Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Want to Make me Cum?

Start with the mind and work your way down from there. Start within the mind, teasing, writing, speaking, hinting. You can tell me what you want and tell me what I want. Whisper obscenities in my ears give me orders I can obey or put words into my mouth.

Then the eyes: looks, glances... look away and then look back, look me up and down, watch me from a distance. Have me perform for you or you could perform for me. The eyes are essential. Watch me watch you but I especially enjoy watching you watch me.

The mouth is next. Smiles, closed ones, open ones showing teeth, a little tongue, bite your lip, then bite mine kissing and licking. It can be rough or sweet... either way works. It puts the rest of the body in motion. You can move down from there, biting the neck, sucking, licking, nipples, fingers... Make me suck yours. Use my mouth, don't be nice all the time. Contrast, that's what makes it interesting. Yin and Yang. You know... all rolled into one. Sharp biting with soft licking. Rough with sweet.

Start with the mind but never leave it. Keep it active. Keep talking, keep teasing, keep whispering, especially whispering.

Continue down, work your way down but don't move from one to the next, keep everything engaged as best you can. Don't forget the eyes, the smiles, the biting.

Hands next. Hands moving everywhere. Down especially, but up too. Up to the head, to the hair, to the neck. Squeeze, pull, push, slap even, spank. Further, deeper, faster. You've got two hands they can do more than one thing at a time, working in unison. Multitask.

I don't want control. I want to lose it completely to you.

Sex, your cock, well that's the last of it. That's the last step. Everything up to that is gold. Sex is not the main event. It's an integral part of the rest, everything that goes on before determines how good the sex will be. Your cock is a tool, just like the rest of you. Use it well and you'll get your prize.

You want to make me cum? You have to start with the mind.

Friday, December 26, 2014

It was nice.

Christmas away with the bf was nice. Not as special as I'd hoped but it was nice. We ended up meeting a man who was from the same village in the south as the bf. It was a total fluke and a very bizarre coincidence. Their sisters even work together.

We got invited to their house for Christmas lunch, the main Christmas meal here. They have two kids so it was kinda nice to spend time with a family. It was somewhat awkward at times though, turns out he used to be an alcoholic and he didn't go so far as to say it but it became clear at one point.

Instead it was awkward for us because they started to quiz us about why we didn't have kids or get married. I never spoke, the bf answered their inquiries. I didn't have the guts to speak up. I'm such a fucking wimp. His answer was that we never felt the necessity to have kids or get married. Specifically he said it was mostly about the fact that he thinks marriage is all a money making industry for the church and that it really doesn't make any difference.

As for kids he said that we prefer to travel and be free than have kids.

Partially true. Truer for him probably. But still it would have been nicer for him to ask me. 
I am coming to realize I'm a walking contradiction. I wish I weren't sometimes. 

Monday, December 22, 2014

Christmas Spirit

Christmas as an expat kinda sucks. No, scratch that, it really sucks. My bf has family, he has a lot of it. He's got two brothers with kids who live fairly close to us and then there's his mom and sister who live too far away to see often.
Years ago we'd spend the holidays with his brothers and kids, when the kids were little. It was nice, we would spoil the kids getting them gifts. Now that the kids are older and the families have become messed up we don't spend the holidays with them anymore. It's been years since we did.

I used to set up a tree, decorate it, and run around buying gifts to put under it. I'd even have stockings which aren't a tradition here. I'd fill the stocking for everyone, even for myself, like I imagine my mom would do when I was little.
I used to love Christmas, the smell of the tree especially. I loved to wake up to the smell of a real pine tree and mandarin oranges. My mother would use mandarins at the bottom of each stocking. I'd eat it while opening gifts.

We'd take turns opening presents. We'd go around the room and watch and comment on other family member's gifts. It's not exactly the same here everyone just grabs and opens their gifts. But it was nice nonetheless. Now I'd much rather be away for Christmas. I'd rather be out of the country if I can.

My parents were so good at making Christmas magical for me. I would leave out milk and cookies for Santa and my mother would leave small gifts under the tree for me from him. She'd write little tags, they had a silly printed hand written SANTA on them. One year they told me to leave a carrot out for the reindeer. The next morning I found bite marks like a deer had taken a bite. Still not sure how she managed that one.

The last Christmas I had with my dad I was probably 19 or so. I said I'd leave something for Santa. It was tradition after all. We were out of milk so I filled a glass with water and then spiked it with Vodka or some transparent alcohol, I left cookies and I still remember the look on my dad's face the next morning. He thought it was funny.

This year the bf and I are going to a spa-hotel for three nights. It would have been my first Christmas here in my new apartment. It would have been rather quiet, possibly depressing depending on my mood and how nostalgic I'm feeling. I'm looking forward to getting away and having the opportunity to have a nice Christmas dinner with the bf. There won't be any gift opening I'm sure, but it'll be nice.

I just miss having family to celebrate with. All our friends go away or spend Christmas with their families. It's not like New Year's Eve where we often spend it with a big group of friends. Christmas is just better with family to share it with.

Saturday, December 20, 2014


There's something to say about good old phone sex. I remember having phone sex when I was a teenager with my first boyfriends. It was a naughty thing to do without actually having sex. 

There would be him asking me to do various things, shy, I'm sure, afraid to ask certain things. 'Taste yourself', 'lick your finger and put it...' Me on the other end performing, obeying orders, groaning quietly into the phone. There would be silences while we worked to get ourselves off and then there'd be questions 'how close are you?' 'Are you going to cum?' 'How many fingers are you using?' 'How wet are you?'

The human voice can convey so much. It's really incredible. I've heard it can even transmit information about certain hormones or pheromones. It would explain why any woman could reach orgasm just to hear Benedict Cumberbatch's voice. 

Skype is no different really with the added plus of the video. I guess for a guy those are probably more important even than the voice, but for me it's the voice that really gets me. 

For me it's the right words will bring me to my knees, doubled over in ecstasy. 

They could be sweet or smutty, calling me a little slut or telling me how beautiful I look, telling me what you'll do to me, or just saying 'fuck that's hot, work your pussy for me'. Orders are welcome but I especially want to hear what I do to you, what seeing/hearing me makes you feel and want. It's the ones you're most afraid of that will be whispered and the ones that will get me closer to my goal. 

I want to hear what you'd use the various parts of my body for, how you'd fill me with your cum, how you'd take advantage of all my holes. 

Whispers feel like they get inside my head, it's like you're inside me fucking me from the inside out. 

I'll take a good mind fuck any day. 

Monday, December 15, 2014


I've gone through most of my life rather indecisive about the topic of having children. When I was a teenager I met a palm reader who looked at my hands and said I'd have three kids. I scoffed and later, with my friends said I'd have at most two. I'd never have three.

With the bf, the topic of children came up often since his nieces were always begging us to have kids. We would joke about the fact that we already had one, our parrot was our kid. We even told his nieces that I gave birth to the parrot and I was only capable of having more parrots. The middle niece grew up with the notion that our parrot was in fact our child. When he died just a year ago she was upset about it. He'd been with us for 15 years so it was sad for all of us.

The bf has never brought up the topic of children with me. I have, in the past, brought it up with him, asking if he wanted kids. The outcome was traumatic, so much so that I wrote about it. Mind you I can't find the original post it so maybe I didn't. 
To sum it up when I asked the bf whether he wanted kids his answer was "no because if it were a girl it would be like you".
I ended up in counseling for that comment.

Years later, sometime in the last two years, we talked about it again, I told him about his comment and he obviously didn't remember it but he said I must have misunderstood. It's possible, I really don't know. Bottom line was that he wasn't looking to have children within the next 5 years. I specified the 5 years because I decided that having a kid after 40 wasn't going to be likely for me.

The whole family thing is probably part of my reason or separating from the bf. If I'd had a partner that was really keen on starting a family, I probably would have. Fact is my situation with the bf was a combination of things including a large part of his attitude towards me, his lack of openness about his love for me. I felt like an ornament rather than someone to have a family with. There was never talk about marriage or kids.

My biological clock is ticking so loudly these days that I have urges to bring it up again with him but as the logical thinker I am it would be a mistake. Having a kid with the bf would bind me to him in a way that I'm not sure makes sense right now. The strange thing in all of this, and this isn't the first time I've said this, but I'd much rather entertain the idea of having a child with Rob.
Impossible, yes but the fantasy turns me on more and more with my clock ticking the way it is.

