Saturday, August 6, 2016

Addressing the Issues

The bf and I had a talk.
I wasn't sure how it was going to go. I was so nervous before the conversation that I felt sick. He just texted me and said that he'd be coming over at 2:30. I had some fear that he was going to outright break up with me. I had my own doubts whether I'd break up with him. I knew that if our conversation was ugly I would be the one to say it was over.

The conversation, however, was not what I expected. There was more arguing, more discussion, more explaining but no tears or explosive anger from the previous conversation.

In the end he did not apologize and I accepted this fact. We are still together.

There is no decent explanation I can give to explain my choice except that the bf doesn't often try to dictate what I do. This was close to a first... I can't say for sure it was the first time but in the 18 years that we've been together I don't remember another time clearly. The fact that it came out as an order was not deliberate, or if it was deliberate, he certainly won't be trying it again after what just happened.
He could have worded things differently. He could have suggested rather than ordered, he could have asked, he could have expressed his concerns or doubts differently. I reacted to his words and the situation degenerated.

I will obviously be on the lookout for signs. I am in a constant state of questioning my relationship right now, and this seems to be a cycle I go through. There are ups and downs and I guess this is a down.

I appreciate each and every comment my friends/readers have left here: Canuck, Peter, Johanna (so happy to hear from you!), Lee, Anon1 and 2 whoever you are.  I know that my sticking with him may exasperate some of you. I don't know if it's the right choice. I truly don't. But for now, it's what's happening.

We're heading on holiday for 10 days. I'm hoping to see my stress levels melt. I feel like the internet, this country and reality is just really getting in the way of my happiness right now. I need to get away from it.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Meltdown

After the incident with the bf on Sunday we talked. We talked on Monday. I was upset, I cried, I was angry and I let out some of that, within reason. I was not harsh with him. I made it clear though that his comment hurt. He took it fine, he apologized for it, he showed regret for it and I told him: "you can say sorry all you want but if you cut off someone's leg, 'sorry' isn't going to put it back together."

Yesterday I was feeling more positive, I was still hurt, still angry but hoping he would be on his best behaviour so I asked him if he wanted to go to the beach Tuesday afternoon. It went well. We were good. By the time evening rolled around we had plans with friends and family to meet up. I went to get dressed. I wore a maxi-dress without a bra. Now, in summer I rarely wear bras anymore. It's 37°C most days and evenings are in around 33°C, I have small breasts but I try to be conscious of what I wear, in that I don't wear see through garments without a bra, and I don't wear things that are too low cut so that when I bend over I avoid men peering down my shirt.
The neckline on my dress came up to my collar bones almost.
He told me; outright ordered me to put a bra on.

Let me take a step back. A few nights ago (before the Sunday child comment) we were heading out just the two of us and I decided to go braless and he did the same thing. I refused, and he insisted. He said that I was just trying to attract attention. I refused again and he made a comment about asking to be raped. I got angry but controlled it and told him to be very careful about making comments like that, mentioning that women are not responsible for men's actions.

Back to last night. I asked him why I should put a bra on. His answer was that my "tits are hanging out". Which they obviously weren't, my dress was high enough and the cotton was certainly not see-through. Yes, my nipples were not taped up, but I'm personally not too bothered by that.
When I said no again and insisted that my "tits weren't hanging out", from there things degenerated. I told him that I could wear what I want and that he has no say in what I put on my body. I was furious. I did not react well. I'm sure that I probably went overboard in my reactions but this situation mixed with the bra comment from the other day mixed with the Sunday comment about kids, I just had a meltdown.

We sort of managed a half discussion at some point during the argument and he said that his main issue was that when he goes out with his friends and they see a woman dressed in certain ways, someone always makes lewd comments and it bothers him. So I told him that he should talk to his friends about the way they comment on women, not expect women to change what they wear. But this didn't seem to register with him. He was angry about my outburst instead.

We went out, handled the evening with friends and family, but didn't talk the whole car trip there or back and haven't heard from him today.
I have many things running through my head. My sister is trying to convince me to talk to him, maybe giving things some time to settle first. What feedback I got through the blog comments and Rob is that he's acting like a dick. I have an urge to cut things off completely. I think he mentioned it during our argument yesterday because I was saying that he was walking a fine and dangerous line.
I told him that between all these comments that things weren't looking good. And he said something about breaking up.

