Saturday, August 30, 2014

So this is about to happen

I'm going to be at an art opening that I was invited to by my Ex-Lover who I met today for coffee (he now lives in N.America and is visiting). He HEAVILY hinted at wanting to get me in bed, asking if he could come back to mine or if I wanted to stop at his hotel. I politely declined. I have no feelings for the man whatsoever apart from friendship.

I got a text ten minutes ago from co-worker who knows Ex-Lover asking if I'd be going to the opening as he and his friend were going to be there.

it's at 9.... that's in 45 minutes.

**Ex-Lover story in brief for those who don't know... which is most, I'm sure.
When I first started working where I work he was my co-worker. We had a lot in common but I was living with the bf already at that point. He was single and we had a fling that lasted a short while. He eventually met an American girl and got swept off his feet to the States where he now lives with her and their two kids. I wasn't much into him after the first intense bit... he was pushy and I remember a couple unfortunate events. One in particular where I hadn't agreed to having sex and he went ahead with it anyhow. I did assert a couple nos and it wasn't fun. It was my only experience with a date rape situation... it wasn't as bad as you might think, I kinda gave up I guess. It felt rather horrible after, but I got over it very quickly. Despite that episode I still consider him a friend.

I'm curious to see how things will go this eve as I'm sure I'll be flirting with co-worker.


It's a 5 minute video on relationships. It makes me rethink what's going on with me. It makes me wonder if I've got too many 'pet peeves' on my list. I don't get what the fundamentals are. I get that chewing with your mouth open is superficial... as is the bf's annoying singing or leaving all the cupboards and drawers open all the time. I ignored those, even if sometimes it was hard to ignore...  especially the singing. But when in a group conversation, and the bf isn't making himself clear I ask him to clarify and he turns to me and says "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to Jo"...  a group conversation where other people are participating, contributing and asking questions, he singles me out and excludes me from the conversation. It's not the first time he's done it either. 
We shouldn't be keeping score cards.... a common phrase I hear about relationships, but should I ignore it? should I say something in front of his friends? should I mention it after? I get that I'm not supposed to hold a grudge, but if something makes me angry and I can't talk about it right away what do I do, just pretend it didn't happen? Maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe he was right to single me out. Maybe my saying that we didn't understand which objects he was talking about was totally out of line. Fact is it pissed me off. I found it totally disrespectful, but hey we're not supposed to keep score cards. Can't hold a grudge.

Nowadays when we're together we have nothing to talk about. There's uncomfortable silences. I don't own a tv (tv is a distraction, tv is a conversation topic). When he comes here he just sits. It's the same when we're in the car together, nothing. On holiday it's different we were doing things, talking about what to do, where to go, what to see. Most of what we say, of any importance is said over the phone now. In person, nothing is left. We have next to nothing in common.... so did I choose the wrong guy or am I just not trying hard enough to make the myth work?

Have I been brought up too deeply on the false belief in a soulmate? My ideals too unrealistic. My standards too impossibly high?

Maybe my mother contributed to this, always disagreeing with my choice in guys to date, always saying, "he's not intelligent enough" or "he'll never have a decent job".... maybe that got engrained and now I have to live with the idea that I need a super intelligent wholesome guy with a good job. 

This talk made me wonder about Rob too. I know that I idealise him. I know that I've fallen in love with a myth. But how disillusioned am I? How far am I off the marker? It all comes down to images and what mask we put forward. How we see ourselves and how others see us. 

I really, honestly wonder if being with someone else would make any difference. Maybe I've been in this too long and I can't see past the end of my nose.

This went a bit further than I was expecting, apologies for the (incoherent) rant... it's late, I needed to get some ideas out... without over editing myself. 

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Back to Work

First Monday back at work after summer holidays. I saw Co-Worker on Friday but we weren't working, at least I wasn't. I'm working on a project at work but not for work.

Today though was work, real work. And I really enjoy my job, a lot. I enjoy working with the clients, I enjoy working with my co-workers and it feels especially good after a three week break when everyone is relaxed and happy.

Today Co-Worker came up to me while I was talking to one of the clients and obviously wanted to tell me something, interrupt me. He put his arm around my waist, pulled me in to his side just a little and just stayed there. He was waiting for the client to stop talking, he didn't want to interrupt her, but she wouldn't stop talking, so he just stayed, arm wrapped around my waist. I'm small, his arm went round my back and his hand laid above my hip to my tummy, next to my belly button. My inner elbow just above his hand, brushing it lightly.