So what are my options? Break up with the bf hoping to find someone, fall madly in love and build a meaningful relationship within the next two/three years and have a kid at the age of 40 (really, really unlikely). I could ask the bf again, and (granted that I convince him) have a kid with him even though I've made the decision to live separately from him, or I could just plain give up.

Sadly the last option seems like the only viable one and it pains me to admit it.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Cum Again?

I love waking up to thoughts of Rob. I've got mornings off these days and after a nasty cold I'm catching up on sleep in the mornings. I woke up late with heated thoughts of Rob, the best part was a text message from him saying hello as I was finishing up.

After I was out of bed and dressed, turned the heater back on (I leave it off at night), I got another text asking if I was working and then the request for something sexy and classy since I had the time.

I sent pictures to him on iMessage one by one, slowly, as I got myself off. I recorded three videos in all including one of me cumming and one of me saying how much I wanted his cock inside me.
Needless to say I have a new folder called Classy December on my computer.
 It turned me on so much I was still wet hours later. I couldn't concentrate on my afternoon lessons, I kept getting distracted.

Later Rob sent me a present, it was a very yummy video of him wanking over my pictures, looking at them one by one and commenting till he came.
 It got me hotter and wetter and needing another orgasm I was in the process of downloading it onto my computer when he texted me again asking if we could meet on skype.

That was the third orgasm of the day, short but oh so very sexy. God I love the sight of him.

So it was like Christmas today. Lots of presents, enjoying company of others, having fun, orgasms... the works.

I have to say that the more I get the more I want. I could cum again. I totally could.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Warrior in Red

Warrior me is still here.
Never went anywhere... she just got lost for a while but she might make a comeback.
She needs her war paint.
She needs to feel fire and determination. 
I need to feel stronger. Maybe she can help.
*click me*

Monday, December 8, 2014

When does a girl know that she likes being tied up?

I've been thinking about this for a while now. I can't remember what triggered my thoughts on this, I think it might have been a porn clip that was very rough with a final interview with the girl.

I have mentioned before that I started masturbating when I was little, I think I was 5 or so. I remember a slightly older child showing me how (not as bad as it sounds... I didn't see an inch of skin and she didn't touch me). From that age on I explored sexuality as a child, I delved into images and ideas that turned me on and some were odd of course, as a child sex is completely different. I barely knew where the penis went, but I did know that boys were involved.

I'm not entirely sure when it started or when I figured it out, but I would get myself into tight spots, wrapping my legs and thighs with tight things. I would quickly reach orgasm that way. I used this technique quite often for years, up until I was a pre-teen. Who am I kidding. I still use it lol.

I remember using my pjs, getting both my legs into one leg of my pjs like a long, very tight skirt. Not something I do anymore mind you lol, but I do use tight clothing, things that I can feel hinder movement, especially in my thighs. Tight skirts, tight shorts even.

Maybe it comes from knowing I shouldn't have been doing it and the constriction was me holding myself back from it... except it just turned me on more.

I would also do the opposite of constriction. I would force my legs apart even if I wanted them bound together. I would spread my legs as wide as I could and keep them there until I came. Another technique I still use on occasion. 

Wanting to be tied up is just a natural evolution of these fantasies. Hand tying is something that I haven't been able to explore and it's harder too. For one, I can't do it on my own. Secondly if I want to get off I need at least one hand free.
I've only had my hands tied up once and it didn't really count. I could have gotten out of it too easily. I was tied to a post on my bed. I think if I were to ask to be tied up I'd simply ask for my hands to be tied behind my back, I'd even try my arms being tied above my elbows. But to go along with that I'd love my legs to be tied at the ankles and just above the knees.

Then bent over the back of a couch kneeling and getting fucked from behind or laying on my back, legs pushed up over my head.... either way works for me.

It took me forever to find a decent photograph of the type of tying I'd like to try. This is the best image I could find and it still doesn't reflect exactly what I'd like. The arms should be tied just above the elbows, tightly together, just the arms, it forces the shoulders back and chest out. It looks good and I imagine it's rather uncomfortable.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Slow Teasingly Tortured Sex.

If there's a type of sex that I really, really like it's the slow tortured sex. Sure there are times when all I want is that hardcore primal fucking, but if I had to choose... if I were forced to choose a type it'd probably be slow and utterly teasing.

Cock slipping up against the entrance, rubbing my clit, taking the juices and spreading them around. Maybe even a little slapping your cock against my wet clit and then just barely easing in. The huge tip of your cock spreading me open, sliding in to the end of the head and then pulling out once again, and repeat.

Repeat but ease in slower next time, make me beg for it, make me groan and whine for your length. I couldn't want anything more than to feel the full length of your cock inside me but don't give it to me.

Maybe you move from my pussy to my mouth, make me taste us together on the tip of your head. I could suck you all day but you deprive me of even that because you go back down to ease yourself inside me again, this time a little deeper. Say, half way? You want to force your way all the way in, I know you do, but resist. I'll even beg you to give it to me deeper, I'm sure, but don't. I want to be teased as long as you can stand it, as long as either of us can.

This teasing could bring me over the edge.
Those orgasms are different. They are intense but slow, the waves are slow and my body relaxes to enjoy every second of it.
If I don't cum like that (or even if I do) then I give you permission to thrust, so hard and so deep I can practically taste you. You withdraw and take your aim. Toy with the entrance, in and out in the slightest movements and then hard, pounded back in. It feels so fucking good, the length of you, the anticipation of that length was torture, but having it is ecstasy.

Once in, once there, grind to reach my depths, every inch of me wants you. Every dark corner wants to feel your hard cock. I'll cum for you, no question. These orgasms are like fire, they race through shockingly hot and hard. The waves make me lose control, I grip, bite and frantically whimper to keep myself from screaming.

If we both survive, you can cum, you can cum where you want. On my face? on my pussy, or my tits, or maybe in my mouth. Would you fuck my mouth while I'm recovering? Would you thrust in till I could barely breath, use the energy you didn't use on my pussy, on my mouth. Just grab my head and pound me till you cum? I could do with a real primal pounding at this point.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Old is the New New

I wanted to write a quick post about my blog circle. It has always waxed and waned over the years but the heart of it has been missing for quite a time. I had a fairly small group of people I followed when I first signed on and over time some of them disappeared.

A few people have recently made a come back so I'd like to link to them especially and renew my vows with some oldies but goodies.

So the ones that I'm really happy to announce are BACK from the netherworld of blogger are (in no particular order):

Ethan Lambert from Confessions of a Bastard. One of my favourite blogs out there let's hope he stays this time. Great writing, great stories, sure he's a bastard, but he's a yummy bastard.

Leonhart at his new blog the Org Log. Good friend and interesting concept this time round. He's tracking his orgasms at various intervals. His wife is looking to get pregnant but he's a sucker for tortured abstinence. I was pleased to see he's even got some hot video up.

Rachel at Naughty Rachel hasn't really gone anywhere but she did slow down for a while. She's like a sister to me we have a lot in common. She's back in full swing on her blog too, always happy to read her new posts. She has fallen on hard times with dating guys recently, though a lot of her stories are just sooo mouthwatering.

Johanna at Disentagling Johanna. She was on blogger but moved for a few reasons over to Wordpress. She's going through trials and tribulations right now, show her some support. Her story is so similar to mine that sometimes I think she's a version of me in a parallel universe. Only problem is that in her universe the online relationship always has a glitch.

The Renewbies:

Advizor is still giving great advice at great prices over at Free Advize is Worth What you Pay for it He is an old favourite who has always been around. His Flash Fiction Friday stuff is always sexy. His posts can turn you on or make you think. You won't get away without doing one or the other.

N.Likes is newer on my blogroll, but I've been reading him for a while now. You can find him at My Dissolute Life.
He's got posts of all sorts, audio clips of women who cum for him, some of his stuff is controversial, some of it is hot, some is family oriented. It's always an interesting read and more than half the time you get wet.

I don't have a lot of time to spend reading my blogroll so I keep my list quite short, you can imagine how short it got when three or four people almost disappeared. I'm so glad they stayed with it and are back to entertain us.

**PS sorry if this post showed up in your feeds twice it got posted by mistake completely void of text... oops.**

Monday, November 24, 2014

Stat Fetish - my most popular posts.

