Monday, February 28, 2011


There are moments when I think I might just implode. The pressure of everything that goes on around me is sometimes overwhelming.... in a good way, I think.

It could be any combination of things to trigger this feeling, from a video to music, to food, or a smell or a look in an eye or a comment made by someone I know or even a dialogue in a film or a sitcom. They can all throw me for a loop and my mind starts whirring, starts analysing and trying to dissect things.
Why does my mind have to work like this?

Do I like it?
yeah, I love it. I love the analytics. I love the anxiety caused by all the thinking. I love the drama, I'm addicted to it. It's probably one reason why I get myself into certain situations. I feel the need to keep my mind busy. I think I fear feeling like I've died if it all ends. I can't fathom having a life without some kind of drama in it. Some kind of guy that I'm interested in. What would I feel like without the anxiety, without the worry and the constant thoughts of wanting someone and especially the sensation of being wanted?

Want a cliché? Life is too short to pass this kind of sensation up. The constant adrenaline in your veins, your mind constantly playing a scene, a touch, a look, a thought, a text, a sentence a word even, over and over in your mind like an old video tape being rewound over and over again until it gets distorted and the audio gets warped.

Does this mean I'm selfish?
Probably. I don't really think I care enough about the person who is in my life trying to live their life next to mine. I am more worried about my 'drugs' than working on an actual relationship.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

My So Called Life

I'm in this weird state, feeling strange, not something that will last, it's only temporary. The reason is that I found "My So Called Life" on 'Cooltube24' and have been watching it whenever I have a few minutes to spare. I feel like I've been sucked into a parallel universe, where I'm a teenager again.

The sitcom ran in 1994-1995 there was a total of 19 episodes including the pilot. It starred Clare Danes (as Angela Chase) and Jared Leto (as Jordan Catalano). Clare Danes plays a character that I swear is based on me as a teenager. It's a sitcom I used to watch when it first aired and my family and friends were shocked at how much we looked alike and acted the same. She was me, I was her. I had even dyed my hair red that year and I had the same haircut. The sitcom was running the year before I graduated from High school so it fit me perfectly. She narrates basically each episode and my thoughts at the time ran perfectly parallel to hers.

Jared Leto plays a character that is not the most intelligent, he's dyslexic and cuts class all the time. But he represents the type of guy that each teenaged girl has wanted so badly at some point or other. The typical guy who is sweet and caring and amazing at times and other times is afraid to make a move, scared to give the wrong impression to his friends and is worried about image (as most teenagers are). It makes for incredibly awkward situations interspersed with amazingly affectionate scenes which is much of how I remember my high school years.

I'm on episode 13 at the moment and I know that the sitcom ended with a cliffhanger and was cancelled. I don't want to finish it, I wish it could go on forever.

So I guess I've been sucked back into it all. The thoughts, the observations she makes are still extremely valid. And I still feel like her. I would suggest checking it out. At least the first two episodes. The second is possibly one of my favourites. It just explains so much about who I am I think.

Oh and ignore how they dress.... they're always wearing plaid shirts over everything. I didn't dress like that much. lol
Oh and another thing.... my toilet seat is "Catalano" brand (aka Jordan Catalano.... aka Jared Let).... WHY do I notice these things???

Saturday, February 26, 2011


I have been busy. Really busy this week. I've taken on two new jobs and was almost dragged into a third poor paying job by some school in the north that was desperate for a teacher here where I live.

So yeah, I'm not dead... My hair looks pretty good I think. It's getting pretty long too. I can put it up in a high pony-tail and it still touches the nape of my neck which is a sensation I love. Hair grazing the back of my neck while I walk or talk. I'll possibly try to get some kind of picture done this weekend when bf goes to work.

I did see Co-worker this past week at work, but there was no physical contact really. He did do his usual thing of getting up close to me to look over my shoulder while I was on the computer, but he didn't try to kiss my shoulder. I looked straight at him and had a MASSIVE urge to just kiss him, but my other co-worker girl was there and it would have been a very very bad idea.
He's on Gmail chat.... even as I write this and every time I see him there I wait for him to contact me. And I get stupid urges to write him things like "do you realise that you're playing with my head" or "you are capable of driving me crazy" or simply "what are you doing?"
But then I stop myself and think that he probably doesn't even realise what he does. He probably is just playful and affectionate all the time with everyone and I'm just taking it too far. I get to thinking that if I did say something it would put us both in a difficult position, and I know am right... so I stop myself. But I really wish I could clarify things sometimes or that he would clarify by doing something CLEAR for once.

