Monday, August 27, 2012

In the Country (Written by Rob)

The light zephyr of wind blows while the warm sun beats gently down.
Wearing sunglasses shorts and a tee shirt, with the smell of freshly cut lawns, I walk across a deserted village street, over the fence and down a tree-lined avenue of hanging willow trees. A cobbled path uneven under foot, the sound of bird song, green grass brushing on my legs.
The avenue ends, another fence to climb.
I hop over the fence with 2 steps, spring down onto my feet with no care in the world into a field of golden barley swaying gently in the breeze.

I look into the distance, about 400 yards away I see the outline of beauty walking away from me, the silhouette of a dark figure against the golden background: Long flowing hair, shorts and a tied up top.
I think nothing of it and keep walking.
One field passes into another.
This one is filled with thick tall maize about 8 foot high. It smells wonderful, the corn has flowered and is ready to ripen.

The pathway gets narrower and the sunlight gets dimmer as the tall corn stretches competing with each other for the sun’s rays.
The surroundings look all the same it’s getting darker and quieter.
A chink of light appears in the distance so I head for that.
Some 10 minutes pass...
I appear on the other side, somehow touched by the spiritual sensation gained from being in an alien environment back into the warm sunlight and wondering where the girl I saw had disappeared to.
I look around, there was no sign, so I kept on walking.

Tall trees and wild flowers are my world now. Then down a winding path over a fence and onto the small one-track road that looks like it hadn’t been used for some time. With every footstep a puff of dust comes up making my sneakers dusty.

My throat now dry and beads of sweat starting to show on my brow, I make my way down the small winding road where signs of life start to emerge.
A road sign, a stray dog barks at me and then the road opens up onto a small village green. A bench sits alone on the green where a small brass plaque screwed onto it reads:
in loving memory of Cyril Smith 1935-1994
I wonder who he was and what he did.

I make my way into the village still wondering about Mr. Smith
I pass an old blacksmith’s forge where the old man stokes the fire, heating the shoes for an old shire horse that pulls his wagon up and down the local town.
He collects scrap iron for extra income.
Past the forge there is a butcher’s shop where locals buy their fresh meat.
The fat butcher is sitting out in the sun with his faithful jack russell by his side.

I walk on and spot the village pub. So to quench my thirst I walk towards the pub and push hard on the heavy solid oak door that must have been there for over 200 years.
The smell of fresh hops and old wood meet me as I slide the door shut. A friendly landlord greets me at the bar.
“What shall it be?” he says.
“I’ll have a pint of your coldest larger”, which he greets with a frown because this is one of those real ale pubs where old men drink and compare warm flat ales. They usually have beards and wear sandals. (Of course I think this to myself).
He serves me anyway, and I hand over the money, grab a menu and sit down in the corner on an old wooden leather backed comfy chair.

After a couple of swallows of the cold drink fizzing on my tongue, the landlord comes over to me and asks if I would like to order from the menu.
I answer him: “yes I’ll have the fish”
He goes away.

I look around at the ancient walls, white with black timbers; old guns and shooting paraphernalia adorn the walls, old drinking tankards, and horse brasses: A typical English country pub that hadn’t changed for a hundred years, straight out of a period drama.

I sit back reach into my pocket pull out the paper and raise it to my eyes, shades on top of my head. I read about a woman who put a cat into a dustbin. She had been caught on cctv by a man across the street. After national outcry and death threats, the woman was on 24hr police guard.
I thought it was ironic

Under my paper I see a small pair of what I think would be size 6 feet wrapped in gladiator sandals. The feet come towards me and I hear the words “you ordered the fish?”
I say yes, look up and it's the smiling face of the beautiful girl I saw in the field.
Well I think it is. She has shorts and a tied up shirt. She smiles and lays down my food.
I pull up may chair as she walks away. I glance across as she leaves and I'm convinced it was her. She looks over her shoulder and catches me checking out her ass. She winks and disappears into the kitchen.
I ate my food, which was ok I guess. My review in the local paper would reflect the quality and price of the food but it would never mention the girl I saw in the fields. She was mine and I have held her close to my heart ever since.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Preface to Monday's post.