I have a bit of a statistic fetish. I was looking through my old posts trying to label them (because I've been really bad at labeling them) and noticed that I have some posts with an incredible number of visits.

I found that Blogger has a pretty good statistic section and while fumbling around I managed to get my most popular posts. Here are the top three:

The post "What does "I've been thinking about you" really mean?" has the highest number of page views at a whopping 14229 hits.

"A woman's Wet dream" post comes in second with 4671 hits.

IFMD has 3968 views (not exactly my best post... seriously no pun intended).

I'm pretty impressed. On average I'd say my posts get a total of somewhere between 80 and 150 views if there are no pictures... HNT pictures always got higher view counts, somewhere around 250ish. But seeing 5 digit page views just blows me away. I knew these were popular posts, I knew the number one post was getting a lot of visibility on google but whoda'thunk??

"Close Your Eyes"

When I close my eyes, in the heat of my moments I remember instants, images and intense sensations of him. Most of them involve his cock in my mouth. Maybe because that's what turns me on right now and I crave it intensely some days.

He straddled my chest, arms close to my body, pinned next to me, while his cock slid in and out of my mouth. His hand gripped my neck, tightly, but just right. Barely able to breath, but getting breaths in as he pulled out, gasping like when coming up out of water, hungry for air hungry for more of his cock. Not sure which I want more.

On another occasion we moved to the floor, between the tv and the armchair. I was kneeling, he asked me if I wanted a pillow to kneel on but I refused it, regretting it later and grabbing one off the armchair. It was just a booster really, he's tall. He fucked my mouth while standing. Holding my hair in a ponytail pulling me back and forth onto himself.

He held my face in place with one hand while he worked his cock with the other, and he quietly said "close your eyes".
He came on my face on two separate occasions this visit, I asked him to. On other visits I hadn't closed my eyes and I could watch him and know what to expect. Closing my eyes was a different sensation completely. The unknown, the surprise, and everything is heightened. Sounds, smells and the temperature of his cum was amplified.

He came on my freshly shaved pussy once too.... that was one of my personal favourites. It was on the bed, missionary I guess, or maybe some contortion of it. I didn't stop circling my clit for one second while his cum shot all over my hand and pussy, making it slick and wet as it dripped down between my legs.

There were times we played around. I would bite his cock hard to see how much he could handle, often he wanted it harder than I was prepared to give him. A bit like when he gripped my neck and a tendon moved unexpectedly under his thumb and it wigged him out. It's fun pushing the limits, seeing how far the other will go. You learn a lot about character and hidden desires.
I'm still not sure we're anywhere near learning what there is to know about each other's sexual preferences or kinks, but we're closer.

I still remember the first time we met up, how I knew we could go further, how we could get closer to understanding. To be honest on the one hand it seems like we've come miles but on the other it seems like it's only a drop in the sea. 

Friday, November 14, 2014

Pearl Necklace

When we got into the room, we dropped our bags and he dived onto the bed. He always makes it there before me.
 Once I'd taken my jacket and shoes off I jumped on next to him and we grabbed each other smiling and laughing. We horsed around. We teased each other. He tickled me to the point I was begging him to stop. He bit, kissed and sucked my neck and my lips. We rolled around and even play wrestled. We would just stare at each other grinning too.

We were both ready to fuck but we tried not to just tear at each other... we kept it at bay with play I guess. He started by trying to get my jeans off, but I joked saying I wouldn't let him. It was a bit of a challenge as they were tight and I was rolling around trying to make it difficult for him. When he got mine off I helped him with his. I'm not sure how it came up but this time he just said something like "I want it inside you".

This was a first. We usually start slower, blowjob generally then after a while we have sex. This time though we were both very hungry for each other. We needed that raw fucking right away.

We went through so many positions, constant changing, finding the best ones for both of us. I barely remember them there were so many.

There's one simple trick that I love with him. It's one that I remember he used on me the first time we met and it surprised me. While I'm on top, riding cowgirl facing him he puts his hands on my lower abdomen and presses just a little. His cock is such a length and so strong that I can feel it on my abdomen if he presses.
The first time we fucked he held me still and just flexed it while holding my abdomen I could feel it pressing up against my abdomen from inside me.

I'm not sure how many times I came that first hour. I think it was three.  I think there was even a time that he was just fingering me and I came.

My biggest problem around sex is that I'm so caught up in it all that I barely remember anything once it's over. It's unfortunate for me because I want it to be burned into my memories. Things come back, things flash through my mind at inappropriate moments but I can't remember sequence of events or too many details.

I'm pretty sure this was the time he came all over my chest. He came covering my tits and my neck. This picture does not depict anything anywhere close to how covered I was. I was drenched. It was also the time he spanked me and left that welt I described in my post "Print me Red".

I love the new term I learned for this. A pearl necklace. It suits the purpose so well. I saw a porn video recently, that probably wasn't really aiming for perfection, but it really looked like the woman had a beautiful pearl necklace on, dripping down her collar bones. 
*not me... I still have tan lines ;)*

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Throwing Pots

"We're lovers!" He blurted out to the girl who was teaching us how to throw pots. Her back was turned to us so I couldn't see her expression but I'm pretty sure her eyes popped out of her head for a brief second while she managed to smile and say "good for you".
She wasn't shocked by the news, I think she was just surprised (as I was) that he would just come out with it the way he did. The topic died there, though it wasn't quite out of the blue, it was related to something she had been saying about how to get our pots to us, who to send them to and how to get in touch with us.

I think it was a good thing he mentioned it for a few reasons. It made her more aware so that she doesn't go posting pics of me n' him on fb and tagging me in them. And I believe it was good for him to be able to say it out loud. He doesn't talk to anyone about our relationship and I think there's a point where people just need to hear things out loud.

Yes, we did a pot throwing course. It was one of the non sexual highlights of the visit with Rob. It was a lot of fun and a surprise. We hadn't planned on it, we originally planned to go to the theatre to see a show, but instead we happened to walk into a ceramics studio and the teacher seemed really nice, it was a reasonable price and it was short, just 2 hours.

She kept comparing our pots, saying they were really similar. She said that usually couples that go in make very contrasting shapes, if one is open the other is very closed. Our first vessel was very similar, the second not so much. Mine collapsed, his stayed intact. I was really impressed by his skills, we all were. No-one believed that he'd never thrown pots before. It came naturally to him.

We're both super excited about our vessels. I can't wait to see mine. We're expecting emails soon for when she can send them to us. She has to fire them and glaze them and fire them again so it is bound to take a little while.

Sunday, November 9, 2014


On my return from the U.K. and seeing Rob, I have spent some time with the bf. I've noticed that my interaction with the bf is all wrong. Our interaction is all wrong. It seems that we have completely forgotten how to love each other. 

Maybe it's normal after a 17 year relationship. Maybe the romantic gestures die out and what's left is awkward or ritual interaction. 

In bed this morning the bf and I were probably both looking for sex but rather than holding and kissing and hugging, rolling around and playing there was uncomfortable poking fingers 'playfully' in my face, there was leg entwining and pushing, almost forceful and painful. There was a tablet being pushed against my nose. There was absolutely nothing sweet about it. 
No caressing or snuggling no nestling or spooning... Just annoying, and sure, 'playful' interaction. And I chastised him for annoying me, so he left. 

It's been like this for years too. It's like we are brother and sister taunting each other instead of being sweet. 

With Rob it was easy and natural. How can I bring that back into our relationship? 

I am also to blame for this situation, it's not a one way street. I think that I often put the bf off of that kind of interaction because I felt like it always had to lead to sex. I didn't want to feel forced into it and that's how I felt. Every time he came close to me I felt this moral obligation to follow through. I don't know if it was imagined or real... I think at some point I felt it became real.  I know it didn't start like that. 

I didn't feel that with Rob. I didn't ever feel that obligation. No matter what type of interaction it was. 

Maybe we need to talk about it. Maybe I should bring it up, the question is whether I have the guts. 