As for Rob I've been working so much that I haven't been able to get on line much at all. He has texted me a few times saying that he was on line. He even wrote me an email asking me to send him a slutty email.
I sent him a story, it was short but could have gone on. I thought it was pretty hot... meaning that I got myself off on it, but I didn't really hear back from him on that. Perhaps I'll post it here at some point.

Bf and I have been getting along pretty well, not too many arguments, but there has been the odd sharp comment here and there. There hasn't been a lot of sex, actually there has only been two episodes in the past.... uhhh god knows how long. I sometimes get to wondering if he doesn't just think that sex is overrated with me or he just plain takes it for granted. He doesn't really work for it.... He doesn't seduce he doesn't TRY.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Shortly a new fangled Cande

Will shortly have reddish hair.... Dying in progress.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

A kiss

I went in to work today, just to get a few things done. I was sitting at the computer at the end of the big room. There was just my female work colleague and Co-worker boy in the room. My colleague and friend was busy working and Co-worker came over as he often does to look over my shoulder at what I'm doing on the computer. He always comes super close, he bends down to get his head right up next to mine and stares at what I'm doing.
Today, though, he did everything as usual... except he kissed me. He kissed that soft space between the neck and the shoulder, my hair had parted right there, I was wearing a wide boatneck sweater, showing off a bit of shoulder and I guess he just took advantage. I was startled. I certainly wasn't expecting it. In fact I kept very still as I usually do when he comes to stand that close to me. But when he kissed me, my head whipped round and my cheek bonked him in the head. He got slightly flustered, said "you were so concentrated I guess you didn't..." in what I'd call his 'joking around tone', and the sentence trailed off.

It gave me goosebumps. I'm not sure what to think about that... I can't really justify it as friendly flirting anymore, can I? I think it crosses the border.

The cute guy.

I can't get an HNT up this week unless I manage to get some time on my own by midnight tonight... which is a minor possibility... in the meantime I'll tell this story.

So I was walking home from work the other evening, after dark, and I walk past a cute young guy, beard and glasses type, he was wearing a coppola hat, very trendy. He looks me straight in the face and says "hey" in English... otherwise it would be "ey". I take a double take and say "Ciao" quietly a bit surprised. I thought he was trying to pick me up. I was happily flattered until he planted himself on the sidewalk and said "how are you?" in Italian.


Yeah I knew the guy but hadn't recognized him. He graduated with Co-worker boy and has his own business now. Very similar to the place I work at, but smaller scale. I've seen him around various times at openings and art shows. It's a small town and so if there's an opening or a show everyone in the field goes.
We've been introduced and I've even been over to his business to spend a bit of time and to say hi.

He is hot, very attractive, yes. Especially before the full on beard. I'm not much for bearded guys usually. I used to stare at him at these events, kinda hoping he'd pay more attention to me, then I found out he's married/or has a partner and just recently had a kid. Every time I see him I flirt a little, but he rarely pays much attention as far as I could tell.

It really surprised me the other evening though. I just didn't know what to say. He wanted to make small talk, and asked me where I was going at that hour. I told him that I was on my way home, that I had worked all afternoon and that I was tired. He had two shopping bags full of food and beer, he was heading back to his "office" for a bit of a party with some friends. I only realized when I got home that he was probably contemplating inviting me. When I told him I was tired he probably decided against it.

Annoying thing is that BF was eating at a friend's house that evening and it would have been perfect. Oh well...

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Thanks, orgasms and things

So thanks to Osbasso's feature of me as the Mystery guest last Thursday for HNT my traffic has gone up by about 30 visitors a day :-D So I want to welcome all the new visitors. Some who have made themselves very known leaving a bunch of comments on old posts. Gotta love that kind of thing. I've been having a hard time getting back to those (you know who you are) I can't get onto my HNT pics while bf is home, they'd go way too noticed. But I did read every single one of them from my comments page on my dashboard here on Blogger. So thanks.

To thank Osbasso the best I can do is say go visit him if you haven't come from there and become a participant in HNT or the Other HNT!! You can find buttons to his pages on my sidebar.

Last night I had a late night with Rob. One of these days I'm going to get soooo caught. We talked... rather whispered at each other. Bf was obviously sleeping, but the bedroom is probably about 7 metres away from my living room, and he never closes the door. I had to tiptoe over and close it a little... but I couldn't close it completely because it makes noise when I move the door handle.

So we giggled and made bad jokes for most of the time. I don't know how to explain it but I do get the impression we have a bit of complicity, we're like partners in crime and we (or at least I) have too much fun with it too. The voice thing makes it even more evident. While talking we get distracted get lost for words. Don't know what to write. Speaking we spurn each other on. When we speak we just make silly jokes and I end up giggling a lot.

