Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Today was impressive. I’m having a hard time coming to terms with it. I texted Rob telling him I’d be on line this afternoon since BF was at the beach. He answered “MAYBE”. 

We met up on Skype at 3 o’clock local time. We chatted about things in general. I had recently written him an email that explained the situation with our druggie nephew and so we had the opportunity to talk about that again. He had some interesting advice and insight that I will keep in mind. 

We spoke about the other night... The story he told me has been on my mind for over a week now. I can’t get enough of that story. It’s one of my biggest fantasies and then coming from him. involving him just goes beyond hot for me. “It’s all in the detail...”  he says.

I think he liked the fact that it got me so hot because today he mentioned writing some of these stories down, getting them into short stories. 

I told him that some people use their sexual tension as a source of inspiration. He answered that I was his source of inspiration. I don’t handle compliments easily I blushed and had trouble answering.
I mentioned that I had been thinking about the story he told during the late nighter. He wanted to know what exactly I had been thinking about, what was my visual for getting off really... When I told him that my visual was his cock in my mouth, a friend of his showed up at his place and he had to log off. That’s when he called me on my cell phone. Oh yes... on my cell phone.... Heart racing... 

He has only ever called me once before. That was before our innocent meeting in Birmingham. He called me and I couldn’t speak, I was so nervous and speechless. I didn’t know what to say... It was pretty embarrassing really.

This time it was a really nice conversation, 5 minutes (I hope he didn’t spend too much money on it) of friendly chit-chat with a little flirting. It was amazing to hear his voice again, it brought back so many memories of the day in Birm. I couldn’t remember his accent, I couldn’t remember his voice exactly. I had been meaning to call him myself as a surprise. I keep looking at my credit on my phone and thinking about it.

Today is one of those days. One of those days when I’d have given up just about anything to be with him physically even just for a few hours. A touch... a hand... anything...

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Naughty and Nice.

This weekend I was a good/bad girl. I spent both Saturday and Sunday evening on chatroulette. I started out being good, just chatting to people. Then I started getting naughty I started playing a game with the guys on there.

I wanted to see how many guys I could get off without taking any clothes off... hmmm.

With just teasing I got 4 guys off today (only two yesterday, I didn't play as long)... it takes longer than I expected... anyhow I had tons of fun. I love teasing.

Most guys didn't mind me not taking anything off. They like the idea of what they "might" get to see.

I did have one very interesting encounter today though. It was a crossdresser. He was laying spread eagle belly down on a bed with a pink wall behind him. He was wearing white stay up nylons, a pair of lacy mesh white panties and a kind of white floral corset. He had a blond wig and was pretty darn hot... Apart from the fact that he was a man... he had a great ass. We actually had a pretty decent conversation. He was from Latvia. And he told me he wasn't gay, but that he liked to dress up as a woman, that it turned him on.
I'm guessing he might have been gay curious at least, otherwise why else go on chatroulette dressed as a woman if you're not looking for a man...

Anyhow it was interesting. Nothing happened we said goodbye and went our ways.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

how to reach multiple orgasms

I want to figure out how to have the same multiple orgasms that I had in my one and only so called wet dream. I think there may be a lot to learn from that experience. Everything is in the mind, that was brought on without any stimuli whatsoever.

My body was relaxed too, it wasn't the usual orgasm where you tense up, curl your toes kind of thing. I think that may be one of the keys. It possibly has to do with the slow building of the orgasm and staying relaxed.

Usually after I've had the first orgasm it's a strong one, my body and muscles are tired from it. But if the body could stay relaxed then the multiple orgasm would be easier to handle physically. I've even had two orgasms one right after the other, but never the "wave upon wave" of orgasms that I was experiencing during my dream. It was a completely different sensation.

Staying relaxed would mean that it would take longer. I never really thought about it but tensing my legs makes the orgasm come on faster and stronger. Leonhart mentioned it in one of his posts a while back and it got me thinking.

Does anyone have any advice?

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Jared Leto is Wise.

"Don't regret anything you do, because it makes you who you are"

-Thirty Seconds to Mars video

I thought I recognized the singer... It's Jared Leto... Who knew?? haha I didn't....

A good philosophy. I wish it were as easy as that.

Or maybe I should be looking at it the other way around... Don't do anything you might regret, that way it doesn't define who you are. 


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Down and Out...

Despite a slew of good things that have been happening around me and for me I'm feeling down. I got a huge tax return of 1000 euros, yay. I got a package from my dad with books, music and movies... yay. I got given a whole bunch of cool broken watches to make stuff with, yay. I got the liquid fimo I was looking for that I was told didn't exist here in my little town, yay.

And yet I'm still feeling down. I wonder if it's like the down after the high of a drug, maybe Rob was my high and now I'm feeling down. Maybe it's just the weather that has been sucking some serious ass lately rainy and cold like winter. Today is the first bit of warm sun I've seen in over a week.

I even went to lunch with friends today, and still couldn't pick myself up. I get the feeling that bf has figured something out. He keeps repeating that I'm tired of him, he says it a few times a week. I nod jokingly and smile, but deep down something isn't right. Things are slowly falling apart, but it's happening so slowly that it's almost invisible. It could take years to degrade completely. I wonder what is best.

Wow, I'm boring. Same old same old.

Here's something interesting... I got an email from the Italian chatroulette guy. He's going to be in the area around the 10th of July... He asked me if I'd be around. I answered that I would but that bf was home and I wasn't sure how to orchestrate a simple meeting for coffee. I honestly just want to meet up for coffee. nothing more. He answered that I should send the bf off on holiday, little does he know about the huge fiasco in bf's life at the moment.
I'm hoping something will work out for a friendly meeting.