Friday, November 7, 2014

Print me Red

He read my post, you know, the one about hair pulling. As soon as we were in that room he was gently gathering up my hair into a pony tail and pulling and pushing me into positions. He grabbed me by my hair and pulled me towards himself and whispered straight into my ear with a sly grin "yeah I read your post". He fucked me hard, from behind, while I was on my knees, hair in hand and I begged him to spank me too. "I'm not sure I can manage that" he said incredulously. "Sure you can." I answered while taking his hand in mine and showing him my ass.  There was a very brief pause in the sex, he was preparing. I couldn't see what he was doing, my head was arched back against my neck and I felt his hand make contact with my ass cheek. I buckled forward without quite knowing why. It burned like I'd been stung by a swarm of bees but we didn't stop. It was an instant of pain and then the pleasure of him fucking me again.

We finished. I think this was the time he gave me a pearl necklace (a term I learned from him) but there were too many times to remember which one was which.

When I got up I checked my ass in the mirror and the whole right cheek was red. Very red. We both marveled at how red it was and he quietly said that he'd hit me too hard, he was worried you see.
After my shower I came back into the room and I showed him my ass again. Over a half hour later it was still red, this time with his whole hand visible in red.

An hour later, the hand print was raised like a whip mark. I could feel the bump of every finger when I ran my hand over my ass. I was proud, I loved it, it was like a battle scar, one that I wouldn't give up if I'd had any choice. It lasted quite a few hours at least, possibly half the day. By the time late afternoon rolled round we headed down to the pool and the mark was gone. I admit I was a little disappointed it was gone. I was hoping it would leave a longer lasting mark, a bruise, a nice hand shaped bruise maybe.

I was reading N.Likes' last post and ended up writing this comment. I guess I drew from experience but it just makes sense.
I’m not entirely sure a woman who wants rough sex wants angry rough sex. You being angry isn’t the means to the goal. I think it’s lust. I want the spanking, the slapping around, the gagging, the hair pulling, the throat grasping… but I don’t want it in anger, I want it in lust. You should be so hard for me you push and pull me into positions without my permission, you take me and fuck me however you want. I want to be wanted so bad I’m used almost thoughtlessly, but after I should not be discarded, that would hurt more than the bruises and the red marks on my skin.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Error, Error, Overload...

Time's up. I leave tomorrow. It's been a crazy hair-raising week and yesterday I was incredibly stressed without even leaving the house.

I have a million things going on including:
-organizing the trip for my boss and two friends... tickets, materials, conference Powerpoint, speech, workshop....
-Organizing the evening courses I teach, ALL OF THEM because I'm the only one who seems to take it upon herself to do it. Ordering books, deciding where to put students, coordinating the coordinator...
-Testing new students
-Training a new teacher who is subbing me, but also getting her first teaching experience.
-Organizing all of my lessons and hers  for when I am away.
-Worrying about what to bring, the weather is crazy all over the place.
-Spending time with the bf because he's being a doll.

Here's what else is going on.
-I'm meeting with Rob and I'm constantly thinking about that. It's hard to concentrate on the rest.
-Some stuff has come up with Co-Worker even but I'm not going to get into it now.

-NLikes @ My Dissolute Life had an interesting reaction to my Prostitution posts on his Blog with the collaboration of Hy @ A Dissolute Life Means. I'm flattered they chose my blog for the Dissolutes segment they do. I'd like to answer in detail all the questions and comments especially from NLikes but I don't have time to do that before I leave. So I'm going to simply address the most important issues here now, hoping life wont be insane when I get back so I might discuss them further.

Suffice it to say for now, that I agree with Hy. I think N seems to miss the sentiment of the post a little. It was a personal entry (as all my posts) and mostly me complaining about the attitude of men here as well as questions to my male blogger friends about why. As many of my readers already know I am an expat in this adopted country of mine which often leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth when it comes to the locals and their behavior sometimes.

Not all men are jerks, but if 90% of the guys you know act like one you're gonna think they all are. And I'm not saying my friends are jerks, they're not. Just culturally, they behave like 15 year old boys when it comes to prostitutes and talking about sex. Most of the men I come in contact with have this behaviour, and sure there are exceptions. Sometimes I wonder if it's me. I wonder if my openness about these subjects spurns them to speak in a certain way. The bf hates it, I don't blame him, but at the same time, for the most part, I don't care... until it comes to prostitution.

As for my fears around having sex with someone who has been with a prostitute I'm sticking to my guns. I think in an email with N I mentioned this analogy so I'll repeat it here: If you get handed a candy without a wrapper, say a Jolly Rancher, some candy you love most people would probably wonder: "where does the candy come from?" "Is it from my loved one's hands or did other people touch it first?" "Did the dog lick it first?" "Did someone find it in a pile of poo?"

If you simply don't know, or suspect it was passed around a crowded room first coughed on and dropped, you probably won't eat it. If you watched it come out of the wrapper and it was handed to you then you probably would.

I feel the same way about having sex with a guy who has been sleeping with a person who has had numerous partners, whether it be a prostitute or some random chick in a bar. Fact is prostitutes, I fear, have a higher probability of carrying STDs. I'm not saying HIV or Aids or anything that serious, but other nasty things like warts, herpes, chlamydia or whatever other horrible things go around.

I'm not saying all prostitutes carry STDs, and I'm sure many (especially in North America) get regular check ups and take a million precautions otherwise it would be bad for business. But honestly, here, especially in the poorer parts of Eastern Europe I HIGHLY doubt the women get any checks done unless they are higher end call girls. I'm also willing to bet the ones standing on the streets here (and there are many) couldn't care less about getting checked.

N brings up a number of issues on the sex trade in general. I'm certainly no expert but I think it's pretty safe to say that Eastern Europe is rather different than North America when it comes to organized crime, prostitution rings, import and export of sex workers and the quality of product men are receiving.

That's all I can say for now without going into a lot of crazy detail. I just don't have the time. But I will keep an eye on the blogs he's mentioned, as I suggest others do too. They all look excellent.


One last thing I'd like to put out there before I go is an article I read recently about partners. I found it super interesting and thought provoking. It's something I've been trying to put my finger on for years and I think she nailed it. 


Thursday, October 16, 2014

Hair Pulling Tips

yes yes yes yes

 I am a fan of hair pulling or at least I think I am. Problem is I haven't had a single guy who was able to pull hair properly. The bf knows I like it and he has tried but he doesn't seem to grasp the basics of hair pulling. Rob hasn't really tried yet... though I'll likely ask him to.

It may seem like details to you but doing it right can be a real turn on while doing it wrong can be painful or just not sexy. Here are some tips that I think would work... Mind you I imagine this has something to do with preferences and taste; how much pain you want to feel.

When pulling hair:
-it's important to grasp all of it, or almost all of it. Bangs (or fringe as the brits say) can be left out but as much as possible of the rest should be grasped.

-Try not to weave your fingers into my hair too much... a little is unavoidable, but fingers get easily tangled in hair and it can also be painful.

Not like this

-It's best to grip a large quantity from the roots, not from the ends and not just a handful on top of my head like a serial killer about to cut my throat.

NO.... see his hand gripping just a little on the top?!? that just plain hurts and you're also pulling my hair out, don't want hair being pulled out during hot sex.

-It's easiest if you think about it in terms of a ponytail. Lets imagine my hair in a high pony tail, where do you grip it? Yank from the base where the elastic would be. And yes you should be trying to create a pony tail with your hands if my hair isn't up already.

-If my hair his long enough you can actually wrap my hair around your hand and make a fist.

Fuck yes
- Like in the picture above, you can get some distance from the head if my hair is already tied up. Hair is often cut in layers and some of those layers get away if you try to grip too far from the head.

Yes please
-Use hair pulling to get me into positions.
-Use it to pull me away from you to keep me from doing what I really want to do: suck your cock. The best tease.
-Use it to make me look at you while you fuck me or my mouth
-Use it to dominate me into kissing you
-Use it to steady me as you fuck me from behind.
-Use it to make me arch my back unnaturally
-Just USE IT.... get your hand around my hair and pull hard as you fuck me, pull my hair with every thrust to get more momentum. 

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Post 701 and my trip!

I'm currently at 701 posts. That is including drafts mind you. There are 52 drafts that have never been published and most likely never will. To celebrate, what better than a post about my trip to see Rob? The whole reason this blog exists.

My trip is drawing closer, I leave on the 23rd. The closer I get the more excited I get. The feeling in my stomach gets more intense every time I think about things.