No it wasn't all just giggles and jokes. There was an interval of big rock hard dripping cock... mmmm. Something that just kinda sticks in your mind and won't let you go.

So rather than climb into bed at 3:30 am and get myself off, I preferred to make myself wait until this morning. I was alone in bed and had a bit more freedom of movement. I slid my hands down my panties, circled my clit and just with the tip of my fingers I teased the wet entrance until I came. heaven... I am becoming more aware of my body as time passes. My methods of getting myself off have changed since I started this blog... And When I came, my mouth gaped open, I gasped (because I couldn't make noise since bf was home, those same 7 metres away) and my head tilted back and tucked right under my neck, my lower back arched off the bed, in a very intense constriction of every muscle in my body.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Valentines Trauma

So bf went out Valentines day morning to surprise me with a rose and chocolates. He came home with a box of Baci chocolates (the ones with little love phrases inside like fortune cookies) and a box of Lindt chocolate balls. After eating lunch I immediately went to open the box of Baci. I carefully unwrapped one of the chocolates and pulled the thin transparent paper out from between the foil and the hazelnut ganache covered with milk chocolate.

Here's what the message read:

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.

WTF?!?! That's not a love sentence!

What worries me more is the possible truth in the sentence and the possibility that it could also be true for women, perhaps even more true for women. 

Sunday, February 13, 2011


well.... after that very frustrating post that I wrote last night the ice finally melted. Bf came back to bed this morning and yes we had sex. It was pretty good too. All except first stages of foreplay, but I tried real hard to ignore it. I won't even bother going into that.

The sex was very good but as per usual after a long time I could not come. I will the second time round. I came very close to coming but alas it was not my destiny. I tried everything to keep bf from coming before I came. It got to the point where I thought that if I sat on him reverse cowgirl, and didn't move much and just worked my clit I could cum without him getting too much stimulation. But what ended up happening was, and I've never done this before, I sat on him to start and then I lowered my self... hmm how can I explain it. Ok, imagine I'm on top of you ;) if you're a guy... and I'm kneeling facing away. I rest my head between your feet and then I extend one of my legs back. There is absolutely no way you can really move in that position, but I can get to my clit and work it, but I didn't factor in that:
a) bf gets a perfect view of himself inside me and my ass which he loves.
b) my hand working my clit was acting like a vibrator on his balls.
c) bf would be tempted to play with the "forbidden" hole which always makes him cum.
So alas he pulled out and came. I kept up with the stimulation because I was so close and I think his orgasm may have been stronger because he had such a great view of me playing with myself.

Phew... anyhow finally.... I'm feeling a bit better. Now I just need to work on the foreplay. I feel like he's treating me like something that is fragile during foreplay. Once he got inside he started spanking HARD man... that was fun. I actually had to grab his hand at one point to stop him for a minute lol.

catch 22

Maybe things are just going to wind into a catch 22. I will resent the fact that we are not having sex so I won't feel like having sex and therefore less sex will be had....

Bf woke up this morning saying that he was still feeling strange. He came in and gave me a peck on the cheek this morning to wake me up. He asked if I was angry at him, and I said no. On the other hand I honestly thought he might have been angry at me for Friday night at the pub, I talked to one of the older brit guys that works in the office with my friend. And I got the feeling bf was annoyed by it.

I don't know if he read the text I sent him... I imagine he read it this morning... but who knows. He's definitely not very technological when it comes to his phone. But he for sure felt his phone vibrate on Friday. He probably thought I was trying to get him to check his phone by calling him. He didn't notice the message for sure. And he wasn't feeling well. It was bad timing, but I still don't get why there is NO advance whatsoever on his part... I think I've made my move, the text message was pretty explicit... But I guess it's not enough. I'm not sure what I should do though to break through.

I actually don't remember when we last had sex.... It has to be over a month and a half... maybe two months.

Maybe I should stop any self stimulation for a while to see what happens.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

the dream

It was awkward. There was no overlaying filter of romanticism, it was just pure adrenaline, pure desire. We were both fumbling for each other, hands moving frantically, grabbing, groping, sliding, restraining.
It didn't last long, we both wanted it so much and for so long that it couldn't have lasted long. He was going to cum, he told me quite matter-of-factly. I could feel him throb, getting bigger, filling me more. But I wanted him to come in my mouth, "come in my mouth" I said quietly. He clumsily pulled out, quickly, there was no time left. My hands shot to his cock and worked him over my open mouth, but it all went so fast. He came hard into my mouth, hot, sweet, sticky cum. I could taste it so clearly that my eyes shot open and it was gone.
I must have moaned. Bf asked me if I was having a nightmare. I told him that I wasn't sure and that I got woken by something that I couldn't remember. I just hope I don't start talking in my sleep.

