Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Health Rambling Again. Apologies.

I had a mild panic attack yesterday. I'm guessing it was brought on by the fact that a woman came to take an art course at the school where I teach and she asked about my brace. Turns out she had fallen twice and was operated on, her hands and elbows. All sorts of damage. When I asked her about her hand injuries she basically described what I have, or may have (I go to see the doctor tomorrow). 
The ligaments in her hands were hyperextended. 
I know I have a torn ligament and often with these injuries hyperextended ligaments is the most common damage. She could barely hold the tools we use and her right hand had a bad shake. 

I'm terrified. There is a high level of detail I do in my work, with all of the art I do. I can't fathom losing the dexterity in my right hand. 

I am frustrated with the system here because if I want to use the healthcare system I need to wait over a month for an appointment with a specialist. The laws are that if it's 'urgent' they are supposed to guarantee an appointment within 7 days... But they can't keep up with the demand. So I have to pay for a specialist, which leaves me trying to find one that is good and available relatively soon. Plus it's expensive. 




Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Scared

I finally got my MRI done. I got the results and things aren't looking great. Oddly, I've got what I had initially diagnosed myself with. When I first heard the sounds my wrist was making I thought I had something called a TFCC injury. It involves damaged ligaments and cartilage of the wrist. 

When I got the second set of x-rays they found a pit on my pisiform bone and so I though that it was a fracture. 

After the MRI, it turns out that I was right. But I almost wish it were a fracture. This type of injury is not easy to fix and it likely needs surgery. 

I'm trying to stay positive. This kind of surgery is done with little incisions and cameras. It's not hugely invasive. But I don't think you can regain 100% of the hand strength. From what I have now it feels like an impossible jump. 

This sucks 



Thursday, March 9, 2017

Narcissism

Today I had a lesson with a student who has been coming for years now. He's a psychoanalyst. He'll be teaching sex ed to a group of middle school students in the next month. Here, where I live, they don't have sex ed as part of the program. This is a one-off thing that he got called to do. The parents of these students actually had to request it. On a side note, I find this entirely ridiculous. It should be part of the program. 
This morning we started talking about selfies and yes, it's all related, let me explain. 
So, in his opinion, selfies are something we do because we see ourselves seeing ourselves. It's not just a simple factor of seeing a picture of ourselves to try to understand how someone sees us from the outside. He believes it mimics motherly love. 
When a mother looks at her baby, there is a period in the baby's life when it can see its reflection in her eyes, he/she sees the affection the mother has for him/her. A selfie replaces that figure. We see ourselves looking lovingly at ourselves. 
This also means, that there's no distance between the viewer and the viewee which, is one and the same. 
What this does is it generates narcissism, we become self involved and lose connection with others. This bleeds over into sex. Nowadays we're all using the web for personal pleasure, porn is available all too easily. In the past magazines were used. Magazines left things to the imagination, it left the possibility of connection. Videos don't. There's no connection between participants in the video nor between the viewer and the video. And the viewer has no need to use imagination. 
In real life this leaves people feeling like the only thing that satisfies them is themselves. It is a completely introverted and narcissistic behaviour that doesn't allow for a partner. The partner could never, and will never reach that same level. She/he could never compete with self satisfaction and the ideals of porn.

It was an interesting topic. Something I've thought about quite a lot and it was cool to be able to talk to someone who 'gets it' and who has professional insight. 

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Rampant Incompetence

So remember that wrist story? I fell at Christmas and a month later went to hospital, well that was a month ago now and I've still got a brace on. I had to go back to the hospital last week to get more x-rays, they found a small irregularity that could be a fracture but they won't know until I get an MRI. The whole situation was a pain in the ass because one of the doctors yelled at me and made fun of me in front of other doctors or nurses, which was rather humiliating. He yelled that I had just been at the hospital not 10 days before, that I was fine and there was absolutely nothing wrong with my wrist... And this was after the x-rays. 
It was such a frustrating experience that I burst into tears right there. Plus I was already frustrated with the bf because he came with me to the hospital and then got angry at me for wanting to go through with the ER doctors that evening, even if it was my GP who sent me. He then refused to come in to see the doctor with me. I was so angry when I left, with both the doctor for yelling and humiliating me, and at the bf for not putting aside his fucking pride to come in with me. I'm sure I'd have avoided the situation or it would have been more manageable. 

I'm pretty sure my wrist is fractured, and I have a feeling it's fractured in a couple places. On the 10th of March I have the MRI and then I'll have to wait for the results for a week. Then I'll have another appointment with an orthopaedic doctor. So it will be a slow process. 

Meanwhile I sent a letter to the hospital about the jerk at the ER. 

The healthcare system here can be good but it can also be a nightmare. Not only did I get the jerk at the ER that evening, I also got an incompetent woman take the orthopaedic appointment. She put it in February instead of March. I was lucky that someone from the hospital called me asking to move my appointment to an earlier time that day and she caught he mistake, otherwise I'd have had to pay for the missed appointment plus I wouldn't have been able to see a doctor after the MRI. I'd have had to wait another month. 
It all makes me so angry. Grr. 