I bought my train ticket to meet Rob yesterday. It was actually the second time I've bought it, the first time I kept him on iMessage an hour figuring out the best times, places etc. Since some plans had to change I had to get another ticket. This time I just did it. I knew all the details, I told him that I was doing it, I texted him. But once it was done, I just told him the arrival time and he simply answered "I'll be waiting".

The simplicity of that phrase is just lovely. I'm always making a mountain out of a molehill but I adored that phrase. It meant a lot to me. I'm not even sure why. I guess the reality of it all kind of hit me when he sent it. And it was so simple and final that I barely knew what to answer.

Butterflies were definitely having a party in my tummy that day. It's not so much nerves as excitement I guess. I don't get nervous until a day or two before meeting. This time I'll be busy with colleagues and work right up until the last minute. Hopefully I won't be a wreck for work. I'll just have to keep my mind on what I'm doing.

Friday, October 10, 2014


JFB brings up a good point around prostitution. I've always been pro legalizing and controlling prostitution so that there is more safety and less pimping and importing going on.

What I don't get though is why men feel the need to resort to it. Don't get me wrong, I get it on some level but on another I just don't. It's like men have absolutely no control over their sexual urges. But they do. I've seen it. 

Why is it that women rarely go for paid sex? Are men totally incapable of dealing with their urges in any other way? That's what I don't get. And I don't think that between men and women our desire is any less intense either. There's also the health issues involved, I'd rather know my partner was in a binogomous relationship between me and another someone than going to prostitutes and risking my and his health.... mind you I do realise there's no guarantee no matter what.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Sex tourism and friends.

Today while talking with a friend I felt really saddened and a little put off by men in general. It's weird because I hear a lot of stuff through the blogs here. I've probably heard it all but today hearing this stuff from a good friend of mine put a fairly different spin on things for me.

I've talked about him before he's the guy I've always sort of confided in over lunch. He heard me whine through the period of the apartment search.

Today he told me all about his trip to Budapest. He went with 6 friends, all men and as it turns out... I had no idea... Budapest is a rather popular destination for sex tourism. He started out by telling me that he had to tell all his friends that he was going to Munich because when he told people Budapest they would all do a "nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more" scene.

He said he'd go back in a heartbeat, that he loved it, beautiful city. And then went to say how all his friends wanted to get off... find some prostitutes and have a go. So one of them bought a porn mag in a newspaper stand where there were supposed to be phone numbers and they called one. My friend, the only one who spoke a few words of English called the number and made an appointment at what turned out to be a massage parlor where they were supposed to offer happy endings.

He told this story laughing. I watched in amazement as he told me this story. I couldn't quite believe he was telling me this. I won't tell anyone else. I'm not that dumb. It would get around fast and right back to his wife with any bad luck.

Anyhow the lot of them went to the massage parlor and they imagined more than just happy ending massages. The front desk explained, hands only, no mouth, no sex... just hands and only massage.

They were all disappointed (no happy ending) except one who came out smiling and they paid a lot of money.

This friend of mine ironically has his own business. He owns a day spa, you can get massages, manicures, pedicures etc. and he says it would cost less to get one at his place, no happy ending of course.

The whole story had me disappointed in men. I found it rather nasty and off putting to be honest. These guys had even looked into paying professionals for sex, but when they got wind of prices he said they were much too high, somewhere around 300 euros. 300 euros doesn't sound like a lot to me.
I told him as much and he said "are you kidding? Here, just down from where I live they're practically giving it away." And that put me off even more. As he told me this, he was very clear that he didn't inquire himself, he put it "the prices I hear going around...".

The price thing especially bothers me because I know that 90% of the girls here are imported on false pretense and they have a whole organization who takes most of the money they earn.

But over and above that whole sad reality, the fact that a group of 6 men, one of which is a friend of mine, went specifically to another country to take part in sex tourism just makes me shudder. I knew it happened, I knew, but I didn't think it was that common. It makes me think that other friends, including the bf do it. I have one friend, who travels often, even with the bf, and always chooses countries (Poland, Holland: Amsterdam, Romania etc...) that are famous for their sex tourism claiming they are cheaper to visit (true) and less tourists go there (also true).

Fact is, if I had to choose between the bf falling in love with another woman and cheating on me that way, or him going and having sex with a prostitute, I'd likely be more upset about the prostitute. Especially if I put it onto equal ground saying unprotected sex in both cases (bf refuses to wear condoms).

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Another piece of the puzzle.

Last night after a lengthy discussion and argument with the bf I finally figured out one more piece to why we just don't get each other.

The bf has always been angry at me because I often get annoyed when he asks me to help him with his English. He occasionally used to ask me to give him a lesson. *This story actually has a lot of background and has been an issue between us for YEARS and there's more to it than just this but this is what seems to be an important piece of the puzzle* When we were living together, on my weekends or after work he would come up to me and ask me if I would teach him. Fact is that I've always tried to explain to him that it wasn't the right moment. It was never the right moment though. And he resented that a lot.

Last night we figured out why, I figured out why. I kept telling him that if he wanted to learn English with me that I'd be glad to do it but that he had to make it a constant date and time like other students so that I can work around it. He couldn't understand why I had to do that. He doesn't want to become one of my students. He wants it to be something I just do for fun with him yet at the same time he wants a real English lesson structured like a course.

He couldn't get his head around why it had to be by appointment, why I had to compartmentalise like this. He doesn't see how it's work for me.

Fact is that I compartmentalise EVERYTHING. If I'm in the mindset to draw or paint, then I can't switch over and teach or vice versa. If I know on any given day that I have lessons until 4:00 and then I'm free, you've got to bet your best dollar that I've already decided what I'll be doing after 4:00 on the creative front or even just relaxing in front of the computer. But once I've decided you can't make me do something different unless you want to see a really grumpy version of me.

And that's what he was doing. He was asking me, after a day of working or even on a free day when I had things in my mind planned out, to teach him English and I was constantly saying no.

The bf doesn't compartmentalise like that. He is good to do anything anytime, he mixes all his topics together and it doesn't matter if his plans get interrupted and he has to do something else. If I ask him to do something with me he never bats an eye he just gets up and says lets go.

I guess it's good to know. Maybe this will help the relationship out a bit better.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Oral Contraceptive Hell Story.

I have a bit of a delicate body, what I put into it immediately has effects on me, whether it be food or medicine or drugs. It's no different for aspirin or a piece of bread. I feel the effects of everything that goes into my body. Some of them are good, but a good chunk of them are bad. Especially medicine.

It is only recently that I've been able to understand that all the effects I've been feeling are linked to what I put into my body and therefore I'm much more careful with what I eat and what medications I take. And I connect the dots now. I can link the effects back to culprit.

Once upon a time though I didn't know all of this, I was too young. My first clue should have been when I went on the pill at the age of 15.

I had met my first boyfriend and I told my mother quite honestly that I wanted to stay the night at his house. She agreed under the condition that I go on the pill. We went to the clinic together and I got my first pack. They warned me that the side effects might do this and that. I started the pack the next opportunity and the side effects were devastating. I threw up numerous times the night I took the pill.

I read the instructions and it mentioned that the side-effects would wear off in a week or three, I kept with it, throwing up every day for over a week. I went back to the clinic and the Gyn said that the effects could take up to three months to wear off and to keep at it. She gave me B12 vitamins and Gravol to counteract the nausea,.... Gravol every single evening. No REM sleep just blackness (Gravol for those who don't know is an anti nausea medication that basically puts you to sleep but it's medicated sleep).

It didn't stop. I woke up groggy, had to run for the bus in the morning and often had to get off the bus to throw up. Consequences: late for school, looking gaunt (I've always been very thin), looking plain ill after a while, throwing up at school, people thinking I'm anorexic (that's not new)... teachers acting concerned... the list goes on.

I went back after three months and they gave me a new brand, different estrogen, another three months.

I threw up every morning for over a year. Each three months they gave me a new brand to try.

I've tried, off and on, to find a new brand, something that doesn't make me sick but everything has failed. I even tried a patch, it made me sick.... a fucking patch.

I was contemplating an IUD at one point too, but when I found out they release hormones I got terrified. What if I get one in and it's got the wrong hormone? Can't even think about it.

One day though, when I was back home to North A. for a visit I thought I'd try at a clinic, just one more time. I told the woman my story and she thought about it and said, "give this one a try, take one, only one, if it bothers you don't take any more."

