Tuesday, May 31, 2016


It was a new goal. He wanted to get me to ten. We'd been sexting for two days, these mad rushes of sexual tension that we needed to let loose. They were frustrated and semi violent fantasies. I couldn't get enough. Then, on day three, I had a student cancel. I was wet and debating getting myself off to thoughts of him ravaging my body. Instead I texted him and asked him to get me off. We had over an hour. 
I honestly wasn't expecting it to go as fast as it did. He pushed me hard and wouldn't let me rest. I came over and over, sometimes one orgasm ran into another. The final number is hazy. He kept track. I tried but wasn't quite with it. 
I was lucky it wasn't too hot here, I'd have melted. I don't know if I'll ever do it again. It was hard core intense. Something that left my body aching for days. My right arm is still getting over the intense work out. My arms, legs, neck and shoulder were marginally better by day three. 

It was fucking incredible and strange all in one. Imagine your mind going blank except for a voice whispering obscenities in your ear, over and over, begging you, forcing you, demanding you cum. Most of the time he orchestrated it all, talking to me. Once he let me do myself, without helping me. He simply repeated he was watching me, though I do remember that one being harder, took me longer. 

I think though that quality is definitely better when it's slower build and fewer. But the experience was to be had. It was hot and I still get wet thinking about it. My mind wanders back to his face peering at me from my computer. I crave him. Constantly. Today especially. Today just him as a friend, though I would totally be up to a good hard fuck, but I could use a hug and his hair to run my fingers through, random chatter or watching a game show trying to play along. Not sure what it is about today, but I'm in need of affection. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Beauty in the Rough

Rough, violent, forceful. Grab her and rip her panties off, forcing your cock into her every hole without distinction. Pounding her so hard that from her moans and yelps you can't quite tell if she's hurting or not. Grabbing her hair and forcing your cock so fucking far inside her throat she is forced to breathe through your skin or choke. 
Taking her because you want her so bad you can't help yourself. The sheer violence of that need drives you to act on it. It feels wrong, selfish and inconsiderate, yet it's consensual, that's where the beauty lies. That's why it's so perfect. That's why she'll be back for more. 

Men, you know what's irresistible to women? It's when you're capable of sexual intuition. There's something special about knowing what type of sex is needed for what occasion. 
Seductive, slow, passionate, compared to her dominating you, or say, you dominating her, or simply you taking her... letting yourself be dragged into the desire for her body. 

Friday, May 20, 2016

The Guitar

Something happened the other day.
Let me start with a person. This person is a man I met through the art school where I work. He came for a course and has been back a few times and has integrated into my group of friends. He has a soft spot for me I think. He's a big guy, super sweet, funny and fun to hang around. He has become part of the family. When he's in town we always have a big dinner, with him at the centre of attention. 

On fb the other day he posted a video of a guy playing a four string handmade guitar and I went a little nuts. I expressed my awe of the instrument and how cool it was and that I'd totally want one if I had the cash (which I don't). 

Couple days, maybe a week later my friend sent me a message on messenger asking for my address. He spilled the beans more or less right away. First it was supposed to be a surprise but then he couldn't contain himself. He got me one, he bought me a hand crafted 4 string guitar. 

It was 6 am when he told me, I couldn't sleep and had woken up early. Then I heard this news and I was ecstatic. I didn't know how to thank him. I was speechless and it's such a massive gift. I feel like it's waay too much but he insisted, giving a plethora of reasons why he should. And it's not just for me, the guy who makes these needs the cash pretty desperately. 

Except once the euphoria died down I started dreading telling the bf. I was convinced he was going to act out, telling me I somehow brought this on. I was worried he was going to be jealous, asking all sorts of questions as to why he'd buy such an expensive gift for me. 

That day I brought the topic up with the bf slowly and cautiously, first letting him know that our friend had asked me for my address. I didn't let him know right away that I knew what the package would be. 
The next day I told him in person. His reaction was surprising. He was almost happy for me... He joked about it, saying I could go play in a competition or concert or something. It was not what I had expected at all. 

I can't grasp it. It's out of character. 

Anyhow that's the story. 

I have had an underlying feeling that the bf had found someone... That he's eeing someone. I've had this feeling before. Sometimes I have the urge to ask him if he's happy with our set up. If he would want to break it off to find someone else. But I never do. 

Monday, May 16, 2016

Twist my rubber arm

I have a couple good friends in the uk. One of whom I hear from on nearly a daily basis. She is a constant reminder of Rob. Mostly because she is on of my excuses when I go see him. However she often asks me to come over. She has recently tried again. She's trying to convince me to come out for August. There's an important craft fair I wouldn't mind seeing. I ache to go... Not so much for the craft fair but to see Rob. I have told her I can't. I don't have the money right now. But it would be so easy.... Way too easy and yet I can't afford it. 

Bad bad bad. Grumble grumble. 

Saturday, May 7, 2016


Sometimes I'll be sitting crafting or taking a shower when my mind wanders. Sometimes it's a song, or even a voice, a comment, or a food that will trigger it. My mind will wander to a moment with Rob, a really precise moment. The memories are so vivid at times and other times they're hazy, like I can't quite remember what happened.

