Friday, September 30, 2011

Boys boys boys

What can I say has been going on... what interesting things?

Well, last week as I was having lunch alone, the travel agent got in touch with me. We got to talking about life in general, (his father recently passed away) but in reality he just wanted to talk dirty I think. We got to talking about latex somehow. And he ended up sending me the link to a video of three women in latex. I admit, I'd never wear latex. I think it would probably look terrible. But the idea turns me on... probably the fact that it's tight and shiny... and well... slutty...

Anyhow he ended up sending me a pic of his cock. That's how the conversation ended because then I had to go to work. Needless to say I was horny for the whole day.

Work with co-worker has been relatively normal. There's been less flirting than before Greece, I often get the feeling he's avoiding me. But then sometimes he'll just come right up to me and do something that he used to do a lot. Like stare me down as we walk past each other - eyes wide open like a zombie. Today he sat down next to me... really close, for no reason. He didn't even say anything to me. He doesn't touch me in the least bit as much as he used to. Every excuse was a good one, when we were walking past each other, no matter what, we'd touch, put a hand on an arm on the back, on the waist... now, that's gone. I miss that.

I have been wanting to tell him that he tempts me. I was almost going to send him a text today, but then didn't. Maybe next week. I've been fantasizing about sending him emails and texts telling him that I think about greece. Explaining what happened, why I was so distant. I feel like I need to explain things to him. But I don't want to ruin things for him, where he is now is a good place.  I don't want to get in the way.

I miss Rob, I miss Rob, I miss Rob, I miss Rob, I miss Rob, I miss him, I miss him a lot... and he hasn't written me in so long I'm starting to worry. I need to lay off and see if he gets in touch with me at this point.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Answers to comments

Wow, I'm kinda surprised all of this has created so much attention. I rarely get more than a comment on my posts unless it's HNT.

One answer at a time.

You and I are very similar in the head. We think in the same way and I basically agree with your whole comment. As for your  questions about where home is and how I feel about it, it's all very complicated and I myself don't really know. I would like to stay here for a while longer. I feel quite at home in this town and I have a support group of friends which is excellent. I love my friends here. Sure, they are friends with bf as well, but that shouldn't be a problem if I do things right with the "separation". I do, though, think that eventually this is not the place for me. I think that moving to another country might make more sense for me. Italy is a pretty stagnant country and I want to get out before it's too late.

I can't afford to stay in a hotel really, they are extremely expensive here. Remember that I'm not in an abusive relationship, I just don't feel happy enough in it. I don't feel the need to "run away". But I do realize that the sooner the better. I don't feel comfortable breeching the subject with bf while his family is here. I'd rather do it when we're on our own and can really talk without worrying about other people around.

I beg to differ. I don't think that I'll stay. I think, and hope that I'll find the strength to leave. I am used to him being around, I have figured out how to balance things, online play has greatly reduced in the past two years, even with Rob. And it's not nearly as exciting as it used to be. Admittedly though if I were free... I'd have many more opportunities to travel, meet people and perhaps explore more sexually.

Thanks, I would tend to agree with you, I do realise though that Cheshire and Eden both have very valid points.  I will try to take your advice.

I hate it when Blogger does that!!
I will also take your advice. Being a gimp doesn't mean that I can't get things done. I will try to find out whether the apartment is still free. I'll try working out the logistics of moving. I don't have my own car so it will be complicated unless bf offers to lend me the car for the move. I don't want to ruin a friendship with bf, I do like him as a person. I'd rather though, not live with him. I need more space.

I am pretty confident that I will manage the break... but I will never promise anyone that I will leave him. I want to approach bf with it and see what happens from there. As my sister told me, even if he tries to convince me to stay, it's probably for the best that I let him go so that we can both benefit. But I'm not pretending to know my future, I'm not going to try to convince anyone that I'm actually going to manage in my endeavors. I'm just going to try my best and see how things go. I've never ever been totally sure of what to do. At the moment though, I feel more determined than ever, and therefore I feel comfortable saying that this is what I want. But that doesn't mean that I'll manage.

