Friday, December 30, 2011

Accepting myself in different ways.

I haven't been on in ages due to the holidays. My dad came and went, it was nice to see him although unfortunately he and his wife caught the flu on the way here and were sick most of the time. It was pretty frustrating for everyone.

But what I'm really here to talk about is butch lesbian girls.
Ok so what got me on this topic was a character on a reality tv show.
Now to make things confusing she looks A LOT like a cute guy and with the dubbing into Italian I couldn't figure out whether she was a girl or a guy so I looked her up. But to be honest I found her hot, finding out that she is a girl almost turns me on more. It's enticing. I've never been totally attracted to women... I mean I love a woman's body, but I've never found a woman that turns me on just thinking about her. But this woman did and that surprised me.

I haven't had sex in ages. I've only

I have possibly found a solution to all my problems. My neighbours are moving away in March. I might take into consideration renting it and then subletting to tourists on occasion while using it as my own studio space.


what else....

gah, I remember what it was I was thinking about....

I believe that I've never really liked my body. I probably have a hard time accepting myself for some reason. This is partially why I do what I do... why I'm constantly looking for approval or praise about it. It's something that I've known about myself or at least thought about myself but never wrote it out or admitted to it. So there it is.... in black and white I probably need to work on that.

Oh and I don't like skin... in general... Never look at it too closely it's pretty nasty.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Thoughts on Men, and Questions (at the end).

I haven't written a post in a while. Life takes over, especially around Christmas time.
My father is getting here on Thursday, and I still haven't finished doing everything I need to do before he gets here. Plus I have a million people to make little gifts for. I made all my Christmas gifts for friends this year.
Yes I can be crafty as well as artsy. So I got busy and made all sorts of things. But it's time consuming and somewhat stressful.

I haven't had anything really substantial going on these days. This is another reason for not writing I guess. I tend to get distracted by little things and concentrate less on boys on occasion... it doesn't happen all that often buuut I guess it's that time of the year.

I'm totally addicted to a new photo app on my iphone (sounds off topic, but it's one of my distractions lately), I love taking pictures, editing them and posting them to see what others think. There are so many cool people out there taking great pictures on their phones or other cameras, and editing them, making them artistic, pieces of pure creativity. I just love it.

I talked to Rob today... tonight, in the dark, whispering, words gliding over me, my hands cold running over my body as he told me what to touch and how fast to go. His offenses, calling me a slut, turns me on so much. We don't talk a whole lot when we're getting off. We're both shy that way. We stare at each other a lot. He's got a little more guts than I do, and he talks more. I love to listen to his voice.
We didn't stay on to talk after either, although sometimes I'd love to, but he's just not the type to hang around. Is that what's called the "Alpha male " syndrome? lol... in for the chase and then gone after? ah well I don't mind we have our chats during the day.

Last week we had a great conversation that lasted probably 1.5 to 2 hours. It was just chit-chat about whatever. I'm not sure he realizes how much I love those, or how much they turn me on after I hang up the phone. Nothing sexual passes in the conversations except for the occasional, "when are you coming", "are you going to fuck me again?" type questions. But after we get off the phone I end up getting so worked up. Maybe it's like a Pavlov's reaction to his voice or accent or something.

As for work, things have been ambiguous with Co-Worker as usual. I Honestly don't know what to make of him most of the time... and I've been ignoring him. A few of the instances that had me confused were:
-walking up to me within an inch of my face and staring me down, only to walk away in utter silence after I ask "what?" quietly. (same one as described last entry)
-Walking up to me after my other co-worker notices I'm wearing perfume and sniffs my neck within a distance that I can feel his breath on my shoulder.
-giving me little encouraging nudges and pats for a job well done.
-we even joked about kisses, and he asked me to plant one on his cheek, it was in front of our clients and I did not obey.
-we also had our first argument of sorts. It's a long story but in the end we were both right, and he basically got frustrated at me for having blamed him (in a roundabout way) for his forgetting to tell me something,  he did tell me but not on time. He thinks that it wasn't his place to tell me in the first place.
Whatever... in any case he got over it pretty quickly.
-He helped me with my dad's Christmas present idea.

Ignoring means that I haven't been flirting at all. I've been joking around, the usual stuff, just none of the typical touchy or me making it obvious. I think that could be why he's started with his games again.

He's just a player. But I do plan to do a little experiment on him to see his reaction. I'm planning to try his walk up close and stare game. See what he does. I've never done it to him. Except we won't be working together until a while after Christmas... so it'll have to wait.

Women do little experiments on you.
Did you know that?
I'd love to hear a man's voice. I'd love to find out if men do the same.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


Christmas is on it's way. My father is coming to visit for a week around the holidays. I'm really excited about it. I just wish I could be in India with him and my sister at the moment. I'd just love to have that opportunity again... will it arise? probably not.

Things with bf have been going surprisingly well. I have "moments of quite desperation", that I'm not sure whether I surpress or overcome. I can't quite tell right now. I still feel the urge to get out.
We had some decent sex the other night. I've been suffering from kidney stones again so it wasn't anything spectacular, but I did get off.
I've learned that if I want to get off when we have sex the first time after a long dry spell, I really have to work at it. A lot of clitoral stimulation, but it works and it seems to turn him on.

I even tried getting him to talk to me. But it didn't really work. I guess I kinda put him on the spot, but I eased the tension immediately taking things (literally) into my own hands

I have been planning... and scheming, and yes I think I'll be heading over there again to see him. In March probably. We've talked about it quite a bit, and this has also stimulated more frequent contact, or maybe not, maybe it's just me, and I've had some extra free time.

I love the little things with him. We caught each other on Skype one day, it was a nice conversation, nothing sexual, just random thoughts and stuff like two old friends. But I later got an email simply stating how he enjoyed our conversation but that he was looking forward to getting some pussy. It made me smile.

I later decided to send him a pic of my town. I've never sent him anything of where I live. I felt a bit strange doing it. But he liked it.

Then last night we got each other off online. Every time we get off, he takes time to just watch me. He holds his phone up, horizontal to his body, over his face, and he just watches. I love love love the look on his face when he watches me.

I haven't really been working much, things have been slow at work. I did go in the other day for an hour or so. When I arrived, Co-Worker blocked my path, stood square in front of me 2 inches from my face and stared me down. He just stood there, not a word. It's not the first time. He does this on occasion. At least once a week when I'm working my full hours there. I still can't understand what it means, if anything. But I re-read my offline diary entries from Greece and I've realized that I need to trust my gut instinct more.
I ignored it my whole trip with him. But I was right all along, so I need to stay true to the senses I get.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Hide N' Take

I had a few free moments this morning while bf was out getting groceries. And Since I have some new photo apps on my iphone I figured I'd play around with those for HNT.
*And yes, there are three pictures to find again this week.*