Tuesday, December 24, 2013


It takes incredible control to speak during an orgasm or sex... At least it does for me. I lose all brainpower and most muscle control during an orgasm. 

I've tried though, god knows I've tried. I think it just takes practice. Speaking should come so naturally that you don't notice it or pay attention to what you are saying really. Fact is that if you are concentrating on words then you can't concentrate on the work at hand (so to speak). 

So my inspiration comes from a sort of tumblr site of audio sexual confessions. Advisor posted it in his list the other day and out of curiosity I checked it out. I have to admit I found many of the confessions quite hot. 

I've had some practice now. Practice makes perfect right? I've practiced a bit with Rob, on one of our late night encounters. I've started practicing on my own now too. I figure it's the best way to learn. All I need is time alone and a starting point. 

A starting point when alone helps a lot. I need to be able to start with a basic fantasy I guess before my brain loses all reasoning power and has my mouth follow on a random rampage of senseless words. 

It's basically just a concept for now. What I want in that moment. When with rob shyness seems to take over and the inhibitions feel strong. Alone I can let go of those and just talk. 

I am starting to realise that words are powerful tools. The ideas and memories behind them are enough to make me cum. It's a new concept to me. I have always been more of a visuals girl, but words may indeed be stronger. 

More practice will tell. 

Sunday, December 15, 2013


You know that feeling?
That feeling where your mind and your body are so full of emotion you feel like it's expanding inside you. It fills you to the point where nothing else can fit and you feel like you'll lift off the ground like a balloon full of helium.
Sometimes it's so strong the only thing you can do is lie down and let it rule your body. You are forced to just let it take over and submit to it.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

New place? (and a trip to Jordan!)

What's new?

I have a prospect for an apartment! I'm still not sure whether I'll take it, it's not EXACTLY what I've been looking for, but is so close and the position and price are so great I might take it. 

It's a one bedroom with a tiny kitchen and a separate large living room. It's got a bathroom of course. 
Separate from the apartment there's a sort of storage area under the apartment with two separate rooms. One is small, one is really big but they are not heated. They do have electricity and one room has a faucet where I could install a sink.

What's missing? I'm missing a spare guest room. All the other rooms are there. The question is, how often will people be coming to stay with me? How much do I really need a spare room? Could I scrum up a way to use the basement storage space as a studio space and a spare room?

The other downer is that there's no balcony and no garden. There's a courtyard that is a common area, where people store bikes and mopeds and stuff but it's surrounded by walls, direct sunlight would only get in at high noon. 

There are other more secondary problems, the apt is on a main rd, the windows open out onto the road except for the bedroom which is on the courtyard. The basement windows are at sidewalk level and cars park there, exhaust from the cars would leak in if they were kept open.

There are so many things to factor in, I have a hard time figuring this one out. They need an answer by next week... At the latest, there are others interested.


In other news bf and I are going to Jordan for the Christmas holidays. I've always wanted to go to Jordan to see Petra and the desert, ever since I saw Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Holy Grail. We're leaving on christmas eve and leaving Jordan on the early morning of the 1st of January, so no Christmas and no New Year's celebrations for us. I kind of prefer it that way, no hassle, no worrying about gifts or anything.
I'm super excited though. I'm just a little worried about the cold nights, but other than that I'm gung-ho.


Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Sundae Sex

Jen: Let's say that you have an ice cream sundae right in front of you and you have no spoon. Now, it's a hundred degrees out and you're starving. Now, do you lick the ice cream or do you bite right in? 

Dawson: Bite right in. 

Jen: Too fast. See, first you have to watch the sundae, admire the sundae, then, just before it's about to drip, you let your lips lick around the exterior, savoring every inch. You want that sundae to last a long time... ...but not too long, because then the sundae ends up all over the table instead of in your mouth. But Dawson, if you remember one thing, let it be this...If you don't get the whipped cream all over your face, you're not doing it right. You see what I'm saying? 

Having sex with a woman should be like eating ice-cream. Ok so this quote wasn't specifically about sex, it was about meeting a girl, getting to know her, kissing. But like with life in general it's fractal; it can apply to all aspects of a relationship.

It was from Dawson's Creek if you hadn't recognized the names. I loved this analogy. It was perfect and it stuck with me forever. It's the epitome of what women want.

There are times when a woman just wants to be ravished, taken almost violently and overpowered. That doesn't mean that you can't take your time with her too. That attention is important. It creates atmosphere and tension. It makes a woman cum harder. The build up is slower but it's stronger.

Occasionally you need to just observe, don't rip her clothes off all at once. Look at her, take some distance, watch her. Tie her hands behind her back and then move around her. Remove one thing at a time, barely grazing with your fingers. Kisses, sure, but not too many, not too long. Mix pleasure and pain, ripping/cutting clothes contrasted with slipping them slowly off. Caresses vs spanking or a lover's slap on the face. Naughty words compared to nice ones: she's a gorgeous little slut.

Tease and touch but then stop, dip in and out again, keep your distance. Don't let her control you, you control her. Let her have parts of you but only briefly. Fingers in her mouth, pussy and even ass possibly at the same time even, but then take those things away. Make her suck your cock on her knees but only temporarily, then deny her. Are you strong enough for that? Keep her wanting, she'll be begging you for more.

Just be careful, it's easy to over do the distance and she'll lose interest, it'll get boring. You need to gage how excited she gets, don't let her calm down. You'll understand from her breathing, from her pulse, her moans her eyes as she watches you move.

You need to understand when it's time to let go of the game. When it's time to give in completely. When you should be constant and not stop, if that's what you want. Do you want her to cum or do you want her to linger in limbo? The risk of limbo is that she goes beyond her limit and your work was wasted. You'd have to practically start all over. It depends on the woman, some woman love limbo, being constantly on edge. Others prefer going over the edge because they'll just want more after anyhow.

Me, personally, I go for either. I can linger in limbo for a day or even two. If you make me cum, I'll just be right back at you again in no time anyhow. Either way, boys, you win.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Keeping up

I keep telling myself I need to keep things up to date on here and I think of interesting things to share and then I forget them. 

So here's a few.  

Co-worker is back to flirting. I thought he was done with that scene but I guess he wasn't quite. He started texting me the other day with a series of smileys. I answered with one back and we exchanged about 4 each. There was a heart on another text and the touching at work started up again. I even got a hug yesterday. I play along a little, but not giving in entirely as it can't go anywhere, I'd rather it not go anywhere. 

Bf has separated our bank account, took his portion of cash and separated the bills. I'm paying my own rent and everything as of the beginning of November, but he hasn't moved out. He has given me more closet space and helped cleaned stuff out a little, but I'm afraid to ask him to start living the the other apt. I think he plans on staying until I find something but I have no idea how long that will take and would rather he start living there part time at least. I just need to find the courage to break it to him. 

I did something moderately bad. I went through the bf's computer and phone the other day. He erases his text messages on a regular basis so there's really not a lot there. His computer on the other hand was more telling. He had a chat program in the trash, it's a French chat site. Not sure why there was some sort of download for it. His browser history was full of porn which didn't surprise me. 

I kinda giggled as the porn was mostly vintage 70's stuff. Lots of bush. The other stuff was searches for young anal stuff. No surprise there. I'm not sure why but I am almost surprised there wasn't any gay curious stuff. I've always suspected a little. There was only one page about tranny sex and I'm pretty sure it was a mistake. I think he'd just been going through all the popular pages of a porn site as there was a whole list of pages from the same site on the history. I think he tries looking stuff up in English but isn't too good at it since he doesn't speak English.

If he went through my computer he probably wouldn't find a whole lot, though he'd find blogger, I'm not sure he'd be able to figure out it was me writing. I have a locked folder with pictures of myself and a few things from rob. And a couple other secrets. He wouldn't be able to get into that though. 

Sunday, November 10, 2013

"The Norm"

You know when you are in a conversation and it doesn't quite go the way you planned and how after the fact, even days later, you think back and the perfect responses come to mind?

I was talking to an acquaintance of mine about the bf moving out. When she asked about it I told her we weren't breaking up and that I just needed space. A whole lot of excuses came to mind. I explained that my parents divorced and that neither of them lives/lived with their partners. Her response was "so to you that's what feels normal". And I answered yes. 

Thinking back I kinda regret having explained myself. I think a much better response to her statement would have simply been 'it's the ideal situation for me, and the "norm" for society shouldn't be a limit for what feels right to me.'