I tried it and it worked. It was Norethisterone, a mini-pill with only a synthetic estrogen. I was ecstatic. I came back to the bf and told him. I'd brought three months worth back with me and I begged him to cum inside me. He wouldn't. He refused. He was paranoid.

When my supply ran out I went to my Gyn here and asked her to refill my prescription she told me that this particular pill wasn't available here. She said it was available only for menopause hormone treatment in much higher doses.

Once every couple of years I go to the pharmacy and ask if it has come out as a mini-pill, but it hasn't to date (I got it back home about 14 years ago).

Moral of the story... or at least conclusion is that Bf hasn't ever cum inside me... except my mouth. I haven't had a man cum inside me since I was a teenager with a jerk of a boyfriend who went on to marry my best friend and mentally and physically abuse her.

That is not what I want to remember as the last person to cum inside me.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014


is so great.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Co-W is even hotter.

Back at work last week I was looking forward to seeing Co-W but alas he was down with a nasty flu. Today, Monday I knew he'd be in though. Fact is I wasn't expecting to see what I saw.

He shaved.
After knowing him for what must be around 12 years with a beard he shaved it. He always had this scraggly blond thing, I've never seen him without it and I'm not a beard kinda girl, especially scraggly ones. I had no idea what he really looked like under it either.

Today... today ladies and gents, I finally saw and man oh man was it ever good. I had a hard time keeping a smile off my face today. Holy cow. He had his hair looking good too, a little wavy, a little suave... clean shaven.... and I could actually see his expressions, his mouth and his smile and the irony that I often miss.

The new girl who works with us was also smiling uncontrollably today, possibly for the same reason. He was looking damn hot.

Sometimes I wonder if good looking guys grow beards to tone down the attraction and attention they get. I kinda get that, if it were the case. I know a lot of really hot guys who grow beards and they end up looking average after. It makes sense. But I don't know that it's the case. It's like a really good looking girl dressing down all the time, because if she dresses up she gets way too much attention.

Anyhow.... needless to say I wanted to jump him even more. I hope it lasts. I might even ask him not to grow it back... though I'm sure he won't listen to me.

Friday, September 19, 2014


If it's connections we need in order to feel good and technology makes us feel connected we are going to continue to isolate ourselves more and more by getting closer to technology. Technology provides what we could consider a false sense of connection. However, I do believe there is a lot of room for discussion on whether or not we actually are "connected" in the correct (human) sense of the term.

Today's technology (social networks especially) makes us feel loved. We connect in a 90% positive way. There is very little negativity in the technology we consume and we can adapt our technology to meet our needs. We can create a self contained environment of self satisfaction that is as close as we're going to get to sex without actually having any. It's like chocolate without the calories and drugs without the cold sweats and the shakes. We decide who should be present and who less so. We can artificially control the levels of happiness, love, laughs, warmth, news and gossip we receive.

It's a very dangerous cocktail of false happiness that we are consuming. Real life feels less good: we have less control over it, less say in what happens and therefore we are less pleased with the results.

When we don't get the attention we need from our social networks then we turn to another source. When one of our online friends isn't present we turn to the next. We have backup plans for when one source is gone.

There are two sides to the coin, as usual. The connections are really there. They exist, they are real people that have real reactions and lives. They mean something to us and us to them. Moments and feelings are exchanged.

The risk is that we lose touch with what life is supposed to feel like; that life has it's downs, and it's only from the downs that you can figure out what is good. If everything is 'good', and adrenaline is the 'really good', then the 'good' is going to start feeling like 'bad' and the adrenaline won't be enough.

*My views on this are pretty mixed, I wrote this because it's a point of view that I can see. It feels like a premonition rather than a reality. It is a piece of semi-fictional writing, it is not my exact view of things right now but I can easily see it going there.... I guess what I'm trying to say is that many things are very true for me but it's not quite this dire... or maybe it is and I'm just a tech addict with a moment of clarity.*

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Trust (or my lack thereof)

While spending time with my dad I came to realise a few things.
First of all I've mentioned I live away from my native country, so does my dad, so does my sister. Basically I have no-one left back at home except from some cousins and friends I would call family.
I don't see my dad very often, the last time I saw him was about 3 years ago, and we've gone 7 years without seeing each other except on skype.
During our recent time together he did things that were mildly annoying. Things that if the bf had done them I'd have had a hissy-fit. And they seemingly didn't bother me at all. I laughed about them.

Now I ask whether my non reaction was due to the fact that:
A) He's my father and I rarely see him?
B) Money is always the issue with bf and with my dad it was not an issue?
C) or perhaps, as I may suspect, that I have issues with trusting men and he seems to be the only one I really trust.
D) All of the above (most likely answer)

It's something that's been tickling the back of my mind since I got home. The bf constantly says it, he says that I never take what he says with any value and even I have noticed my aversion to his advice and his suggestions, whereas he says that if my dad tells me, it's like gold to me. It's precious and I'll be damned if someone says it's not true.

Is everyone like that with their parents? 

I had a bad experience with both an ex boyfriend cheating on me and the bf who was hiding a sim card with a bunch of telephone numbers on it of women, text messages and such. It was a very long time ago, but I never trusted the bf after that.

Does the fact that my mother cheated on my father make me project my fears onto my partner and have a lack of trust in the guys I see?

I imagine it's a combination of everything.

I wonder if this is what my main problem is in relationships. I wonder if I have any way of working on this. How do you get over a very general lack of trust in men??

Sunday, September 14, 2014


So I'm sitting in Charles de Gaule airport leaving Paris after having spent 5 days with my dad here. A recurrent thought has been going through my head since I got here on Monday though. 

Rob and I were toying with the idea of meeting here on this trip. We talked about it at one point earlier this year, he was going to park and catch a train and I was going to stay a few extra days. 

I've been before. It was last year, on my last trip to see Rob. This time all I could notice were the lovers though. Hundreds of them. They say Paris is the most romantic city, the city of love. The first time I came I didn't see it, this time though it was all I could see. I wanted Rob there with me. I wanted to sit on the banks of the river Seine and kiss him, have champagne and crèpes Suzette with a view of Notre Dame at night together and visit the Musée D'Orsay and stand in front of my favourite paintings with him. (I know romantic/syrupy sweet overload... Sorry... I'm not usually this obviously sugary.)

Some part of me even wanted him to meet my dad. Fact is my dad and the bf can't really communicate as the bf doesn't speak English. It's something that doesn't bother anyone (except perhaps the bf), me included but sometimes I feel like it would be nice for my dad to interact properly with my partner. 

**On a seperate, side note re. my last post**

The evening ended well. Drinks with the co-w and his friend, old lover and myself all at the same table. They told stories of school together and old lover flirted incessantly with me while co-w less so, though he did sit next to me, keeping old lover at a more comfortable distance thankfully. 

We said our goodbyes and I walked home but soon after got many text messages from old lover insisting I come with him to another quieter bar for more drinks, when I told him I wasn't feeling up to it and that I was heading to bed he continued with more texts that I didn't receive because I had bid him a second good night and turned the phone off. 

Once awake, the next morning, I read them and one was asking for a hug. I imagine he wanted it that night but I pretended he just wanted a virtual one and sent a text saying 'hugs' back. I deleted the messages and haven't heard since... He's back home now mind you. 

Saturday, August 30, 2014

So this is about to happen

I'm going to be at an art opening that I was invited to by my Ex-Lover who I met today for coffee (he now lives in N.America and is visiting). He HEAVILY hinted at wanting to get me in bed, asking if he could come back to mine or if I wanted to stop at his hotel. I politely declined. I have no feelings for the man whatsoever apart from friendship.

I got a text ten minutes ago from co-worker who knows Ex-Lover asking if I'd be going to the opening as he and his friend were going to be there.

it's at 9.... that's in 45 minutes.

**Ex-Lover story in brief for those who don't know... which is most, I'm sure.
When I first started working where I work he was my co-worker. We had a lot in common but I was living with the bf already at that point. He was single and we had a fling that lasted a short while. He eventually met an American girl and got swept off his feet to the States where he now lives with her and their two kids. I wasn't much into him after the first intense bit... he was pushy and I remember a couple unfortunate events. One in particular where I hadn't agreed to having sex and he went ahead with it anyhow. I did assert a couple nos and it wasn't fun. It was my only experience with a date rape situation... it wasn't as bad as you might think, I kinda gave up I guess. It felt rather horrible after, but I got over it very quickly. Despite that episode I still consider him a friend.