That is about the second sex dream that has actually woken me up. The other was when I had that orgasm in the middle of the night. 

In any case it was super intense. To boot bf and I were out in the car today and stopped at a super market when a song that Rob sent me last time we talked came on the radio. I actually stayed in the car to listen to it while bf went into the supermarket.

What am I doing wrong?

So bf and I went out to a pub with friends this evening. I had a few drinks in me and thought it would be a good start to send him a sexy text message. So I hid my phone under the table and sent him a message that said... "so are we gonna have some crazy sex tonight?"

It's a typical sentence we used to use when we'd fuck with no end during those hot summers.

So I kept an eye on bf seeing if he read the message... but he never did... thinking that he didn't feel it (on silent mode that vibrates), I call him to get his phone to vibrate, once, twice a third time, but he never pulls it out of his pocket.

We get home, and he's seemingly exhausted, perhaps on edge, hard to tell, in any case. I ask him what's up, he says he couldn't wait to get home. I ask why if it's a body thing or a head thing, and he says he doesn't know. I pull his phone out of his pocket to see if maybe I missed him reading my text... But there are three missed calls and a text message still on his phone. he hasn't seen any of them. I show him the unread message but he has no interest in reading it.

So now he's in bed... he hasn't read my message. He is soundly sleeping.
WTF am I doing wrong??

Friday, February 11, 2011

HNT late

I hope the click works... my preview isn't working today

Thursday, February 10, 2011

It's Thursday...

...but I can't get HNT up without bf noticing and I've been too busy to schedule the post.

I will tell anyone who's reading though that the sex did not happen yesterday, and all the advice was probably the best there was, because I chose my battles wrong.

I think I'm just a bit on edge these days for a series of reasons... but none the less bf has already gotten over the hour long incredibly frustrating conversation from last night and he's been trying to get my mind off it all day long.

Perhaps things will remedy fast... hopefully.

On a separate note, I have been thinking about Rob so that I can get to sleep at night. I've got so much going on in my head that I haven't been falling asleep. I've been anxious about work and other stuff. So Rob is my saving grace whether he likes it or not.
He has been lurking, which I love, it means he thinks about me randomly. I miss him. When I get like this I miss him more than usual. He's my guru... lol.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

oh no...

The probability of sex is quickly slipping.

What do you do when you find cigarette ash. Do you say something and risk an argument and no sex. Or do you ignore it, have it on your mind for the next while but have sex?

oh yes

Today there will be sex.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

all Quiet on the Western Front.

All Quiet on the Western Front... especially on the sex scene. I was hoping that bf would make a move, but it looks like I'll have to make it.

I went to bed last night super early, like 10 o'clock, I'm just not used to getting up at 7:30 to go to work and working until 9pm. This morning I woke up to thoughts of Rob. Rob in my bed. I woke up to the lovely thought of him sucking my clit, and then pulling me onto his lap, making me ride him slow and deep, while both sitting upright. he then pushes me back slowly, arm hooked under the small of my back and my shoulders and head back on the bed. One of his hands roams my torso, breasts and neck, while he fucks me harder and deeper. I came damned hard to those thoughts. I had to be careful not to groan out loud, bf was in just the other room, and I would have been heard in a totally silent house. I gasped though... completely involuntarily.

I then turned on my phone and was pleasantly surprised that I got a text from Rob that I wasn't expecting. He's on holiday skiing. He was on line last night like at 10pm my time. I was fast asleep in bed... darned it all...
Anyhow he left me a really nice email that I could easily cum again to.

Seeing as this is another week back at work I get to see Co-Worker. I'm sad to say that he will be going away for 3 weeks in March. South Africa... word is that he might be thinking of moving there with his gf.. I'd be sad very sad if he did that.
Nothing much of worth there either. Today he walked past me, stared me straight in the eyes and continued to walk while staring straight at me. I actually turned my whole body to stare at him, it was a kind of staring game I guess, both our eyes were huge, neither of us smiled. But I suppose it was kinda funny but strange.

At lunch though he kept preening, he reminded me of my parrot. Sitting there, glancing at me, fixing his hair, his sweater, rubbing his eyes, glancing at me, straightening his tray, smoothing his sleeves, fiddling with his fingers, glancing at me...All very quickly too... not normal speed. He does tend to be a bit anxious in general, he's always moving, but it was a bit over the top at lunch, it looked like he didn't know what to do with himself. Or maybe it was a subconscious attempt to attract attention.