She and her friend then went on to joke that it would work for her friend as well which showed they were trying to be accepting. 

I can't judge her reaction or comments, everyone comes to a conversation with their own background and experiences. But sometimes it's our responses that can make them think differently on a topic, which is why I regret not having thought of this that evening. 

Friday, November 8, 2013

Rampant gang bang.

I have an English course with a company. The students are almost all men, most are young, good looking guys. It's nice when 3 of them ask you if you do private lessons. Even if it isn't for themselves, it just goes to show that they like your style, think you're a good teacher.

Problem is avoiding thinking of a gang bang sex scene in the middle of a lesson.... Really hard. It popped into mind and I had to hide my dumb grin. 

Tuesday, November 5, 2013


I've been avoiding the blog. There are many reasons for my absence but the real reason is that I've just simply been avoiding it. 

Things are hectic as usual during fall. Courses are starting and taking up a lot of my energy and time not to mention private students. This fall has been dotted with difficulties though. My grandmother passed away. It was unexpected and harsh as I'd just seen her when I was back home visiting. She was in excellent health when I saw her and it came as a complete shock. Both my sister and I live disconnected from our extended family so people couldn't get in touch to let us know. We were devastated. Admittedly though she was very old and perhaps it's better that she went fast and painless at the age of 94. 

Bf is in the process of setting up his apartment. He has even freed up closet space in our place for me, but he isn't moving out yet. He spends a lot of time over there installing furniture and getting things set up. I went to pick him up the other day and used the washroom. It was a bit disconcerting to see a toothbrush and razor in there when he hasn't been sleeping there. It makes me nervous, but I try to ignore that feeling. 

He set up a whole display of photographs glued to the back of his front door from our various travels many of which are shots of me and him or just me. It's just something I found very sweet. 
He was also good when my grandma passed on and kept close. 

I will try to keep up with the blog more I promise. 

Friday, October 4, 2013

I'd like more anything please.

I've been having a hard time getting back to the internet. I've been launched full force into work since I got back and I haven't really been feeling the internet thing.

I haven't really had much time on my own either. The bf was on "holiday", meaning that the usual 3 afternoons he actually leaves the house to work were spent at home too.

He is in the process of furnishing the apartment he bought. He was going to move in September, then it was October, now it's looking like it won't be before the end of October possibly November.

We've been getting along though and so I guess it's ok. I've just been needing time alone. I really need time on my own.

I kinda feel like I have no men in my life right now. Apart from the bf... and even there it's just a friendship relationship atm, the others are all just kinda hanging on the sidelines. Rob has been in touch just in the last couple of days with a game but I haven't seen him or heard from him in months. Office guy sent me a virus that I thought was a genuine email and I responded so we started talking today, but he keeps insisting on meeting and I don't want to meet him. Co-Worker is around, we've been seeing each other more often, a couple times a week, but our interaction is very professional, and yeah there's the occasional friendly chat, nothing more, not even much flirting. So sad. I need more men.... more flirting, more anything....  I guess part of it is due to the fact that I've been staying away from the internet, but I just feel like I need "reality".


Going back home to N. America was amazing. I've even been talking about moving back there. I'd love to spend more time with my friends back home.

I went to a wedding. It was my best friend marrying another of my best friends. 

It was the single most beautiful wedding I've been to, and I've seen quite a few. It was sweet, heartfelt, spontaneous, simple, fun, and family/friend oriented. 

When I think of weddings I normally think of the grand affairs with hundreds of people, caterers, photographers and dollars spent on everything.

This was the opposite. It focused on feelings, memories, family and love. 

I spent time with the people I grew up with, my second family and I cried when I left.

I've been toying with the idea of going back for years. I could set up a three year plan to go back too. If I work hard, make a bit of money and apply for citizenship here I could get a European passport and come and go as I please in Europe, working where I want. Who knows.... One thing at a time I guess.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Jet Lag

My trip was amazing. I have stories to tell, though only the more banal ones involve me directly. 

My best friend's wedding was beautiful. Probably the most wonderful event I've had the pleasure to attend. 

I saw family and friends and cried when I had to leave them. I wish I could stay. I really wish I could spend more time with my second family. I miss them and that part of the world a lot. 

I've been keeping my distance from the net a bit. Needing that space. 

Upon my return I went looking for a cable and instead came across an old fold-out Kodak camera and decided to get film for it. I've been playing with it and adore it, though I haven't seen any of the pictures yet. 

Work is getting busier. Things will really start to pick up next week. I have new students, new courses, get to see coworker a little more. 
Nothing much else is new. 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

My dad went down on Kevin Bacon!?

So yeah, I had this dream where I was traveling with the bf, my dad, his wife and Kevin Bacon in a camper. My dad's wife went to sleep. Bf and I went for a walk and upon our return we find Kevin Bacon in the driver's seat in ecstasy while my dad gives him a bj. 

Where the fuck did that come from? Never mind the fact that the following events were no less disconcerting because I take the bf to our bed for sex as I seemed to be turned on by the whole thing. *shudder* not at KB mind you, but at my dad.... with another guy. Too much. So weird. 

Thursday, August 29, 2013

A going away gift


There's nothing to click today, sorry.

With HNT gone I rarely post pictures anymore so I thought I'd post this to relive the moments. 

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Take your towel

I'm going to N.America.... I'm leaving tonight and won't be back until mid September. I won't likely be posting as I won't have a computer with me... though you never know with smart phones and all.

And with that, since the post would be too short I'm going to regale you with a new formed hypothesis of mine.

An ex boyfriend of mine once said "anything the human mind can think up can be made possible". It's an interesting thought. It may even be true. But let's take that a step further. What if everything we write about does come true, let's say it's a given. Let's say that everything we can think of or make up will come true but we just don't know when. It's totally random.

So having said that. The dolphins are going to disappear one day leaving only a message saying "so long and thanks for all the fish" just before we get demolished.

Take your towel with you.

That is all.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Hot and Very Humid

Alone, in the dark.
It's hot and very humid.
Tank top and light cotton white shorts, the type you can see every detail through.
Laying uncomfortably on a couch that is too short.
Hand over the crisp fabric.
Finger pressing, back and forth.
Then up and down.
It's hot and very humid.
The dampness seeps through the softening cotton revealing the smoothness of a freshly shaved pussy.
My fingers move down, and up and back down over my hole, feeling the heat, feeling the wet.
Wanting in.
Circling, a repetitive motion, over and over but this time under the fabric.
Direct contact is more intense, better, harder to resist.
The slip of the wetness makes it sublime.
Dipping down for more, bringing it back up, then in.
Just enough, just the tip, just to make me groan.
It's hot and very humid.
I'm wet.
From head to toe.
Hair sticks to my neck.
The tank top is slowly soaking with sweat.
My hole wants more.
But I stop.

Thursday, August 22, 2013


I am a hypocrite. I've never tried to deny it.

I don't want to confront the bf with my suspicion and have to share my side of things unless he brings it up of course, in which case I'd see how things play out.

To be honest I don't really know whether I'm going to get into things with him or not. I haven't decided. As Advizor says maybe it would just make things ugly and not change anything. I have been tempted to ask him directly, sure, but for now I've simply asked him about his nails.

His answer seemed logical, but there was a hint of floundering when I first asked. I wish I were a human lie detector. I wish I knew Tim Roth... I'd sleep with Tim Roth. Then again Tim Roth reminds me of Rob, it's the accent and well, some of his lines in "Lie to Me".

Back to the story.

So yeah his answer was plausible, but I felt like there was something more to it than that. Fact is, I don't know when bf would find the time or space to actually do anything. He's with me constantly. Maybe it's when I'm out of town that things go down.

To answer all your comments I'm pretty sure I'm ready to hear the answer. Though I'd be devastated, I'm sure, if he were seeing someone else. I don't know that I'm prepared to be honest with him unless he's figured it out himself. Maybe he knows and is just playing along to keep things together.

I wonder sometimes if I'm looking for excuses to break up. Maybe he's doing it to create an excuse to break up... Maybe (likely) my actions in looking for an apartment triggered everything.

You know, his biggest fear when I told him I was breaking up with him a year and a half ago (when I thought I wanted to break up) was not finding someone else. He complained that he was getting old and "who'd he find". That was one of his fears. Maybe that got him looking around.