I'm curious to see how things will go this eve as I'm sure I'll be flirting with co-worker.



It's a 5 minute video on relationships. It makes me rethink what's going on with me. It makes me wonder if I've got too many 'pet peeves' on my list. I don't get what the fundamentals are. I get that chewing with your mouth open is superficial... as is the bf's annoying singing or leaving all the cupboards and drawers open all the time. I ignored those, even if sometimes it was hard to ignore...  especially the singing. But when in a group conversation, and the bf isn't making himself clear I ask him to clarify and he turns to me and says "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to Jo"...  a group conversation where other people are participating, contributing and asking questions, he singles me out and excludes me from the conversation. It's not the first time he's done it either. 
We shouldn't be keeping score cards.... a common phrase I hear about relationships, but should I ignore it? should I say something in front of his friends? should I mention it after? I get that I'm not supposed to hold a grudge, but if something makes me angry and I can't talk about it right away what do I do, just pretend it didn't happen? Maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe he was right to single me out. Maybe my saying that we didn't understand which objects he was talking about was totally out of line. Fact is it pissed me off. I found it totally disrespectful, but hey we're not supposed to keep score cards. Can't hold a grudge.

Nowadays when we're together we have nothing to talk about. There's uncomfortable silences. I don't own a tv (tv is a distraction, tv is a conversation topic). When he comes here he just sits. It's the same when we're in the car together, nothing. On holiday it's different we were doing things, talking about what to do, where to go, what to see. Most of what we say, of any importance is said over the phone now. In person, nothing is left. We have next to nothing in common.... so did I choose the wrong guy or am I just not trying hard enough to make the myth work?

Have I been brought up too deeply on the false belief in a soulmate? My ideals too unrealistic. My standards too impossibly high?

Maybe my mother contributed to this, always disagreeing with my choice in guys to date, always saying, "he's not intelligent enough" or "he'll never have a decent job".... maybe that got engrained and now I have to live with the idea that I need a super intelligent wholesome guy with a good job. 

This talk made me wonder about Rob too. I know that I idealise him. I know that I've fallen in love with a myth. But how disillusioned am I? How far am I off the marker? It all comes down to images and what mask we put forward. How we see ourselves and how others see us. 

I really, honestly wonder if being with someone else would make any difference. Maybe I've been in this too long and I can't see past the end of my nose.

This went a bit further than I was expecting, apologies for the (incoherent) rant... it's late, I needed to get some ideas out... without over editing myself. 

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Back to Work

First Monday back at work after summer holidays. I saw Co-Worker on Friday but we weren't working, at least I wasn't. I'm working on a project at work but not for work.

Today though was work, real work. And I really enjoy my job, a lot. I enjoy working with the clients, I enjoy working with my co-workers and it feels especially good after a three week break when everyone is relaxed and happy.

Today Co-Worker came up to me while I was talking to one of the clients and obviously wanted to tell me something, interrupt me. He put his arm around my waist, pulled me in to his side just a little and just stayed there. He was waiting for the client to stop talking, he didn't want to interrupt her, but she wouldn't stop talking, so he just stayed, arm wrapped around my waist. I'm small, his arm went round my back and his hand laid above my hip to my tummy, next to my belly button. My inner elbow just above his hand, brushing it lightly.

He wanted to say something, he leaned in over my shoulder and I turned to look at him from the corner of my eye more than once, but the woman wouldn't stop talking. Finally she turned her attention to talk to someone else and I turned back to him and he told me what he wanted, close range, whispered. Just something about coffee.

I had a bottle of water in my hand, I always have a bottle of water, and my hands couldn't keep still. I kept turning the cap, off and on, off and on, the whole time. It felt like 5 minutes that we stood there. It was probably somewhere closer to 2 or 3 minutes.

There was this almost imperceivable movement of his hand, a stroke of the thumb up a half inch and it stopped there. I was all too aware of every cell of his in contact with mine. Every movement became like a little electrical storm. It's like he wanted to hint at something and then stopped himself. And I don't mean anything sexual either. I just mean connection, I mean his wanting to signal a connection, warmth or simply his presence with me at that moment... something.

Maybe that was the case, maybe it wasn't. I consciously brushed my elbow on his hand but who knows whether that movement of his meant anything at all.

I could daydream about a scenario like this, all too easily. Where he eases his hands around my body from behind, wrapping them around my waist. I could easily end the daydream there. It's a lovely thought. Maybe his breath on my neck, his lips resting in the curve between my shoulder and my neck. Not a kiss, just his mouth resting, while his breath warms my collarbone. I could push it to a more sexual place too, where I guide his hands down and turn my neck back to kiss him. His arms pull me in tight and I feel his hard cock pressing against my ass.
But I don't feel like going there today, I guess I just need to feel warmth and intimacy today.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Working out.

We've started to countdown to the meeting in October.
It'll be almost a year and a half since we've seen each other. We're both working on ourselves more these days. He's going to the gym and has lost weight, not sure where he lost it from. I've been doing yoga now for just over a month and I feel stronger, more toned and just better in many ways. I want to get more flexible. I've always been fairly flexible, but I lost a lot so I want to get that back. I've been aiming to do the splits...(not that I ever could do them) we'll see if I get there in 2 more months.

Yoga is totally addictive. If I have the time I'll even do it 2 or three times a day. I have a new app. I know it's a bit yuppy, but it's a great app. It explains the breathing and everything. The sessions are relatively short so they're easy to space out in a day. Sometimes I'll do two consecutive sessions.

I've been doing it every day for the past week, but I started slow, two or three times a week, just one session at a time. The first session felt like a disaster. I'm now getting used to the workouts and the positions are getting easier. For now I'm working with the free version but I'm seriously contemplating buying the pro version. I guess if I use it, it's worth it, right?

Never mind, I just checked it's bloody expensive. It's on a subscription basis, $35 a year. Fuck that.. I'll get a cheaper one.

So yeah. After my self image post, I'd say this is a good comeback. I started yoga before that post but wasn't feeling the benefits yet.

I received some really great comments on that post btw. Thank you to everyone. There were some wonderful compliments and I'm never great at taking compliments, they make me blush and I get shy... It's an issue I need to try to resolve, probably related to self image lol. Anyhow it's interesting to see how each one of us sees the other and how we see ourselves. How much we'd like to be able to see ourselves from outside, both physically and character wise.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Self Image

I can go an entire day without looking at myself in the mirror. There are days when I just plain forget. Or I'll use the mirror simply to make sure my hair is not looking ratty and I don't bother looking at my face. Having said that I will other times spend time in front of the mirror analysing and studying myself. There are other situations in which I use images of myself to get off. They portray what I want to see, what turns me on, so why not. It's more common for me to use other stimuli mind you, but I have taken pictures of myself to get off. The pics used for this blog were often the source of great orgasms for example.

I've come to the conclusion though, that the need to see one's self in the mirror or on cam or in a photograph is often a sign of insecurity. Looking at myself, checking in the mirror is, for me, one way to remind myself what I look like. I don't have a clear mental image of myself to begin with. I am very curious or perhaps sometimes worried about how others see me so I tend to want to see it myself by taking pictures, video or using a mirror.

There are times when I see myself as someone may have described me, and many more times when I see something completely differently. How I perceive myself is directly linked to how I am feeling of course. What I see constantly changes in my eyes and in my mind. I have seen an ugly old hag and I have seen a beautiful young girl. It fluctuates. That's probably the worst part. The fact that my self image is not stable makes it difficult to understand what I physically look like. If I constantly saw myself as ugly or really pretty I wouldn't need constant validation of what I looked like.

I often wonder if others have the same experiences. I guess it's probably pretty normal. I'm just the over analyser.
That should be my new handle.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014


There is something about certain types of interaction I just adore. They make me feel so happy, so good, so alive.

They are internet interactions though and as much as we say the internet is making us less and less social, I feel like I'm drawn closer to some people.

I have made some very good friends through this blog. Interaction with them seriously fills me with joy at times. I got a lovely email from a blogger friend and just grinned at the pictures she sent. I grinned and felt a really lovely sensation of happiness. I felt really lucky to have such wonderful connections.

