Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Highs and Lows. Sex description included.

Why does everything always end up happening all at once?

It's been a crazy couple of days. There have been a lot of highs and lows. Mostly lows.

The Highs
The highs were the texting with co-worker which still has me reeling and my mind whirrs and I love it so I can't complain about that. I'm frustrated that I have no way to communicate with him about how I feel though. I know he doesn't want to get into text chats about it. While we were in Corfu he was very clear that he was the one who made decisions in this. So I just wait on him I guess.

I emailed a few times with Rob sent him some pics. Although I haven't had the chance to talk to him since he got back from his holiday. I've been really yearning just to talk to him on the phone. Anything.

I had sex with bf twice in two days ... that's pretty rare. The 1st time was intense and I loved it and still get off on the thoughts and memories around it. I really can't complain about sex with the bf it's ALWAYS good and I almost always get off. He had me in a position yesterday that got me off so fast.... It'll be hard to explain and it was in all honesty a very strange position. But there was something about it that just... mmmmm.
We were fucking from a side position. So: facing each other lying on our sides, my leg over his hip. He started pushing fingers into my mouth, and eventually his thumb made its way in, all the way in, deep. Then he did something strange, something he's never done before. He pushed my head down, then my shoulders, until I was basically folded in half on my side, with my shoulders at the height of his belly. His thumb still deep in my throat and his other hand on the back of my neck. It was like he was pushing me to go down on him, but his cock was deep in my pussy. But it felt like he was expecting me to suck him off, and his thumb delved deeper into my mouth, limiting on my throat. He pushed in rhythm both his cock and thumb, and well I was stimulating my clit and... yeah, that did it.

The Lows
My best friend back home is leaving her abusive husband and I've been worried about her and it has been rough, especially for her, but strangely also for me. Let's just say our lives are very tightly intertwined. I think I've mentioned before that she married my Ex...

Then there's my citizenship. I found out that I can request a citizenship this year (which was a high for me). But the Italian bureaucracy is so contorted that I need to prove that I make 8000 Euros a year when legally as a freelance worker I can't earn more than 5000 Euros. WTF is up with that?? ugh
It's the frustration that makes me want to cry. I couldn't care less about the actual citizenship (except for the fact that I could work in other parts of Europe.)

Then there's my medical check up with a Rheumatologist yesterday. I went back hoping to get some more clarification on my Fibromyalgia and basically was hoping he'd tell me that the doctor who diagnosed me was wrong. It didn't quite go that way. He confirmed it and basically confirmed that all the problems I've had are all connected to the FM, so kidney stones, kidney infections, colics, chronic cough, sinus problems... and the list goes on and on...
In a half hour I'm going to call my doctor to let her know. I'm hoping she can get me a certificate stating that I don't need to pay for my healthcare with this kind of "illness" but I basically already know that it won't be covered.

Bf doesn't really get the Fibro thing. I brought him along to the appointment in hopes that he'd "get it". But he doesn't. Maybe I'm jumping the gun. We only had one conversation about it today. We've been joking around a lot these days making a lot of jokes about one another and taking things generally very lightly. Sometimes I find it hard to figure out if he's being serious or not. Time will tell though I guess.
It's one problem I've had with him in the past though, just not accepting that I have any kind of illness. He thinks I make things up. He thinks they are psychosomatic or that I' a hypochondriac, and I often feel like one at times, there are just so many symptoms it sucks.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

OMG! WTF? Co-Worker TXT... and the Mosuos

To major things happened yesterday afternoon/evening They may seem insignificant to an outside observer, but they made a huge impact on me.

One was a text conversation with co-worker. It was a total of 6 messages but extremely revealing.

They went something like this (the conversation was held in a mix of Italian and English, mostly Italian for him, and mostly English for me but we did combine sentences of both):

Him: I've been dreaming about you recently :-/ (Italian)

Me: Good or bad dreams? I have to admit you've made an appearance in my head recently too. (Italian)

Him: Really sluuuurpy dreams! (here slurpy is an italian steal from comics, meaning yummy), I was tempting you, I'm in your thoughts, you came to Corfu, you work where I work, you made snow sculptures, Stop it. (Italian)

Me: I can't stop... part of me wants you... slurpy is good though. (English)

Him: While they are dreams.. reality is intriguing but we are good...right? Mmmm Slurpy, have a nice nite... because the night... ... (Italian)

Me: Hm good? I'm not sure I am... but yes the night....I'm definitely not good. Slurp. (English)

Ok, so it's just an OMG! WTF moment. After all the ignoring and trying to forget and no contact and his not answering me and total lack of electronic response to me he comes out with all this?? ok... so moving beyond the surprise he references both that 'famous' text that I sent him a while back basically saying 'you tempt me' as well as my pics on FB with my snow sculptures. So he's been internet stalking like the rest of us.

