Saturday, July 14, 2018

It's Done. Broken. Over.

It's been two weeks I think. I've lost track. It was a Thursday that I finally told him. The conversation was simple. So, so simple. I told him that I thought it was time to let go and he simply said yes. We talked about it. We hypothesized alternatives but none of them were feasible.

We took the weekend to think things over and met up on Monday. He needed to talk. He needed to set some records straight. He got a lot of things off of his chest and it wasn't angry or anything. It was simply pent up things that he needed to get out: those feelings he never managed to express all came tumbling out in the form of excuses and regrets. There were moments I could have answered, given my side of the story but I didn't. I avoided any conflict. I didn't want to get into any of it. I didn't want to create an angry break up or feelings of guilt.
The only thing I got into was the stuff around kids. And that upset him. Hearing about his behaviour around that made him angry with himself. 

He mentioned a few times that maybe in the future things could change. I said that I doubted it but that in reality there's never any guarantee of anything so who knows. I know deep down that it's over though.

We are still in touch, we have been texting a once or twice a week. He has taken almost everything from my place. There really isn't much left here. I feel sad and am in mourning of course, but I feel isolated and alone. I feel scared because 20 years with someone is a long time and I don't know where to go from here.

The week we broke up sucked ass. The cat got sick on the Wednesday, he had an allergic reaction to the vaccine. I had to take him to the Vet three times in two days to get injections and various medications. It was scary as fuck and I thought he was going to die.

One of the harder things I've had to deal with is telling people about the break up. They ask why and I just look at them blankly. I don't know why after 20 years it fell apart. I mean I do, but I can't exactly tell them the whole story can I? I've come up with the phrase, it became routine, the relationship just ran out.

The other major issue I've had is that I told my boss, she told one of my good friends (lets call him John) and he told his wife (Jane) and another friend in common (Ted). Great! I'm actually happy about that, it saves me from telling people. But then they pretend not to know. WTF?! And yesterday I find myself telling people and they pretend to act surprised.
After seeing the whole group yesterday without any mention of it I texted Ted and said "You know right?" and he said yes but not to mention it to John because he'd get angry.
I told Jane in person last night (who pretended to be surprised) and instead John (her husband and the one who told Ted) texted me this morning saying that his wife broke the news to him and that if I needed anything etc.

What pisses me off about this whole thing is the pretending that they don't know. That and the fact that they couldn't just send a message saying "hey, we heard... blah blah, if you need anything or if you want to go out let me know."
Even after I told everyone not a single one asked how I was or how the BF was doing. We've known some of these people for 20 years.

His family on the other hand has been amazing. His sister called me and told me that I am still part of the family and always will be. His nieces who I love very much texted me and told me they love me and that I will always be their aunt. Losing them hurts a lot. I love their company and they're such great people.

Now I just try to keep busy. I am planning a few trips. One is to the UK. Yes I'll likely see Rob.
The weird thing is that things seem to have turned around. There's a weird domino effect that happened after the break up. Financially my investments turned around and I got noticed by a local gallery. I walked in as an translator (I do translation work for them) wearing one of my jewellery pieces and they ogled it and asked me to bring in more so they could put them on their website to sell in their online shop.

Positive things happening in all this.

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

How did it go?

So the trip to Istanbul.... It was amazing to see my sister obviously. It had been a year. The bf was aloof the whole trip. It was like a teenager that doesn't want to spend time with his parents on holiday so he sits in a corner on his phone or wanders off on his own to see things without us while we're in a cafe having a drink.

He didn't behave badly per se. In fact I was expecting it to go much worse. I was expecting arguments, big ones. That didn't happen. He left a day and a half before me. This was planned. I wanted an extra couple of days with my sister. He had to get back for work.

