Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Submissive or Lazy?

I'm lazy. I'm really fucking lazy. I'm lazy in some things but not all things. One of those things is sex. I'm very happy to just lie there and get fucked. I'd much rather get fucked than fuck. I am a submissive lover, I wonder if it partly stems from my laziness. 
There are times when my libido is so strong I am tempted to throw a man onto a bed and fuck him, and I have done this numerous times. But if I had to choose, I'd definitely choose to be fucked. 
I'm happy just laying there while you slide your cock into whichever hole pleases you. I am not a strong woman, I'm not acrobatic, or one for a lot of bouncing, I get tired fast. I just want to take your cock any which way I can. I want to feel useless and used, helpless but helpful to your orgasm. Most importantly I want to feel worn out and worked hard. I want to feel exhausted and spent. To the point I can barely move. I am here, take every pent up emotion, frustration, anger, love, passion out on me. Use whatever you find, nothing scares me with you.  Traditional? Sure. Unusual? Even better. Dangerous? Try me. But I love that exhilaration. I love it when you do all the work. I love feeling your total control. Your guidance, your direction, your ingenuity. I need it. I crave it.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016


There have been very few occasions when I've cried during an orgasm. A couple with the bf and a couple with Rob. 
Neither person has ever noticed as far as I know. It's not like I break down into a sobbing mess. 

I'm not sure how long it's been since the bf and I had sex. But I do know it's been over a week since I've had an orgasm, even on my own. I've been incredibly horny for days. My nights were spent dreaming of sex to the point I wasn't sure if I'd possibly had a nocturnal orgasm the night before Christmas. But with the bf here I hadn't ventured into masturbating in bed with him sleeping next to me, even if I've done it numerous times before. 

This morning, after he got up for a few hours to let me sleep in, he crawled back into bed with me and we had sex. 

The orgasm was self assisted and it was frustratingly difficult to reach but when it came I screamed into his pillow and cried. 

The tear factor always confuses me. I'm never quite sure what causes it. There's this momentary and very intense sadness that hits me and I have no idea what I'm sad about in that very precise instant. It's obviously not just sadness, there's happiness, joy and most definitely a fucking huge release. 

It's this intense rush of emotions, chemicals flood the brain and muscles go into a frenzy. Fuck is it ever good. 

Saturday, December 17, 2016


When I get myself off without any visual aid I live inside my brain. It's an odd thing to analyze, I know because I've tried before and I'm not sure I was very successful. I'd like to try again. 
When I think of sex, when I fantasize about sex, my brain tends to choose a perspective or two. One is my own perspective. I visualize things as if I'm seeing it myself. However this is not my brain's preferred perspective. My brain's preferred perspective is from the guy's point of view. To the point of imagining what he would feel. 
My brain will switch back and forth between the two depending on what is more appealing. 
From the man's perspective I can imagine what it would feel like to thrust a cock deep down a throat. I can imagine holding a woman's ass as she's being fucked from behind. To be honest the woman is always me. Yes, this seems weird even to me. I can picture my (man) self fucking my (woman) self. But my 'man self' is not actually me. It's just me seeing through my partner's perspective. 

I imagine that on reason for my empathy; this capacity to feel what he is feeling, comes from porn. The imagery we see is almost always from his perspective. It has been engrained into my fantasies. I have never seen a porn video eroticize men like most porn does with women. I would be curious to see that. The only types of videos that do are gay porn, which is probably why I don't mind (though I don't actively search for it) gay porn. 

Another reason comes from my innate need to please. I want to please my partner so much that I embody his person's perspective. How else will I know if it pleases him? 

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Crafty Christmas

The holidays are always a difficult time here. Normally bf works on the evening of the 24th so I'm home alone. It's a little depressing. I miss the family dinners with chicken, stuffing and cranberry sauce and Christmas pudding doused in liqueur and flambéed.

I'll be home alone on the 24th again this year this year though we are leaving on the 25th with his family to visit a nearby city.

Last year was lovely. It was the first (possibly second) time I've had a normal Christmas while living in this country. We went to Florence for a night, we left on the 24th and spent it having a nice dinner. Then on the 25th morning we woke up and opened some small gifts in pyjamas. It was homey even if we weren't at home, or anywhere near a Christmas tree.

The holidays are always the hardest as an ex-pat. For me it's mostly Halloween and Christmas that make me homesick. Easter wasn't a huge thing with my family, although I do miss Easter egg hunts.

I've been super busy these days though. I've barely had time to think about Christmas. I've been making gifts for people. Every free minute I have is spent crafting something or other. Crafting keeps my mind off everything. It's better than sex... at least, it is at the moment, since I'm not getting any.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016


So the art school where I work is winding down for the year. Last week was the last course until the new year. I'm sort of glad because I was/am exhausted and I needed an easier workload. At the same time though I won't see co-w for a while. 

While I was at work on Wednesday I got a message from co-worker. It was strange though because we were working together. When I took a peek I saw this:

He sent me a picture of my own ass. 
It obviously had me laughing. 

He also came up to the students while I was about to explain something and he asked them to pay attention because I was really 'delicious'.... Everyone just stared. My eyes grew wide, incredulous, I may have flushed and then I realized and corrected him 'delightful!'. 

Later that day I sent him a text saying 'how do you know I'm delicious if you've never tasted me?' 

His response was: I dream your flavour. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

After Oblivion

My last post Oblivion was written in a moment of high sexual tension mixed with anxiety. I needed to get out of my head. I needed something to distract me so entirely that the effects would last for the whole night and part of the next day. Rob is the only true cure for that. 

I had sent him a text hoping he'd be free but he wasn't. I was horny but wasn't in the mood for a solo release. So I wrote the post, and then tried to read for a while. It wasn't working though. 
I turned to redtube, it was a passionHD video or something similar, it was working but slowly. Halfway through Rob texted me asking if I'd sorted myself out, I hadn't, and he asked me if I wanted some help. 

It was amazing. It was intense. He whispered to me until I came twice. It had been a while since it was so intense. Damn was the release ever good. Oblivion was exactly what I'd call it. It worked. 

Monday, November 14, 2016


"Fuck me tonight". 
I need to get out of my head and into yours. I crave your brain, it turns me on. I want to hear all the taboo things you'd do to me and more. Show me. Paint a picture of words. I want to let the whispers wash away every scrap of my being and make it new. Tell me I'm a slut and make me repeat it. Don't let me think for myself. I'm begging you. 
Hands working fast, body following suit, brain incapable of coherent thought. Help me give in, give up. Let emotions, feelings, sensations give way to sexual oblivion. Sweet ecstasy, sweeter release. Breathe. Regain self. Repeat.