Thursday, May 28, 2015

An Odd Sensation

It's something that happened the other day, possibly for the first time, and it felt odd. I feel like I need to put it into words so that maybe I can understand it better.

The bf and I were having lunch at his place and I needed to go home and he needed to go to work later that afternoon and since it was a nice day I decided to walk home. I don't live too far from him. He decided to walk me half way home. We got to a bridge, over the train tracks, he noticed some locks on the fence (a lover's thing in these parts), I said thank you and see you tomorrow, we kissed, we kissed again and we looked at each other and parted ways saying goodbye.

Normally when we go our separate ways, either we're in the car, or at his place or at my place and we kiss goodbye and that's that.

There was something different about this separation. Something about the fact that it was half way and we both had to walk home from that mid point. Something about the kiss, that was more real, more noticeable than normal.

I can't explain it. It was odd, but a good odd. It's like things were good, but different.
Even once I've put it into words I still can't describe or explain what it was.
Just an odd sensation I guess.

Sunday, May 24, 2015


It all happens all at once and it's just one horrible thing after the other.

When I wake up in the morning I check my emails. I do it to try to stay awake between alarm clock snoozes. I'm thinking I should change this routine and hit youtube instead, save emails for when I'm fully functioning and awake.

I got three emails from my sister yesterday morning, they were forwarded from my great aunt. They were yet another dagger stabbing into an already gaping wound but to be able to explain the pain and fear I need to briefly explain my family situation.

My mother died of lung cancer. She was not a smoker. She died when I was in my mid twenties, 10 years ago.
Shortly after she died my aunt, my father's sister, died of breast cancer. Both were devastating on me. They were horribly young deaths and while I wasn't super close with my aunt it hit home really strongly because my cousin was about my age.

There was a few years interval with various other horrible family things, many of which I've written here but most of which regard the Bf's family, including his brother's fight and triumph over cancer, his son's fight with drugs and his daughter's fight with suicide which just recurred again, not to mention my maternal grandmother's death at the age of 98.

A year ago however, and I can't remember if I mentioned this or not on here, my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It was a rough time with that, though I do know that the prognosis for prostate cancer is very good. He is fine, he is under relatively good care and I try hard not to worry about it.

Back to the emails from yesterday morning.
The emails from yesterday morning were to tell my sister and I that my uncle (my mother's brother) has stage IV lung cancer, the same lung cancer my mother died of. It had metastasized to his bones and that's how they discovered it. My great aunt (my grandmother's younger sister) is obviously very shaken by the news. She wrote us insisting we come back to N. America to get tested because the doctors say it's genetic.

When I read the emails I burst into tears from a slew of different emotions. Fear, sorrow, anger helplessness... I can't even describe the various sensations. Mainly it brings back horrible memories of my mother's illness. I was never that close with my uncle. He's an odd person, mentally not quite right and while I always hug him when I see him, I've never spent time with him.

I'm terrified. I've been terrified since my Aunt died. Having cancer in the family, ALL my closest relatives with the exception of my two grandmothers (and my sister), all have or have died from cancer. Is it genetic when brother and sister die of the exact same cancer at about the same age when no-one else in the family had the same cancer or was there some external factor, something at their school, or something they were exposed to?

Monday or Tuesday I'll talk to my doctor to see what kind of tests there are. Just to be on the safe side I'll probably have to get tested once a year.

Friday, May 22, 2015

More Neighbour

So my conversation with the Neighbour actually continued after my post. I thought it was over, I thought I managed to cut it short. But when I posted other pics I got more messages from him. He complimented me on the other pics and mentioned my Instagram... That's when I took the opportunity to call him a born hacker. 
He actually apologised for being invasive. He admitted to having looked up all our neighbours too. He also realized that it was his gf who had told me, he said 'looks like I've got a spy in the house'. As if he didn't know his gf and I were talking. ...Weird. 

Anyhow I still don't know what my opinion of him is. I can't really understand if it's friendly harmless flirting or if I should be very wary of this guy. 

Thursday, May 21, 2015

The Neighbour is back...

I changed my profile picture on FB today. When I change my profile pic I occasionally get a private message from an ex boyfriend who tries to flirt with me. Today I got a private message from my neighbour. Yes folks. He's back.

It was a mound of compliments about it. I have to admit it made me feel good. I am flattered. But I really shouldn't be interacting with this guy. I really don't want to egg him on. We chatted for a bit. I tried to cut the conversation short a few times, just answering with a fb thumbs up or something but it didn't dissuade him from talking more. I hate being rude so I politely respond. Bad... bad me.

This isn't our first online interaction since those fateful posts... There was a recent episode where I was working down in my basement and he came down and startled me as he went into his laundry room. He just said 'Hi good morning'. And I answered back politely but I was obviously startled.