It's hard to make the jump from what I'd call an average relationship (because that's what I think it is) to the unknown. I sometimes wonder if my expectations in relationships are too high. My mother died a lonely woman, and I'd rather not end up in that situation. On the other hand, artists (as I sometimes manage to consider myself) are a bit moody and difficult and we need our spaces. So..... give me two weeks... not next week, the week after that is my free week. If by the 17th I haven't had the break-up conversation, then you can all judge the situation and drop the blog call me a coward or whatever you want to do, and I'll tell you that you are right and that I've failed. I will also not talk about leaving bf on the blog, but I will make honest efforts to be happy in the relationship. 

Dear readers and commenters:

Ahh how I love my readers (and commenters). I feel your frustration... actually I probably feel it more than you all do. But in all honesty I can't just pack up and leave without explanation after 14 years of what especially he (but also I) considers to be an important relationship.

I am in a tight spot too, I've strained my foot to the point that I can't walk. I'll be in this state for at least a week, probably more. And next week bf's mother and sister are coming because they've found a nodule in his mother's glands.

I understand that I need to get out. I have finally come to the conclusion that it is the right choice. But to be honest I still need to figure out WHERE I'm going to go. I technically have a friend whose house has been empty for a while and I could offer her part of the rent to stay there until they can switch the rental lease over to me. But I don't actually know if the house is still available I have to check with her.

It's not as easy as many of you make it out to be. The logistics are not simple here.

Week after next I am mostly free of work and anything else, Bf's mother will be gone too so that is what I am aiming for.

I will be updating as per usual about whatever crosses my mind.... mostly boys. Just hang in there.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

How To?

So right... um I'm in one of those states where nothing makes sense and I want to fix everything and make things better.

I think I may have to go see that counsellor. I want to end things with bf but I don't want to just sit down at dinner one evening and say "honey, I'm leaving you".

I need to figure out the right way to do it.

I do have that urge sometimes though... I just want to get it over with.... do it and cut it all short.... But then other times I know that he has feelings and would be devastated by the news. So I need to figure out the right way to do this. The language is also a problem. In that it's easy for me to forget about tact, my feelings are not appropriately attached to this language sometimes.

When I said that co-worker thinks I should leave the country it's not really like he wants me to leave, but he gets the feeling that I'm not settled and that I'd have better opportunities elsewhere.... which is probably true. He also says that he's getting the feeling that I won't be staying on at work for much longer.... I don't know if that's wishful thinking or what.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Men are confusing.

I'm really confused. Men just don't make sense to me sometimes... Scratch that... Most of the time.
I had the best opportunity today to have lunch with co-worker and talk to him about stuff and he copped out. It kinda pissed me off, partially because I was in a pissy mood anyhow and partially because there's just so much I feel the need to clarify with him and never find the opportunity.
On the up side he did say a few things that hinted at more depth today. Most of which was centered on the fact that he doesn't think I should stay here, in this country. I'm not quite sure what he was really trying to get at. Half the time he asks me questions that I answer without really knowing what the hell he's talking about and then I kick myself for not asking him to clarify. Sometimes I feel like telling him to talk to me straight, but I never do.

He's moved into a new house with his gf. I don't know what to think about that.

On the other hand I saw Blackbeard today and slyly managed to get both his private and work email. I think he was a little surprised since he hesitated and then outright asked me if it was for work. I'll never use it, I did send him some work info this eve but haven't heard back yet.

As for Rob, I have heard very little from him. I've been dreaming about him and wanting him a lot these days. I miss him terribly. I ache for his contact, it's quite literally painful at times.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

So much

I've been wanting to get back to this blog for so long I don't even know where to start....

After getting back from the North America tour I worked intensely (without co-worker) for a week and then my sister came to visit for a whole week. Next week I will be working intensely again with co-worker...

