Friday, December 31, 2010


Yep... Another year has come and gone... I hope 2011 is better than 2010. I'm sure it will be. Good vibes have been going around.

This evening I made Profiteroles... yumminessssss They're puff pastry filled with whipped cream and covered with chocolate mousse. Very easy to make and sooooo yummy.

We've got a whole 6 people coming over this evening. We usually have at least 10-15 people here during the holidays. But this year everyone decided to take off and leave this sad little town to party somewhere else in the cold.

It should be nice though, quiet evening with friends gambling with blackjack and possibly some poker or bingo or something.... Haha

I hope everyone's New Year's is everything they hope it is.


Thursday, December 23, 2010

It's almost Christmas. I'm sure everyone is on holiday and very few readers will be spending their time on internet in the next few days.

I have had very little time to myself lately. I've been home, but so has bf and it's been difficult to sit and write without him asking me what I'm doing.


I caught Rob on line the other day. It was interesting. He asked me lots of questions. I'm usually the one to ask questions. Perhaps he's actually been thinking about my request to know if he really wants to have sex.

He asked me about my "online goals", about whether I'd hit a peak.

There was a lot going on in that conversation. There were a lot of things going through my mind. I still have a lot of doubts and questions that I am scared to ask.

He said was that perhaps it would be easier to organize a threesome instead of dealing with him.

And then there was the brief interval of this conversation:

him-if we were single things would be too easy.
me-it would
-Maybe that's the attraction.
-that's a very good point
-it is.
-Yeah, it's normal that you are attracted to what you can't have
-good point, I'll be an old fat nag ugly soon so it don't matter.


I've had the opportunity to sit and talk to him on my own a few lunches and I have to admit it's a little awkward. I'm not sure if it's because underneath we're both quite shy or what. But we have a hard time figuring out what to say to each other. Things have slowed down at work so I'm not going as often as I'd like so I won't be seeing him as much.




Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Would you?

I just finished reading "The Time Traveler's Wife". There's a scene in the story, which I loved btw, that kinda weirded me out. Have any of you read the book? No? you should, it's good. It's like a drug.

The basic outline is a love story, between a time traveling guy and a girl who doesn't move in time.

Without giving away any of the plot, I'll just say that he tends to meet himself quite a bit, and he spends time with himself even as a teenager.

The scene that got me thinking and that was weird, was as a teenager meets himself, both of him are teenaged, and well, yeah, I think they have sex. And I'm pretty sure it's intended to be anal. Now It's not explicit, it's just mentioned.

But seriously... if you were used to the fact of seeing yourself, and you were the same age... and you spent a lot of time with yourself.... would you fuck yourself or even give yourself a bj or hand job?

I honestly had to think about it. Would I fuck myself with my hormones raging at the age of 16? I don't think I would. Or maybe the temptation would get to me. But while thinking about it rationally, I don't think I would....

Monday, December 13, 2010


Written Saturday evening

I think I've come to a certain end in my promiscuous behaviour. I'm not sure it's just a winter thing, or if something has changed since the last few months of especially terrible organisational actions. Between actually organising and meeting up with the Italian guy, and organising and not meeting up with Rob, I think something kinda snapped.

For some reason I'm not in the least bit interested in seeing anyone on line, let alone getting naked or getting off with them.... It has lost its "charm".

Maybe it's just a break. Maybe I'm just not finding what I'm looking for. Maybe I just need the simplicity of someone who knows what I want.... I dunno.

Generally I do slow down in winter. Summer is a much easier season for me. Bf goes to the beach, and I have time alone.

I had time alone this evening, but I honestly just didn't feel like doing anything except watching a movie or reading a book.

I know if Rob were around, on line, I'd be up for chatting with him. I think talking is all that would happen. I wouldn't mind playing the old games we played way back... the word games, or even playing a video game together. We've done that a few times. We were both playing the Submachine series and poker for a while.

A good mind fuck would be good... but it's the time spent with him that I miss.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

drinks, lies and cigarettes...

I am having a hard time these days. Winter sucks. Summer is so much better. Much less depressing.

So yesterday bf and I were in a good mood we had planned to go to Ikea to pick up some things for the house, we've been doing a little re-furnishing.
He's driving and I'm in the passenger seat, stuck down in between the driver's seat and the handbreak is a receipt. I grab it to throw it out, but I have this stupid habit of reading things before I do that to make sure they aren't important.
It was a receipt for cigarettes.

