is no decent explanation I can give to explain my choice except that the bf doesn't often try to dictate what I do. This was close to a first... I can't say for sure it was the first time but in the 18 years that we've been together I don't remember another time clearly. The fact that it came out as an order was not deliberate, or if it was deliberate, he certainly won't be trying it again after what just happened.
He could have worded things differently. He could have suggested rather than ordered, he could have asked, he could have expressed his concerns or doubts differently. I reacted to his words and the situation degenerated.

I will obviously be on the lookout for signs. I am in a constant state of questioning my relationship right now, and this seems to be a cycle I go through. There are ups and downs and I guess this is a down.

I appreciate each and every comment my friends/readers have left here: Canuck, Peter, Johanna (so happy to hear from you!), Lee, Anon1 and 2 whoever you are.  I know that my sticking with him may exasperate some of you. I don't know if it's the right choice. I truly don't. But for now, it's what's happening.

We're heading on holiday for 10 days. I'm hoping to see my stress levels melt. I feel like the internet, this country and reality is just really getting in the way of my happiness right now. I need to get away from it.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016


After the incident with the bf on Sunday we talked. We talked on Monday. I was upset, I cried, I was angry and I let out some of that, within reason. I was not harsh with him. I made it clear though that his comment hurt. He took it fine, he apologized for it, he showed regret for it and I told him: "you can say sorry all you want but if you cut off someone's leg, 'sorry' isn't going to put it back together."

Yesterday I was feeling more positive, I was still hurt, still angry but hoping he would be on his best behaviour so I asked him if he wanted to go to the beach Tuesday afternoon. It went well. We were good. By the time evening rolled around we had plans with friends and family to meet up. I went to get dressed. I wore a maxi-dress without a bra. Now, in summer I rarely wear bras anymore. It's 37°C most days and evenings are in around 33°C, I have small breasts but I try to be conscious of what I wear, in that I don't wear see through garments without a bra, and I don't wear things that are too low cut so that when I bend over I avoid men peering down my shirt.
The neckline on my dress came up to my collar bones almost.
He told me; outright ordered me to put a bra on.

Let me take a step back. A few nights ago (before the Sunday child comment) we were heading out just the two of us and I decided to go braless and he did the same thing. I refused, and he insisted. He said that I was just trying to attract attention. I refused again and he made a comment about asking to be raped. I got angry but controlled it and told him to be very careful about making comments like that, mentioning that women are not responsible for men's actions.

Back to last night. I asked him why I should put a bra on. His answer was that my "tits are hanging out". Which they obviously weren't, my dress was high enough and the cotton was certainly not see-through. Yes, my nipples were not taped up, but I'm personally not too bothered by that.
When I said no again and insisted that my "tits weren't hanging out", from there things degenerated. I told him that I could wear what I want and that he has no say in what I put on my body. I was furious. I did not react well. I'm sure that I probably went overboard in my reactions but this situation mixed with the bra comment from the other day mixed with the Sunday comment about kids, I just had a meltdown.

We sort of managed a half discussion at some point during the argument and he said that his main issue was that when he goes out with his friends and they see a woman dressed in certain ways, someone always makes lewd comments and it bothers him. So I told him that he should talk to his friends about the way they comment on women, not expect women to change what they wear. But this didn't seem to register with him. He was angry about my outburst instead.

We went out, handled the evening with friends and family, but didn't talk the whole car trip there or back and haven't heard from him today.
I have many things running through my head. My sister is trying to convince me to talk to him, maybe giving things some time to settle first. What feedback I got through the blog comments and Rob is that he's acting like a dick. I have an urge to cut things off completely. I think he mentioned it during our argument yesterday because I was saying that he was walking a fine and dangerous line.
I told him that between all these comments that things weren't looking good. And he said something about breaking up.

We're both really angry and I don't know how to fix my anger. I don't know if I have the patience to talk to him, to educate him on women's rights. That it's men who need to control themselves more. However, I am dealing with someone who grew up in a religiously conservative culture. He may not be outwardly religiously conservative but he has that background.

In fact one of the things he said to me was "I've always bought you short skirts, so you can't say that I normally have a problem with you dressing in certain ways".
My answer to that would have to be (since I didn't have the insight to say it yesterday) "so if you decide I can wear certain things it's ok, but if I decide to wear certain things it's not?"

I'm tired. So very, very tired.
We're supposed to go on holiday next week. Really not sure that is going to happen.

Sunday, July 31, 2016


A single innocent comment. Except this morning all the innocent comments were on the cruel side. 
The last one had me in tears. I can't say that I'm perfectly emotionally stable, tears come easily these days. Had it been another day maybe I'd have dealt with it better but not today. 

We're at the beach and I made an offhand comment about not enjoying the constant sound of children screaming. His comment: "you're just envious because you don't have any of your own."
I was literally dumbstruck, I had no sarcastic comeback for him. In these situations I usually try to find something equally mean to say and we laugh about it, this time I couldn't think of anything. Half hour later my brain came up with "It's not my fault you're not capable of having them." 

I spent that half hour leaking tears quietly behind sunglasses and a hat. When he figured out that something was wrong he tried to talk to me, kept asking if I was angry with him. I kept telling him I didn't want to talk about it. Talking about it would have compounded the issue, he insisted on trying though, to the point that he apologized for the comment without me telling him. He figured it out on his own. Except his apology just made things worse and I cried harder. Asking him to please leave me alone. 

Same story as always, the decision of whether or not to have kids was not mine. It was his. I can't say I have a conscious regret of going along with the decision but if I were an external entity observing myself I'd say that I have a buried regret. 

The comment made me angry, it hurt, I found it terribly insensitive. It want intentional though, so what do I do? Ignore it?

Not sure how long it will take me to get over this one. The last comment related to children took me years to digest. I have the feeling this may take a a while. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

The Girl

Today I saw a girl. She made me turn my head, she made me want her. 

She was quite androgynous, boyish features, slim, petit, small breasts. She had a boy cut bordering on pixie cut, blond hair. She was wearing a crop top with her bathing suit underneath and a pair of cut off jean shorts. When she turned and walked past, the back of her small bathing suit was visible out the top of her shorts. 

It was the glance, she looked me straight in the eye and gave the slightest crooked smile. Maybe it's just me but there was something in that glance. It was like she was saying, I see you, you don't fool me with that man. I was with the bf. 

This is almost a first for me, I've only ever wanted another girl when I was drunk. I've never noticed girls checking me out.
I think that the culture here is so closed minded that it would be difficult for me to even try anything, if I were back home, it would possibly be different. 