Monday, June 21, 2010


It's so very tempting...
I'm slowly trying to get myself back into gear with the blog. I've been really bad about updating. I'm sure that my readers have depleted greatly.

I say tempting because the whole reason I was compelled to write here today is because I met up with Rob last night. But I'm going to leave the heart of this story sit for a while. It was an amazing night. I went to bed at 4am. Luckily I don't have to work mornings this week.

I have so many questions, so many doubts, so many things I want to know.

There are things I don't understand.... but I feel strange asking them after knowing him for so long.

I'm heading to London next May for a big concert there. It's a definite date, my friend has already bought the ticket. So that's the excuse. Bf doesn't want to come to the concert. So I'll be on my own.

I just have to figure out the logistics of staying with a friend and trying to meet up with Rob.

Sooo last night. from 11:45 to 4am. Lots of chatting we were both in a good mood, and both talkative. We hadn't seen each other in ages so I guess we had built up a bit to talk about.

He confessed that he kissed a girl in a pub while with "the guys". It was a kind of drunken macho competition. It didn't make me jealous. I'm not sure why. Things like that usually do make me jealous. This story turned me on. It wasn't just an innocent little kiss. It them kissing and her rubbing his cock through his jeans.
He said he was shitting himself the whole time. When she asked him for his number he said he needed to go to the washroom and then took off with his friends.

He also said that he didn't want to tell me about it because he thought my opinion of him would drop. Hah... Fact is that I'd have done worse had I been given the opportunity.

Funny thing is that he said at one point "I've kissed you" to say that I shouldn't be jealous of the girl he kissed because we have kissed.... but we haven't kissed. I was confused and asked him about it. His answer was "we had a little kiss didn't we" (no punctuation in his answer makes it difficult to understand the inflection). I said no, and then he said, "I kissed you on the cheek, doesn't that count?"

I can't figure out if he actually thought we kissed or couldn't remember. It was a strange thing to say... especially when it's all I thought about after our meeting. All I wanted was that kiss, I would have been satisfied for a first meeting with a kiss. But it was left up in the air, we didn't act on our instincts. It took me months to get over the thought of us kissing at the train station or along the canal in Birmingham. It kinda drove me crazy.

We are obviously two different people. We remember different things and elaborate memories differently.  Or maybe I'm out of line completely and he just meant to talk about the kiss on the cheek he gave me as a goodbye. Although I don't really remember it. I mean I remember a hug, I'm not sure there was a kiss there. It was a year ago now. I read back to my "meeting III" post and there's no mention. I may have overlooked it while writing or just hadn't paid attention to it. It's so common to get cheek kisses here in Italy it may not have registered on my brain. I'll try not to dwell on that.

From there on I'm going to leave the memory of last night to myself for a while. It was good. As good as "The Belt" or better, but perhaps too good to spoil on a blog post today. Let's just say that I have memorized the story for future use. I will go back into skype at some point and re-read it too....


On another topic completely. Bf's family situation has not changed much except to say that the nephew went home to pick up some stuff. He had a shower, changed, had dinner and then wanted to walk away without talking. They pleaded him to stay, pleaded him to get some blood tests done. Neither of which he wanted to do. He says he's not stupid, that he smokes the hash, but doesn't do the heavy stuff. He knows what it does to a person he says. He also said it wasn't his stuff. Quoting him, "some guy asked me to take it somewhere for 50 euros, what am I going to do, say no?"

It's hard to know how honest he's being. He has stolen money from the parents, lied, they found him work and he didn't go.... It's frustrating for everyone. The mother is terrified he'll turn up dead somewhere. She's hoping they'll arrest him. He does need someone to scare some sense into him.

I'll be back sooner this time....

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Crack or Crank?

Today I feel like things are just falling apart around me. There seems to be no end to it all.

Bf's brother was in hospital for three days doing a massive chemo treatment because he'll be doing a stamina cell transplant soon. He just got home yesterday.
Yesterday I had to go to a funeral of sorts. A colleague of mine's husband just died. Neither of them were very young, he was 77, but they had only been married for 3 years, and he got cancer of the pancreas and died.

When I got home bf told me that we had to go to his brother's house to talk about their son. I've mentioned their son before. He has been selling drugs, mostly hash and marijuana for a few years now. He's about 20. Yesterday, yes the day his father got home from three days in hospital, and the mother found different drugs in his room with a wad of cash. She called her cousin to see what it was and they called him and told him that he was kicked out of the house.

We got to bf's brother's place and the wife pulled out the drugs to show us. It was LSD tabs and something that was a light yellow crystalline chunk of some kind, individually wrapped. It looked bad. I don't know a lot about drugs, but I know enough that it wasn't a good thing. I can handle seeing LSD tabs, but this crystal shit looked bad.
In the meantime we spoke to his brother about the situation and he blew up, almost in tears, didn't want to deal with it, blaming the wife type situation.

I came home a mess last night, went on internet looking for the drug, and only two kinds of drugs, that I could find, come in light yellow crystal chunks:
1) Crack Cocaine
2) Crystal Meth (in this format called CRANK)


Fucking shit hell of a bastard.
He's 20, possibly selling Meth or Crack in discos with LSD, he has a 14 yr old sister in the house and a father who's sick with cancer!?!?
And I wouldn't doubt that he's on meth himself.

Bf has now gone out to look for him, with his mother. Trying to convince him to go into therapy... Riiiiiight....

Right so that's where I am these days.... anyone got some meth so I can escape?? heh..... jeeeze...

Thursday, June 10, 2010


I have been neglecting my blog recently, I apologize for that. I will write an update very soon. In the meantime I found THIS article which has answered many of my questions. I now feel like a weight has been lifted. Understanding is half the problem.

I hope it can help someone else....