I hooked up an external hard drive the other day to figure out whether it worked. I'd had problems with it in the past, but today it worked.

It's an old HDD that I used to use with my old macbook white and I did all my backups on there.

When the disk mounted I was surprised but happy that I could get back into my old files.

I went searching for my old "documents" file. It's my hidden, locked file that I keep with all my blog pics but also excerpts from communication with Rob too.
There's even a wonky pic of him I took on the fly the first time we met. There are a few things I copied from skype conversations, one was a story about him and I in an elevator which was hot. Another was just some random conversation. My favourite though was a story he wrote to me on skype just a few words at a time. It took forever for him to write it since it was just snippets.
It was a story about a walk in the countryside near where he lives. It was full of little typos and there were no real sentences but I loved the story, it was capable of conjuring the images and even smells of that walk.

With his permission I wrote it up making it into a real story with sentences and paragraphs. I wanted to  post it here but I don't think I ever did.

So I'm going to post it... It's fairly long, so sorry for the length, but it's worth reading to the end. The end made me cry when I read it today, he admitted to me that I am the girl in the story.

I miss Rob. I haven't seen him on skype or talked to him in months now. We've texted a couple times, and I sent him some pics but no "real" interaction. So this is how I get by... reading old stuff and going through pictures.

*update since I wrote this (yesterday) I talked to Rob today on Skype, there's not much to say except that I'm still hooked.*

Friday, August 24, 2012

Father Daughter Relationship

I've been thinking a little.... ok.... a lot. I always think a lot. I've been ruminating the story with bf, and the relationship a bit too.

I can't really do much else at the moment because all the real-estate agents are on holiday until Monday, so I'm stuck thinking.

Bf and I have what you might consider a father daughter type relationship as the therapist said. But how does that really work?

When I first arrived in this country I was working for a family, they gave me room and board. I had organized a place to stay for September and put a down payment on the apartment I was going to rent with students.

When September rolled round the apartment was completely empty, there was no toilet, no shower, no kitchen... nothing.

Since bf had driven me to the apartment that day, he suggested that I go stay with him. So I did.
I never left.

He took me in and paid for everything (since I didn't have much money). I cooked, cleaned and ironed in return. I eventually found work and started paying my own rent, and half the bills. I kept up with the cooking and everything else, but I was always afraid of bf's reaction if I didn't do it, he was a little more volatile than he is now.

Eventually we moved, he quit his job and I got more work. Our roles reversed and he started doing all the cooking and cleaning. That's how it's been ever since.

A while back now, I asked bf if he wanted kids and after an argument and some tears he came to me and said " it's not that I don't want kids with you... I just wouldn't want a girl because she'd be like you". For ages I was trying to figure that out. But now it makes sense. He doesn't need anyone else to take care of. I'm enough.

I don't want to live with a father figure. I'm afraid that I've never really "grown up". I need this new space to find myself.

It isn't fair for him to have to "look after" someone all the time, but that's what's going on. I'd rather come to the relationship as a grown woman capable of taking care of herself. At the same time though, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't want me with a different perspective. I'm pretty sure he'll get scared away by my new found independence. I think he's always been comfortable with the way things are. He probably has never wanted me to get a studio on a subconscious level. He is afraid of that change in me. He believes that I can obtain any goal I put my mind to and he probably thinks that those goals will push me away from him.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Therapist talk

So I went.

I went to see the therapist.

It was not a revelation. It was encouragement to do what I've been wanting to do for ages. I paid an arm and a leg, but it was worth my feeling confident.

A lot of things were said. The meeting was 1.5 hours long so we went through a lot of stuff. In the end there were a few conclusions. Getting my own place is the easiest best way to figure out whether I want to try to concentrate on art and to figure out whether I want to continue the relationship with bf.

She suggested I not say anything to bf about looking into apartments until I was ready to commit to something. That way I could stay out of discussions and avoid being talked out of it.

We came to the conclusion that my relationship with bf is very much like a father daughter one. He does most everything for me.... She also said that it works for many couples.