We're both really angry and I don't know how to fix my anger. I don't know if I have the patience to talk to him, to educate him on women's rights. That it's men who need to control themselves more. However, I am dealing with someone who grew up in a religiously conservative culture. He may not be outwardly religiously conservative but he has that background.

In fact one of the things he said to me was "I've always bought you short skirts, so you can't say that I normally have a problem with you dressing in certain ways".
My answer to that would have to be (since I didn't have the insight to say it yesterday) "so if you decide I can wear certain things it's ok, but if I decide to wear certain things it's not?"

I'm tired. So very, very tired.
We're supposed to go on holiday next week. Really not sure that is going to happen.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Burned

A single innocent comment. Except this morning all the innocent comments were on the cruel side. 
The last one had me in tears. I can't say that I'm perfectly emotionally stable, tears come easily these days. Had it been another day maybe I'd have dealt with it better but not today. 

We're at the beach and I made an offhand comment about not enjoying the constant sound of children screaming. His comment: "you're just envious because you don't have any of your own."
I was literally dumbstruck, I had no sarcastic comeback for him. In these situations I usually try to find something equally mean to say and we laugh about it, this time I couldn't think of anything. Half hour later my brain came up with "It's not my fault you're not capable of having them." 

I spent that half hour leaking tears quietly behind sunglasses and a hat. When he figured out that something was wrong he tried to talk to me, kept asking if I was angry with him. I kept telling him I didn't want to talk about it. Talking about it would have compounded the issue, he insisted on trying though, to the point that he apologized for the comment without me telling him. He figured it out on his own. Except his apology just made things worse and I cried harder. Asking him to please leave me alone. 

Same story as always, the decision of whether or not to have kids was not mine. It was his. I can't say I have a conscious regret of going along with the decision but if I were an external entity observing myself I'd say that I have a buried regret. 

The comment made me angry, it hurt, I found it terribly insensitive. It want intentional though, so what do I do? Ignore it?

Not sure how long it will take me to get over this one. The last comment related to children took me years to digest. I have the feeling this may take a a while. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

The Girl

Today I saw a girl. She made me turn my head, she made me want her. 

She was quite androgynous, boyish features, slim, petit, small breasts. She had a boy cut bordering on pixie cut, blond hair. She was wearing a crop top with her bathing suit underneath and a pair of cut off jean shorts. When she turned and walked past, the back of her small bathing suit was visible out the top of her shorts. 

It was the glance, she looked me straight in the eye and gave the slightest crooked smile. Maybe it's just me but there was something in that glance. It was like she was saying, I see you, you don't fool me with that man. I was with the bf. 

This is almost a first for me, I've only ever wanted another girl when I was drunk. I've never noticed girls checking me out.
I think that the culture here is so closed minded that it would be difficult for me to even try anything, if I were back home, it would possibly be different. 

Sometimes I wonder how important these experiences are. Is connection what we're all looking for? Should this be a goal or is there a point where we need to say 'I'm happy with where I am'?  

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Flirt and Gore.

Flirt
The only mildly interesting thing recently is that I've been super horny. It must show because Co-W unhooked my bra at work, it was peeking out the back of my tank top. He gloated about it after, asking if I'd met anyone who could undo a bra faster. He's right though, it was very fast. It was in front of other colleagues. I believe he was showing off for the other girl too. He tried it a second time but I managed to duck out of the way and I aimed a kick at his crotch but he dodged that too. Ah the joys of flirting, it's like being in jr. high.

I went for a walk today and went into a cafe, grabbed a croissant to go and the bar tender said that it was a pity I wasn't staying. I stammered, he laughed and said, "you weren't expecting that were you?"
I simply said I needed to get back outside in the fresh air. It was hot inside the cafe. I'd be tempted to go back... He was cute, nothing special, but cute. Had I been single I'd have made a point of going back, and often. Someone so openly approving gets me every time.