Saturday, August 17, 2013


Have I mentioned it before? Have I expressed my doubts around the bf? My so-called proof? 

I think he's seeing someone else. If he's not sleeping with someone on occasion he's thinking about it. There are clues, changes in his habits that prove it. Habits in his personal grooming and hygiene as well as changes in his way of thinking. I started to pick up on it about 6 months ago I think. 

He has been shaving his pubic. In 15 years he never shaved for me. He also stopped biting his nails... Or at least he managed to stop ganging up on one nail. One of his nails was almost gone due to him picking at it so much. It was disgusting really. I don't know when but he's managed to get it looking like the rest. 

Those are two of the more obvious things. There are other minor indicators around his personality and habits that ring warning bells: liking different types of music, downloading stuff he'd never downloaded before like international stuff rather than just local stuff. 

I'm really tempted to outright ask him if he's sleeping with someone else to see his reaction. But I'm not sure it's the best course of action. Any suggestions? 

Friday, August 2, 2013


and swallowed.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

The Abbey

They'd been wandering the city all day and had stopped for some rest and fresh air in a park near a museum. It was an old abbey too. The gothic walls were still standing with elegant arching yet pointy window frames in an old grey stone.

They sat in the grass next to the ruins of sarcophagi in the sun. She left him just for a moment, she had to run to the washroom at the museum and when she returned he was laying on his back in the sun. Sunglasses protecting his eyes, he was very tall and handsome. his shoes kicked off to one side, he looked as if he were asleep.

It was only their second visit together but the sex was as incredible as they'd both imagined. They'd had something of a marathon the night before and had decided to take a break for the morning. The walk in the city seemed like a good distraction, but sex was obviously still on their minds. They kept seeing good looking girls and guys around, commenting on them, making the other feel a hint of healthy jealousy.

She sat down next to him and observed him as he turned his head towards her obviously having heard her approach. "What were you thinking about" she said to him as he opened his eyes.

His eyes lit up as he looked at her grinning and said "I've got a massive hard-on" in his un-mistakably english accent. "I was thinking about fucking you"

She laughed "want to walk some more?"

"That's going to be awkward in my state" he smiled as he stood up revealing the massive bulge in his trousers. He pulled at his purple t-shirt trying to cover at least half of it, his hand in his pocked managed to mask the other half just a bit.

There weren't a lot of people around. They were scattered around the little park here and there, in small groups of two or three, mostly sitting on the grass talking or snacking.

"Follow me" she said quite matter of factly pulling him by the hand towards the back end of the park. There was a line of large trees back there, most of the people were walking around the abbey ruins but the back of the park seemed empty.

She pulled him in behind a tree, leaned him against it and got down on her knees in the soft grass. She unbuttoned and unzipped his trousers and reached in to pull his massive cock out. She looked up at him, and back down. A bead of pre-cum formed on the tip as an invitation to lick. She took it up on her finger and lifted it to her mouth, "that's my favourite part" she said quietly with a shy grin savouring the mildly salty flavour.

He was silent as he watched her. She took her eyes off him to concentrate on his cock. She worked the tip first running her tongue around the head and then plunged down to the base. She wanted to get him in as far as possible, that's the way he liked it. He loved making her gag on it. He loved seeing her in difficulty with it, her eyes would water and she would smile because she loved it. He grabbed her head in both hands and brought her in as close as her throat could handle. He let her go when she couldn't hold her breath any longer but her automatic instinct was to delve back down just as deep on her own.

With one hand he gathered her hair in a messy pony tail and pulled her off, depraving her of her goal. She whined a little as he pulled her back, wanting to get back to work. His cock pulsed and jumped in front of her making it all that more tempting.

"Ask for it" he said sternly
"Can I have your cock please?" she said pleadingly
"You'll have to do better than that, be more specific" he ordered quietly
"Please can I suck your cock deep in my mouth?" she managed
"Say it again"
"Please I'd really like to suck your cock deep in my mouth"

His hand pushed her head forward, her mouth open and accepting. She grabbed him by the shaft and made sure his cock centred her mouth and he just kept pushing, all the way down as far as it would go and holding it till he could feel her throat contract with her gag reflex.

He pulled her back abruptly smiling at her as she looked up with watery eyes. "Want more?"

"Yes please" she said sheepishly.

Friday, July 26, 2013

The Mr.XXX Conclusion.

So I may have figured out what happened with the "confidentiality" breach.

We talked about it again, I insisted on the name of who said something but he refused to give me any name declaring that it hypothetically wouldn't be fair to the person who may or may not have confided in him. He also said that the reality was that he'd just "heard stuff" that hinted at people knowing more than they let on, which is entirely plausible. I'm still not sure which of these versions is true but I'm guessing the latter if any at all....

What I do think happened though is this:
the day before he got weird I had a student of mine here, she's actually a good friend and we've been through a lot together and talk about most anything including our relationships. She's not the closest friend I have, but she is one of the people I talk fairly openly with because she's not super tied to my group of friends.

She asked how things were going between us, as well as with my health and I spoke fairly openly with her, she even asked how our sex life was (to be honest we haven't had sex in a fair while). Bf was "studying" in another room with the door closed, we were talking quietly but there's a good chance he overheard part of our conversation. I didn't care at the time, I knew he might hear, but I wasn't ultra careful, I didn't think it would bother him really, I was just being open and honest with her. Then I forgot about the whole episode.

I think what he then did was, he used that conversation as a staple for people who are close to me. I think he just guessed on Mr.XXX. He knows we meet rather often for lunch so it was a fairly easy guess to make. I may still ask Mr.XXX if he knows anything (when I see him... who knows when) but I'm certainly not angry and I doubt he'll admit to anything at all even if there had been a breach.

What I do know though is that human nature gives in to gossip, behind people's backs often. It's just the way the world works. Not everyone engages in this but most do and I myself have contributed to the nasty business. I generally know when not to open my mouth because of really sensitive material but on more minor subjects I have discussed it with others despite knowing it was somewhat of a "secret". Problem is that often people figure secrets out before they are said so there is a lot of conjecture going on before it's actually let out of the bag. I even remember people getting really radical horrible ideas about what others have been up to and having to let a minor "secret" out to appease the much more horrible conjecture gossip forming before my eyes.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Addressing the Elephant (or To Anon)

This is a post is partially inspired by my dear Anon reader who commented on my last post.

I have an "elephant in the room" with bf. I also know that he has picked up on it subconsciously. I've been trying, for years, to figure out what to do about it. The apartment solution was the only way for me to figure out my "true" feelings for bf and I'm sticking to that version. Separating our lives into two separate places may bring us closer together or it may prove to us that it just wasn't meant to be. I don't feel comfortable leaving the relationship until I'm sure of my feelings for Bf.

Others have mentioned it to me before, that maybe my "separate apartment solution" is just a ruse to get out of the relationship. It's not an intentional one. There's part of me that wants to see how things go and part of me that just wants to end it. I've been in this same mental position for years, even before I met Rob. That's partially why I met Rob I think.

As for the fact that it leaves our relationship in a grey area, it's entirely true. It's been in a grey area for a long time though. Pretty much the whole time. It's nothing really new.

Perhaps the only way to clarity is a clean break though and I'll continue to consider that possibility.

I read a meme on Fb the other day that got me thinking. The quote was attributed to Johnny Depp and I don't know if he said it or not, I haven't done my research, but the quote was interesting:

Fact is. Rob asked me just this when we met up. My answer was very clear. I said that it was possible to love two people at once and I'm still fairly sure it's possible (though this meme made me think twice), but it's two different types of love. You can be "in love" with someone and just "love" another. I think the falling in love with someone is temporary, it could be a long temporary state but it's still temporary. What our friend Johnny is referring to is the falling in love state of things, you can't fall in love with two people at once.

I would like to hear other opinions though. So post away on your blogs or comment here. It's always been a curiosity of mine.

PS I love hearing from Anon readers. So, thanks for the sincere comment. It means the world to me.

Monday, July 22, 2013

fucking fuck of a fuck

I'm so angry I'm calm. I barely know what to do with myself. I don't know whether I should be angry at myself or the guy who fucked me over momentarily.

Here's the story:

So I get back from my "holiday" and bf was fine while I was on holiday, we talked every day and he was chirpy, everything was normal. I get back and he's all weird. He's been weird for weeks now but about three days ago it started to get worse. He was snapping at me and angry for no apparent reason. He slept all day Saturday, ignored me, and then would be normal for 10 minutes and then back to his frustrated self again.