She came to the conclusion that since he's happy where he is, he doesn't want things to change and therefore he's not bringing anything really to the relationship, if not marriage, if not kids.... then what? just slide on into old age like this? It's not what I want. I want more.

So I need to go out and get it for myself. If he doesn't like it he'll cut himself loose. If he can maybe we'll stay together.

I'm pretty sure I've come to some of these conclusions on my own (others have also commented and emailed me these conclusions as well), but it was really helpful to have someone tell me to my face. It was encouraging. It was also nice to hear that I didn't have to tell bf everything that is going on with me. I felt that if I didn't I was being disrespectful or something when in reality at this point it's just having to get something done and that's it. I'm at an age where I need to look after what I want.

I talked to an agency about an apartment yesterday. They're more or less on holiday but she said she'd get back to me. The apartment sounds really good except that it's totally empty. I'd need to get a kitchen fridge the whole 9 yards. But the price is good. We'll see. I'd have to make adjustments to my budget but I think I could manage.

Anyhow that's that....

Next step, finding a place.... (again)

Monday, August 20, 2012

I changed my mind

I didn't bring it up with him. But I did book an appointment with my counsellor for Tuesday eve.... something I probably should have done ages ago. I may find an opportunity and the right moment (between now and then) to bring it all up with bf in any case... we'll see.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Croatian After-Math

Croatian sea is gorgeous but COLD. 

I've been back for two days. Bf and I were supposed to head down to his mother's house and I'd have been away for another week but we decided against it and, well here I am back in the blogworld.

The trip to Croatia was nice and not so nice. I'm not sure how to describe it because it was a holiday in the true sense of the word, and I don't get many of those. I read 4 books in 8 days and tanned, swam and took a hike on my own.

I left home with a dread and sort of apathy towards the holiday. All I wanted was to tell bf I didn't want to be with him anymore, that I wanted to move out and have my own place. That's all I could think for about half the trip.

I let him do what he wanted most of the time. I just kept saying "whatever you want to do", "if you want", "sure", "ok". I was fine with it. I didn't have anything I really wanted so I let him take over. But soon enough I realized he was sort of at a loss. He really didn't know what to do with himself often especially while I was reading. He doesn't even try to strike up conversation with me like say, about what I'm reading. He brought his new "toy", a little boat with a motor and he was quite content to use it but the sea water was too cold to snorkel in which is what he really wanted to do.

I'm happy to say that I got by great without internet. It was a welcome get-away from that too. I buried my nose in books. And I caught bf mumbling something about me hiding in a fantasy world of books rather than on internet as if it were the same thing.

We didn't have sex. I just wasn't up for it. I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him if I knew I just wanted to tell him that I was leaving him. But then he sort of half convinced me (it's hard to explain, I think I felt guilty) and we did have sex once. It was pretty horrible for me. I cried, luckily he took me from behind so he couldn't see my face.

On our way back home though something eased up inside of me and I started relaxing towards him. The ice around my mood sort of melted. Once we got back I was relatively happy... until today. Things are right back where they were.

During the time I was in Croatia I read a book that really got me thinking about relationships. It was a book by Murakami called "South of the Border, West of the Sun". There are passages that describe perfectly the draw I feel towards certain people. And there are pages of description of what happens if one might follow those urges and they aren't positive for anyone involved.

I'm going to bring up wanting to get out of here again with bf. It's just a matter of when to do it. It will be soon. Since we've been through the conversation already it should really have a different, hopefully more effective, consequence. I'm planning on telling him that the feeling does ebb. It's not constant. But that it always returns. If it returns it means that I need to act on it. I can't continue with this ebb. It just doesn't make sense.

I'm hoping to bring it up tomorrow. That's my tentative plan. But don't hold me to it.... please. I know that reading me say this each time must be frustrating but it is my place to vent so I apologize for the frustration but it's just the way it goes.

Enjoy the pic. No click-thru or tricks today.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Pre-Vacation Babble

It's almost time. We're leaving at 3am to head to Croatia for 10 days. I will not have internet unless I find an open wifi signal. Luckily we'll be in a relatively large town and there should be wifi somewhere.

