Wednesday, July 12, 2017
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Every time I lose a piece of my family I feel less tethered to this planet, like a helium balloon tied down with a lot of strings that someone keeps cutting.
I feel like I'm going to fly high into the atmosphere and off into the nothingness of space. I feel like I'm disappearing.
My uncle passed away last weekend. Mother's Day to be specific. He was my mother's brother and died of the same (non-smoker's) lung cancer she had. My mother passed away 12 years ago. She died young. So did my uncle. My grandmother passed just three years ago. She was 94. All on the same side of my family. That side of the family is gone now. There's nothing left. Sure I have my grandmother's brothers and sisters. But close relatives are gone.
I wasn't close to my uncle, but I'm still sad. The whole thing brings up a lot of issues and guilt but especially memories of my mother's death.
It will also bring change. Huge change I think. There's an inheritance. In my great aunt's words I'll be "set for life". It feels like something so foreign to me I can't quite comprehend it. Since I was a kid I've always struggled for money.
But this massive change also brings a lot of questions. What do I want? What do I want to do with my life? If I wanted a kid the bf wouldn't have the 'financial' card to play anymore. He always said that we didn't have enough financial stability for kids.
Do I want to travel for a while?
Do I want to concentrate on my art career?
Should I take over the art school when my boss retires in two years?
Should I buy a house?
WHERE do I want to live?
The one sure thing I think I've decided is that I'll be cutting down or eliminating my English teaching. It's the only thing I know I really want. That, and doing something big for my mom. For years I've wanted to put together a book of her art and I'd like to finalize it.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Creepy is definitely the term I'd use, yet again, to describe my neihgbour's behaviour. I always had that sliver of doubt that the Facebook messages weren't just for me. Now I'm 100% sure they are.
He started again. This time he's being more obvious about it. It had stopped. I hadn't heard from him in ages until I stupidly sent him a message asking if he'd heard the same motor sound on the property that I was hearing at night. I knew his gf was at work so I messaged him on fb about it instead. Stupid move on my part. I should have just waited and asked her about it. The motor ended up being a water pump that activated during recent rain storms.
The past week he's been sending me private posts. Not messages. Posts, where the audience is just me. The first was a (bad and) sexist joke. There have been numerous messages in English. There was a video about ejaculation (from a Woody Allen movie). Today two posts: one saying how good my jeans looked on me. I was leaving the building, he was in his car parked out front so he saw me leave. Then he posted a song with the title (translated) 'If you Make Love the Way you Walk'. Lyrics like "I can't touch you, I can't taste you, I can't eat you....you're with him..." Bizarre song.
I'd have half a brain to screenshot his posts and send them to his gf.
I'm tempted to send him a private post myself telling him to bug off but I don't know if that will just fuel his attention. I've never, ever acknowledged his private posts.
I just like her so much I feel like a horrible friend not telling her that her long term bf... The first guy she went to live with... is a fucking dick. Ugh. Shoot me.
Who is dumb enough to go to such lengths for someone who clearly isn't interested and who is a friend of your gf? I don't get it.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
So the final update on my wrist is that I don't need surgery. I will be continuing physio, although not with my current therapist. I managed to get put into the healthcare system and will be doing physio at the hospital... As soon as they call me. It will be a couple of weeks.
During our last physio session the boy was distracted and somewhat distant. I finally found out what was going on. He broke up with his gf of 8 years the week he met me for my first sessions. I'm guessing he was/is an emotional wreck. Anyhow his interest in me dissipated or was transferred to whatever else, so our last session was as tame and boring as a bowl of steamed white rice.
Since his interest in me has gone, mine in him has miraculously gone too. It's not uncommon for me to be attracted simply because there is attraction. Once that's gone my interest just dwindles. He was cute though.
Anyhow my wrist is still the same. I can use it sparingly, with very careful and controlled movements. Any tiny distraction can leave me clutching my wrist in pain: turning the key too fast in the lock, pulling the car door shut too quickly etc...
The specialist told me it would take a year.
The doctor in rehabilitative medicine told me to start with 15 sessions of physio and added "which surely won't solve the problem entirely".
It's going to be slow.
Sunday, April 9, 2017
My inner warrior came out of her hiding place just in time to play.
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I stumbled upon this quote and found it fabulously appropriate for myself. I thought it was perfect for a picture I took yesterday. Plus I haven't posted pictures in ages. I've hidden another pic on the page somewhere. There are a total of three including the one you see here. It's spring!
Friday, April 7, 2017
I went in for physio again today. God that guy is hot. Today he asked me if I had a younger sister. When I asked why, he said that he likes blond haired blue eyed girls. He also admitted that he's single.
While I'm a little disappointed that he asked if I had a younger sister (made me feel kinda old lol... He's 28... 10 years younger than me), I'm guessing that it was a slightly unfortunate excuse to flirt. There's this uncomfortable silence when we do the physio if we're not talking. We're both too shy to really talk much so that doesn't help either.
But I now understand why people get pulled into spending money on prostitutes or masseuses. I'm totally tempted to get massages from this guy.
In fact I almost wonder if he uses his good looks and flirting to gain customers... I mean purposely. He hinted right off the bat that he has a private practice as well (I've been seeing him at a centre he works for). He also sent me a link to a hand strengthening tool on Amazon through Whatsapp so he has my phone number and vice versa.
I need an excuse to not use him anymore. If I can get the healthcare system to cover my physio I'd have to change therapist. At the moment I'd feel bad switching without a good reason. He's good at what he does and I'm guessing he can use the money.
Visions of massage therapist porn videos run through my head, I get myself off thinking about it.
Bad, very bad.
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
I was told to do physio for my wrist. Lucky for me the physiotherapist is this young and very handsom guy of 28. Even though he's 10 years younger than me I can't help thinking he occasionally flirts with me. It's hard to tell though. He's extremely quiet and rather shy.
I've had a hard time relating anything sexual to my physiotherapy apart from him acting as eye candy because the therapy has me in tears almost every session.
The first day I went in he said that he thought we could get through the pain and regain movement without surgery. On day three an intern came in and took a look at my file and we were all dubious about how I should proceed. They both suggested I go to a specialist at the hand surgery clinic in another city.
Today he started a phrase with "I thought of you last night..." And me, slightly surprised said "Oh, really?" I was a little disappointed when he said that he thought I should avoid sugery at all costs. I was half expecting him to just leave me hanging.... Leave me wondering what he'd been thinking about me... at night.
He also mentioned reading some stuff about my country of origin. It was mildly flattering. Sometimes I'll catch him stealing peeks at me while he thinks I'm not looking. We both keep our heads down while he flexes my wrist but still I catch glimpses out of the corner of my eye.
As for my wrist I'm not sure how I'm doing. It's very hard to gage. I have some bad days and some good ones. After physio everything hurts and swells. But then I have more range of movement in my wrist. The morning I'm stiff as hell and everything is in agony, not to mention the swelling pulsing and aching at night. I was up at 4:30 am today from the pain.
I'm reserving the possibility of getting myself off to thoughts of him taking me on the massage table. It's a fantasy that I'll make use of at some point I'm sure.