I can't seem to get better. I finally got some tests back and other than my usual kidney stones I don't seem to have anything, the H.pylori test came back negative. Typical. Story of my life. Maybe it's just the combination of kidney stones and my fibromyalgia that just don't mix. Hard to say. I thought I had gastritis, but my symptoms could be caused by the kidney stones, yet the ultrasound technician said it wasn't that. The stones aren't big enough.
So then my hypothesis is that the food poisoning I got in Panama came back...
I'll head to a gastroenterologist nest week if this doesn't clear up.
So yeah I've been neglecting the blog and I apologize for that.
I have a series of excuses but in reality there is no excuse. I should be trying to post more often.
1) I have been crazy busy. Co-W was away for one of our busiest weeks at the art school, my boss was a nightmare to work with.
2) It's September and I teach English so I have a buttload of new and old kids (and adults) who are starting lessons right now.
3) I have not been well at all. I haven't been well for somewhere around 3 months. At the moment I think it's kidney stones but there are other issues I'm desperately trying to sort out as well. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for an ultrasound and I have test results coming in next week to see if I have helicobacter and peptic ulcers (dread dread).
4) I have been spending all my free time with the bf or working on art rather than on the computer.
Rob asked me to create something artistic for him which I did and thoroughly enjoyed. I had to use quill pens and fountain pens and calligraphy which I haven't done in years. Plus I got to buy shiny new art supplies, so I have been sucked into the vortex of a new technique and have been entirely too enthralled by that. When I'm feeling well enough I sit and draw or paint or whatever you want to call this technique with a quill pen and beautiful gold ink. Good fun.
5) I haven't had much to say over the past while. But this is not a valid excuse, writing begets writing so I should simply do more of it.
6) when I do find some time to write I'm feeling lazy and would rather watch a TV show (also not a valid excuse).
So there it is, my valiant return to the blogworld. I hope all 4 of my readers are well.
Yep, I'm back.... here on the blog I mean. I got back from holidays a while ago now but I've been busy. That's not to say that I haven't had time to blog, I probably have, I've just been using that time in other ways.Work, beach, boyfriend.
First things first. How did the holiday go?
It started off terribly. We had a massive argument on day two. I think It was a combination of things, a lot of which was me still being really angry at him and not able to let things go. Every little thing seemed personal. If he ignored my street directions while he was driving I just automatically assumed it was because he didn't think my map was good enough, or that my directions were correct... There was some of that I think, I mean after I mentioned it to him, after the argument, he got much better at taking directions from me.TBH I can't even remember the rest of the argument but it lasted 2 full days. I remember one thing though that really made me angry and the reason why it lasted 2 days instead of just one and a half. On day two I came up to him and said, "do you want to talk?" and he refused. This was after a full day of cold shoulder. I personally have never sent him away if he wanted to talk. I have asked to put off a conversation because I had to work in 20 minutes and didn't want to get into anything, but I have never downright refused to talk to him if he came up to me.
So that day, I left, I went on a tour of the city we were staying in, alone, and had a lovely time. I took pictures and shared them on social media, I visited a castle and its herb garden, I had expensive iced coffee in a fancy café that he'd never have done with me (he's cheap, I don't mind most times but sometimes I like to treat myself), I had a grand time.
The rest of the holiday went really well. It is a beautiful part of the world and the beaches are especially spectacular, and I've seen some amazing beaches, Thailand, Philippines, Indonesia, but these were right up there with the best of them for beauty.
So what else is up...
I haven't been well. Even while on holiday I was not well. I have been slightly unwell for about 3 months now. I don't know what's going on, I had blood tests done and nothing much showed up, so now I have to get a couple other things checked to see what's going on. I think that's another reason why I've been so quiet recently. If I am home alone, which has been rare recently, I have been nursing a sore stomach or something. So a lot of laying around watching movies, laying on the beach, hanging with friends and yeah quite a bit of work too.