Gore
I gave myself a nasty cut. I have cut myself before but this time I cut halfway through the top of my thumb nail. I was chopping chocolate and came down on my thumb. It scared the shit out of me. I've never seen a knife just sitting half into my finger like that before. There was a lot of blood but it stopped really fast when I finally remembered to put pressure and raise my hand up. It's not that bad, but it creeps me out still. I think it's because of the nail, the fact that it can catch on things....ugh....cringe-worthy.
I was in such shock when it happened I was pale as a ghost and felt like throwing up. In reality, it's not that bad, it just really freaked me out.

Yesterday I went for an eye exam, I'd never had one done. I've got a lot of floaters and a new thing which is falling stars on occasion. The doc put drops in my eyes and after having a look, he told me that my vitreous liquid is too thick and occasionally sticking to/irritating my retina causing the stars. He says I need to drink more, except I already drink a ton. I also shouldn't lift anything heavy or move my head too fast, or do anything too strenuous for the next 20 days. Not sure why that is since the problem has been there for a year.

The drops made me hypersensitive to light, my pupils dilated to the size of my irises, and I couldn't do anything except lay on the couch in the dark and eat Rob's Doritos and gummy bears – food for wallowing – for hours and hours. The drops possibly gave me a headache but strangely I have another one today and the dilating effects of the drops wore off late last night so I'm not sure what the headache is from. On a side note I had no idea the drops would last that long. It was rather awful.

P.S. I am quite tired of the shit (violence/stupidity) going on in the world. I would like to bury my head in the sand until it's all fixed pls.

Zat iz oll fur tzudei.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Hunger Games

There is a hungry hole that lives between my legs and I fantasize about feeding it your cock. Her gaping mouth is wet, warm and so very famished, but the only thing that she seems to want is you.
I see images taking your hot, rock hard cock in my hand from the base. I see the rest of its length, more than enough for another handful, emerging out the top of my gripping hand as I guide you into that hot, dark, wet space and watch you disappear inside. I feel you as you fill that hunger over and over again. It's a game of give and take, fill and empty, wanting and having, as you pound me. First she's full then she's not, in and out infinitely. But what she really wants, what will satisfy her, is to be filled with your cum. She wants to drip with it, she wants to taste your semen inside her. She wants to feel your seed drip from between her lips and right down my legs. Your cock lapping it up and pushing it right back in where it should be. 

Monday, July 4, 2016

Approval Addiction

So I was browsing Youtube and came across a video that had me intrigued. It was about approval addiction. I only watched the video part way through. It was long-winded and I felt like I had the gist of it by half way.
His take on approval addiction was that we all have this innate need for approval, and some people even have an innate need for disapproval, hence why so many people tend to do horrible things and look for chaos. He said that it's the exact opposite of approval and therefore is still recognition. What's worse than either approval or disapproval is being ignored completely.

Up to this point I was right on the bandwagon with his reasoning. It was perfectly sound. However the viewer's question was "how do I get past approval addiction", and his answer did not satisfy me in the least.

His answer was simply to go without any sort of approval. To just live with not having that sensation. To live with the sensation of emptiness. And while that may seem logical, like quitting something cold turkey, I don't think it quite addresses the problem fully.

After so many years of seeking approval from everyone and every source, I've realized that I can give myself approval. I can actually get pleasure from self approval almost as much as getting it from other people. It takes some getting used to. It takes some practice too but I think it's possible. There was a point when I had to start getting off on what I was doing just for the sake of getting off. And at this point I'm talking sexually but this could be projected onto any type of approval I think.

Take this scenario:
I have moments of intense need of approval, needing positive feedback for pictures, my body, my self esteem etc. When I didn't get that approval for one reason or another, or it was simply taking too long, I learned to go back, look at the pictures, the video, and get pleasure in seeing them, as if others were seeing it too. It didn't matter that no one else was seeing it, as long as it turned me on, who else cares.

Sure there are times where I seek approval, I am still an addict, but much less so in recent years than in the past. It's part of the reason I started this blog. It was a form of approval again. And now, it still works even if I know that only a handful of people read it. My initial goal of accumulating followers has subsided and now I'm happy to write for myself.