My sister and I had the opportunity to talk alone one day. She knows the bf and she has always defended him and tried to convince me to hang onto the relationship. This time however she was different. She mentioned that she could be biased because of what I told her about my paranoia before coming out to Istanbul but she thought that it was basically time for a change. She told me that his behaviour on the trip seemed strange to her. He was acting weird. She had asked him what he wanted to do on his last day in the city and he answered that he didn't know, he hand't researched anything because he didn't want to come. Basically saying that I'd forced him into coming.
On another occasion while my sister and I were in a shop that the boys (hers and mine) weren't interested in, he took off for a pub next door. He didn't mention it to anyone, and when my sister's bf went and found him with his beer, he sat down and ordered one too. My bf got up and walked off to go see some shops. Sure there's a communication problem, the bf doesn't speak much English so they wouldn't be able to communicate much, but really?? he got up and walked away from a guy who sits down with you to have a beer?

I have talked about it with my best friend and I've gone over the options and I've thought about it long and hard. There have been a chain of hints lately that have brought me to the conclusion that it's time to break it off. I keep trying hard not to say the phrase "try to break it off". I am fairly determined this time. I don't know how it will go. I fear it will be very difficult. I can't see any way of breaking a 20 year relationship off easily. I haven't been crying but I did next to nothing today, I just sat on my bed or couch sulking. I have been close to tears. The bf made a surprise visit to my place today and saw that I was lackluster. He kept asking me questions about why I was so down. I couldn't answer. I wanted to tell him right then, I couldn't find my words, it's like I couldn't think of any way to breach the subject. It was also just a mere hour before a lesson and I didn't want to get into it really. I sort of did, but I couldn't find the words.

I'm not sure when I'll do this. I don't know when the best time is, for me or him.  I just want to get it over with and start moving forward.

Friday, June 15, 2018

Trip to Istanbul

Hey, I'm actually managing to keep this up... for now.

So I live far, far away from the rest of my family. Not just because I myself am an expat, but because all my close family are expats too. We all live in completely different corners of the world. My sister lives in Asia and will be coming to Europe (or close to it) to see me. She decided on Istanbul so I'm meeting her there.

Every time she comes to visit she comes somewhere close, but not to my home town since she's already been here so many times. This way I can meet up with her easily and have a quick vacation while we're at it. Every time she comes to the area she asks if BF will be able to join us and every time I ask him he hems and haws about it. Every time he says he doesn't know if he'll make it, doesn't know what his work schedule will be like. He says that if he goes on a holiday now he won't be able to afford our regular holiday in August. Since he's vague about whether he can come or not, it means that as my sister's trip gets closer she asks me the dates that WE're available, how many rooms in the apartment we should rent etc. Details that we need to settle before we travel and EVERY time bf stays vague and ultimately says he can't come at the last minute or only if I press him for an answer.
This has been three years now.

This year I got angry, I said that if it was an issue with money I'd pay for it, and lo and behold he accepted to come. I am regretting it now. I think it's going to be a nightmare, I may be wrong, but it's a gut feeling.

In the meantime I am seriously contemplating breaking it off again. If things go badly in Istanbul it'll be easier to do.

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

This Secondary Life I Am Leading is Fading.

Hi, It's Been a While.
Why am I coming back now? I've basically left this blog for dead. There are a number of factors as to why. Most of them being simply related to my waning desire to keep up with things on here. They trickle down into the fact that blogger pulled their app from Apple products so I couldn't update from my phone anymore, making it that much harder to keep up.

I wonder if anyone is still out there, if I'm on anyone's radar anymore. Don't suppose it matters much. I have a total of three friends from Blogger that keep in touch on occasion via email but I'm even bad at getting back to them. This secondary life I am leading is fading.

It's fading. I've lost interest. Or maybe I'm just growing up. I've lost my desire somehow. It disappeared a long time ago. Not even sure when. It's my desire to feel sexy, to be sexy, to want guys to notice me. I ignore it all now.

How are things going with Rob?
Well Rob is still on the scene, but in a somewhat distant manner. I saw him for a flashing instant online in a crazy kick to try getting off while bf was taking a nap the other day. Bf woke up and I had to hang up the video call. But before that, it had been over a year since I'd seen him I think... I may be wrong, it may be 9 months.... I honestly can't remember the last time I saw him in a video call. We may have talked in a normal phone call between then.
He asks me regularly when I'll come see him, and I regularly try to sort it out. I even look at flights, but then life gets in the way and I can't seem to sort it out. It's also hard to justify going to see him when I've already got another 3 trips planned for this year.