Later he asked if he had scared me and I admitted that he had but that it wasn't a problem and that I am often in my own world when I work. Blah blah it was a conversation... again that was difficult to cut off.

I can't pinpoint how I should view this guy. Whether he's SUPER shy and trying to hit on me or if he's a jerk.

Lately my outlook on men is rather dismal. I've had one too many weird or negative experiences and I've kinda lost faith in them. Maybe a polyamorous outlook is my destiny.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Lingering Ethereal Disconnections

Words. I need to see words in print today. The physical things rather than just ethereal shadows in my mind as they are thought.

When I first started playing online I was doing it as an adrenaline rush. It was like a drug. It was addictive because it gave me that boost, that high. It felt so good, I was euphoric. I've come to fear those encounters now. The net is a scary place. It's all too familiar. All too close. It feels like it's too easy to see someone you know or worse, get into some sort of nasty situation like bribery. Despite all my fears it's not why I've stopped stripping on camera for fun. I had work arounds, I had people I trusted that I could get off with.
I soon realized, though, that stripping and getting off wasn't what I was really looking for. I was looking for approval. I was looking for a boost in self esteem. To get that boost, connections had to be made. When you start making connections people start having expectations, they start wanting a more emotional connection or possibly a more physical one, based in reality.
If I wasn't in a position to give that connection then there was the risk of hurting that person, and vice-versa, if I wanted that connection and they weren't willing, I would get hurt. That is what scares me now: Hurting people or getting hurt.

Today I feel like I've lost all connection, for whatever reason I just don't feel it. With anyone. Whether that be online or in my 'real' life. I feel utterly disconnected. I'm not sure what is causing it. I'm sure there's an explanation. I'm likely the one responsible for it. I'm sure it's something in my own mind, in my own behaviour even, but I can't pinpoint what it is or how to fix it.

I've had it before and it is generally a temporary feeling. Today it's strong enough for me to put it into words but it's been lingering for quite some time now in the shadows of my mind and heart.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Brain Chaos.

Things in my brain have calmed down... because it's my brain that creates the chaos and difficulties that I perceive. Sure, there are external factors too but it's magnified by my brain.

The niece is no better, still in the psych ward and still very difficult to deal with. She's fine with me, but a monster with her parents yet they seem to be dealing with things slowly and painfully but steadily.

As with the bf I had a discussion with him. It was painless and quite easy. We talked about sex but it was a conversation that didn't seem to resolve anything. We need to talk about it again. I have issues, he has issues and for now we acknowledged that they are there and we voiced some of them. Now to work through them and get past them.

The weather is good, it's hot... and that does things to me. It makes me horny... I've got pictures planned but whether I'll manage to find time to get any up is the main issue.

I need a vacation.

Friday, May 15, 2015


I'm feeling a little better today. Yesterday I spent most of the day trying desperately not to cry and being mostly unsuccessful. I even got hugs from people at work as I burst in to tears there, it was a stressful day. Not only that but things with the bf were getting to me and things were piling up.

The bf was better about the whole situation yesterday and today. He came with me to the hospital briefly today. I didn't stay long either mind you. She seemed to be in good spirits but that's likely a show. She's not really ok. We know that.

At work the CoW walked up to me, real close, looked me straight in the eye about 4 inches away and said that I was 'super beautiful today' and continued to say 'but yesterday...' and didn't finish his sentence. He was brushing up, touching my hand and jokingly inviting me into one of the back rooms at work today too. it was a nice distraction. It's funny how he finds me super attractive at my lowest point. Maybe he's attracted to my vulnerability.

I invited CoW out for drinks today since we have a student of ours from our trip to Corfu who is in town. He said he might come if I promised not to seduce him. When I told him that I promised, he said he didn't trust me. He was working so the texts stopped and eventually got back to me saying that the appointment was too late and that he couldn't make it, he had to get home to his family.

I got a care package from home today too. That definitely cheered me up. It had all sorts of things that I love from people I love. It was heartwarming. It's times like these that I really miss my friends back home and wish I could just meet up for coffee or spend a weekend on a tiny island curled up on a couch with my best friend.

As regards to the bf there's all sorts of stuff I need to work through and that we both need to work through together. He said some things the other day that later, thinking back, made me really angry. I've put them aside for now but we really need to talk. Things are so busy though that we've barely been able to meet up. Yesterday I had the whole afternoon free but I was too angry and too upset to be able to deal with anything. It will be the project for this weekend.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Hey World..... FUCK OFF

Today is not a good day. I am overwhelmed with frustration, anger, anxiety, hatred, sadness, desperation and helplessness. There are too many negative and complicated things going on and as usual, all at the same time.

I feel like telling the world to FUCK OFF and I feel like crawling under the sheets and curling up in the foetal position and staying there until the world decides to fix things.