I'm rather happy to be taking a holiday from it to be honest. It will be a true detox. I've got my kindle loaded with books to read so I'll be keeping myself busy that way. I've got some Murakami and some Philip k Dick as well as a book called Black Swan Green by David Mitchell that I was recently told to read. I've also got Just Kids by Patti Smith... I'm thinking that I'll finish reading (I started it but never finished) "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" seeing as I've just watched Blade-Runner again after so many years.

Things here are pretty calm. I've been having strage thoughts. Nothing serious, just unlike me. We have a new neighbour. She is a woman in her mid to late 30s (I think).
I had a kidney stone attack and was unable to move most of Friday. After having dinner bf was outside on our patio overlooking hers and they ended up chatting until quite late. I'm guessing they were out there for about an hour and a half.
I was somewhat annoyed... but it was mild. I'm generally quite jealous. Over the past few days though I have caught myself thinking that I hope he falls in love with her, making it easier for me to move away. I don't know if I actually believe those thoughts or if they are forced... Women's brains are wired funny.

I'm not looking forward to this holiday much. I'm not really gung-ho about it. I'm looking forward to laying on the beach, working on my tan, detoxing from internet and eating good food. I hope bf finds people to go fishing with.... I'd rather be left alone. Maybe I'll change my mind once we're there though.

I haven't let Rob know that I'll be away. I'm thinking I'll text him from Croatia at some point or wait for him to text me. He's busy with all that's going on over there. I hope he's feeling better though, he was in bad sorts when I last checked. I've opened my mail account probably 20 times today either hoping to see an email from him or contemplating writing one to him. I try not to overdo the contact these days. I figure he's busy and doesn't need the extra stuff. Hence my decision to text him from Croatia if he texts me. I might change my mind on that yet. We'll be in Italy and I'll have internet service to the border. I may give in to the temptation...

I admit though, he has been better at letting me know if he will be around and stuff. We tentatively set up to meet on Thursday eve (I think it was). He said he'd text me to let me know if he couldn't come. And sure enough he did. I was thankful for it, yet disappointed he couldn't make it.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Woah Co-W = Dad?

So I went in to work today just to say hi. So I get there say hi to everyone, Co-Worker is in another room, doing something so I don't see him right away. I stop to talk to some people and then he walks in and waves at me. He looks different. He looks good. Blue shirt, khaki shorts, a new haircut and shaved.
I comment on the cut. He replies that he looks better, trendier this way and walks away.
When I walk into the room where he is, he stops in front of me... his usual extra close distance and he says, quietly, "you know why I cut my hair?" I respond no, and he says "I'm going to be a daddy."

I think my jaw dropped right about then. I wasn't sure he was serious so I asked him two or three times if he was joking. He said, "I joke a lot, but I'm definitely not joking about this."

I congratulated him, told him I was happy for him. And then the conversation changed topics and life went on as usual.

The girl I work with asked me what I thought. I honestly said that he would be a fantastic father. I told her that it was weird, but that I was really happy for him.

On my way home, I'm not sure if it was a song I was listening to or what, but I almost burst into tears. Now I'm not sad because he's having a kid per-sé but it definitely gives this whole thing a sense of closure... and I guess I didn't want to close it. I'll survive though of course. It only lasted about 30 seconds.

A few of you were voicing your opinions of Co-W, and well I think that for probably the past 3 months or more, this is what has been going on.

Strange things crossed my mind with all this. Questions like  'what's keeping me here'... and 'I'm feeling jealous'... but at the same time 'why would I be jealous'.

I guess my heart and brain need to work out what they feel and just work through the emotional info.

I think the jealousy is for the fact that they managed, after just three years to have clear ideas on what they wanted and where they wanted to go. After 14 years with the bf I still don't have that. I admit that I doubt this child was terribly planned. They are renting and neither of them have super well paying jobs. Nonetheless I am envious of their decisions in a way.

Fact is.... bf has never asked me if I want kids. It's always been me asking him. To be fair though. I'm not even sure what I'd answer right now. Perhaps in our 5th or 6th year of being together (because year 1-4 were rough) I'd have been clearer. But right now... I have no idea.