Things with the BF?
I'm at a point where I can't stand the BF. This is likely temporary though. I go through periods, as we all know. There have been a number of episodes that could warrant a post each but I'm not sure I want to get into all that detail. I'll break them down  briefly:

His Trip to Romania and Prostitutes: After a trip with a friend to Romania he received a phone call from (a different) friend while I was in the room. I could clearly hear the friend asking about the women in Romania. The bf got flustered and started talking loudly over him to try to shut him up. I got suspicious and wanted to look into his phone (he has a recording app that records all his phone calls). Didn't manage that until the next day and the call was gone. He'd deleted it. I confronted him about the phone call (not mentioning that I tried to find it on his phone) and he even offered to play me the recording so I accepted. When I did, he started to refuse to play it "why should I play it for you? Why should I give up my privacy because of you?"... suspicion rising... finally I confessed that I'd gone looking for it and it wasn't there. He was "surprised" and proceeded to spend 15 minutes looking for it. A long discussion about prostitutes followed where the final result was that he can't understand why I have anything against them (which I don't as people). But I do have an issue with the men who fuck them. He got really worked up about it and kept repeating "they're just people too!"".  My take on this is that there is a possibility he slept with a prostitute while on his trip or that he has used them in general. Something that I do not condone. He acted suspicious.

My Paranoia: I can't shake the paranoia. I honestly don't know if it's a part of my mood swings or what but I get to the point where I feel like I'm close to insanity. There are things that trigger me and I will go on a rampage through the bf's stuff, through his phone and wallet, I'll break into his apartment (which I never go to, even when he's there, but I have keys) and I go through everything in his house. The most recent event was triggered by an ejector tool for SIM cards that I found on the passenger seat of his car. He generally keeps it behind his phone under the silicone cover but oddly it was sitting on the passenger seat. When I started thinking he must have a second SIM card somewhere I searched his car, found another ejector tool in the cup holder where he keeps change. And yet another ejector tool in his wallet. However I found no secret SIM card. It got to the point that at 4:00am when the bf was sleeping at my house, I sneaked out of the house and rode my bike to his to see if I could find anything. Again, I found nothing. I'm still not convinced though.

The Cat: The latest issue is a birthday present. It was my 40th birthday this year. The bf got me a simple diamond infinity type ring. His relatives (nieces, brothers and sisters) were all asking him what they could get me and he convinced them to get me a kitten. This was his decision, not theirs. He went and looked for one online, did all the leg work and brought it home. Don't get me wrong, I love cats, I've always had them, and I've recently been contemplating the possibility of having one, but not a kitten. I would have got myself a shelter cat most likely a grown one.
Since the arrival of the kitten the bf spends more time at my house, uses his keys to get in when I'm not here, doesn't buzz me to open for him, just lets himself in and I feel guilty saying anything about it. He is really attached to the kitten, to the point that he calls it "his cat" jokingly. He distracts it constantly even when he's sleeping with me or playing with me, trying to call its attention away from me. The kitten was really attached to me when I first got it. It would follow me around and only sleep with me. I get the impression the bf has made it his mission to take that away from me. Spending as much time as he can with the fucking thing. I have gotten to the point where I want to tell him to take it to his place. I try really hard to not be possessive and jealous over this. However it's a very distinct impression that I get but I can't prove it so I don't know if I'm insanely jealous and imagining things or if there is some basis to my sensation. I know that if I point it out he would deny it he would call me crazy and get really offended. It would be a constant bone of contention after that.

 Sex, or Celibacy?
I don't remember the last time I had sex. It was a long time ago and it may have been a year ago... Maybe longer, maybe less.... it's really hard to say. I have no record of it. No wait... it just donned on me. I had a pregnancy scare. That was July last year.
What the fuck am I still doing in this relationship? Is sex this important or does a 20 year marriage to someone mean more than staying sexually active?
I mentioned this to Rob. He had three things to say: one was that bf must be getting it elsewhere. He asked surprised why he isn't fucking me. And he wants to be the first to fuck me in over a year.
Part of me is turned on by that and part of me is just sad. I've lost 90% of my libido. I don't really get horny anymore and if I get myself off it's something like a few times a month at most.