He wanted to say something, he leaned in over my shoulder and I turned to look at him from the corner of my eye more than once, but the woman wouldn't stop talking. Finally she turned her attention to talk to someone else and I turned back to him and he told me what he wanted, close range, whispered. Just something about coffee.

I had a bottle of water in my hand, I always have a bottle of water, and my hands couldn't keep still. I kept turning the cap, off and on, off and on, the whole time. It felt like 5 minutes that we stood there. It was probably somewhere closer to 2 or 3 minutes.

There was this almost imperceivable movement of his hand, a stroke of the thumb up a half inch and it stopped there. I was all too aware of every cell of his in contact with mine. Every movement became like a little electrical storm. It's like he wanted to hint at something and then stopped himself. And I don't mean anything sexual either. I just mean connection, I mean his wanting to signal a connection, warmth or simply his presence with me at that moment... something.

Maybe that was the case, maybe it wasn't. I consciously brushed my elbow on his hand but who knows whether that movement of his meant anything at all.

I could daydream about a scenario like this, all too easily. Where he eases his hands around my body from behind, wrapping them around my waist. I could easily end the daydream there. It's a lovely thought. Maybe his breath on my neck, his lips resting in the curve between my shoulder and my neck. Not a kiss, just his mouth resting, while his breath warms my collarbone. I could push it to a more sexual place too, where I guide his hands down and turn my neck back to kiss him. His arms pull me in tight and I feel his hard cock pressing against my ass.
But I don't feel like going there today, I guess I just need to feel warmth and intimacy today.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Working out.

We've started to countdown to the meeting in October.
It'll be almost a year and a half since we've seen each other. We're both working on ourselves more these days. He's going to the gym and has lost weight, not sure where he lost it from. I've been doing yoga now for just over a month and I feel stronger, more toned and just better in many ways. I want to get more flexible. I've always been fairly flexible, but I lost a lot so I want to get that back. I've been aiming to do the splits...(not that I ever could do them) we'll see if I get there in 2 more months.

Yoga is totally addictive. If I have the time I'll even do it 2 or three times a day. I have a new app. I know it's a bit yuppy, but it's a great app. It explains the breathing and everything. The sessions are relatively short so they're easy to space out in a day. Sometimes I'll do two consecutive sessions.

I've been doing it every day for the past week, but I started slow, two or three times a week, just one session at a time. The first session felt like a disaster. I'm now getting used to the workouts and the positions are getting easier. For now I'm working with the free version but I'm seriously contemplating buying the pro version. I guess if I use it, it's worth it, right?

Never mind, I just checked it's bloody expensive. It's on a subscription basis, $35 a year. Fuck that.. I'll get a cheaper one.

So yeah. After my self image post, I'd say this is a good comeback. I started yoga before that post but wasn't feeling the benefits yet.

I received some really great comments on that post btw. Thank you to everyone. There were some wonderful compliments and I'm never great at taking compliments, they make me blush and I get shy... It's an issue I need to try to resolve, probably related to self image lol. Anyhow it's interesting to see how each one of us sees the other and how we see ourselves. How much we'd like to be able to see ourselves from outside, both physically and character wise.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Self Image

I can go an entire day without looking at myself in the mirror. There are days when I just plain forget. Or I'll use the mirror simply to make sure my hair is not looking ratty and I don't bother looking at my face. Having said that I will other times spend time in front of the mirror analysing and studying myself. There are other situations in which I use images of myself to get off. They portray what I want to see, what turns me on, so why not. It's more common for me to use other stimuli mind you, but I have taken pictures of myself to get off. The pics used for this blog were often the source of great orgasms for example.

I've come to the conclusion though, that the need to see one's self in the mirror or on cam or in a photograph is often a sign of insecurity. Looking at myself, checking in the mirror is, for me, one way to remind myself what I look like. I don't have a clear mental image of myself to begin with. I am very curious or perhaps sometimes worried about how others see me so I tend to want to see it myself by taking pictures, video or using a mirror.

There are times when I see myself as someone may have described me, and many more times when I see something completely differently. How I perceive myself is directly linked to how I am feeling of course. What I see constantly changes in my eyes and in my mind. I have seen an ugly old hag and I have seen a beautiful young girl. It fluctuates. That's probably the worst part. The fact that my self image is not stable makes it difficult to understand what I physically look like. If I constantly saw myself as ugly or really pretty I wouldn't need constant validation of what I looked like.

I often wonder if others have the same experiences. I guess it's probably pretty normal. I'm just the over analyser.
That should be my new handle.