I talked to Rob about it yesterday and we were both wondering whether he'd figured stuff out. I mentioned it to my best friend back home and she wondered the same thing.

Today he freaked on me again for the simple question "what do you want to do today". So I got angry, told him he was acting up and headed off to another room.

Finally he got up the courage to sit down next to me and say, "admit it, admit you've been dishonest. You've been telling half truths, I know you have."  I almost shit myself, I had to appear totally calm, but my body was sweating to keep my heart from exploding. I simply asked what he was talking about. He just repeated what he said about being dishonest. When he finally saw that I had no idea what he was talking about he came out saying "Who have you been confiding in, telling them about our relationship?" My automatic response was my best friend, I was talking to her last night when he came home and he had made a snide comment about leaving the room so I could say what I wanted.

I was defensive. I said that I needed sounding boards, human sounding boards to talk to about my relationship with him since things are a bit rocky. I kept asking why he was asking and what it had to do with him. Then he said "oh so you haven't talked to someone like Mr.XXX for example".

So Mr.XXX in this case is the ONE guy who is a friend of ours that I see more than him, we often have lunch together because we both have lunch in the same place.... it's convenient for work purposes. He's the ONE guy I talked to about my relationship with the bf, the ONE person that I thought I could talk to freely. We have things in common because he has a rocky relationship with his wife.

Bf refused to tell me how he found out, he refused to tell me who spilled the beans to him. And I'm pissed off like never before. Should I be blaming Mr.XXX? should I have kept things to myself instead? probably.... but FUCK man....  It's totally FUCKED UP. What is up with people?

Fact is he's a friend, and he's almost always been a good friend, he has fucked up once before... with both co-worker and myself. So I don't know whether I should confront him about it or not. ARrRRrGGgggggg fucking fuck of a fuck!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Trip part.4 - Sex

There was a lot of it. It was incredible and for some reason he kept doubting that it could feel that good for me. He kept saying "It can't be that good, can it?"

One thing that stands out in my memory is a brief conversation about boring sex. Watching tv while having sex to be specific. I remember insisting that I'd never had sex while watching tv. I've never been bored by sex or a partner and I was somewhat sad that someone could experience boring sex. I really didn't think it was possible. I remember him saying that I'm too sensitive to get bored by sex. Considering that comment more seriously, maybe he's right.

Our sex was constantly different. No one episode was similar to the next. We were constantly trying new positions and places. Though the bed was the protagonist. We never had sex on any of the other furniture this time.

There was a mirror right next to the bed which was spectacular, we used it a fair amount. I love mirrors for sex. It gives you an external view of what's going on.

Since the sex was so different the mood was different each time too. There was the sweet and sensual sex, rough sex with hair pulling, gagging and hand squeezing throat sex. There was the sex that was fun and made us laugh and gasp. Sex that just made me want more (most of it really), I just wanted to cum a million times during one episode.

The last time we had sex was at 2 or 3 in the morning. I woke him up by going to the bathroom and we took advantage of being awake. It was pitch black in the room. He teased me pulling out and sliding in slow, pulling out again and waiting to plunge back in making me gasp. Slipping out slowly and both of us holding our breath in anticipation for his whole cock to slide back inside me. I could feel every inch, every detail. I was dripping wet covering his cock with my juices.

Trip Part 3.- Actions

There was a lot of action. We were often moving, whether it was walking, talking, eating or having numerous bouts of sex. There was a little sleeping and even a little resting like watching tv, but it was all interactive and very dynamic. I want to talk about it all yet I want to keep it to myself. I want it to be mine and only mine. I feel like I want to hold on to a lot of the sexual details because I'm not ready to hand them out. And even the more tame stuff is so precious to me that I feel like I need to hold on to it so I'll probably end up posting bits and pieces here and there.

In terms of just us hanging out it really was a wonderful trip. I enjoyed every minute of it. We walked around the city a lot, we didn't go to museums or spend a lot of time indoors since the weather was so nice. We spent our time in parks, along the city walls and on the river having great food.
One episode that perhaps describes the mood best was in a gorgeous cafe on the bank of the river. The building was part of the medieval bridge with a winding stone staircase to get to the small terrace they had outside.

The food was amazing and we just talked about random things. It's so hard to describe the mood, but it was seriously relaxed and very easy with a lot of laughter, some serious topics and basically enjoying the great food, weather and views. 

The first hours we spent together after he met me at the train station were important to me. He was so worked up he needed to calm down so we just sat on a bench outside the train station for a bit. He was shaking and his heart was pounding, it was just the sweetest thing to witness. It just proved to me that our meeting wasn't just an ordinary event, it was scary for us both to an extent and that I wasn't alone in my fears and anxieties. After that initial rest we dropped our bags at the hotel and went to a park for a walk, had ice-cream and laid on the grass and just rested. I laid on top of him which is so unusual to me, I don't think I've done that with anyone before. We just observed each other, talked, laughed, kissed, caressed and there was even a little sexual temptation. It was just a really great moment.

Another thing that stands out in my mind was watching TV at 3 am after amazing sex just trying to answer the game-show quiz questions. He's really quite good at that sort of thing, I was surprised. It was fun and quirky and we worked together in a way. It was a collaboration rather than competitive (though we have that on occasion too).

On the last evening over dinner we looked up the collective nouns for animals and tried to remember a bunch, noticing that many had connections to the animal's behavior or personality in a way. It was just sort of bringing our online word games into a real life context and making it that much more enjoyable. It's one of the many things that makes me smile when I think back on it. 

Monday, July 15, 2013

Trip part.2 - Feelings

The first was anxiety. I was anxious about seeing him again. It started a couple days before meeting and vanished almost as soon as I saw him in the train station. Though it did take some time to ease up completely. I was anxious because I felt like I needed to be perfect for the occasion and that no matter what, I'd never be good enough. I was anxious because I'd been really worn out from Paris and wasn't sure how my health would hold up during our encounter. He was anxious too initially which somehow settled my nerves, I guess my instinct to be 'the strong one' kicked in.

The second emotion was a sense of calm and happiness, total ease and pleasure to be with him. As I said the anxiety melted as soon as I saw him and he hugged me (or I hugged him). I guess happiness and calm and just ease comprised the largest portion of my feelings around the encounter. There was a lot of laughing, a lot of dialogue and there were silences. We were together for somewhere around 2 days so it wasn't possible to be talking the whole time. The silences weren't generally the type where you're uncomfortable or feel the need to talk, it was usually just a pause between topics.

There was sadness. It was quite intense on the last morning. I cried while he held me and stroked my back and tried to convince me to be happy. I tried to explain that I was happy while at the same time feeling sad but I have a hard time talking when I'm crying so I just left it at that. He managed to get me to laugh by making fun of me. Mind you my feelings of leaving him were too strong to forget that fast. He walked me to the train station we said our goodbyes and I cried as he walked away, though I don't know if he knows. I imagine he caught my wavering but knew he had to leave or it would just be worse. I tried my best not to show it. I cried on the train and I cried in a park back in London waiting for a friend.

I don't know why the emotions of sadness were so strong this time round, last time I was sad sure, but I didn't cry for a half a day. I was happy and confident last time. This time I don't know. Some part of me thinks it's got to do with my situation at home, maybe I'm just more vulnerable. Part of me thinks that I was picking up on feelings of his, he was so pensive on the last morning, he always is I guess. In my first real encounter with him he had the same look on his face just before our goodbyes and I am always afraid to ask him what he's thinking about.

Friday, July 12, 2013

My Trip! (Intro Post)

I got back the day before yesterday. I'm exhausted but mostly because I've been working like crazy since I got in. I also came down with a bladder infection as I was leaving the UK and have been feeling generally shitty especially with 33° heat.

My trip was incredible, the whole thing. There is nothing that I wouldn't have wanted, maybe apart from the bladder infection, but I did manage to keep it at bay until I got back home. Since I'd been in Paris for 5 days before going to the UK I was pretty exhausted by the time I got to London. I just wanted to lay around doing nothing. I did do a few things like visit a couple friends, went shopping and went to an art gallery but other than that I just spent time resting. I wasn't feeling 100%, I was just feeling a little under the weather. Really tired, wanting to sleep constantly and a slight sore throat, but I was sure it was my Fibro. I was worried that if I didn't rest up I wouldn't be able to take advantage of my time with Rob.

