Thursday, May 31, 2012

I get off... guys get off....

I woke up last night at 2 am. I had been sleeping for a while already since I went to bed early. I've been exhausted these past few days. I woke up to a very intense dream of co-worker and I. I don't remember anything about how the dream started or the situation. All I remember is me sitting in his lap, kissing him passionately and his hand slipping down my back onto my ass, pulling me closer to him forcing my hips down onto his hard cock. I could feel him through his khaki shorts and my jeans. I woke up suddenly out of breath, I looked at the clock and forced myself back to sleep and back to the dream.

The second part of the dream was the same, it was basically a repetition of the first part. This time I walked over to him from another room and I sat myself down on his lap again and kissed him.

Today at work was torture. I kept wanting to say something, but I avoided it, I would get embarrassed without having said anything and I would get distracted and stop mid action to think about the dream.

I sent him a message saying "you visited me last night..." but haven't had a response yet, and probably won't.

Fact is I know that I just superimpose Co-Worker on Rob's role and I'm just missing Rob is all. I'm sort of substituting and I wish I didn't but it really is impossible for me to control. Even just this the dream for example, it's a clear copy of the first day in Birmingham. Rob was sitting on the chair in the room and I walked over and we kissed passionately, I turned and sat facing him and we continued, he pulled me closer to let me feel him under me.... I wish I could just be satisfied with what I had. I wish my brain wouldn't go searching for Co-worker to replace those feelings.

Artsy guy
there's this guy I've been teaching in my evening classes for about 4 years now. My town is small so it turns out he's a friend of my neighbour's and we've even invited him for dinner a few times. He's my bf's age so about 10 years older than me. He's not super good looking but he is attractive enough and he's charismatic, nice and very artsy which I'm always very attracted to. I get the feeling he kinda has a crush on me and he probably picked up on my friendly attraction to artistic, smart people. Today he asked if he could stop by the house to talk about a translation he needs done, he also asked me about private conversation lessons. Bf was out when he came.

After our conversation about business stuff we got to talking about computers. He came out randomly with an odd sentence. I didn't know how to react and it got dropped just before he left. He said that his partner had some kind of "find-me" thing on his iphone so she knows exactly where he is all the time and that he couldn't cheat on her even if he tried... Unless it was something like an English lesson... (!?!) k... I just laughed and said riiight! haha funny yeah I totally understand.

It definitely resonated though and I wonder if he mentioned it on purpose or what. I doubt he wants to have an affair with me but... hm it was odd.

It's funny, I seem to just know when guys have a thing for me, there are a few guys around that I have very little to do with on a regular basis, but I definitely know they get off on thoughts of me. Don't ask me how I know.... I can just sense it.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012


It was three years today that I started this blog... I have almost 500 posts and just barely reached my 202nd follower.

I want to thank everyone: all my hidden readers, say hi someday, drop me an email, I like finding out who you are. I want to thank all my loyal commenters, my blog friends and, well... the people I blog about that I can't thank in person.

It has been a long day, I'm signing off.

Thank you blog world for keeping me sane. I don't know where I'd be without you all.

Hugs and love.


Tuesday, May 29, 2012


I had my stomach jump into my throat yesterday. I can't control my reactions, I can't just ignore him. Co-worker put his hand on my hip, as he often does to move past me or move around me. But this time he gave it a squeeze. It was in a place where I'm particularly sensitive when squeezed, on the verge of being ticklish. He didn't squeeze hard enough for me to deflect his hand for being ticklish, but my stomach gave a jump.
It was the end of Monday, it was a beautiful afternoon, sunny and warm and I suggested to Co-worker and my girlfriend who works there too we go out for drinks. He automatically said yes, she declined and it then got ignored. I didn't push further.

Bf has been working a fair amount in the evenings. I get home exhausted from work and therefore generally just eat, have a shower and then veg out on the couch or read my book in bed. My later night habits have been killed by the fibro meds. I sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow now. I can't keep my eyes open long enough to read more than 3 or 4 pages of my book.

