Thursday, September 28, 2017

Some days

Some days I feel like I want to hurt myself. I never do but I can clearly picture myself hitting my head against the wall so hard I bleed. I don't know why I get these images. I know it's usually out of frustration and anger but why would my brain decide that pain and injury are the best way to solve the problem?

Today is one of those days. And it's not really a bad day either but I've had a weird (non) argument with the bf. I need cheering up. I wish I had a distraction. Maybe my brain thinks pain is a good distraction.
There's also a fascination with injury and healing the injury. It's like there's a process that is significant and symbolic. I love watching things heal. It's this quantification of time in some way. I can track time by watching something heal. Normally I'm terrible with time. It's a concept that is a little foreign to me. I don't understand it really. But healing I understand. I can see the progress of it.

When I was with Rob, one of the best parts was watching the marks he left on me heal. The hickeys he left on my neck or the minor bruise I found on my arm would slowly, over a week or more, fade. What is the symbolism there? There's part of me that wishes the injury would leave a permanent scar at times. I wish I could have a permanent memory of an event. I suppose that's often why people get tattoos. I would want mine to be invisible or indistinguishable to others, something that only I can understand and recognize. But what's the symbolism behind wanting to watch something heal? I'm always a little sad when it heals mind you. I wish I could watch the progress forever.

Tattoos are something that fascinate me but only superficially. I've always been on the sidelines. If I got a tattoo it would have to be something in plain sight that no one would know is a tattoo. I was tempted to get extra freckles tattooed, something that I could see but that nobody else would know they were there. Like freckles in a constellation or in formation. But the healing factor is missing. It would be something that doesn't really morph or change. I can't track time with a tattoo and that's the element that fascinates me the most.
A cut would work. It leaves a scar, it heals and it changes until it leaves a permanent mark. But I'm not one to cut myself. Never have. I think I tried it as a kid once.

I'm weird. I know.
Would you make an incision on a girl if she asked you to, if you knew the reasoning behind it? It would be on a finger, a thigh or an arm... maybe an ankle or the foot... someplace I can see, possibly in plain sight for others even... I like the idea that people can see it and ask about it, it would be a reminder of that day, that event. Then I'd lie and tell them another story. Or I'd say I don't remember how I got it.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Fucking Neighbour Yet Again.

So some of you may remember my stalker neighbour. He was posting on fb narrowing his audience to just me and sending me what I now call private posts.

This meant that his posts were very specific and only I could see them but they still seem public. Sneaky and a little creepy because you're never actually sure they're for you. The only two giveaways are that: they appear at the top of your feed, as if you've been tagged, but you haven't; and that there's a gear symbol instead of the little people symbol next to the post. So It's a restricted audience but you can't possibly know who it's restricted to.

The function itself: to be able to send someone a post that only they can see is kind of cool... but used this way is very confusing and there's no way to prove it really.

My first tactic was to ignore the private posts. The second tactic was to ignore all his posts. If he continued I would either tell his girlfriend or call him out on it.

I called him out on it. After weeks of him not sending me any more posts I rode past him on my bicycle as he was getting into his car in front of our building. I courteously said hello and he said hi back. It was not the first interaction between us, but during the last one his girlfriend was there too.

Next thing I know, there's a private post for me saying (loosely translated) "give a person a compliment and they give you the cold shoulder". The next one said "kisses".

I decided to write him a message on fb messenger. I told him that his habit of flirting on fb via private posts was inappropriate and making me feel uncomfortable. I mentioned that I wouldn't want to get the wrong idea that he was hitting on me because I'm a friend of his gf and I figured she'd be really upset if she found out her boyfriend was behaving like that.

The letter went on a bit but that's the basic idea.