I've had a great time with my sis, but I have also been aching for some contact from Rob. I have gotten back in touch with a my best friend from home and this time round we've been talking intensely about sex and online lovers. And she has recently started her own online affair of sorts and therefore we've been talking a lot about our sex lives in general. She even asked me specific questions about communication styles between Rob and I, so I ended up re-reading texts and emails and Skype conversations. I went over the stuff from London and with all that, I admit I was feeling a little high.

It's such a relief to have someone that I can actually talk to about this. It's been so long that I've actually had a physical person other than Rob to talk to about all of this.

Problem is that since I've been talking about it all for the past few days... well week I guess, I feel totally ready for some action... and it's just frustrating because there is none! Not from ANY angle... whether bf or Rob or Co-worker... so yeah, I'm a little horny to say the least.

On a completely separate note.....I am very very sad to say that it seems that Johanna has decided to leave us. I tried so very hard to convince her to stay. But she says her blog may have reached a natural conclusion... I am still hoping she doesn't leave completely.

It's so sad when I see the birth and death of blogs... I get attached to them, the people who write them and then I have to learn to let go.

I'm looking forward to Monday with co-worker.... hopefully I'll get to see him. They're doing construction at our workplace so we're working between two studios and  yeah it's going to be kinda hectic, we might end up working in separate places. grr... that would suck.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Blackbeard's story

I am, to put it lightly, exhausted. As soon as I got back from the great NA trip I started work. The day after I had lessons, the day after that I went in to work, and after the weekend I started working full time (I normally work part time) plus lessons after work.

I have not had time to do anything except pass out at 9:30 in the evening if I make it that late, since I'm jet lagged, and wake up between 4:30 and 6:30 am, again due to jet lag.

There are two positive things that I get out of all of this. My work studio has moved temporarily to a location right in town which is closer to home, therefore a shorter bike ride to work in the morning (not that it was that long to begin with). And secondly I get to see someone that I've mentioned a few times in the past relatively often now. He is a guy who works in the same field as me and is super cute. He is married with one kid, and I just found out he has another on the way.

I mentioned him a while back because I would ride past him on my way to work on occasion and never recognize him, he always recognizes me since he is always changing his facial hair.

So anyhow, this guy, who we might as well name (although I'm sure I'll forget what I named him and I'll end up renaming him something completely different down the line) let's call him, Blackbeard, works near where my temporary studio is. And I've seen him and talked to him a couple times this week already. It's kinda since every time I see him he says hi. But he also has this habit of actually stopping to talk. So as I was coming back from the supermarket after lunch yesterday since I had a craving for Lindt 85% chocolate, and as I walked towards him I held the package out (with my mouth full) offering him some. He gladly took some (lots) approving greatly of my choice and asked if I wanted some rum.... ok so it was afternoon, but just barely, and the work day wasn't over yet. I kindly refused, but asked why he'd offered, and apparently rum and chocolate go well together.

After all of this, I must say that I get tongue tied in front of cute guys, I really can't function properly. And I ended up saying "I'll have to find that" rather than "I'll have to try that".... poor me. I wish I could be cool and calm and exude sexiness and confidence... but that's not the case.

That's the end of a pretty useless story.... I know. It's kinda boring. But I do have this to say in my defence: this is my blog and I can write what I want.... ok no, what I'd really like to say is that I wonder if he will become a more prominent figure in my daily life. I guess I'm hoping he will.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Dreams and reason(ing)

So I had a dream the other night. It was the weirdest sexual dream I've had in a while. Keep in mind that I'm still jet lagged and therefore have these sort of waking dreams that turn into full dreams and then mutuate because I'm half awake again.

I was very turned on before going to bed and was hoping to sex bf up that eve but he fell asleep before I could get to him. But in the wee hours of the morning as I was drifting in and out of sleep I started circling my clit. I got this mental image of my clit getting erect and from there it grew into an almost full sized cock... ok to be honest it wasn't full sized, but it was long enough that I could actually hold it in my hand.

I have always wanted to know what it feels like to have a cock. And I think I know now. It was kinda cool. I think I have penis envy a bit... I don't have a brother, but my best friends as a child were always boys and I think I must still have some of that left.