After London I went north and did my art course. The art course was incredible, I learned tons in just a short amount of time, it was only 6 hours long but it was great. I loved every second of it. There is something to be said about creating things with a group of women. It was the first time I'd done anything similar but it was a wonderful experience. It was a bit nerve wracking considering there's this automatic comparison between your work and the work by the other people around you.

The day after I met up with Rob. We had 2 nights together and around 48 hours. We spent just about every minute of that time together minus bathroom breaks. I have no idea where to start describing things. My mind has been overloaded with way too much for the past three or four days. Out of our three encounters I believe this is the one I liked the best. The whole thing was just really intensely happy. That's the only way I can really describe it. There wasn't a second I didn't love. There's a part of me that wants to tell every detail and a part of me that wants to keep it all for myself, especially the sexual details, but I'm sure they'll trickle out as time goes by.

I haven't had time to write for myself as I usually do in my actual black diary which means that all my feelings, memories and thoughts are all jumbled together in one giant emotional and confused knot of information... Sooo I'm going to break this trip into a couple posts based on Feelings and Actions and a possible Thoughts post, I haven't decided yet how many posts, I'll just see how it comes together. It's the only logical way I can organize things at the moment and even then it's not very organized.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Ready, Set, GO!

Tomorrow morning I leave. Bf and I are heading to a nearby town for a concert and are staying in a hotel for the night and then Thursday I head to the nearby airport and fly to Paris.

I have just under 5 days there then a few in London. I head north the art course I'm looking forward to and the day after Rob, rob rob rob.... yeah... that makes me smile.

I can't explain it. I feel calm and ready yet I'm really really looking forward to this. The whole trip will be fantastic. Rob will be the icing on the cake. I'll be seeing all sorts of friends too, people from back home are going to be in Paris while I'm there, and another friend from here will be in London while I'm there.

It'll be a very busy trip but that's good. I like being busy while traveling.

So I guess that's all I need to say. I'll be reporting from my trip I'm sure. I'll have internet off and on for the whole trip. Paris will be a little slower as I'll only have wifi in my hotel, but in the UK I'll have internet on my phone.

Right! Wish me luck! ;-D


Friday, June 21, 2013

Dream influence

I'm sure I've written about this topic in the past. Dreams are powerful things and sometimes I get one that just changes everything for me.

Last night I got a call from one of my students, he asked me if he could come for a lesson. He's a University student that I got up to conversational speed for job interviews as his courses were ending. I hadn't heard from him or seen him in months and got that surprise call last night at about 10pm.

He's not a good looking kid. He's already balding, he's only 22 or so. He's average, certainly nothing too exciting. The strange thing is that when I was teaching at one of the local high schools he was in one of my classes and I somehow remembered him when he came for private lessons a few months back.
Anyhow my point being that I've known this kid for a while if you count that I met him when he was in his first year of high school and he has now finished university.

Let's get to the dream... So the dream was bizarre and I don't know what the surrounding circumstances were. All I can remember is that we were in bed together and he wanted to seduce me. He wanted to hold me, to kiss me, to run his leg up my thighs and I kept pulling away, telling him that I couldn't. That I had a boyfriend. We were fully clothed, both of us. He was wearing shorts, it was warm and we had just a sheet floating around between us.

Fact is that when I get dreams like this it totally alters my view of the person. I seem to create a stronger connection with them. Today when he came it was strange for me, almost awkward at first and it's all so one sided.

During our lesson today my mind would occasionally slip to the dream. And there was something that would grab my attention and turn me on. Don't, for one second, think that I find this kid attractive. I don't he's an odd looking guy with strange mannerisms. Maybe it's the heat. Maybe it's just cause I've been horny because of the imminent meeting with Rob... in any case yeah, it was strange.

Monday, June 10, 2013


One month on the 7th equals 4 weeks....or 28 days.....or 672 hours more or less. Yeah I'm counting. I don't know if I've really ever looked forward to a meeting with Rob this much.

I think the other times I was more anxious. This time it feels easier. Part of it has to do with the fact that we've done it before and I know what to expect. Part of the tension is eased by the fact that there's a lot to do and see where we're going so it eases our initial awkwardness.

 It's not like we'll run out of things, but its nice to have lots of options. We're both so shy that it can be a bit daunting, I think, to have to deal with someone on a 24hr basis and know what to talk about for the whole time. Being in places, cathedrals, museums etc... Will give us plenty to talk about. 

When we're on the phone we rarely use video anymore and it seems to placate our senses. We're not as shy and we don't get stuck on what to talk about as much as we used to. Maybe we've just finally gotten accustomed to each other's company, in any case we're capable of talking on the phone for hours without having much in the way of awkward silences. 

I do miss seeing his face though, even on video. I caught a glimpse of him today as he was going to show me the cake he'd made. I don't think he noticed, or maybe he did, but I loved every split second of it. 

Time for some Zzzzs 

Monday, June 3, 2013

Diamonds in the Shit.

Today was a day that I might remember for a while. It was a shitty day but it definitely had it's sparkling moments of wonder. There are a few reasons for this.

I've still been having health issues, so I was in a shitty mood about that for the past two days. I had a fight with the bf today possibly due to my shitty mood, but he hasn't been much help either. I saw my doc who wasn't helpful at all and basically told me that I'd tried all the meds she knew of and just pointed me in the direction of a specialist which is going to cost an arm and a leg.

The flip side though is that I got a lovely long email from Rob and a text saying he'd booked the hotel for our meeting. It made me smile uncontrollably and just feel so much better. It's about all I can think of these days. My mind just keeps wandering to that and people notice and often point it out.

Today I also had a longish conversation with co-worker. I popped my head in at work to say hello, I wasn't working just hanging out and even with the other staff there we got to talking. People were asking how I was doing health wise and one of the staff said that I just need to get out of the country, move somewhere warm (with a better climate) and get a new bf, a new life, you know just get out.

Co-worker didn't hear that but when the weather conversation continued (it's been really unusually cold and wet here, summer is super late) he said "you know, we got it all wrong, you and I... we should have got married and moved to Brazil." Don't ask me my reaction, I don't remember, I imagine I laughed. I think I agreed too. And something tells me he wasn't far off from being serious.

When the rest of the staff had gone to lunch I lingered and we talked some more. Talked about life and our present situations with work and such. He mentioned that he could tell my head was whirring, that I'm distracted by all the thoughts going through my mind. I like his acuteness (no pun intended), he notices every little thing with me. I barely notice those details for myself half the time. He also knows there's a lot going on with me. He pics up on it fast and he turns and tells me to smile.
There's nothing I can do about it. I just really like him.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Tangible Desire

Over the past year my mind has gone through many phases for Rob. I'm not sure it was the same last time but I imagine it was similar.

Between meetings, the hardest part is getting used to the distance. Not so much the physical distance but the intermittent contact that's between us most of the time. I never really get used to it. I hate it to be honest. If I could, I'd have him on an IV drip. Don't ask me why. I don't know. He's my drug, always has been.

What happens though is that my mind starts to settle when I know I'm going to see him again. When I've booked my ticket and things are set. I feel more relaxed and sure of things. Up to that point, no matter how much reassurance I get, I still wonder (and often doubt) if he wants/needs/loves me.

The phase I'm in now is one of tangible desire for him. I often fantasize about him ravaging my body. But that's exactly what it is, a fantasy. I don't always have the images so defined in my mind.

These days I can clearly remember details, smells, sensations. And I crave the simplest of things. A kiss, a bite, a finger, the sensation of his hard cock under his jeans, undoing his belt, slipping a finger under the elastic of his boxers, his eyes watching me of course. It's all so clear.

Maybe I can conjure the images any time I want, maybe it's just a matter of letting myself....

Friday, May 17, 2013

Jobs, apartments and a Diet. (I wish this update were sexier)

Woot! I got a great job opportunity this week. It was really lucky and I thank my years of experience and hard work in my teaching. I got the job through word of mouth from two students so it makes me feel good that I got so highly recommended.

I got called into a fairly important local company, to teach a group of students.

Ok so it doesn't sound like much but to me it's huge. Most teachers here DREAM of having an opportunity like this because most of the time these companies call schools. The language schools then send out a teacher and the teacher gets paid peanuts compared to the percentage the school takes.