Why am I back?
Not sure. I felt like I just needed some space I guess. I needed a place to get this down, get it out, see it in a physical form. Try to get my head around whether I'm nuts, whether it's worth me holding on to something that seems to be non existent (my relationship with the bf). I don't know if it's worth it... How many times have I said this?

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Some days

Some days I feel like I want to hurt myself. I never do but I can clearly picture myself hitting my head against the wall so hard I bleed. I don't know why I get these images. I know it's usually out of frustration and anger but why would my brain decide that pain and injury are the best way to solve the problem?

Today is one of those days. And it's not really a bad day either but I've had a weird (non) argument with the bf. I need cheering up. I wish I had a distraction. Maybe my brain thinks pain is a good distraction.
There's also a fascination with injury and healing the injury. It's like there's a process that is significant and symbolic. I love watching things heal. It's this quantification of time in some way. I can track time by watching something heal. Normally I'm terrible with time. It's a concept that is a little foreign to me. I don't understand it really. But healing I understand. I can see the progress of it.

When I was with Rob, one of the best parts was watching the marks he left on me heal. The hickeys he left on my neck or the minor bruise I found on my arm would slowly, over a week or more, fade. What is the symbolism there? There's part of me that wishes the injury would leave a permanent scar at times. I wish I could have a permanent memory of an event. I suppose that's often why people get tattoos. I would want mine to be invisible or indistinguishable to others, something that only I can understand and recognize. But what's the symbolism behind wanting to watch something heal? I'm always a little sad when it heals mind you. I wish I could watch the progress forever.

Tattoos are something that fascinate me but only superficially. I've always been on the sidelines. If I got a tattoo it would have to be something in plain sight that no one would know is a tattoo. I was tempted to get extra freckles tattooed, something that I could see but that nobody else would know they were there. Like freckles in a constellation or in formation. But the healing factor is missing. It would be something that doesn't really morph or change. I can't track time with a tattoo and that's the element that fascinates me the most.
A cut would work. It leaves a scar, it heals and it changes until it leaves a permanent mark. But I'm not one to cut myself. Never have. I think I tried it as a kid once.

I'm weird. I know.
Would you make an incision on a girl if she asked you to, if you knew the reasoning behind it? It would be on a finger, a thigh or an arm... maybe an ankle or the foot... someplace I can see, possibly in plain sight for others even... I like the idea that people can see it and ask about it, it would be a reminder of that day, that event. Then I'd lie and tell them another story. Or I'd say I don't remember how I got it.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Fucking Neighbour Yet Again.

So some of you may remember my stalker neighbour. He was posting on fb narrowing his audience to just me and sending me what I now call private posts.

This meant that his posts were very specific and only I could see them but they still seem public. Sneaky and a little creepy because you're never actually sure they're for you. The only two giveaways are that: they appear at the top of your feed, as if you've been tagged, but you haven't; and that there's a gear symbol instead of the little people symbol next to the post. So It's a restricted audience but you can't possibly know who it's restricted to.

The function itself: to be able to send someone a post that only they can see is kind of cool... but used this way is very confusing and there's no way to prove it really.

My first tactic was to ignore the private posts. The second tactic was to ignore all his posts. If he continued I would either tell his girlfriend or call him out on it.

I called him out on it. After weeks of him not sending me any more posts I rode past him on my bicycle as he was getting into his car in front of our building. I courteously said hello and he said hi back. It was not the first interaction between us, but during the last one his girlfriend was there too.

Next thing I know, there's a private post for me saying (loosely translated) "give a person a compliment and they give you the cold shoulder". The next one said "kisses".

I decided to write him a message on fb messenger. I told him that his habit of flirting on fb via private posts was inappropriate and making me feel uncomfortable. I mentioned that I wouldn't want to get the wrong idea that he was hitting on me because I'm a friend of his gf and I figured she'd be really upset if she found out her boyfriend was behaving like that.