Sometimes I wonder how important these experiences are. Is connection what we're all looking for? Should this be a goal or is there a point where we need to say 'I'm happy with where I am'?  

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Flirt and Gore.

The only mildly interesting thing recently is that I've been super horny. It must show because Co-W unhooked my bra at work, it was peeking out the back of my tank top. He gloated about it after, asking if I'd met anyone who could undo a bra faster. He's right though, it was very fast. It was in front of other colleagues. I believe he was showing off for the other girl too. He tried it a second time but I managed to duck out of the way and I aimed a kick at his crotch but he dodged that too. Ah the joys of flirting, it's like being in jr. high.

I went for a walk today and went into a cafe, grabbed a croissant to go and the bar tender said that it was a pity I wasn't staying. I stammered, he laughed and said, "you weren't expecting that were you?"
I simply said I needed to get back outside in the fresh air. It was hot inside the cafe. I'd be tempted to go back... He was cute, nothing special, but cute. Had I been single I'd have made a point of going back, and often. Someone so openly approving gets me every time.

I gave myself a nasty cut. I have cut myself before but this time I cut halfway through the top of my thumb nail. I was chopping chocolate and came down on my thumb. It scared the shit out of me. I've never seen a knife just sitting half into my finger like that before. There was a lot of blood but it stopped really fast when I finally remembered to put pressure and raise my hand up. It's not that bad, but it creeps me out still. I think it's because of the nail, the fact that it can catch on things....ugh....cringe-worthy.
I was in such shock when it happened I was pale as a ghost and felt like throwing up. In reality, it's not that bad, it just really freaked me out.

Yesterday I went for an eye exam, I'd never had one done. I've got a lot of floaters and a new thing which is falling stars on occasion. The doc put drops in my eyes and after having a look, he told me that my vitreous liquid is too thick and occasionally sticking to/irritating my retina causing the stars. He says I need to drink more, except I already drink a ton. I also shouldn't lift anything heavy or move my head too fast, or do anything too strenuous for the next 20 days. Not sure why that is since the problem has been there for a year.

The drops made me hypersensitive to light, my pupils dilated to the size of my irises, and I couldn't do anything except lay on the couch in the dark and eat Rob's Doritos and gummy bears – food for wallowing – for hours and hours. The drops possibly gave me a headache but strangely I have another one today and the dilating effects of the drops wore off late last night so I'm not sure what the headache is from. On a side note I had no idea the drops would last that long. It was rather awful.

P.S. I am quite tired of the shit (violence/stupidity) going on in the world. I would like to bury my head in the sand until it's all fixed pls.

Zat iz oll fur tzudei.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Hunger Games

There is a hungry hole that lives between my legs and I fantasize about feeding it your cock. Her gaping mouth is wet, warm and so very famished, but the only thing that she seems to want is you.
I see images taking your hot, rock hard cock in my hand from the base. I see the rest of its length, more than enough for another handful, emerging out the top of my gripping hand as I guide you into that hot, dark, wet space and watch you disappear inside. I feel you as you fill that hunger over and over again. It's a game of give and take, fill and empty, wanting and having, as you pound me. First she's full then she's not, in and out infinitely. But what she really wants, what will satisfy her, is to be filled with your cum. She wants to drip with it, she wants to taste your semen inside her. She wants to feel your seed drip from between her lips and right down my legs. Your cock lapping it up and pushing it right back in where it should be. 

Monday, July 4, 2016

Approval Addiction

So I was browsing Youtube and came across a video that had me intrigued. It was about approval addiction. I only watched the video part way through. It was long-winded and I felt like I had the gist of it by half way.
His take on approval addiction was that we all have this innate need for approval, and some people even have an innate need for disapproval, hence why so many people tend to do horrible things and look for chaos. He said that it's the exact opposite of approval and therefore is still recognition. What's worse than either approval or disapproval is being ignored completely.

Up to this point I was right on the bandwagon with his reasoning. It was perfectly sound. However the viewer's question was "how do I get past approval addiction", and his answer did not satisfy me in the least.

His answer was simply to go without any sort of approval. To just live with not having that sensation. To live with the sensation of emptiness. And while that may seem logical, like quitting something cold turkey, I don't think it quite addresses the problem fully.

After so many years of seeking approval from everyone and every source, I've realized that I can give myself approval. I can actually get pleasure from self approval almost as much as getting it from other people. It takes some getting used to. It takes some practice too but I think it's possible. There was a point when I had to start getting off on what I was doing just for the sake of getting off. And at this point I'm talking sexually but this could be projected onto any type of approval I think.

Take this scenario:
I have moments of intense need of approval, needing positive feedback for pictures, my body, my self esteem etc. When I didn't get that approval for one reason or another, or it was simply taking too long, I learned to go back, look at the pictures, the video, and get pleasure in seeing them, as if others were seeing it too. It didn't matter that no one else was seeing it, as long as it turned me on, who else cares.

Sure there are times where I seek approval, I am still an addict, but much less so in recent years than in the past. It's part of the reason I started this blog. It was a form of approval again. And now, it still works even if I know that only a handful of people read it. My initial goal of accumulating followers has subsided and now I'm happy to write for myself.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

The package!

OMG, omg, omg.
Guess what came in the mail today? Squeeeeeee.
Ok so I was teaching from home this morning and when my student went to leave I opened the door to find the package standing in front of it. Not sure why the postwoman didn't buzz me, but YAY. I was so excited to see it sitting there.

I saw my student off and grabbed the package and sat it on my table. I took a picture of it and then proceeded to open it.

On opening, the first thing I saw was chips. Lol mini bags of Doritos tangy cheese chips. They're bright orange so yeah, pretty easy to spot. There, nestled in between, was also a package of Haribo sour gummies. It definitely made me laugh. He knows me so well.

The packaging was brown as well as there being brown paper wrapping the bowls so at first I didn't notice the beige object sitting next to the chips. Once I had the chips out I realized there were a couple objects in transparent plastic bags. The first one was a shirt. It was a beige Beasty Boys shirt that (I found out later) he gave me because the colour didn't suit him. I instinctively smelled the shirt. I tend to smell everything. I smelled the paper too lol. In any case the shirt, while it didn't smell like his deodorant, the smell still reminded me of him..... not sure why. I'll be wearing it as a pj, it's big on me, or if I can, I might try to size it down on my sewing machine.