I got the job private so I could ask for whatever hourly rate I wanted. I didn't ask for an exaggerated amount mind you, but I did ask for 50 euros an hour. I have to pay taxes on that but in the end I pocket about 40. I'm definitely happy.

For now the course starts with 16.5 hours for an introduction and review of grammar, then there's a second part which will include a bunch of technical stuff. It's relatively complex stuff so I'll need to study to make things work. But I'm really proud of this... really happy.


As for apartments I haven't found anything, though I've only been in to one place to ask. I have memorized an apartment I saw advertised that I need to check in on, but other than that I'm basically just trying to find time to do anything.


The diet is going well. I spent the first few days craving anything sweet and breads. I had the fourth day where I started feeling awful. 5th and 6th days were hell, but then I realized that it was the meds I'm on that were making me so ill. I remedied that and feel pretty good today.  I'm sticking to my diet as best I can though on the 4th day I felt like I was going to pass out so I integrated whole rice and an apple. It was only later that I realized my symptoms were due to the meds. But I've kept the rice and apple in the diet. I feel better with them there.

I'm exhausted today. It's been a long day. I'm in a pretty good mood.... except I watched Arrow and cried.... Season Finale... I never cry during movies. But there was something about the last scenes that just got me. Next up is Game of Thrones... I'm just having a really quiet night in, it's only 8:40 and I'm ready for bed, I could easily crawl in and sleep. Maybe I will..... I need to eat first though. dinner.... the only problem with this diet is the cooking, it takes some planning.... not much mind you... but some.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Detox Diet and The Trip.

I'm thin... people make sure I remember that by constantly telling me how thin I am. I'm an eater though. I love food, good food, bad food, doesn't matter. I like to eat. I especially like pasta, breads, pastries, and chocolate.

I have recently decided to go on a detox diet for health reasons. It's a diet that eliminates all grains, glutens and well basically everything that isn't just greens and meat. No sugar, no honey, no fruit even. I'll be eating salads and white meat for 10 days and then I'll gradually reintegrate fruit. I started today and I'm already in withdrawal. I want bread. I want cookies. I want chocolate, I want anything sweet. It's incredible how addicted I am to sugar and wheat. I don't know how well I'll manage this diet. It's only day one.... I'm craving bad.

I need to be organized to manage this during my work week and not just on the weekend. The hardest part is snacking. I generally eat every two hours or so. I eat smaller amounts often and I don't know what to eat during those snack moments. Plain greek yoghurt is one thing that I can eat and veggies but they both aren't terribly transportable. I'll have to work something out.

As I go, I'll update on here if I manage it. I'm hoping the blog will keep me on track.


On a separate note, I've been booking all my hotels, trains and stuff for my trip over to Paris and the UK. It's incredible how fast this trip is creeping up on me. It's already May and I leave at the end of June. I'm meeting Rob on the 7th of July so just under two months off.

I've talked to him a couple times fairly recently. We hadn't been in touch much over the past few months, we've both been busy and I think there must be a component of distance but I can't figure out the mechanism behind it or the reason why. I'm not sure if it comes from both of us or just one of us. Though I'm pretty sure it's both.

Getting back in touch was obviously really nice. I missed him a lot, I missed that connection with him. I really enjoyed our last chat. It was on Skype but it was typing only. It was just like old times (which is something that makes me feel old!) when we didn't have video or voice. We played silly word games and made stupid jokes and talked about all sorts of fun facts. We got into topics like Kids in the Hall and Moon Unit Zappa. I really enjoy that kind of talk with him. There was nothing or next to nothing sexual about it. It was very tame, like two good friends just having a good time.

Friday, May 3, 2013

fuck it.

This day has sucked the primordial bucket so bad....

They didn't accept the offer I put in on the apartment. After a day of arguing with the bf, this is how the day ends.

I hope tomorrow is better.

Maybe it'll even be sunny...

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Birthdays and Arguments.

It was my birthday last Saturday. I had an amazing day. Bf took me to a nearby town to wander during the day. He let me choose what to do the whole day, no complaints. We went to a museum I've been dying to get to for years and we ate at a little greek takeaway place... mmm love greek food.

That evening he had to work but he said he'd be home by 9 (an hour early) to take me out to dinner. Before he left he told me that a friend of ours was going to stop by at 8 to drop something off. I worked an hour and then jumped into the shower at 7 just before 8 I was still in my housecoat with a towel on my head so I jumped into some clothes and waited for this friend to stop by.

At just after 8 the buzzer rings and I see 10 people on the little video screen, I pick up and they all start singing (yelling) happy birthday to me over the intercom.

They'd all brought stuff for dinner, took over the apartment while I dried my hair, tripped the breaker with a hair dryer, oven and microwave going and basically gave me the best birthday I've had in ages.

People mostly brought small simple gifts. I'd have preferred no gifts at all since they all prepared amazing food.

Bf got me a ukulele and a new wallet. I love my uke. I've already learned 2.5 songs, I still need to work on one.

Today though, I got into a big argument with bf. I feel like he's really upset with me because I'm booking two longish trips this summer, the one to Paris and the UK and then I have to go back home in N. America for a friend's wedding.

I did ask him if he wanted to come with me for the wedding. He knows that I have mixed feeling about having him along, but when I asked him if he wants to come he says that he can't afford it.

So now, as far as I can tell, part of the reason he's angry is because I'm considering taking a bit longer to travel to visit my sister in asia too (It's super unlikely it would be so expensive).

I don't get it. I don't understand what makes him angry, I don't understand if he's jealous of my trip, I don't understand if he wants to come... and when I tried talking to him about it, it's like going in circles and talking nonsense. At one point he even tried saying that my sister hadn't invited him and that he was offended. It's complete bullshit she did invite him and I told him that too... I clearly remember telling him that if we went together we'd get a bungalow at a cheap rate and if I went on my own I could stay with her in her bungalow (she works in a resort).

Half an hour ago he sort of apologized, as he does, he came in and gave me a hug and kiss. Didn't say I'm sorry or anything though, never does. But I'm still frustrated and upset because I feel like he's blaming me for stuff that I've really tried to be fair about.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

An Interview.

Hey Cande! How are things?

Things are crazy right now. I'm working like a maniac and I haven't had time to do anything for myself really.

How's that apartment thing going?

Oh that... Well today I went to the agency and gave them a written offer for the place. I asked for 550 Euros completely furnished.

Why did you decide to ask for that?

Well my original plan was to ask for the place at 500 Euros with just a kitchen (yeah rental places here don't have ANY furnishings, including kitchens), but in the end if I have to furnish the place myself it would be more expensive. I'd rather have them do it and I don't have to worry about how to get the furniture to the apt.

And when will you know the answer? Do you think the owner will accept?

Hopefully by next week. I'm not sure if he'll accept, I'm just keeping my fingers crossed. If he doesn't accept I might make another offer, or I might just leave it. The floor plan isn't the greatest solution for my needs so we'll see.

How has the Bf been dealing with it all?

It's been kinda strange really. He's been really good. I have been having a hard time understanding how much to involve him in this process. I asked him if he wanted to come to the appointment with the agency today. I wasn't sure I wanted him there but then I started asking him questions about what was going to happen so he suggested he come along. I was somewhat relieved that he did.

Once there he wouldn't stop talking again, like he does when he's nervous. But at one point he went on a long monologue to the agent about how I'm so innocent and "good" and I don't give money any importance and that I don't have a bad bone in my body. He was trying to convince her not to take advantage of me. The whole talk made me cry. I was bawling inside but I managed to hide the tears and keep a straight face. I kept smiling and shaking my head at both the agent and at him to say it wasn't exactly true. It was rather rough though. I told him, when we left, that he'd made me want to cry I explained that he'd said some really nice things about me that weren't true (I can't take compliments) and he said it was the only way anyone could describe me.

So when do you move in?

If the owner accepts the offer I think August more or less.

Have you talked to Rob recently?

Rob, rob, rob... I spoke with him directly in a Skype conversation last week. It only lasted 20 minutes and I think we needed more than that. We seem to need a preliminary awkward chat and then we settle back into each other's comfort zone and we ease up. We're both so shy that it takes a bit before we get comfortable with each other's voices.

I have been quiet lately, I haven't been getting in touch with him much because we decided to leave that up to him.