Most recently I was thinking of Storm Thorgerson, The artist behind all of the Pink Floyd album covers. His artwork comes up quite frequently on my Facebook feed. While Rob and I I were in Birmingham or Nottingham (can't remember which) we visited a museum/Art gallery. The gallery was full of his stuff, famous pieces of old and new Pink Floyd album cover work. At the time he was still alive, I believe he died the year after, if not the same year.

That is one of those moments I will never forget. It was probably one of the most memorable moments we've had together, yet at the same time we weren't  together, we browsed the gallery separately, as is often our custom when we go to galleries or museums. It's especially memorable for me though because it's the first time I took his picture. I was taking a photograph of two large adjoined, reflective spheres. He was standing in the background with his back to the spheres, I only noticed him when I got the photograph home on my computer. I can't say I obsessed about the photograph but every time I look at it, even now, I see him. 

Another memory is triggered by food, sour food to be precise. We were in Birmingham when we found an old candy shop, the vintage type that has jars, and jars of hard candy behind the counter. We both like sour candy so we walked in and we asked for the sourest candy they had. The girl behind the counter smirked. She said that she would let us try one for free if we would only put it in our mouth and promised not to take it out. We weren't even allowed to lick it first, We had to simply pop it in. I think we both got one, it was eye wateringly sour, but we both manned-up and kept it in. We bought a bagful with a few different flavors. 

The memories are in there, and on occasion they surface. I'm always surprised at how many new ones come to mind. They make me smile, feeling nostalgic, but overall happy feelings of wanting more. Definitely looking forward to more. 

Tuesday, May 3, 2016


I've been trying to figure out why my friend's passing has been so difficult. I couldn't understand why it was so hard considering I knew he was sick for a long time. We didn't see each other on a daily basis or even monthly basis. 

There was a time, however, when we would see each other on a weekly basis. And during that time he used to call me when he had tickets to classical music concerts, because he knew I loved music. He was an older gay man who I'm sure I've written about before. I remember writing about how people would look at us at concerts. Upon telling the bf how uncomfortable it made me he almost got angry and argued that I shouldn't go with him anymore. The last time my friend called me to ask me to go to a concert with him I declined, this is something I now regret. Fuck other people's shitty judgement. I shouldn't have cared.

As to why his death hit me so hard, I finally figured it was because there were so many similarities between his death and my mother's. He passed away from cancer, like my mother. He also passed away at the same age as my mother. I don't know how I knew this, my math skills are absolutely horrible, but I innately knew that he was the same age. When I finally broke down and used my calculator to figure it out, I found out I was right. Not only that but my mother died a day or two before her birthday in April (a week before my birthday), my friend died just a week before his birthday. Joy, that happens to be just after my birthday. 

These are all things I can't help thinking about. My mind automatically finds patterns. Maybe my brain is working too hard, maybe a normal person's brain wouldn't have seen them. Is it better or worse this way? Dealing with loved one's deaths is something that has to be dealt with forever. It doesn't go away. No matter how long ago it was, it will come back to haunt you. The only thing that can be done is to let the emotions wash over, deal with them as they come, and let go again. 

Last time I saw my friend was at the hospital just before Christmas. We were leaving for our trip to Central America. He seemed in good spirits and joked around, possibly to make us feel more comfortable with his illness. I will remember him like that though, always smiling, suave and cultured. Connoisseur of music and food. A closet gay, not so closet when with the right friends. 

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Shitty Day / Shitty Week

It has been a rough week. It was my birthday last week and I've had some lovely birthdays in the past but this was not one of them. I woke up sad. It was the first birthday I've spent waking up alone in probably 18 years. I was sad the bf wasn't there to greet me with kisses and a surprise. At the very least he'd go out before I woke up so I could have fresh croissants for breakfast. This year we slept at our separate apartments.
I worked a 10 hour day and came home to find he'd he bought me a cake and then he surprised me with a sewing machine. I was exhausted though, we were supposed to go out to dinner but I opted out.

The next evening we went to the bf's nieces new restaurant and they brought out a cake with candles for me. I was blown away. I'd never expected it and I was moved, almost to tears by their thoughtfulness. However all the love couldn't shake the melancholy I had. Living so far from all my family and closest friends had me so sad.

The feeling hasn't quite gone away and it has been compounded by a good friend passing today. I have been crying off and on all day. He was an expat from South America and we had a lot in common. I will miss him immensely.

Not only this but the bf's niece from another brother, the one who has drug problems, is apparently back on the drugs. She'd been clean for a while and she had gotten quite attached to me and was taking opportunities to spend time with me on occasion. She called me last night telling me she wanted to see me and that she'd let me know when she could stop by. Today we get a call from another family member warning us that she'd moved in with a dealer, stopped in at home to physically beat money out of her parents, and was convincing other family members to give her money as well.
I have so much anger and frustration towards her parents, they've fucked up both their kids and I don't know how they manged to do it. I wish I could talk some sense into them.

I am rather overwhelmed with all the emotions going on I've shut myself down by keeping myself as busy as possible today. Watching random videos and movies. Writing this seems to be bringing the emotions back to the surface but it does help purge. I will be hiding under a blanket with a movie as soon as I finish.