I've stopped checking my email 10 times a day. I've decided to take it off the memory of my phone so that when I want to check it I actually have to type it in. Being lazy it cuts down on my checking it. I hope to get it down to once a day. I don't want to be a slave to my email especially when nothing is coming in most of the time.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Where am I headed?

There are days when I wonder whether I'd be happy in any relationship, I wonder what type of relationship would make me happy.
I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with Rob or Co-Worker. My conclusion is generally pretty negative though.

I'm kinda harsh. I don't think I'm a simple person to live with. I'm moody, I can be really jealous, I'm lazy, I'm independent (and not in a good way), I'm selfish... the list goes on.

Maybe I'll end up alone with random lovers on the side like my mother. I wonder if that ending is better than living in a relationship that I'm just tagging along in. I'm not really participating in this relationship much am I?

Maybe an artist has to suffer to be able to create. Maybe that's where I'm destined to head.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Good Girl

I got home after work today absolutely exhausted. I felt drained and frustrated and in a terrible mood. I snapped and the bf even if he'd prepared me a lovely pasta lunch. After lunch I went and buried my head in the blankets in bed and stayed there until my afternoon lesson at 4.

I'm feeling sort of raw and ill, I've had a stressful week and I want to just cry myself to sleep.

Next week will be similar, hopefully better though, but the work load will be the same.

Luckily BF has been working more this week, he's been working every evening from 4:30 to 10:30 pm which I love, because it means I can do what I want for a few hours every day. The weekend will be calm as well, he'll be out of the house more. I often have no idea what to do with my time, but I can actually decide for myself without having to tell anyone. I love that. I can eat when I want and go for a walk if I want...

Rob and Skype
I've been getting myself off relatively often, but I haven't used skype or anything recently.... well since the Italian guy I guess.

I'm becoming a good girl. Possibly temporarily but it feels sort of permanent. The stripper that was so active has calmed down since she fell in love. I eliminated a whole bunch of names off my skype account. I had many. But I've whittled it down to a few old friends. Yeah I consider them friends. Guys I used to skype with, but often there was always some kind of chatting and general conversation as well. I like keeping in touch with them or at least having the possibility to keep in touch, I haven't talked to most in a very long time. I find that there's no harm in it though, I don't see the point in cutting friends off. Especially since I haven't gotten up to anything with anyone other than Rob in AGES. I want to keep it that way for now.

I often wonder if Rob is reading my blog, I check the stat counter and stumble upon something that could be him. I can't recognize him like I used to because he changed his computer. Maybe he doesn't come on, maybe I'm just hoping when I see a british ip address at an hour that could be him. There was one recently that stuck in my mind because whoever it was spent a long time on the blog at 2am, he would have just gotten home at that hour. Feasibly it could have been him.
I doubt it really makes a difference though. I just ramble anyhow. Whether he reads or not doesn't change what I write. Sometimes though I wish he could read and understand what goes through my mind sometimes. But at the same time he stopped reading because it was just frustrating for him I think. I often use the blog as a place to let go of feelings, let steam off and it could probably cause some discomfort at times if he read it.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Get away from it all

My Rant (skip this if you don't want to hear me whine)

I don't work with computers. I don't need them in my life except to keep in touch with people and to keep myself sane with my blog. But there are days when I just hate everything to do with technology and I feel like I need to run away from it all: TV, Internet, my iPhone. 

Today is one of those days. I know what has brought it on too. I've had a series of frustrating events on the internet and I just want to bury myself and hide for a while, ignore everything. 

They weren't serious events. They just add up and make me hate technology. One example is my conversation with Rob today that was interspersed with his phone constantly dropping off line, I think we attempted something like 8 calls in 20 minutes. In itself that isn't a problem, I laughed about it even, but I didn't actually have a conversation with him due to that. 
Another example is me trying to email him and the email not going through. 
The one that really got me frustrated is actually really hard to explain without exposing too much detail about myself. But suffice it to say that a technological decision on my part put me into a complicated position with a really good friend. At first I reacted with indifference and even a little anger at his reaction to my decision, and later I figured I should suck up my pride and apologize because it wasn't entirely my place to make that technological decision. I cried as I wrote the email to apologize, and when I received his even more apologetic response I cried more. 