I got in touch with him on Thursday evening though, when I got news of Storm Thorgerson's death. We'd been in a music art gallery together and could have bought his prints. We've sent a few emails back and forth but it's the weekend and I won't likely hear from him until next week.

Our meeting is constantly in the back of my mind. His voice, or rather memories of him telling me naughty things under his breath creep into my mind at unexpected times. English people on tv will remind me and I'll just go catatonic for a few moments until I can gather my wits again.

I don't remember the last time we got off together or vice versa he got me off or I him, so I miss that. I miss him in general but that can't be quenched so I can't really complain.

How are YOU feeling about all the change?

It's scary but at the same time I'm happy. I'm happier than I've been in a long time, though I'm not sure if that's just because it's spring, sunny and maybe because I don't have time to think, I'm working like a dog. Bf is getting out more now too, he's found some stuff that he enjoys doing in the evenings. So we're getting along very well. I think my peace of mind means a lot for the relationship. I feel like I'm taking a big step. Both in terms of my work, with my new business number finally coming together in a way that I can use it, and with the mental move from living with bf to him getting his place and me getting mine.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Another Apartment?

Thanks all for the well wishes. It's hard to lose a pet, but as many of you said, it's worth having them around. They're company is priceless.

I went to check out a new apartment the other day. I told bf I was going and since we've been doing a lot together in the past few days we decided to go together. It was a little strange, he did say that if I didn't want him to go he wouldn't get offended, but I said, hey why not, come along.

I half regretted it but at the same time it was useful to have him there. The owner was there and he seems like a genuinely nice person. Bf tends to talk too much when he's a little nervous so he rambled and rambled and rambled and I just wanted to do the talking myself. I even told bf before we left, let me talk. But he didn't.

Whatever, no harm was done I imagine. The place is interesting, it's the right size, but the set-up is terrible. It's on two floors, and I'd have to have the "living room/guest room" in the basement along with my work studio/laundry room. Upstairs I'd have the bedroom, kitchen and an entrance/large room where I'd teach and paint. It could work, but it would take a little organizing. I'd also be going up and down the stairs a lot with a living room downstairs and a bedroom upstairs.

The price is high though. They want a €100 more than the first place I'd found, so €660 but I'm going to see if I can get them down to €550.

The good thing is that it's closer to where I work and the centre of town. It's only a 5 minute walk from town instead of the 20-30 minute walk from the other apartment I'd found. PLUS it's on a super quiet street. I've got a large garden/patio almost all to myself. The owner lives upstairs but only part of the year since he travels a lot and has a second house in another part of the country. I'd say it's ideal....
Totally renovated, new tiles, two large bathrooms. One with a gorgeous shower with a built in seat.

We'll see how that goes.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013


My bird passed away last night.

Believe it or not I looked over at his perch and got a slight chill around the time he passed on.

There's an empty space where his perch was. Bf took it down right away. We buried him in the garden behind the house. When we got home from the vet's I sat down and cried, bf came to hug me and miracle of miracles, cried too.

It frustrates me to no end how he deals with his emotions, but I can't exactly be judgmental on that front. I'm not great with mine either.

Monday, April 8, 2013


Thanks everyone for the lovely comments about HNT. You know how I love HNT, even though I never have time to take pictures anymore.

Things are moving forward on the apartment front. I'm going to see another apartment tomorrow afternoon. Though the owner is asking a lot for the place. It's ideal though. Perfect almost, we'll see though what it's like and how they take an offer.

Bf and I went to look at tiling for his new apartment. It's all so weird and often anxiety or fear filled but the tension doesn't last long and we iron it out quickly. I fear interfering in his choices so I try to back off, give him some help in aesthetic choices but ultimately the decisions are his.

There has been a major problem at home though. We've had a parrot for 15 years. We bought him together and hand trained him. He wasn't actually supposed to stay with us, the parrot was initially a gift for bf's mom, but she refused to take him in so we got "stuck" with him.

A few days ago the bird got sick, he stopped eating and was just sleeping. Things progressed and got worse so we took him to the vet Friday. By Sunday he got taken in and is laying on his side in a hermetic chamber with 99.9% pure oxygen. He's asleep and well, he looks like death on a stick.
Poor thing, I cried all Sunday convinced he wasn't going to make it through the night but he did and was up and getting around this morning. Once they gave him another injection of antibiotics though he collapsed on the floor of the chamber. We're hoping he'll survive but we're not sure how it's going to go.

Fact is, it just seems like he's really feeling our separation. It sounds crazy, but the bf, our neighbour and I all thought of it.

Last night bf and I stayed close in bed, no sex though and just holding each other or my foot over his. We both had a restless sleep knowing the parrot was at the vet's. Today I feel better but I'm sad and worried of course. I miss him if he isn't here, he's just part of the household, part of our routine, part of our lives together. After 15 years I'd be pretty upset to lose him.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Sex and HNT! How exciting is that??

Ok so here's a sexy posting.

I had lots of crazy sex with the bf day before yesterday. I think part of our problem is that we don't have sex for ages and then when we do it's like, crazy insane sex that we can't get enough of. So we wear each other out a bit I guess. We need to take things a bit slower.

The sex was excellent, many different positions, many different styles and speeds. Just the way I like it. I got off twice. The highlight was me sitting on top of him, reverse cowboy, leaning back on one hand, and knees bent in front of me, his hands holding my ass up so he could fuck me from below, and I still had access to my clit.

HNT is up. it's on the Other HNT by Osbasso. Make sure to leave lots of praising comments below the pictures and visit the participant sites if they've been linked to.

The last bit of Sexyness is for all you men out there who aren't participating in a sabbatical from masturbation.... lol sorry, I had to pull your legs a little, Tom and Advizor.

This is a little video that I watched last week and really, really... really enjoyed. I think I got off three times that day, with a break in between mind you.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Thanks,stats and blog list.

I want to thank all my followers and blog friends. I have a lot of lurkers who I also love. I see you lurking and I love that you're there reading and keeping up. I'd be happy to hear from you, but I know that sometimes it's just easier not to write a comment, that's all good too, I am happy no matter what.

I need my followers, the ones who comment and the ones who don't. It forces me to be faithful to my decision of blogging. I wouldn't bother if I knew no-one was reading. At that point I'd keep a journal. I need the external stimuli to keep writing.

I have had a total of about 88,713 visits to this blog since I started in May 2009. I have an average of visits per day that fluctuates, but right now it's around 55. The nice thing is that the average visit length is actually 2.00 minutes long! That, to me, is impressive, it means that people are reading and paying attention.

I need to update my side blog list, which I hope to get to this week. But here's a list of my favourite blogs. I would suggest that any lurkers and public readers out there take a look to see what they're offering. 

I love women's blogs more than men's. If it's the right kind of blog, I'll read every post they write but I have only found a few (2) women's blogs that I really truly connect with. As for the men, I like looking into the male psyche, but I'm not an avid reader of male blogs. I have many I stop in at regularly, but I just don't have time to keep up with everything. I admit I follow more men than women, but it's the women's blogs I like more, it's just harder to find exactly what I like in a woman's blog.
I think too that I'll follow a blog more if I catch it from the start. If I have to dive in mid blogging, I have a harder time with it. 

Ladies first:

Rachel-xx @ Naughty Rachel - xx : She has a blog that is quite similar to mine in that it's the honest, open diary of a woman exploring her relationship possibilities. We could honestly be sisters, we are similar in many ways, we just have so much in common.

Johanna @ Disentangling Johanna : Johanna is a blogger whose blog is on a very similar topic to mine since she has a a very important online relationship like mine and Rob's. They haven't met yet but I do believe that someday they will. They are very very close and have recently realized just how close they are.

Sin @ Finding my Submission :  She is a sub in a Dom/sub BDSM relationship. Her blog is mostly an outlet for her thoughts, troubles and trials, as well as ideas on this type of relationship. 

Conina @ Surrender : I'll let her tell you what she's about. "The love of my life is also my husband and master. He's a very very accommodating man who is also not afraid to take what he wants from me . That makes me the luckiest girl alive. This is my story of submission, of surrender, and of joy - mostly told through sex."

Liza @ Always Each Other : Here's what her intro says: "Liza is one half of a happily married couple who have recently rediscovered one another. We can't be pinned down." 