Wedged down the side of the box there was another plastic bag containing a picture of him in a scenic mountain landscape. It was from a while back. His head was shaved. But I loved the fact that he put in a picture of himself. I immediately hid the picture with my hand written diary. By this point I was laughing (by myself) and giddy and shaking. I was beyond happy I guess.

Next were the bowls. They were both wrapped in the brown paper. I took the first one out and unwrapped it, admired it and looked for a place to put it. They are a beautiful shade of light blue that goes well with my decor. When I picked up the second one though I realized that there was something inside.

I guess I was emotional because when I opened the last bowl I started to laugh and cry all at once. In the bowl he'd stuffed a globe themed golf ball and a Scrabble key chain with his initial letter on it. That was it, the waterworks turned on.

Don't get me wrong. Most of the things he put in were not bought for me – with the exception of the Doritos and gummies. They were things he found around, which makes them perfect reminders of him. They are little pieces of his personality that I know so well. The golf ball did it for me I think. It's so him, plus the whole reason we meet up is because of his 'golf trips'. So that's in my bedside table for now.

The bowls are sitting in my living room. One is on a bookshelf up on a top shelf so the bf doesn't get suspicious with two blue bowls showing up out of the blue (oops, no pun intended). The other is sitting on a buffet cabinet where I have a little display of various objects I like. Above the cabinet there's some random art hanging, some is mine some is by my mother, there's a metal ram's head and I've hung the Scrabble keychain from his horn. It blends into the rest quite well. Actually it makes the display even better.

I obviously texted him to thank him and to tell him I'd received everything in good order. I told him I cried, he told me to quit being gay. I sent him a picture of one of the bowls in its new home on the buffet cabinet and wondered if he'd spot the key chain hanging on the ram on the wall (I had to hint at it).

Today.... Today totally made up for my crappy day Tuesday when my bike got stolen and then I got some sort of stomach flu the same evening. Tenfold.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

War Time Romantic Stories and Thoughts on My Love Affair

My cousin came to visit me a couple weeks ago. It was a fun time. I hadn't seen him in ages.

While he was here he told me a story that was intriguing to me. It was a story of a family member, a great uncle I think, who served during the 1st world war and was caught in Italy. He was sent to Sicily to work on farms as a prisoner of war. There, he fell in love with a Sicilian woman and she got pregnant. The prisoners of war were then sent on to a true prison camp in another country where they were eventually freed and sent home.

This man who was originally from Germany or Poland, (can't remember) was then married. It was an arranged marriage. He had various children with his wife yet he secretly kept in touch with the Sicilian lady and their son over the years. They sent letters back and forth. Later in life this man went on a trip with another man in the family (I believe my cousin's grandfather or great grandfather), they went to Sicily to meet the woman and their boy. Years later he died. His travel companion died shortly after but not before he got the chance to tell his grandchildren the story. The younger generations of the family are fascinated with the story, knowing that they have cousins in Italy somewhere. So they are researching it to see if they can find out where these people are.

The story fascinated me because it's, well, somewhat familiar. Obviously it has no similarities to my own story with the exception of distance and a love affair but I found it wonderfully romantic and tragic, or was it? There's something triumphant about it too. Maybe it's the fact that he manages to go back to see her or the fact that the story lives on in the family. It could be a book, though I'm sure there are many of it's kind out there.

It's one of those things that as a woman especially, watching, reading or hearing about these stories seems so romantic you almost wish you had one of your own. When you do, when you are in the middle of something like that there are definite surreal moments where things dawn on you and you think "I'm fucking lucky to be living this". Most of the time things just happen, life goes on, but there are times when I want to write it into a book, make it last forever pass it down to future generations.

And then I think: "What future generations?", I haven't got kids to pass this on to.

Friday, June 24, 2016

Grinning Girl

I've been grinning again.

It's all Rob's fault of course. It started earlier this week with him getting ideas of FFM scenarios, he sent me messages, then I wanted to know what videos he'd been watching and he sent me a few things that distracted me from the typing job I have on right now. I would type 5 pages then get myself off, type another 5 pages and get myself off again. It's also the heat. It's hot here all of a sudden. Hot enough to sit still and sweat and that's the yummiest kind of heat, the sexiest heat. It makes me so fucking horny.

Yesterday I was typing again and we started with iMessages back and forth. Slowly working up to pictures of me in summer attire, short shorts and crop tops, then on to my new bikinis. He was supposed to be cleaning out his garage. I was supposed to be typing.

I knew I wouldn't resist long after showing off bikinis. I knew I'd have to get myself off eventually and I told him so. He said he'd watch.
Shortly after, (a page and a half typed up later), I asked him what bikini I should wear for him. "You choose".

We met on Skype. I was wearing the bikini he picked out for me last year, (he helped me buy it). It's white with coloured puzzle pieces and candy like bobbles. The bottom came off fast, and I came shortly after that. I went on to number two as well and left it at that since I was dripping from the heat. Temperature as well as sexually. He simply talked into my ear, begged me to cum for him. It was perfect, as usual. He said it wasn't fair, and why wasn't I bent over his kitchen counter.

After we chatted about a few things. He mentioned he'd been cleaning out his garage and had found the bowls he'd made with me during our pottery class (2 years ago?!). He wants me to have them. I'd be happy to have them. He admitted that he was putting together a package for me. I could barely believe it. I didn't want to get my hopes up. I wasn't sure if he'd actually send it or not.

Today I got the text that it's been sent. Hence the grinning.
Of course that's mixed with some anxiety. Mostly around explaining the objects coming in the mail and why and who, etc, but I'm sure it'll be fine.

I love it when I can't keep myself from grinning. I know I shouldn't. Someone's going to notice, someone's going to look at me and figure me out. It's a grin that's so different from when you just find something funny. It's a whole facial expression, I can feel that the muscles are different than just looking at funny cat videos on FB, or at someone's sarcastic comment.

On a scarier note, it dawned on me, fairly recently that if Rob's wrist doesn't heal properly from the pin surgery then he won't have any more excuses to travel, which will be the end of us meeting up. I don't want to think about it, I prefer to live in ignorant bliss for now. I'm sure things will be fine, but yes, it's in the back of my mind. Very selfish of me, I do worry about his wrist healing in general for his sake, but I am also very selfish yes.

