I started this blog years ago now as a place to write. I'm not consistent with writing in hand written diaries so I figured a blog would be ideal and I was right. I am fairly consistent with my entries and they keep a fairly accurate account of my life, emotions and especially sexual thoughts.
A few things to understand first:
-ME, without giving away too much I am from North America, but I've been living in Europe since 1998. I teach English and I consider myself an artist. Maybe I should say that I'm striving to be an artist. I lack the physical and emotional space to do what I want to do. I feel slightly caged by my relationship with my partner. I'd love to have my own apartment and workspace. I love time on my own, I hate being surrounded by people 100% of the time which is unfortunately what I have to live with.
-BF is my partner. We've been together (and living together) since 1998, I was 20 when I met him. I love him but the relationship isn't what I want exactly and I'm struggling to find a way to work my life out with him still in the picture, or perhaps not... it's all part of the process. I need to figure that out. He doesn't really work except a couple evenings a week and is therefore constantly home.
-Rob is my long term online lover. We met around 2003 online in a chat room we hit it off immediately and never lost touch. I've met him a total of three times all quite recently. Once just to see each other in person, for lunch and a day out, nothing happened. The other two times we met specifically for sex, once for a night the second time for two nights. I have let myself fall in love with him. I say "let" because I have difficulty letting myself fall in love.
-Co-Worker is a guy I've been working with for many years who I am attracted to and I almost had an affair with. Our missed affair happened to fall just after I got back from seeing Rob and I was overwhelmed with feelings for him so I didn't feel right getting into something with my Co-Worker but at times I have regretted that decision. He has a girlfriend and now a family. They now have a child together.
About the blog and what I write:
-I write things as I feel them, how I feel them, and as a fairly emotional woman they come out sounding intense. Don't get me wrong, they are intense in that moment but part of the reason I write them down is to see them clearly and let them go.
-I may go through periods of pseudo depression, where I'm feeling weathered and down (and I complain a lot), but it doesn't mean I'm spiraling out of control.
-Sometimes I write that I wish I could do this or that, or that I'm scared of taking steps or whatever, but it's just a process I need to go through to get a clearer mind and to understand where I need to go and what I really want.
-My relationship with Rob is a diversion to keep my mind off things at home, it's not the other way round. The situation with the bf wasn't created by the situation with Rob. I see Rob as a emotional and on occasion a physical escape from my life.