Advizor @ Free Advice is Worth What you Pay for it : This is a good friend of mine, we met years ago through the blogs. He is hosting Flash Fiction Friday, so if you have a blog and want to participate go over there and find out what it's all about. He is a great writer of erotic fiction and you'll find general diary entries on his blog too. I guess I go for the diary type blog more than the journalist type blog.

DoG3oY @ The Guru's nipples of power : Now this guy has a sort of diary as well. Though he's not great in keeping it up recently, we need to encourage him to do so. He's always had a mix of stuff on the blog from work related banter to erotic thoughts and stories. 

N.Likes @ My Dissolute Life : He's got mostly erotic but the occasional real story diary type entry. He likes commenting on women he sees, a bit of a voyeur really. 

JFBreak @ Break Out : is a bisexual man and his trials and tribulations in his marriage to his wife. The threesomes they've done and his interactions with male colleagues at work. It's a great mix of erotic and diary. I've been following for some time but recently I've been paying more attention to this blog.

Malcom @ Malc's Blog : His is a collection of thoughts more than anything. An older man with a younger wife and his attractions to other women and his thoughts on eroticism and many other topics.

Tom @ Three spelling Mistakes : Tom has great writing abilities. He writes short erotic stories that just leave you wanting more. I haven't been keeping up with his blog as much as I'd like since I can't get it onto my reader list (not sure why) and I keep forgetting to add it as a bookmark, but I'll figure something out. He's on a no masturbation celibacy vow at the moment, let's see how it goes!

Osbasso @ Views from the Back Row : This is the famous HNT blog starting point. HNT doesn't exist anymore though on occasion there are returns... now that I think of it I'm pretty sure he's set up a monthly HNT event, though I've been so busy I haven't had time to check out when it is. His normal posting is mostly day to day stuff, but I love peeking into people's lives so it's just my style. 

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Oh yes I've done it again.

I took a leap of courage and booked myself an art course in the UK for July. It cost very little to book the space on the course so I figured even if I had to back out it would be ok.

I told Rob shortly after I'd booked it, I told him the date and asked when would be ok to meet up. I had two weeks off work before the course so there was plenty of time. I knew he was busy in a couple of summer dates, but I didn't exactly know when, but I figured that with 2 weeks available I'd be able to wing something.

It turns out the dates weren't the best, we chatted online briefly one evening and I was worried the dates were completely wrong, I left it with him for the night and the next day or the day after we caught up on Skype for a phone conversation. We've worked it out, we're meeting up for the 7th and 8th of July.

He says it's a long way off. It's not really... It's almost Easter now. Soon enough it'll be April. Four months will go by quickly.

I've booked my flights now too. I'm flying into Paris and out of London. I'll be spending a few days in Paris and then taking the train to London. I've never been to Paris. I've always wanted to go, and I'll get to practice my french, see the louvre and all the gargoyles and gothic cathedrals I've always studied.

BF / Apartment
The bf may be worried that I'm going with someone else. I told him that I'm going for 2 weeks and he kept asking who I'm going with, I just kept interpreting his question as what airline I'm traveling with, and I kept answering the same answer.

He has bought the apartment he was looking at. He's put the down payment on it and will be choosing the floor tiles. Sometimes I think about it and it scares me. For the most part I'm ok, but I do panic at times, it's such a huge change for us. He's smoking again, I saw him smuggle a pack of cigarettes into his jacket. But we're getting along fine these days. He still gets on my nerves, but we're not at each other's throats.

I will hopefully have time to get to some real estate agencies this week and start the search again. I did get told about a place which would be ideal but it's a bit too far out of my way.

I have a lot of things on my plate, I've got lots of opportunities, I just need to figure out exactly what I want. Lot's of job options opening up for me, and I like them but I need to really concentrate and decide what I want for myself and what I think I can handle.

I am exhausted after a very intense week of work, I have only Sunday to rest up before another fairly intense week but it should be the last before getting things back on a normal spring track. March is always kinda crazy but luckily the weather is nicer, it was sunny and warm enough to sit outside on the patio and soak up some rays and produce some vitamin D.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

A week in Men continued

So apart from those men I mentioned in the last post there were another two involved in my week. 

One is my mother's ex partner. He is not mentally well, he is not socially capable, and he's just getting the hang of computers, social networks and even a few blogs. He's a very intelligent man, but has great difficulty letting go of my mother's death. He contacts me. He has been doing so for years but recently with his becoming more involved with his blogs he has been sending me emails, many of them. Last week he probably sent me a total of 12 emails. They were not directed at me, they were correspondance with others. Why? because he says he wants to keep me informed of what he is up to.

One was directed at me though. He asked me to pass on a message to a friend.... And this is where the second man comes into play. The second man is my sister's ex boyfriend, he cheated on her. She hates him with all her heart and will never forgive him for what he did to her. 

My mum's ex asked me to contact my sister's ex. How fucked up is that? So the story goes that my sister's ex wrote a comment on my mum's ex's blog thinking it was my dad who was writing the blog. So my mum's ex asked me to pass the message on that it wasn't who he thought it was.

I got the privilege of talking to my sister's ex on fb for a bit.... joy. I kept it short and sweet.

The saga continues. My mum's ex has been posting comments about me on photographs with a friend of mine, including a compliment to my friend's physical aspect as well as mine. ugh. 

I finally decided to write my mum's ex an email about flooding me with emails, I subscribed to one of his blogs, hoping he'd back off, and he did. 

I tried to convince him that he should let go of his guilt and not blame himself for my mother's shortened life. Apparently (he says) she blamed him for it. I told him he wasn't responsible.... who knows if he'll ever let it go.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

The Week in Men

It's been a strange week, a really strange week.

Office Guy
The Office Guy got back in touch with me this week. He's still a tad weird. I walked passed his office and politely smiled as I've always done. He barely managed to smile back. After a few hours I got an email from him saying that he thought I'd acted stuck up. I mean WTF I smiled at him. When I asked him in what sense he said that I hadn't paid attention to him. I loled and said that I'd smiled and it was him that barely got a smile back.

I got IMed by an ex of mine that I've mentioned before. He was a brief encounter in a year back home before deciding to dedicate my life to my bf and move here. Fact is that he's going through a separation and is leaning on texting me to placate his loneliness or something. It's a bit...ugh... I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't mind giving a friend an ear when they want to talk or vent... but he's getting into the habit of IMing me every day.

He basically spent an entire day IMing me about our relationship. The fact is he says he was in love with me. He said that I changed his life. I made him see that he was capable of being an attractive lover if he became more self assertive. I don't remember that. He also said that I'd told him that he was better looking than bf and better than the bf at sex. I don't remember any of that either. I barely remember the sex with him.

He also mentioned that his ego was boosted by the fact that I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes on. k that was an ego boost for me but not worth the bother of some guy I barely know IMing me every day. So now I'm forced to turn the FB chat function off in the evenings.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Retroflexed and retroverted

I'm not normal, I've always known I wasn't normal. But to this point?

This is a post that may cause some squeamishness... so beware. Do not read on if you don't want to know about my inner workings.

I always knew I had a retroverted uterus (tilted uterus) but my last visit to the gyno brought to light a retroverted and retroflexed uterus. I'm not one for writing medical things regarding my uterus on here, I've never talked about my periods or my reproductive health but today I'm going to break that rule.

A normal uterus viewed from the side looks like a sausage that sits on top of the bladder. A retroverted uterus leans back against the colon instead. A retroverted and retroflexed uterus is folded under itself pressing back even more on the colon.

Below are three images, the first is normal, the second is retroverted, and the third is me.

This condition is painful, to say the least, when my period comes round, not to mention when I'm ovulating. It causes colon problems just about always and apparently it's often a sign of endometriosis and/or pelvic inflammatory disease, neither of which I've been officially diagnosed with but that I (alone) have suspected for some time.

This condition can cause pain during intercourse, and I can testify that when taken at the wrong angle it's excruciating. 

It just plain sucks.

I have a plan though. I'm getting in touch with an american massage therapist. She works in Portland, Oregon, and does Skype appointments on self massages in the ancient Mayan technique of Arvigo. She sustains that the uterus can be corrected through this type of massage. At the very least it should ease some menstrual pain and colon pain.

My gyno appointment cost me 150 euros and was relatively inconclusive (no suggestions on how to deal with the pain)... this Skype appointment will cost me 67 US dollars.... I'm guessing the self massage technique will be more useful (if she agrees to see me and thinks it will help my specific case).