Also this happened...
The bf  bought his mother a smartphone. He's been using everyone else's phones to help her learn. Yesterday he insisted I unlock my phone for him so he could call his mother. Why he didn't ask me to call her I don't know. He seemed suspicious, but oddly enough I haven't done anything suspicious in his presence in ages. So he browsed my contact list, I was anxious the whole time, I used the excuse of showing him how to find his mother's name to see what he was doing. The problem isn't my contact list, that's safe, there are so many names and numbers there no-one would be able to decipher who is who. The problem is that I'd just finished texting Rob. There were texts about fucking and I hadn't deleted them... hypothetically, if he'd seen those texts and not understood but scrolled through he'd have found the pictures. I rarely delete texts these days because with the phone being fingerprint locked there's no real need. Now I'm thinking I should. I am a sentimental twat and want to hold on to everything so I can't just delete these things, first I need to save them, then I can delete them. For now I've moved my messages icon out of plain sight. I suppose that will work for now.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Girl on Girl

When I was a child I had very early sexual experiences. I've written about them before but something recently came up and I felt like I should approach them again.

When I was little, I was introduced to masturbation at about the age of 4 or 5. It was a girl, a child, a little older than myself who, without touching me, explained it. I believe that I had probably already known the sensation of release since infancy, I think infants, both boys and girls, go through it. However it isn't a conscious thing until someone brings it up.

I was happy to have learned this conscious and deliberate means to release. When I was a little older, my first year of school more or less, I met two sisters. They were twins. They also had a younger brother. I remember "playing" at their house and there were sexual themes. One of which involved their baby brother. I think we pretended to have sex with him, laying on top of him. It is a very vague memory. 

Some years later one of the two sisters confessed to me that, on occasion, she did something to her body to get a sensation of pleasure and we started doing it together, in each other's presence but without getting involved in the other's activities.

Then over time, all through elementary school we got more and more involved with each other. We made each other cum. She would make up fantasies about boys and I would play along. She loved trying different things inside me, she begged me to go down on her, I tried once because she insisted so much, but I couldn't do it. Not entirely true, I did it but only because she coated her pussy with honey first. Consider I was probably 10 or 11.

I never thought much of it, her twin sister suspected stuff was up but never said much. At some point things stopped. Not sure when, or why. 

Interestingly though, I was never attracted to her. I remember having massive crushes on boys even in my first year of school but never on any girls. I think with her, I simply went along with the sensation. I enjoyed the company. Enjoyed getting off, but that was it. 

Why has this come up now? On Fb the other day I saw that she got tagged in some photos, they were of her and another woman in very 'couple like' situations and I was relieved. I felt like she needed to come out. I think I suspected it in the back of my mind a few times. I wondered if she was gay, but now, I think/hope, I have confirmation.

Question now is, what is my sexual orientation. I've always wondered myself. I have only rarely been attracted to a woman as much as I am attracted to men. There has been the occasion where I've thought to myself, I could get into bed with her. I've even had instances where I got drunk enough to almost get myself into trouble with the wrong person. 

I would not be afraid of having a threesome with women, I would welcome it with the right woman/women... but I think all in all I prefer men. I've always liked boys. Funny though how my first basically full sexual experience was with a girl. 

Tuesday, May 31, 2016


It was a new goal. He wanted to get me to ten. We'd been sexting for two days, these mad rushes of sexual tension that we needed to let loose. They were frustrated and semi violent fantasies. I couldn't get enough. Then, on day three, I had a student cancel. I was wet and debating getting myself off to thoughts of him ravaging my body. Instead I texted him and asked him to get me off. We had over an hour. 
I honestly wasn't expecting it to go as fast as it did. He pushed me hard and wouldn't let me rest. I came over and over, sometimes one orgasm ran into another. The final number is hazy. He kept track. I tried but wasn't quite with it. 
I was lucky it wasn't too hot here, I'd have melted. I don't know if I'll ever do it again. It was hard core intense. Something that left my body aching for days. My right arm is still getting over the intense work out. My arms, legs, neck and shoulder were marginally better by day three. 

It was fucking incredible and strange all in one. Imagine your mind going blank except for a voice whispering obscenities in your ear, over and over, begging you, forcing you, demanding you cum. Most of the time he orchestrated it all, talking to me. Once he let me do myself, without helping me. He simply repeated he was watching me, though I do remember that one being harder, took me longer. 

I think though that quality is definitely better when it's slower build and fewer. But the experience was to be had. It was hot and I still get wet thinking about it. My mind wanders back to his face peering at me from my computer. I crave him. Constantly. Today especially. Today just him as a friend, though I would totally be up to a good hard fuck, but I could use a hug and his hair to run my fingers through, random chatter or watching a game show trying to play along. Not sure what it is about today, but I'm in need of affection. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Beauty in the Rough

Rough, violent, forceful. Grab her and rip her panties off, forcing your cock into her every hole without distinction. Pounding her so hard that from her moans and yelps you can't quite tell if she's hurting or not. Grabbing her hair and forcing your cock so fucking far inside her throat she is forced to breathe through your skin or choke. 
Taking her because you want her so bad you can't help yourself. The sheer violence of that need drives you to act on it. It feels wrong, selfish and inconsiderate, yet it's consensual, that's where the beauty lies. That's why it's so perfect. That's why she'll be back for more. 

Men, you know what's irresistible to women? It's when you're capable of sexual intuition. There's something special about knowing what type of sex is needed for what occasion. 
Seductive, slow, passionate, compared to her dominating you, or say, you dominating her, or simply you taking her... letting yourself be dragged into the desire for her body. 

Friday, May 20, 2016

The Guitar

Something happened the other day.
Let me start with a person. This person is a man I met through the art school where I work. He came for a course and has been back a few times and has integrated into my group of friends. He has a soft spot for me I think. He's a big guy, super sweet, funny and fun to hang around. He has become part of the family. When he's in town we always have a big dinner, with him at the centre of attention. 

On fb the other day he posted a video of a guy playing a four string handmade guitar and I went a little nuts. I expressed my awe of the instrument and how cool it was and that I'd totally want one if I had the cash (which I don't). 

Couple days, maybe a week later my friend sent me a message on messenger asking for my address. He spilled the beans more or less right away. First it was supposed to be a surprise but then he couldn't contain himself. He got me one, he bought me a hand crafted 4 string guitar. 

It was 6 am when he told me, I couldn't sleep and had woken up early. Then I heard this news and I was ecstatic. I didn't know how to thank him. I was speechless and it's such a massive gift. I feel like it's waay too much but he insisted, giving a plethora of reasons why he should. And it's not just for me, the guy who makes these needs the cash pretty desperately. 