For those of you who haven't been following long bf quit smoking about 10 or 11 years ago. I have known him to have the occasional cigarette, he has never admitted it though. I've never been happy about him smoking and I would never condone it even if it was occasional. To me if you quit you quit... you don't have an "occasional" smoke, the habit comes back all to easily.

So I show him the receipt dated the 28th of November, with Diana Blue 10 written clearly on it and he still tries to weasel his way out of it...

I let it drop, start reading my book and tell him that it is best that I just read. But he doesn't let it sit. He starts talking about it and we get into this discussion, because it wasn't a fight, no-one yelled or got angry really. But the idea was that he's been lying to me about smoking for years. He sometimes gets home smelling like cigarettes and I ask him if he's smoked a cigarette and he always says no.

I hate that he lied to me. I know this is going to sound strange and extremely hypocritical. But I consider myself to be a pretty honest person. Maybe I'm delusional... is it possible to be fucking around online and organising to meet guys and still consider yourself honest??

I don't lie on a regular basis is what I'm getting at I suppose. I don't lie if he asks me things outright. If he asked me if I was screwing around online, I would probably tell him the truth. I hate lying.

He doesn't consider his lies important. His reasoning is that if he told me the truth then he'd feel "free" to smoke anytime he wanted (because he can do what he wants) and he might end up getting back into the habit. So he'd prefer to keep lying to me... Does that make sense? Does that condone his lies?

I haven't decided yet. No matter I'm disappointed and sad. I'm a bit depressed and I might just help myself to a few gin lemons this evening while he's out to take the edge off of things.

Sunday, December 5, 2010


I'm in a pissy mood.

I've been home sick, and I'm getting sick of bf. I know it's a temporary feeling. It will go away. But I really can't stand him at the moment. So I'm going to bitch and whine here because it will make me feel better. Don't read further it will probably just annoy you.

We were supposed to go to an electronics fair together, but since I was sick I didn't go. He came back with: an alarm clock, and christmas lights.

Later that day he went to a grocery store and bought me a pair of dark blue gloves that he paid a Euro for.

I made fun of him for the alarm clock, because it was a cheap "made in china" alarm clock, that promised stuff on the box that it didn't do in real life.  And to boot it was a talking alarm clock, to turn the light on you had to listen to it... super useful at night when you're trying to sleep, or when your partner is trying to sleep... hint hint at the irony here.

The Christmas lights stopped working after a bit for some reason the button to change the flashing is sporadic.

And the gloves were dark blue, a colour which I hate and I had told him not to buy me gloves because I would buy them myself.

Right... I'm an ungrateful bitch (no he didn't say that). I should have said... oooh thank you, you're so sweet for buying me such lovely gifts.
I shouldn't have told him that they ripped him off for the clock that had false advertisement on the box. I shouldn't have told him that the christmas lights weren't working, or that the gloves were something I wanted to buy on my own.

What was the response? I asked him if he liked the christmas tree that I decorated. He said that he didn't like it. When I asked him why he said that he didn't have to give a reason. And that he had told me that he wanted to do it himself, which was a reference to the gloves if you hadn't noticed... I hadn't and I actually thought he wanted to decorate the tree himself. I had a sinking feeling that he was being facetious but I took the decorations off the tree anyhow (it's a pretty small tree luckily).

The next morning he said, "oh... you took the decorations off?"
And I mentioned what he had said the day before. And he admitted to "joking".
We had an argument and now we're at a standstill.


So here's my reasoning:
EVERY FUCKING PRESENT I've ever bought the man has been totally unappreciated. He has NEVER EVER said thanks I really like it, even out of politeness. He puts the gift down, he tells you exactly what he hates about it, he sits it in the closet or drawer, then after YEARS he finally pulls it out and starts using it. He actually uses them to death... but noooo not right away.... after YEARS. He doesn't just do it with me. He does it with everyone. So I know it's not directed at me. But Christmas and his birthday become painful for me. I never have any idea what the hell to get him because I know he'll just hate it.

So in one day. I dissed 3 things he brought me.... is that REALLY that wrong?? I was telling the truth. He bought three cheap products... and that's another thing. He would rather spend a Euro and buy something that doesn't work over spending 5 to get something that actually works.

He would rather cut and burn something (specifically a curtain) and have it look bad than spend the money on something that is already finished. ARGGGGGGGG

Ok... I think I'm done... sorry, that was random.. props for whoever actually read all of this without laughing or shaking their head in the shame of my ramblings.