Then there's the fact that 90% of the emails that come to my account are actually for my bf's work and I have to remember to tell him, talk to him, and send emails back to the people that write me. It's becoming another job that I really don't want. We originally decided to use my email because I speak English and he doesn't. But now I'm thinking it was a bad idea. 

I just want to turn everything off and not see internet for a while. I don't want to be tempted to check my email every 10 minutes to see if someone has written. I don't want to text people, I don't want to see Facebook, I don't want to use KiK, I don't want to use Instagram, I don't want to check my hotmail, I don't want to check gmail, I don't want to internet stalk people, I don't want to see the news, I don't want to see stupid half naked dancers on Italian TV, I don't want to hear about the crazy country I live in, I don't want to hear about economical crisis, I don't want to look things up on google when I don't know them, I don't want to see advertisements on tv, I don't want........ any of it.



I have been working a lot with the co worker these days and I've been falling into his little flirting tricks again. I was good at tuning it out until Monday. I wore a dress to work, and yes that always gets him. My hair was wavy that morning but it was damp out and I figured I should put it up for the afternoon, but at one point it was getting painful to keep up (updos for long periods can hurt boys), so I let it down, and since it had been up was it was back to being wavy. As soon as I let it down, he walked passed me and said a low "put it back up". I didn't quite catch it and couldn't understand so I repeated it to him without really realizing what he had said until it was out of my mouth and in the room full of people. Everyone looked at me briefly except him, and he just ignored it all. I'm assuming that letting it down somehow bothered him... he couldn't handle it. 

Today I arrived during lunch break and sat to eat something on my own, Co-worker walked in, we were alone briefly and he walked over, asked what I was eating and caressed my hair, moving it away from my face behind my ear. That made my stomach do a flip. We were then interrupted by our boss who called from another room. He sat opposite me though and we talked about work. 


On a spectacularly opposite note, I get people looking for "squid masturbation" on my site. I find that absolutely hilarious. 

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Mouth Fuck

So last night I was in bed, it was late and bf had just fallen asleep. I was crazy horny, I'd been thinking about Rob all day and just needed someone to fuck me silly.
I grabbed Bfs cock, his breathing quieted as he realized what was going on and I ducked under the covers to suck him off.

I climbed on top of him and rode him hard, his hands running their way up my body, my back started to arch in my imminent orgasm and he decides he needs to pull out. I groan a low "no" and roll off him onto my back.
I help myself to my clit massaging it frantically as he slips his fingers inside me, one, then two, then I can't resist and slip one of mine alongside his. My clit got to the point of being hypersensitive and everything felt SO good and I felt beyond cumming, but then it hit me and I bit bf's shoulder. After a few minutes of slow touching, bf still had to cum, so he kept working me, slipping his fingers inside me, helping me work my clit. I would push his hand here and there, making him do things, making him stop. Pushing his hand away and then pulling it back again.

We got to the point where he kneeled next to me, I propped my head up with a second pillow so I could watch him, I thought he wanted to cum on my tummy, so I fingered myself in anticipation as I watched him work his cock.
He did something I'd have never expected. He straddled my chest, came up so that his knees flanked my shoulders, his calves were locking my upper arms into place. My hands were down still working my clit, and he pushed his cock into my mouth. I couldn't move. One hand grabbed the headboard of the bed the other grabbed my head and he fucked my mouth. With all the practice I had with Rob, I can get Bf's cock all the way in now (he's smaller than Rob) and it would slide in down to the back of my throat, grazing my teeth on the way in.
God it felt so good. I loved every second of it, his cock cutting off my breathing, the feeling of being constricted and totally incapacitated. I continued to do the only thing I could, slip a finger inside myself while I circled my clit, I was dripping and yes I came a second time. It wasn't as strong as the first since I didn't want to lose control and bite down or something but it was sooo good.