After I sent it he wrote back "private posts? sorry, I think you're mistaken."
I said "oh ok, I must be wrong then I was seeing certain specific posts that never got any public reactions, but I must be wrong then."
When I said that he said "people avoid me, I don't get many reactions on my posts but now I'm curious."
I then replied "Never mind I must be mistaken"

He's sorta gaslighting me! After our brief conversation I wasn't sure about myself and what I thought he'd been doing. My friend told me not to second guess myself so going back through his feed I'm now certain (I took screenshots of some of them), also he took the "kisses" post down, further proving my suspicion.
Now, the fact that he would deny it and then try to instigate more reactions/explanations from me with "now I'm curious" makes me so angry.  I mean buddy give it the fuck up. His best bet would have been to play dead, ignore my email and just cease and desist.

Another friend suggested I tag his girlfriend in his private posts to me... but I tested that out with a friend and it doesn't work. The person tagged can't see the tag or the post.

I'm very very tempted to send him a private post saying "playing with fire" or something similar or sending him a private post tagging his girlfriend just to scare him, even though I know she can't see it.

I'm a little afraid of making him angry. I'm afraid he'll stalk me harder looking to dig up dirt on me and I risk getting exposed on here. So I'll likely not do anything.

I am still contemplating telling his girlfriend. I had originally thought I'd give him this last chance.... but now I'm not so sure.

Friday, July 28, 2017

I'm back... I tried a pregnancy test!

Let's start with the strange stuff. last week I tried my first ever pregnancy test. I was five or six days late on my period. A couple weeks before the bf and I had fairly intense sexcapades, he always pulls out but there's always a chance.

It was weird, I wasn't expecting one result or another. Maybe I'm still processing. Maybe I'll burst into tears at some point. But I was fairly indifferent about the whole thing.
After day 4 of being late and complaining to the bf that I couldn't fit into last year's jeans I joked saying, maybe I'm pregnant and we laughed.

Is indifference even possible for me around this topic?

Anyhow end result: I wasn't pregnant.

I was however over a week late and well, that's when other thoughts of running out of eggs crosses my mind and I feel slightly depressed about it. Possibly more about the age than not having kids tho.... or maybe it's just me processing. Everything went back to normal eventually. 

I haven't been able to post regularly recently because I Apple is boycotting Google or vice versa as far as I can see it. They removed the Blogger app from the Apple store and the version I had on my phone obviously stopped working. So I'm forced to use my computer. I might be able to find another solution but for now my posts will likely be slower to come. 

In other news. I got around to altering that Beastie Boys shirt Rob sent me in his care package with the ceramic bowls ages ago. Which means I can wear it on a regular basis. I was a little scared to work on it, I didn't want to ruin it. But I'm happy with how it turned out. It was a colour that was too similar to my skin tone so I dyed it grey and then I cut the sleeves off and the neck off to make a tank top and put brass eyelets up the sides to make it a lace up. It looks good. I love it and wear it often. It is obviously a constant reminder of Rob. I wouldn't take it off if I had a choice.

There's a ton of stuff going on in terms of my inheritance and I have to go back to North America soon to sort some things out so I've been very busy getting things ready with that. I asked Rob if he wanted to come with me. I knew it wouldn't be possible but it was fun to fantasize about. I have a week right at the beginning where I will be alone without anyone to hang out with. So I thought I'd ask him if he'd join me. He said yes... but obviously he can't. We joked about it for a day, I even looked up flights for him, all in good fun.... I wish... I totally wish. That would be so cool.

Things with Co-W have been pretty usual. There was one minor slip on my behalf the other day. He had told me something and I contradicted him, and when I realized I was wrong I apologized. He was so smug about it he put his head in front of my face, with his ear next to my mouth and said, "say that again" when I apologized again, he came closer to my face with his ear and said "what was that?" so I licked his earlobe. 

It wasn't a decision. It was instinct. After it happened I just sat there stunned at myself thinking what was wrong with me. 

I couldn't concentrate for the rest of the afternoon and kept making stupid mistakes.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Not dead

I'm still here. I will be back soon with actual posts. So hi.... 

Thursday, May 18, 2017


Every time I lose a piece of my family I feel less tethered to this planet, like a helium balloon tied down with a lot of strings that someone keeps cutting. 
I feel like I'm going to fly high into the atmosphere and off into the nothingness of space. I feel like I'm disappearing. 