Maybe they're not as frequent as they could be, but sometimes that brings us back to the stone age with snail mail. It makes us appreciate what comes even more.

Another part of that feeling was due to the fact that I had been in touch with Rob. Interaction with him brings me out of a slumber sometimes. You go about life just buzzing around like a busy worker bee, things just sort of move along at their pace. You barely notice the days passing, there's always so much going on, and then you get that text or that email from that person and you come alive. You literally feel like you've been asleep. The numb droning seems to disappear and your brain is back on, your heart races and your tummy jumps. You laugh, grin, and hide the smile that creeps across your face at inappropriate moments. There's both a mental and physical reaction going on and it's amazing.

I feel damn lucky. I wouldn't trade this for the world. This is exactly where I am happy to be.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

The New Pink Bra

(Written last week)

There are days, like today, where I feel high as a kite. Too many compliments and attention for one day. It's shallow, but sometimes it's what I thrive for.

Yesterday I bought new bras. Yeah, three new bras and new panties to boot. They were on sale. I couldn't wait to wake up this morning and put one on. One of the bras is hot pink and it fits me damn well. It's hard for me to find decent bras here. They have weird sizes so the only place that sells normal US sizing is H&M and lucky for me I like their bras.

I woke up, put the hot pink one on and  put on a fuchsia tank top to match and waltzed out the door.

Work was normal, not much from Co-Worker, (though I did get a great and very unusual hug yesterday, I've never gotten a hug from him), just a normal morning at work.

On my bike, heading to lunch, Co-worker happened to pass me in his car, window rolled down, he yells out something that I didn't catch. I get to my lunch place and send him a text "what did you say?" His answer "Soooooo TIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHTTTT" lol I thanked him. Too funny, but just the type of thing I love to hear.

I text Rob, with a hi and he answers with a "hi Sexy" and our conversation continues onto sexy yumminess. Needless to say I could live off of him alone.

While eating lunch, I'm with the usual guy friend I have lunch with and I get a call from a friend, so I speak in English for the whole conversation. Once I'm off the phone I get a look from him, like he's melting or something and he says.... Gina, you just sound sooo sexy when you speak english. And goes on to mumble about some questions he wants to ask me but then backs off and doesn't ask me.

Yeah. It was a good day for compliments. Was it the bra? possibly... making me more assertive, making me feel better about myself, confidence is key right?

Colour is funky in this pic, or is it just my computer? oh and the spot, on my side, yeah that's the mirror, an antique.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Glasses and Feet (not together though)

I got my glasses fixed finally. Yesterday I came really close to putting my hair in a high pony tail, putting my glasses on and wearing red lipstick. I didn't... I mean I did, but then took the lipstick off.

I went to work put my glasses in my bag and proceeded to do my normal job. Then I had to sit down at the computer and write some emails, Co-worker came in and was being coy so I said "If you're not careful I'll put my glasses on." His response was more or less a "yes please" and then left. I grabbed my glasses and continued with my emails. He came back in, looked at me rambling on about my glasses and then got to the drawer where he had to get something and stopped in his tracks looked at me and said "you made me forget what I wanted to get". When I responded with a "sure, sure, whatever" he insisted that it was true.

He also said that he'd bring me the red lipstick. fact is I don't look great in red lipstick... or at least I haven't really had the opportunity to see myself look good in red lipstick. I'm not sure what it is but I just don't find that it suits me. Maybe I need a full makeover, hair and all to pull it off.


So bf came over last night, we went to a beach town for a walk. It was a nice evening. I had been planning on just watching some tv on the couch but he texted me telling me he was coming over.

We had sex last night too. It was a combination of things that worked out. Mostly because he didn't fall asleep before I got to bed. He tends to do that while I'm in the shower. Anyhow the sex was pretty good. I came hard. I hadn't had a sex orgasm in over a month. What got me off? it was odd, definitely a first time. I was on top, with one of his legs in between mine, I was slightly askew and my left leg was bent up so my foot was over his knee. He grabbed my foot and entwined his fingers in my toes and pulled my foot up to meet my ass. That made me cum. It was hot. I can't describe it well enough to render the image and I can't even picture it properly in my head, but that's what happened. I think the fact that I was slightly constrained, almost as if tied, was the turn on. I've always been turned on by being immobilized, since I was a kid even.

So yeah, that was my day yesterday.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

The Dinner

So one of the students where I work with Co-Worker decided she wanted to cook dinner for all the staff. She's Japanese. She needed a kitchen so I was the only one with a free kitchen since my boss has her grandchildren staying with her who needed to go to bed early, Co-Worker lives out of town and my other co-worker also lives out of town. Sooo My house it was.

As far as I knew though it was only going to be 4 of us. Me, the Japanese girl, Co-Worker and the Columbian girl I work with. I was hoping the Japanese girl and the Columbian girl would come together and leave together. So I'd be left cleaning up with Co-Worker, if anything to just have a chat with him. I miss our talks from Corfu.

Turns out Columbian girl's car broke down and had to be taken to the shop until Tuesday so Co-Worker had to pick both her and Japan girl up. Then the boss decided to tag along. I was unaware the boss was coming until the last minute.

The dinner was lovely though. Japan girl made amazing food, loved every bite. We had wine, which I should have avoided... I feel sick today. I really don't get along with wine, especially white wine. Buuut I got 15 minutes alone, maybe 10, with Co-Worker in my studio. We seriously geeked out about all my craft supplies.

It was a little piece of heaven... just those 10 minutes of us talking was wonderful. The interesting thing is that there are moments at work where I'd jump him. Where I feel this strong attraction to kiss him or grab him. That feeling wasn't there last night. It was simply two friends talking about art. There was no flirting at all. It was a slightly foreign sensation, but good.

At the dinner table we were talking about how we work, whether we were workaholics or not. I mentioned that sometimes I felt that weekends were a bit of a nightmare because if I don't have something to do I go nutty. He took both my hands in his and held them from across the table and thanked me. He found a person who understands how he feels. On that topic though we talked about ADD and ADHD and he said that he's learning to love the "build-up" of life. He said that most people rush to a goal and want to get that goal over with, instead he savors the path to the goal. I kept mumbling foreplay in English but no-one understood me. I mentioned it again to Columbia girl and again she didn't understand and finally I blurted it out in the local language and Columbia girl got it. Co-worker was too busy talking about his feelings and didn't hear our little side note. She giggled and said, "you're right, I guess that can be applied to all facets of life".

It sort of explains his behavior with me though, doesn't it? It was an interesting piece of information.

The evening ended with me cleaning up, and them heading out just after 11:30 and he drove the girls home. We texted a bit on Whatsapp as he drove home and once he was in bed. I joked when I mentioned that I wanted to keep him in my basement to talk about arts and crafts. He didn't respond... rather, it got lost among other messages. Who knows if he even understood it.

Oh... there was one other interesting comment that struck me. Japanese girl made dumplings and hand made the dough. The dough was rolled out onto sheets in little circles ready for filling and set on separate trays. It was Co-worker and I's job to separate all the little dough circles, they'd gotten stuck together in the heat. So as I was taking my tray off his, I said "let's separate" and his answer was "I'm not married I don't have to separate". Just an odd comment.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

musical stalking.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about a stalker I had as a pre-teen. He was this guy who was a bit older than me who would sit across the street from my place and just watch my window. To be honest I was flattered and liked the attention. I knew he wasn't dangerous or I'd have been more careful. He would whistle when he was around and I'd come to the window.

In my new place I have a concert violinist that lives across the street from me. There's a big building directly across from me and it's hard to tell which floor this violinist is on. I have always been around musicians and I don't know how, but I could tell this one was a guy, a younger guy. But I really couldn't figure out what floor he was on. I wanted to see him.

So the other day, I could hear him playing, I was waiting for the bf who had gone to grab something from the car, I was standing outside my apartment building, and I was staring up at the floors trying to understand where the gorgeous music was coming from. The music stops, as it often does, temporarily, and I hear a whistle. I look off down the street and the bf is coming. Bf often whistles to me, but this... wasn't his whistle. It was the violinist. I look up, shield my eyes from the glaring sun and see the torso and shoulders of a young man in a white t-shirt in a window on the 4th floor and then he moves away from the window.

It reminded me of my stalker, the whistle, the windows... the spying.... now I keep an eye on his window, but haven't caught him again yet.