And this was the first time I've had my mouth really fucked.

Funny how things go. It've been craving this so bad and somehow bf just knew.

Saturday, May 19, 2012


He works with engines. He gets dirty and his hands are rough. Oil from the machines cakes into the deep lines carved into the dry skin covering them and he should wear gloves but doesn't. He claims, and rightly so, that he loses sensibility.

His girlfriend refuses to let him touch her with "those hands" and he asks me if I would let him.

It's the first time since I can remember that he has directly included me in a sentence related to his gf.
Offhandedly I reply that if the oil doesn't come off scrubbing with soap and water then I highly doubt it would come off anywhere on my body.

Later he admits that he started wearing gloves weeks before we met. His hands were clean in Birmingham.

Finding out that for weeks before we met he prepared by wearing gloves at work while he hates it, just means so much to me. It's a premeditation and consideration, despite being uncomfortable, that he hasn't had for his girlfriend... in a way.

Thinking on it I'm not sure how I'd react to a husband/partner with constantly oily black hands. I may react just like his gf but right now I don't care what his hands look like, I'm just aching for them on me, In me, grazing, grabbing, pushing, guiding and spanking.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Kids, Conversations and Cum

We talk a lot on Skype. Recently we haven't been using video much because I'm often out of the house and I use my phone. I love talking to him, we generally just chit chat about whatever comes to mind. Rarely we go into sex talk in the afternoons, but on occasion there's an offhand comment about wanting to fuck me again or the question "when am I coming back".

In the past two conversations he has made offhand jokes about things that make me laugh, and that I don't pay much attention to at the time, but then they come back to me later and haunt me a bit... Okay so maybe "haunt" is a bit much, my brain just replays them over and over.

One was that I should move closer to him, meaning to the UK. I joked saying that he wouldn't be able to handle me living closer.
In another conversation about having children with our partners he said that I should have his babies... lol that still makes me laugh. At the same time I think about him fucking me, cumming inside me and yeah fucking me later still dripping with his cum. God, just the idea turns me on... I haven't had anyone cum inside me in over 15 years... Not being on the pill doesn't help much with that I guess, but I'm basically allergic to it.

The idea of me actually having his child doesn't horrify me either...strangely. I'd be more scared of having bf's child. I'm terrified of being connected to him forever I think. Whereas I don't mind the idea of forever being linked to Rob. Strange how my brain works.

It's not like I want kids or anything... Right now. But I do feel like time is creeping up and a decision has to be made at some point or fate will make my decision for me. When I did try bringing it up with the bf a while back he said that he wouldn't mind having a kid with me but only if it's a boy, because if it's a girl it would turn out to be too much like me. WTF is that supposed to mean?!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The last morning

April 28th
The thing I think back on most is the look in his eyes, especially that last morning.
He was leaving early so he had set the alarm on his phone. The night before had been frustrating for me because he had kept the TV on and was keeping his distance from me. I felt the need for him to be close. I was missing the intimacy on that last night. But I respected his need for distance and kept mine as well.
I had taken my fibro meds and they were forcing my eyes closed but I kept reaching a hand out even during that night to touch him and pulling back unsure of whether he would accept it. Silly of me really. I'm sure now that I should have. 

The next morning I woke up on my own just before his alarm went off. I had a shower and slipped into a pair of turquoise panties and my white stripes shirt. When I came out of the shower he smiled and said an enthusiastic “Hello!” which was too cute for me to resist and I jumped back on the bed. I buried my head in his shoulder, kissed it and wrapped my leg around his thighs.
His hands caressed my legs and even commented on my unshaven state (lol), and then he guided me over his hard cock.

We took things really slowly that morning. He left me in control. His hands would wander over my neck and face, his thumb caressing my lips, parting them ever so slightly. His eyes steadily fixed on mine.

My hands were pulling at his cock, trying to free it from his boxers and once free I rubbed it up and down my pussy covered in the thin fabric of my turquoise panties. I would tease, pressing the head of his cock against my clit, rubbing it back and forth, all in what seemed to be slow motion.