Remember this post? Well she tried suicide again. This time though she's calling out for me. She's insisting I come to see her in the psyche ward. She called her mother frantically, desperate to see me. Her mother in tears on the phone to me begging me to help her.

The bf is barely taking an interest so to speak. I understand his distance, I accept it, and I almost agree with it, but at the same time I'm left stuck in the middle. He has no comforting words for me after I've had to see her in piteous conditions numerous times and that bothers me. I feel like slapping him into reason. I feel like forcing him to deal with the emotions. I can barely talk to him about it. He doesn't want to listen. I'm just so angry with everyone. Irrational, I'm sure... but it's the only emotion that keeps me sane right now. All the men in the family, the bf, the girl's father, their other brother are so fucking incapable with their emotions its incredible. I'd like to kick them all in the nuts and tell them to get their fucking acts together.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

What next?

Who are you sleeping with?

Would I stay with the bf if I found out he's cheated on me? Would I forgive him? Would I turn things around myself and make another serious go of our relationship? 

We had a discussion the other day. It was about sex and the lack thereof. He blames me. Maybe it's true. It doesn't feel true but maybe it is. 

We've had this discussion before, and the ugly part is he brings up sleeping with other women each time. Both prostitutes and simply other women. I don't think it's fair. He asks me what I'd do if he were sleeping with someone. Or he says that all sorts of men can't go a week without sex and would resort to a prostitute. 

It feels like threats. Or maybe he's testing the water to see what would happen if he admitted it. 

I feel, right now, that I don't trust him. I feel like he's sleeping with others and maybe it's been the case for a long time. Possibly longer than my thing with Rob. 
It's a gut feeling tightly connected to the fact that he mentioned it. And to the fact that he's been shaving his cock and pits for 2 years. If we aren't having sex, or only rarely, why shave? And why even start now? 

This fear of him having been with others scares me out of having sex with him too.  The thought of not knowing where his cock has been scares me. 

Maybe I'm projecting though. Entirely possible. 

I also feel somewhat justified for not engaging in sex with him... A woman's logic is a spectacular thing....I feel like since he refused to even consider a family with me that sex and our relationship can be on my back burner. Why should I invest energy if he won't. 

Do I expect too much? Probably. And my logic isn't exactly sound, I know. I'm totally aware of my double standards too. 

Question is, now what?

Do I confront him with my questions and my trust issues or just try to go along with our new plan to fix the sex, putting everything else behind me? 

Friday, May 8, 2015

Curbing the Anxiety

Spring is in the air. Maybe it's even summer, it's hot here today. It's sunny and all I want is to sit in the sun and lounge around or go for walks. It also means my mood is improving. Winter makes me a little lethargic and wanting to hide from the fog and rain in a warm, cozy cave.

I talked to Rob for a chat this week. It had been a while since we chatted and it was making me edgy. Every time he had time I didn't and vice-versa. Finally the other day we both had time, we had even set up a time. Then I get a call from the bf saying he was at the grocery store getting some stuff. He wanted to stop by after and have lunch, I said yes, but when I realized it meant I couldn't talk to Rob I got frustrated to the point I called the bf making excuses for him not to stay for lunch. The excuses were real motivations, I wasn't feeling well, I didn't want to eat lunch, and I told him that him coming made me feel anxious about getting things done before going to work. It was true, but it also meant some time to myself... and Rob.

So he came over dropped some things, stayed 5 mins then left. It probably wasn't the nicest thing for me to do but it was the best solution. 
Fact is, no matter how I try to deny or logically talk myself out of it, if I go too long without talking to Rob I get antsy and anxious. I've learned to deal with it over the years (mostly recently). I've learned to control it and not go into overdrive, but it still sucks. So by talking to him I'm able to curb the anxiety. If I hadn't made that time, I could have gone weeks possibly, feeling anxious and frustrated.

Maybe it's an old abandonment issue from when my parents divorced. Or maybe it's a trust thing. Who knows where it comes from but the effects are very real and affect my mood and therefore my everyday life. I wish I could be anxiety free. That would change my life.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Neighbour update

So I've kept my eye on my neighbour's posts and they've all been public since that day. 

I went back to look at the posts I imagine were aimed at me a couple times but no one commented or 'liked' them. Today I went back to check again and the three main posts were gone: the poem, the French post and the QR code. 

The post about pizza vs marshmallows and the 'feeling creative' posts were still up. They were the only ones I'd acknowledged by liking. This some how tells me they were for me. The fact he didn't delete those posts makes it pretty clear. 

Now I'm starting to feel bad for his gf. I won't tell her, I have no proof or certainty but he's a total jerk at this point. Right? He knows we've become friends and he tries to come on to me?!