Anyhow I need to get off... again... I think it's the work tension.

mumblemumble... argmeloshmfh... k back to work...

heheh I wonder how many people will come to my blog looking for info on All Quiet on the Western Front. lol

Friday, February 4, 2011

Can't think of interesting titles anymore.

So the final word on what's been going on is that we had another outburst, we had another silly argument. It was last Saturday night, I was in a good mood because I'd had a good day with bf, and I had organized some of my trip to N. America with some friends of mine and I wanted to tell him what I'd worked out. He gets home and starts reaming me out for shit that was so stupid, so unnecessary. Anyhow I got angry, he realized how unfriendly he'd been and came to apologize. When he did I couldn't help but burst into tears. I confessed that I hadn't gotten over the previous week's events. He apologized once again and told me all sorts of "nice" things, things he never says until he sees me cry. Often these things make me cry more, not because they make me sad, but because it's a bit of a sensory overload I suppose. Well he ended up saying he that he wanted to give me a back rub to make up for it and gave me a half assed job in bed. Then we got talking about our trip to N. America this summer and ended up talking details until 1 am. Still no sex... but that will come soon. I guess that's the end. I won't be mentioning it anymore. And I think he got the point.

I checked out some gay porn the other day when I had a bit of time. I have to admit that some of it turned me on, and I think more turned me off. I can easily watch a guy sucking another guy off. That was hot. I watched a few videos of a few guys fucking, but I couldn't get into it. I think the problem was that I couldn't relate to the situation. When I watch porn I need to be able to imagine what it feels like. I'm not sure, it could be that the videos I watched weren't the right kind. I did like the bj stuff though.

There are a few new blogs around so I've updated my list. One I have become very fond of is Orgasm's of Johanna. Another newbie is Joe Nobody. I'm sure I've mentioned Amorous Ebony Chronicles before,  Advizor's blog Free Advice is worth what you pay for it. They're all excellent and there are more in the side bar on the right. I unfortunately have so little time and freedom to do a lot of reading and keeping up. But if I had the freedom I'd probably never get anything done with all the great reading around.
Enjoy :-)
BTW Does anyone know what happened to Library Vixen has she moved?

Don't laugh. I have rediscovered Buffy the Vampire slayer. I love it. Always have. The re-runs are on late at night here so I can't watch them while I'm working. But like tonight I'm up late writing and watching Buffy. I've had a bit of a thing for Spike... I didn't like him at first, but his personality grew on me and now I kinda drool over him. Very sexy. Plus Sarah Michelle Gellar is hot.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

HNT cowgirl boots

Sorry I had no time to actually get this with a click thru, but I figured it's just the same if I post them both right?? :) I just played with the colour of the chair and removed background items as usual

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

London again... (please don't roll your eyes!)

Right... so I've done it. I've booked my flight over to London for the 3rd and probably the last time for a good while. I'll be going in mid May for a Roger Waters' concert. I am also going back to N. America to visit family and friends this summer in August mostly. But I will not have the money to travel for a while after all of that.

I texted Rob yesterday to let him know that I booked the tickets,
He knows that I'm not putting any kind of expectation or weight on this. I'm just looking forward to a cool concert. Whatever comes, comes... I know that the online side of things will remain no matter what happens, that's what's important.

So Rob texted me last night to tell me he was on line. It was a bit of a surprise honestly. When I tell him that I've made some sort of commitment to come to London he is usually pretty quiet for a while. This time we talked quite a bit even. He said that he was looking at hotels in a town outside of London. We decided a day even. There was a constant flow of surprising comments.

I have to say that he is unique. There's something about his online behaviour that is so different from the usual cyber chat stuff and it turns me on so much. I can't describe it either. There's, you know, the usual, "oh slide your hands down your panties, ok now touch your clit..." type stuff. And he just doesn't do that. He knows how my mind works. And he pushes all the right buttons. It's like he climbs inside my mind and works from the inside out.

Last night he asked me what I thought about when I'm getting myself off. I told him a quick fantasy off the top of my head: He takes me from behind, me kneeling on the bed, my hair in his hands pulling my head and back into an uncomfortable arch as he pounds me, then he lets go, pushes the top half of my body and my head onto the bed, ass high in the air as he continues.
And he said "why do you think like that?" There was obviously no tone in the chat message, so no way to gage his voice. But I knew what he meant.
I told him that it turned me on, that I like the submissive angle, but that I didn't know why.
He said that he wanted to find out, he wanted to help me find out.