Not only that but I've had no real help regarding my wrist. The first doctor I saw said it was a sprain, the second said I had nothing. The only one who confirmed anything was a radiologist...

I've still got the brace on and it still hurts when I move it in certain directions. 
I'm worried about work, I've got a group of 5 students in mid April, that are coming for a specialized course that is MY specialization and without my right hand I can't teach it. 

Sunday, February 12, 2017

The Art of Masturbation

The title of Rob's most recent video. 

There's these overlapping, swimming images, alternating between aproximately four different videos. 
I sent most of them ages ago. One I had no memory of, another was much more recent. 

There's one where I'm wearing tight and very fucking short jean shorts and a lace top. One where I'm sitting naked, or almost, and pouring coconut oil onto myself. Another where I'm in fishnets and yet another where I'm just on the bed with a tank top. 

The background sounds are an intoxicating mix of me whispering desires and needs into a mic, my breathing and Mezzanine, a Massive Attack song.

The videos are often in split screen, sometimes it's a video box over the main view. Some clips border on black and white with an industrial steel blue feel to it, others a sort of Polaroid, slightly overexposed and warm toned. They have a filter of soft fairy lights. But there's this glitch. The glitch is brilliant, it's intentional, the video skips, the audio clicks and it repeats almost imperceptibly. I love the glitch. He's inserted it into numerous places. It makes the whole thing unique. It's industrial and harsh and contrasts the soft and sexy images. It gives it an imperceptible edge. Maybe it reminds me of his attention to detail and the fact that it wouldn't be there if he didn't want it there. I think too that It almost mirrors his personality in a way. This warm exterior with unexpected playfully harsh undertones.... Maybe we both have that. 

When I record a video for him I don't watch it. I will sometimes roughly edit them down so they're not too long, but I generally can't stand to watch myself. I can watch myself live, I can watch myself no problem, but once I lose touch, once I get closer to coming, I get embarrassed. I don't want to see myself cum in a video. 

He sent me the video the other day. I'd seen a version at a moment when I couldn't watch. But Saturday I took my time with it. I actually managed to distance myself from it enough that it turned me the fuck on. I came hard, it had been weeks since I came. It was delicious. 

I'm so fond of the videos he's made, I feel sort of bad that I can't show them to anyone. Don't get me wrong... I'm not posting them anywhere public. But man, I wish I could. They are awesome. 

Answers

The poetry of abandoned places, consumed by time and devoured by nature. There is a village in Africa where the desert is slowly taking back what was once her territory. Sometimes I feel like we are all just waiting, like the village, to go right back to nature. Back to whence we came. My body gets tired though. It is decaying as we speak. We all are. From the minute we are born we start decaying. We are simply moving toward closing the circle.

What makes it worthwhile are connections, emotional growth and what chemicals we manage to release into our systems and how often. That craving for oxytocin, the love chemical. It's probably the strongest chemical we have. I'm no scientist but I doubt there's anything stronger and more lasting than oxytocin. 

So the short of it? We're all here to get drugged up before we die. The important thing is who we get drugged up with. That's what counts. That and how many times we can get drugged up. Some people aim for the lowest count, others aim for the highest. 
Sometimes it's inevitable, sometimes we can choose. There's no right or wrong. Just cock and pussy juice running down my legs. That's all that really counts. 
The ancient civilizations all had it right with their female deities. The ancient Venus. The large bellied and large breasted, faceless and limbless statue.

Provocateur par excellence. The embodiment of sexuality. She IS sex. (She is what the warrior in me wants to become). The ultimate objectification of woman like the phallus is the ultimate objectification of man. That is the meaning of life. Therein lies the answer we've all been searching for. Reproduction. But not just any reproduction. Reproduction with the goal of more connection. Oxytocin. 

Friday, February 10, 2017

Missing Luck

I fell at Christmas. Almost a month later my wrist started really hurting and making horrific noises when rotating. 
I went to the hospital to get x-rays but they didn't find anything so I went to the emergency ward and they gave me the option of a cast or a brace.
I obviously chose a brace. It's my right wrist, so that's a ton of fun. I can still do minor things like writing and painting, thank god. 
The other day, I got a cold sore, it was so much worse than normal. The day after I broke out, the whole side of my face started hurting, pain, burning sensation, pulsing and even just to touch the skin or hair around my ears was agony. 
This morning I wake up, cold sore almost gone, but I've got blood in my ear. Scary fucking shit. So now I'm at the doctor's office. 
Waiting. 
Stupid.

...

She can't tell what's going on. She can't even see my eardrum it's so swollen. So, meds to take the swelling down, then we'll see. 

Gah... Feeling sorry for myself. Joy.