The letter went on a bit but that's the basic idea.

After I sent it he wrote back "private posts? sorry, I think you're mistaken."
I said "oh ok, I must be wrong then I was seeing certain specific posts that never got any public reactions, but I must be wrong then."
When I said that he said "people avoid me, I don't get many reactions on my posts but now I'm curious."
I then replied "Never mind I must be mistaken"

He's sorta gaslighting me! After our brief conversation I wasn't sure about myself and what I thought he'd been doing. My friend told me not to second guess myself so going back through his feed I'm now certain (I took screenshots of some of them), also he took the "kisses" post down, further proving my suspicion.
Now, the fact that he would deny it and then try to instigate more reactions/explanations from me with "now I'm curious" makes me so angry.  I mean buddy give it the fuck up. His best bet would have been to play dead, ignore my email and just cease and desist.

Another friend suggested I tag his girlfriend in his private posts to me... but I tested that out with a friend and it doesn't work. The person tagged can't see the tag or the post.

I'm very very tempted to send him a private post saying "playing with fire" or something similar or sending him a private post tagging his girlfriend just to scare him, even though I know she can't see it.

I'm a little afraid of making him angry. I'm afraid he'll stalk me harder looking to dig up dirt on me and I risk getting exposed on here. So I'll likely not do anything.

I am still contemplating telling his girlfriend. I had originally thought I'd give him this last chance.... but now I'm not so sure.

Friday, July 28, 2017

I'm back... I tried a pregnancy test!

Let's start with the strange stuff. last week I tried my first ever pregnancy test. I was five or six days late on my period. A couple weeks before the bf and I had fairly intense sexcapades, he always pulls out but there's always a chance.

It was weird, I wasn't expecting one result or another. Maybe I'm still processing. Maybe I'll burst into tears at some point. But I was fairly indifferent about the whole thing.
After day 4 of being late and complaining to the bf that I couldn't fit into last year's jeans I joked saying, maybe I'm pregnant and we laughed.

Is indifference even possible for me around this topic?

Anyhow end result: I wasn't pregnant.

I was however over a week late and well, that's when other thoughts of running out of eggs crosses my mind and I feel slightly depressed about it. Possibly more about the age than not having kids tho.... or maybe it's just me processing. Everything went back to normal eventually. 

I haven't been able to post regularly recently because I Apple is boycotting Google or vice versa as far as I can see it. They removed the Blogger app from the Apple store and the version I had on my phone obviously stopped working. So I'm forced to use my computer. I might be able to find another solution but for now my posts will likely be slower to come. 

In other news. I got around to altering that Beastie Boys shirt Rob sent me in his care package with the ceramic bowls ages ago. Which means I can wear it on a regular basis. I was a little scared to work on it, I didn't want to ruin it. But I'm happy with how it turned out. It was a colour that was too similar to my skin tone so I dyed it grey and then I cut the sleeves off and the neck off to make a tank top and put brass eyelets up the sides to make it a lace up. It looks good. I love it and wear it often. It is obviously a constant reminder of Rob. I wouldn't take it off if I had a choice.

There's a ton of stuff going on in terms of my inheritance and I have to go back to North America soon to sort some things out so I've been very busy getting things ready with that. I asked Rob if he wanted to come with me. I knew it wouldn't be possible but it was fun to fantasize about. I have a week right at the beginning where I will be alone without anyone to hang out with. So I thought I'd ask him if he'd join me. He said yes... but obviously he can't. We joked about it for a day, I even looked up flights for him, all in good fun.... I wish... I totally wish. That would be so cool.

Things with Co-W have been pretty usual. There was one minor slip on my behalf the other day. He had told me something and I contradicted him, and when I realized I was wrong I apologized. He was so smug about it he put his head in front of my face, with his ear next to my mouth and said, "say that again" when I apologized again, he came closer to my face with his ear and said "what was that?" so I licked his earlobe. 

It wasn't a decision. It was instinct. After it happened I just sat there stunned at myself thinking what was wrong with me. 

I couldn't concentrate for the rest of the afternoon and kept making stupid mistakes.