Today is the first weekend since we got back where the bf is working so I'm home alone. I got a couple texts off Rob today. But apart from that nothing else is going on. It's really super tame around here.
Last week at work, on Friday morning I wore shorts to work, I wear shorts to work often, it's not a new thing, but Co-W must have been horny because he looked at me from behind and growled "tight", (it wasn't a reference to my shorts being tight either (they weren't), but the word is used only in connection to muscle and tone). He then made huffing/grunting noises like an animal and mumbled something about my legs.
So yeah, that's my post holiday update! I hope everyone out in cyber-stalking-space is good.
The bf and I had a talk.
I wasn't sure how it was going to go. I was so nervous before the conversation that I felt sick. He just texted me and said that he'd be coming over at 2:30. I had some fear that he was going to outright break up with me. I had my own doubts whether I'd break up with him. I knew that if our conversation was ugly I would be the one to say it was over.
The conversation, however, was not what I expected. There was more arguing, more discussion, more explaining but no tears or explosive anger from the previous conversation.
In the end he did not apologize and I accepted this fact. We are still together.
There is no decent explanation I can give to explain my choice except that the bf doesn't often try to dictate what I do. This was close to a first... I can't say for sure it was the first time but in the 18 years that we've been together I don't remember another time clearly. The fact that it came out as an order was not deliberate, or if it was deliberate, he certainly won't be trying it again after what just happened.
He could have worded things differently. He could have suggested rather than ordered, he could have asked, he could have expressed his concerns or doubts differently. I reacted to his words and the situation degenerated.
I will obviously be on the lookout for signs. I am in a constant state of questioning my relationship right now, and this seems to be a cycle I go through. There are ups and downs and I guess this is a down.
I appreciate each and every comment my friends/readers have left here: Canuck, Peter, Johanna (so happy to hear from you!), Lee, Anon1 and 2 whoever you are. I know that my sticking with him may exasperate some of you. I don't know if it's the right choice. I truly don't. But for now, it's what's happening.
We're heading on holiday for 10 days. I'm hoping to see my stress levels melt. I feel like the internet, this country and reality is just really getting in the way of my happiness right now. I need to get away from it.
After the incident with the bf on Sunday we talked. We talked on Monday. I was upset, I cried, I was angry and I let out some of that, within reason. I was not harsh with him. I made it clear though that his comment hurt. He took it fine, he apologized for it, he showed regret for it and I told him: "you can say sorry all you want but if you cut off someone's leg, 'sorry' isn't going to put it back together."
Yesterday I was feeling more positive, I was still hurt, still angry but hoping he would be on his best behaviour so I asked him if he wanted to go to the beach Tuesday afternoon. It went well. We were good. By the time evening rolled around we had plans with friends and family to meet up. I went to get dressed. I wore a maxi-dress without a bra. Now, in summer I rarely wear bras anymore. It's 37°C most days and evenings are in around 33°C, I have small breasts but I try to be conscious of what I wear, in that I don't wear see through garments without a bra, and I don't wear things that are too low cut so that when I bend over I avoid men peering down my shirt.
The neckline on my dress came up to my collar bones almost.
He told me; outright ordered me to put a bra on.
Let me take a step back. A few nights ago (before the Sunday child comment) we were heading out just the two of us and I decided to go braless and he did the same thing. I refused, and he insisted. He said that I was just trying to attract attention. I refused again and he made a comment about asking to be raped. I got angry but controlled it and told him to be very careful about making comments like that, mentioning that women are not responsible for men's actions.
Back to last night. I asked him why I should put a bra on. His answer was that my "tits are hanging out". Which they obviously weren't, my dress was high enough and the cotton was certainly not see-through. Yes, my nipples were not taped up, but I'm personally not too bothered by that.