Except once the euphoria died down I started dreading telling the bf. I was convinced he was going to act out, telling me I somehow brought this on. I was worried he was going to be jealous, asking all sorts of questions as to why he'd buy such an expensive gift for me. 

That day I brought the topic up with the bf slowly and cautiously, first letting him know that our friend had asked me for my address. I didn't let him know right away that I knew what the package would be. 
The next day I told him in person. His reaction was surprising. He was almost happy for me... He joked about it, saying I could go play in a competition or concert or something. It was not what I had expected at all. 

I can't grasp it. It's out of character. 

Anyhow that's the story. 

I have had an underlying feeling that the bf had found someone... That he's eeing someone. I've had this feeling before. Sometimes I have the urge to ask him if he's happy with our set up. If he would want to break it off to find someone else. But I never do. 

Monday, May 16, 2016

Twist my rubber arm

I have a couple good friends in the uk. One of whom I hear from on nearly a daily basis. She is a constant reminder of Rob. Mostly because she is on of my excuses when I go see him. However she often asks me to come over. She has recently tried again. She's trying to convince me to come out for August. There's an important craft fair I wouldn't mind seeing. I ache to go... Not so much for the craft fair but to see Rob. I have told her I can't. I don't have the money right now. But it would be so easy.... Way too easy and yet I can't afford it. 

Bad bad bad. Grumble grumble. 

Saturday, May 7, 2016


Sometimes I'll be sitting crafting or taking a shower when my mind wanders. Sometimes it's a song, or even a voice, a comment, or a food that will trigger it. My mind will wander to a moment with Rob, a really precise moment. The memories are so vivid at times and other times they're hazy, like I can't quite remember what happened.

Most recently I was thinking of Storm Thorgerson, The artist behind all of the Pink Floyd album covers. His artwork comes up quite frequently on my Facebook feed. While Rob and I I were in Birmingham or Nottingham (can't remember which) we visited a museum/Art gallery. The gallery was full of his stuff, famous pieces of old and new Pink Floyd album cover work. At the time he was still alive, I believe he died the year after, if not the same year.

That is one of those moments I will never forget. It was probably one of the most memorable moments we've had together, yet at the same time we weren't  together, we browsed the gallery separately, as is often our custom when we go to galleries or museums. It's especially memorable for me though because it's the first time I took his picture. I was taking a photograph of two large adjoined, reflective spheres. He was standing in the background with his back to the spheres, I only noticed him when I got the photograph home on my computer. I can't say I obsessed about the photograph but every time I look at it, even now, I see him. 

Another memory is triggered by food, sour food to be precise. We were in Birmingham when we found an old candy shop, the vintage type that has jars, and jars of hard candy behind the counter. We both like sour candy so we walked in and we asked for the sourest candy they had. The girl behind the counter smirked. She said that she would let us try one for free if we would only put it in our mouth and promised not to take it out. We weren't even allowed to lick it first, We had to simply pop it in. I think we both got one, it was eye wateringly sour, but we both manned-up and kept it in. We bought a bagful with a few different flavors. 

The memories are in there, and on occasion they surface. I'm always surprised at how many new ones come to mind. They make me smile, feeling nostalgic, but overall happy feelings of wanting more. Definitely looking forward to more. 

Tuesday, May 3, 2016


I've been trying to figure out why my friend's passing has been so difficult. I couldn't understand why it was so hard considering I knew he was sick for a long time. We didn't see each other on a daily basis or even monthly basis. 

There was a time, however, when we would see each other on a weekly basis. And during that time he used to call me when he had tickets to classical music concerts, because he knew I loved music. He was an older gay man who I'm sure I've written about before. I remember writing about how people would look at us at concerts. Upon telling the bf how uncomfortable it made me he almost got angry and argued that I shouldn't go with him anymore. The last time my friend called me to ask me to go to a concert with him I declined, this is something I now regret. Fuck other people's shitty judgement. I shouldn't have cared.

As to why his death hit me so hard, I finally figured it was because there were so many similarities between his death and my mother's. He passed away from cancer, like my mother. He also passed away at the same age as my mother. I don't know how I knew this, my math skills are absolutely horrible, but I innately knew that he was the same age. When I finally broke down and used my calculator to figure it out, I found out I was right. Not only that but my mother died a day or two before her birthday in April (a week before my birthday), my friend died just a week before his birthday. Joy, that happens to be just after my birthday. 

These are all things I can't help thinking about. My mind automatically finds patterns. Maybe my brain is working too hard, maybe a normal person's brain wouldn't have seen them. Is it better or worse this way? Dealing with loved one's deaths is something that has to be dealt with forever. It doesn't go away. No matter how long ago it was, it will come back to haunt you. The only thing that can be done is to let the emotions wash over, deal with them as they come, and let go again. 

Last time I saw my friend was at the hospital just before Christmas. We were leaving for our trip to Central America. He seemed in good spirits and joked around, possibly to make us feel more comfortable with his illness. I will remember him like that though, always smiling, suave and cultured. Connoisseur of music and food. A closet gay, not so closet when with the right friends. 

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Shitty Day / Shitty Week

It has been a rough week. It was my birthday last week and I've had some lovely birthdays in the past but this was not one of them. I woke up sad. It was the first birthday I've spent waking up alone in probably 18 years. I was sad the bf wasn't there to greet me with kisses and a surprise. At the very least he'd go out before I woke up so I could have fresh croissants for breakfast. This year we slept at our separate apartments.
I worked a 10 hour day and came home to find he'd he bought me a cake and then he surprised me with a sewing machine. I was exhausted though, we were supposed to go out to dinner but I opted out.

The next evening we went to the bf's nieces new restaurant and they brought out a cake with candles for me. I was blown away. I'd never expected it and I was moved, almost to tears by their thoughtfulness. However all the love couldn't shake the melancholy I had. Living so far from all my family and closest friends had me so sad.

The feeling hasn't quite gone away and it has been compounded by a good friend passing today. I have been crying off and on all day. He was an expat from South America and we had a lot in common. I will miss him immensely.

Not only this but the bf's niece from another brother, the one who has drug problems, is apparently back on the drugs. She'd been clean for a while and she had gotten quite attached to me and was taking opportunities to spend time with me on occasion. She called me last night telling me she wanted to see me and that she'd let me know when she could stop by. Today we get a call from another family member warning us that she'd moved in with a dealer, stopped in at home to physically beat money out of her parents, and was convincing other family members to give her money as well.
I have so much anger and frustration towards her parents, they've fucked up both their kids and I don't know how they manged to do it. I wish I could talk some sense into them.