My uncle passed away last weekend. Mother's Day to be specific. He was my mother's brother and died of the same (non-smoker's) lung cancer she had. My mother passed away 12 years ago. She died young. So did my uncle. My grandmother passed just three years ago. She was 94. All on the same side of my family. That side of the family is gone now. There's nothing left. Sure I have my grandmother's brothers and sisters. But close relatives are gone. 

I wasn't close to my uncle, but I'm still sad. The whole thing brings up a lot of issues and guilt but especially memories of my mother's death. 

It will also bring change. Huge change I think. There's an inheritance. In my great aunt's words I'll be "set for life". It feels like something so foreign to me I can't quite comprehend it. Since I was a kid I've always struggled for money. 

But this massive change also brings a lot of questions. What do I want? What do I want to do with my life? If I wanted a kid the bf wouldn't have the 'financial' card to play anymore. He always said that we didn't have enough financial stability for kids. 

Do I want to travel for a while? 
Do I want to concentrate on my art career? 
Should I take over the art school when my boss retires in two years? 
Should I buy a house?
WHERE do I want to live?

The one sure thing I think I've decided is that I'll be cutting down or eliminating my English teaching. It's the only thing I know I really want. That, and doing something big for my mom. For years I've wanted to put together a book of her art and I'd like to finalize it. 

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Creepy neighbour update... I should number these.

Creepy is definitely the term I'd use, yet again, to describe my neihgbour's behaviour. I always had that sliver of doubt that the Facebook messages weren't just for me. Now I'm 100% sure they are. 
He started again. This time he's being more obvious about it. It had stopped. I hadn't heard from him in ages until I stupidly sent him a message asking if he'd heard the same motor sound on the property that I was hearing at night. I knew his gf was at work so I messaged him on fb about it instead. Stupid move on my part. I should have just waited and asked her about it. The motor ended up being a water pump that activated during recent rain storms. 

The past week he's been sending me private posts. Not messages. Posts, where the audience is just me. The first was a (bad and) sexist joke. There have been numerous messages in English. There was a video about ejaculation (from a Woody Allen movie). Today two posts: one saying how good my jeans looked on me. I was leaving the building, he was in his car parked out front so he saw me leave. Then he posted a song with the title (translated) 'If you Make Love the Way you Walk'. Lyrics like "I can't touch you, I can't taste you, I can't eat're with him..." Bizarre song. 

I'd have half a brain to screenshot his posts and send them to his gf. 
I'm tempted to send him a private post myself telling him to bug off but I don't know if that will just fuel his attention. I've never, ever acknowledged his private posts. 
I just like her so much I feel like a horrible friend not telling her that her long term bf... The first guy she went to live with... is a fucking dick. Ugh. Shoot me.
Who is dumb enough to go to such lengths for someone who clearly isn't interested and who is a friend of your gf? I don't get it.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Update on Wrist and Physio Hottie

So the final update on my wrist is that I don't need surgery. I will be continuing physio, although not with my current therapist. I managed to get put into the healthcare system and will be doing physio at the hospital... As soon as they call me. It will be a couple of weeks. 

During our last physio session the boy was distracted and somewhat distant. I finally found out what was going on. He broke up with his gf of 8 years the week he met me for my first sessions. I'm guessing he was/is an emotional wreck. Anyhow his interest in me dissipated or was transferred to whatever else, so our last session was as tame and boring as a bowl of steamed white rice. 

Since his interest in me has gone, mine in him has miraculously gone too. It's not uncommon for me to be attracted simply because there is attraction. Once that's gone my interest just dwindles. He was cute though. 

Anyhow my wrist is still the same. I can use it sparingly, with very careful and controlled movements. Any tiny distraction can leave me clutching my wrist in pain: turning the key too fast in the lock, pulling the car door shut too quickly etc... 

The specialist told me it would take a year. 
The doctor in rehabilitative medicine told me to start with 15 sessions of physio and added "which surely won't solve the problem entirely". 

It's going to be slow.