The whole episode has lifted a massive 1000 ton of bricks from my shoulders. I have been ruminating the whole Greece thing with confusion and some anguish for the past... what? 8 or 9 months? I thought he was angry at me, I irrationally thought he kinda hated me, I honestly thought he was avoiding me at all costs. But now it feels like things are back to normal. I don't have to act on anything, and I probably won't, but I feel better knowing that the attraction is still there for both of us. It's all I really wanted... a little closure, a little admittance, a little acknowledgement, that's all. Phew.

The other thing that might seem even more insignificant is my discovery of the existence of a tribe in the Chinese Himalayas called "Mosuo". They are probably one of the only Matriarchal tribes left in the world. What caught my attention most was what they call "Walking Marriages" where the women sleep with partners when they want and with whoever they want. If she becomes pregnant the child is hers and a family is not created around a mother-father union, rather the family is created through the mother line, everyone born from that mother lives with their mother and if the daughters have children the family gets bigger. The men live at home with their mothers the women live at their homes. Everyone is free.

One of the most important lines from the documentary was "when the love finishes it's time to move on". It's exactly how I'd live. Exactly how I think I'd be if society didn't force women into certain roles. What would society think if a woman just slept with different partners all her life so that she could feel in love all the time? She would be considered promiscuous. But with the Mosuos it's just the way it is, it's the natural evolution of things. The whole goal of the women in that tribe is to feel constantly in love. Isn't that just amazing?

Society today is based on an antique Patriarchal system where men owned their women, daughters were sold into marriage. Maybe it's time to start changing things.
To boot, the tribe doesn't even have a word for war or conflict.

So the impact of this on me was simply a huge sigh of relief, understanding that what I feel would be right for me is actually just part of my nature. I'm not crazy to want to be in love all the time. I'm not crazy to not want a lifelong partner. Serial Monogamy is the 'technical' anthropological term. This is how I could definitely live.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Midnight Ramblings

Rob and Co-Worker
I have been thinking about Rob a lot. Ok that's nothing new really is it.
He was on holiday here in the country where I live but he was not answering his texts, only communicating via email for a week. It didn't change much, but there was no chance that I'd see him online that week. We go weeks without seeing each other online but at least we make an attempt, send texts seeing if the other is online.
It was a week where he was sort of out of sight out of mind. I did think about him considering the quantity of snow that has fallen on this part of Europe, wondering if he'd get out of the country ok, flights and such. But other than that I wasn't really thinking about him. That is until yesterday. He texted me in the afternoon with his usual "On" text, meaning that he was on Skype. Bf was home and there was no hope of me getting on.
But it put a HUGE smile on my face. Just the knowledge that he wanted to see me the day after he got back. It meant a lot to me, even if it may seem insignificant.

When I go to bed my mind starts to whirr, it's the anxiety that I have to live with in the evenings. My mind seems to go on a thinking rampage just about every evening. Some nights are worse than others. Last night was bad. It was all reasoning on Rob and Co-worker. I realized last night that I hadn't thought of Co-worker at all in the past few months, not sexually anyhow. I have thought about him in terms of wondering what he's up to, and trying to figure things out but I hadn't really thought of the trip to Corfu. But just as I was thinking about how I hadn't thought of all of that for months, the memories came flooding back. It was somewhat agonizing.

my mind wandered to thoughts of us in bed, that morning, my leg grazing his hard cock, him in just his red boxer-briefs, me in my panties and tank top. His groan as my leg grazed him, my groan and moving my leg away to another position.
But then I pushed the idea out of my head. Trying to concentrate on Rob, something more understandable, comfortable happier.

I had an odd dream about Rob the night before last. We were having sex here in my own apartment, when a girl that I barely know, a girl I worked with briefly, came crawling through my window. It was awkward and I didn't know how to explain the situation to her. I woke up though with images of a naked Rob running through my mind :)

Fetishes and TV series.
We have been snowed in here during the past week. I have been working very little. Many of my students cancelled on me since the schools are closed and streets too icy to drive on. But I managed to get a little filler work helping a guy translate some psychology papers. They were interesting, Freudian analysis on fetishes. Unfortunately the guy who I was helping was a little creepy. 3 hours a day he'd come and we'd translate these papers. Then he'd stop at every new concept and explain it to me. Too bad he was a 75yr old man with greasy yellow hair and yellow teeth.

Some of the concepts were really interesting though and I might come back to them at some point.

On a totally different note, I have become completely and utterly addicted to the British Sherlock series. IT IS AMAZING. If you haven't seen it, find it and watch it now.

I don't want to go into all the details about it, that would be boring, but it is based in modern-day London. Sherlock is a handsom young (mid 30s) eccentric sociopath, Watson is a handsom young (late 30s?) ex-soldier, and then there's Moriarty, my FAVOURITE character. Yeah he's just yummy. I'm not sure whether it's his accent or what. But hmmmm yeah, yum.... I think I could dare just about anyone to watch it and not like it. It's just not possible. The sets are amazing, dialogue is brilliant, it's often funny, always intriguing, they use technology to carry out the original stories with great taste and intelligence.... and the list goes on.