I am rather overwhelmed with all the emotions going on I've shut myself down by keeping myself as busy as possible today. Watching random videos and movies. Writing this seems to be bringing the emotions back to the surface but it does help purge. I will be hiding under a blanket with a movie as soon as I finish.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

What is Love?

What is love to you, personally, right in this moment?

I think for everyone it's different and it's never constant. I believe it fluctuates regularly to the point that it can change subtly many times over a very brief period. However the main concepts for any given person will probably stay relatively static over longer periods of time, but even those can change, especially with important events or game changers.

Over the years I've written about love more than once because it's a topic that confuses me and I struggle to understand it. I am just grasping now that it's ok for me to feel like it's not a constant. It is not one thing. It is many. And depending on your mood, state of mind, situation etc, it evolves.

Some of the aspects that surface for me are things like friendship, complicity, desire, communication, and mutual respect. But one of the most important factors I've recently pinpointed is altruism. That instinct to let go of your own needs and desires to benefit the other. The funny thing is I think the feeling of altruism is strongest at the beginning of a relationship. I say this based on personal experience (so I don't know if this is true for everyone). I used to feel more altruistic towards the bf but recently I've felt the need to think more about myself. And I think that is ok in a sense. I think that people should look after themselves before they look after others. Compromise is often the solution to excessive altruism, but the intense feeling that someone would be better off without you because you complicate their lives is one of the strongest point for love I think. This is obviously an extreme example. There are smaller acts of altruism but I just need to convey the principle and it so happens to be one of the most powerful instances of altruism I have ever felt.
I think where people mess up the most though, including myself, is confusing the concept of love with the chemical reaction in your brain. And they are definitely connected, the chemical reaction spurs reactions and those connect to decisions. Domino effect. The intense feeling of desire and lust and caring, I think, are often just spikes in chemicals whereas love is simply what you do with those spikes, the decisions you make. Not only that but the concept of love is also what is left over when the spikes lessen or disappear completely. The longer we are in a relationship the less those spikes appear so it all depends on how we proceed in the relationship when the spikes are gone. 

This was analytical. Possibly cold. It's how my brain processes information best I find. I get very confused when chemicals take over. I need to stop and process things. When chemicals are strong my brain doesn't seem to work. It breaks down, it loses all reason. It's hard to stop and think. I only manage after they wear off. I imagine it's the same for everyone.

Sunday, April 17, 2016


Words will never convey exactly what you mean, whether written or spoken. Communication is so utterly flawed. People will always read into things based on their own experiences and beliefs. They will never fully understand you. 

When I write I feel this desire to be as clear and precise as possible, choosing exact words to convey a very specific meaning or feeling but everyone perceives words differently. Everyone has a different perception, a different emotional experience with any given word. 
They will only understand what their emotional experiences let them. 

Concepts work much the same way, we read into a basic concept bearing with it so much personal emotional background. There's no way any individual will ever fully understand what's going on. 

Is it a waste to try? No, probably not. But it's immensely frustrating as a writer to have that epiphany. 

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

WTF day

Day 1, I went in to work after the Easter break, Co-W was fucking horny or something because he kept flirting, and hard. He slapped my ass. He grabbed my face by the chin and stared at me, he grabbed my arms, waist and ribs at various times. He came up to me from behind as I was bent over a table, he grabbed both my hips, and edged his way next to me to talk to me when I stood up. He smelled me, more than once, coming up to me to smell my neck. He blatantly asked me if he could lick all the way up my back and neck. The whole thing was intense and hard to ignore.

Day 2, he had obviously had a horrible discussion with our boss on day 1 after I left because he exploded at some random moment on day 2. We were outside and he just started blurting out all sorts of stuff about how tired he is of working there, that our boss is a bitch and horrible and all sorts of insults. He yelled at me saying that I was indulging her in her horrible habits by not speaking out against the bullshit she does. He blew right up. He even pounded the table next to us with his fist so loud and hard that I jumped.
I take him with a grain of salt a lot of the time when he goes off. He blows off steam but I don't often take it seriously. Today I was caught off guard. It was such a violent outburst, some of which was aimed at me, that I eventually walked away because I couldn't talk to him in a normal way. Once inside we didn't talk for a bit, apart from work related stuff and I was working on the computer so I had something to concentrate on. Later he came up to me and gave me a hug and apologized and said that I wasn't the problem.
When people apologize to me I tend to go soft and want to cry, it's a release of tension from the anger, fear, frustration I had buried and hidden inside. Tears welled in my eyes but I kept working. I concentrated on what I was doing and the sensation went away.
It really sucks being yelled at when you haven't done anything to deserve it.

If I think back on it though it hurts. I'm in a slightly over emotional state/heightened emotional state right now so that certainly doesn't help either.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Made for Me.

Have you ever gotten off to a video of yourself getting off? 

Rob broke his wrist about a month ago. (Wow time flies. I had barely realised it's been that long.) A broken wrist means that he has a lot of time to spare. He's likely been a little down and out, hard to get much of anything done with your right hand in a cast, I'd personally go nuts. Not being able to do any craft or drawing or playing of instruments or even typing properly.

Anyhow I sent him a song that he made on my phone while we were together last. It was a rainy day and we spent the evening playing with Garage Band on my iPhone. He created a couple simple songs that took him forever. I helped him figure out the program a little.
Fast forward to the other day, I was in Garage Band playing around and I realised his songs were still there so I sent him one.

He promptly downloaded it and proceeded to make a great song, something that was way beyond what I'd have expected for his second try on the app. It was very trip hop cool. Just a great Massive Attack style song.

The next day, as I'm finishing up at work, I receive an email with another song. There's a warning that says explicit lyrics and I figure, maybe he's inserted some rap fragments into the song. I get to the car, turn my bluetooth on and decide I want to hear the song on a "real" stereo. Next thing I know I'm blushing, laughing and hiding my face in my hands. I was alone, but the song caught me so off guard that I couldn't help myself. It was a song, with a sort of slow techno beat, layered on top is my voice. It's an audio clip I sent him of me talking while I get myself off. I'm saying all sorts of random stuff that comes to mind, dirty, dirty slutty stuff I want him to do to me. He remixed it, added effects and basically had my voice layered and repeating. It was insane. Not only was I flushed with embarrassment from hearing my own voice, (something that I generally don't like hearing) but I was turned on. It was strange how my own voice could possibly turn me on.