I had some pretty passionate sex the next morning too, it was good of course, it always is when I start it... I feel horrible saying that, but bf just doesn't do foreplay very well. The rest works just fine.

I have however, come to the conclusion that I will be leaving him. I just have to do it. I've talked to way too many people who have talked me into it. And I've heard the same advice so many times now.... but one thing that stood out was this: "If you don't see things getting better in the future, get out now on your own terms, don't wait longer than you have to, it'll be better for you and him. The faster you move on, the faster he can move on and the better it will be for the both of you".

I know. I'm sure I've heard this before, I'm sure someone here has told me this or something along these lines, but this time it hit a chord.

I have a terrible schedule in the next few weeks. My sister is coming to visit next week while I have a week off work and the week after that I'll be working full time again. I'm not sure when I'll manage a break up and move, but I'll have to. I really feel like it's time to move on.

I've been getting back in touch with my best friend back home recently and she has started a sort of illicit correspondence with one of our huge high school crushes that we both had sex with before she got married and I moved out here. She has been sending me copies of both of their emails and I find it fascinating.

The thing that struck me the most was the fact that both he and she call their partners the sun and moon in their lives. I honestly don't feel that way about bf. And I wish I could. I honestly don't think that I love him as much as he deserves to be loved. And if I think about it enough, I may even feel a bit guilty about staying on so long.

On a completely different note, I'm liking the new interface for Blogger, have you guys tried it out yet?
It's something like what Wordpress has got. It does seem a little easier to get around and generally see everything.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Back to work

On my last few nights in the States, while in bed and dozing, my mind would wander to co-worker and of course Rob. The whole situation seems strange to me now because the focus of this blog has been on Rob for so long that I've almost created a double personality in him... I mean it's like he's actually rob and his real self at the same time... does that make sense?

Anyhow I digress... I wanted to say that my thoughts tend more towards co-worker these days than Rob. I think it must be because Rob is sort of there... I know he's there and he won't go anywhere. I've finally understood that and I don't worry anymore about where we stand. I love this new level. It's reassuring and safe and sexy because I can still have my fun with him, he knows exactly what I like what I want and he gives it to me wholeheartedly.

On the other hand though he occupies less of my thoughts.

I was almost worried about going back to work, worried about seeing co-worker, excited I guess too. I missed him. He sent me one or perhaps even two texts throughout the whole trip. The last one said something to the effect of "how's it going? take your time to think. There's no rush"....And I still have no idea what it means. I must have mentioned to him that this trip was sort of a pivotal point for me, that it would be a decision breaker of sorts. But I don't remember telling him. Things get to be such a blur after a while with all this stuff going on. I wonder if I wrote about it in one of my posts about the trip to Greece.

Anyhow yeah, I went in to work Friday and had butterflies every time he came near me. It was frustrating because often I couldn't really function in that state. I would crack stupid jokes and I felt stupider. I have to keep my head on.

We got a chance to talk after work for 5 minutes, I wanted to go to lunch with him, but it wasn't possible. He is leaving for a holiday next week and the week after, so it'll be another 2 weeks before I get to see him... There are just so many things I want to talk to him about. Sooo many. It's frustrating with all this technology around that I don't feel comfortable contacting him on an email. I'm worried his gf will see it.

Friday, September 9, 2011

sex on the trip.... or lack thereof.

Ahhh the trip.... back to the trip.

So we had a lot of good times together on the trip. It wasn't all pain and arguing. It was pleasant a lot of the time.

We did have some difficulties around sex, there wasn't a lot of it. And there are various reasons why:

We had sex in NY when we first arrived, a beautiful hotel room helped a lot I think. Then we had the dreaded argument and we stopped.

Then we were in Toronto sleeping in my cousin's living room and there was no personal space what-so-ever. So that was that.... 5 more days.

Then I got my period and well, he doesn't want to have sex with me while I'm on my period so blah... that went on waaaay too long probably 2 weeks. Travelling will do that to me.