When I said no again and insisted that my "tits weren't hanging out", from there things degenerated. I told him that I could wear what I want and that he has no say in what I put on my body. I was furious. I did not react well. I'm sure that I probably went overboard in my reactions but this situation mixed with the bra comment from the other day mixed with the Sunday comment about kids, I just had a meltdown.
We sort of managed a half discussion at some point during the argument and he said that his main issue was that when he goes out with his friends and they see a woman dressed in certain ways, someone always makes lewd comments and it bothers him. So I told him that he should talk to his friends about the way they comment on women, not expect women to change what they wear. But this didn't seem to register with him. He was angry about my outburst instead.
We went out, handled the evening with friends and family, but didn't talk the whole car trip there or back and haven't heard from him today.
I have many things running through my head. My sister is trying to convince me to talk to him, maybe giving things some time to settle first. What feedback I got through the blog comments and Rob is that he's acting like a dick. I have an urge to cut things off completely. I think he mentioned it during our argument yesterday because I was saying that he was walking a fine and dangerous line.
I told him that between all these comments that things weren't looking good. And he said something about breaking up.
We're both really angry and I don't know how to fix my anger. I don't know if I have the patience to talk to him, to educate him on women's rights. That it's men who need to control themselves more. However, I am dealing with someone who grew up in a religiously conservative culture. He may not be outwardly religiously conservative but he has that background.
In fact one of the things he said to me was "I've always bought you short skirts, so you can't say that I normally have a problem with you dressing in certain ways".
My answer to that would have to be (since I didn't have the insight to say it yesterday) "so if you decide I can wear certain things it's ok, but if I decide to wear certain things it's not?"
I'm tired. So very, very tired.
We're supposed to go on holiday next week. Really not sure that is going to happen.
A single innocent comment. Except this morning all the innocent comments were on the cruel side.
The last one had me in tears. I can't say that I'm perfectly emotionally stable, tears come easily these days. Had it been another day maybe I'd have dealt with it better but not today.
We're at the beach and I made an offhand comment about not enjoying the constant sound of children screaming. His comment: "you're just envious because you don't have any of your own."
I was literally dumbstruck, I had no sarcastic comeback for him. In these situations I usually try to find something equally mean to say and we laugh about it, this time I couldn't think of anything. Half hour later my brain came up with "It's not my fault you're not capable of having them."
I spent that half hour leaking tears quietly behind sunglasses and a hat. When he figured out that something was wrong he tried to talk to me, kept asking if I was angry with him. I kept telling him I didn't want to talk about it. Talking about it would have compounded the issue, he insisted on trying though, to the point that he apologized for the comment without me telling him. He figured it out on his own. Except his apology just made things worse and I cried harder. Asking him to please leave me alone.
Same story as always, the decision of whether or not to have kids was not mine. It was his. I can't say I have a conscious regret of going along with the decision but if I were an external entity observing myself I'd say that I have a buried regret.
The comment made me angry, it hurt, I found it terribly insensitive. It want intentional though, so what do I do? Ignore it?
Not sure how long it will take me to get over this one. The last comment related to children took me years to digest. I have the feeling this may take a a while.
Today I saw a girl. She made me turn my head, she made me want her.
She was quite androgynous, boyish features, slim, petit, small breasts. She had a boy cut bordering on pixie cut, blond hair. She was wearing a crop top with her bathing suit underneath and a pair of cut off jean shorts. When she turned and walked past, the back of her small bathing suit was visible out the top of her shorts.
It was the glance, she looked me straight in the eye and gave the slightest crooked smile. Maybe it's just me but there was something in that glance. It was like she was saying, I see you, you don't fool me with that man. I was with the bf.
This is almost a first for me, I've only ever wanted another girl when I was drunk. I've never noticed girls checking me out.
I think that the culture here is so closed minded that it would be difficult for me to even try anything, if I were back home, it would possibly be different.
Sometimes I wonder how important these experiences are. Is connection what we're all looking for? Should this be a goal or is there a point where we need to say 'I'm happy with where I am'?