Then there's the fact that he even thought of doing this in the first place. It just made me want him in front of me so I could fuck him right then and there.

He sent me another email, another version of the same audio clip with a different background music, just as good, this time with a funkier beat, not as slow, a little more porn movie style yet tasteful. Next thing I know he's asking me if he could use images and clips of me to make a little movie.

Bring it on. Of course.

Today after some fiddling with Dropbox he sent me the video. First time watching, my reaction was similar to my reaction to the song, embarrassment, flushing red, my hand over my mouth, laughing and not quite believing my eyes. He'd rummaged through old emails and found a bunch of old pics and clips of me getting myself off. He artfully blended them together in a seamless clip set to his background music of me whispering what I want him to do to me.

I was in the middle of having lunch the first time I watched it but as soon as I finished I moved to the couch to watch it again, and again and again. 4 times got me off hard. Admittedly it's strange getting off to scenes of yourself and your own voice. I've done it before, gotten off to basic simple clips of myself, but when it's remixed and essentially made by someone else there's something unique about that experience. It's a sort of melding of two brains.

Despite the horny, slutty effects of the video, I couldn't help get teary with happiness when I first watched the video. The titles and hidden gems in the video just made it that much better. It is by far the sweetest, most thoughtful thing anyone has ever made for me. Sure it's naughty and slutty but it was made just for me.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Ghosts from the past.

So ages ago when I first started this blog I told a series of stories about past boyfriends and lovers and today while I was in the shower, for some odd reason someone popped into my mind who I hadn't thought of in decades.

The story begins with an odd intro mind you, it's not a happy intro but it does explain some things and well it helps exorcise my demons a little.

When I was in Jr. High I was fund raising for a school trip, by jumping around on the side of the road advertising a car wash we were doing with a friend of mine. We were goofy kids doing a Can-Can but it got clients in. At some point that day a man came by and asked me if I could help him learn English, he was Asian, I imagined Chinese. I was flattered and somewhat uncertain of the whole thing but I told him that I would talk to my parents about it and he could leave me his phone number. Keen on making some extra cash I ran to my parents and asked them if I could tutor this guy and long story short they met him and decided it was ok. He was in his mid 40s I think and I was in Jr high so that would make me 14 or so.

The lessons took place at his apartment. The first lesson was fine. We talked and when he had difficulty with certain words I helped him out, spelling things and explaining their meaning.
The second lesson got weird. Very weird. He asked if he could send his family in China some pictures of us together. He set up a tripod and sat me on his couch, sat next to me with his arm around me and took our picture, then another, then another, each one getting stranger in positions. I don't remember the full sequence of pictures, I just remember the last one where he had me lay down on the couch and pulled my sweater off my shoulder, and then he came over and laid on top of me trying to kiss me. I got up at that point and told him I had to leave. I promptly left.

I was shaking, afraid and disgusted. I hated him for taking advantage of me. I told my friends but dared not tell my parents. The story pretty much ended there. There were attempts to get my attention again but I ignored them.

This put me in an odd state of hatred toward Asian men. I have never been racist but I had a distinct turn off for Asian men. There was no way in hell I'd ever be attracted to a random Asian guy. A friend possibly but not if someone walked up to me in a bar.

Years later, when I was 18 I worked for a souvenir shop downtown run by an older Asian man. My manager was a young guy though, maybe 5 years older than me with a steady girlfriend he had a love hate relationship with but eventually ended in an engagement.
Peter was Vietnamese, he was fairly good looking but he didn't have the greatest skin. When I first started working there I was not attracted to him due to my fear of Asian men. I slowly warmed up to his personality though, he had a good sense of humour and he was generally nice as a boss. He would occasionally flirt. It was generally very subtle flirting mind you and I didn't always catch on.

The shop was quite big with a total of 5 stores, some of which were connected and one that wasn't. I worked in the one that was detached from the others, It also happened to be the one that had his office just above the store. There was a door just in front of the cashier counter, a staircase behind it and at the top: a tiny cubicle of an office with a desk, a computer and a little tv where the CCTV played non stop.

I knew there were cameras in the place but it wasn't until I got called into Peter's office that I realized that he could watch his staff. The cameras were pointed at the counters where we stood.

One day we were alone. It was evening, just before closing. He was in his office and I was cashing out. The doors were locked. He was talking to me through the ceiling (very thin ceiling) as he sometimes did at the end of the day, just our regular banter when there was a pause in the conversation and then he said, quite out of the blue "Do you want to be my lover?"
I stopped dead, smiled, I probably laughed, and said "you've got a girlfriend Peter!" in something that probably sounded halfway between surprise and shock.

I knew he was watching me, I looked up at the camera. I was impressed by his courage / non courage of actually asking me, though doing it behind closed doors when I couldn't see him but he could see me was rather cheeky. It did turn me on immensely though and It was fuel for numerous fantasies of mine, and no doubt his. However nothing happened. We were both very professional and kept our distances.

Shortly before I left at the end of the summer he asked me on a sort of a date. We went for Vietnamese lunch and then a motorcycle ride. It was the first time I'd been on a motorcycle since I was a kid with my dad. This was a racing bike, very sporty, very fast. He gave me his Gf's helmet and told me to hug him very tight but to follow his movements and not to counteract on corners. He took me on a windy-curvy road through the nearby forest full of massive Sequoias and Douglas firs typical of the area I grew up in. It was exhilarating, freezing cold, but I kept very tight to his back. It was comfortable. He wore a sexy, tight leather racing jacket that was white, blue and green. There was no talking. We stopped briefly in  a lot in front of a building to rest. I don't remember exactly anything much, we eventually turned back and that was the end of it. I never saw him again. Not a single kiss. Just a day out on the bike. Neither of us had the courage I guess.

Still I'll never forget him. I kind of regret not having acted on the fantasies. Sometimes I wonder whether people think back the way I do on certain events.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

The Other HNT and Comments

Hey! I wanted to give the Other HNT a shout out. So remember HNT and all those hot pics? Or maybe that was before you started reading here. It was called Half Nekkid Thursday. It was an event where bloggers posted half nekkid pics of themselves on Thursdays as the name suggests. In any case Osbasso, the kind gentleman running HNT, opened a blog just for half nekkid pics! You should head over and favourite it or bookmark it or just stop by and show some love to the people who anonymously send pics (don't forget to check out past years cause there's some really great content). Comments seem to be few and far between over there which brings me to my next topic.