Then when we finally had enough privacy to have more sex and I was off my period, we had another MASSIVE argument and I was in tears for a day and a half, partly due to the argument, partly due to the stress of going back to my home town where I grew up and where my mother died (and I hadn't been back there since she passed away 6 years ago), not to mention having seen and spent time with all my best friends and having to say goodbye to them.

Sooo Then we went to Vegas and had more sex there, and then I was back on my period and that was the end of the trip so to speak.

On our last night in the States, bf and I had been to a friend's birthday party, we both drank and smoked a little weed. We had a pretty good time, although we'd been arguing a fair amount during those days. When we got back to the apartment though he said that he needed to go to the washroom, and he went in with the computer as he sometimes does. After a good while... I was packing and wanted to show him something, so I went towards the bathroom calling out to him asking if he was alive, as a joke. He kept answering yes, but I guess he didn't expect me to just open the door. He stood up from the toilet, and looked at me and said "are you crazy??" and I said, "Oh! did I startle you?" and he said "yeah", as he started to sit down again, and as I was closing the door (because I didn't get it too far open in the first place), I noticed he was hard! AHHHH indeed, he was jerking off in the bathroom.

So I just continued to close the door, pretended not to see anything and went on with my business. He may have noticed that I saw, or not.... who knows. But it was definitely a first. I had no idea that he jerks off in the bathroom, or maybe it's a new thing, since he got a laptop. I also kinda felt sorry for him... It's also the kind of information I didn't want to know. I could use it against him in arguments now and I'm worried I'm going to say something if I get really angry at some point.

I walked in on another bf years ago who was jerking off and I got totally upset, and couldn't understand why he didn't just come to me for sex. But this time I'm half glad to have found out that he gets himself off when he needs to.... I just wonder what kind of porn he watches. The "history" is set to not remember anything on that little pc that we take travelling with us. So I can't even go see.

There are times when I honestly think that bf might be bi or at least interested in men. I can't put my finger on it, but there are little things that make me think this on occasion.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

North America trip

Hey everyone in blogger land!!

I'm back from my 7 weeks in North America!

It was crazy. In every respect, and I apologize for not writing. It was a busy trip.

We did a sweeping tour of the States and Canada. I went home to visit some remaining family and I went to visit many friends.

Bf and I didn't get along all the time. We had quite a few terrible arguments. I thought this trip would help me understand the relationship but so far I'm feeling the same as when I left. I hope that things will get clearer as I try to work through my feelings on the blog. I do feel a little more objective though and here is what I've understood:

I have understood that the massive arguments come under stress and fatigue. I understand that they accumulate when we can't talk about them or don't. While we were travelling we were with people almost 100% of the time so it was difficult to argue or to work out minor problems.

But the big arguments are horrible and I'm not sure it's worth staying with someone when we are so incompatible in terms of communication. During those arguments I threaten to leave him sometimes or vice versa he threatens to leave me, but I really do wish at those times that I could leave him at those times.
When we are on better terms, I feel like he is important to me, that he is an attractive man, but I am not attracted to him anymore.

The sex that we have is always good (I always reach orgasm), but I am not into it. His seduction techniques haven't changed in over a decade and are just not working on me anymore. Although his foreplay and sex style have changed a little and that is a good thing. He knows exactly what I like. We are in tune in terms of sex.

My friends and family tried their best to make him feel comfortable and at ease, they were constantly looking for things that he would enjoy doing. He didn't understand that most of the time. He didn't see it. When he did notice it was only in circumstances where the people were physically doing things for him, like laundry, driving, physically taking him places etc... He didn't notice if they were trying to cater to his restaurant tastes, or trying to understand what kinds of activities he was interested in, or what he might have liked to see on his holiday.

The trip was catered to him. I did very little of what I really wanted. I saw the MOMA in NY and that's about it. I dragged him to various museums that I thought HE might be interested in like the natural history museum in NY and my home town, the Exploratorium in Sand Fran and other such things. He did enjoy them, but he automatically thought that I wanted to see them, but he didn't understand until the end that I was taking him there for his own benefit.... not for mine.

Ok.... that's enough analysis for today.... I will be back with more soon.