I slipped a finger under the hem of my underwear and pulled them aside and teased the tip of his cock with my wetness and then eased him in.
At some point there was a comment for me to stop staring at him, my reply being “you're the one staring at me”, with a little smile.
He was laying on his side and part of that time his face was half hidden behind the bulk of his pillow, all I could see was that one steely eye searing a hole into me, my heart, soul and memory.

I think I eased myself on top of him for a while until he flipped me onto my back and fucked me. As he came, I tilted my head back to watch him. His head up, eyes tightly closed mouth open and then he looked down at me briefly before he pulled out and came all over my tummy.
That morning, through the whole event he never once took his eyes off mine, except to cum.

As we said our goodbyes that morning standing outside the hotel front doors on that street near the bullring, right across from Chinatown where we had eaten the night before. He told me not to be too sad. I said that I’d try but I was trying hard already to hold back my tears.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

"Want to try something new?"

He asked me if I wanted to try something new. I nodded eagerly not exactly knowing what to expect. He said that he was going to go down on me. It was something he mentioned wanting to do before I even left Italy. He had also said that I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
He looked me in the eyes and said “but you have to keep your eyes on me, you have to watch me”.
He went down kissing my thighs on his way. He didn’t touch me once with his hands. He skillfully eased his tongue between my lips, lapping slowly at my clit. His chin came to rest at the opening of my slippery hole and he worked.
He never once took his eyes off mine. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that look, those eyes.
I must have been close to orgasm because he shook his finger at me, I couldn’t understand.  I held off though. Things get blurry after that. I must have been in quite the state. I know that he slipped a finger into me and I must have had an orgasm cause I remember him still between my legs when I closed my knees on his neck and I even rolled, dragging him with me. I think I even might have hurt him or come close to it. It was comical now that I think back, but then and there I barely noticed what was going on.

Then I was laying on my back and he on his side, our legs intertwined and his cock deep inside me and he was watching me. I came hard again, this time one of my more typical orgasms. It was so strong it brought me close to tears. He brought his hand to my throat as I came. First just a caress, but then a slightly stronger grip. I’ve never felt it before but I enjoyed the thrill of it. He would get this gleam in his eyes when he did that.

April 24th

This is something I wrote just after we left the hotel. I was at the train station waiting for my train back to London, he was driving back home.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

I love you too

Me: your email cracked me up
Rob: yeah? you thought it was funny?
Me: yup *grinning*
Rob: So I guess we've declared our love for each other...
Me: yeah I guess so
Rob: but I don't want to talk about it because I'm embarrassed... *half jokingly*
Me: you're almost worse than I am with expressing your feelings
Rob: no-ooh *taunting me in my own "no" giving tone*
but it's not a bad thing, apart from it being forbidden, it wouldn't have lasted this long if were weren't in love.
Me: yeah you're right.
Rob: the sex was good though wasn't it?
Me: yeah, very. I keep having to...
Rob: I keep wanking
Me: ...get myself off.
*laughs from both of us*

The rest of the conversation was chitchat about how we enjoyed ourselves in Birmingham.

The email I refer to is one that he sent after I hinted at coming to terms with my feelings for him. I never really could accept them. Now that I have, I feel calm and safe. I have no anxiety or fears around him as I usually do.

Fact was that he caught on to my hint and after saying that he was confused about my feelings for him he just answered "I love you too" without any round about way of saying things, no explanations nothing. Straight and to the point. Just like him I guess.
I on the other hand, when I got that email, wrote a page back explaining why I was feeling so calm and at ease with my feelings, how I had had a hard time in the past accepting them and so on and so forth.

He never wrote back, but I knew that it just meant he was accepting it. No need to comment on it. The Skype call did confirm it though and I find myself smiling or daydreaming about him at inappropriate moments of my days. Recalling his eyes, his body, his cock, his accent, his smile, his rough hands and his "I love you" in the email.