Is it just me or is there a general waning of comments on blogs lately? I get the feeling there's a dip in comments since people started using their smart phones more and more. Maybe I've been lazy and I haven't been doing my blogger duty of reading other blogs and commenting, it's something that can help attract new readers and commenters. Or maybe it's because the crowd that I hung with on blogger has pretty much dissolved.
Maybe it was easier to take the time to comment on a laptop. Maybe there are more work restrictions and people can't read or write from work now. 

The reason why I think it's due to smartphone use is that commenting from an app or the phone browser sucks. I noticed this when I've tried to reply to comments on my own blog from my phone. In any case I can say that my post stats are healthy, I get a good number of views for each post, on average 100-200. So people are reading, I just don't see the comments I used to see. 
Hello all you lurkers. *grin*

Wednesday, March 23, 2016


As you may have noticed I've dyed my hair pink. And no, there's no click thru today. I got to playing with an old photo elaboration app.

Thursday, March 17, 2016


"What's that? number 3 and a half?" He asked me as I panted.
"Yeah there was something in between there. Like a mini climax."
"How do you want the next one?"
"Dunno. Maybe think up a situation." I said.

There's a moment between orgasms when my brain functions and there's just basic chit chatty conversation, but then I wander off into my brain as I listen to him talk.

"I still fantasize about you cumming inside me." I managed to get out before my brain receded into itself to listen.
"Oh but I did" he said quite matter of factly. And he proceeded to tell me a story.

As you were sleeping on your tummy I came up behind you and slowly, teasingly fucked you so as not to wake you up. Slipping my cock inside you gently, carefully. Watching your pussy get wetter and wider to accept me. Slipping the tip in and back out again, watching your hole stay open, wanting more. Sliding slowly deeper. Pulling out to stroke myself, afraid to wake you, getting closer, pushing myself back inside you, feeling how slippery you are and plunging myself as deep as I can go to fill you with cum. You still sleep, but moan and stir for more, your pussy dripping with cum. I slide my fingers inside you mixing our juices together, pushing my warm cum back into you. Wanting it to stay. As I pull my fingers out I turn you to wet your lips. Make you taste us on my hand, slip my fingers into your mouth, over your tongue, over your nipples.

Was I awake in the story at this point? I don't know, I just remember him adding more to the story to make me cum. He grabs my neck, forces his cock in and out of my watering mouth and fucks my pussy with his other hand.
The imagery of his dripping cock forced into my mouth, the taste of us filling my mouth, his hand blocking my air just slightly, had me cum so hard the neighbours likely heard me. 

Once finished, and able to breathe again, he said "Are you done?"
"No.... More please."
"Moregasms?" he replied
"That's a good word for it, did you make that up just now?"
"Yep" he said looking smug.

Little did we know, it already existed.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016


So I saw a poster for one of my favourite musicians playing in a town near here. My sister is visiting but she has to work on the weekend and can't come, and there's no way I'd be able to convince the bf to come see this. It's not his type of music (trip-hop) and definitely not his scene, not only that but it's at 1am in a town about an hour from here. 
All my other friends have kids or wouldn't like this type of thing so I'm left wishing I could go. 
I know I should be more assertive and go on my own but I really don't feel comfortable taking the bf's car, driving a half hour each direction to a place I've never been to before at rediculous hours of the morning on a Saturday night.... By myself. 

So yeah, I asked Rob to come. He's the only one that said yes. And with the impossibility of that ever happening I just dream. 

He has asked me when we could meet up again. It's a question I love and fear at the same time. I love it because it means he wants me/misses me but at the same time I never have an answer. Plus, it starts me thinking on when I can get over there again and with this massively expensive trip the bf and I just took I can't afford to do anything except work for the next while. I'm almost completely broke.  Boohoo. 

Alas I must work harder. 

Saturday, February 20, 2016

The App

I'm horny. I used to be horny more often, I think it's mostly due to age and circumstance but one thing that both enlightens me and disconcerts me on this topic is my cycles app. It's an app that keeps track of my fertility and periods. It has saved me from a LOT of guess work. I never remembered to use my calendar as my mother tried to teach me. When a doctor asks me questions now, I always have an answer. If I want to plan sex it's easier but at the same time I know exactly why I'm hornier for a good 5 days out of the month. 
I'd rather not know that my body wants to make babies because it has an egg ready. It's just one of those things, I'd rather be oblivious to why I'm horny. I know I should just flow with it and have fun, and believe me I do, but it's still in the back of my mind and I feel like belittles the experience a little. 
I'm weird, I know. 

Saturday, February 13, 2016

In a Nutshell.

Well, well, lookey, lookey. I'm back.

In a nutshell:

The trip was awesome. Incredible I'd say. Panama and Costa Rica are incredible places. There were so many aspects I loved. I would go back in a heartbeat. I especially loved the sheer quantity of wildlife in Costa Rica, especially an area called the Osa Peninsula. Between Panama and Costa Rica I got to see wild scarlet macaws flying free, not to mention hundreds of other types of parrots and toucans. We saw crocodile, caiman, sloths, 4 types of monkeys, dart frogs, glass frogs, lizards of all types including the Jesus Christ lizard (and yes I saw it walk on water), Eagle Rays, sharks, huge box fish, sting rays, barracuda, turtles galore, squid and numerous other beautiful fish while snorkeling or diving.

The Bf and I got along really really well. We had two arguments that ended with me in tears from sheer frustration, but they were minor and we got through them quickly.

I got food poisoning after 4 days in Panama City and was confined to a hotel bed for another 5 days. I was in hospital for 3 hours getting an IV for dehydration and to get my fever down. I couldn't hold down water. My temperature was 39°C/102°F.

They lost our luggage on the way home. So we're still waiting for our suitcases full of dirty clothes and souvenirs.

The bf and I had sex. more than once. Yay. The last time he wanted to get me off by hand, I wanted to ride him, but I didn't realize he had a short trigger and so when I went down on him he surprised me. I didn't get to cum that day and have been horny since.

I had my second ever 'wet dream' (for lack of a better term) the night before last. The dream was psychedelic and full of colours. Hard to describe, I'd say near impossible to describe. It made me cum. When I wake up in the morning after one of these events it feels surreal and like it barely happened. The orgasm is different from a normal orgasm, it's more prolonged and drawn out, it's intense but somehow subtle at the same time. It's like a vibration, a buzz that runs through my whole body and doesn't let go. The only way to make it subside is to press my clit.